By The Twitching Of My Testes Hair, TENACIOUS D: PICK OF DESTINY Review Is Here!!!
Hey folks, Harry here... Seems Colorado was the place to be last night - if you have been watching the Hell-o-clock News updates and frothing for TENACIOUS D: THE PICK OF DESTINY. We all know this movie will rock like Gibraltar, but it is nice to be reassured. We've had reviews in the past - that revealed the ending was not what the filmmaker's had hoped - it seems they've fixed that with the new edit and those additional shoots. Warning - this sucker is filled with wall to wall spoilers... but let's face it - this is a musical, and the plot - as earth-shattering as it is - is the pimple on the mighty ass of this film's inevitable Grammy sweeping - Oscar Winning Soundtrack. The soundtrack will be the first to earn an Adamantium Record for Unbreakable Record Sales! You know it!
First-time writer, long-time reader, all that...
Didn't see this on your main page, so I thought I'd send in a review of TENACIOUS D IN THE PICK OF DESTINY which I saw last night at Pasadena's Paseo Colorado 14. First of all, let me say before I get into spoilers, that a lot of people are going to be extremely happy when they see this movie. Being only a marginal Tenacious D fan, but a big fan of Jack Black, I was looking forward to the movie, but apart from Ronnie James Dio's cameo, I had no idea what to expect from this film. Rest assured, it is AWESOME. It might even be the best film I've seen all summer, including Superman, X-Men, Pirates, etc. It is that good - really, really funny, having developed and relatable characters, terrific music and songs, and great comedic situations without lowest common denominator crassness. It is a lot of fun.
Now on to spoilers. The movie is more or less a musical, with a lot of plot expressed through singing, rather than just having the songs talk about typical tenacious d stuff (rocking, ass-kicking, etc). Those songs are in the movie too - but they're less than the plot-driven ones. Anyway, the film starts with Jack Black as a young kid, being raised in a Christian family, and getting in trouble for being into the Devil's music. Meat Loaf plays JB's father, and he sings too, tearing down all JB's heavy metal posters, except for the one behind his door - for DIO. Dio comes to life and tells JB to move to Hollywood.
In Hollywood, JB discovers an awesome musician at Venice Beach (Kyle Gass), and eventually Kyle relents to letting JB learn the art of rock from him. KG lies to JB, telling him he's getting royalty checks and he "knows all the guys from Sabbath." The sequences here, as JB undergoes Kyle's "school of rock" are hilarious, especially the Gig Simulator, which has JB playing his songs to a room full of paper-plates with faces drawn on, and KG throwing beer-bottles at him and hurling insults. It's amazing.
After KG's lies are exposed, the two form Tenacious D (due to the birthmarks on their asses, spelling yes, Tenac on JB and ious D on KG.) The plot really starts here as it's revealed that KG's mother is cutting him off, and he has a short time to get together money for rent or he'll have to move back home. It's then that the two, whilst persuing Guitar Center, discover that many famous guitarists have all used the same guitar pick. And when they ask the salesman at the counter (an incredible cameo by Ben Stiller), he tells them the story of the Pick of Destiny - that it's really Satan's tooth, broken off when conjured by a middle-ages lute player and lost through the ages. They decide to get the pick, as it will turn them into guitar gods, to win the prize money at a local open mic night - which just so happens to resting comfortably in the Rock & Roll History Museum (not the Hall of Fame as previously reported) in Sacremento.
After this, the two hit the road and head up to Sacremento to break into the Museum. The trip is fairly short, and avoids road movie cliches. JB & KG do break-up and make-up, over KG's raging hormones, and that leads to an awesome sequence in which JB eats some magic mushrooms and has a psychedelic experience in the woods with Sasquatch (he discovers Sasquatch is actally his father - and takes his place at his father's side, with JB also in the Sasquatch costume running through the forest.) And the end of this sequence, and a sappy love-song that plays as KG discovers he needs JB, the D get back together. While investigating the Museum, they run into a wretched-looking, rotten-teeth Tim Robbins, who tells them he lost his leg trying to steal the Pick. His cameo is more of a guest-starring role, and it delivers. Robbins is hilarious as the Pirate-type, who moves incredibly slow, yet tries in the end to kill the boys. He tells the cops "Catch me if you can!" and tries to meander away - needless to say he doesn't get far.
