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Massawyrm gets down on all fours and humps the doggy breath out of SHAGGY DOG!

Hey folks, Harry here... Massawyrm has gone stark raving looney tunes. Or more likely pure silly symphonies, since he's blowing the dog pic from the mouse house. If you've been thinking about taking your mutts, it seems that according to this wacko, there's a .0002% chance that you'll agree with him. You see, one time when little Wyrm had hopped out of the shower, he remembered he'd left his 10 sided dice out under the big tree in the backyard with his pack of cigarettes. The family dog had at him, but to bury the memory, and hide the scar.... he just pretended it was an Irish Priest. Thus the shaggy dog legend came to be poignant to him. Here... I'll let him explain...

Hola all. Massawyrm here. You know, being the kid in the back of the Ain’t it Cool bus (admittedly, it’s a short bus) means jumping on a lot of grenades. It means taking a lot of bullets. It means going to movies like The Shaggy Dog. Willfully. And it also means answering a lot of questions – mostly one word questions. “So what are you seeing tonight?” “The Shaggy Dog.” “Why?” “Because no one else will.” “I know that. But, why? Isn’t there paint drying somewhere that could use a review?” “Yes, and I believe it was directed by Lars Von Trier. So I’m going to see the Shaggy Dog.” “Why?”

You see, as some talkbacker somewhere (up way past his bedtime) is more than ready to announce, The Shaggy Dog isn’t Cool News. It’s a Disney film. A Disney Live Action Film. And those stopped being cool ages ago, right? Well, first of all, while I’m about to go into a coffee induced rant about Disney here in a moment let me preface it with two points. One, it’s not the rant you think it’s going to be. And two, Geeks have kids too, and not a family film that I review goes by without at least a few e-mails trickling in from concerned geek parents double checking whether or not the film is right for their children. And if you don’t have kids, I’ve got a crisp $5 bill in my pocket that says your mind is already made up about The Shaggy Dog. So there are only three reasons you might be reading this. 1) You’re a parent trying to find out if you can stomach this instead of dropping the kids off while you buy two tickets for The Hills Have Eyes 2) you’re my mother or 3) You’re hoping to read a scathing, giggle worthy review validating your presumptions. Unless of course Harry posted a headline about me liking it, at which point you’re reading this to find out just how far off the deep end I’ve gone.

Because, as it turns out, I actually liked this quite a bit.

I know. I know. I saw that trailer too. I know it’s a Live Action Tim Allen Movie (but he did do GalaxyQuest, so throw that argument right out the window.) I know it’s a Disney film. And yet, it’s pink slip time at Disney. Seriously. Time to fire some knuckleheads. No, not top brass. Not the director. Not whoever is heading up the live action feature department. Marketing. Can ‘em. All of ‘em. Seriously. You see, somewhere along the line, sometime very recently in fact, someone at Disney smacked themselves upside the head and said “Holy shit! We’re Disney. We’re not supposed to be making KIDDIE films. We’re supposed to be making FAMILY films.” There’s a big difference. And from a studio that seemed to put out a solid film only when it could sneak it out the back door, we’re now getting a fairly steady stream of really enjoyable, classic style Disney offerings. Hell, my favorite film of last year (not the best, but the one I’ve watched more than any other and has become my new ‘comfort’ film) is Sky High, a perfect little Superhero movie that if you’re a geek and you haven’t seen it, well you owe it to yourself to do so. Eight Below, Glory Road, Chronicles of Narnia – all very good family films – even Herbie: Fully Loaded turned out to be a great little Herbie film. No, as it turns out someone at the Mouse House has dedicated themselves toward rebuilding the classic Disney brand name when it comes to features films. And they’re doing it film by film. But nobody told marketing. They apparently still think they’re selling crappy kids movies. The Shaggy Dog trailer is a perfect example of this.

Where the hell is Craig Kilborn? No, I know he’s not a big part of the film. I know the kids don’t know who he is. But their parents do. And many of them like him. Sure he’s just doing his Hollywood Jerk routine that he did for 5 years on late night television – but in the role of the asshole neighbor it’s perfect, and managed to make both the kids and the adults laugh, sometimes with just a clever one liner. They couldn’t have slipped one of those in there? Okay, fine. Make excuses. How about Danny Glover? Yes, another minor character, but someone who manages to add a touch of class to this. Couldn’t have a solid shot of him in this, either? What about Jane “you ignorant slut” Curtain as the judge. The trailer had courtroom scenes. They could have given us a moment with Jane that was long enough to recognize her so those of us over the age of thirty could go “Holy Crap! She’s in this too?” Alright, fine. I’m naming well cast small characters. Hardly a major selling point. But riddle me this, Batman. Where the FUCK is Robert Downey Jr. in that trailer? Seriously. He’s all over this thing. He’s the freaking villain for Christ’s sake. And he’s funny. Really funny. He’s doing his classic neurotic routine, only amped up and over exaggerated for the kids. And it’s classic stuff, Grade A material, much of which is very trailer worthy. They couldn’t show the parents Robert Downey Jr. being funny for a few seconds to convince them to come see it with their kids? No?

