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Vern checks in to ROADHOUSE 2... No, Really... It's a Real Movie...

Hey folks, Harry here with Vern's latest review of something odd and amazing... namely ROAD HOUSE 2. Now I want to clarify something for Vern and lots of you. I honestly feel that if you are not of comic lover, there's a very good chance you'll like X3. And just because you haven't read as much, or if you can divorce what you've read from what the film was... or however you approached X3... you're absolutely right and valid in your opinion. There are no wrong opinions... unless you're a Republican. Giggle. Anyway - here's ROADHOUSE 2 and VERN - enjoy...

My dear readers,

Well hopefully you guys missed it but I guess I kind of blew it with my last review here. I did X-MEN PART 3 which I remember enjoying but it turns out I was incorrect. There was some sort of error involving a magic crystal and fire birds or something like that, it's kind of over my head but the point is I didn't know enough about comic book graphic novel funnies to really grasp the true meaning of that movie. They're telling me I was mistaken. Sorry nerds.

Okay, so I don't know the Darth Phoenix Saga from the Phoenix Suns. So sue me. But don't be such a Magneto. The Ain't It Cool News is big enough for comic book fundamentalists and infidels alike. We can live in peace and we can share our passion for the films of cinema and/or DVD. All I can do to make things right is return to an area I have more expertise in than children's comic strip books: the area of straight to video sequels to ROAD HOUSE. I dare any one of you fuckers to question my credibility on this topic. You can't.

Now let's get something straight. Nobody asked for a new chapter in the ROAD HOUSE saga. Because chapter 1 said it all. So making a movie like this is playing with fire. You come back this many years later and you don't have Patrick Swayze, you gotta be careful. You gotta respect the characters, you gotta respect the mythology, you gotta respect the fans. And what are the chances of that happening?

To be frankly honest I do not trust Sony to produce a high quality DTV sequel. The best they've done is probaly STARSHIP TROOPERS 2 just 'cause it's got bugs crawling out of brains and shit like that. HOLLOW MAN 2 is mediocre and then you have WILD THINGS 2 and 3 and CRUEL INTENTIONS 2 and 3, and all four of those are empty retreads of the originals that don't capture the sleazy texture and ridiculous twists that mean so much to us fans who grew up on, or at least once watched, or in some cases probaly masturbated to, the original works. If you are one of these casual viewers who didn't understand the Shannon-Tweed-movie-inhaling-mercury vibe of John McNaughton's original WILD THINGS then maybe you would be fine with WILD THINGS DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH, because you get to see boobs in one or two parts if I remember right. But for those of us who really get it, we can see what a waste of potential it is and what an insult it is to the source material, the fans, Jesus, America, etc.

Scott Ziehl, the director of ROAD HOUSE 2 (IMDB lists the subtitle "Last Call," but that's not on the box), doesn't have anything in his past to suggest he can fill the shoes of Rowdy Herrington. I've seen CRUEL INTENTIONS 3 and EARTH VS. THE SPIDER, and neither is anything to write Ain't It Cool News about. Believe me, I tried, but I couldn't come up with anything.

But when ROAD HOUSE 2 starts you get hit with this energetic opening credits montage involving a swamp, small planes, giant bags of cocaine, crack pipes and vials, swamp boats, guns, nefarious transactions, crocodiles and a slo-mo a butterfly knife, all set to horrible white man's blues rock. The credits end with a dramatic shot of Playmate-looking identically dressed twin cowgirls driving up to a bar called the Black Pelican in a yellow sports car. These girls are on the cover, but I can't figure out if they are even in the movie after they get out of the car. What I'm getting at is, this movie is something special, at least as far as DTV sequels starring Johnathon Schaech go. Not that I've seen 8MM 2, but I'm just guessing. ROAD HOUSE 2 doesn't have as many amazing lines as the original, it doesn't have Ben Gazarra or Sam Elliot, and it uses that annoying approach where they repeat a bunch of lines from the original ("I thought you'd be bigger," "be nice," etc.) But believe me, I've watched alot of terrible DTV sequels and I was amazed at how much this captured the unique ROAD HOUSE feel. I didn't even know it was possible.

If you haven't seen the original, what the fuck is your problem. Patrick Swayze (the pedophile from DONNIE DARKO to you kids) plays Dalton, the world's second best cooler, a philosophy major turned asskicker who's hired to come clean up a ridiculously violent bar in Missouri. It turns out the town is under the thumb of Ben Gazarra (THE KILLING OF A CHINESE BOOKIE) so Pat takes his shirt off, does a bunch of kickboxing, falls in love with a sexy doctor, and says ridiculous shit like "Pain don't hurt." My favorite part is near the end when Ben Gazarra says, "I see you've found my trophy room. The only thing missing is YOUR ASS!" The movie is jampacked with gems like that. The sequel is not such a constantly rewarding treasure trove of awesomeness, but it's got enough of the same spirit to be admirable.

I'd figure anybody who'd make a sequel to ROAD HOUSE would know that the original is funny, so they'd try to make theirs funny and ruin everything. Not the case here. Somehow they approach it with the exact same seriousness. In a way it's a miracle, like the birth of Christ or the flying of Super-man. The story revolves around The Black Pelican, a remote Louisiana bar owned by Nate Tanner (Will Patton). Nate shows off his fighting skills and bouncer technique at the beginning, so you assume it's a loose remake with him as a new Pat Swayze type. A former Black Pelican employee named Wild Bill (Jake Busey - the young man's Gary Busey) is trying to buy the place for drug trafficking purposes, but Nate won't sell. So WIld Bill and his gang ambush Nate. He kicks all of their asses until a sexy female knife thrower struts in out of nowhere and makes a pincushion out of him.