So the D break into the history museum and have to crawl through air-vents and avoid pot-smoking guards. This sequence is noteworthy for one of the most hilarious, yet nearly-graphic things I've ever seen. All through the movie, KG has been goading JB to do cock push-ups, where one lies on their stomach and has to a push-up using only... well, you get the idea. In the museum, JB is trapped amidst many lasers that guard the Pick and has to unleash his beast to turn them off, and all his other limbs are trapped. When unleashed, said beast (in his underwear, thank god), gets the screen all to himself to free them. It hilarious and very cringe-worthy at the same time.
They get the pick, endure a crazy car chase on the way home, and arrive at the open Mic, only to have an argument over who gets to use it that night. The pick breaks in half, and the open mic host delivers one of the best lines of the year: "Satan isn't in a guitar pick. He's in all of us. In our hearts." Truer words have never been spoken. Of course, after the D decide to go on without the pick, the host turns into Satan himself, puts the tooth back into his mouth, and Tenacious D has to challenge him to a ROCK OFF for the rights for the pick. They play the best song ever written (a nod to their song TRIBUTE), which still doesn't beat Satan - until a fluke thing happens and they get a piece of his horn instead. The movie ends with JB and KG creating the PIPE OF DESTINY, turning Satan's horn into something a bit more fitting for them. The end.
Black, Gass, and director Liam Lynch (United States of Whatever) rock this shit hard. It will be intersing to see what rating it gets, because the plot and jokes are really PG-13, but there's A LOT of cursing, which I feel shouldn't be edited outwhich leads me to believe in might be rated R. New Line, don't edit the cursing out. It would really change the characters for the worse. Anyway, this movie might be the biggest cult film since Napoleon Dynamite. It's perfect.
If you use this, call me Longshot.
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July 14, 2006, 2:31 p.m. CST
I've had my balls rocked live by the D twice...and it looks like they shall be rocked again!!!!!
July 14, 2006, 2:32 p.m. CST
By snacking on a TASTY BOOSH after the show???
July 14, 2006, 2:34 p.m. CST
by Man Juice
July 14, 2006, 2:34 p.m. CST
These cockasses are funny!
July 14, 2006, 2:40 p.m. CST
July 14, 2006, 2:43 p.m. CST
I will be seeing this movie.
July 14, 2006, 2:47 p.m. CST
by Mr Nice Gaius
...it's because you have no talent. That's the Cosmic SHHHAAAAAAAMMMMMMMEEE!!!
July 14, 2006, 2:53 p.m. CST
JB and KG were talking this thing up at last year's SDCC, for Christ's sake. I want to see it!
July 14, 2006, 2:54 p.m. CST
I've been practicing my cock push-ups, inward singing and hard fucking in preparation for this muthafucka ... not to mention hours of target practice with my MIND BULLETS. Now I have powers comparable to Wonderboy.
July 14, 2006, 3:02 p.m. CST
by Jar Jar 4 Prez
July 14, 2006, 3:03 p.m. CST
I love the D! Lovelovelovelove!
July 14, 2006, 3:09 p.m. CST
Bought it for 50 cents on VHS. Got about ten minutes into and the tape got chewed. I need spoilers. Who was the killer, and why? And why did Leif Garrett start losing his hair at such a young age? That's very creepy.
July 14, 2006, 3:11 p.m. CST
here to Tianenmen Squaaare!
July 14, 2006, 3:12 p.m. CST
July 14, 2006, 3:17 p.m. CST
sweet, damn I can't wait fot this.
July 14, 2006, 3:23 p.m. CST
by Det. John Kimble
Psyched to hear it, hope Longshot is leafy, green and rooted to the ground.
July 14, 2006, 3:24 p.m. CST
by future help
mabye in month's...but whatever. If i got a Fab. Furry Freak Bros. update...that whould be even MORE AICN cool.
July 14, 2006, 3:28 p.m. CST
know of Jack Black only through School of Rock and Nacho Libre, and take their wee children to this movie? (I'm guessing the one-sheet's inevitable red-eyed devil-goat, flaming pentagram, scantily-clad arrow-tailed succubuses, and a close up of JB's tightie-whitey cock push-up will tip them off that this ain't School of Nacho Rock and Roll.)
July 14, 2006, 3:29 p.m. CST
I'm there!!! ugh.
July 14, 2006, 3:29 p.m. CST
by future help
seems like TD and Borat and Clerks (you know, Indie comedy) might just save our summer. (after the let down's of Supes, X3 and POTC2 -though POTC was an improvement...yet long - and X3, while not great...more fun than Supes Return.) blah BLAH BLAhhh....
