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Vern will ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER and you don't want that revealed, do you?
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with Vern, who is in top form with his review of I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, the direct-to-video sequel of that b-level franchise. Once again, my words are meaningless when one as great as Vern is waiting for your attention, so I will give the man his stage. Enjoy!
Howdy fellas -
I'll always know what you did last summer. You wore short sleeves and
complained about Star Wars 3 alot. Also, that's the name of the new DTV
sequel to I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. It's from the director of TROIS
3: THE ESCORT and the writer of OCTOPUS 1&2 and stars a bunch of young TV
actors I never heard of.
When last we left our heroes (you know, the kids who ran over a guy and then
lied about it), they were in the Bahamas fighting against a vengeful
fisherman with a hook. There was no need for a surprise twist of who the
killer was, it was still the guy with a hook. I believe Jeffrey Combs was
involved, the R&B singer Brandy (who your parents used to listen to)
survived due to contract negotiations, and an uncredited Jack Black grunted
"it's all good" as he was gored to death. I'm sure other things happened but
that's what I remember. Then Jennifer Love Hewitt had to leave to prepare
for the GARFIELD movies.
That was 8 years ago, so the teens who were mildly entertained by the sequel
at that time have blossomed into adulthood. To celebrate this new stage in
their lives, Hollywood is giving this audience what they give every
generation as it reaches maturity: a replacement group of teenage
protagonists. Enjoy.
Obviously, since we're dealing with an entirely new set of characters, the
thing that the person knows about what they did 9 or 10 summers ago is not
the same thing. At this point even the fisherman is probaly thinking ah fuck
it, it's time to move on. So we gotta start out with a new dark secret for
some kids to bury.
They figured out a way to tie it in to the old series though. The movie
opens at a carnival on the 4th of July, where the new group of teens discuss
the legend of the fisherman with the hook who kills people on the 4th of
July. Then without warning the fisherman appears and runs through the
carnival, scaring the shit out of everyone.
A crowd watches in terror as the killer runs onto the roof and battles P.J.,
the sheriff's son. This scene is hilarious because P.J., like all teens, is
a skateboarder. He uses his board to block the hook and then skates across
the roof and does an awesome trick.
Then the lead teens run off and giggle because this whole thing was a prank,
their friend was dressed up as the fisherman. The hook he used allegedly
belonged to the original fisherman, and he bought it on ebay. Somehow it's
not until a little later that they notice that P.J. never landed his awesome
skateboard trick, and was impaled on a tractor.
So they bury the costume, they agree that "the secret dies with us," and
then we skip to a year later. All the teens are now graduating and talking
about moving away and what not, so it is that ripe time of change that
horror movies for some reason always have to be about. Then the plot starts
to unfold basically the same way as in the first movie, except with one
MAJOR twist. Instead of finding a note that says "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST
SUMMER," she gets a text message!
You see? That's why they had to wait 8 years to make this baby. The
technology was not available in the late '90s to pull this story off. They
could've done it but the note would've had to be on paper, or an email. And
what's the fun of that? Instead the producers did the right thing. They
waited until the science was where it needed to be to really give America
the type of topnotch storytelling they demand in a sequel they never asked
for to a movie they didn't really like all that much in the first place and
had mostly forgotten about.
The filmatism here is in some ways better than your standard DTV, in other
ways exactly as bad. On the good side, the photography looks pretty nice. It
looks like it was shot on location in Colorado or if not at least not in the
same spots of L.A. and Vancouver that everything else is shot in. The
opening shot is kind of creepy. You hear a creaking sound and after a while
you see that it's ski gondolas moving in a breeze on a sunny summer day.
That's an unusual image so I was impressed, at least until they came back to
the gondolas about 6 or 7 times (one of the characters works and even lives
there, at the ski lift place).
The editing on the movie is annoying though, avid farts all over the place.
And they commit one of the top sins of bad horror: a fuckin avalanche of
fake scares, usually accompanied by some kind of unnatural thunder clap or
whoosh or something. In this movie the characters are suddenly startled by:
a cop with a flashlight (WHOOSH!)
some crows flying
a clock radio
the gondolas suddenly turning on
a guy riding a gondola
the sheriff suddenly appearing (BOOM!)
the gondolas turning on again
a guy suddenly appearing with a crowbar so it looks like a hook (BANG!)
a friend sneaking up and tapping somebody on the shoulder
a guy banging a pan
a door opening
etc.
