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Alexandra DuPont Un-Retires To Appraise PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 2!!

I am – Hercules!!

Ms. Alexandra DuPont has unexpectedly un-retired - again - to share her thoughts on the new adventures of Capt. Jack Sparrow, et al. As you read, it it might help to keep in mind the high adventure that categorizes Lexy’s own life.

The first time I met her she was a skinny punk pixie in a black miniskirt with maybe nine ounces of mascara under her giant Winona Ryder eyes. We were at a videogame expo in downtown Los Angeles, and she introduced herself by literally pushing me out the revolving doors to the valet area so she could talk about movies and smoke cigarettes. Her parents, she said, moved around a lot and she grew up without a TV and was just starting to devour Keaton and Kurosawa and Kubrick. She was in the middle of asking the last of maybe three dozen questions about “Killer’s Kiss” when she looked at her watch and changed the subject to passports and luggage restrictions and how her travel schedule was fucking with something about a doctoral candidacy.

The best news was the vixenish Lexy had only weeks earlier dumped her longtime boyfriend, a high-school baseball star turned part-time West Hollywood bartender who at that time had just landed on a short list for the male lead in an (ultimately failed) WB pilot. The bad news was she herself was about to hop a plane to Antwerp with her mom (who herself looked like a movie star and spoke maybe nine languages and had just quit the U.S. diplomatic corps to join the board of a very famous pharmaceutical manufacturer). A few minutes after Lexy's cab sped away, I was politely informed that young Alexandra DuPont was still months shy of her 15th birthday. "Ah," I replied, not at all wistfully.

The second time I saw Lexy she was drunk and half-naked beside her beautiful, drunk, half-naked lesbian girlfriend and maybe six other drunk, beautiful half-naked lesbian girlfriends at a party in Malibu, capably and repeatedly hammering away at The Rolling Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” on somebody else’s vintage electric piano. It was almost three years later, she had grown something like nine inches taller and her face was about five weeks from finding its way onto the cover of Teen Vogue for the third time. When she finally got around to handing me her business card in the parking lot, it read “Dr. Alexandra DuPont,” thanks, I’ve since been told, to some extraordinarily helpful coherent light experiments she’d helped brainstorm in La Jolla for the Human Genome Project.

Lexy turns 25 in two months, which means she finally gains access to the bulk of what appears to be the planet’s 17th-largest trust fund. Her divorce, from a freshman U.S. senator she claims she’s spoken to exactly once since his term began, became final 11 weeks ago. She says the last thing she wants to do before she claims her massive inheritance is head down to San Diego Comic Con next month, slip into a Princess Leia slave-girl outfit, “and meet me some really nerdy nerds.”

A few minutes ago Lexy began to lose her signal as her signature black El Dorado convertible rocketed into some prehistoric patch of Everglades dead zone. “MAKE SURE THEY KNOW ABOUT THE SPOILERS, BITCH!” was the last thing she screamed into her dying cell. “GIANT!! SPOILERS! DO NOT!! FORGET!!”

You’ve been warned. Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Alexandra DuPont:

Why I Kind of Hated
"POTC: Dead Man's Chest":

By Alexandra DuPont

Q. Uh, didn't you retire last year, slattern?

A. Yes. Consider this my postcard from Florida. Now. Is it just me, or is this basically the lamest, most inconsequential big-ticket-summer-movie season, like, ever?

Let's run down the list. Feel free to disagree.

1. "Superman Returns"? Handsome, reverent, well-acted, packed with ideas -- and a total failure at stirring my blood because of its too-languid, mopey museum-piece pacing. I believe a man can fly, but I also believe he can spend two-and-a-half hours moving around large chunks of real estate. Where was the joy? The wit?

2. I actually dared to enjoy "X-Men: The Last Kill-Off" as a big, stupid action spectacle with one great moral dilemma in its half-baked premise, I guess, but it had none of the sharp dialogue or dorky/sad LiveJournal poetry of the first two films -- and it gets more illogical and insulting the more I think about it.

3. I really liked "M:I:3" -- I thought it was lean and tense and goofy, and Tom Xenu Cruise remains my favorite underrated batshit-insane leading man -- but it also slipped right out of my brain, and even I have to admit in retrospect that it had a faint TV odor to it. (Not really an insult these days. But still.)

4. I love me some Pixar, but try as I might, I just could never get all that excited about "Chevron Cars: The Movie." (What does it tell me when "Over the Hedge" ends up being more fun?)

5. I admired "The Break-Up"'s ambition to take a relationship comedy to the dark places you never see in Hollywood movies -- but smuggling trenchant commentary on love into your comedy and smacking me about the face and neck with said commentary are two different things. And "40-Year-Old Virgin" went to most of the same dark places, but was funny about it. ("Break-Up" did make me want to see another Favs/Vaughn comedy pronto, though. And Vaughn's already got Tony Stark's drunk-bloat, so a girl can dream…)

6. What else? "Nacho Libre" turned out to be a Stay-Puft Marshmallow Fart Joke. "The Da Vinci Code" was, bar none, one of the most ineptly over-expository Hollywood movies I've ever seen, ever -- not to mention yet another film in which the hero does not act, but is instead acted upon. "RV" made me fear for the once-great Barry Sonnenfeld's will to live. "Click" made me miss anarchic-rageaholic Sandler. (Seriously: "Billy Madison" and "Happy Gilmore" are little absurdist masterpieces. They are.) And what's left? "The Devil Adapts Shitty Chick-Lit"? "The Fast and the Furious: Controlled Skid?"

(You know, a decade ago, "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" would have been a big-ticket Hollywood buddy comedy. I've never seen it with an audience that didn't collapse with laughter watching it. Now it's tossed out in limited release like James L. Brooks' stuff is nowadays. What. In. Blazes.)

However. I've sort of bit my tongue, stayed retired, contented myself with smaller movies like "The Puffy Chair" and, I don't know, whatever's funny on You Tube, and bided my time -- because, like all of you, I was expecting "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" to totally save my summer.

Q. Oh, so we're finally getting to the review portion of our review, are we?

A. Yes. And please allow me to offer what will likely be a contrarian opinion in these quarters.

I didn't like "Dead Man's Chest."

Quite a lot, actually.

It's not that it's badly made. This isn't a "Matrix Reloaded" slap-in-the-face or anything. It's certainly diverting, and the directing, acting, tone, pacing, and eye for detail are very much of a piece with "Curse of the Black Pearl" -- and if you showed me any individual scene from the sequel, free of its larger story-context, I'd be absolutely blown away. (Imagine being shown only the car chase from "Reloaded." You'd assume it was the climax of a James Cameron fever dream.)

I'll also say right now that I'm not surprised that a lot of people are having fun with it. I expect it to make scads of cash. Scads.

But my problem is with the story. Specifically, with the beyond-aimless, vaguely nonsensical plotting. You see, this time around, all the gorgeously staged mayhem and little character bits serve a story that's pointless and overblown - and half-told - and the movie's full of moments where bits of operatic mega-drama are surrounded by so much freneticicsm, they get plowed under and cease to be important.

Q. "Half-told"? Oh, God -- they went all "Matrix"-sequel on us?

A. I'm afraid so. (Though with far less undergrad wanksposition.) This is, quite literally, half a movie. It ends on a cliffhanger, with a Special Surprise Guest Star walking out of the shadows, and you're expected to gasp and line up for "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" next fall to find out the point of it all.

Which is fine. But "Dead Man's Chest" only sort of explains where we're going with this two-film story -- and God help me, it didn't particularly compel me to care. Which makes it nearly as unsatisfying as "Matrix Reloaded" (though not nearly as problematic on a scene-by-scene, line-by-line basis).

Q. Huh. What's the story?

A. Some bland, Tom-Hulce-in-"Amadeus"-looking fool who runs the East India Trading Company walks into the governor's office on that island where Elizabeth and Will live, busts up their wedding, arrests our heroes, takes power, and sends everyone off to get Jack Sparrow's magic compass -- because this new guy I don't care about wants to use it to find something.

That something turns out to be the heart of Davy Jones. ("Dead Man's Chest" having a double meaning, apparently.) We're told later, in a throwaway line or two, that possessing Davy Jones' heart -- which is buried on an island, locked in a trunk with some random papers that no one bothers to read -- allows you to "control the sea."

Q. Well, that sounds fine, in a Lost Ark sort of way.

A. Oh, sure. Except that:

(a) It really makes no sense. Davy Jones ripped out his heart and buried it because he was heartbroken over a sea goddess or something, right? He runs a ship crewed by dead guys and can only set foot on land once a decade, right? Well, what the hell does that have to do with "controlling the sea"? Why can his barnacle-crusted chest-thumper be found and dug up so easily? Why, exactly, is Davy Jones still alive with his heart beating in a damn trunk in the middle of nowhere?

And (b) We never see anyone actually wield this much-sought-after Jones-heart power. We're just told that it exists, and that it's important.

Not fully explaining why your movie's MacGuffin matters is a weird omission, and it's especially weird here -- because in every other respect, "Dead Man's Chest" just piles on relentlessly. It's never content to do anything just once. Kraken attack? Great idea. Let's have three of 'em! High-stakes dice game with Davy Jones? Sure! Nutty voodoo priestess? Why not. Three-way swordfight? Ghostly reunions? Men with barnacles overtaking their bodies? Sword-fight on a falling-down church? Crazy natives? Cool face-painting? Fistfights in Tortuga? Undead monkeys? Jack Sparrow blasting his way out of a floating coffin? Rolling down hills in cages and waterwheels? "20,000 Leagues" references? Suspension bridges? Treasure hunts? Running around? Lovecraftian pirate ship with three-barreled Gatlin-cannon? Blimey!

But, again, it's all crammed into the story kitchen-sink style -- and that story, for my money, is totally underwhelming. Which means "Dead Man's Chest" has that weird problem movies have when they're overstuffed with gorgeous spectacle but serve no particular narrative: It kicks fanny at the time, but you just feel kind of numb when it's over. And stuff that should have been dramatically important gets plowed under by the unrelenting "stimulation."

As I said, there are at least three Kraken attacks when one would have hit harder. (I really noticed how I was feeling about the movie during the last of those attacks -- when I caught myself thinking, "Huh. Lot of tentacles. Great digital doubles. Some fine specularity there.") Everyone is always commuting somewhere. There are endless reversals within reversals that have people constantly running back and forth. The movie is stimulating without being dramatic. Nothing is properly contextualized.

As my little brother Max put it to me afterward: "Everyone was just given little tasks to do, and those tasks felt unrelated to each other, and I still don't know why."

Q. I don't believe you! Give me an example of "stimulation" killing "drama"!

A. Well, here's a small one: Will reunites with his father, Bootstrap Bill, on Davy Jones' Flying Dutchman. In short order, Bill (nicely underplayed by Stellan Skarsgard) is forced to whip Will, then gambles away his immortal soul to save his son during that high-stakes dice game. Sounds cool, right? Well, I'd be shocked if all this took up eight minutes of screen time -- and I'm actually struggling to remember the details because it was drowned in noisy fish-men antics and cross-cutting and fog- and seaweed-choked production design. (It also would have been nice if the rules of that dice game had been clearly explained.)

In "Curse of the Black Pearl," the first thing you see is that damned piece of Inca gold. It's tied to a curse. Everyone wants it because their hides are on the line. It all makes sense. There's a narrative drive train. Here, I got to the (abrupt) funereal ending (which features a bunch of voodoo people standing around half-submerged with candles in a swamp for no reason, except maybe to be devoured by leeches and contract malaria, or maybe because it's in the Disneyland ride, or something) -- and I still have no idea what the point of possessing Davy Jones' heart is going to be, or how it will be implemented, or even whether Davy Jones can be killed or not.

Even worse, I don't really care. I seriously can totally wait for the third movie. And I loved "Curse of the Black Pearl." (I'm no Harcourt Fenton Knowles-level swashbuckling scholar, mind, but I adore the genre, especially "The Crimson Pirate," and I loved all the specific scene-checks of that Burt Lancaster/Nick Cravat classic in "Black Pearl.")

