Movie News

Massawyrm Counts The Nipples And Bobbing Man Asses of BASIC INSTINCT 2!!

Published at: March 29, 2006, 8:43 a.m. CST

Merrick...

...tried to catch a screening of this movie yesterday.

Dutifully, and quite illogically, I even tried to make my way through the worst storm I’d seen in some time to do so; took an hour and a half for me to travel a distance usually traversed in roughly twenty minutes (because of snarled traffic, roads closed due to flooding, etc.)

At a major intersection, a dazzling, heavenly blue/white light engulfed me for the briefest second. It could have been a nuclear flash, but it was soundless…and it didn’t blind. The stoplights at the intersection went dark. Cars slammed on their brakes, the sounds of screeching tires pierced through pounding rain. Streetlights and store signs surged radiantly for as far as they eye could see, before fading out completely...layer after layer…like the blackouts in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND.

Around this time, I figured God, or the universe, was trying to prevent me from seeing BASIC INSTINCT 2. Although, I was probably just rationalizing, somewhat desperately, my decision to bail on a screening for which I had no enthusiasm whatsoever. Looks like no one/nothing up there was watching out for poor Massawyrm…nothing/no one turned him back.

He made it to the screening; safely. Courageously.

And here is his report…


Hola all. Massawyrm here. Where the fuck is Joe Eszterhas when you need him? No seriously. Where the fuck is he? I mean, clearly we live in a world where someone was willing to dump buckets of money into a remake - ahem, sorry - sequel to the 1992 Verhoeven sleazefest classic Basic Instinct – one might imagine that they might go back to the source and squeeze one last epically debaucherous ride out of him. But no. Eszterhas may have become synonymous with the worst of the worst when it comes to screenwriting, but you gotta give it to the guy: he was the king of sleaze. His movies weren’t just bad. They were fucking epics of jaw-dropping magnitude. Flashdance, Basic Instinct, Sliver, Jade. Hedonistic, misogynistic, seedy pieces of trash one and all. And every single one of them was a step closer to his opus, his masterstroke, his monument to female degradation – mother fucking Showgirls. Yeah, now you’re with me.

When MGM released their super slutty, heavily unrated psudo-trailer on the net a few months back, word on this project began to change. All of a sudden the jokes about how bad it could be was readily replaced by talk of excitement about just how over the top and, once again, sleazy this was going to be. Curiosity began to stir and many of us waited with baited breath, wondering aloud: was this going to be another Showgirls, another trip into a hypnotically unbelievable sex romp with a budget?

In a word - no. As it turns out, that trailer MGM dropped on us was complete, utter horseshit – a farce of such unrelenting chutzpah that I can’t even begin to explain. But I’ll try, by god I’ll try.

Whether we like it or not, Basic Instinct is a classic and easily somewhere in the top 10 of most influential films of the 90’s. It single handedly legitimized softcore, and along with The Hand that Rocks the Cradle and Single White Female became the standard by which every single femme fatale ‘erotic thriller’ of the era was either compared or plagiarized. While I won’t even begin to argue that these films are good, they opened up a whole market of ‘adult’ filmmaking that allowed men to watch nudie movies while systematically claiming to be watching real films. Hell, late night Skinimax is nothing BUT Basic Instinct whackfest knockoffs – and Blockbuster Video made a very lucrative industry out of forbidding NC-17 films in their stores, while producing through subsidiaries their own ‘thriller’ softcore that had the benefit of being ‘unrated’ not ‘NC-17’. Would we even know who Shannon Tweed is if not for her endless stream of Basic Instinct clones?

So if you’re going to make a sequel to something that defined an entire genre, you’ve gotta do it right. It’s gotta be sexier, filthier, bloodier and quite simply, downright unwholesome. And that’s certainly what they’re selling in the internet ‘trailer’ and the countless Sharon Stone interviews meant to drum up controversy (the woman who a decade and a half ago publicly threw a fit about the infamous bush scene is now advocating oral sex for minors on talk shows and discussing how much she loves sex.) But that ain’t actually what they’re selling. You see, if you’ve seen the internet ‘trailer’, then you’ve actually seen 75% more sex than is actually in the film. Virtually every frame of sex and nudity that appears in Basic Instinct 2, you’ve already seen. Let that sink in for a moment. I’ll wait.