When you do those type of things once or twice it seems cheap, especially if
it's only the soundtrack that makes it startling. When you do it over and
over again, it just makes you look like an asshole. Come on director Sylvain
White, you can do better than this. I don't know you but I know the
potential of humanity so I know you don't have to be pulling these types of
shenanigans. If man can invent text messaging then SURELY he can invent ways
to actually be scary instead of just saying BOO! over and over again.
And by the way, speaking of sound effects, there's one thing I'd like to
point out to the sound effects people. I know I'm no expert on your field
but it has occurred to me before that in order to get the sound of metal
striking metal, you need two separate pieces of metal. If you only have one
hook, that is not gonna make a metal against metal sound every time you pull
it out or swing it around. It's just gonna make the sound of one hook:
nothing. Consider that in future productions, please.
I am not recommending this movie, but I do have to admit that after a slow
start I did get some good laughs here and there. There's lots of funny-bad
dialogue like when a girl says "Would you chill? Nothing's gonna happen in
the next 2 minutes." (Actual time before killer appears: 10 seconds.)
The weirdest scene is when a character is overcome by guilt and decides to
kill himself. There's a montage where he drinks, has some pills, writes a
suicide note, and then starts to slit his wrist with the actual fisherman
hook that he got on ebay. Suddenly he is startled by a noise. Hmmm, I'll go
investigate, then come back and finish committing suicide. He sees what
looks like the silhouette of the fisherman behind a curtain and pulls it
open to reveal... a coat. And he says, "Coat."
Of course he ends up getting killed, which is ironic since he was about to
kill himself anyway. This is probaly an homage to the opening of SWORD OF
DOOM where an old man prays to be taken to the afterlife and then gets
murdered by a crazy ronin. Or maybe not.
The one crazy thing that happens that almost makes it dumb enough to be
worth your while is the surprise twist of who the killer is. Sometimes I've
been pretty cavalier about giving away this type of stuff (the guy from
Felicity is the killer, the girl is a guy, he's a ghost, it's people, etc.)
but in a franchise like this that means so much to people on so many
different levels, I'm not gonna
S
P
O
I
L
E
R
W
A
R
N
I
N
G
this
is
a
spoiler
coming
up
it's
who
the
killer
is
TURN BACK NOW
DON'T DO IT
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***ALMOST TO SPOILER ZONE GO AWAY***
LAST THREE CHANCES
1
2
3
OKAY ONE MORE CHANCE TO BE SAFE
1
TOO BAD YOU BLEW IT HERE IS THE SPOILER
In the last scene Jennifer Love Hewitt runs out, naked from the knees up and
covered in blood, swinging the hook and cackling about revenge. Nah just
fuckin with you, this is a decoy spoiler. If this had been an actual spoiler
she would've had her clothes on.
S
P
O
I
Okay, enough fucking around. The twist is that the killer is not the
Sheriff, not the Sheriff's other sons, not the guilt ridden co-conspirator,
not any of the red herrings. It is, in fact, some kind of zombie or ghost of
the original fisherman from parts 1 and 2. Because a group of kids kept a
secret, it somehow brought him out of the grave, maybe summoned his corpse
to swim from the Bahamas to Colorado. (It could happen, he had a year.) So
bullets don't hurt him and neither does running over him in the car. But
they do have his original murder hook from ebay, and that's the silver
bullet. (He has his own separate hook, either it's a ghost hook or he picked
up a new one on the way from the Bahamas.)
Although it's the same character it's not Muse Watson anymore, it's Don
Shanks, who played Michael Meyers in HALLOWEEN 5. I'm not gonna blame
Shanks, but this fisherman doesn't seem like he's trying as hard these days.
Very little creative expression involved in his murders. He pretty much just
sticks with hooking people. In one part he sneaks up on the beefy Anthony
Michael Hall-looking jock guy and hooks his Achilles tendon. But come on,
fisherman. The Achilles tendon is the only weakness of ACHILLES. This is a
totally different guy, so he survives. Do your research, fisherman.