Q. But Johnny Depp is at least awesome. Right?

A. Tonally, he perfectly continues the performance. Carries the movie, really. But he's way more of a dick this time, and he's given almost nothing truly interesting to say. His lines have Jack's original rhythm, but not nearly the bite. (People in my packed preview audience genuinely laughed like twice, maybe three times, at his antics?) He has three memorable lines: an "undead monkey"-as barter line, a request that Elizabeth join him naked in his cabin, and a crack about enjoying the sound of do-gooder opportunities as they whiz by -- and that last one's stolen from Douglas Adams. I literally remember nothing else Jack Sparrow said, and everyone walked out of the first film doing impressions of him.

Q. Is there a post-credits joke?

A. There is. It's totally lame and sort of racist. (You'd have to see the movie to get this, but basically a pack of natives are worshipping the dog who was holding the keys in the first film. Long story. He's sitting on a throne with a leg-bone in his mouth. Seriously.)

Q. Well, you're like almost literally the only writer on the Internet playa-hatin' this movie other than that crank Jeffrey Wells!

A. Hey, I can see people enjoying this. Maybe most people. The special effects are the best I've ever seen, bar none. (Davy Jones' face is all-CG, apparently, and it's one of those seamless achievements where you can practically hear the industry paradigm cracking wide open while you watch.) Moments, taken individually, are awesome. There are a surprising number of scene-checks of "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom," which I personally enjoyed. The look and feel and acting are in keeping with the first one, if not the writing and plotting, and young viewers will certainly say, "That was cool" between trouser-soilings.

But I'd argue that unless "World's End" somehow blows my socks off (and I'll bet it doesn't -- see below), this is going to age really badly in people's minds -- and anyone who felt burned by the "Matrix" sequels is going to be actively pissed off by the ending here. (The Internet is going to be blazing with the keywords "Matrix Reloaded" in discussions about this movie. Mark my words. A small but loud subsection of geekdom is going to be fucking raging.)

Q. Well, you've only seen half of a two-part story, bitch! How do you know it won't pay off so well that "Dead Man's Chest" is completely, retroactively justified?

A. Well, of course I could be proven wrong. But it looks like a catastrophic event from "Dead Man's Chest" will have to be quickly undone in "World's End" -- like, on the level of putting the ending to "Star Trek III" at the beginning of "Star Trek III," really -- and it looks like Part 3 will wallow in the same half-assed supernatural horse-sludge I thought mired "Dead Man's Chest."

Let me put it this way: Remember how skeleton pirates were weird and scary in the first movie? How no one had encountered them before? How the English redcoats had no idea why they couldn't kill these pirates? Well, in both sequels, everyone is just kind of shrugging as they behold tons of supernatural nonsense. I mean, really: The head of the East India Trading Company truly believes his business will be helped by a damned magical disembodied heart. In the first film, there was the tension of discovering that there were indestructible zombie pirates (and wouldn't building on that tension between English rationalism and pirate magic be thematically interesting?). Here, they're just lathering us with magic wall-to-wall. In the process, all magic is lost.

A friend of mine mused the other day via e-mail: "I'm not entirely sure why folks who film back-to-back sequels try to create one long flick that gets split down the middle, rather than just knocking out two individual films. I imagine that if 'Temple of Doom' and 'Last Crusade' had been made today in one fell swoop, 'Doom' would've ended on a cliffhanger -- with Indy falling into the rope-bridge gorge and a post-credits stinger revealing Mola Ram to be Indy's father (Sean Connery in Hindi gear) drinking blood from the Holy Grail." It's so true. When was the last time that one-story/two-films plan truly worked -- in "Empire"/"Jedi"? In Richard Lester's first two "Musketeers" movies? (And each of those had an ending!)

I really do think people are going to be booing the abrupt ending in "Dead Man's Chest." (I've heard rumors of drinks and popcorn-throwing during testing. Well, I read it on Page Six.) The problem with making people wait a year for your real ending is that you put that much more pressure on the payoff. You need to be blowing up the Death Star, killing the Emperor and resolving your daddy issues while becoming a mystical knight, you know? But I'll bet dimes to ducats that "World's End" will feature (SPOILER ALERT) our heroes sailing off a magic waterfall into Purgatory almost immediately, that voodoo lady who sounds like she walked out of "Beloved" hangin' with the crew yammerin' on, Norrington barely batting an eye as he hangs with a guy with a squid for a face, and crazy Chinese pirates led by Chow Yun-Fat telling Elizabeth she's a reincarnated sea goddess.

But hey. I'm sure the sea battles and endless running around and quadruple-crosses will be crazy huge.

I'm being too harsh, probably. But boy howdy, I'll bet I speak for a very vocal minority in a week or so. Hope I'm wrong.

Warmest, Alexandra DuPont.

Arm yourself to attack my critical judgment! It's easy and fun! Visit The DuPont Bibliography!

Readers Talkback
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  • June 29, 2006, 10:59 p.m. CST


    by Tacodave

    I like Dupont's reviews, but I'm still excited about this movie... Anyone else?

  • June 29, 2006, 11:08 p.m. CST

    Although the review

    by litzapalooza

    is a little difficult to get through, I will give Miss DuPont that summer Blows, moviewise. I can't remember the last time July rolled around, and I hadn't added any new movies to my DVD wishlist yet. Please let Scanner Darkly be a sleeper hit.

  • June 29, 2006, 11:08 p.m. CST


    by martinqblink

    that was ponderous, that chick loves to watch herself write. Zzzzzzzz...

  • June 29, 2006, 11:10 p.m. CST

    This woman has had more comebacks than Hulk Hogan.

    by Vim Fuego

    At least she liked Happy Gilmore.

  • June 29, 2006, 11:10 p.m. CST

    Now I'm a little worried.

    by jollysleeve

    I too find it bothersome that parts 2 and 3 in trilogies always seem to be one long continuous cliff-hanger, while the part ones are usually tight compact self-resolving gems. Of course there is probably a logical reason for this. It's always a small surprise when a movie is successful enough to warrant a sequel. And in this age of "go-for-broke," studios are more apt to film two sequels at a time, rather than just one, to make a full "trilogy." The interconnected 2nd and 3rd movies with no clear or satisfying dilineation between them means that either: 1) They didn't have enough ideas/creativity to come up with two new, original, mostly independent stories. Or 2) By linking the last two movies they are trying to create the illusion that the whole trilogy is one cohesive story, when it's obviously just one gem with two inferior hangers-on that happen to exist in the same universe, clinging to that gem like barnacles. Back to the Future. The Matrix. Now Pirates......... Of course I'm still looking forward to Dead Man's Chest. This and Monster House are really the only two summer movies I'm actually excited about.

  • June 29, 2006, 11:14 p.m. CST


    by seppukudkurosawa

    You ain't fooling anyone with your sultry geekess act "sista", because it's plain to everyone here that you've got testosterone running through those glands. That's right, the gorgeous Ms. Alexandra Dupont is actually a gorgeous guy. ;-) I loved the review, but I almost wish I hadn't read it because I know that it'll be the last of its kind for another two or three years. I used to read your DVD Journal reviews all the time (my personal fave is your take on Buckaroo Banzai), but I don't go there anymore. You know why? It's because of a distinct lack of Dupontage. Please slip out a few more reviews like this, if only for me!

  • June 29, 2006, 11:17 p.m. CST

    Thank you, now I want to make fuck with her.

    by DOGSOUP

    But from the way you describe it, America itself wants to make fuck with Alexabdra DuPont. I'd go to San Diego just for that.

  • June 29, 2006, 11:20 p.m. CST

    Get off The Rag, Then Review The Movie Please...

    by The Ender

    This Bitch sounds like the bleeding never stopped. Jesus God Damn Christ, what a whiny brat of a review. Gee a cliff hanger ending in the middle of a trilogy? Who would not expect that numb nuts? Obviously you need to leave the audience wanting more so you can have the TRILOGy finish itself in the THIRD Film......Shit, I didn't even like the first movie THAT much, and am Still looking forward to this. And nice non spoiler warnings for a lot of this shit put in there. Anyone reading the talkback first, Skip This Review. Its just some whiny ass 24/7 on the rag wanna be funny but I miss the mark like Dane Cook, Cunt of a reviewer spoiling the movie and making me understand why guys go gay....

  • June 29, 2006, 11:23 p.m. CST

    wish she'd review more often

    by Silver Shamrock

    I shift from angst to enjoyment and back again with every paragraph. Her style is irritating and overwrought, but I can't stop reading it.

  • June 29, 2006, 11:26 p.m. CST

    and I thought davy jones was in the monkees?

    by Silver Shamrock

    folks going after his heart is a disturbing image.

  • June 29, 2006, 11:28 p.m. CST

    Jeez, The Ender...

    by The Guy Who Nods

    Taking this a little personally aren't we? You're not Jerry Bruckheimer are you?

  • June 29, 2006, 11:40 p.m. CST

    Women don't like pirates.

    by zerogundamx


  • June 29, 2006, 11:41 p.m. CST

    Seriously, Ender

    by Playhouse

    Who pissed in your Corn Flakes?

  • June 29, 2006, 11:44 p.m. CST

    Geez, kind of a weird review there . . .

    by lavaboat

    See, what we have here folks is one of those analytically feckless reviews that is in fact really written for other film reviewers and not regular filmgoers who seek escape. Good Lord, what a load that was. Insipid drivel disguised as layered observation. Geez.

  • June 29, 2006, 11:46 p.m. CST

    Stay retired bitch

    by Bob of the Shire

    WAH-ZING! Anyway....what a pretentous whore. It's like an elitist Talkbacker tricked Herc into printing their review. I'm no Pirates fan, but jesus, she's twice as pretentous as I remember.

  • June 29, 2006, 11:51 p.m. CST

    Ah yer ken all jump into the ocean and feed the sharks

    by seppukudkurosawa

    with your soft, buttery flesh, because Ms. Dupont does indeed rule. Your peeved responses remind me of the kind of reception Vern was getting a couple of years ago...and now you've read a few more of his reviews you all love him. Well you damn n00bs who've never been exposed to the likes of Ms. Dupont's genius before and have yet to wrap your minds around it remind me of the kind of people who wanted to lynch that ancient dead dude for saying the world was round.

  • June 30, 2006, midnight CST

    Marry Me.

    by filmcans

    I'm single, Ms. DuPont.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:12 a.m. CST

    Review the estate tax repeal

    by BrandLoyalist

    If that's all true that is

  • June 30, 2006, 12:20 a.m. CST

    Yeah I Was Pretty Harsh...

    by The Ender

    Sorry to sound so terrible. But this reviewer comes off to me as just another pretentious cunt (who actually markets herself as being a hot movie reviewer, LOL you're only about a 6.5 lady....and that's 1-10 scale). For her, everything has to come off as scathing wit or she just cant live with herself. Jesus christ she writes a fucking Lord of The Rings Size garble of bullshit for a fucking 2 hour movie. No I dont like Cornflakes, and Yes I am Jerry Bruckheimer. See my movie Bitches, its the Jam Ownage.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:20 a.m. CST

    Herc made the mistake of saying she was pretty

    by BankyFan

    The nerds got nervous. Well written review, but a little disheartening.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:27 a.m. CST

    The Ender, I think my favorite part...

    by Alexandra.DuPont

    ... is when you apologize for being "pretty harsh" and then immediately call me "another pretentious cunt" in your next sentence. That is sublimely awesome. GOD I missed TalkBack.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:29 a.m. CST

    I know, wasn't that awesome?

    by The Ender

    And Call Me Jerry Sugar Plum...

  • June 30, 2006, 12:30 a.m. CST

    It's simple. I'll say this slowly...

    by CerebralAssassin

    ...Stabbing Davy Jones' heart is the only way to kill him. If you have his heart you can force him to do your bidding. In other words, if you have his heart you can control the sea ("I *am* the sea" he says). If you have his heart you control the Kraken. Jack wants the heart to force Jones to forfeit his debt. Orlando wants the heart to save his father. Lord Beckett wants the heart to destroy the pirates attacking the East India Co. Not too difficult to understand now, is it? Oh, and the cliffhanger is brilliant, a total doozy out of left field which the audience I saw it with LOVED. If you honestly think people don't like that kind of shit you're a bad judge of taste.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:35 a.m. CST


    by blackwood

    Alex is a bitch. Great review - too bad I could only read snatches because I was trying to avoid the ruining. Keep sending postcards, lovey.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:37 a.m. CST


    by Alexandra.DuPont

    ... If only the movie laid out the case that clearly. ****SPOILER**** I'd still counter that a movie where people race around to get a disembodied heart -- only to have nothing happen beyond everyone passing it around amongst each other -- is less-than-stellar drama. It's like "Raiders" without the Ark-opening scne. (Seriously, what do they do with that heart beyond putting it in a sack and fretting about it?) But, again, as I said, mine may be the minority view.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:40 a.m. CST

    After all the buildup...

    by Bob Toddler

    What do you wanna bet that this DuPont girl is fatter than the day is long?