Yes, there are exactly three sex scenes in this movie. One with a single nipple and some bobbing man ass. Another with a single nipple and some bobbing man ass. And a third, with two exposed nipples, and yes, dare I say it, more bobbing man ass. That semi hot looking threesome in the ‘trailer’? Never actually appears in the film - the third person in that three-way…never actually appears in the film. And outside of the sex, there is one, single, gratuitous nude scene. Of Sharon Stone. All told, there is perhaps 20-30 seconds of actual sexual content in this film. So it never actually achieves any level of ‘trashy’ that someone might be seeing this for. Oh, sure, it trrrrriiiiiiiieeeesss to be sexy, complete with a tracking down the legs shot that worked great 15 years ago, but now follows a trail of freckles and liver spots that feels more akin to walking in on your aunt Mildred getting out of the shower than it does watching Basic Instinct, causing your balls to slowly creep back into your abdomen. Okay, yes, 40+ women can be sexy. But there are magazines for that kind of thing, and there’s a reason porn shops keep them on the back shelves of the racks – because they are reserved for ‘special’ kinds of men. If liver spots speak ‘experience’ to you, then the gratuitous shots of a braless Sharon Stone wearing a nigh see-through blouse with her under-the knife perkiness peeking out might bring you to half mast. Otherwise, the film isn’t sexy at all, but rather just seems kind of sad.

What’s left is a miserable train wreck of a thriller groaning under the weight of dialog so bad it becomes epic in it’s own right. You see, while this film isn’t epic in the same fashion as an Eszterhas thriller, it easily, without hyperbole, becomes a top entry into the ‘worst sequel to a blockbuster film of all time’ list. It makes Godfather 3 and Episode I look like gargantuan successes, and manages to make Speed 2 and Jaws: The Revenge seem watchable by comparison. Seriously, this movie is just…that…bad.

Allow me to read from the book of BI2 for a moment, to illustrate more effectively the type of trite, overblown dialog that pervades this film. When asked what she writes about (Sharon Stone’s character Catherine Tramell, as you might recall, is quite possibly the worst successful novelist ever set to film – really, the passages she reads aloud in BI2 make us AICNers read like Nobel fucking laureates) Stone's answer is this (quoted verbatim from the film)



CATHERINE TRAMELL
The lurid, the violent, the sexual.
The basic instincts.



Oh yeah, baby. They go that far. The entire film is filled with the kind of lame, self-referential bullshit that will either make your asshole pucker tighter than a drum or cause you to laugh out loud uncontrollably. Laid atop one of the weakest, unnecessarily convoluted plots known to man, it achieves brand new levels of ‘WTF were they thinking?’ making this the surefire leader of the pack for the Razzies, easily sweeping in the categories of Worst film, Worst director, Worst Actress, and most notably and ironically, the Joe Eszterhas Dis-honorary award for Worst Screenplay. Normally, I scoff at the Razzies for picking only on mediocre to kind of bad big budget or big star failures – but this is exactly the type of film the Razzies love to roast, and is a failure of such a spectacular level – one that misses absolutely everything that it aims for - that this year they can’t help but be right on the money. Distributing a film that even manages to come close to how bad this is seems pretty much like a mathematical improbability.

But there’s something to be said for a movie this bad. And that is that it’s really, truly, amazingly funny. When it’s not being boring as all fucking hell, that is. It’s filled to the brim with beautiful nuggets of pure gold that any drunken film watcher will split their pants laughing at. But this is only recommended for the most astute and well trained of ‘bad movie watchers.’ This isn’t amateur level bad. This requires someone ready to deal with soul crushing banality for minutes at a time to enjoy the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I mean, it’s just plain gawd awful. I would say that the studio behind it should simply be ashamed of themselves for even thinking of letting it show on a single screen – but it’s an MGM film and those people practically wear masks to work out of embarrassment already. For them it’s nothing but another can of film atop a pile of buttfucked properties.

This is the single worst, most unbelievable film I’ve seen on the big screen since Torque. And if given the Sophie’s Choice of sitting in a chair with a gun to my head having to choose between watching one of the two, I’d suffer Torque again. Something about Bike-Fu makes me chuckle. That, and I hope to god to never have to see Aunt Sharon naked again.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.

Massawyrm

Click here to request a personalized picture in which I play a game of ‘connect the liver spots’ to create a likeness of your own face.







Readers Talkback

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  • March 29, 2006, 8:51 a.m. CST

    first!!

    by DECKERS

    hhhooorrraaayyy (ahem)

  • March 29, 2006, 8:52 a.m. CST

    In other news...

    by Lost Skeleton

    Shia LeBreof is in the new Transformers movie by Michael Bay and it sounds shitty. Hope the visuals are better than the character descriptions. Oh First bitches!

  • March 29, 2006, 8:52 a.m. CST

    First!

    by Soap00

    FIRST!

  • March 29, 2006, 8:53 a.m. CST

    Dann you Beckers!

    by Lost Skeleton

    And your dog too! I'll get you my pretty and make you kneel before ZOD!

