Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with our main man in Downunderland, Latauro. He's got his trusty kangaroo pouch full of goodies for you this very fine day of fools. Enjoy!!!

This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-a-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

AICN-DOWNUNDER

The old-timers in the audience will remember a website called Coming Attractions (also sometimes referred to as Corona). It was a film news website with a more categorised format. Rather than headlines, CA had lists of films in development, and any update for that particular film would go at the bottom of the page. It was a great way of reading up on a film's history (back in 1997, I printed off the SUPERMAN page; it ran twenty-five pages). Any recent updates would be listed daily on the site's home page. CA was the first website I visited regularly. It led me to Dark Horizons, which led me to AICN; I often credit it with my obsessive beating of the F5 button.

Now, before I started writing for AICN, I did a little bit of work for CA. See, every April 1st, the site's editor Patrick Sauriol would run some bogus film pages. While much that appears on the internet on the 1st of April is tedious, the CA pages always brought a chuckle. In 1999, I submitted a faux page on a live action SOUTH PARK movie. In 2000, I did a SIMPSONS live action page (and a few months later, I read an interview with Matt Groening where he denied the rumours of a live action SIMPSONS film!). After missing the deadline in 2001, in 2002 I submitted four pages:

- a 2001 remake with Jason Mewes
- a yuppie comedy DUDE, WHERE'S MY WIFE? with Edward Norton and Christian Bale
- a time travel sequel to both RUSH HOUR and SHANGHAI NOON called PEKING HOUR (get it? As in, Peak Hour? I was pretty pleased with that)
- a true story called ZIEGFELD'S FOLLICLES about a studio CEO who had plotted to steal the hair of the world's actors and musicians

You could almost call these the precursor to the Next Week jokes at the bottom of the page. So, I was getting into a bit of a groove with these, and in 2003 -- just when the teen film fad was beginning to wind down -- I did a page called the FUNKY JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA. Freddie Prinze Jnr was Superman, Ryan Phillippe was Batman, Sarah Michelle Gellar was Wonder Woman, and so on. This was back before I knew anything about DC (other than the fact that teen idols playing cool characters would be "funny"), so I did lots of net searches and found obscure characters all over the place. DJ Qualls was, for example, Elongated Man. It was a massive cast list, and made my friends -- the ones who knew more about DC characters than I -- laugh.

Now, the reason I'm bringing this up now is that I've been reading/seeing/hearing rumours that Kerr Smith (of "Dawson's Creek" "fame") might be up for the role of Green Lantern. Bells were ringing in my ears: why did that sound familiar? Suddenly, I flashed back to my pre-AICN days, remembered the FJLA, and had the disturbing thought that maybe I was responsible for this rumour. I wasn't 100% sure, but I seemed to remember my joke cast list featuring Kerr Smith as the Lantern.

I was determined to find out if I was correct. I didn't have the original files -- I've gone through about three computers since then -- but if CA's old files were still archived, I might be able to find it online. Sure enough, they weren't. A few years ago, Patrick took up an offer to transfer Coming Attractions over to Cinescape, and CA was, essentially, started afresh whilst folded into the other site. Still, broken links did not deter me. I begun searching for Patrick online. I first went to Cinescape, but couldn't find his name there. Was he still writing for them? I Googled him as much as possible, finding forums he was on and sending him messages in the hope that he still stopped by there. Eventually, I sent an email to the generic Cinescape address in the hope that he was either still working for them, or they could pass it on.

Patrick told me he still had the CA stuff archived, and kindly offered to do a search for any articles I requested.

So I request the FUNKY JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA, and smugly sat back in my seat as my false sense of accomplishment washed over me.

Then I remembered something else. When Patrick folded Corona and went to Cinescape, it was early March. My disappointment at the time was more to do with the fact that I'd had a cool April 1st page to send him, and I'd missed out by only a few weeks!

I had a feeling that it was the FJLA, and even dug deep into my piles of crap to dig out a barely-working PC to find out. This morning, I had to find keyboards and monitors that both worked *and* fit into the right sockets, and -- wonder of wonders! -- got the computer up and running. A search through my old folders revealed to me the pages I listed above (SOUTH PARK, ZIEGFELD'S, etc), but no FJLA. Damn. Without a doubt, it's stored on the one computer that has no hope of ever working again. Was it FJLA? Almost certainly. Did I for sure list Kerr Smith as GL? Can't say for sure, but I'm fairly certain.

It's worth mentioning that I listed the writers as Drew McWeeny and Scott Swan, and even emailed the page to Moriarty to show him what could have been (and asked if he would have minded me attaching him to something so obviously awful). He emailed back, telling me he wouldn't minded at all, and he got a kick out of the page. So somebody enjoyed it, at least.

So, after all that research, I decided that yes, it was probably my page that kicked off the Kerr Smith as Green Lantern thing in the first place.

Then it occurred that, as it hadn't gone up, nobody had got the chance to read it. So I almost certainly did *not* start the rumour.

And it's only just occurred to me that I'm writing all this on April 1st. How many coincidences can one man stand?

