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Hallenbeck Reviews APT PUPIL and GODS & MONSTERS
Hey folks, Harry here to introduce yet another of that scurvy man about Hollywood reviews... Joe Hallenbeck. That's right you hate him. And you folks over there... well ya love him. And them... those people yawning, they really don't give a excrement. But here, Joe is gonna be a happy boy, cause he saw a couple of worthwhile films. And that's all the kibbles and bits this pitbull reviewer needs to stop foaming at the mouth and waving his big bad bat around, or so you would think. I love both of these films, well Joe... He's a dog that just needs to be put down. Old Yeller style. He took on the wolves, but now he's just plain mean. Or he just has a different opinion. Awww heck, it's his right to be a foaming insane beast monster. So what if he thought the two films boring, Joe just needs to calm down and stop playing with his privates long enough to focus. Hahahahahaha! Boy am I gonna get an earful from Joe about this intro. Screw em. On to Joe and his look at Apt Pupil and Gods & Monsters... Someday I'll forgive his blasphemy... (just in case you didn't know, this was written with a wink and a smile you turd blossums)
There are a few things I know that are certain in life:
1. I'll never like a Woody Allen Film.
2. After the death of Bea Arthur, an autopsy will be performed and the
World will finally know what I have believed to be true all along - SHE
WAS A MAN, BABY!
3. Sir Ian McKellen will walk away with an Oscar Nom this year for one
of his two Brilliant Performances.
The latter will be the topic of my next rant and rave(#2 will be dealt
with after my lawyers look into some "legalities" dealing with
"Slander").
Many have known for years that Sir Ian is one of the finest
"Classically" trained actors working today. I can't say I've been a fan
of his work, but what I have seen of it has always impressed me. This
year, Sir Ian will join the ranks of another aging Englishman who
finally paid his dues and has become a fav amongst the "Commoners" and
Casting Directors. That Master Thespian being Sir Anthony Hopkins. True,
he has been around for quite some time, but it wasn't until his
spellbinding performance as that incarcerated, canibilistic Shrink that
the "People" finally took notice. The mere mention of his name
sends an Average Joe into a frenzy. Now, everyone knows what an
incredible actor Sir Anthony is. Come next year, everyone will know the
same is true for Sir Ian. Don't jump to any conclusions here, I'm not
saying either of his 2 movies will be as successful or as popular as
Silence(as a matter of fact, they won't even be close). I do know,
however, this man's name will be on the lips of those pesky casting
directors in the very near future. He just won't be another, "Great
Shakespearian Actor" whose artistry can't cross over to a mainstream
Film.
Sir Ian's performances in GODS AND MONSTERS and APT PUPIL couldn't be
any more different. In one film he plays a power-hungry, nihilistic,
control-freak monster and in the other he plays a Nazi. The care and
restraint he puts behind each performance shows that this man is a
master of his craft.
GODS AND MONSTERS
THE PLOT - James Whales(as you better know!) was, of course, the man
behind
some of the finest films ever made. His touch brought a certain dignity
to the horror films of yore. What could've turned out to be pure
Hollywood mindless crap(like most of today's films) became scary,
metaphorical "boogie" Flicks that had a message. There was a certain
"Class" about these movies...as there was about their Director. While
the movie has a few occasional flashbacks dealing with his past, what it
mainly concerns itself with is his quasi-homosexual relationship with
his Heterosexual Gardener(Brendan Fraser).
THE DIRECTING - pardon my ignorance, but for the life of me I cannot
recall who wrote and directed this film(I punish myself later by seeing
Holy Man again...The Horror. The Horror.). Names aside, I'd just like to
say this chap did a mighty fine job with that camera. What could've been
a mundane look into the lives of two strangers who become friends turned
into a crafty "suspense" film of sorts. For some unknown reason this
film reminded me of Silence of the Lambs. I guess one reason has to deal
with the fact these two characters were swapping info about each other
throughout the course of the film. Another reason has to do with the
"look" of this film. It's almost Gothic...like one of Whales' films. It
has this eerie feel to it. It's a full blown drama, but sometimes I felt
like I was watching a creepy little horror film. Kudos to the director,
cinematographer, and art director for making this film at least "look"
more scary than what it really is.
THE WRITING - Trying to tell the story of a real life Film maker who
just happens to lust after young boys can be a very tricky task. It
takes a certain balance of melodrama, a love for movies and care for the
human psyche to pull off such a feat. The screenwtiter, in this case,
proves he is more than up the the task. However, that's not to say the
film doesn't have faults. It's main fault is that it's pretty boring. I
was fascinated by certain scenes and plot points in this movie, but as
whole, I felt rather bored while watching it. This movie will have great
difficulty finding an audience.