  • March 29, 2006, 8:53 a.m. CST

    Why the long Intro?

    by Just Plain Steve

    Why does every reviewer insist on telling a 3 paragraph story of how they got to the theater. Does that somehow make their life have meaning? Harry does this all the time, as if to justify a life of watching movies is a life worth living if the experiences around it make a difference? Just tell us what you think of the movie. And don't expect Talkbackers to stay away the reviewers personal life if the review keeps bringing it up.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:02 a.m. CST

    Torque owns you

    by Tom Whitaker

    They knocked that one out of the park. And all that other AICN bullshit. It was a fun movie, maybe made by someone who was ill.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:02 a.m. CST

    First, at last?

    by Dead Megatron

    And, yeah, I ain't seeing this movie in Hell

  • March 29, 2006, 9:06 a.m. CST

    Now, after actually reading the review...

    by Lost Skeleton

    that Aunt Sharon line is classic. Mass, your review had me rolling in the office. I almost spit my coffee out when he said if liver spots are your thing.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:08 a.m. CST

    Surely this film is irrelevant?

    by CellarDoor

    Now that people (teens, single men) can access such immense amounts of porn via the net aren't films of this ilk utterly pointless? However it does raise interesting points about how people's perception of sex in the media has changed radically in a short space of time. Still won't make me see this though. I need to see penetration and ejaculation at least.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:09 a.m. CST

    So if you had to...

    by brycemonkey

    would you rather sleep with Sharon Stone or Nicole Kidman? Let's here it... I'd go with Stone only cos I think the Kidman is a killer robot.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:09 a.m. CST

    Just wait for the freaking DVD

    by DustinDiamond

    Stone has said herself a lot was cut out and an "Unrated" DVD is going to happen. Why would you pay more to see less? WE saw more sex in that international trailer that's been online for a few weeks anyways.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:12 a.m. CST

    Damn!

    by brycemonkey

    That should be "hear it". Don't let the sloppy english stop you from participating in the nasty skank pole...

  • March 29, 2006, 9:12 a.m. CST

    Kidman for me...

    by CellarDoor

    Because of the killer robot thing. Hot!

  • March 29, 2006, 9:12 a.m. CST

    by vicious_bastard

  • March 29, 2006, 9:12 a.m. CST

    Basic Instinct 2 is bad. Also, water is wet and

    by Heywood Jablowme

    the sun is hot. I wouldn't exactly come on here and call this "news". Why this got release is beyond me. This film merits "direct to video" more than Poison Ivey 4 or Wild Things 3 or any other soft-core piece of trash that's not worth half an erection. Besides, I'd like to remember Sharon Stone like she was in Total Recall, Sliver, and the first Basic Instinct. Was there really a clamor out there to see her naked now, at age 58? If anybody wants to see Sharon Stone's beaver, I've got my old man's catcher's mitt from the 60's that bears a strong resemblence.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:14 a.m. CST

    Surprised? I think not.

    by Veraxus

    It's fucking Basic Instincts... TWO. That TWO didn't tip you off? Lest we forget American Psycho... TWO. or The Exorcist... TWO. or The Lawnmower Man... TWO. Thing is, these were one-shot movies. Once their story has been told a sequel could only fuck it up. Lest we forget.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Anyone remember Stone as a muse in...

    by Childe Roland

    ...that Albert Brooks film? She was looking tired then, and I think that was more than 10 years ago (too lazy to look it up). I shudder to think of her revealing any part of her anatomy on a big screen. Even my 42-incher at home is too high-resolution and in-your-face for that kind of exhibitionism. I'm imaginging the old lady from Something About Mary here. Ick.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:17 a.m. CST

    Awesome Review

    by pfizzle

    "soul crushing banality"...Great stuff there, Mass.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:19 a.m. CST

    auto-erotic asphyxiation

    by vicious_bastard

    It seems I was lied to - told that someone "does a Michael Hutchence" in the movie.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:19 a.m. CST

    So where'd the nudity go?

    by photoboy

    Why advertise all that nakedness and then cut it? Did they get cold feet or something?

  • March 29, 2006, 9:29 a.m. CST

    PLANT

    by Wasserman

    PLANT

  • March 29, 2006, 9:35 a.m. CST

    USA cut

    by Mallestarion

    Maybe it will be lots of nudity in the european cut????? Sure it will!!! Absolutely!!