No. No. They wanted to show us 2 solid minutes of Stupid Human Tricks. And those are the parts of the film that just don’t work. Most of the time. For the parents. Because despite my distaste for these sequences, and probably despite yours, these antics had the kids positively howling. Sure, that’s not exactly the hardest thing to do, but this was some serious enjoyment on the part of the kids that I’m talking about. Frankly, I’ve never seen an audience of kids go so bugfuck crazy for a film. Any film. And when the film sunk to what I as a viewer considered the absolute low – actually playing “Who let the dogs out” during a sequence of stupid human tricks, my eyes rolled so far to the back of my head that I suffered optic nerve damage. But not the kids. No. They were on their feet, clapping, stomping and singing along like it was a fucking Raffi concert. It was unreal. There was plenty retarded here. Jokes about lifting the leg at the urinal, butt smelling and direct pandering with Tim Allen uttering “To Infinity and Beyond.” And I hated every single one of these. But the kids loved it.

But certainly, if I said I really liked this it can’t be just because the kids loved it and it had a great cast. Nope. I liked it because when it wasn’t pulling the stupid human shtick, it was actually, honestly, being funny. Funny in a very Animaniacs sort of way. Yes, yes. I know. I’m invoking a pretty powerful comparison. But really. There’s Animaniacs level humor in here. The trailer just didn’t bother to show it to you. While most films aimed at the “Family” treat the kids to stupid humor, the adults are usually left with nothing but Post-Modern movie riffs within a movie (Yeah, Dreamworks Animation – I’m looking at you.) Here, everything post-modern (which admittedly isn’t much) is entirely geared at the kids. The adults are treated to a stream of off the cuff, sharply written remarks that honestly, were laugh out loud funny. There’s even a family friendly prison rape joke, if you can imagine such a thing, that almost made me fall out of my chair. I laughed. A lot. And hard. At the Shaggy Dog. And I wasn’t alone. Seriously, I’m as surprised as you.

Bust on Tim Allen all you want, but I’m actually starting to warm up to his Disney dealings. If there’s one thing I took away from the passing of the great and beloved Don Knotts, it’s an admiration for those who mostly dedicate their career to family entertainment. Go back and look at the talkbacks and all the news coverage of his passing. How many mentions do you see of his role in the ribald and very popular for its time Three’s Company? Or his rare, more dramatic TV or film work? Not much if at all. No. People talked about Barney Fife. They talked about the Ghost and Mr. Chicken, The Apple Dumpling Gang, No Deposit No Return. His Disney work. And honestly, I see a lot of parallels between Knotts and Allen. I mean, they both built entire careers out of playing lovable, bumbling, family-friendly oafs on long running television shows, then in film. And the kids just love him. I imagine that 30, 40, maybe 50 years from now, when Tim Allen passes on, he will be remembered with the same fondness by generations who grew up with him, with the same mention of his Disney work he gets so scathingly mocked for now. And if AICN is still around, I’m certain Harry (or whoever has taken the reins from him) will post about it with the headline “To Infinity and Beyond, Buzz Lightyear – The Shaggy Dog has gone to Doggy Heaven.” Because this is that role for Tim Allen. This is where his antics are put to their very best. Despite my not enjoying most of the Stupid Human Shtick, I have to admit there were some parts of it that made me laugh. Not all of it only worked for kids. And I honestly feel that even the parts I didn’t like wouldn’t have been as effective with the kids with a lesser comedic actor – someone not as adept with the oft looked down upon art of physical comedy. Tim Allen plays the lovable oaf better than anyone else out there right now – and while not everyone enjoys that kind of humor, there’s a large market that does. And most of them will whine to their parents about seeing this until mom and dad finally relent. And that audience will be very pleased.

But Allen isn’t alone in this comedic endeavor. Robert Downey Jr. is absolutely classic. Coupled with Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Downey has shown that he’s back in a big way and just as good as he ever was. Jane Curtain and Craig Kilborn steal every scene they’re in, each making the most out of their limited screen time. And the mutant animals, oh dear God, despite being ridiculous taken out of context in the trailer, prove to be both adorable and really, honestly hilarious – when they’re not being WTF bizarre.