The closest thing to a creative kill is when he impales a guy on a forklift.
But even then he doesn't have to make the effort of driving the forklift
into the guy, it just happens to be there with the platform raised to the
right level. So he got lucky. (Unless it was him who put the forklift there,
maybe he prepared this well in advance, in which case I take back this
criticism and tip my hat to the guy for his in-depth planning. But also I'd
have to question who parked that tractor that caused this whole new mess in
the first place.)
And let's be honest, even in his glory days the fisherman was at best a
C-list movie stalker. Even in the annals of hook-users he barely makes it
into the top 5. Captain Hook is clearly better, and has the hook for a hand.
Candyman is better, and has the hook for a hand, AND has bees inside his
chest. And it goes without saying that William Devane in ROLLING THUNDER
(who again has the hook for a hand) is better. And for number four, I'd have
to go with Kareem for his sky hook. The fisherman does good work on occasion
but well below the standard of these 4, not to mention the fact that he has
two hands and just holds the hook. Which is kind of cheating.
So anyway. I gotta admit that the basic idea behind these stories is kinda
compelling. For an ordinary person, to be responsible for somebody's death
and to keep it a secret is a horrible scenario. Man, you never figured on
being a murderer, and now all the sudden you got that around your neck for
the rest of your life. You can just imagine the guilt of being responsible
for something like that and the fear of being found out at any moment. Your
life would never be the same, you'd always have it hanging over you. The
thing is though, these movies have this theme of personal responsibility,
but the heroes never do take responsiblity for their actions. Yeah, they
kill the magic zombie fisherman murderer, but their friend is still dead and
they still haven't admitted that they did it. They do tell the idiot police
department that "I couldn't really see his face. But he's not from around
here. Just some crazy guy... He won't bother anybody again." And apparently
the police consider that case closed, so there's one loose end they've lied
shut.
It seems like this "zombie fisherman who haunts kids who accidentally killed
somebody and covered it up" premise is meant to open up the franchise to
infinite new possibilities, but there is one problem. Titles. The world will
only accept so many I ALSO REMEMBER WHAT YOU OTHER KIDS DID LAST SUMMER type
titles before it becomes too silly. At this point it is at the top level of
acceptable silliness before it spills over into permanent joke. So the
series has four more in it, tops. Maybe five.
thanks,
Vern
http://www.geocities.com/outlawvern
http://www.lulu.com/outlawvern
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+ Expand All
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...to know that this is really gonna suck.
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This is an "I Know What You Did Last Summer" talkback, after all.
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Why can't they pair Vern with Roger Ebert - and give him his own special at Cannes - the man is a genius!
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He should show up in a movie with all the other horror serial killers - Michael Myers, Jason, Leatherface, Freddy, Henry, the Leprechaun, the Wishmaster, etc etc etc - and they all just laugh at him until he goes away and tries to start over as a crossing guard killer or something.
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since IMDB lists the fisheman in the cast list.
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bounce
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We all knew that was coming... I mean it's so gosh darn obvious isn't it. It HAS to be a zombie... for sure!
Sounds like it's on par with Urban Legend 3 lol... -
at what you reviewed this summer...
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Hahahaha.
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Jun 24, 2006 11:03:31 PM CDT
The paragraph starting "You see?" is the funniest one..
by the wrong guy
I've ever read on here. Gold, Vern. Pure gold. :)
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Really unnecessary movies for five hundred Alex.
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Starring an untalented unknown cast, low grade effects and a shit storyline with a totally implausible killer!!!!
The question... "What is... part 3 of most horror series!" -
Being a fisherman that is. No, not the weekend fish off a pier type, the go out on a boat for months type. Somewhat ironic that the fisherman is a killer. Anyway, they should make a new category of movie a notch below "Direct To Video/DVD" called "direct to $1.99 bin at Walmart".
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Jun 24, 2006 11:26:11 PM CDT
I wish the skateboarder's spirit merged w/ fisherman...
by big bad clone
so he could hook kids and then do an awesome trick off their bloody corpse.
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HANG TEN CORPSES DUDE!!!!