  • March 29, 2006, 9:38 a.m. CST

    Can't believe Cronenberg was attached to this!

    by Thunderballs

    I wonder what it would have been like had Cronenberg directed. Maybe one of Sharon's liver spots comes alive and starts fucking dudes. I don't know. What a turd.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:42 a.m. CST

    I"m waiting till it hits the video shelves!!!!

    by samuraiyao

    PLease folks don't watch,pay,or any way support this movie when it comes out in your local cineplex. I want this to hit the stores as quickly as possible because that way they can add all the deleted scenes right back to the movie in which it was intended for. It'll have like behind the scene's featurette, interviews with mrs. stone, exclusive sex scenes showing the woman on top position and the guy's ass will be cutt out. Speaking of guy's ass lets sign a petition to banned all dude's ass out of every hollywood produced picture.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:46 a.m. CST

    Massawyrm hates TORQUE

    by Maniac Cop

    There's another humorless, slave-to-realism, visually illiterate critic to cross off my list.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:51 a.m. CST

    I'll admit it

    by sefsterJ

    That was a funny review

  • March 29, 2006, 9:53 a.m. CST

    I take issue with calling it a beaver......

    by AARONIUS

    Let's think about this folks. Do you really want to put your groin anywhere near an animal that has sharp wood shredding teeth, and a tail that could send a baseball (or any kind of ball or balls wink, wink)flying the length of a football field? I'm sure this has to have been discussed at length by a council of beavers somewhere at some time. Of course I'm sure their anger is nothing compared to the council of Donkeys who are ticked at being compared to our asses.

  • March 29, 2006, 10:02 a.m. CST

    I had no intentions of ever seeing this . . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . in the theater, via rental, or on USA at 3 in the morning, but it can't be worse than Jaws: The Revenge. Just can't be. Is it possible?

  • March 29, 2006, 10:04 a.m. CST

    Fatal Attraction and Jagged Edge

    by ed_wood_jr

    While not as over the top as "Basic Instinct", they are really the chief influences on all those Shannon Tweed films and the erotic thriller genre, when you look at the timeline.

  • March 29, 2006, 10:09 a.m. CST

    I'm there.

    by PULLDASTRINK!

  • March 29, 2006, 10:11 a.m. CST

    A Cut-Down less erotic version is screening in the US

    by Starkers

    A Cut-Down less erotic version is screening in the US, while the rest of the world gets the original cut with the threesome scene etc.

  • March 29, 2006, 10:12 a.m. CST

    A Catherine Tramell kind of date

    by Joseph Merrick

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9145415/

  • March 29, 2006, 10:13 a.m. CST

    Calling it a beaver

    by Barry Egan

    Didn't the origin of this usage come from crime scene photographers?

  • March 29, 2006, 10:20 a.m. CST

    Ha! Ha!

    by brycemonkey

    The USA which produces most of the porn on the planet gets a watered down version of Basic Instinct 2. Weird...

  • March 29, 2006, 10:29 a.m. CST

    Crime scene photographers?

    by AARONIUS

    Wow, I hadn't heard that one. Of course I wasn't aware that beavers were even allowed to help in Police matters what with the strict labor laws we have in this country. I guess somebody must be turning the system around! Now if we can just stop that crazy no turtle under the age of 16 is allowed to operate heavy equipment law, we'll be well on our way to a decent society!

  • March 29, 2006, 10:29 a.m. CST

    No Jerry Goldsmith = No Sale

    by Osmosis Jones

    Goldsmith's score and Jan De Bont's photography helped to class up the original (a massive guilty pleasure), so, a 16-year-later(!) sequel sans Goldsmith, De Bont, Paul Verhoeven, and even Michael Douglas? Featuring a 500-year-old Sharon Stone? Ick...

  • March 29, 2006, 10:31 a.m. CST

    So BASICally it IS Showgirls with a budget but...

    by Dolmes

    without the sex? WHy the fuck do you people waffle on and on and on and on about fuck all. ARGH! *pukes*

  • March 29, 2006, 10:37 a.m. CST

    Beavers at crime scenes

    by brycemonkey

    I think it's a Union thing...

  • March 29, 2006, 10:39 a.m. CST

    Hilarious review!

    by Trazadone

    Yes! This is how all Aintitcool reviews should be! It was both funny and to the point. We were spared the usual self-congratulatory, superfluous, tedious details that often permeate the reviews on this site. Right on!

  • March 29, 2006, 10:40 a.m. CST

    Damn you, Merrick!!!

    by Negative Man

    I know have milk shooting out my nose from laughing at that link...which, I might add, is NOT a euphinism for anything. I swear. Though, after reading that story, I'm left to wonder how many lawsuits will come out of it. Man, ya meet a girl, everything is going well and she forgets she's wearing it and then YOW! Serious tire damage! And then she tries to cover it up by saying you attacked her to get out of paying for the repairs and SERIOUS trama! Ach! Like men don't have a hard enough time just meeting a nice girl...sheesh!

  • March 29, 2006, 10:41 a.m. CST

    Lol

    by robotdevil

    No way in hell the movie is going to be even a fraction as entertaining as that review. Connnect the liverspots... that's funny.

  • March 29, 2006, 10:43 a.m. CST

    Well now I have to see just to make fun of it...

    by StudioPlant69

    This is now my second favorite review on this site. My first being Harry's glowing review of Center Stage...man I still giggle just thinking about that. And you thought I was gonna say his "first" review of Godzilla.. GFY

  • March 29, 2006, 10:51 a.m. CST

    One of the funniest reviews I've read

    by pumaman

    Had me guffawing out loud many a time . Nice one ! I'm still getting the Dvd though -I have a thing for Sharon's Snatch. And she still looks gorgeous in my humble opinion.