Next we meet Nate's nephew Shane Tanner (Schaech), a DEA agent in New York who is so cool he wears his DEA t-shirt while undercover. Another agent disguised as a stripper pretends to arrest him, then brings him into the VIP lounge for a lap dance. Because it's important for the hero to make a good entrance.

When Shane finds out his uncle is in the hospital he first mentions that someone killed his father, then drives to Louisiana ("I don't fly. Too dangerous"). He takes charge at the Black Pelican, "a hotbed of drug activity" that's "destined for trouble." When he gets there the staff recognizes him as "Dalton's kid" and we finally realize that he's the son of Swayze's character, out to avenge the murder of his father. It turns out Dalton travelled alot (true, we saw that in the original) so Shane was raised by his uncle Nate, who taught him how to kickbox. And he learned how to bounce, or cool, or whatever, from watching both his uncle and his dad. He tries to recite Dalton's Three Rules from the original but the staff already knows them. I'm sure it's posted on the wall somewhere.

There are many reasons why this is a worthwhile DTV sequel. Number one, it's full of action. "Intense, Nonstop Action is on Tap!" says the back cover. There's alot more fighting in this one than you get in modern Seagal movies, or even some of Van Damme's, which is especially impressive since you're actually watching a ROAD HOUSE picture more for the dialogue than the action. You get alot of punching, alot of bashing heads into things, some flying stools, an occasional unnecessary flip or exploding car. There's a shootout where jars of martini olives are collateral damage (thank God the maraschino cherries are spared). Maybe the best part is when a Benedict Arnold bouncer is making a phone call and behind him you suddenly see Shane ram through the window using a garbage can lid as a shield.

In the original classic there's a yuppie bar brawl where, for the first time on the silver screen, a woman is kicked in the balls. RH2 doesn't go that route but there are at least 6 male balls kicked in this movie (assuming none of these guys ever had testicular cancer). The most damaging groin attack is actually the love interest kicking Schaech in the balls as part of their courtship.

Which brings me to the number two reason why this is worthy. There is all kinds of ridiculous shit that happens, and goofy characters and inexplicable behavior. I don't know why, when Shane says to his obviously smitten new acquaintance, "Hey, I didn't get your name," she chooses to flip him the bird and drive off. Or why the evil girl knife thrower grabs a random lady in the bar by her blonde hair and licks her face. I can't even fully account for the part where Shane reaches into his pants and tucks his dick in. I've only seen the movie twice though so I'm sure there's some nuance and subtext and what not I haven't picked up on yet.

Although he's obviously no Ben Gazarra, Busey's character Wild Bill is a good chump villain with his bad goatee, loud shirt and cowboy boots. In one scene he makes out with two chicks in a hot tub while sharing a drink and discussing business with his lawyer. In another scene he holds a cane while sitting on a couch, which in my opinion is not a necessary time to hold a cane. He's real over the top, like when he flips out and yells at his underlings, suddenly slaps one of them and then pulls a gun on the guy who interrupts to tell him there's a phone call. Instead of telling them to kill, though, he tells them to "get on the horn with the lawyers." Actually, later he does order a murder. "Tonight at last call. Don't bother me with the details."

Definitely the funniest scene for Wild Bill is when he loads up his whole team of thugs and rides a skiff up to the love interest's porch. All he says is, "Stay away from that pretty boy over at the Pelican tonight. Unless you want to get yourself killed." Then he makes a little twirly gesture with his finger and they turn the boat around and float away. I guess his thugs must like riding around in boats otherwise they would've pointed out that it would be easier to call her.

For once Will Patton plays a nice guy, and even when he's in the hospital he gets to fight. Wild Bill tries to ambush him but he sneaks out of his bed, somehow switches into an orderly outfit (including shower cap) and fights with a mop. He says, "You can't settle things with your fists and sweat anymore," but he keeps trying anyway. Shane doesn't get stabbed all the time like Dalton in the original, but Nate does. It's not clear if he has a sexy doctor to sew him up. Since Shane doesn't get cut up too bad he doesn't need one, but he does have a sexy ex-Army grade school teacher who he screws up against a wall and then later she backs him up with a shotgun.

None of this would work if they had chosen the wrong guy to play Shane. I don't know how the fuck they did it but they found the exact right guy to play Swayze's son. A while back I wrote about this sequel being in the works and I said they should get "a Jim Belushi or a Coolio type" to play Swayze's character. That would've been funny but they knew what they were doing when they got this Schaech guy. He must've studied the Swayze filmography and practiced in his backyard for years because he just has a Swayze feel down perfectly. He talks like him, he acts like him, he kicks like him. The only thing missing is the ridiculous hair. Schaech really puts alot into the movie because in addition to starring, he apparently did a rewrite of the script with his partner Richard Chizmar. The ol' database of internet movies says they have written a bunch of stuff together including a Stephen King adaptation called "From a Buick 8" that George Romero is trying to do. (You know how George Romero is always trying to do a Stephen King movie. It's just one of those things.)

I'm not stupid. I know ROAD HOUSE fans are going to ask a LOT of this movie. So I gotta be clear, this is not a 100% perfect sequel. There is no mention of Sam Elliot's mentor character, Wade Garrett, the one guy who is a better cooler than Dalton. Many of us Road-fans have dreamed for years of seeing Wade Garrett return as a Ben Kenobi style advice-giving ghost. Unfortunately Sony doesn't have the balls to deliver what the fans demand and have instead made a safe DTV sequel for the general audience who are not as educated about these matters. Alot of people will feel betrayed because Sony chose to kill off Dalton, and off screen. It doesn't even sound like he put up a fight. The son says he found him dead in the living room. He doesn't even mention if any of the furniture was smashed. That's not the end we want this franchise to have. The more I think about it the more I fuckin hate this bullshit. You can't just shit in a ziploc and tell us it's pudding you sorry sons of bitches.

