Cool News
The "Make A New Avatar For Massawyrm" Contest!! (partial repost)
[EDITOR'S NOTE: this post originally appeared as part of a longer article, HERE!]
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
Okay, so I know there’s quite a few of you out there that just plain hate the Massawyrm avatar. You know, my drawing. How do I know this? The letters. I get tons of letters. And I’m not the only one. Harry gets them. Merrick gets them. Even Father Geek gets them. Whether from pissed off Christians angry about the content or simply those not fond of the art, I’ve steadily gotten a couple of letters a month, every month, for my entire tenure here at AICN.
Hell, even when I was in the Gulag for almost three years, people searching through old reviews wrote me with their anger or distaste for it.
Some begged me to change it, some said they couldn’t trust my reviews because of it and sometimes, just sometimes, people asked that I be fired for it. But the one thing these letters all shared in common was the absolute certainty that it was all my idea and that I was happy with it just the way it was.And folks, I gotta tell ya – that just ain’t the case.
To make a long story short: Cartuna wasn’t doing avatars anymore, Harry had an idea he found funny and a roommate of mine (an underground comix artist) thought it would be neat to do in an underground comix style. But it was never meant to be permanent. It was supposed to be a placeholder until I could get a Cartuna. Sadly that never happened. And every time I’ve broached the subject with Herr Knowles, he just falls into fits of impish giggling. He likes that I get nasty letters. He finds it funny.
It’s not that I find the content offensive – I mean, I do. Of course it’s offensive, and it’s particularly offensive to me and my beliefs. But what kind of asshole would I be, taking shots at others like I do, if I couldn’t also laugh at myself and the beliefs I hold? Telling, or laughing at, offensive jokes means you should be able to take them as well. And I’m fine with that. No, I’m with the other folks – the one’s that think it’s time to retire the art.
Harry and I have actually been talking about this for almost a year now, but much more so in the last few days. Then yesterday, out of the blue, I got ANOTHER letter. Great, I thought opening it another one of these. But this one was different. For the first time in five years, someone actually put their money where their mouth is. This guy sent art. He was actually so annoyed with my avatar that he sat down and took the time to draw me a new one.
And it made me laugh. So I shared it with Harry and it made him laugh. This guy, alias Goo Boy, managed to take the old concept and make it far more offensive than it ever was. At least with my old one there was plausible deniability. It doesn’t imply that I’m Jesus, just that I look like the Americanized stereotypical image of Jesus. And that I ride a pogo stick that looks an awful lot like a cross. This one? Well, take a look for yourself. This one’s pretty fucking blatant.
Wow. Now there’s an image that will get me letters. That’s just old school, straight from the bottle sacrilege right there.
But it got Harry and I thinking. What if we asked you, the audience, to submit your own version of Massawyrm – and from those pick a new avatar? You guys have been bitching for years. Now it’s time to put the fuck up or shut the fuck up. Here’s your chance to make your mark on Ain’t it Cool News. Make me a Massawyrm.
So here’s the guidelines:
1) Christ Imagery. Not a requirement. That was simply one interpretation. Give me yours. If you’re offended by the idea of satirical Christ imagery, by all means do something very, very different.
2) Evoke the mood of AICN. Odds are this isn’t your first visit to the site. You pretty much know what we’re about and what the art around here is like. Make it feel like it belongs here - even if you think I don’t.
3) Make me laugh. While this isn’t mandatory, odds are the one Harry and I pick will be the one that makes us chuckle every time we look at it. Which directly leads to…
4) Do your best to do your worst. This isn’t about making me look cool. This is about having fun with me. Don’t be afraid to mercilessly rake me over the coals. I’m a big boy. I can take it. This one goes out to those of you who really have a bone to pick with me. Is there a movie I praised that you suffered through because of it? Was there a movie you made that I was a total asshole about? It’s payback time. Don’t think Cool, think Ain’t it Cool.
5) Try to nail how you perceive me. Whether you want to play on the name Massawyrm, or some of my old reviews, some long running talkback jokes or rumors about me, or even the old artwork – try to get that across with your art. Make something that screams This is Massawyrm. The above picture is a perfect example.
