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Published on Tuesday, July 18, 2006 - 2:54pm |
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The "Make A New Avatar For Massawyrm" Contest!! (partial repost)
[EDITOR'S NOTE: this post originally appeared as part of a longer article, HERE!]
Okay, so I know there’s quite a few of you out there that just plain hate the Massawyrm avatar. You know, my drawing. How do I know this? The letters. I get tons of letters. And I’m not the only one. Harry gets them. Merrick gets them. Even Father Geek gets them. Whether from pissed off Christians angry about the content or simply those not fond of the art, I’ve steadily gotten a couple of letters a month, every month, for my entire tenure here at AICN.
Hell, even when I was in the Gulag for almost three years, people searching through old reviews wrote me with their anger or distaste for it.
Some begged me to change it, some said they couldn’t trust my reviews because of it and sometimes, just sometimes, people asked that I be fired for it. But the one thing these letters all shared in common was the absolute certainty that it was all my idea and that I was happy with it just the way it was.And folks, I gotta tell ya – that just ain’t the case.
To make a long story short: Cartuna wasn’t doing avatars anymore, Harry had an idea he found funny and a roommate of mine (an underground comix artist) thought it would be neat to do in an underground comix style. But it was never meant to be permanent. It was supposed to be a placeholder until I could get a Cartuna. Sadly that never happened. And every time I’ve broached the subject with Herr Knowles, he just falls into fits of impish giggling. He likes that I get nasty letters. He finds it funny.
It’s not that I find the content offensive – I mean, I do. Of course it’s offensive, and it’s particularly offensive to me and my beliefs. But what kind of asshole would I be, taking shots at others like I do, if I couldn’t also laugh at myself and the beliefs I hold? Telling, or laughing at, offensive jokes means you should be able to take them as well. And I’m fine with that. No, I’m with the other folks – the one’s that think it’s time to retire the art.
Harry and I have actually been talking about this for almost a year now, but much more so in the last few days. Then yesterday, out of the blue, I got ANOTHER letter. Great, I thought opening it another one of these. But this one was different. For the first time in five years, someone actually put their money where their mouth is. This guy sent art. He was actually so annoyed with my avatar that he sat down and took the time to draw me a new one.
And it made me laugh. So I shared it with Harry and it made him laugh. This guy, alias Goo Boy, managed to take the old concept and make it far more offensive than it ever was. At least with my old one there was plausible deniability. It doesn’t imply that I’m Jesus, just that I look like the Americanized stereotypical image of Jesus. And that I ride a pogo stick that looks an awful lot like a cross. This one? Well, take a look for yourself. This one’s pretty fucking blatant.
Wow. Now there’s an image that will get me letters. That’s just old school, straight from the bottle sacrilege right there.
But it got Harry and I thinking. What if we asked you, the audience, to submit your own version of Massawyrm – and from those pick a new avatar? You guys have been bitching for years. Now it’s time to put the fuck up or shut the fuck up. Here’s your chance to make your mark on Ain’t it Cool News. Make me a Massawyrm.
So here’s the guidelines:
1) Christ Imagery. Not a requirement. That was simply one interpretation. Give me yours. If you’re offended by the idea of satirical Christ imagery, by all means do something very, very different.
2) Evoke the mood of AICN. Odds are this isn’t your first visit to the site. You pretty much know what we’re about and what the art around here is like. Make it feel like it belongs here - even if you think I don’t.
3) Make me laugh. While this isn’t mandatory, odds are the one Harry and I pick will be the one that makes us chuckle every time we look at it. Which directly leads to…
4) Do your best to do your worst. This isn’t about making me look cool. This is about having fun with me. Don’t be afraid to mercilessly rake me over the coals. I’m a big boy. I can take it. This one goes out to those of you who really have a bone to pick with me. Is there a movie I praised that you suffered through because of it? Was there a movie you made that I was a total asshole about? It’s payback time. Don’t think Cool, think Ain’t it Cool.
5) Try to nail how you perceive me. Whether you want to play on the name Massawyrm, or some of my old reviews, some long running talkback jokes or rumors about me, or even the old artwork – try to get that across with your art. Make something that screams This is Massawyrm. The above picture is a perfect example.
6) All submissions must be in by 11:59 P.M. CST, Monday August 7th. The goal is to have one chosen and ready to go by August 9th – the one-year anniversary of my return to AICN. If the screenings fall as they should, I’m hoping to have my brand new avatar appear on the review for, you know, that film with the snakes.
7) Send all submissions here, rather than my normal e-mail account. This will ensure that none of them get lost and I can hold on to any contact information.
Any submissions not sent to this address will simply be ignored.
Please submit them in .jpg format, and try to keep them at a reasonable file size. Make sure to include the name you’d like to be credited as so we can give credit where credit is due.