Nah I'm just fuckin with you boys. If you love ROAD HOUSE, I think this is actually worth renting for a laugh. It is in the higher tier of DTV sequels, even if no women are kicked in the balls. The only bad news is you gotta wait until July 11th to see it.

Until then, everybody be nice will ya,

Vern

My Glorious Home

The Add On Out Back

p.s. This is a serious review, if you motherfuckers keep writing "Vern again with another hilarious review" at the top you're gonna ruin me. Show me some respect or I might have to move to Cineaste or Film Comment or somewhere like that.

Readers Talkback
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  • May 27, 2006, 12:35 a.m. CST

    Swayze's so dreamy...

    by seppukudkurosawa

    Or is that nightmarey? Either way, Road House 2? Hell fucking yeah, the original is what made me want to be a bouncer. And a lack of muscles is what made me want to become a computer engineer. And an inability to work my way around computers is what made me want to be a lumberjack. And a fear of tree's crushing me is what made me say, "Fuck work!" and devote my life to reading Vern reviews instead.

  • May 27, 2006, 12:36 a.m. CST

    So is Nate's mom

    by slder78

    the doc from the original?

  • May 27, 2006, 12:51 a.m. CST

    Vern please clarify

    by JudgeNXcutioner

    does the 6 balls kicked equal 3 pairs of balls kicked or 6 guys kicked in the crotch? thanks

  • May 27, 2006, 12:55 a.m. CST

    I Have Never Read An X-Men Comic...And I Hated It!

    by Hell's Cigarette

    I watched the X-Men cartoon growing up, but I don't have the level of appreciation for the comics that Harry, et al do. I hated this film for a multitude of reasons and I want my $8 refunded from Fox. Hell, my father and my step-mother loved the first two films, have never read an X-Men comic and hated X3...it's mediocre trash that is worse than Batman Forever, chiefly because it ruined an entire story arc instead of providing satisfaction for fans of the FILMS, not just the comics. Singer & Co. built something with the first two films that Fox completely obliterated. Yes, Batman Forver and Batman & Robin are steaming piles, but stand-alone steaming piles nonetheless. I actually think Harry is insulting the fans of the FILMS that are not familiar with the comics by insinuating that because we may not be familiar with the Dark Phoenix storyline, that means we're total morons who will swallow shit for an hour and a half and ignore the first two films in the trilogy. I also take issue for giving Ratface a pass on this one. I can't even forgive the guy for Red Dragon...he's almost as bad with visuals as Kevin Smith and that's really saying something.

  • May 27, 2006, 1:09 a.m. CST

    thanks for the endless review

    by ZO

    why do all "reviewers" here have to try and be witty and funny? Just review the movie. you're not funny. you're boring.

  • May 27, 2006, 1:11 a.m. CST

    FIFTH!!!!!

    by BatPsycho

    this is so sad i just dont even have a comment for it.....

  • May 27, 2006, 1:14 a.m. CST

    now don't be insulting WT3...

    by Everett Robert

    it's got a lot more lesbianism in it and a yummy Dina Myer, too bad not naked but still...anyways, this seems like a riot, I'll be chekcing it out *grins*

  • May 27, 2006, 1:14 a.m. CST

    yo Zo...

    by The Skeptical

    Vern is funny.

  • May 27, 2006, 1:14 a.m. CST

    Damn that review was hilarious...

    by seppukudkurosawa

    I'm sorry Vern, but you're wrong on that one. It really was a funny review. I'm starting to think you know very little about reviews if you can't recognise the genius of this one... In fact, I think you should butt out of the review reviewing field, leave that to us who know what we're doing. Stick to the actual reviews buddy-boy. Geeze. ;-) Good one.

  • May 27, 2006, 1:17 a.m. CST

    I just read my post

    by Everett Robert

    and I come across like a total perv, I'm sorry I was just pointing out a difference between the original wild things and the thrid one...and I'm going to shut up now before I get myself in trouble...

  • May 27, 2006, 1:34 a.m. CST

    answers to all your questions

    by Vern

    slder78: they don't say who the mother is but I'm guessing Shane was already born when the first one took place. In other words Dalton is a deadbeat dad. Another outrageous insult to the ROAD HOUSE mythos. JudgeNXcutioner: unfortunately it is only 3 pairs of balls and not 6. That's my count, I might have missed some. Hell's Cigarette: ROAD HOUSE 2 is being put out by Sony, not Fox. But I'm sorry your family hated it so much. ZO: I think you're in the wrong talkback or something but I'm sure whoever you're talking about will appreciate your helpful wisdom, unless they mistake you for some kind of whiny douchebag. Everett: WT3 is an outrage, Brett Ratner should be executed for it, etc. Kurosawa: quit making fun of me.

  • May 27, 2006, 1:50 a.m. CST

    I'll be checking it out...

    by Captain Happy

    RH is a great film...& if anybody disagrees with me I'll kick your ass!

  • May 27, 2006, 2:18 a.m. CST

    "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!"

    by Rolnikov

    Thanks to Mike Nelson for opening my eyes to the genius of Roadhouse. Sounds like the sequel is worth a look.

  • May 27, 2006, 2:38 a.m. CST

    "Nobody ever wins a fight."

    by moviemaniac-7

    Dalton's Buddhistic wisdom. More of these reviews and less everybody-reviews-the-same-fucking-movie, please. More DTV stuff like this! And, because of this review, I might actually see this.

  • May 27, 2006, 3:07 a.m. CST

    Thanks, Vern, for the seal of approval

    by DocPazuzu

    Without your go-ahead, I would never deign to watch anything purporting to be a sequel to one of the greatest post-pubber trash epics in history. This one is definitely on my list now. On a side note -- I can't wait for Heywood Jablowme to come in and tell you that it's spelled "Superman", not "Super-Man".