  • June 30, 2006, 12:42 a.m. CST

    The only this fat about the girl who wrote that review

    by blackwood

    is her vocabulary. And I'm not trying to be skeevie - I'm a fag, and the fag is the bitch's handbag.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:44 a.m. CST

    Great, Great Review

    by The Thinker

    As you can see, Alexandra, alot of these guys are jealous morons. I love reviews that, even if you don't give a shit about the movie being reviewed, the personality and shape of the review is still interesting and entertaining. I wish you'd send more stuff to this site.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:48 a.m. CST

    Half the stuff she says is bad sounds awesome

    by zikade zarathos

    That gigantic description of all the crazy cool stuff that happens has me DYING to see this now ("Ghostly reunions? Men with barnacles overtaking their bodies? Sword-fight on a falling-down church? Crazy natives? Cool face-painting? Fistfights in Tortuga?...") Thanks!

  • June 30, 2006, 12:51 a.m. CST

    CerebralAssassin, thank you.

    by ZeroC

    I love how you manage to completely invalidate Alexandra's novel-length review in 200 words or less.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:53 a.m. CST

    Why are you so obsessed with the heart?

    by CerebralAssassin

    It's the story McGuffin. The heart itself doesn't even show up until the eighth reel. Honestly, it's not that important to the plot. It's the chest and key that everyone's running around trying to get. The heart is ancillary. I'm sure your ark-opening-scene (heart-opening-scene?) will be in part 3. Can you wait a year?

  • June 30, 2006, 12:57 a.m. CST

    Bob Toddler...

    by Ronald Raygun

    I don't think Ms.Dupont is fat. If I know my fat girls, they loves them some Johnny Depp, and this review would've been more positive simply by association. Or maybe she really is a lesbian. In any case, if you are fat Ms.Dupont, please lose some weight so I don't look stupid trying to defend you, you fat bitch.

  • June 30, 2006, 1 a.m. CST


    by The Thinker

    Hey Ender, quit being such an insecure faggot. We're all laughing at you.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:06 a.m. CST

    My God, worshipping a dog is racist?

    by an00bis, suckers

    ...and here I thought they were just ripping of Return of the Jedi.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:06 a.m. CST

    "it's not that important to the plot"

    by Alexandra.DuPont

    Ah, but my point is that there was so MUCH "plot" that I kind of stopped caring after a while. ****SPOILER**** People just ran to and fro on urgent little errands, and what it all added up to (the posession of Davy Jones' ticker, via the key and the chest and a few little semi-related side-errands) didn't really interest me all that much. Sounds like your audience was totally with it. Happy to hear it. Really.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:13 a.m. CST

    an00bis that was funny...

    by andrew coleman

    I still can't wait for this flick, she was right about this summer though. I mean I guess I'll wait till the end of July to really believe this but so far it has been horrible movie wise. Like another post mentioned I might get Superman Returns on dvd if it's on sale maybe. That's it though, usually I'm a dvd whore and buy a lot but one movie out of the summer so far I think I'd like to watch again wow. All the rest are horrible comedies or animated films I'll only watch once. Yikes! And X3 was one of the worst movies I've ever seen! Can't wait for 07.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:14 a.m. CST

    Hey Thinker

    by The Ender

    When you finish yourself off over Dupont, dont cry this time. Just try to relax, breathe deeply, accept reality. Then finish off that gallon of Ice Cream and go back to the Guiding Light Marathon you fucking queef.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:31 a.m. CST

    Just for the record...

    by The Guy Who Nods

    Mori compares this one to Empire Strikes Back. Ms.Dupont compares it to Matrix Reloaded. What's the lukewarm comparison going to be? I dunno, The Two Towers?

  • June 30, 2006, 1:32 a.m. CST

    Well. Don't know what to say.

    by Doom II

    I think this movie will save the summer for me. Who am I kidding, I haven't seen shit this summer. I saw Art School Confidential and The Break Up. No MI3, no X3 and no Superman. What's my problem? I used to see EVERY summer movie on day 1. Oh yeah, I have a child and a wife now. And my wife doesn't like action films. That must be it. But she'll see Pirates because of Depp (of course).

  • June 30, 2006, 1:37 a.m. CST

    Yep. Now I'm worried. This woman is

    by superninja

    the perfect reviewer. Wow, she eviscerated this. Oh well, now I'm bummed. Thanks DuPont!

  • June 30, 2006, 1:40 a.m. CST

    I see what she means about all of the magic.

    by superninja

    Too much unexplained makes it sort of un-magical. If no one bats an eye, why should the viewer care? Also, the spoiler about Elizabeth sounds REE-DICULOUS. However, thinking of Chow Yun Fat as a pirate sounds hot.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:46 a.m. CST

    I've missed Ms. DuPont's reviews

    by Ribbons

    That was a fun read. Took the wind out of my sails a bit, but a fun read nonetheless.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:51 a.m. CST

    AICN needs more lesbians!!

    by DerLanghaarige

  • June 30, 2006, 1:53 a.m. CST

    "Why is he still alive with his heart ripped out?"

    by DerLanghaarige

    Uhm...why is he turning into a squidhead? I WANNA SEE POTC2!

  • June 30, 2006, 2:08 a.m. CST

    Great Review

    by hotbananasea

    enjoyed the hell out of this review. still, i'm hoping this movie wont be another overblown mess like X3 and superman returns. and also hoping a scanner darkly will end up as good as the trailer makes it out to be.

  • June 30, 2006, 2:30 a.m. CST

    Sorry Mr. BlueTights...

    by MrNelson

    You grossed $21,037,277 on opening day. POTC:DMC will do much much better.

  • June 30, 2006, 2:38 a.m. CST

    Just as bloated as the first

    by AlwaysThere

    Good God Almighty. Two complete and utter disappoitments in a row. First Supes Returns and now this. Yikes. Atleast Disney will be happy with the huge first week box office numbers.

  • June 30, 2006, 2:42 a.m. CST

    Why would she retire? I love her

    by Orionsangels

    and love from me is enough to keep that woman going

  • June 30, 2006, 2:42 a.m. CST

    Alex...Controlling the Sea...Huge Spoilers

    by Massawyrm 1

    Serious...if you skipped the spoilers in Alex's review, skip this now.***SPOILER*** It's a syllogism. They say "He who controls the heart controls Davy Jones." Davy Jones controls the Kraken. Thus he who controls the heart controls the Kraken. Now, what would an evil Merchant Sea Trader do with a giant ship sinking monster? HOLY CRAP! He's gonna sink every non-East India Trading Company ship...thuis have...GASP Total Control of the sea. That's what that means.

  • June 30, 2006, 2:49 a.m. CST


    by Orionsangels

    old overweight busters. what a joke and you know there's no chance in HELL they're gonna get bill murray

  • June 30, 2006, 2:56 a.m. CST


    by CapmanThefrench

    I was so depressed by this movie it's amazing i was going to write a review for the first time and then i so yours which pretty much summarize everything i thought... so thanks... I bet EVERYBODY will be very disappointed except for harry that i can't reaaly understand... You've got the feeling to see some kind of a scary movie, a downfall of sequences some time funny some time not but which, in the whole, make nonsense whatsoever... SO disappointing... and with what they do at the end of this movie, one can reallly wonder how the third one is going to be at least a little funny for a huge part of the beginning. sniff sniff sniff.

  • June 30, 2006, 2:59 a.m. CST

    double standards

    by happygolucky

    So the M:I3 rabbits ear is an ok mcguffin, but the heart of Davie Jones is not?

  • June 30, 2006, 3:04 a.m. CST

    DuPont! How long!

    by CuervoJones

  • June 30, 2006, 3:14 a.m. CST


    by Don Lockwood

    Here's what I don't understand. If you're so proud of your opinion, particularly if I'm supposed to take your opinion about something as subjective as film (or tv, i'll get to it), why the fake name? Harry is Harry. Everyone knows who Mori is. Hell, even the comic books geeks are out in the open and coming out more each week. So, Alexandra Dupont, why the hell should I trust your opinion? Hercules the Strong, 14-year-old-girl or not, what gives?

  • June 30, 2006, 3:46 a.m. CST

    Please, no more links to ugly girls pics

    by CuervoJones

  • June 30, 2006, 3:56 a.m. CST

    ...and your point is?

    by simongarth2001

    When was the last time you saw a really, kick as, perfect summer film? When was the last time ANYBODY saw a perfect summer film? Do they even exist? Just eat your popcorn, and enjoy the octopuss people mooovie. heee heee.....I just kind of said "puss".

  • June 30, 2006, 4:16 a.m. CST

    I just love reading reviews

    by AwesomeBillFunk

    Written by people who are smarter, better looking, funnier and wealthier then me. Excuse me while I go die. Hope my death won't inconvenience anyone. I'll try do it in a corner or something.

  • June 30, 2006, 4:17 a.m. CST

    Ghostbusters 3 confirmed because of imdb?

    by DerLanghaarige

    You mean the webpage that told us that Uwe Boll is directing Halo and that Evil Dead 4 will come out in 2005!?

  • June 30, 2006, 4:26 a.m. CST

    You think you're so much better then me don't ya Alex?

    by AwesomeBillFunk

    Being a millionaire lesbian supermodel with a doctorate and a MILF mum like some sort of up herself schmuck. Well that doesn't make you better then me. I mean sure in most discernable ways it does, but not in the ways that count Alexandria. No my lass, not in the ways it counts. For instance, did you know i'm actually quite a talented singer? Bet you didn't did you? No Alexandria didn't quite get that one did we? Hmmm, not quite on the ball that time were we Alexandria? Well I am Alexandria, I am. Better then you could ever dream. I make the birds weep at their inadequacy. So fuck you Alexandria. You may have your looks and money and human genome project but you'll never have my signing talent. So fuck you. ps I made that stuff up about me being a singer to feel better about myself.

  • June 30, 2006, 4:47 a.m. CST



    wrote a song about you, its called "Cold Hard Bitch", but take it as a compliment. great review; fuck this movie. Hey people, this movie is based on a fucking ride at Disneyland!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!? yet all you tools are pissing on Superman Returns? Kai_Fagra and Chriss can go fuck themselves; Superman Returns is the better movie by far.

  • June 30, 2006, 5:10 a.m. CST

    Pointless review, badly written

    by Teamwak

    Bugger off.

  • June 30, 2006, 5:30 a.m. CST


    by Stollentroll

    Great introduction! Far better than this disturbing review. And the fact that they worship the dog makes me wanna see this movie even more.

  • June 30, 2006, 5:55 a.m. CST

    Thanks for stretching the *&@*# talkback, The Ender

    by zencat

    I'm not interested in the ax you're grinding, the picture of your &*#@&#@* fiance, or your lack of basic posting skills. As for the review ... always happy to see a good writer write. On the other hand, the self-conscious celebrification of Alexandra DuPont, with its breathlessly queasy/aroused adumbration of lesbianism, auteurist snobbery, and big inheritances in the offing, is a little weird. Can't the AICN handlers just let her be ... herself? Why does she need the hype? Her writing is so good it speaks for itself. Harry & Co. are basically pimping her: hey, read a fantastic, sharp-witted review, then let the writer blow you in the back of a limo. Alexandra, you seem like an enlightened person: what do you think about the mythmaking this site does around you? Seriously?

  • June 30, 2006, 6:17 a.m. CST

    I can usually agree with DuPont

    by Razorback

    But the fact that she didn't like Superman makes me think she has lost her touch for the year.

  • June 30, 2006, 6:18 a.m. CST

    Who cares what she thinks, she's a chick

    by Trazadone

    It's like having your grandmother review a comic book.

  • June 30, 2006, 6:20 a.m. CST

    Trazadone's post reminds me

    by zencat

    that it's impossible to have a reasonable discussion about gender on this website.

