I probably shouldn’t be typing right now. You see, I’m drunk. Drunk on good German Malt beer things. Drunk from Chugging with characters in this movie called BEERFEST – and frankly – Drunk on laughing myself fucking silly.

I’m not usually a beer guy. I say that, though if you cracked open my fridge right now – you’d find a case of Shiner and Guinness Stout in there … along with tons of nutritious and wholesome yummies. But frankly – most of that is there for entertaining drinkers when they come over for movie nights. I, myself, rarely get wasted.

That said, I was prepared to drink Broken Lizard under the fucking table tonight. I wanted the Beer Crown. As a god of old. I wanted to make them weep out of their sad desire. I wanted the crown to be in Texas. For Texas. For Austin. And ultimately for the Alamo Drafthouse. So – I had a high protein and carb meal – so I could handle my swimming pool of beer. I was prepared, ready and willing to make a complete fucking drunken fool of myself. I was committed to the task at hand.

When Yoko, Father Geek and I arrived – I could see the teeming throngs of beer thirsting AICNers lined up for the task. Hell – even the Longhorn Hellraisers were there. I felt these drunken madmen that paint themselves for every game – yet are geek enough to make it through BNAT – deserved a seat at BEERFEST. How ready was the audience? There were people that had been there for hours – ordering buckets of beer – IN LINE. They were priming the pump… so to speak.

No sooner than I enter the building than I hear the joy kill news. You see. The Texas Organization of Sucking The Life Out Of Getting Excessively Fucked Up For The Pure Sport Of Seeing Who Was The Biggest Beer Guzzling Geek In The Theater… That’s right… The fucking GOVERNMENT was fucking with our little thing. We had designated drivers. But just like how you can’t take liquids on a plane – they said we couldn’t chug liquids in a form of a contest. I raise my Lone Star Finger In Your Beaurocratic Direction!

This wasn’t really a Drafthouse sponsored contest. This was a personal challenge. An alcohol induced athletic competition. This was BEERFEST goddamn it, and I wanted to fucking win. I was so sure of my drinking prowess… that I was gonna stock the team with 3 AICN girls and my light-weight beer drinking amateur best friend, RoRo. “Landfill” my ass… wait, that came out wrong. Ewww… that didn’t work either. LANDFILL is the name of Kevin’s character in the film… But dammit, if he’s Landfill… I’m New Jersey. I can take him.

Ok… So I’m rambling. I’m permitted, I’m drunk. And if you’re reading this you’re probably thinking, I should be drunk more often.

Anyways… the Movie.

Wait – before the movie. There was the Bratwurst Eating Contest. And QUINT did not win. There was much sorrow. Apparently Texas doesn’t have a government agency to outlaw the contest where the one swallowing the most phalluses could win… but beer swilling… out. In Texas? Who are these communists? This is SOUTH AUSTIN – beer comes out of tits for babies here! Sigh. Still bitter. Some seriously devoted dude in a green condom head thing won. He did it with gusto.

Then it came time for the movie.

The STRANGE BREW teaser trailer felt like the greatest opener ever for this film. And the JACKASS 2 trailer made my tooth hurt – once during BEERFEST I went out to take a piss – and saw Johnny Knoxville coming out of our screening, so he was there. I could out drink him to, I bet. (not)

I found – before the Alamo’s spots and trailers were over… and before the movie started… I had downed 3 steins of beer/malt beer stuff from Germany. I was feeling good.

Now the film, BEERFEST is fucking funny. I mean that. It’s not that I was drunk and thinking everything was funny, it might be that, but if it was funny just because I was drunk… isn’t that exactly what a movie called BEERFEST is supposed to be? This is a drinking film. Sneak the beer into the theater and get fucked up with this thing. If you’re in Austin or have a Drafthouse location near you… GO. This film is a blast.

What happens? Well – there’s a lot of fucking beer drunk. A lot. These strangely compelling games, that made more sense the drunker I got were captivating, and all I could think was… this is so much better than Celebrity Poker. There should be a “BAR CHANNEL” where it’s just the best beer drinking, story telling, quarters playing folks in the world – interrupted by sporadic boobs being bared. That channel would rock.

Of course – fuck watching it, Drink Beer, hit a tit bar and have fun. Wait. That’s a sure way to kill your liver. But I never really liked liver, unless it was fried at Threadgill’s and came from a chicken. That’s some good shit.

Anyway – Two Broken Lizard dudes make a pair of asses out of themselves, by being lightweights when they stumble into BEERFEST where they learn that their Grandfather was a thieving stable boy and that their Great Grandmother was a dirty German whore.

Humiliated – they return to the U.S. to put together an all-star team of ex-college drinkers and gamers they used to know back when they did this silly shit. The director apparently became, like Rav, one of those trolls that hang under bridges letting you touch their cock for a dollar – but will suck you off for $5. I know it doesn’t make sense – but it really was funny. You just have to see it.

In fact – I’m not going to try to explain the humor – or tell you what happens. You know the story. Honor is lost and it must be reclaimed. That’s the story. But along the way – you see lots and lots and lots of hot titties all over the place. You learn crazy drinking games that’ll kill you. And you find out what the real Das Boot is.

Of the Broken Lizard films… I wholeheartedly declare this one a great fucking time. I mean it. I like SUPER TROOPERS, Have found CLUB DREAD to grow on me… But DUKES OF HAZZARD just didn’t do it for me at all. But you know what. This film is so fucking funny – that it makes me want to watch DUKES right now – just to see if I was just a fucking stick in the mud…. Because this one kicked 9 layers of ass and blew me 3 times.

I have no idea how funny this movie will be to you. But for me – it was easily the funniest film I’ve seen this year – and I really didn’t think it would be. The audience was shouting out supportive statements to the contestants, clapping in time with the music and cheering characters forward… oh – and laughing their asses off. Of course, that was the Alamo Drafthouse… and the audience was really really fucked up. Worst Q&A ever. The Broken Lizard guys were ok… but our audience was a mess. Everybody thought they were an obscure comedian, asking jokes that they thought were questions – that at the end of the sentence proved to be neither. The BL guys would just sort of stand there… look at them and acknowledge the lethal dose of alcohol that that person had flowing through their blood stream.

Check out BEERFEST – it’s funnier than you think, even if you think it’s fucking funny.