  • May 27, 2006, 5:26 a.m. CST

    Ok...ROADHOUSE 2...HUH? WHA? WHAT THE-?!!! (NM)

    by Negative Man

  • May 27, 2006, 6:58 a.m. CST

    More Republican jokes please

    by BannedOnTheRun

    I haven't laughed so hard since RV.

  • May 27, 2006, 7:01 a.m. CST

    Road House blows ass.....

    by BatPsycho

    That movie sucks harder that Brett Rattner at a truckstop bathroom.

  • May 27, 2006, 7:01 a.m. CST

    TOO SOON!!!!

    by ECUPirate71

    Just last night one of my friends was thrown out of a bar by a bouncer in Louisiana. Many people will not be ready for this film, yet.

  • May 27, 2006, 7:30 a.m. CST

    Vern Again with another HILARIOUS Review

    by kevinwillis.net

    Phew! That was HI-larious! I just about busted a gut. Road House without Patrick Swayze is like Dirty Dancing 2 without Patrick Swayze. Oh, wait, they did that. But what's the point? Patrick Swayze was Road House. It would be just like if George Lucas did a series of prequels to Star Wars and completely fucked them up by making them as lame as humanly possible. Does anybody really want that? Vote "NO" on HR-ROADHOUSE2, and give Patrick Swayze his due.

  • May 27, 2006, 7:37 a.m. CST

    speaking of off-screen deaths: in Point Break...

    by HypeEndsHere

    you never actually see Swayze die. Keanu says "He's not coming back." and that's it. Hell-fuckin'-Oh! let's get on this DTV sequel already.

  • May 27, 2006, 8:16 a.m. CST

    Next of Kin 2!

    by TELF

    Steel Dawn 2! Give the people sequels they actually WANT to see. Good work Vern. When this comes on Cable, I will NOT instantly change the channel.

  • May 27, 2006, 8:18 a.m. CST

    Does anyone get "Nipple to nipple"?

    by TELF

    "Play some music with Balls!" That movie just came from a different dimension, didn't it...?

  • May 27, 2006, 9:02 a.m. CST

    Road House was the first 18 or R movie I ever got into

    by Teamwak

    I was only 15 at the time. So this movie I remember very fondly. Patrick Swayze was very cool playing the Cooler, like a bouncer only harder and more Zen like. He spends the whole movie beating people up whilst never loosing his cool. In one favourite scene he gets stabbed and odesnt break his step or lose his temper as he disarms the man and throws it out. He then sews up his arm without anistentic. How cool is that! lol

  • May 27, 2006, 9:05 a.m. CST

    "You gon' be my regular Saturday night thing, baby!"

    by HypeEndsHere

    it had to be mentioned.

  • May 27, 2006, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Poor Jake Busey

    by Teamwak

    It all started off so well. Great parts in the Frighteners, Tomcats, Starship Troopers, and even a Christian suicide bomber in Contact with Jodie Foster. All very nice. Now he is playing in DTV hell. Hope he changes agents and gets more crazy-man roles in bigger movies. Every generation should have a Busey.

  • May 27, 2006, 9:17 a.m. CST

    Cobra 2 with Stallone!!

    by bigdickmcgee

    He's available.

  • May 27, 2006, 9:32 a.m. CST

    Shane kicks a woman in the balls and cheets on his wife

    by Squashua

    I'm almost interested in seeing this; my lady loves her some Roadhouse.

  • May 27, 2006, 9:43 a.m. CST

    Nice "Killing of a Chinese Bookie" reference, Vern

    by Drunken Rage

    Made me laugh out loud.

  • May 27, 2006, 9:53 a.m. CST

    Vern you made my weekend

    by Media Fiend

    I too have an unhealthy appetite for DTV cheese. I wish Rowdy was back but diseased minded beggars can't be choosers.Goin' to Netflix to queue this up right now.

  • May 27, 2006, 10:08 a.m. CST

    "Double Douche" - - Sam Elliott (upon seeing the bar)

    by HypeEndsHere

  • May 27, 2006, 10:52 a.m. CST

    this movie will be my christmas

    by LarryTheCableGuy

    finally the light shines upon thee. i love roadhouse. lcg out!

  • May 27, 2006, 11:20 a.m. CST

    Spoilers! Vern, does the 'kid' know...

    by brycemonkey

    Spoilers! Dalton's signature move of ripping people's throats out? And Jake Busey should be in more movies. (BTW 'Darth Phoenix' killed me.)

  • May 27, 2006, 11:29 a.m. CST

    No, it's not. Real movies play in theatres.

    by Harry Weinstein

    Cannes coverage 'round here has been on the dismal side this year, eh? How many X3 back and forth pissing matches were really necessary? Meanwhile a truckload of cool-ass shit lazily drifted by unmentioned. No CITY OF VIOLENCE, worth mentioning for its gorgeous and dynamic poster art alone. No THE HOST, arguably the sensation of the festival, a monster movie so well recieved additional screenings were added for distribs who couldn't get into the first two sold-out shows. No PRINCESS, the Scandinavian revenge anime bound to get an NC-17 here for extreme violence and sex. That's just a sampling, and that's all stuff that GOT US DISTRIBUTION ALREADY, by Weinstein Company, Magnolia, and Tartan respectively. But X3 sucked/was great/was ok, and Brian Singer's gay. And ROADHOUSE 2? Fucking ROADHOUSE 2 gets more love than THE HOST, a monster movie the New York Times' man on the scene called "the best thing I've seen in Cannes so far this year"? What the FUCK is going on around here that AICN gets pwned by the NEW YORK FUCKING TIMES on news about a potentially classic monster-run-amuck movie? That's SO not cool - they're the very model of the fucking suits this place is supposed to be an alternative to. I understand the deliciousness of the sweet milk of the corporate teat, but there's a reason people come here in the first place. Something to do with cool news or something, I can't seem to remember... the talkbacks are better than the actual site lately.