  • March 29, 2006, 10:51 a.m. CST

    Did they use a beaver double?

    by StudioPlant69

    Or a stunt beaver? Is there a Director of Beaver Photography? A 2nd unit DOBP? Assistant to Sharon Stone's Beaver? Beaver Grip? Beaver Foley Artist? Beaver Lighting Technician? Does the Beaver have an Agent? Lawyer? PA? Publicist? Standin? Could the Beaver have been CGI? Practical SFX? Does the Beaver get any of the back end? Was this role offered to any other Beavers? Where there any penises offered the chance to the Beaver in an effort to win an Oscar? ...Ponder that! GFY

  • March 29, 2006, 10:53 a.m. CST

    One other thing....

    by robotdevil

    "Basic Instinct is a classic and easily somewhere in the top 10 of most influential films of the 90

  • March 29, 2006, 11:22 a.m. CST

    An Honest Review.

    by AmirReza

    Yep, you seem to have hit the nail on the head. I'll be pretty pissed off if this makes more than V.

  • March 29, 2006, 11:44 a.m. CST

    Basic Instinct 3: Toyoko Drift

    by Big Bad Clone

    A shitty, aging novelist/ nymphomaniac takes goes undercover in the world of underground Japanese street racing. Watch as pimped out Honda Civic spins out of control along Stone's vaginal walls. Also starring Master P's cousin.

  • March 29, 2006, 11:45 a.m. CST

    Basic Instinct 2 - Reported set to be a MASSIVE BOMB

    by stlfilmwire

    That is the word I have been hearing.

  • March 29, 2006, 12:10 p.m. CST

    this is a picture of Sharon at a recent event

    by HypeEndsHere

    http://tinyurl.com/rcqx3 (it's work-safe)

  • March 29, 2006, 12:12 p.m. CST

    Basic Instinct 2025...

    by pumaman

    The way some of you lot moan about Sharon Stone being ' too old ' and shit should check out this picture. Some things should just not happen. And I can handle watching the beautiful Ms. Stone any day of the week. for the faint hearted - do not look at this URL . http://www.fetishdaddy.com/mature3/thumbs/0001.jpg

  • March 29, 2006, 12:12 p.m. CST

    Just Wait

    by KabutoKoji

    It's really all about the numbers and adding them up. The first Basic Instinct is a 6/10 tops. The best a sequel could hope to be is a 5/10 tops, which is just slighty below the original...and that just guarantees that is going to be mediocre. So why make it? But they go ahead and make it, and of course, it turns out to be like a 3.5-4/10. But, in like eight years from now, they will make Basic Instinct 3:Not a Sequel to Titanic, and they will call it that because Sharon Stone will look exactly like the old lady in Titanic and people will get confused. And. She. Will. Be. Naked. And not even Joe Ezstheras can come up with that end-all, sleazy, oldie-but-horny creation. And with that, the rest is silence.

  • March 29, 2006, 12:16 p.m. CST

    Stone & Sam Jackson in "BEAVERS ON A PLANE" Summer '07

    by Darth Bauer

  • March 29, 2006, 12:37 p.m. CST

    I'd buy that for a dollar!

    by Uncapie

    Asses and titties; the new Hollywood talent.

  • March 29, 2006, 12:41 p.m. CST

    Clarification: Crime Scene Beaver

    by Barry Egan

    I was under the impression that the term "beaver" was a code word used by crime scene photographers if a dead woman's crotch was exposed in some way. Those pics were called beaver shots. I read that in a Vonnegut novel and believed it to be true.

  • March 29, 2006, 12:41 p.m. CST

    i'm so there

    by reckni

    Definite matinee, since I vividly remember watching the first one in theaters, might be worthy to see a really bad flick in order to appreciate all the good ones I've seen lately.

  • March 29, 2006, 12:44 p.m. CST

    Anyone see Sharon on Letterman?

    by BigTuna

    Wow. She looked totally high and was fake laughing the whole interview and couldn't understand Dave's simple questions.