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I smell a bunch of studio execs who said... 'Why don't we zombify the guy like they did with Jason in part 6!!!! Fish! Zombies! FISH ZOMBIE!!!'
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"...since IMDB lists the fisheman in the cast list."
The fact that someone plays "the fisherman", doesn't automatically mean he's the killer in this movie. It could hypothetically have been a flashback or something. But even if you assume that, the fact that its on IMDB doesnt make it less of a spoiler. It just makes it a spoiler on IMDB. Nice review Vern. -
What did you do?
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I got to the part about the ghost hook. Wahahaaa that was cheesy.....
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Funniest reviews ever come from you! One Question Though: why in the world would anyone want to see this movie if it doesn't have JLH... or at least JLH's Boobies in it? Are the boobies of the JLH-stand-in's passable? that is to say, how do they rate as compared to other b-horror heroines? PS: Vern, please review the new gay SUPERMAN movie!!
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1. There is a guy dressed up as a fisherman throughout the movie, as described above. The identity of the fisherman is not revealed until the end. It is not the fact that there IS a fisherman that is a surprise, it's that it's the SAME fisherman from before and not a new guy dressing up as him as you would naturally assume. 2. No, I did not exactly examine them but there were no boobies that particularly stood out in this picture. 3. I will probaly review Superman on my own sight but please lay off the gays, especially on their pride weekend.
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http://www.jacksparrow.jp/potc3/
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Or at least you deserve a medal for sitting through this movie and then writing about it. Way to take one for the team. You wrote a review that is probably infinitely more enjoyable and entertaining than the movie itself.
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the only reason anyone watched the first 2 was Jennifer Love Hewitts breasts. If it ain't going to have those sweet,sweet titties in it, there can be no more franchise.
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That's the most hillarious review I have ever read! I've got to go and wash a huge sarcasm stain out of my underwear now. I can't wait for "I don't fucking give a shit what you did last summer" movie to come out!
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Hell I might rent this for a good laugh...
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Real deal or hoax???
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Who cares?
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they had to wait to make this sequel until the technology caught up lol...sort of like Lucas did with Star Wars....maybe now they'll make Leprechaun 3 as well
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what the fuck are they trying to prove. I watched the When A Stranger Calls remake the other day and there's a bunch of ridiculous avid farts in the first few minutes, but then none for the rest of the movie. Which was a pleasant surprise... after those first few I thought it was gonna be wall to wall.
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Ooh, it does annoy me!
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And the POTC3 script looks like it could be real, but every page from 52 is missing
You don't happen to have a script likn for the second one, do you? -
if its real jack def didnt have a spell check.
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damn, that sounds like one of those orange ads they have in the UK to remind folk to switch off their mobiles, where the orange execs wreck movie pitches by suggesting that they use mobile phones in some dopey way. except this time, for real.
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that
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This should be in theaters! You just KNOW that if they marketed it well it would make millions even in it's current state of shitness!
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this sounds hilariously bad. i may have to rent it just for a good laugh or two.
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It's wayyyy underrated.
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I'm with Zorak5. INFINITELY more entertaining that the movie itself. The TB is almost as good, too. I'm wiping the tears...
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They had text messaging in 1997.
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The Fisherman vs Leprechaun vs Wishmaster. A trailer for that alone would be better than this new "I know what you did" movie. But not better than that Leprechaun vs Wishmaster trailer they have somewhere here on the site. That thing is the biggest piece of merde ever commited to celuloid. And more sequels to the fisherman-with-a-hook films? Um, I know what is going to suck next summer.
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I'll be waiting for "AT SOME POINT YOU'LL THINK I'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT YOU DID A FEW SUMMERS AGO, BUT IN FACT THAT WILL BE WHEN IT IS MOST VIVID IN MY MIND"
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But a zombie as the killer? Ridiculous. I still think it's stupid that they refer to it as "last summer" when it's been many years ago.
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"Direct to video?" I mean...how many direct-to-video movies have there been that don't suck?
Still, top-notch review, Vern. And yeah, the "you see" paragraph just killed me. -
you never disappoint, even if the movies you review do. actually i don't give a shit about any of 'em, i just want to read your reviews.
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I'll have to think about seeing this (but not actually see it) just to get some insight. BTW...fuckin funny review! I loved it! Keep on trucking!