  • May 27, 2006, 11:47 a.m. CST

    If Vern is into sequels

    by Fred

    Kibakichi 2.

  • May 27, 2006, 12:09 p.m. CST

    Harry W

    by TELF

    I kind of agree. Had lots of fun at Cannes this year. However, one of the redeeming features of this site is that it WILL give RH2 some love... so long as Vern is making the love. But, although this site introduced me to Vern's Sight (Which is Genius... Thanks AICN)I do agree that the main reason I come on here these days is to see what some of my fave TBers are saying. AICN TBs are(amongst other things) loads of fun. Try reading an IMDB or RT TB. Despite all the shite that's posted on these boards, we are still operating on a much funnier, informed and lively playing field than most. But yeah, they should of had someone working Cannes, esp this years fest...

  • May 27, 2006, 12:31 p.m. CST

    Excellent review...

    by Winkleboy

    You actually made me want to see this!

  • May 27, 2006, 12:36 p.m. CST

    Great Review

    by Darth Busey

    I have closely followed the progress of this. I am more looking forward to this than even Snakes On A Plane. The producers did approach Swayze about returning, and he declined. So given that, I have no problem with them killing off his character.

  • May 27, 2006, 12:36 p.m. CST

    Oh Yeah

    by Darth Busey

    I am jazzed that Jake Busey is part of this ensemble.

  • May 27, 2006, 12:56 p.m. CST

    Vern is The Saduahara Ho

    by Guy Gaduois

    of this site. And I don't even know what that means. WWVD, people, let it be your guide. He's never steered me wrong - he's never called me to sell Amway.

  • May 27, 2006, 1:15 p.m. CST

    "more expertise in than children's comic strip books"

    by Voice O. Reason

    X-Men comics? For children? Where have YOU been?

  • May 27, 2006, 1:40 p.m. CST

    "X-Men comics? For children? Where have YOU been?"

    by DocPazuzu

    There's at least one in every talkback. Amazing.

  • May 27, 2006, 1:53 p.m. CST

    Doc...

    by TELF

    You beat me to it... You are a Twain seeking missile!

  • May 27, 2006, 2 p.m. CST

    best line...

    by keyserSOZE

    "I guess his thugs must like riding around in boats otherwise they would've pointed out that it would be easier to call her." now that just cracked me up.

  • May 27, 2006, 2:21 p.m. CST

    Was't Terry Funk in the original?????

    by Barry Egan

  • May 27, 2006, 2:22 p.m. CST

    sounds better than any Michael Gay

    by CuervoJones

  • May 27, 2006, 3:04 p.m. CST

    What I find interesting...

    by OBSD

    is that Vern goes out of his way to make fun of people who didn't like a movie, but stands by and lets people say "EAT SHIT HATERS!" And very few people didn't like X3 because it wasn't accurate to the comics, although you wouldn't know it from the way Vern mocks us. We didn't like it because it was badly written, directed, paced etc, etc. All in all, it just felt hollow to me. I'm supposed to give a shit about these characters before they go all smashy-smashy. Anyway, I don't think it's fair to lump everybody that didn't like a movie into a fanboy stereotype, even if you do think you're being funny while doing it. I know I sound like a whiner but I had a lot of respect for you, Vern. Until yesterday. You didn't have to get so nasty just because you thought you could get some giggles out of it.

  • May 27, 2006, 3:13 p.m. CST

    i believe Vern was feeling a little attacked

    by HypeEndsHere

    himself. It's tough to hear that you're wrong for your opinion of an inconsequential movie. Especially when it's from a group of self-righteous pricks that feel as though they "own" the characters or that they have a vested interest in the movie because they've laid out some dough on the funny books for a few years. so the mocking tone, in my opinion, was directed more at Harry than anyone.

  • May 27, 2006, 3:35 p.m. CST

    Roadhouse 2...A flop in the making

    by Undead Neverhood

    Although the big question is can it do worse than Basic Instinct 2?

  • May 27, 2006, 3:38 p.m. CST

    "I honestly feel that...

    by tiredpm

    ...if you are not of comic lover, there's a very good chance you'll like X3." God, Harry, you do come off as a total wanker. What qualifies someone as a "comic lover" for you? I have a fair few comics, started buying them around 1986, but I'm a DC guy. So should I hate the film because I'm a comics lover? Or will I like the film because I'm not an X-Men reader? But I did read some X-Men...and a bunch of Spiderman...and I have all the Transformers comics published in the UK... How's about you stand by what you say at the end of the paragraph, Harry, and let people make up their own minds and their opinion will be valid without prefacing it with the snobby comment up front? I respect your opinion, I'm sorry you didn't like the film. Now it's time for you to back away -- don't you think that it's time to let it alone? You're going to need counseling at this rate. Oh, and Vern? Your reviews are always tops, mate, keep them coming. You help make "Drunken Friday Night Films" that much easier to choose.

  • May 27, 2006, 3:51 p.m. CST

    It's not that they're covering ROADHOUSE 2 -

    by Harry Weinstein

    - which would make for an amusing "oh yeah, and check this out" slow news day kind of thing, and it's not to bash the review itself, which is very funny. But there is a bunch of other, much cooler shit than a Swayze-free ROADHOUSE direct-to-video sequel going on right now that's just getting rather blatantly ignored - at least by this site.