6) All submissions must be in by 11:59 P.M. CST, Monday August 7th. The goal is to have one chosen and ready to go by August 9th – the one-year anniversary of my return to AICN. If the screenings fall as they should, I’m hoping to have my brand new avatar appear on the review for, you know, that film with the snakes.
7) Send all submissions here, rather than my normal e-mail account. This will ensure that none of them get lost and I can hold on to any contact information.
Any submissions not sent to this address will simply be ignored.
Please submit them in .jpg format, and try to keep them at a reasonable file size. Make sure to include the name you’d like to be credited as so we can give credit where credit is due.
8) All decisions will be made by Harry and myself. But who are we kidding? Harry’s gonna make the final call.
For those of you curious whether or not I look like my avatar – I do. But here’s one of Harry’s favorite doctored photos of me (from the Domino shotgun event) for those that want authenticity. And yes, the tattoo is Harry having fun with my ass.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Harry...had fun...with...Massa's...ass?!]
So what do you win? Bragging rights, baby, bragging rights. That and your art will appear on almost every review I post, which is a couple times a week.
Aside from that, nobody ever sends me any of the good shit. Quint gets Sideshow toys. I get T-shirts for The Core and Catwoman posters. Really, you don’t want anything I have to give you. So bragging rights. And lots of people seeing your art.
So have at it friends. Make me a Massawyrm. I can’t wait to see what you guys do with me.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
Massawyrm
Are you beginning to be curious about what exactly Massawyrm would do? E-mail and ask me here? Goo Boy and I are so going to Hell for that.
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+ Expand All
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Like a Jet-ski, with rainbows shooting out of the back, and holding a gun, and smoking a cigar which he is using to light the original 9mm prints of Little Man on fire.
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Same picture, but you shoot Mohammed in the head, and Mohammed is wearing a jacket that says "Pedophile" on it.
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you have a still from Southpark
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All the other pics are pretty simple, usually with just one accessory. How about Buddy Jesus holding a pinwheel?
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Your avatar has always been my favorite. Leave it alone.
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an elephant trunk dick and a massive gunshot wound to the chest, now THAT was some fucked up shit!!
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What's next? Are we then going to decide what color to paint our club's treehouse? Sheesh...
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have to be kidding me.
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You mean THIS??? http://tinyurl.com/rnkvk
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Jul 18, 2006 3:38:32 PM CDT
nah, his old avatar looked like 5th grade art doodles
by ricky henderson
He definitely needs a new one--preferably one that doesn't make him look like Kevin Smith (even if its the truth).
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massa's new avatar won't even come close.
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I never did understand the christ stuff. the other avatars seem to follow the nicknames and massawyrm says dragon to me.
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Yes, we CAN! Huzzah! This is America, people killed and died so we could be free to make fun of Buddha and Mohammed next. I'm not saying we should, but if and when I get the hankerin' the option is there. Hopefully nobody feels they have to boycott anything, or set anything on fire, or kill or die because of it. I wonder why people feel like their god is the only god we can't crack jokes about. Kinda like Chef quitting South Park after they finally got around to jabbing HIS religion.
And ps, I don't get the Jesus connection to Masswyrm either. I've also been perplexed by the green Gandhi amputee avatar of Hercules. I didn't spend too much time worried about it though. Hey Massawyrm, what's the story there? -
Shouldn't he have at least some kind of dragon in the picture? I always thought those wyrms from Reign of Fire were kickass...
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I was trying to explain the reason for the partial re-post of Massa's contest article...but the explanation was convoluted and gave me a headache...so I bailed.
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interest level must be through the roof on this one.
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Don't cave in! There are still parts of this country that are still free, I am so sick of these religious people using freedom of religion to practice their religion and then constantly fighting freedom of speech because someone says or does something that offends them. You can't have one without the other, so just stop it already!
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http://img476.imageshack.us/img476/5338/hellobeastywz3.jpg
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Where exactly did the name Massawyrm come from? I get Quint, I get Hurcules, I get Joseph Merrick, I get Moriarty, Capone, etc. What the hell is a Massawyrm?