  • June 30, 2006, 6:27 a.m. CST

    I'm Just Glad

    by aerostarmonk

    To see a dissenting review of this movie on the Internet. However it is really spoiler-heavy. I'll probably still enjoy this film, but the hype on it is ridiculous, I was really hoping someone out there would give a counter-review to all the good ones, and here it is. Thank you, Ms. DuPont

  • June 30, 2006, 6:54 a.m. CST

    But did she see it with her lesbian filmmaker friends?

    by Zarles

    That's what I really want to know. Ok, not really. What I ACTUALLY want to know is when this slag is gonna hang it up for good and go back to kneeling in the alley behind 7-11 for pocket change. It's been a while, and man, I got a pocketful of pennies with her name written all over it.

  • June 30, 2006, 8:07 a.m. CST

    I wonder why she retired?

    by OswaldWasAPussy

    Maybe it's because reviewing films, even ones you sack-polishing queens like, is an exercise in masochism. If you don't like her reviews, fine. At least acknowledge her witty turns of phrase. Just call me another guy praying Herc didn't lie about all her bio.

  • June 30, 2006, 8:09 a.m. CST

    The first one was shit.

    by Mosquito March

    It was CUTTHROAT ISLAND with ghosts. Why should this one be any different?

  • June 30, 2006, 8:11 a.m. CST

    Great review...

    by brycemonkey

    Sorry to hear some of the mono-brows don't like to read. I hope you keep on 'un-retiring' whatever that is. Colour me slightly worried now, will there be no good movies this year? Will Crash win Best Picture AGAIN?!?! Oh, and please give more details about the lesbo romps...

  • June 30, 2006, 8:12 a.m. CST

    It's a FUN movie!

    by deda719

    I think that's what people keep forgetting. This is a fun summer movie. I saw it two days ago and I was literally grinning the entire time. But what it comes down to is this is a movie about pirates. There's action, adventure, romance, thrills... and certainly a better appearance by the Kraken than in Clash of The Titans (hah). The plot is there, and sure, there's no heavy exposition detailing everything about the heart, it is in throwaway lines throughout the story, but if you're just enjoying the movie and all the elements that make Pirates great, you'll absorb the plot, because really? It's not that complicated. And yeah, I'm a huge pirate lover and I do enjoy me some Johnny Depp, but most of all I took this movie for what it is: a summer blockbuster. I haven't seen superman yet, but from what I hear, it's slow in places, which POTC2 never is. It's action packed the whole way through. This isn't meant to be Shakespeare, but it's just really enjoyable. Just go see it, and have fun with it, because when it comes down to it, this is a movie about pirates with supernatural elements. Do you really need it to make you think? Savvy? (Plus it's a hell of a lot better than X3: The Last Crap!)

  • June 30, 2006, 8:22 a.m. CST

    Hey Hey, we're the undead monkeys

    by durhay

    and people say we monkey around.

  • June 30, 2006, 8:41 a.m. CST

    Dear God

    by Drewchem08

    I'm excited about Pirates and just wanted to read a review. That was a tedious read. I didn't finish it. Between Hercs salad tossing of this girl and her too cool for school & you attitude, ponderous man fucking ponderous. Please retire again. I would rather watch Harry being continually raped by Nacho Libre than ever see her name again on this website.

  • June 30, 2006, 8:53 a.m. CST

    by Luf

    So basically what Ms Dupont is saying is, that it is like the first movie only filled with more fun, action, effects and imagination, plus we get a working cliffhanger at the end. Undead monkey servants, cancel my ticket reservations!

  • June 30, 2006, 9:09 a.m. CST

    There's something missing

    by Mirrorball Man

    What did your "life partner" think about it?

  • June 30, 2006, 9:09 a.m. CST

    Hmmm, I don't like this

    by moviemaniac-7

    I DO like the review, mind you, but I hate the fact that big movies get cut in the middle and released seperately. It didn't work for me in Kill Bill, or The Matrix. It did work in LOTR, but that was a whole other ball game.

  • June 30, 2006, 9:21 a.m. CST

    Why bother with the bullshit biography?

    by Curious Jorge


  • June 30, 2006, 9:29 a.m. CST

    Aha! I knew it...

    by Blacket-Man

    Saw those one liners in the commercial and I knew that is all there was. I will skip this movie. It has been a cruel summer for movies, and all I have to say is thank god for HBO. Tell your god, there will be blood. What was another? I will deficate your corpse. St. Gabriel will resurect you out of a pigs ass.

  • June 30, 2006, 9:32 a.m. CST

    Awww Crap

    by Karnov

    Well Ms DuPont is taking a lot of heat, I suspect from a lot of folks that really need to love this film to salvage their summer. It

  • June 30, 2006, 9:40 a.m. CST


    by Karnov

    There needs to be a capacity to update posts on this board for those times that you realize you've written absolute gibberish. Sooo tired, need coffee... reposting a further attempt at coherance Well Ms DuPont is taking a lot of heat, I suspect from a lot of folks that really need to love this film to salvage their summer. It

  • June 30, 2006, 9:53 a.m. CST

    Why the bullshit biography? Because...

    by Tony Mike Hall

    Herc's hoping Lexy'll let him sniff her panties some day. When you don't have washboard abs, come-hither looks or a ton of cash (and you still live with your mom), you have to rely on your wit, of which, I have to admit, Herc has a fair amount. Now if he can just slip a roofie in her vodka Redbull one night, he might just get to second base.

  • June 30, 2006, 9:58 a.m. CST

    Is this a Misogynists'R'Us convention?

    by BiffBolt

    Seriously. I haven't seen so much bile and pathetic bullshit since, well, ever. I'd rather read Harry's puerile sex analogies - at least those are amusing in a pathetic way.

  • June 30, 2006, 10:10 a.m. CST

    Based on the shows she watches

    by Engineer_at_peac

    I think Herc is also a chick. And BiffBolt, you should know that the idea of a woman on the internet who isn't naked or on a webcam is a scary and frightening thought to internet males. And apparently every woman on the internet is also guilty of the crime of being an attention whore. Didn't you know that?

  • June 30, 2006, 10:11 a.m. CST

    What was Herc doing at a lesbian orgy, anyway?

    by Tookess

    Uh, hey, isn't Herc a girl? Way too many spoilers for me to read, but I've always enjoyed Ms. Dupont's writings, so I'll save this for next week. However, I fail to see how her curriculum vitae relates at all to a POTC2 review. Mission accomplished, Herc + Alexandra!: I now feel extremely inadequate and unworthy of both oxygen and love. Is that what you were going for? One day I shall send my giant killer robots after you, and when I do, I hope you'll recommend me for an honorary PhD in murderous robotics; if you want to live, that is.

  • June 30, 2006, 10:12 a.m. CST

    I feel emasculated just reading her name

    by young1

    ... wow, if all that I've read about this DuPont girl is true, then she'll be financing her run for presidency in 10 years while I'll be still trying to scrape together my mortgage payments. I'd probably vote for her though.

  • June 30, 2006, 10:12 a.m. CST

    Ms. Dupont does have established capital with AICN.

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    But I've always wondered if the name isn't a cover for someone else. Kind of like that Neil Cumpston guy who wrote those bat-shit crazy reviews. Everyone said that he was actually Patton Oswald. I have to admit that it's funny that Herc talks her up as a hottie. Any chance that she is not a big, fat hurting?

  • June 30, 2006, 10:16 a.m. CST

    Ah yes, I forgot rule #2

    by Engineer_at_peac

    Any woman on the internet who does not post a picture of themselves is automagically fat and ugly.

  • June 30, 2006, 10:20 a.m. CST


    by Eruethemar

    Movie Hype is such an interesting beast. Deep thought for the day: those of us who follow movies in their development and read advance review do so because we purportedly love the genre/medium/superfluous information; however, I've heard many recently claim that their entire summer movie schedule has been a dissapointment. Taken that many people who do not engage in the behavior mentioned above have obviously not felt this way... (movies are still grossing more money that I could ever know what to do with)... perhaps we'd enjoy movies more if our network of anticipation modulation was no more? Mind you, this is not some veiled insult, but a legitmate question. As for my thoughts on the intro/review: Totally ridiculous / obviously from someone whose vociferously applied vocabulary and level of panache far outstrip my own. I'm kidding... or *am* I? O_o Thank god her brain is only 1/3 the size of mine. Its science.

  • June 30, 2006, 10:23 a.m. CST

    So true, Engineer_at_peac, so true.

    by Tookess

  • June 30, 2006, 10:38 a.m. CST

    by cyberskunk

    Darn, too difficult to dodge spoilers in talkback; I'm going to have to avoid pirate talkbacks entirely from now on until I see the movie for myself.

  • June 30, 2006, 10:38 a.m. CST

    Great Review!

    by Nastywhacks

    Ms. Dupont, always enjoyed your writing and if you're at Comic-Con, keep an eye out for a network freelancer. A drink and an interview awaits if you wish. Keep writing!

  • June 30, 2006, 10:42 a.m. CST

    Skipped this 'cause of spoilers....

    by CellarDoor

    Seemed very negative though. Not that it matters, the POTC licence is utterly indestructible and will entertain a gajillion people.

  • June 30, 2006, 10:46 a.m. CST

    Rule #3

    by Engineer_at_peac

    Any girl on the internet who DOES post her picture will be viewed as follows. 25% of people will say she is pretty cute girl next door, 25% of people will say she is so hot, and %50 of people will say she is an ugly bitch. Regardless of actual physical appearance.

  • June 30, 2006, 10:51 a.m. CST


    by Trazadone

    You're on the wrong site if you want to have a "reasonable discussion on gender". Would you go to an automotive site to have a discussion on superheros? what the hell are you talking about?

  • June 30, 2006, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Lord Of The Rings did twice...

    by v1cious

    that didn't weem to bother anyone. anyways i'll hold my opinion til i actually see it.

  • June 30, 2006, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Mr. Nice Gaius

    by DirtyRatBastard

    People were saying that Neil Cumpston was Patton Oswalt because he WAS. This is the well-kept secret that wasn't so well-kept, so in the end, this is why you see no more Neil Cumpston reviews, among other reasons. I was once told, and I won't say by who, but that the moment the Oswalt cat was let out of the bag, the reviews would stop...and guess what? They have. I love how I have been banned from all the higher forms of AICN media (Chat, Zone) because now I really get to see what it is like wallowing with the talkback crowd, which was, in a way, the satire behind the whole Neil Cumpston thing...

  • June 30, 2006, 11:18 a.m. CST

    Ghostbusters is NOT confirmed....

    by misnomer

    as much as I'd love to see it, and the demand is there...this whole thing has been a mix up when an old ramis interview was re-posted as new is not a reliable source until a movie is in the can pretty much....damn got my hopes up for nothin.... :/

  • June 30, 2006, 11:30 a.m. CST

    AwesomeBillFunk..."Smarter,better looking funnier.."

    by Doom II

    Says who? We are TOLD this girl is hot, yet get a drawing of her. She is wealthy from family money? Great. So she never had to do any real work in her life. That builds character for sure. She's a lesbian as well. Daddy or uncle issues maybe? I really don't drool over some fictional online girl who is bulit up to be "perfect". She's a hot rich lesbian doctor that likes orgies and Star Wars! Sounds like a character written by Kevin Smith. Let me guess, she loves video games as well? Yeah, right. Oh yeah, I don't trust this review too much.

  • June 30, 2006, 11:32 a.m. CST

    So this movie's plot is convoluted?

    by Mechasheeva

    So was the first one's. And it also included lots of running around, back and forth, etc. Hell, I'm STILL not sure exactly why it had to be Bootstrap's blood that would break the curse in Black Pearl, but I still love the fucking movie.

  • June 30, 2006, 11:48 a.m. CST


    by Mr Nice Gaius

    Thanks for confirming. Indeed, I thought I had heard that Neil and Patton were one in the same - now I've got another source. Consequently, I have my suspicions about Ms. Dupont. -- What on Earth could have possible done to get banned from The Zone? What was your handle there? The Zone is kind of wimpy...lacks the anonymity, spontaneity, and vitriol found in TalkBack. So, don't be too ashamed to "wallow".

  • June 30, 2006, 11:49 a.m. CST

    I know, Trazadone

    by zencat

    I just felt kinda bad for Alexandra DuPont -- since so many TBers seemed to take it as a personal affront that she dares to have a different arrangement of chromosomes. But you're right, I don't come to AICN for the feminist politics.

  • June 30, 2006, 11:50 a.m. CST

    Besides, you never know...

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    Patton may return one day and give us reviews disguised as Robert Evans.