  • May 27, 2006, 4:05 p.m. CST

    Someone should start a website

    by Alonzo Mosely

    dedicated to DTV sequels, I need a one-stop-shop to know what is on the way in cheeseville, so I can make space in my busy schedule, and by busy schedule I mean nothing of the sort. Also, I likes Vern's work, but wouldn't call myself a fan, however if he is giving out handjobs then where do I sign up? I can always make him wear a Phyllis Diller mask...

  • May 27, 2006, 5:02 p.m. CST

    Harry W...

    by TELF

    True, true... Alonzo, here in the UK Midnight Run is playing right now and it is still genius! Just as a switcheroo, how about some big screen sequels (with A list stars) of DTV gems. My pick? Hollow Point 2... Starring Hugh Jackman as Thomas Ian Griffith, Ian McKellan as Donald Sutherland and Lucy Liu as Tia Carrera. Yes!

  • May 27, 2006, 5:14 p.m. CST

    Definite must-own

    by WONKABAR

  • May 27, 2006, 5:49 p.m. CST

    vern is full of shit...

    by JimmyJoe RedSky

    ...yes vern - "fanboys" are a silly bunch - you should know - being that you are such a huge fanboy yourself... of crap like "roadhouse" - and subsequent straight to cable shit - "roadhouse" was like a gay porn movie with a bigger than average budget - all the woman hating lame inuendo laden one liners and sweaty man on man action made this quite obvious to anyone smart enough to operate a vcr - "oh boy, patrick swayze as the worlds toughest bouncer, and he has the dreamiest mullet to boot" - but vern i do admire your attempts to intellectually disect all of the unfunny misogynist macho violent scared white male junk that made "roudhouse" a textbook example of one the worst mvies of the 90s - bravo

  • May 27, 2006, 6:10 p.m. CST

    Vern, I question your credibility on this topic!

    by brokentusk

    Wait, no, holy shit... I can't!

  • May 27, 2006, 6:21 p.m. CST

    No wonder Christina Applegate dumped this loser!

    by Flim Springfield

    Road House 2????

  • May 27, 2006, 6:38 p.m. CST

    Jimmy Joe RedSky

    by HypeEndsHere

    Road House was from '89.

  • May 27, 2006, 6:45 p.m. CST

    A-Level sequels to DTV 'classics'?

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Fucking genius... Someone get TELP to Hollywood forthwith... Hell COmes to Frogtown II starring Colin Farell as Sam Hell... And yeah I know there was already a Hell come to Frogtown II, but nobody else knows or cares...

  • May 27, 2006, 7:08 p.m. CST

    HypeEndsHere

    by JimmyJoe RedSky

    i saw it in the 90s - my mistake - but who gives a shit - the movie is crap in any decade

  • May 27, 2006, 7:10 p.m. CST

    Salute of the Jugger 2 The Juggening!

    by TELF

    Brad Pitt as Rutger. Or how about Robot Jox 2 (there was a DTV sequel already, but maybe we can convince Singer to ignore it and do his take on the mythos) with Ice Cube as Gary Graham? Beats the endless cycle of remakes and half arsed comic book adaptations...

  • May 27, 2006, 9:40 p.m. CST

    Eye See You 2 starring Sylvester Stallone...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Oh wait...

  • May 28, 2006, 12:06 a.m. CST

    Can't fool me. It's TEEN ROADHOUSE.

    by kabong

    Or it wouldn't have been greenlighted. Greenlit?

  • May 28, 2006, 2:46 a.m. CST

    to OBSD

    by Vern

    No offense meant friend. I'm just teasing. I understand that the fuckin maniacs flinging deranged hatred in my x part 3 talkback are a small minority of Osama bin X-men extremists and don't represent everybody or even most people who didn't like the movie. Yes I was sort of poking fun at the negative X-Men reviews with this one but I was also pointing out that I'm just as obsessive about other things, in this case ROAD HOUSE, as you X-nuts are about X-Men's magic space firebirds. As for standing by while people say "FUCK THE HATERS" or whatever it was, I really don't have the time to respond to every idiot who posts a talkback. If I'm not mistaken "haters" is a term that millionaire rappers with fancy jewels and cars use to describe people who point out that their rhymes are weak. I'm not sure how it became a movie term but I would be suspicious of anybody who uses it, just like people who call movies "flicks." Anyway sorry if you took that review as a serious attack on your values, it was just meant to tease my bud Harry. Thanks OBSD. By the way, if my typing seems extra powerful in this post it is because I shook Steven Seagal's hand earlier tonight. And I am not shitting you, I saw him performing with his blues band and I shook his hand. What I'm saying is, it is a beautiful world, let's all stop fighting and share it. thanks OBSD.

  • May 28, 2006, 5:26 a.m. CST

    Superman flying is NOT a miracle.

    by UltimaRex

    All of Superman's powers are based in science. Extremely HARD science. No mumbo-jumbo.

  • May 28, 2006, 11:35 a.m. CST

    I saw Bruce Willis and the Accellerators...

    by TELF

    Bruce wore a bandana.

  • May 28, 2006, 11:37 a.m. CST

    Vern...

    by TELF

    What was it like to hold a hand that has killed so many men?

  • May 28, 2006, 11:49 a.m. CST

    kevinwillis.net

    by Kampbell-Kid

    You shouldn't rip someones attempt at humor down while following up a failed attempt of your own. It's like watching an anti-social complain about society & people, when from the point of view of the "evolved" thinks your no different than the society & people your talking about. While your add it, hire someone to spice up your site... it's a contrived snorefest. :)

  • May 28, 2006, 11:52 a.m. CST

    Vern, you're half right

    by Harry Weinstein

    Your reviews site is solid, first of all. Anybody who really gets the genius of TRANSPORTER 2 is cool in my book. But I gotta differ with you on the term "flicks". Nothing inherently wrong with tossing around dated and anachronistic slang - in this case, dating back to the silent film days, when the slower frame rate produced more of a noticeable "flick"ering effect when watching a film, er, flick. Look that up in your Funk & Wagnall's. Audi 5000, catch you on the flip side. And I couldn't agree more about "haters", as well as haters.