  • March 29, 2006, 12:45 p.m. CST

    stone was wrong to go ahead with this - its too late -

    by Spacesheik

    not because of her necessarily - but the genre of 'erotic thrillers - is so fucking 90s cinemax/showtime pop culture -- and yes without jan de bont, verhoeven, micharl douglas and jerry goldsmith, this is a cheapie sequel - and cheapie sequels go to video

  • March 29, 2006, 1:09 p.m. CST

    Not suprised...

    by vinceklortho

    but hilarious to read a review about it. I will definitely watch this sometime. I just don't think I can shell out serious theatre money to do it. See, I like that they have reviews for shitty movies on this site because usually the studios don't screen the bad ones for critics. Way to take one, again, for the team Massy. If it's on par with Torque, or even worse, I can't wait to see this. Anyway, I must disagree with you on one point; Godfather 3 should in no way be included in that wretched list of bad sequels. Take out Sophia's performance and it's a pretty damn good movie. It only gets shit because of the two impossible-to-live-up-to-the-hype of the first two. Now, Episode 1 could never of lived up to the orig. trilogy hype too, but we all know what happened with that. Godfather 3 is a fantastic movie, unfortunately cloaked behind two of the greatest movies ever made.

  • March 29, 2006, 1:14 p.m. CST

    You know, "Torque" sucks, but I'd watch it over...

    by MattCG

    "Basic Instinct" any day. At least then I wouldn't have to see Michael Douglas' raisin-like ass pounding in my face. And for the record, was anyone expecting this to be anything other than fucking horrible?

  • March 29, 2006, 1:33 p.m. CST

    Hey Barry Egan I caught what you meant.....

    by AARONIUS

    I was just amused when I contemplated the though of some young beaver struggling and working his way through the police academy trying to make his family proud. Yeah it was a big deal for Barney the Beaver, and why wouldn't it be? His grandfather had been an officer and his father before him was one as well. However the main reason he wanted to become a cop was because of his father. Carl the Beaver had been one of the finest cops the city had ever seen. Unfortunately one evening while making a routine stop to check out a broken tail light he had been snuffed out by members of the dreaded Bakuza clan (the beaver equivelant of the Yakuza). It was then and there that Barney vowed he would avenge his father's death, and so he continues to fight to this day the forces of evil!

  • March 29, 2006, 1:49 p.m. CST

    A sequel thats 14 years too late

    by Undead Neverhood

    You would have thought after the success of the first one they would have capitilzed on it and went ahead with a sequel. I had no plans to see this crap, and after reading this review, I sure has hell am not going to see it in any form. I won't be renting it. I won't be watching it on cable. And even if someone were to actually give me a copy of the DVD I would give it the same treatment that most people give to those AOL startup disks you get in the mail.

  • March 29, 2006, 1:55 p.m. CST

    Indiana Jones and Leave it to beaver of Doom!

    by StudioPlant69

    Even the producers of Catwoman are making fun of Basic Instinct 2... GFY

  • March 29, 2006, 2:05 p.m. CST

    Catherine Tramel gets on a flight that has...

    by StudioPlant69

    SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!! ...GFY

  • March 29, 2006, 2:23 p.m. CST

    Isn't she supposed to have a really high

    by veritasses

    ...IQ? If I rememeber correctly, she was caught lying when she stated that she was a member of MENSA... although word is has the intellect to get in if she wanted to. Well so much for correlating high IQ with a successful career. Same goes for Geena Davis (though I believe Davis is a legit memeber).

  • March 29, 2006, 2:37 p.m. CST

    BASICLY it STINKS

    by future help

    so stupid...i know. had to write it. i know, i know...

  • March 29, 2006, 2:45 p.m. CST

    Great review!

    by Darth Thoth

    It had me on the floor laughing!

  • March 29, 2006, 2:54 p.m. CST

    Aged blondes....

    by oh_riginal

    Keep your Sharon Stone, I'd be happy enough with the Tweed anyhow.

  • March 29, 2006, 3:19 p.m. CST

    Where the fuck is Joe Eszterhas when you need him?

    by BannedOnTheRun

    Here in Cleveland...and no, you can't have him back. He's ours.

  • March 29, 2006, 3:20 p.m. CST

    "This isn

    by www.valiens.com

    Dude, everything from that line on had me in stitches. Now I don't have to see the film. I've already had a good laugh over it. THANK YOU.

  • March 29, 2006, 3:48 p.m. CST

    It's GRANDMA!

    by ikkyu

    In a motherfuckin' TRAINWRECK! And no, I truly wouldn't - not if I was paid. I don't dig on wrinkles.

  • March 29, 2006, 3:52 p.m. CST

    ps, Massa -

    by ikkyu

    I do dig your reviews: informed, informative and bloody funny - good show, sir.

  • March 29, 2006, 4:30 p.m. CST

    Only way to impress todays audience...

    by NathanH

    Sharon Stone could start out by jerking off all of the Budweiser Clydsdales, then give Ellen tv's first live enema, and afterwards lying down on the stage to recieve tv's first lesbian ass shower. After that, she could cane Paris Hilton untill her ass bled and she cried and begged for mercy. At which point she would rub salt in the wounds while she twisted the clothespins attached to her nipples. She could then make an impromptu visit to her elderly father, who, being bedridden, would be overjoyed at the thought of an afternoon visit from his celebrity daughter! How suprised he will be when his daughter reaches under his blankets, and begins to molest his antiquarian privates! He will demand she desist, but his pleas will fall on deaf ears as Mrs. Stone mounts his bed and drops a long, steamy one on his chest.