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Jun 25, 2006 8:25:42 PM CDT
Add this one to your next book, Vern. Grade A review!!
by wacksonwacksoff
The ONLY reason why I visit AICN. Yes, THE ONLY reason! All the other times are just because I'm an internet whore, and have nothing better to do.
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I am glad the movie was made just so I could read this review.
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Jun 25, 2006 10:21:16 PM CDT
Dammit, you only gave me like 12 fucking warnings......
by thunder mammoth
and then you BLEW the ENDING for me! thanks a lot, man. ----- very entertaining review, Vern. You've got a lot of guts for getting through that flick.
but, i think i'll save my money for the 2010 DTV of, "I Still Don't Quite Remember What You Did the Summer Before the Last One, but It Must've Been Bad." -
Are you flirting with Vern? Wow. I, um...didn't...I didn't realize you were...ya know...a blatant homosexual.
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Jun 26, 2006 2:03:59 AM CDT
"I don't know you but I know the potential of humanity"
by darth bono jr.
Well played, Vern. Well played. No need to dump on a guy who might still come into his own. You're a good man, buddy.
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You heard me, little kid.
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He's just another little moron, soon to be banned for some outrageous anti-Semitic comment. He's like Homewrecker (RIP), but with a lower IQ and a smaller penis. He too shall pass.
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how embarassing
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good review Vern. "I knew" it would suck...the real hook is sitting on my mantle...and that is where it is gonna stay.
Muse -
remake the original! Notes on paper is old hat. Remake the original with txt mssgs!!
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How does the Fisherman Zombie have their cell phone numbers and how can he work a mobile phone? Surely he only knows how to gut people (and fish)...?
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needs to be in ANY sequel."I know what you did last Summer..... The Fish Whisperer." JayJew is your sole purpose to piss people off? If so, kudos and a job well done. You're an ass clown bro. Plain and Simple. But hey you enjoy jerkin' off to Jennifer Love Hewitt back when she was on Party of 5. Just sayin'. Great review Vern. Ya may have made me pee a little.
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DO NOT DEBATE ME ON THIS...for I can play the theme to Party of 5 on my sweet casio keyboard!!
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That puts it over the top, right there. Nice work, Vern!
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I'm getting tired of this shit in movies where the bad guy sits around on the computer all day sending strange IM's to everyone. I can do that shit at home.
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If so, you were a much scarier fisherman. Not just because you were alive but because you had a more intimidating look and, let's face it, more panache with the hook. I don't usually use the word panache, but I have to call it like I see it. Good job on those.
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WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, BUT IF YOU KEEP EMAILING ME YOUR VACATION PHOTOS I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ONE BY ONE.
Vern is the best.
Muse Watson gave a very realistic performance as possibly the actual actor in his post here.
Jayjew you are not the least bit clever or funny, barely excused by the fact that you are probably 14. Exclamation points don't help. -
A group of stoners forget that they escaped The Fisherman the previous summer and spend the current summer hiding out from jobs and school.
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Jun 26, 2006 1:17:44 PM CDT
Somehow it's not until a little later that they notice
by eighteenseconds
"that P.J. never landed his awesome skateboard trick, and was impaled on a tractor." ...this sounds amazing enough in itself to be the sole reason i see this movie. oh, and the guy banging the pans.
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thank you. i practised so much with the hook that i could flip it three times in the air and catch it in a back hand swing..LOL..the producers wanted me to do it in the film...the director thought it was too much...LOL Love watched me take every leaf off of a bush one at a time with aim...LOL that scared her....
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I guess he has an e-mail account too, and maybe carries an i-pod with him?
That was a great review! -
This movie sounds full of impossible penetrations and ridiculous reamings and runnings-through. I want to see exactly how the SK8R gets impaled on a tractor. I must know.
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of fake scares. With accompanying fake-scare soundtrack. The actual killer wouldn't appear until the sequel.
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and it still didnt capture the absolute and utter brilliance of this film. this film is total "bestworst". i saw it ages ago. and was laughing about it for months with my friends.
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heheehh
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He belongs in the Library of America's big new anthology of American film criticism. Seriously.
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I agree
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