8) All decisions will be made by Harry and myself. But who are we kidding? Harry’s gonna make the final call.
For those of you curious whether or not I look like my avatar – I do. But here’s one of Harry’s favorite doctored photos of me (from the Domino shotgun event) for those that want authenticity. And yes, the tattoo is Harry having fun with my ass.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Harry...had fun...with...Massa's...ass?!]

So what do you win? Bragging rights, baby, bragging rights. That and your art will appear on almost every review I post, which is a couple times a week.
Aside from that, nobody ever sends me any of the good shit. Quint gets Sideshow toys. I get T-shirts for The Core and Catwoman posters. Really, you don’t want anything I have to give you. So bragging rights. And lots of people seeing your art.
So have at it friends. Make me a Massawyrm. I can’t wait to see what you guys do with me.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
Massawyrm

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Reader Talkback
He should be riding the cross by Engineer_at_peac | Jul 18th, 2006 02:57:22 PM | Can we also make fun of Buddha
and Mohammed next? by Cletus Van Damme | Jul 18th, 2006 02:59:18 PM | Mohammed should definitely be
in there. by Engineer_at_peac | Jul 18th, 2006 03:00:46 PM | Nice. Add some Scat to that
and... by jaxnnux | Jul 18th, 2006 03:11:18 PM | Again, the new one is too busy by chrth | Jul 18th, 2006 03:14:58 PM | I don't know what the
hell you're talking about by BatCountry | Jul 18th, 2006 03:17:44 PM | what about merrik's
avatar? by capitol f | Jul 18th, 2006 03:18:12 PM | This is REAL important... by stlfilmwire | Jul 18th, 2006 03:20:50 PM | Jew... by LoveMeTender | Jul 18th, 2006 03:29:51 PM | CAPITOL F by Joseph Merrick | Jul 18th, 2006 03:34:01 PM | nah, his old avatar looked
like 5th grade art doodles by Ricky Henderson | Jul 18th, 2006 03:38:32 PM | oh yeah!! by capitol f | Jul 18th, 2006 03:48:52 PM | I never did by Cory849 | Jul 18th, 2006 03:57:07 PM | Republished contest article? by YackBacker | Jul 18th, 2006 04:09:47 PM | Can we make fun of Buddha and
Mohammed next? by MR INBETWEEN | Jul 18th, 2006 04:17:50 PM | Yeah, what's with the
"wyrm" part? by Killah_Mate | Jul 18th, 2006 04:19:02 PM | Merrick, what happened to your
post addressed to moi? by YackBacker | Jul 18th, 2006 04:43:52 PM | YACK by Joseph Merrick | Jul 18th, 2006 04:54:50 PM | well, it's a contest with
no prize. by mocky_puppet | Jul 18th, 2006 04:56:36 PM | Merrick LOL! by YackBacker | Jul 18th, 2006 04:57:38 PM | Fuck those religious nuts.... by OriginalThinker | Jul 18th, 2006 04:58:06 PM | "Hello Beasty" by Orionsangels | Jul 18th, 2006 05:10:59 PM | So as long as we're back
on this subject by quadrupletree | Jul 18th, 2006 05:11:39 PM | My submission #1 by Tall_Boy | Jul 18th, 2006 06:27:27 PM | I see THE IRON GIANT in your
future by Todd | Jul 18th, 2006 06:46:58 PM | My submission #2 by Tall_Boy | Jul 18th, 2006 06:48:53 PM | That pic looks like Dillon
Kleibolds' senior picture by JackieJokeman | Jul 18th, 2006 07:02:46 PM | I just hope that gun is being
pointed at an Iranian. by Ashok0 | Jul 18th, 2006 07:03:17 PM | Define reasonable size by Big Bad Clone | Jul 18th, 2006 08:13:38 PM | too lazy to read all of the
posts... by wash | Jul 18th, 2006 08:27:18 PM | To everyone that took the time
to write a letter by Darth Evil Dead | Jul 18th, 2006 08:29:11 PM | Tall Boy... by Massawyrm 1 | Jul 18th, 2006 09:18:03 PM | Dr. Pepper by The Funketeer | Jul 18th, 2006 09:47:07 PM | A Tampon by Silver Shamrock | Jul 18th, 2006 09:50:19 PM | this is dumb by greyspecter | Jul 18th, 2006 10:15:48 PM | My submission by Bean_ | Jul 18th, 2006 10:31:33 PM | My submission - I DARE you to
make a worse one! by Bean_ | Jul 18th, 2006 10:32:14 PM | Speed Fricassee by blackwood | Jul 18th, 2006 10:34:19 PM | My sketch-Out of Boredom by tile_mcgillus | Jul 18th, 2006 10:54:10 PM | What's wrong with this
one? by moviemaniac-7 | Jul 18th, 2006 10:56:58 PM | I'm thinking something
"goatse-esque" by docfalken | Jul 18th, 2006 11:05:05 PM | tile_mcgillus by OurManInMontr | Jul 18th, 2006 11:06:51 PM | Yo, MASSA! If you're
peeking at this, I got a
question by OurManInMontr | Jul 19th, 2006 12:19:50 AM | Docfalken by HessenRoots | Jul 19th, 2006 12:22:37 AM | Tile - AWESOME/Montreal -huh? by Massawyrm 1 | Jul 19th, 2006 12:41:51 AM | Ok TIME OUT! Chad Vader Break by Orionsangels | Jul 19th, 2006 01:28:42 AM | Yeah that's OK... by superzario | Jul 19th, 2006 01:50:44 AM | SUCK! SUCK SUCKORZ! SUCKS!!! by Tall_Boy | Jul 19th, 2006 02:00:42 AM | Pantera, what you don't
understand... by Massawyrm 1 | Jul 19th, 2006 02:11:44 AM | I'm just saying man. by superzario | Jul 19th, 2006 02:18:07 AM | ... by superzario | Jul 19th, 2006 02:18:57 AM | My submission #3 by Tall_Boy | Jul 19th, 2006 02:27:34 AM | Okay Tall Boy, that's
fucking funny by Massawyrm 1 | Jul 19th, 2006 03:51:24 AM | Can't draw but can write?