  • June 30, 2006, 11:52 a.m. CST

    Wow Zencat

    by The Ender

    It truly hurts me to know you think my fiance is #$$%#@ ^*&*%(*%. Because your words, really count. Discussion about gender? What the fuck site do you think you are posting on dipshit? Last I checked I was calling her a pretentious cunt of a movie reviewer, I could give a shit what gender she was. Her review was a fucking Trilogy in itself to get through, and all she can muster is a few nabs at wit, and a few desperate cock sucking fucks like you trying to muster a hello from her with your lame, oh so god damn lame ass attempts to beat down anyone who thinks she's a bitch. There's the fuck off bus, hop on.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:07 p.m. CST


    by Trazadone

    Nah, I was just joking around. Although I guess I do take the male opinion over the female opinion on these types of things.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:11 p.m. CST

    Couldn't read it, too many spoilers

    by MrBoinfoint

    I went in to the first movie expecting it to be a piece of crap, but was pleasantly surprised by its quality. I'll be going in to this one thinking it will be a piece of crap as well. I mean, it's a sequel to a movie based on an amusement park ride. Sorry you were disappointed Alex, but that helps quell my expectations.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:17 p.m. CST

    I agree with people who wonder why AICN has to build up

    by eraser_x

    the reviewer. It's really doing her no favors. I mean, she seems to write well, and I must've read 10 or 20 reviews of hers over the years, but I cannot remember a single review that she's written in the past. In short, she's a good, competent reviewer, but there's no way she can live up to the ridiculous hype. Even the great Vern, when his brilliant reviews kept being introduced as being hilarious, would receive a bunch of negative talkbacks from contrarians, and that's why Vern begged AICN not to over-hype his reviews in the introductions any more. AICN should even more do the same favor for Ms. DuPont, given that she is a few levels below Vern in talent in terms of insight and many, many levels below Vern in ability to entertain or be memorable.

  • June 30, 2006, 12:17 p.m. CST

    Ladies! Give up the BOOTY!

    by brycemonkey

    What? It's a pirate TB.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:14 p.m. CST

    Clearly I struck a nerve with The Ender

    by zencat

    Add to the list of things I couldn't care less about: your potty language. (You kiss your warthog of a fiance with that mouth?) Still haven't addressed the fact that you FUCKED UP THE TALKBACK, ACE!

  • June 30, 2006, 1:15 p.m. CST

    By the way, The Ender

    by zencat

    When there's one 'e' on the end of fiancee, it means you're marrying a guy.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:21 p.m. CST

    Not Really*

    by The Ender

    *See previous post

  • June 30, 2006, 1:25 p.m. CST

    This film seems a little over the top

    by I Dunno

    zombie pirates, ok. That was sort of in the ride but sea monsters and squid people? I dunno. They can make an interesting pirate movie without turning it into Clash of the Titans.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:33 p.m. CST

    Nice to have you back Lex! Great Review!

    by bb6634

  • June 30, 2006, 1:35 p.m. CST

    Now I feel bad for you Zencat

    by The Ender

    That you are desperate enough to point out a spelling mistake as closure for an argument. Argument probably isn't the right word. More like a desperate attempt by yourself to get the attention of some Trust Fund Dyke. No one on the board gives a shit about our disagreement, no one is reading this talkback rooting for you. And no one is going to give you their phone number, and suck off all 2 1/4 inches of you because you stuck up for them in a talkback. If this bitch cant handle rude comments (which clearly she can as indicated by her rather charming response to being called a cunt) or bashing, then she shouldn't dish it out. You're the only one with the problem. I was satisfied saying what I did, I was done. Onlygave a link to my lovely fiance to show illustrate that somehow anyone saying ANYTHING negative about Dupont was jealous. I'm sorry that your screensaver of Victoria Silvstedt doesn't carry dialogue with you. I really am. You pathetic slag.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:39 p.m. CST


    by The Ender

    Only gave a link of my lovely fiance to counter the moronic statement that anyone saying ANYTHING negative about Dupont was somehow jealous.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:41 p.m. CST

    I knew POTC:DMC would suck. Worst.Summer.Ever.

    by Ye Not Guilty

    At least we have Spider-Man 3 to look forward to next year. POTC:DMC will open huge and then drop over 60% the next weekend.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:44 p.m. CST


    by jagger

    ..stay retired.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:44 p.m. CST

    It Becomes Blatently Obvious To Me That...

    by DirtyRatBastard

    Talkbackers fight just to start shit. I mean I am not trying to re-invent the wheel or overstate the obvious, but I find it highly ironic that people are picking fights over a review that, well, will exist in a minority. Then to prove manliness, people have to go into a pissing match over whose girl looks the best, or whatever. I will say this though, "Trust Fund Dyke" will be the title of my next album, to follow up my current album, "Seems Like A Nice Night For Assgrease" Does it matter to you? No, but then isn't that the point?

  • June 30, 2006, 1:47 p.m. CST

    I Hate Repitition

    by holidill

    That is why I hated King Kong, the repeated attacks by the giant bugs over and over again got annoying. Hopefully I will be able to overlook the three attacks of the Kraken. Re-watched the original last night with my wife because I never knew there was an added scene at the end of the film. So I waited and saw it. Pretty cool. I am still looking forward to this.

  • June 30, 2006, 1:47 p.m. CST

    I Hate Repitition

    by holidill

    Had to be done...

  • June 30, 2006, 1:50 p.m. CST

    Actually Rat Bastard

    by The Ender

    That does matter to me, and I want free copies of the album and a piece of the copyright pie!

  • June 30, 2006, 1:55 p.m. CST

    Welly welly welly well! Little Alex!

    by Zeke25:17

    Great; she comes out of retirement to tell us how lousy current movies are. We can see that already at CHUD and Rotten Tomatoes...and, for that matter, on most of the talkbacks on this board. While it's always nice to read a contributor who can actually write well, it would be even better if we could go a week or so without what seems to be endless nitpicking and fault-finding. Having said that, much as it pains me to admit this, I will: I thought Nacho Libre was more fun than Superman Returns.

  • June 30, 2006, 2:06 p.m. CST

    A little virgin/whore hangup, The Ender?

    by zencat

    You sure seem to lump women in one category or the other. "My lovely fiance" (come on, dude, you posted the picture, so you've got nowhere to hide: she ain't all that special) versus "Trust Fund Dyke." (I'm making some guesses about the average income in the household where you grew up, not to mention the dynamics between your mother and father; somewhere there's an explanation for your weird hostility toward women with money.) Anyway, I don't really care who else is reading this exchange; of the two of us, you seem to be the one with something to prove. And because I don't make a habit of wasting my time with assholes, I happily cede this "argument" to you. Well played!

  • June 30, 2006, 2:13 p.m. CST

    I've yet to feel compelled to see anything this summer.

    by uberman

    Nothing has spurred me to the theater yet. Nothing-first summer that has happened. I guess Hollywood can only burn you so many times before you figure out that 2 hrs of eye candy does not a good movie make. Love Action, really love monsters, but above all I have to be engaged or I feel like I just ate a bag of sugar by movies end-just kind of sick to my stomach. Sure-it was sweet, but ya gotta have some veggies and protien also or it leaves you feeling like shit. That is what this summer looks like with the exception of 'Superman: Rebooted' and I already had enough of after the first Donner one with the cheesiest action sequences ever devised by man. Uggh.

  • June 30, 2006, 2:15 p.m. CST

    I'd love to read this...but no spoilers, thanks.

    by minderbinder

  • June 30, 2006, 2:19 p.m. CST

    Damn TB posting accidentally...

    by minderbinder

    As I was saying...I'm bookmarking this, after seeing the flick I'll come back and read it. I do agree that this i the shit-worst summer for movies I can remember, hopefully POTC will be the exception that saves it somewhat. By the way, BIG PROPS to all the reviewers who went light to none on spoilers, this totally looks like the kind of movie that could get ruined pretty bad by knowing too much.

  • June 30, 2006, 2:24 p.m. CST

    Lets just remember one thing Zencunt

    by The Ender

    You actually.....oh thats right. STARTED the argument with yours truly, not vice versa. So if anyone had something to prove, that would be you. I am happy with my life thanks. Judging by how far you read into the phrase Trust Fund Dyke, you're either extremely bored. Or some kind of psuedo psychologist. Either way, I dont hold grudges. I sincerely hope you have a great day, and a happy life. The End?

  • June 30, 2006, 3 p.m. CST

    So how do we do the chant?

    by DirtyRatBastard

    Fight, Fight, a geek and a nerd! If the geek don't win, we all jump in!!!! Oh, and Ender? You can get comp copies of "Trust Fund Cunt", but percentages are whacked up through my lawyers.

  • June 30, 2006, 3:02 p.m. CST

    Ender, you are aware ...

    by Alexandra.DuPont

    ... that bullying shout-downs of anyone who disagrees with you, combined with posting MySpace photos of your purported concubine (the lucky girl!) makes you look like a full-frontal tool, right? I mean, really, and listen carefully: I don't care what you think of my writing, and you can toss the words "cunt" and "dyke" around like your own salad, mate -- but the jackassery is SO tedious. You have elaborately trimmed facial hair and listen to Nickelback, don't you? You're wearing a black skullcap with a marajuana leaf stitched on the front RIGHT NOW, aren't you? Will we be treated to mp3s of your champion rap battling soon?

  • June 30, 2006, 3:03 p.m. CST

    Mr. Nice Gaius

    by DirtyRatBastard

    Forgot to answer your question, but I was banned from the Zone for the simple use of the word "Gravitas." That, and I opined that AICN would greatly benefit from an ombudsman.

  • June 30, 2006, 3:05 p.m. CST

    One last question, Ender...

    by Alexandra.DuPont

    ... and I ask this in all seriousness: You're the overweight sidekick on a drivetime radio show in a midlist market, aren't you?

  • June 30, 2006, 3:06 p.m. CST

    While I am criticizing...

    by DirtyRatBastard

    I have read DuPont's "reviews" for years, and I agree with 58% of them. The problem I have with her is that she comes off as tragically hip...which, well, gives me the runs...

  • June 30, 2006, 3:21 p.m. CST


    by The Ender

    Let me answer your questions Dupont. 1. Yes. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. Long Islands will do that to you. 2. No. I dont like Nickelback. In fact I loathe them. I enjoy Madeleine Peyroux and Razorlight very much though. 3. No I am wearing my dog tags and a torn New York Yankees Hat. 4. I dont rap, or rap battle, or care for rap. So....nope. 5. I dont even listen to the radio, so questions like that serve you to no end. You do realize how many hearts you have broken on here by choosing to respond to the guy who thinks you are shit, instead of the ones who think you Are The Shit. I actually thought you might be cool seeing as how you were able to shrug off my apologetic/hypocritical statement previously posted. I thought wrong. But, why am I wasting your time with this? There are crab ridden carpets for you to munch! Get to it! You go girl!!

  • June 30, 2006, 3:34 p.m. CST

    nothing surprising

    by greyspecter

    I knew from the moment I heard the sequels were in the works that it would be Reloaded part deux. They can't help themselves. The reason LotR avoided this is because they didn't wait to see how well the first one was received before making the next two, and they already had the story laid out. Cheating bastards, PJ and Co. Anyway, the review was witty and biting, nice turns of the phrase, and since she agreed with most of my sentiments about movies (except Superman Returns, I was enchanted) I'll trust her judgement. But probably still see it once. at a matinee. wearing a disguise. alone. Oh, and Ms. Dupont? You forgot to praise the lone bright spot of MI:3, Mr. Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

  • June 30, 2006, 3:43 p.m. CST

    Does Yoda use the Force to wipe his ass?

    by Alexandra.DuPont

    Given the food he's dishing up on Dagobah, I'd have to think he's hooked up to a colostomy bag. **** Roger Ebert gets questions about Easter Eggs in "North By Northwest." I get this.

  • June 30, 2006, 3:51 p.m. CST

    Yeesh! Why all the hate??

    by Ribbons

    You'd think we were talking about 'X3' or 'Superman Returns' here. Why do so many of you seem to have so much personal investment in this thing that you're getting violently angry at Alexandra DuPont for not liking a film you haven't even seen yet (and Harry's and Moriarty's probably being the only other reviews of it that most of you have read)? So what?