I couldn’t believe what I was watching. This isn’t some knock off Disney remake trying to make a little cash by taking a defibrillator to the corpse of well-remembered Disney property. No. It’s a genuine update that captures the spirit of the two original films (this is actually more of a remake of The Shaggy DA rather than the Shaggy Dog) and in some places actually improves upon it. It’s impossible to hate this film. What works for the kids REALLY works for the kids. What works for the adults REALLY works for the adults. No one walked out without a smile on their face. Kids were screaming “That was Awesome!” and begging their parents if they could watch it again right then and there. The adults were laughing and remarking “Wow, I can’t believe that was so good.”

And it was. And Disney needs to fire their marketing department. The Disney brand is back. Sure, it took half a dozen films to convince me, but at least for the time being Disney to me means solid, classic style family entertainment. I can feel good taking my nephews to a live action Disney film I haven’t seen and be confident that we’ll probably have a good time.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not recommending The Shaggy Dog to everyone. Like I said, it’s not perfect. And for those of you without kids I can only recommend it if you already have a disposition towards family films. Otherwise, I don’t think I need to tell you to avoid this. But for those of you with kids that are no doubt already howling and begging to see it, go with them – don’t just drop them off. This is the type of family film you can all enjoy together, and you can experience that feeling your parents had a generation ago taking you to see the classic live action Disney movies of old. It’s good, entertaining, and a rare thing indeed – a movie parents and kids can get the same level of enjoyment out of – even if they’re laughing at completely different things.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.

Massawyrm

If you're into a Shaggy Dog fantasy, but just won't delve into bestiality, I can hook you up with Harry... he likes it ruff ruff!




Readers Talkback
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  • March 8, 2006, 6:15 p.m. CST

    get ON with it!

    by HypeEndsHere

  • March 8, 2006, 6:23 p.m. CST

    by HypeEndsHere

    realization hit. WTF do I care? there is a 0% chance that I will ever see this.

  • March 8, 2006, 6:24 p.m. CST

    Who the christ would see this movie,let alone review it

    by pencil-man

    God damn this looks like utter horse shit. Anyone with me? Looks as bad as Oh God, You Devil! For fucks sake why??

  • March 8, 2006, 6:28 p.m. CST

    and for those of you playing along with the home game..

    by Massawyrm 1

    These are exactly the talkbackers I was referring to, who didn't bother to skim far enough before posting to know they've already been pre-mocked. Dingleberries.

  • March 8, 2006, 6:30 p.m. CST

    Kids Love Stupid Shit

    by pencil-man

    ...but it doesn't mean they have to. Kids love barney because they are stupid. I want an Animaniacs movie, or fuck, gimme a freakazoid movie! Goddamn, something cool and original for the sake of fuck! Bye the way, that review was about 2000 words too fucking long. Fuck this review, take the kids to see The Hills Have Eyes, that'll learn 'em!

  • March 8, 2006, 6:31 p.m. CST

    Poor Craigers

    by Spice-Orange

    I miss the late late show.

  • March 8, 2006, 6:32 p.m. CST

    Mutant animals... sounds interesting

    by pencil-man

    Too bad I don't have any kids ... or friends. *loads shotgun, puts in mouth next to foot.

  • March 8, 2006, 6:34 p.m. CST

    You know what WOULD be funny?

    by pencil-man

    Tim Allen lifting squatting in court and ripping a fat loaf onto the bench. A real steaming pile, oh GOD now THAT'S entertainment! WOOF!

  • March 8, 2006, 6:45 p.m. CST

    Massawyrm, I read on further...

    by Dolph

    ...because I really enjoy your reviews. Cheers mate.

  • March 8, 2006, 6:45 p.m. CST

    Looks like a good movie. FOR ME TO POOP ON.

    by Det. John Kimble

    (I'm just typing what Triumph tells me to.)

  • March 8, 2006, 6:47 p.m. CST

    "Does everyone know what time it is?"

    by AnimeJune

    "Tim Allen time!" An excellent review - I was expecting the Shaggy Dog movie to do what actual shaggy dogs do - lick balls and sniff ass. Now I actually wanna go see it - not in theatres, mind you, I'm no millionaire, but maybe as a rental. I mean, Tim Allen's "The Santa Clause" is one of my all-time favourite Christmas movies EVER, next to Alan Cumming's "Bernard and the Genie".