NEWS

Peter Jackson has been busy lately. See, I think he got a bit sick of his films always getting spoilt on websites, and now he's posed as a scooper called "Big Large Monkey", and is sending me lots of cool stuff on NZ Loch Ness Monster film THE WATERHORSE. At least, I presume it's Jackson. I think it's a safe bet, given I have absolutely no evidence to either support it or contradict it. So what did BLM have to say? The young boy from Danny Boyle's MILLIONS, Alex Etel, is the second totally confirmed cast member. The first, whom we told you about in recent columns, is the delectable Emily Watson.

Just how much bad luck can two phenomenally-wealthy people have? Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman signed on as the leads in Jocelyn Moorehouse's EUCALYPTUS. What happened? It collapsed before cameras had begun rolling. So Russ and Nic signed onto Baz Lurhmann's BIG EPIC WAR ROMANCE FILM (working title only), and what has happened? The film collapsed before cameras could begin rolling. Well, that's not entirely true. We're told the film *will* get made, but probably won't begin production until next year. That's an awfully long way away. Baz is probably getting a bit irritated at all this stopping and starting. Probably not a good time to tell him that Oliver Stone's shooting a film in northern Australia... (Not really.)

As has been reported muchly, Australian Director Robert Luketic has left the big screen version of DALLAS after a reported dispute over casting. Luketic, who has willingly worked with Jennifer Lopez, was unhappy with how the casting of a big screen adaptation of a soap opera was going, has left. Presumably, he'll be focusing his attentions on 21, an adaptation of the book "Bringing Down the House", which -- according to the IMDb -- will be an English language film shot in colour. Consider my ticket bought.

THINKFilm has just picked up the North American rights to Neil Armfield's drama CANDY. The film had its world premiere at the Berlin Film Festival earlier this year, but is more famous for having been reviewed by me (Click here for that). I don't usually make a song and dance about distribution, but I was really, really impressed by CANDY, and I'm glad to see it breaching the shores and heading out to all you foreign bastards.

New Zealand, the apparent film capital of the galaxy (but not the Universe), is the setting for THE FERRYMAN, a new horror film that begun shooting on the 31st of March. Director Chris Graham doesn't waste any time: his previous film, SIONE'S WEDDING, came out in NZ on the 30th of March. That's a good few hours sleep between films... Steven Soderbergh scoffs at your laziness!

AWARDS AND FESTIVALS

BERMUDA INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL

If it's not my favourite Australian film of all time, it's a close second: THE PROPOSITION picked up the award for Best Narrative Feature in Bermuda this week past. With any luck, it'll soon pick up the BAFTA for Grittiest Use Of Ray Winstone In a Feature Film.

MALIBU INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL

What's the deal with these exotically-positioned film festivals? Bermuda? Malibu? What's next, [/engage punchline] AMUSING LOCATION [/end punchline]? Hahaha! Classic. Anyway, PUPPY (the debut feature from Melbourne's Kieran Galvin) has an apparently successful run at the SXSW festival in Austin (why does that location sound familiar?), and will next play at Malibu, and then the Atlanta Film Festival. Before then, it'll play at the Philadelphia Film Festival, and will presumably appear at the Limewire International Film Festival some time soon. It's never the wrong time to make a piracy joke, people.

TRIBECA FILM FESTIVAL

Oliver Torr and Matthew Zeremes are living the dream. Frustrated with the difficulties in getting funding in Australia, they borrowed money from their parents and made their first feature film, BURKE AND WILLS. The result? The film will have its world premiere at De Niro's Tribeca Festival, and the two will be flown to New York to attend.

BOX OFFICE

What on Earth is with the staying power of WALK THE LINE? It was an okay film, nothing special. (As Jon Stewart so aptly put it, RAY with white people.) Strange that of all the Oscar films, this one seems to have stuck around the longest -- though part of that is that it was released long after many others such as BROKEBACK and, well, last year's CRASH.

1. WHEN A STRANGER CALLS
2. THE PINK PANTHER
3. WALK THE LINE
4. INSIDE MAN
5. AEON FLUX

RELEASED THIS WEEK

The first mainstream release of geriatric porn limps along without the Shakespearian brilliance of Esterhaus, filmmakers finally get that the Holocaust was *depressing*, Spike Lee jumps on the homoerotic bandwagon, a film about penguins giving birth somehow proves the existence of Christ, and Australians remember remember the 30th of March.

BASIC INSTINCT 2: RISK ADDICTION
FATELESS
INSIDE MAN
MARCH OF THE PENGUINS
V FOR VENDETTA

REVIEWS

V FOR VENDETTA
(mild spoilers)

The screening started off in the funniest way possible. One of the marketing people -- a guy who'd just recently moved over here from LA -- got up to introduce the film, and begun by describing the film's US box office tally up to that point. The funny was for two reasons: one, the perplexing and perpetual idea that those of us who don't receive the money will actually give a toss how much a studio makes, and two, that such a corporate face was being put on a film about an anarchist.