  • June 30, 2006, 4:30 p.m. CST

    Trust Fund

    by Engineer_at_peac

    If someone has a trust fund they don't get till they turn 25, and they also have a doctorate, yet are not 25 yet, does that not seem to indicate that they earned the doctorate? Even presuming family money, a doctorate is not easy to get. It's something that has to be earned. Myself, there's not much I have more distaste for than wealth envy. Watch as even a "trust fund Tina or Tommy" takes his/her money, doesn't squander it, turns it into even more money, and gives more to society in the form of jobs, economical boost, and charitable donations than you ever will. Most wealthy are first generation wealthy, by the way. They got that way by being smarter and better than you.

  • June 30, 2006, 4:32 p.m. CST

    Alexandra, while you're down here with the plebes

    by Engineer_at_peac

    Could you answer a question I have tried and failed to get answered? I've never seen PotC. If I went right into PotC2 would I be able to understand the film or is it so dependant on the first film that I would just be utterly confused? Generally I'm a very sharp fellow.

  • June 30, 2006, 4:45 p.m. CST


    by Massawyrm 1

    You should definately see the first one. While you'll be able to follow this film just fine, there's too many little things that will baffle you and force you to think about them when it's just a little joke. You'll be asking yourself "WTF is up with that monkey?" and "What's with the dog?" Plus, they continue several of the emotional arcs from the first that carry too much resonence to not know the back story.

  • June 30, 2006, 4:54 p.m. CST

    Alexandra DuPont HerOwnSelf:

    by Leto III

  • June 30, 2006, 4:55 p.m. CST

    What Massawyrm said.

    by Alexandra.DuPont

  • June 30, 2006, 5:01 p.m. CST

    "At least acknowledge her witty turns of phrase."

    by Triumph poops!

    Fine, we'll do that...once she actually turns one! Sheesh, nice to see that Dupont returns just where she left off -- totally on the rag as much as ever AND as utterly devoid of writing talent and taste as ever. Not that that will stop the usual Casablanca-like rounded up idiots around here from actually believing this Internet bullshit -- oops, I meant falsified hype -- that she's this uber rich, superhot model chick. But, hey, go ahead and believe it. Just remember that's exactly why you ARE loser fanboy geeks who still live in your parents' basement!

  • June 30, 2006, 5:04 p.m. CST

    Now That I Think About It...

    by Leto III appears that the link is down. Que sera.

  • June 30, 2006, 5:15 p.m. CST

    The Ender's girl?

    by dopepope

    Where is this pic? I can't seem to find the link to it, and after reading what people are saying about it, and the fact he was dumb enough to post it, I have to see for myself.

  • June 30, 2006, 5:23 p.m. CST

    Two things:

    by seppukudkurosawa

    1) Even if you think Herc was heavy-pimping Dupont, you've still got to admit that her review had more character and was just plain more readable than some of the chicken scratches this place gets sold. 2)dopepope, unfortunately for you, unless the ender reposts the link, you're gonna have to spend the rest of your life wondering what his "fiance" looks like, because the post was deleted for stretching the page. I've got no idea why, but to me she looked strangely reminiscent of Margaret Thatcher (as she looks today). Which is fair enough, some people go for that look...

  • June 30, 2006, 5:23 p.m. CST

    Leto III, the link isn't down -- Google IMAGES has it

    by Triumph poops!

    Leto, in regards to the link you posted, the original site page may be down, but if you go to the Google home page and choose the IMAGES tab to conduct a search (rather than using the WEB tab as you would normally do), you can still call up the photo since Google has long since stored it into its collected database...

  • June 30, 2006, 5:26 p.m. CST,god

    by Quin the Eskimo

    I think I'm in love with Alexandra DuPont

  • June 30, 2006, 5:36 p.m. CST

    Well isn't this interesting

    by Larry Jay

    I said the last time that this silly cunt decided to review a movie that she should spend more time away from her hobbies (of which movie reviewing is one of them). Do us all a favor you brain damaged spawn of prada and re-retire again and NEVER darken the door of movie fans ever again. One Rex Reed is enough. Having one that bleeds monthly is tiresome.

  • June 30, 2006, 5:39 p.m. CST

    My thoughts on Ms. DuP and the PotC

    by chiahead

    Okay, for starters I think it's HIGH-larious that every time we get reintroduced to Ms. DuPont, her backstory gets more and more extravegant. Stroke of genius to parlay (joke intended) that into every one of her reviews. I love that she gets hotter and hotter every time, and anti-heroine-er and anti-heroine-er too. Whatever, you get my point band grammar or no. A totally deified avatar is practically guaranteed to stir controversy- and the way the back and forth goes between the folks who agree with her reviews and disagree is ALMOST as entertaining to me as her writing. And keep in mind, I'm one of those CLOSET geeks who loves Geek Stuff but isn't actually afraid of women, success or putting his stuff out there. Believe what you want. In truth, I'm not convinced that Ms. DuPont is even a girl- I have this romantic notion that perhaps she is in fact a HE who thought up this brilliant alter ego JUST to see how his reviews would be interpreted through the lense of a self-empowered, highly intellectual, every geeks wet dream type woman. But whatever. I stand to gain nothing and I stand to lose nothing when I say that I actually like ADP's style and I don't think "tragically hip" is entirely accurate. There is more than a little sass in her writing yes, but there is also more than a little craft to it too. That said it just drives me nuts the way some reviewers of films interpret their duties as critics. Personally, anyone who reviews a film outside of the context in which the film itself was intended really ought to be slapped. No one ever said Bad Santa sucked because at the end Clarence didn't get his wings. And it seems pretty clear to me that ADP is qualifying her judgements based on what she liked about the previous film. Why is this so hard to take? She never said you had to agree with her. In point of fact, she DID say you'd probably DISagree with her. So where is this negativity coming from? Further... well I wonder how many of you who did disagree with her have actually seen the film. That guy who said that the very reasons he would enjoy the film were the same reasons she said she disliked it is an excellent example of what i'm talking about- it IS possible to syphon fact from opinion if a movie review is written well. Anyways, I'm just saying. As entertaining as all the hating is... I doubt I'd be thick skinned enough to not take it personally.

  • June 30, 2006, 6:06 p.m. CST

    Triumph poops!

    by Ribbons

    That's some specious armchair psychology you're throwing around there. You think I believe that/care whether DuPont is attractive? I enjoy her question-answer writing style. If you don't, that's fine, but don't go around attributing certain character traits to any and all persons who happen to like her reviews. I could say that everyone who uses sexist slurs to try and undermine her opinion is a moron, but I don't, because that would be a douche-like thing to say.

  • June 30, 2006, 6:52 p.m. CST


    by xsi kal

    I thought the intro was funny, and the review well written (if depressing, as Pirates was one of the few movies my wife and I wanted to see). /shrug. Not sure what all the fuss is about.

  • June 30, 2006, 6:58 p.m. CST

    Although Misogyny is a bad thing...

    by DirtyRatBastard

    The word Cunt is priceless. You know why? Because it is woman Kryptonite. See, that is the one word that can send any woman up a wall. It's like if you called me a nigger and if you did, let me tell you, I would run up a wall...except with pieces of your newly-deceased corpse. The point that I am making is where black slurs righteously should be dealt with, I never understood why a woman can live (partially) with being called a bitch, slut, tramp, or even whore, but if you call her a cunt, it's like you stabbed her unborn fetus right through her stretch-marked stomach. Someone needs to do research on this right away, and maybe I will kick in a little grant money. The mystery of the Cunt must be solved!

  • June 30, 2006, 7:32 p.m. CST

    Sorry, Ribbons, but I stand by what I said...

    by Triumph poops!

    You wrote: "I enjoy her question-answer writing style. If you don't, that's fine, but don't go around attributing certain character traits to any and all persons who happen to like her reviews." For the record, I DIDN'T take anyone to task for liking her REVIEWS. Hey, that's a matter of taste. That's fine by me. You can like who or what you want. What I DID take to task are those morons actually buying into this truly old and tired and worn out AICN bullshit hyperbole about Dupont's looks and background. So again, quoting myself: "Not that that will stop the usual Casablanca-like rounded up idiots around here from actually believing this Internet bullshit -- oops, I meant falsified hype -- that she's this uber rich, superhot model chick. But, hey, go ahead and believe it. Just remember that's exactly why you ARE loser fanboy geeks who still live in your parents' basement!" And sorry, Ribbons, I stand by that. If you buy into this make-believe bullshit, this trumped-up, fictionalized, Net-created crap that is constantly and repeatedly jammed down our throats about Dupont's looks and brains and money and whatnot, you're a stupid dweeb DESERVING to be locked in your parents basement until you actually grow a functioning brain. Seriously, ask yourself this: this is supposed to be a geek site dedicated to MOVIE news. So why the fuck in the lead-in to her "review" do we need to know about her looks or money or graduate degree? Or worst of all, her drunken Lesbian love trysts? Riiiiiiight, because ANY worthwhile news coverage would begin with such an opening about the reporter himself. And before you say that error was made on the part of AICN, that THEY put it in, just keep in mind that in some of Dupont's reviews she's worked in her Lesbian lover as well, as if to create some air of "I'm hipper and more chic" than you attitude which, quite frankly, is borderline offensive for BEING so arrogant. You konw, here's what pissed me off. People around here give complete shit to Harry for casually mentioning his new girlfriend in a review piece -- they say it has no place for being there -- but on the flip side people in this thread want to give Dupont tons of leeway for doing the SAME thing and NOT call her on it. Personally, I'm just tired of this crap that Dupont should be put on a pedastal and bowed down to when her entire claim to fame is (1) she went to college or possibly grad school, which is only something that pretty much EVERYONE ELSE here has done, too... and (2) she's seen a bunch of movies and has an opinion on them. Which again, would make her the SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE. So why are we supposed to kiss her ass so much? Oh, that's right -- we're right back to square one. We're supposed to kiss her ass for all the trumped-up reasons regarding her looks, money, supposed "genius" THAT WE HAVE NO PROOF OF. The bottom line: if you want to like Dupont's reviews because you actually agree with them, good for you. Everyone's entitled to an opinion including Dupont. But this utter bullshit that she's a goddess we must all bow to and whose ass we must kiss perpetually or who we're supposed to have some sort of intellectual or class envy over all because of non-proven facts has gotten REALLY tired and stale and, frankly, is beneath even AICN reporting standards as wide open and loose as they generally are. Me, for my two cents, I agree with Luf's sarcastic and funny post above when he noted: "So basically what Ms Dupont is saying is, that it is like the first movie only filled with more fun, action, effects and imagination, plus we get a working cliffhanger at the end. Undead monkey servants, cancel my ticket reservations!" As far as I'm concerned, that says it all and once again it's clear that Dupont missed the mark entirely which her reviews are prone to do.

  • June 30, 2006, 8:23 p.m. CST


    by Ribbons

    I took the Casablanca remark as an implication of anyone who liked her review secretly crushing on her, or something. My apologies. Umm, I don't really have a comment on the whole lead-in to her reviews. I'm sure she doesn't tell Herc to talk her up like that, so I just ignore them for the most part. As for Harry talking about his girlfriend and Alexandra talking about her partner? I don't mind when either one does it. It's a fallacy to cry "hypocrisy!" over people complaining about Harry's tendency to do it while ignoring Ms. DuPont's, because who says that it's the same people contradicting themselves? Anyhoo.

  • June 30, 2006, 8:33 p.m. CST

    Ms. Dupont is like masterbating with a cheese grater...

    by Arche Logos

    She's kinda interesting at first but it gets painfulllllll real fast. Her referances are trite and typical and her writing, while full of opinion, is flat and limited in originality. I suppose when your that rich/famous you can buy a Phd from any institution. Hell, didn't Pamela Anderson get an honorary doctorate? I feel like I just read a review from a Baywatch babe who atleast had the decency to referance her pithy little diatribes with IMDB. Also I'm beginning to wonder how many hot women Hercules has actually come across. Hmmm

  • June 30, 2006, 9:51 p.m. CST

    Ribbons, it's cool -- no prob.

    by Triumph poops!