Wanna report on Comicon? by Brendon | Jul 19th, 2006 05:22:28 AM | And in ACTUAL movie new
today... by DOGSOUP | Jul 19th, 2006 06:21:34 AM | Massa: thanks by OurManInMontr | Jul 19th, 2006 08:19:21 AM | DOGSOUP - more on that here by Brendon | Jul 19th, 2006 08:47:59 AM | Massawyrm, any chance
you'll post a bunch of the
best by ExcaliburFfolkes | Jul 19th, 2006 09:13:08 AM | Isn't Darth Evil Dead
tedious? I hear "he's".. by Borgnine JR | Jul 19th, 2006 09:47:44 AM | My entry by Parallax | Jul 19th, 2006 10:37:50 AM | parallax by Cory849 | Jul 19th, 2006 11:26:32 AM | the limit by MR INBETWEEN | Jul 19th, 2006 11:52:06 AM | sure... by Cory849 | Jul 19th, 2006 12:25:58 PM | So did I start some weird
BUNNY thing? by GooBoy | Jul 19th, 2006 12:48:41 PM | Everyone else is doin' it by GooBoy | Jul 19th, 2006 01:20:33 PM | What about this one?
http://tinyurl.com/8mh9a by Prometeo | Jul 19th, 2006 02:34:09 PM | GooBoy by Parallax | Jul 19th, 2006 04:51:44 PM | Thanks guys! by Massawyrm 1 | Jul 19th, 2006 05:45:16 PM | why Massawyrm "1" by quadrupletree | Jul 19th, 2006 06:19:48 PM | ahem...yes by Massawyrm 1 | Jul 19th, 2006 11:47:07 PM | massawyrm vs. moriarty by mercykill | Jul 20th, 2006 05:07:14 AM | by Pontsing Barset | Jul 20th, 2006 08:36:38 AM | Damn enter key... and: Nope,
Cletus Van Damme... by Pontsing Barset | Jul 20th, 2006 08:42:51 AM | Did I really see.... by Skyway Moaters | Jul 20th, 2006 08:48:42 AM | my entry by generasputinhole | Jul 22nd, 2006 03:39:43 AM | Massa...Tumnus? by generasputinhole | Jul 22nd, 2006 04:00:09 AM | massawyrm v. mercykill by Cory849 | Jul 24th, 2006 07:40:22 AM | THIS...IS...MASSAWYRM!!!
(submission) by MrDr | Jul 26th, 2006 11:40:07 PM | To clear up a couple things
about it- by MrDr | Jul 27th, 2006 01:15:00 AM | What's the story with the
Gulag? by MR INBETWEEN | Aug 8th, 2006 01:11:28 AM | Harry might know "massawyrm",
but I dont. by Cotton McKnight | Aug 21st, 2006 03:28:15 PM | Come on already! I'm dying
here! by Wes_Man2th | Aug 23rd, 2006 07:07:06 PM | It's coming, it's
coming by Massawyrm 1 | Aug 23rd, 2006 07:26:02 PM | Oh... and TOO SOON!! by Admiral_Kirk | Sep 13th, 2006 11:45:25 AM | So are the missing talkback
posts coming back? by Admiral_Kirk | Sep 13th, 2006 11:47:58 AM | "...ready to go by August 9th
" by Yipes | Sep 22nd, 2006 11:50:06 PM | I need to have an experiment
here... by Stalin vs Predator | Oct 22nd, 2007 01:17:40 PM |
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