I was expecting an amazing film (the BNAT reviews did nothing but raise my expectations); what I wasn't expecting was an amazing adaptation. "V For Vendetta" may be an incredible graphic novel, but as it stands in the book, it would make an awful film. A bit like "Lord of the Rings". You need somebody to adapt it who truly understands what makes the original great. Stick to the continuity of the book as much as possible, and only change things for the right reasons. The least impressive element of the MATRIX films, for me, were the scripts. I was not impressed with the apparent depth of the first film; it sounded more like the writers had Googled "Philosophy" and put it just enough references to keep lecturers happy for the next twenty years. Working from an established source did the Wachowskis wonders, their VENDETTA script making V's journey even more powerful than it would have been in a standard book-to-film adaptation.

What's bizarre about the film is how unconventional it is. Many films claim to be unconventional -- THE PUNISHER, for example, claimed to be unconventional and turned out to be the most standard, by-the-numbers film of the recent Marvel output -- but VENDETTA really is different. The structure is beautifully scrambled. Most of the film takes place at either end of the year-long timeline, with a surprisingly small number of scenes covering the intervening months. In that time, are we subjected to the checklist of "x number of action scenes"? Not a bit. Action scenes are, for me, the dullest of scenes, but VENDETTA brings a sense of excitement and experimentation back to the genre. You genuinely feel like you're seeing stuff you haven't seen before, and it's even more impactful because it's used to sparingly. There are almost certainly fewer action sequences in the film than there are discussions about the nature of freedom. I don't mean the grand preachiness of, say, CRASH (oops, I went there!), but characters genuinely discussing their lot in life and how they feel about it. It comes across as natural, and the biggest surprise to me was to the actual sense of danger I felt that these ideas were being discussed in such a mainstream movie. I've never been so confident about the idea of a WATCHMEN film that I have when I came out of VENDETTA. Can we go two for two, please?

A lot of VENDETTA's success can be attributed to the amazing performances. I don't know how much of James Purefoy's performance made it into the film, but for the purposes of this review, I'll credit everything to Hugo Weaving (sorry, James). I love Hugo Weaving, but I did not anticipate how amazing he'd be in the role. For starters, he has to keep the mask on the entire time. Limits his performance? Hardly. The way Weaving uses the mask, the idea that it could limit him becomes as ridiculous as suggesting the earpiece he wore in THE MATRIX may have limited what he could do. V is a theatrical character, and Weaving plays him that way. V the Hero is the same as V the Secret Identity, and Weaving plays both sides of the coin simultaneously. It's a tremendous performance, and it makes the film what it is.

Natalie Portman's great as Evie; the most impressive part of her performance is the fact that she avoids the typical stock-standard Americans-doing-English accent, and actually adopts a *regional* accent. She maintains it throughout, and doesn't lean on it at any point. She's really very good in this, and the perfect person to anchor the narrative.

Props go to Stephen Rea and Stephen Fry -- actually, props go to Latauro, as the seat I was sitting in had a prize underneath: a genuine V mask used as a prop in the movie! Sorry, back to the review -- both of whom are as good here as they've ever been. In fact, Rea's recent aging suits him better than his younger visage ever did. There's a real depth and character to his face and voice, and I'd suggest his best work is yet to come. Stephen Fry plays the TV host with complete honesty, as if he's performing in a Merchant-Ivory production instead of a futuristic fantasy. The comedic scene set on his show is so genuinely funny, I begun wondering if they'd employed Graham Lineham or someone to direct it. Superb work.

The main person I've not yet mentioned is the film's director, Australian James McTeigue. I don't know what may or may not have happened during the making of the film, but there's been a tendency to credit the Wachowski Brothers with most of the work, this being McTeigue's first film, and the Wachowskis being the film's overseers. Whoever did it (personally, I give McTeigue the benefit of the doubt), it's superbly directed. All the elements are there; nothing is sacrificed. It's amazing work, and it has a lot of character.

I've seen local reviewers dismiss the blow-shit-up ending as going against the very argument V had been giving throughout the film. It frustrates me when people so obviously miss the point and then loudly tell everyone that the filmmakers were the ones who missed it. The ending -- one of the most powerful I've seen in a long time -- doesn't present us with a tangible solution, but shows us what V and Evie felt they must resort to. V's hatred of the system was the motivation, and his method of bringing them down was the method; the two are inextricably linked, but confusing them is dangerous, and will cause you to, as I said, completely miss the point. This film does not advocate anything; it simply presents arguments about sedition, repression, totalitarianism, terrorism, individuality and violence. Those lucky enough to see those arguments amidst the beautiful visuals, tremendous acting, and superb musical score will find themselves a film that will almost certainly be a contender for their Best of 2006 list.

NEXT WEEK

- Mel Brooks to oversee THE PRODUCERS 2, in which Max and Leo head into the movie business, and try to ensure their film collapses in pre-production by hiring Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman as the leads!

- SNOW WHITE remake director Adam Shankman signs on Alan Moore as Grumpy

- Bruce Boxleitner to reprise his role as Alan Bradley in the TRON sequel that follows a hacker who physically enters his computer, only to find it full of pictures of naked ladies, in PRON

Peace out,

Latauro
AICNDownunder@hotmail.com