  • May 28, 2006, 12:13 p.m. CST

    I actually saw Keanu Reeves play bass for dogmanstar

    by seppukudkurosawa

    I say "saw", because I had earplugs on to drown-out the godawful sound.

  • May 28, 2006, 12:20 p.m. CST

    "flicks" / Steven Seagal Blues Band

    by Vern

    Okay Weinstein, good point. I use my share of anachronistic slang too, but for some reason it rubs me the wrong way when people say things like "hey, let's go check out a flick!" I guess it would be worse if they threw in a "daddy-o" somewhere. The word "spoof" bugs me too for some reason. But "haters" in a movie context is worse. As for the questions about Seagal, his handshake was fairly light, probaly for my own protection. I am impressed that Telf saw Bruce Willis live, or was it Bruno? I've never seen Bruce in person but I have his album on Motown which is a piece of shit. I haven't heard Seagal's albums yet but I was actually thinking this guy is better than Bruce. It was honestly a good show because his band is SUPER fuckin tight. His playing was definitely sloppy at times compared to the band but he was better than I was expecting and it was just so surreal to see Seagal up there jamming away on a flying-V, wearing a sleeveless orange Asian number, with a hot all black band from Memphis behind him. Wasn't the shitty band in "Ghost World" called Blues Hammer? I was expecting maybe something like that, but this was far from that. The band at least was completely authentic. One guy had a hat with two rattlesnakes on it. I don't want to clutter this important ROAD HOUSE 2 topic so here's a shameless plug. If anyone is curious about the details, like who the hell shows up at a Steven Seagal show and what happens, I'll probaly have a write up on my sight later today. p.s. The tavern where he played had a sign that said "Be nice or leave" so it is possible that their bouncers follow the "Be nice until it's time to not be nice" tenet.

  • May 28, 2006, 12:44 p.m. CST

    One positive aspect of the word "haters"...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...is that it bugs the shit out of the haters. It's worth using it just to hear talkbackers say things like "okay, the next person who uses the word haters is gay."

  • May 28, 2006, 1:30 p.m. CST

    aicn fundamentalism

    by damagedinc

    republicans are bad. they only allow a rigid interpretation of their source materials. they also have a preconcieved idea of how things ought to be and how ideas are expressed to the rest of the population. republicans are very bad.

  • May 28, 2006, 1:38 p.m. CST

    at sarcasm

    by seppukudkurosawa

  • May 28, 2006, 1:44 p.m. CST

    Post Bruno Bruce stylings...

    by TELF

    I saw him at Planet Hollywood in Hong Kong after the prem of The Siege. It was rubbish, but fun rubbish as he had clearly given up any real aspirations to be a recording star and was just enjoying himself with his mates. I hear Van Damme has a pretty sweet Reggae band...

  • May 28, 2006, 2:28 p.m. CST

    Hey Vern.

    by Gilkuliehe

    Tell HEADGEEK to give you BLACK TALKBACKS. You deserve it. Unlike that MASSWHATEVERTHEFUCK guy who's just a tool. I liked X3 and will never watch these DTV crap. There's no way on earth I will enjoy them as much as I enjoy your reviews. Cheers.

  • May 28, 2006, 4:38 p.m. CST

    Gilkuliehe

    by Vern

    I'm not sure if it is my place to ask for a black box, or if I can live up to its immense responsibilities. But the masses seem to demand it. If you think it would be good you should email Harry about it. He's probaly the one with the keys. Thanks for the kind words bud.

  • May 28, 2006, 5:39 p.m. CST

    Outlaw Vern...

    by TELF

    Nope. Those black TB's would place you inside the AICN establishment... Keep it renegade V.

  • May 28, 2006, 7:26 p.m. CST

    TELF

    by Vern

    Good point Telf. But since when has BLACK been the establishment and WHITE the outsider? I'm so confused!

  • May 28, 2006, 8 p.m. CST

    Hmmmm...

    by TELF

    It is tricky, but remember: WWMD (BSS)?

  • May 28, 2006, 9:50 p.m. CST

    CI 2 has the greatest scene in the history of film

    by Deep Cover

    Shower scene w/ hottest twins EVAR. Probably still readily available on the file-sharing services.

  • May 28, 2006, 10:16 p.m. CST

    Wade Garrett lives, motherfuckers!!!!

    by Heywood Jablowme

    Vern, welcome home. This is you, back to the B-sides of Hollywood. Sorry to say, but despite what you had to say about Road House 2, I'll probably pass on this one. Only because Sam Elliot ain't in it. The real money is in a prequel all about his character and everybody knows that.

  • May 28, 2006, 11:59 p.m. CST

    sadaharu oh is a legendary japanese baseball player

    by ashhole

    saduahara ho may be don ho's government name, or it may be gibberish. too close to call. be that as it may, being a legendary japanese baseball player is like being a legendary DTV movie reviewer, so I guess guy gaduois was on the right track. no offense vern, i know you've been hurt recently and i'm here to tell you it's going to be ok, baby. i love you even though you love roadhouse. cuz even my love for you (you're bottom, bitch.) wouldn't be as gay as that swayze motherfucker. wasn't roadhouse DTV to begin with? maybe i'm thinking of father hood. whatever, RH2 is not a movie for me, but i read your shit regardless. some of us comic geeks can love your reviews and hate all three x-men movies at the same time.