July 14, 2006, 3:38 p.m. CST
This is an R-rated, occasionally NC-17 rated, act. Always has been. Bottom line I just hope it rocks my socks off.
July 14, 2006, 4:16 p.m. CST
It's in Pasadena, California, just 10 minutes north of Los Angeles. It is on Colorado Blvd, which is the source of confusion...looking forward to this flick for sure. I love me some Tenacious D.
July 14, 2006, 4:27 p.m. CST
how much of this will be new?
July 14, 2006, 4:32 p.m. CST
It's totally the best movie this summer! Really? Are you sure? Ahh, I'm just in a bad mood as I'm hung-over at work...
July 14, 2006, 4:59 p.m. CST
by Mr Brownstone
it has no "street cred". you know, like Metallica's black album.
July 14, 2006, 5:24 p.m. CST
X3 = fucking shit. Pick Of Destiny > X3. I > all of you. You < me. You = suck. I = rule. JB & KG = pwners of your soul. Savvy?
July 14, 2006, 5:26 p.m. CST
by El Scorcho
Guaranteed. The cursing this guy talks about is what the D is, and certainly in many of the songs, which they can't and won't edit. Cannot wait for November 17th.
July 14, 2006, 5:43 p.m. CST
Jack is a nut and I hope this rocks. I hope Dio appears in full D&D regalia with a big rubber dragon at his side too.
July 14, 2006, 7:23 p.m. CST
no, this is just a tribute.
July 14, 2006, 7:58 p.m. CST
"Maybe I'm doin' it wrong. I'm just not getting what everyone's getting"
July 14, 2006, 9:01 p.m. CST
but will Satan be played by Grohl in all of his awesomeness?
July 14, 2006, 9:39 p.m. CST
Yeah, there's apparently an album's worth of new songs in this motherfucker. When JB was in New Zealand filming Kong, the D performed and he did a rough version of one of the songs in the movie (I wasn't at the show, but I got a bootleg of it). He also performed a duet of You're the One that I Want with Andy Serkis as Gollum. Fans of the D are invited to come over to http://firstname.lastname@example.orgIP0bEMSdQI.35@.ef30c5d to check out the Pick of Destiny thread for additional tidbits. Haters of the D are invited to fuck off.
July 14, 2006, 9:41 p.m. CST
the album for the movie is supposed to be about 85%-90% new material.
July 15, 2006, 12:03 a.m. CST
It's Tenacious D time ya mothafuckas! GO!
July 15, 2006, 4:41 a.m. CST
Whatever allegiance I pledged to South Park the Motion Picture over 5 years ago, the Tenacious D film will experience that love 4 fold! Phil Collins will not steal the Oscar this time!
July 15, 2006, 11:06 a.m. CST
it is locked into the cd player in the car for about 9 months and my wife/kids will have to find alternative transport.
July 15, 2006, 12:28 p.m. CST
maybe even an 18 (hard R) but this, after a nickelodeon film, could be sanitised to a 12A (PG-13). Pray not.
July 15, 2006, 1:07 p.m. CST
If you've seen the HBO shows (and shame on you if you haven't), you know the D is not a kid-friendly PG-13 act. Ther's no way this is gonna be anything more than an R rating... drug use, naughty language, possible partial nudity (probably KG's naked ass), these are the kinds of things we can expect. In addition to, you know, having cream in our jeans... This one ain't fer kids.
July 15, 2006, 2:18 p.m. CST
To promote the movie, eh? I have only seen a couple of the HBO shows, and it is a shame. A double team supreme!
July 15, 2006, 3:14 p.m. CST
by Missing Dink
Critiquing the story and giving it away are two very different acts. Next time try actually reviewing it please.
July 15, 2006, 3:24 p.m. CST
If you DIDNT want to see this movie...cause it wasnt playing there...Colorado is a street is Pasadena, yo! Sheesh
July 15, 2006, 8:49 p.m. CST
Between pursue and peruse?
July 16, 2006, 12:20 a.m. CST
nothing really happens? they just walk into situations
July 17, 2006, 3:04 a.m. CST
July 17, 2006, 10:03 a.m. CST
I just need a little 3-part harmony from Kage and Jack and I'm good.
July 17, 2006, 10:31 a.m. CST
this is gonna be great!
July 18, 2006, 8:13 a.m. CST
by 'Cholera's Ghost
that he learned in the school called the school of hard knocks." And that is why he and KG are classically trained...to ROCK YOUR FUCKING SOCKS OFF!!!
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