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http://tinyurl.com/g6juu
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While not overtly Christian either, THE IRON GIANT did deal with the mythical motif of death and re-birth, self-sacrifice and the transforming power that love can have on the nature of a machine mentality. While I
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http://tinyurl.com/s5sv9
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Seriously, just gize us a solid limit.
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but someone make a pic of the cross reaming your ass, and blood squirting out everywhere... kthanxbye
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and spend money on the stamp, and send it. I have a message for you. Get a fucking life you douch
bag bitches. You find that offensive. 97% of the internet is offensive. This is a nerd website. Shouldn't you guys be arguing over Spiderman's Web shooters, or The picture of Prime from the new Michael Bay turd. Why the hell are you waisting your time mailing HIM!!!
http://www.youtube.com/user/DarthEvilDead -
Holy crap man, that second one is even funier...because I have that Sam Jackson atop the very monitor I write from. Now that's all I'm gonna think of when I see this. Thanks ;)
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I just noticed the Dr. Pepper in both of his avatars. I like him a little bit more now.
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after reading his non-commital lady in the water "review" and gush for devil wears prada, there's nothing more appropriate.
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it'd be like Ebert having a poll ("thumbs up? thumbs down?") on whether the viewers think he should change his sports coat. I don't like the avatar (a smoking, drinking Jesus on a pogo stick is okay, it was the bloody holes that got to me), but this isn't what the site is supposed to be about, is it?
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http://tinyurl.com/s6bbd
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Thank you for wasting our time instead of your own.
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http://tinyurl.com/z25cx
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I like it...
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Man I wish I had the time to elaborate and put it on paper.
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Nice. When you're even boreder, kick it up a notch and enter it in the contest.
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Jul 19, 2006 12:19:50 AM CDT
Yo, MASSA! If you're peeking at this, I got a question
by ourmaninmontr
Hey, how you doing? What's your position on the whole Star Wars thing?
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I only know of "goatse" in refernce to one thing on all the internet...
If we're thinking along the same lines, that would certainly be an avatar not soon forgotten. -
Tile, that's exactly the type of insulting stuff I was hoping for. I love how you made sure to include as many religions as possible. And the can of DP was a nice touch.***OurmaninMontreal - you mean aside from the fact that I love, love, love SW? And hate the prequels? That about sums it up.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wGR4-SeuJ0
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... But if you do something that makes fun of gay people or liberals you all get offended. Why is it OK for liberals to hate on Christians but God forbid we say something offensive to you. That would be hate speech.
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Suck suck sucking suckity suck!! (I'm posting this for a reason... be patient...assuming I finish it.)
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is that stuff like that is kinda exactly what I'm looking for. Get offensive. Have fun. And Superzario, man, feel free to offend whoever you want. For years guys have said exactly what you just said - I offer up that opportunity, but no takers on your side of the aisle. Are all the artists liberal atheists?
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One time I made a comment in a Broke back mountain talk back and forget about it.
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http://tinyurl.com/p37oa Above post explained! (tiny size due to trying to squeak it into photobucket)
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I've officially become part of a meme. Very nice!
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http://tinyurl.com/s6rqe
No money involved, but a very diluted form of glory -
...Frank Miller is directing Will Eisner's 'The Spirit'
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I just wanted to know if I should go with, say, Lobot headphones or Maul horns -or no SW reference at all- on my little crafts project. Now I know Maul horns or Bents ears will please you more (you did just say 'offend whoever you want').
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http://filmick.blogspot.com/2006/07/frank-miller-to-be-humbled-at-feet-of.html
Is it good news or bad news? I would have certainly considered Brad Bird the perfect man for the job... -
Jul 19, 2006 9:13:08 AM CDT
Massawyrm, any chance you'll post a bunch of the best
by excaliburffolkes
entries for all of us to see, or do we only get to see the winning entry once you've selected it?
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..also a trannie. Just sayin'.