  • March 29, 2006, 5:30 p.m. CST

    One of the funniest reviews this site has EVER put up

    by Gabba-UK

    "Distributing a film that even manages to come close to how bad this is seems pretty much like a mathematical improbability." Fucking diamond bullet to the forehead comic genius!! MGM, put that review quote on the poster!! seriously, you'll have the curious, fuck-wits and other fuck-tards queuing round the block to see it!

  • March 29, 2006, 5:48 p.m. CST

    BEST .REVIEW.EVER.

    by The Symbiote

    i havent laughed so hard since i read the AICN "SON OF THE MASK" review, i actually had to get up and walk away after reading the first few paragraphs.....

  • March 29, 2006, 5:49 p.m. CST

    re: Basic Instinct 3: Tokyo Droft

    by Dollar Bird

    "Watch as pimped out Honda Civic spins out of control along Stone's vaginal walls." ... That's hilarious. Bravo.

  • March 29, 2006, 6:02 p.m. CST

    I FOUND ESZTERHAS!!!

    by Joseph Merrick

    This just in: A press release for a new film called CHILDREN OF GLORY, which "will commemorate Hungary

  • March 29, 2006, 6:05 p.m. CST

    Hairy bobbing man ass

    by Mattapooh

    Oh man, Bill Hicks references immediately make everything better. Everyone here has to check out his trashing of the original Basic Instinct. Also, I really have to agree with the poster who said that easily obtainable internet porn has completely made this type of flick irrelevant, I figure that completely nails it. I remember being thirteen-years-old or something when the original came out and watching it just because it was the only way my friends and I could see that kind of action. Now I just go back to the Ava Devine stash and skip to the best parts. Even watching the Hustler channel gets old when you can't pick and choose what you want to see and get right to the juicy parts.

  • March 29, 2006, 6:25 p.m. CST

    All Hail Joe Eszterhas- the Santa Clause of Sleaze

    by Laserbrain

    You know, I don't even like Eszterhas' writing but goddamn that memoir of his was gold. I love this man! The first and last Rock God of Screenwriters!

  • March 29, 2006, 7:03 p.m. CST

    Two really funny reviews from Massa....

    by jollysleeve

    I don't really follow the individual reviewers' styles on this site that closely, but that's two really funny reviews from the same guy on the main page. This and Ice Age. Good work.

  • March 29, 2006, 8:41 p.m. CST

    Hmm...

    by Evil Chicken

    Yeah, it looks horrible.

  • March 29, 2006, 9:17 p.m. CST

    TORQUE is completely ridiculous, but I loved it!

    by fAbs

    Torque was a completely brainless movie with a stupid plot, but it WORKED and most importantly it was ENTERTAINING as well as fun! It never took itself seriously and never tried to be anything more than a brainless action movie with an unbelievable plot and even more unbelievable action. When one of the characters in Torque said a stupid line and the entire audience laughs, it's fine because you get the feeling that it is MEANT to be laughed at, that that is what the creators wanted. That is the key difference between Torque and Basic Instinct 2 (I'm assuming, based on your review since I haven't seen the movie myself yet); Basic Instinct 2 takes itself seriously.

  • March 29, 2006, 10:17 p.m. CST

    Over at Rotten Tomatoes..........

    by darthbinks1220

    Three of twelve critics counted thus far actually LIKE Basic Instinct 2. I'd still be stunned if this flick grosses 10 mil opening weekend.

  • March 30, 2006, 1:54 a.m. CST

    Massawyrm and Merrick, here are all the missing scenes

    by BilboFett

    Massa, what gave you the idea that the R-rated movie was going to have all those nc-17 type scenes? It will be on the DVD. BUT WAIT! Here's the scenes in full glory! http://tinyurl.com/pky33

  • March 30, 2006, 5:57 a.m. CST

    Sharon Stone won't impress me until

    by Drunken Rage

    she shits in her own mouth. Oh, and Shannon Tweed is still the hottest woman on the planet, even with all the needless cosmetic surgery.

  • March 30, 2006, 9:03 a.m. CST

    Stone and Stallone

    by pumaman

    Now if you don't want to see some beefy Man-ass I'd avoid The Specialist like the Plague - but if you want to see a jaw droppingly gorgeous looking Shazza - then that's the dvd to watch. Oh, and Eric Roberts is fucking superbly mental as the baddie in that flick. As for Basic Sphincter 2 - it'll be in the bargain bins in Walmart this time next year.