The one thing that will attract filmgoers(mainly) is Sir Ian himself.
One scene in particular stands out in my head...a scene that was written
magnificently. The "Bernard" story was absolutely riveting. His mere
words conjured up images of War that were 1000 times more horrific than
what I saw in Saving Private Ryan. When Ian's telling that story, I felt
like I was in that foxhole wih him.
THE ACTING - damn impressive all around.
Sir Ian McKellen - what can I write about this gent that I haven't
already written? He delivers a knock out performance that's as creepy as
it is sympathetic. You feel for this "Monster"...this outcast. This
character is a pervert, an artist, and a misfit all at once(sorta like
me...except for the artist part). You feel for the guy, yet, if you were
in Brendan situation, you would fear him as well. This is a very
difficult character to bring to life. Most actors wouldn't take a role
like this NOT because of it's homosexual overtones, but because of it's
multi-faceted psychological underpinnings. Sir Ian not only took it, but
he made this difficult character come to life brilliantly.
Brendan Fraser - first off, let me say I pretty much hate this guy all
around. I find him to be as untalented and as vapid as Keanu Reeves.
Correction -- I used to think that way. I don't know what happened here,
but Brendan can finally act. He still annoys me to a certain degree(like
Christian Slater), but like that wannabe JACK, Brendan is slowly coming
around and learning the tricks of the trade(plus, I think he's been
taking some acting classes). He's definitely not Acadmy Material here,
but he managed, at least in my mind, to erase all those dreadul
performances of yesteryear with his confused gardener role. With a
couple more classes this gent might make the Hallenbeck grade
afterall(ADVICE TO BRENDAN FROM THE MIGHTY ONE: Do a few more movies
with actors like Sir Ian. Suck them dry of their acting skills. After
that, put them to good use. And by all means, DON'T DO ANOTHER
GEORGE FLICK!...unless they offer you eight figures and points.).
THE MUSIC - chalk up another fantastic brooding score to Carter Burwell's
long list of fantastic brooding scores. I'm definitely picking this
puppy up when it's released.
OVERALL - While fascinating and well-acted, I found this movie to be
pretty boring at times. I wouldn't recommend this film to anyone who is
not an avid movie buff. However, if you want to see one of the finest
performances commited to screen this year, then, by all means, GO!!!
APT PUPIL:
As some of you may know I hold Bryan Singer's last film, THE USUAL
SUSPECTS, in very high regard. As a matter of fact, come the end of next
year, I'm pretty sure this incredible film will appear on my Top Ten
Movies of the Decade List. The question now is, "Will APT PUPIL kick the
cinematic ass that Suspects did?" I'm afraid that's a definite NO!!! Did
I hate this film? -- No, but I was very disappointed with it.
THE PLOT - It's that old Boy Meets Escaped Nazi, Boy and Nazi form an
uneasy friendship, then Nazi asks Boy to take care of his dirty work
kinda stories. Like with Gods and Monsters, this story is also about the
unusual friendship that forms between an old man and a curious, lonely
boy. That, of course, is where the comparison stop. While Gods actually
builds up to an interesting climax filled with suspense and a few
messages, Apt peters out half way through and becomes a very boring
piece of tripe.
THE DIRECTING - Bryan sure knows how to set the mood and develop his
characters. Unfortunately, with Apt, nothing interesting happens to
these two lost souls. What started out as an involving psychological
thriller about pure evil turned into a really bad TV Movie of the week.
I'll give Bryan credit -- he made it as creepy as he possibly could.
It's just unfortunate the script wasn't better.
THE WRITING - I never read King's original Novelella, but I'm told it
ends with a bang. I only wish the movie had more "umpfh" to it in those
last few minutes. About 1 hour into this movie the film does a 180 and
turns into pure shit. They build upon the psychotic factor of this
impressionable boy, but the payoff they give us is as unsatisfying as
the sex I had last night with my neighbor's cat. I was surprised they
didn't play some lame-o Pop Song during the montage scene where Renfro
is studying his ass off. I just wanted to scream out and ask the
filmmaker's, why, IN STEVEN'S NAME, did they turn an incredibly
facinating portrait of the depravity of the human mind into a fuckin
after school special?!!! What were they thinking? This kid was being
groomed into one psychotic SOB and they just have him say a few
"threatening" words to a certain individual at the end of the movie.
Ooo, I'm scared. The bad guys win and we don't give a fuck. There is
absolutely nothing positive or remotely interesting one can extract from
this movie. The movie remindid me of a roller coaster that goes
nowhere...it's a great, suspenseful climb to the top, but once you get
to the peak the damn track just levels off and goes straight foward to
the end without encountering any kind of bumps or hills along the way.