    There's certainly no need for any apologies. I just wanted to clear up the misunderstanding you had about what you THOUGHT I said versus the point I was actually TRYING to make. If there was any confusion, I should certainly take most of the blame simply because I may not have made myself clear to begin with. So it's fine, and I appreciate your response since generally whenever you've posted I've often agreed with a lot of your points. And I'm all for open trading of ideas, that's what Talkbacks should be about. That said, Arche Logos (who just posted above) summed it up perfectly as well: emotionally, the whole Dupont thing has become like masturbating with a cheese grater. I guess I should learn to just skip the over-hyped intros, but I like to read any article in its entirety. Speaking as a writer myself, I think that's the whole POINT of putting forth an article. Namely, you're supposed to take it ALL in. So to that end, why AICN repeatedly goes sooooooo freakin' overboard relative to Dupont (versus anyone else posting a news or review piece) is beyond me. Maybe someone at AICN thinks its "cute", but I'm just tired of it. It's just gotten old and with each new review or article she has here, the exaggerations get more and more smelly and just reeking of bullshit. And, in the end, I just think that takes something away from the worthiness of the article itself. Look, I could understand it if she really DID look like an ultra hot porn star and she had her photo up for all to see. That would actually make sense. At least then she'd simply be a beautiful woman who had the actual confidence to say "I'm just a hard-working woman who's putting forth my writing, and I have nothing to hide." There, we're done with it. But, to me, the Dupont exaggerations long ago reached the comparable analogy of some guy trying to work up a studio audience BEFORE a stand-up comic or host of the show comes out and who keeps telling that same audience, "Now when this guy comes out, I'm telling you, he's gonna tell you the absolute funniest joke you've EVER heard in your ENTIRE LIFE" which point the joke has no chance of living up to the hype or expectation. In fact, I'd say the moment has been ruined and the joke will now likely fall flat simply BECAUSE expectations were raised so high. So why even go there? Why even play that game? And as I said before, what the hell do drunk multi-lesbian lovers screwing around on a couch have to do with a MOVIE review? I don't come here for that shit. Get on with it already. Get to the point. And if someone thinks it's "colorful commentary" adding a particular flavor, I would simply note that the amount of angry-toned talkback posts which perpetually erupt in the wake of any Dupont column -- those that essentially say "I've really gotten tired of this shit" -- would refute that point. It's colorful commentary people are bored by and can do without. And besides, going back to Dupont looking like a porn star or not, we're once again back at the eternal Dupont question: Why doesn't she simply show her photo and end this crap? After all, if she wants to be taken seriously as a journalist or reviewer, what's the big deal with putting a face to the writing? Does Harry hide his face away? Ebert or Roeper? Rex Reed or Tom Shales or Peter Travers or Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather or Bill O'Reilly or whoever? When you really come down to it, what reporters really hide their faces? Hell, if you're a writer, reviewer or editorialist working for a newspaper or magazine or online outlet, you pretty much work your ass off PRAYING for the day when you DO get your photo placed next to your piece and your byline simply to establish a solid and reputable cache for yourself. But on the flip side, this nonsense that Dupont is "all that" but who likewise needs complete and utter anonymity is bullshit and, as I've said, gotten REALLY stale REALLY fast. But, hey, that's just my opionion and as we've both come to agreement on, everyone here is allowed to their own.

  • June 30, 2006, 9:53 p.m. CST

    Cunt is to Woman as Dick is to Man

    by Zeke25:17

    You'll never see THAT on an SAT, I betcha. Not that I throw either word around; it's just that I've noticed guys don't get NEARLY as pissed if they're called dicks. Anyway, none of that has to do with the review, or who wrote it. Just had to add that "little Alex" is right on where Superman Returns is concerned: obviously filmed with reverence and care, meticulously shot...but oddly edited, off-paced and, strangely, BORING in parts. Still, having watched Batman Begins again (a fine example of treating the subject matter properly and still making an exciting film), I can't help but think that we may indeed soon see a Batman vs Superman flick; and it could be frickin AWESOME. I'd say let Singer produce it, give Chris Nolan the director's chair, and have Goyer team up with Andrew Kevin Walker for the screenplay. By the way, regarding Dead Man's Chest: looks like fun, which is exactly what it's supposed to be. If the worst thing about it is I get to see a giant fucking squid three times, I think I'll like it just fine! (Now let's see how many people respond to me since I put a naughty word in my subject line!)

  • June 30, 2006, 10 p.m. CST


    by Barstock

    Funny how the review doesn't mention anything about the movie except what's already online, including the the "prediction" of stuff in the next one. Hatchet job by some goober out of Florida.

  • June 30, 2006, 10:16 p.m. CST

    I hate these reviews...

    by Angry Mean Panda

    Don't say in 30 words what can be said in 3. Step away from the fucking thesaurus and realize that looking up words does not in fact mean you know them and pretenind that you know words doesn't make your smarter.

  • June 30, 2006, 10:30 p.m. CST

    i love the word cunt and i'm a girl

    by occula

    stop getting excited about girls briefly becoming lesbians. all women are lesbians at some point or another and if they tell you they aren't or weren't, they're lying. it's like guys who say they've never looked at porn. LYING. anyhow, i think someone who doesn't have even a little bit of a good time at a big summer popcorn movie is a crank and should stay at home and rent 'koyanisqaatsi.'

  • June 30, 2006, 11:53 p.m. CST


    by mr_macphisto

    "Kraken attack? Great idea. Let's have three of 'em! High-stakes dice game with Davy Jones? Sure! Nutty voodoo priestess? Why not. Three-way swordfight? Ghostly reunions? Men with barnacles overtaking their bodies? Sword-fight on a falling-down church? Crazy natives? Cool face-painting? Fistfights in Tortuga? Undead monkeys? Jack Sparrow blasting his way out of a floating coffin? Rolling down hills in cages and waterwheels? "20,000 Leagues" references? Suspension bridges? Treasure hunts? Running around? Lovecraftian pirate ship with three-barreled Gatlin-cannon? Blimey!" Sold! Oh, wait...she didn't like it. Shit.

  • July 1, 2006, 12:52 a.m. CST

    This is the 1st time I have read one of DuPonts Reviews

    by uberman

    and frankly I thought it was really insightful. And no, my ballsy freinds, cunt is to woman what nigger is to blacks, so way to go with the lowest blow you can just because somebody didnt like your movie. I immediately was impressed with the DuPont insight. Yes, it was a good review, and no, it does not invalidate your liking the movie. It justs one persons review, and it was well thought out and certainly well written. I thought there were some great one liners in the peice. Woman with brains are a threat only to men with tiny peckers. Scientific fact.

  • July 1, 2006, 1:19 a.m. CST


    by DarthCorleone

    I said before a single movie came out this would be the worst summer ever. So far I'm right. M:I:3? The promise of a return to the spirit of the series was another Cruise-glory action vehicle where MI "teamwork" simply means that one guy flies the helicopter and one guy uses the computer. A couple outstanding action sequences, but I couldn't care less about the characters. And if you saw Hoffman in the trailers, you literally heard every single line he has. X-Men 3? Sort of a guilty pleasure in spots, but in hindsight it just doesn't hold up. Way too many characters and a waste of material. Magneto's scheme makes no sense. Why not just drop the Golden Gate on the building from a mile away? Since when is he willing to sacrifice mutants like pawns? Superman Returns? Again, a few good spots, but completely predictable and completely devoid of suspense. For a movie as long as that was, I swear absolutely nothing happened. The characters had potential, but they aren't giving anything interesting to say or do. And this Pirates thing? I didn't even like the first one. I think I'm done with the popcorn fare.

  • July 1, 2006, 1:19 a.m. CST


    by readingwriter

    " Lexy turns 25 in two months"... From ADuPont's review of The Phantom Menace: "Like many of you, I was in the age 5-13 bracket when Episode IV of George Lucas' mythological saga came out in '77."

  • July 1, 2006, 6:07 a.m. CST

    Interesting, readingwriter...

    by Tookess

    You should post a link! Man, now I gotta look that up. ITA with everyone else who's dissapointed this summer movie-wise. I hope I'll disagree with Alex's review of POTC2, since it's pretty much all we've got left. Occula, I got nuthin' against the word "cunt" either, but you are dead wrong on the lesbian issue, my friend. All women are, in fact, robosexual at some point or another, and if they tell you they aren't or weren't, then they truly are lying. I will also personally admit to having looked at porn many times and liking it.

  • July 1, 2006, 6:39 a.m. CST


    by readingwriter

  • July 1, 2006, 6:45 a.m. CST


    by Tookess

    The quote posted by readingwriter can be found here: -- BTW, Triumph poops!, after 7-8 long years of having no freaking idea what Mori really looks like, your lengthy post finally inspired me to find out. I am oddly satisfied.

  • July 1, 2006, 6:46 a.m. CST

    As for POTC2

    by readingwriter

    The review makes me wonder if I'm just getting old (true enough) or if the movies are just cancelling themselves out with the incessant action and noise and music--let these movies breathe a little! (Of course, I'm reading all these Superman Returns reviews saying it's dull. If I had any interest in SR I'd check it out just to see if it's just non-hyper or is, in fact, boring.) TESB is the model of a great escapist adventure movie, and to me it's got a unique pace; the biggest action scenes come right on top of each other early in the movie. But the thing works because it builds EMOTIONALLY; we care about what's going to happen to the characters as the movie progresses, and another massive battle scene at the climax would have been a huge disappointment because the movie narrows from the big (rebellion, armies clashing) to the personal (dad fighting son). You can do that when you have faith in your material, and your ability to make the audience care about your characters. You can't do it if you distrust yourself AND your audience's maturity/interests. POTC2 may very well be wonderful, but I fear it's just a lot of action beats. Too bad, because I went in to the first one with an attitude and enjoyed it immensely. I can't really bring much of the action to mind, but I CAN recall Depp's stopping himself from shooting Knightley for burning his booze.

  • July 1, 2006, 6:47 a.m. CST

    Beat me to it. Damn!

    by Tookess

  • July 1, 2006, 6:50 a.m. CST

    See, I became transfixed by Moriarty's likeness

    by Tookess

  • July 1, 2006, 8:08 a.m. CST

    Always find it interesting..

    by Yeti

    when people get their knickers in a knot over someone's elses opinion, yet resort to a grade 3 level (your a faggot) when somebody else disagree's with their opinion as well. Karma.

  • July 1, 2006, 9:56 a.m. CST

    Freshman Senator

    by ico-jones

    Yeah, that's not true.

  • July 1, 2006, 12:09 p.m. CST


    by Don Lockwood

    About your comment about color commentary: Just read one of the Harry's reviews. I've stopped doing so because frankly I don't care what he had for breakfast. He thinks he needs to tell you about his day so you know what kind of mindset he was in when he saw the film in question and then tells you all about it in his reviews. No one else on the site does that. As for standing by their stuff, I already said that earlier in the TB. How am I supposed to trust the opinions of "professionals" who don't give me the opportunity to know who they are or what their credentials are? I'm particularly looking at Alexandra and Hercules. Since we're complaining, here's my other one that seems to get glossed over a lot: is this an entertainment news site or not? How many times have we heard "Oh, well, I learned this really cool thing, but I can't tell you yet?" Are you insiders or outsiders? Didn't this site used to report the stuff you couldn't find or shouldn't know yet? How about reading a huge piece of news somewhere else and it never gets reported here? The worst case of this recently was in the interview with Brandon Routh where they TALK ABOUT this big news that Spielberg is somehow attached to the WoW movie, but there's not a damn word about it on the site. The problem in my mind is a lack of focus. Harry and Mori are focused on being movieMAKERS and in becoming a part of the system, they are now afraid to step on toes and they have less time to focus on doing things for this site. Maybe it's time to do some recruiting and become the figureheads you're already becoming.

  • July 1, 2006, 6:14 p.m. CST

    I was joking

    by AwesomeBillFunk

    Herc's description is obviously fake, I don't think he intended for anyone to think it wasn't. "thanks, I've since been told, to some extraordinarily helpful coherent light experiments she'd helped brainstorm in La Jolla for the Human Genome Project." - Jesus people.

  • July 1, 2006, 6:28 p.m. CST

    But...MacGuffins aren't supposed to matter!!!!!

    by Drath

    Did I miss something? Big magic thing gives you power, bad guys want it, good guys are stuck between it and bad guys, and there it is. Were we told what the hell James Mason was doing in North By Northwest? No, because MacGuffins are all about not mattering to the audience. I guess what's important is...if the audience needs the MacGuffin to be explained in order for them to enjoy the movie, then the moviemakers aren't doing it right. Sorry, Alexandra, I just found that line in your review to be a little "off." I agree about Superman's pacing, though I didn't think it ruined the movie completely. I also think the disatisfaction you are voicing sounds exactly like what I felt coming out of the first movie. Could it be that Jack Sparrow was just new enough to be a distraction to everyone so that they didn't notice that the first movie was a disjointed mess of silly action?