  • March 30, 2006, 9:06 a.m. CST

    PS.. Sharon Stone dyes her pubes

    by pumaman

    there's no way in Hell a woman with eyebrows as dark as that has a naturally golden thatch . And why the Hell did she have to surgically enhance what were already amazingly pert boobies. It now looks like she's had a couple of Tangerines shoved under her skin.

  • March 30, 2006, 9:14 a.m. CST

    Apparently where Joe Eszterhas has been ...

    by Shan

    Supposedly no films made of his scripts since 1997. However, supposedly he's been paid $20 million for unproduced scripts since then though. Smart man ...

  • March 30, 2006, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Why are MGM allowed to lie about content?

    by scrumdiddly

    Seriously, if they *advertised* scenes that aren't in the movie, isn't that false advertising? Bleh. Incidentally, after seeing those horrendous TV spots, with all the stupid, wheezy "hhhow do ya picture it... ... ...Doctor?" lines, my immediate impression was that there's no indication of sex anywhere.

  • March 30, 2006, 11:01 a.m. CST

    the uk boner.

    by dirty old len

    Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it opens here in the u.k. tomorrow (31st) and apparently it will contain about 90% of what was in the internet trailer (the other 10 was either marketting shots or cut for pace). So if nothing else this seething pile of shit will make some money if only from the twitchy raincoat crew. Oh and that FUGLY pic......... eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. if you aint seen it you need to. It would make ron jeremy lose his horn.

  • March 30, 2006, 11:51 a.m. CST

    Excremental Review

    by Cumlauncher

    Some things never cease to amaze me. The size of my massive bulbous cock and how some reviews can ramble and rant on for hours and say exactly...fuckall. Way to go Wyrm!

  • March 30, 2006, 1 p.m. CST

    Speaking Of Belated Sequels

    by peter skellen

    Isn't it about time they got the Police Academy gang back for another adventure? Are any of them still alive?

  • March 30, 2006, 4 p.m. CST

    I just love how The Phantom Menace always crops up..

    by Malx

    in 'worst sequel' discussions. Burn, baby, burn.

  • March 30, 2006, 4:24 p.m. CST

    "most astute and well trained of

    by Neosamurai85

    I own The Dungeon of Harrow. Bring it! Peace.

  • March 31, 2006, 12:53 a.m. CST

    Not enough Sex? Download the cut scenes for B.I.2

    by LargoJr

    I can't stand Sharon Stone, never could. I think she's just another over-hyped, untalented slag who had the pure shit luck of getting a brain tumor after people stopped talking about her snatch. But I've SEEN the scenes that WILL be included in the DVD release, and I have to admit something. While the sex scenes are ALMOST Uwe Boll (Bloodrayne) awefull, Sharon looked fantastic. No body doubles there, as most of the scenes include full-profile view, full body contact. I was impressed, if only with how she managed to get herself into shape for the movie. Is this movie a turd? YES!!! But don't think for a single moment it isn't chock full of sleazy, gutter-mucking sex. Whatever Massawyrm saw, obviously didn't include everything I've just watched. I'm sure the DVD will deliver. We've all heard the horror stories of a completed project getting gang-rape edited at the last second without warning or reasonable justification.... this is probably one of those situations.

  • March 31, 2006, 12:54 a.m. CST

    merrick

    by ImissGnR

    nothing against the review etc. but which contest did he win to review anything? cause i think harry pulled talk-backers out of a hat and he came up.

  • March 31, 2006, 3:52 a.m. CST

    Its a Known Fact...

    by Its_Bill

    ...that Sharon Stone would allow herself to be filmed kneeling on all fours eating dog turds off a suburban lawn for just one more chance to be the 'it' girl so she could fuck it all up again and remind herself and us that she has nothing to offer (herself, or us)

  • March 31, 2006, 3:53 a.m. CST

    Its a Known Fact...

    by Its_Bill

    ...that Sharon Stone would allow herself to be filmed kneeling on all fours eating dog turds off a suburban lawn for just one more chance to be the 'it' girl so she could fuck it all up again and remind herself and us that she has nothing to offer (herself, or us)

  • March 31, 2006, 11:45 a.m. CST

    ACTUAL excerpt from an ABC puff-piece on the movie

    by HypeEndsHere

    "Indeed, "Basic Instinct" has endured as a landmark in popular cinema. Stone's sex scenes with Douglas were so elaborate and choreographed that they were once dubbed "the horizontal Fred and Ginger of the '90s.""

  • March 31, 2006, 6:33 p.m. CST

    Well it opens today

    by Undead Neverhood

    Anyone here want to place bets on its opening position. I'm betting 8th with a dramatic drop to 23rd by next weekend.

  • April 1, 2006, 10:12 a.m. CST

    Episode I WAS a gargantuan success...

    by The Dubliner

    ...it made huge amounts of money at the box offices, it made huge amounts of money on DVD, and it is appreciated by millions of people the world over.

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