  • May 29, 2006, 2:55 a.m. CST

    Shit man, we're bringing people together

    by Vern

    We got Heywood being nice to me, people who hate X-Men movies AND Road House hanging out... next we should work on this whole Israeli-Palistinian thing. If we can do X-Men then that shit's a cake walk. Now, about the Road House prequel. I agree with you Heywood. This is something I've been pushing for too. Not only can you have Sam Elliott, you can have him meeting a young Dalton and training him in the ways. It could even turn out that there are way more than three rules and Dalton only remembers those three and that's why he is only second best. Or he could be a rebellious bouncer who streamlined and improved the ancient methods, like the Bruce Lee of bar security. But first he's a stubborn student learning from the old master, the Yoda or the Pai Mei, played by Sam Elliot with his hair dyed. This thing is obviously epic so maybe they're waiting until the time is right to go theatrical. Now, about Cruel Intentions 2. I thought you were going to say the scene where the girl has an orgasm while riding a horse. That movie was original a TV pilot and some executive from Fox saw the horse scene and was so offended that he stopped the show. Not just cut the scene, but called the whole thing off. I'm sure he's some rich dude with horses and he just now figured out why his wife is riding around all day. Anyway, because of that executive's personal problems, the show never happened and they wanted to pretend it was a DTV sequel so they added in the shower scene that Deep Cover loves. And the rest is cinematic history. Except on video.

  • May 29, 2006, 11:03 a.m. CST

    Jake Bussy is becoming a DTV sequel regular.

    by pokadoo

    He was ace as Rutger Hauer's son in Hitcher 2: I've been waiting! I bet he's kicking himself for appearing in the first Starship Troopers instead of the follow up.

  • May 29, 2006, 11:41 a.m. CST

    Chief Dwayne T. Robinson RIP

    by TELF

    That's fucked up. I don't usually get sad when celebs pass but Gleason and Morita both got me choked up...

  • May 29, 2006, 11:54 a.m. CST

    "Back off!"

    by DocPazuzu

    "I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain!" ..... R.I.P. Paul Gleason...

  • May 29, 2006, 12:06 p.m. CST

    vern again with another hilarious review

    by eloy

    Just kidding.Seriously,I just came off as a retarded dick to the pretty girl sitting beside me,laughing like that.And talking about great Swayze replacements,how about Diego Luna stepping in for Dirty Dancing,Havana Nights. fuck.And bring back that mullet

  • May 29, 2006, 4:41 p.m. CST

    Roadhouse is ace. This is good news.

    by Silver_Joo

    Nice work, Vern. You are a man of integrity. Any chance of a review for the new Seagal film? Have you checked out the new Seagal record? It's kinda straight white man blues, might have worked over a film like Road House 2 in fact. Not that good though, and without the pure laughout loud moments of the legendary Songs From The Crystal Cave.

  • May 29, 2006, 5:40 p.m. CST

    Silver Joo

    by Vern

    I'm trying to get Shadow Man but it seems they stopped making screeners for his movies. I hope that's not because of me. As soon as I can see it I'll review it. As for the new CD, not only have I heard it but I saw him and that band live on Saturday. Believe it or not the band is amazingly tight. The white man blues comes all from Seagal, the band is all black and soulful and they even did a great funk jam at the end. The band starts it off and then Seagal comes out in a sleeveless orange Asian silk shirt with a flying-V, adding the important extra ingredient to push them into legend.

  • May 29, 2006, 8:29 p.m. CST

    Screw That

    by thelurkerx

    Roadhouse is a classic guilty pleasure. How the hell do they kill Dalton off screen and not even give him a worthy exit? I actually thought about watching it until that tidbit.

  • May 30, 2006, 5:58 a.m. CST

    Lola and the cops in Transporter 2

    by Rolnikov

    Just read your review of Transporter 2 - in the version I watched last night, you see Lola turn around and shoot the cops. Sorry you didn't get to see that important bit of character development...

  • May 30, 2006, 12:11 p.m. CST

    Rolnikov

    by Vern

    Was she just firing toward the camera or did they actually show part of the battle? She might've started firing, I could be remembering it wrong. But at least in the American version they definitely didn't show more than that. Unless somebody sabotaged the DVD I rented. But if so I would like to congratulate the saboteur on a smart edit.

  • May 30, 2006, 12:27 p.m. CST

    Wade Garrett return as a Ben Kenobi style advice-giving

    by durhay

    ghost. Then Chris Farley appears as a chippendale ghost.

  • May 30, 2006, 7:21 p.m. CST

    a couple amusing bits about it

    by eloy

    I thought Id share a couple of nostalgia bits I think will go with me to the grave.I saw the original flick when I was about,well,Im not sure how old I was,butI was still in that age when its the most embarrassing thing in the world to watch a sex scene with your dad beside you.Probably thats still the most embarrassing thing in the world no matter how old you become but I sure dont know-I ve been careful not to put myself in that position ever again since.Thing is,when Swayze is about to fuck the really fuckable Kelly Lynch,the screen went dark all of a sudden while an ominous voice,blaring out from the theaters loudspeaker system,announced to all of us in the full house(it was a Sunday afernoon show and those were always packed)"OUT OF RESPECT FOR ALL THE LADIES AND LITTLE CHILDREN IN ATTENDANCE WE ARE BLOCKINBG THE PROJECTION OF THIS SCENE.THANK YOU."Or something along the lines.I guess you can figure just how exactly small my city was.Secondly,man,is it just me or the striptease scene with I think she is Julie Michaels is really,genuinely hot

  • May 30, 2006, 10:10 p.m. CST

    NEXT OF KIN 2

    by frank cotton

    the in-laws strike back

  • Oct. 23, 2007, 5:51 a.m. CST

    by aint_it_cruel?

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