  • July 1, 2006, 7:15 p.m. CST

    huh? MacGuffins matter, they move the story forward

    by Silver Shamrock

    look at how much of notorious hinges on the stealing of the uttica key.. the bottles in the wine cellar had to later be explained. Mason's motives weren't a MacGuffin in NBNW, it's usually an object of great significance to the characters, like the letters of transit in casablanca, which meant jack shit in terms of logic, but increased the conflicts in the story. and yes at some point the significance of that was explained too. Hitch never dealt with magical objects as MacGuffins. it's getting confused with the lazy writing of shows like Alias that had an unexplainable magical object of the week.

  • July 1, 2006, 7:25 p.m. CST

    I actually do agree, Drath (*SPOILERS HEREIN*)....

    by Alexandra.DuPont

    ... that "MacGuffin" may not have been the best word there. It was more that I felt the point of the movie's convoluted quest was never clearly explained -- and the movie ends in an unsatisfying way that feels like what might happen if "Raiders" ended immediately after the Nazis loaded the Ark on that sub (and without Belloq properly explaining that it's a radio for talking to God). I got a great reader e-mail yesterday that made a great point. I paraphrase: "All you need is a ring that needs to go to Mt. Doom, you know? You don't need a drawing of a key that leads to a key that leads to a chest that leads to a chest within a chest that must then be delivered to a ponce you hardly know for some unexplained reason." It's just plain sloppy plotting. The CHARACTERS in "Dead Man's Chest" are just as agreeable as they were last time, mostly -- the problem is that they're running around in an overcluttered story that's far too busy for its own good. It lacks "Curse of the Black Pearl"'s momentum. Clearer?

  • July 1, 2006, 8:03 p.m. CST

    Nah, the first movie holds up pretty well, I'd say

    by Ribbons

    I don't know, I think one of the good points in the review that no one's mentioned yet is that the pirates being skeletons was kind of a big deal. It wasn't just assumed that the world was full of crazy, supernatural wonder. Now all of a sudden every Tom, Dick and Harry treats magic like it's an everyday occurrence? When did that happen? I dunno, I just don't think this needed to become a franchise, to be honest. But I'm sure it'll be diverting and cool to look at and whatever.

  • July 1, 2006, 8:53 p.m. CST


    by NoteTheTrees

    You're absolutely right, this is one of the most inconsequential big ticket summers ever. There isn't a single major film I can think of that isn't somehow already a brand (The Da Vinci Code to Miami Vice) or a fucking sequel (well, everything else). "Tom Xenu Cruise remains my favorite underrated batshit-insane leading man," too. I've been thinking about this, too, and I agree. Of the "batshit-insane" calibre leading men, I'd say Tom is my favorite, too. I still didn't bother to see 'M-I:3,' or 'M:I-3,' or whatever the fuck, in theaters. Now to 'Pirates,' I didn't even like the first one. It was a half hour too long. I hope the fall season compensates for this fucking dismal summer.

  • July 2, 2006, 1:14 a.m. CST

    Insert Menaingless Metaphor Here

    by Alex Douchepot

    The DuPont Review Motif

  • July 2, 2006, 1:15 a.m. CST

    Insert Spellcheck Here

    by Alex Douchepot


  • July 2, 2006, 1:31 a.m. CST


    by Ribbons

    Seriously, I'll ask again: what is it about DuPont not liking this movie that you haven't even seen yet that's thrown the fan community into such a tizzy? Did you guys, like, already decide that it was gonna be awesome or something? Who cares? I'm more out of touch than I thought if people care enough about the "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise to make effigies of the person who dared to give it a "meh."

  • July 2, 2006, 2:35 a.m. CST


    by readingwriter

    They're basically excuses to get the characters into those situations we want to see--the tough spots, the clinches, the sarcastic barbs. We don't particularly care about the treasure chest--it's not like WE are going to be rewarded if it's found. It's what THEY care about, the characters in the movie we're watching. "The play's the thing..." as the good man said. We want to see what happens during the trip. Finding the chest or ring isn't the goal for the audience; it's actually the point where the fun ends. I mean, when we talk about Star Wars, are we going on and on about "Those cool Death Star plans" which is what the whole damned plot is ABOUT? Nope. We care about what happens because OTHER people are interested in those plans. So in a sense, the reviewer pointing out that all the fun stuff is there is fine--that's what we are there to see. But it is disappointing that it's so needlessly complicated--just point to the map and say "This is where we gotta go, let's go" and then show what happens along the way.

  • July 2, 2006, 6:25 a.m. CST

    we need more female brains

    by drjones

    on aicn. and more alex du pont... which would be a first step into the right direction...

  • July 2, 2006, 10:53 a.m. CST

    "It was so well-made, action-packed--"

    by John Dalmas

  • July 2, 2006, 10:54 a.m. CST

    "It was so well-made, action-packed--"

    by John Dalmas

    --and loaded with ideas that she didn't like it." After Massawyrm explained a key plot point that she missed, it's reasonable to conclude that this was actually over her head.

  • July 2, 2006, 11:24 a.m. CST

    er -

    by occula

    wait, tookess, isn't that what i said - that all women dyke out at some point, even if it's just to get drunk and make out with their friend for 5 bucks at a bar? anyhow, i myself am not sure what the tizzy is over this review. certainly wasn't anything to write home about. but maybe i'm just a jaded old hag who actually WAS 5 when episode IV came out.

  • July 2, 2006, 2:18 p.m. CST

    They needed Bootstrap's blood

    by Novaman5000

    Because he was part of the original crew when they were cursed. Then the idiots tossed him overboard, weighted, so he sunk to the bottom of the sea. Still, to break the curse they needed the blood of everyone who was there, and since there was no reaching bootstrap because he was stuck at the bottom of the ocean, (kept alive by his curse, of course) his son was the next best thing.

  • July 2, 2006, 3:22 p.m. CST

    I love you, Alexandra.

    by Nate Champion

    Call me!

  • July 2, 2006, 4:46 p.m. CST

    I hate this "broad"

    by hktelemacher

    Always have. Film schools nowadays produce such posturing fuckwits. In reading her review, I kept wondering why they didn't use her script to shoot the sequels.

  • July 2, 2006, 6:15 p.m. CST

    Posturing Fuckwits

    by Alex Douchepot

    My new favourite combination of words. Thank you

  • July 2, 2006, 7:23 p.m. CST

    Say what you will about my posturing fuckwittery...

    by Alexandra.DuPont

    ... But David Ansen of Newsweek agrees with me about the film's cluttered confusion:

  • July 2, 2006, 8:23 p.m. CST

    I thought Deps character was a dead guy already...

    by uberman

    from the 1st one, little of which I remember. The 'shock' in that film was when Deps pirate is shown to be a supernatural guy, long dead just like the villian. Strange. And as to this 'all women dyke out' comments on this site, thats like saying all men take it up the ass at one point in their lives. No, last time I checked most woman dont dyke out and most never will...unless your gay. Its not all 'Girls Gone Wild!!' out there, so get out of your moms basement and experiance the world outside of your TV and computers.

  • July 2, 2006, 9:26 p.m. CST


    by Ribbons

    No, what had happened was he'd taken a piece of the Aztec gold from the chest during his sword fight with Barbossa.

  • July 2, 2006, 11:54 p.m. CST

    Thanks Ribbons.

    by uberman

    I assume that gold did something to him. like make him a skeleton when sunlight hits him? Do you know what it is that was happening to him in those scenes? I missed something when I saw it.

  • July 3, 2006, 12:11 a.m. CST

    Harry Seemed To Like It

    by Alex Douchepot

    Seems more and more like someone queefed in Dupoints Cocoa Puffs.

  • July 3, 2006, 12:38 a.m. CST

    uberman Part II

    by Ribbons

    Well, the curse placed on the Aztec gold was the same curse all the pirates on the Black Pearl had. Anyone who takes gold from the chest becomes the living dead, so they don't die, but they can't have sensory experiences like taste or smell or anything pleasant like that. And the moonlight shows them for "what they really are," which is skeletons. When Jack took that gold coin from the chest, he got hit with the same spell. So he became the walking dead, which is why Barbossa couldn't kill him when he stuck his sword into his chest. And Jack kept turning into a skeleton because he kept walking in and out of the moonlight. He cut his hand open and put some of his blood on the coin he took before he returned it to the chest, because that's how you break the spell: everybody who took a piece has to put their blood onto the coin they took and drop it back into the chest. He then shot Barbossa and dropped the coin Kiera Knightley's character had gotten from Will as a boy, which Will was nice enough to bleed on. So because all the other pirates had dropped their stolen gold into the chest earlier, the last missing piece of gold was returned and the spell was broken, so the bullet inside Barbossa's chest killed him. Hope that clears things up.

  • July 3, 2006, 9:33 a.m. CST

    Gallery Chappe

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    Who the fuck is this guy???

  • July 3, 2006, 11:15 a.m. CST

    Mr. Nice Gaius

    by Turd Furgusen

    Who ever it is, they are an internet shil. Although, I would like to meet Emily F. from his myspace. All I know is I get yelled at for accidently stretching the TB one time and this guy constantly pumps up his artwork on this site. Too bad "Lexy" didn't like the movie. Hopefully it is just part of the trilogy and not meant to be a "stand alone" film.

  • July 3, 2006, 11:39 a.m. CST


    by Mr Nice Gaius

    His random posts are almost as annoying and pointless as pockybot's.

  • July 3, 2006, 1:22 p.m. CST


    by LesterB

    Freshman senators elected in the year 2004: Richard Burr (R-NC), Tom Coburn (R-OK), Jim DeMint (R-SC), Johnny Isakson (R-GA), Mel Martinez (R-FL), Barack Obama (D-IL), Ken Salazar (D-CO), John Thune (R-SD), and David Vitter (R-LA). I just looked at pictures of each of their wives (except Jim DeMint, who's a bachelor), and not a single one of them looks a day under forty years old, let alone like a potential "punk pixie". I think Alexandra is spinnin' yarns...

  • July 3, 2006, 2:11 p.m. CST

    Touche', Nice.

    by Turd Furgusen

    Pockybot and he might be one and the same. I also think that our dear "Lexy" maybe Janeane Garafalo. I might as well hop on the conspiracy band wagon.

  • July 4, 2006, 4:02 p.m. CST

    Alexandra DuPont apologizes for her Reviewsdddddddddddd

    by JarJar25

  • July 4, 2006, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Alexandra DuPont really apologizes for her reviews!

    by JarJar25

    So sorry for that first post! So, what's this I hear? You really liked "Superman Returns" and "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"?!? Yes, to start with, "Superman Returns" was fantastic! It was a film that had great story that was part remake and something new. I really loved what they did with Lois Lane, and her boyfriend not being a cliche, where he is this mean jealous lover. He cares about her and her son. Such a great film, can't believe I said such things about that film. "Dead Man's Chest" is really good and not like "Matrix Reloaded"? Well, I have to tell you that I really love "Matrix Reloaded" and the whole Matrix trilogy, but that's another story. Dead Man's Chest was a film that really took my breath away in so many ways. Let me say, that it great from beginning to end. So, what your really saying about these two films is that you came to AICN to just cause problems and you really don't know what the hell your talking about? Yes, I don't know what came over me. I have been having all kinds of problems, including drinking and drug related ones. Which is why I posted twice. Kept thinking that I already was done, but never got past the subject heading. I am so sorry everyone. Please enjoy these films and don't listen to me ever again! Bye, ooohhhhhh

  • July 4, 2006, 7:06 p.m. CST

    Jesus for fuck, shutup about this Pont woman

    by DannyOcean01

    Wow, she's a halfway decent looking nerd woman...supposedly. She can't write for shit...Be off with you to your final retirement....or the case may be...

  • July 8, 2006, 7:29 a.m. CST

    I just don't buy the "half a movie" criticism.

    by minderbinder

    This movie HAD an ending, it just wasn't completely resolved. And they don't have to "undo" the cliffhanger, just resolve it. And yes, the cliffhanger will be resolved early in the next film, what's so bad about that?

  • May 23, 2007, 7:09 p.m. CST

    teh sexxy


    any babe that can wax poetic about film is more sexy than any of those shallow dim wits.