And yes, people -- I got the movie. I understood the paper thin message
the filmmakers were trying to convey, but I, like the majority of people
who'll see this film, didn't like that message. When dealing with
Nazi-ism, I personally don't want to see them win...let alone create new
members to join their ranks.
THE ACTING - once again, top notch all around.
Sir Ian McKellen - Once again Sir Ian shows the world that he can act
with the best of them. His chilling performance as the epitome of evil
will send shivers down moviegoers spines. Yet, at the same time, this
old chap is likable. You almost feel sorry for him when that little
bastard Renfro blackmails this escaped Nazi into telling him horrific
stories that took place in the Death Camps. It will be interesting to
see if the Academy nominates Ian for a more flashy role of evil like
this or for the misunderstood monster he portrayed in Gods and Monsters.
Brad Renfro - One word of advice from The Mighty One: DON'T FUCK UP YOUR
CAREER!!! You are on the fast track to becoming a great actor. You're
young, dumb, and full of cum. Don't let those last two descriptions get
in the way of your artistry. Have fun, yes, but don't pull a Pheonix on
us. After seeing you in this and last year's underrated flick, Telling
Lies in America, you have proven to the Mighty One that you have some
acting chops. Just Don't Fuck It Up!!!
THE MUSIC - John Ottman is the best of the new crop of composers(ie
Rabin, Arnold, Mancina, Powell, Beltrami, Revell, etc...). His style and
technique are always haunting and lyrical. I love this man's work! My
God -- he even wrote an awesome score for a piece of shit,
direct-to-video movie called INCOGNITO, for CHISSAKES!!! I can't wait to
hear what he comes up with for THE X-MEN. I'm still pissed he wasn't
nominated for Suspects. Let's just hope those Academy Bastards don't
ignore him any more!
OVERALL - This is a March Movie: In like a Lion and out like a lamb. For
a movie like this(particularly one that deals with such disturbing
subject matter) that old saying should read the complete opposite. It's
a shame, too. The filmmaker's really had everything going for them.
Unfortunately, the magic just wasn't on the page.
So, geeks and geekettes, what has The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck taught ye
all today?
1. Sir Ian McKellen is an incredible actor that will be recognized this
year by the Academy for his spectacular performances in mediocre films.
2. One day, we'll all find out that Bea Arthur is a man.
And, most importantly:
3. Never say no to a sailor.
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
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Both movies are better than Joe gives them credit for. While neither is Best Picture material, trust me, both will definitely leave a lasting impression. PS: Hey Joe.......You are WHACK. In a film, it's ok for the bad guy to come out on top. It's "real-life" where we should worry about that particular win/loss column. Just a thought.
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HALLENBACK...YOU S.O.B.!!!! YOU DON'T LIKE ANYTHING. APT PUPIL WILL BE TERRIFIC. I HATE YOUR REVIEWS.
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Hallenback...you S.O.B., I hate your reviews. You don't like anything. How in the hell did you become a critic.
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Sir Ian won't be nominated for either performance. This isn't through any fault of his own, but through the system the Academy has for counting the votes of the nominations. This logically bereft rules item holds that if an actor delivers two or more award-worthy performances, the vote-coutners are to randomly pick one performance and count the votes for that and only that performance. You heard me right--I said randomly pick. They may do it on the basis of whichever performance is doing well in the vote-counting at the beginning of an evening, but this, of course, ignores the possibility of a medium or late surge.
For example, let's say McKellen's performance in Gods and Monsters is chosen. He doesn't get enough votes to be nominated for it. He does, however, get enough votes to be nominated for his Apt Pupil turn.
It doesn't matter! He doesn't get nominated for either one, because the vote-counters are completely ignoring the Apt Pupil performance.
What this little piece of trivia (I discovered it in Roger Ebert's question-and-answer section in his 1995 Video Guide) means is that there could have been (and certainly have been) scores of performances over the years which received enough votes to get nominated and were ignored. (It would certainly explain the lack of a nod for Samuel L. Jackson's acting in Eve's Bayou or Jackie Brown -
I was under the distinct impression Gods & Monsters was scored by Carter Burwell. Has he been replaced by Howard Shore or was there a mistake in Joe's review?
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Is it me, or is "Hallenbeck" the biggest fucking dork you've ever met? He probably can't make a movie worth a shit and he doesn't have a REAL job reviewing movies--and on top of that he's a fucking geek--in my book that makes him a LOSER.