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I forgot to have a (cigarette) butt sticking out of his mouth, but there is at least a butt sticking out otherwise.
http://www.umop.com/images/massawyrm_dave.jpg -
if parallax's gets picked I will never read another massawyrm post as long as I live. Honestly people - there ARE some limits...
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Enh, in terms of something being religiously offensive,we're still waaaaaaaaaay this side of the limit, you ask me. My limit anyway. I think it's in Guam or something. I've actually never seen it.
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maybe you can draw Mohammed's face on there too. And it isnt the religious imagery for me. I can be pretty blasphemous and irreverent. Its the...well...lets just call it the "goatse effect". Got it?
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Parallax, I do like the zits on the ass. Amazing attention to detail.
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I figure I started it all... I'll show you the other designs I worked on, in a lil animated gif. Enjoy, Geeks.
http://www.cocknpuss.com/decor/wyrm.gif -
Bad Religion...
http://tinyurl.com/8mh9a -
The Bunny is a coincidence, actually. He appeared in another drawing I made for Harry back in December (it got me into BNAT7!). Aside from all that, everyone loves bunnies! I absolutely love your Taunton drawing and hope they pick that one! Awesome...
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5 days in and the submissions are going strong. Sure, some folks think it's silly, but then again, it's not for them. It's for those of you who have fun with this sort of thing. And thanks for the great start. For those asking, you're damn right we're gonna have a post with all the best submissions...and of course, some of the very worst. It'll be a fun post and I'm very much looking forward to sharing some of the funny, cool and downright obscene pictures I've been getting. Keep it up guys, this is gonna be a lot of fun.
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Was "Massawyrm" already taken?? lol!
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Back in the day, I had it. But changed e-mail addresses and lost the password...at the time I wasn't writing for AICN, so rather than try to go through the channels, I simply made a new one.
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massawyrm wishes he was moriarty but doesn't have any recognizable writing skills or insights. i guess his talent is to keep harry happy. that's why he gets to write on this site. otherwise, the guy's pretty bad. someone should draw harry on the cross, and massawyrm crying like a little baby.
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... only Jesus! This is Amurica boy! We don't got no truck with them heathen Muslims and Buddhists!
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TODD THE MOTHER F@#$ING IRON GIANT AWAY UP THERE?! WOO HOO! *** Howdy Todd! {:-)
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yeah! the holy grail of the man who made "smoke 'em if you got 'em, I know i will" a household phrase, used by parents when lecturing their kids.
http://tinyurl.com/kkmad -
i thought a picture of massawyrm as a faun playing a pan pipe made of smokes of varying lengths might be fun, but i dont care enough to draw another one.
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So by implication, mercykill, moriarty HAS writing skills and/or insights! Moriarty - you just got a compliment from a mean old cranky ass talkshitbacker! he probably regrets it now but enjoy it nonetheless!
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I'm nowhere near as talented as most of you's guys, but here ya go! Hope the email went through.
http://img146.imageshack.us/img146/6509/massafinalrt9.jpg
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I know it's hard to decypher. That's a pink lightsaber. And Kuato. And milk droplets squirting from Harry's teets. I'd call it abstract, but then I'd just be bullshitting you.
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I visit this site daily and I have absolutely no idea who this guy is. His contributions must be minimal.
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Puhlease post the winners! Your loyal readers deserve closure! If you can't post all entries, post the three best & the three worst! If you can't post that, post a note saying nobody won! For Chrissake, post a fart so we know you haven't forgotten about this contest! Whatever happened to the Brisco contest, or the Superman contest (good luck finding evidence on this site that there ever was a Superman contest). TALKBACKERS UNITE! MAKE MASSA SQUIRM! Come on Massa, are you having second thoughts? Are you suffering separation anxiety? Stop being so aloof, man. Post us a note. Don't leave us hanging. WE DEMAND SATISFACTION, SIR!
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I submitted it two weeks ago. I'm promised it will be up shortly.
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This 'Post Comment'preview option is a bit odd...
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I'm doubting it...
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Seriously, I think some kind of update is in order.
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...and see if the link to old posts returns after you create a new one in the resurrected talkbacks. Let's find out.
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