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Harry, did you even read Hallenbeck's review? It's James Whale, not "Whales." And this wasn't just Joe trying to be cute, either. Did he even see the damn movie (which, for the record, was directed by Bill Condon.) That review could've been written on prior knowledge of the film. Oh, well..... what do I expect. You guys liked The Mighty.
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hey joe, i dig your reviews usually. i mean, sure, you guys all fall for that hollywood, big budget bullshit too easily. (i mean, "armageddon?" puh-leaze.) but i have to question your comment about woody allen.
ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?
who, in recent years, has given us the pure VOLUME of brilliant movies. "annie hall." "manhattan." "hannah and her sisters." "bullets over broadway." "crimes and misdemeanors." "love and death." "husbands and wives." "zelig." "take the money and run." "sleeper." "broadway danny rose." "the purple rose of cario."
sure, he uses the same casts a lot, but doesn't marty? sure, he revisits similiar themes, BUT WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T? I MEAN, DIDN'T SPIELBERG REMAKE PETER PAN A HUNDRED TIMES IN THE 80S? DOESN'T BURTON BASICALLY REMAKE THE FRANKENSTEIN MYTH OVER AND OVER AGAIN?
people, let's recognize woody for what he is: an extremely fucked up, probably disgusting human who is one of the greatest artists of the 20th century.
mighty joe, re-watch "manhattan." no true lover of cinema can hate that movie. -
Hey, I am the only person out there who saw Richard III? Not only did that movie kick ass, but Ian McKellan was amazing. That performance ranks up there with any that I have seen. If you haven't seen it, don't be afraid by Shakespeare, go out and rent it now!
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Whoever was saying Hallenbeck was merely criticizing Woody as a person needs to be more careful in reading what their posting about! His exact words " I'll never like a Woody Allen movie!" How much more clear than that can you put it? In my opinion, Woody's the man
(artistically, not personally), but Joe is entitled to his opinions, too. So what if he doesn't like Woody? Also, Baseketball is Mr. Hanky without a cute hat, a voice, moving limbs- just poo, even for a South Park fan like me. Hope Apt Pupil is better than he says... Harry, post spoiler warnings before reviews like this! I pretty much know the ending of Apt Pupil now! Great..... -
Jeez guys, lighten up. I think Mighty Joe writes some of the funniest reviews around. At least he is creative, a concept which you people seem to have a lot of trouble with. Personally, I have never seen so much juvenile name calling since grade school. And besides, since when does having your own opinion make you a "ball sac"? You all seem to have your own opinions. If you don't like him, don't read his reviews. Keep up the good work, Joe!
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Some of us might not want to know the ending of Apt Pupil before we see it.
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Harry, is it common knowledge that the bad guys win in Apt Pupil?
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Why do so many posters sound like they just ran out of Prozac and haven't gotten laid since it's invention. Lighten up will ya. I don't see no need to trash Hallenbeck and each other just because not everyone has the same opinions. Since I haven't seen Apt I
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Is the damn movie ever coming to Maryland or to video?
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It's about time Sir Ian moved into the spotlight. He's always had the range. Not only has he played Richard II and III on stage multiple times, the film adaptation was of his conception and is one of the most brilliant "modernizations" of Shakespeare around. I read somewhere that he's taking off to do theater for the next half-year. Good for him.
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I got nothing on Hallenbeck. I may disagree with him on some accounts, but NEWSFLASH: THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO!! Just because ONE guy doesn't like a movie doesn't automatically make it bad. If there's a movie I want to see, I really don't give a rat's ass what anyone said about, I'm going to go see it. People have opinions and I think most of you should form your own instead of criticizing another's.
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What a crying bunch of bitches...Everyone and anyone who frequently visits this site knows exactly what one of Mighty Joe's reviews is like, so if they piss you off so much, why read them? Save your masochistic energy for that shitty Superman flick you are all whacking off thinking about.
I often read his reviews for the chuckles provided by his caustic and rude commentary, not for his opinion of a particular film. If someone's opinions pissed me off that much, I don't seek them out (that's why I don't listen to fucking Rush Limbaugh). But then again, why do I bother to read Talk Back??
P.S. James Whales directed all those Free Willy films. -
Man do I HATE to agree with Hallenback on anything...thats why I am so glad I dont have to now. First of all, Woody Allen has made some damn fine films its a shame Joe has such a bad taste in his mouth for ole Woody. Secondly, for christ sake Joe get your dick out of a freaking cat. No wonder you didnt like Apt Pupil...you must have cried during the cat scene. Thirdly, THE BAD GUY WINS!!! FINALLY A MOVIE THAT HAS GUTS!!! That was Bryan Singer tellin your ass this is MY movie not YOURS. Thats why I hated What Dreams May Come...no bravery at all. Finally, Joe is one lame sack of shit when it comes to his movie reviews, but God does he make me laugh at times...so kudos to Joe for that much.
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My God, some of you people make me sick. just cause a man doesn't like a movie doesn't mean he's a complete idiot. Hallenbeck isn't really forcing his opinions on you, he just has a lot of passion when it comes to movies, and he is dissapointed when a movie doesn't measure up to what it could have been. At least he has the balls to say what he says. Like here's something I'm going to admit right now: I hated HATED Good Will Hunting. I thought it was a boring piece of crap. It was very predictable and nothing even remotley interesting happened. (Well maybe the guy who spooged on the baseball glove.) So what does thiis make me? Am I an idiot because I don't agree with the rest of the world? No. Am I less of a human being because my opinons differ from my next door neighbor? i don't think so. So you can bitch and moan all you want. Hallenbeck's opinions aren't gonna change. He's bold, vulgar, and pretty damn funny. Which in my opinion makes him the best reviewer on the site.
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And I suppose one day we'll find out Joe's a man, too...
But somehow I doubt it because cockroaches certainly seem to live forever. -
So, Joe Hallenbeck writes opinionated, loud-mouthed, infantile rants and raves, and implies that anyone who disagrees with him is -- well, a fool, to put it mildly. Then, other people -- who disagree with his pungently-stated opinion -- reply in kind. Just the way he did. And then _other_ people get upset with _those_ people for using a similar attitude to Joe's...? I don't get it.
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Everyone's bitching about the slight against Woody, but what about my babe Bea! You leave her and her succulent rack outta this!
And for a guy who hates Brendan Fraser's acting, what were ya doing watching 'Airheads,' then? -
I am very, very, gay.
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You guys won't believe it, but I finally did it, my dream has come true. Last night, after a special private performance in LA, I swindled my way back stage and landed the opportunity to suck the cock of none other than Miss Polly Jean Harvey herself! It was so huge! Talk about man-sized! Oh, my poor aching mouth!
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Now i could just be mistaken but if Magic Midget keeps on righting fuck over and over again, I have a feeling that, how ever slim, he has wayyyyyyy to much time on his hands. Just a thought. Oh yes. And midget i think I'm going to deal with you like I've dealt with all the assholes i've met in my life and the rest of us should too. We're just going to ignore you. So you can type fuck as many times as you want but nobody cares and nobody is going to do anything.
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Leave it to Hallenbeck to once more write lucid, creative and well reasoned critiques. Like a laser beam, he cuts through the crap to tell it like it is.
Apt Pupil looks like a disappointment except for the performances -- and don't forget, Hallenbeck was right about Armageddon ($200 million box office).
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Earlier, someone who was not me, posted a message implicating me as a fanny poker. I don't think I am, but I must say that I REALLY like the brush of a moustache on the smooth patch of my nutsack. In any case, APT PUPIL IS ONE OF THE BEST FILMS OF THE YEAR AND YOU ALL WILL BE KICKING YOURSELF COME OSCAR TIME IF YOU DON'T GO SEE IT NOW! BE AMONG THE FIRST! SUPPORT THIS FILM AND REJECT ALL THE OTHER PRETENTIOUS AND/OR MINDLESS DRIVEL THAT THE STUDIO SYSTEM FOISTS UPON US MOVIEGOERS YEAR AFTER YEAR. EMBRACE THIS FILM! LOVE THIS FILM! LEARN FROM THIS FILM!!
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All work and no play makes Magic Midget a dull fuckhead All work and no play makes Magic Midget a dull fuckhead All work and no play makes Magic Midget a dull fuckhead All work and no play makes Magic Midget a dull fuckhead All work and no play makes Magic Midget a dull fuckhead....(you get the idea)...
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Harry, this review gives away the ending of "Apt Pupil." I really, really wish that you had posted a spoiler warning like you usually do in such circumstances. Please be more careful in the future.
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Magic Midget, you would not exist w/o AICN. Get on your knees and start sucking, bitch.
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It is confirmed. I personally have sampled the sweet, pungent fruit that is Jonathan Schwartz's ass. That being said, he is indeed a "colon cowboy" and as such, his opinions should be immediately disregarded. Thank you for your attention. And please support me in my fight against an untimely death. Peace, out.
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Never call a Welshman English, he is likely to pay you a visit in the darkest hours and beat you senseless.
The UK consists of four DIFFERENT countries + N.Ireland, try not to forget it.
Mark Turner,
Swansea, Wales.
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