  • March 8, 2006, 6:52 p.m. CST

    AnimeJune....

    by Vim Fuego

    My memory is a bit hazy, but wasn't "Bernard and the Genie" written by Richard Curtis & starred Lenny Henry & Rowan Atkinson?? I fecking loved that! "Ahh, Mr Beardie". Genius.

  • March 8, 2006, 6:53 p.m. CST

    Doggy Doo

    by Asrogoth

    Actually, I am glad for your review. I had written the movie off, but now I just may take the chitlins. Merci.

  • March 8, 2006, 6:54 p.m. CST

    Bernard and the Genie owns

    by Massawyrm 1

    yeah, AJ. If you enjoyed the Santa Clause, this one should be right up your alley.

  • March 8, 2006, 6:54 p.m. CST

    how DARE you, sir!

    by acebandage

    How DARE you besmirch the good and decent name of Don Knotts by comparing him to the arrogant self-centered coke addict known as Tim Allen! Don Knotts had a modesty to him that made him seem like a warm, genuine and down to Earth individual. How can you compare THAT man to Tim Allen?!?! By the way, Galaxy Quest blew!

  • March 8, 2006, 6:57 p.m. CST

    You've got to ask yourself

    by IAmLegolas

    Why is a movie like this even being reviewed on a site like this?

  • March 8, 2006, 6:57 p.m. CST

    "My secretary is looking distinctly harassed--sexually.

    by AnimeJune

    You are correct, Vim Fuego! We have it at home on VHS, watch it every Christmas. Lenny Henry was fabulous - "Put out my eyeballs and fry them in ginger!" And Rowan Atkinson with the goatie who said "ye" all the time: "Sit ye, sit ye....Bugger ye off!" Ah Alan Cumming, great as Nightcrawler, horrible as a fragrance name. By the way, back on topic, I'm so glad Robert Downey is off the smack and back on film!

  • March 8, 2006, 6:58 p.m. CST

    by HypeEndsHere

    tell you what, in your next piece, you pre-mock anyone you want (it's little more than a case of 'get them before they get me' anyway) as harshly as you wish. just make sure in that piece you don't talk about everything BUT the film for the first 4 paragraphs. deal? proud of ya...

  • March 8, 2006, 7:01 p.m. CST

    Acebandage: "By brakthor's hammer, I will avenge you!"

    by AnimeJune

    "You broke the ship - you broke the bloody ship!"

  • March 8, 2006, 7:02 p.m. CST

    You've got to ask IAmLegolas

    by Massawyrm 1

    ...why didn't you read the second paragraph in which I explain EXACTLY why I reviewed this film on a site like this.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:09 p.m. CST

    AnimeJune

    by Vim Fuego

    I used to have it on tape too, but when I moved in with my Girlfriend (Now wife) she insisted that I threw most of my tapes away (Including Simpsons etc), because of the amount of room they took up. Sniff. Anyway, I got her back by burning her collection of Top 40 tapes.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:10 p.m. CST

    "Burning" as in downloaded or "burning" as in FIRE?

    by AnimeJune

  • March 8, 2006, 7:16 p.m. CST

    Nice Review...

    by El Scorcho

    I had written this off totally... But my dad is a major Tim Allen (& Home Improvement) fan, and my 10 year old cousin might enjoy this. Maybe I might go see this after all. Downey Jr. can be really funny.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:17 p.m. CST

    tim is wealthy

    by Jewish_Batman

    Mass-man, if you are just trying to get in Tim Tim's pantalones... it's cool man, we get it. This site my friend, this site is down with that. Despite the quality of this film.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:23 p.m. CST

    This review, had too many sentence. fragments and splic

    by Shaner Jedi

    I mean. this is like, the Harry school of. grammar and others.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:23 p.m. CST

    Actually, Jewish-Batman

    by Massawyrm 1

    I was more pulling for some of that Robert Downey Jr. Ex-Junkie love. Being clean for so long now, I'm sure his equipment is back in full working order and ready for an AICN level rusty trombone.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:24 p.m. CST

    The Tim Allen Movies I've Liked...

    by Jonas Grumpy

    ...were the ones that worked IN SPITE OF Tim Allen being in them, not BECAUSE OF. Those would be: "Toy Story (1 & 2)," "Galaxy Quest," and "Big Trouble." Everything else sucks to varying degrees. (I liked "Santa Clause 2" better than the first one, but that isn't saying much.) The most suckage would have to come from "Joe Somebody," which felt like a below-average "Simpsons" half-hour storyline, painfully expanded to feature length. And far less funny.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:25 p.m. CST

    Must. Reach. Bat. Talkbacker repellant.

    by Massawyrm 1

    Come on Shadner jedi - the age of Adam West style reviews is upon us. Join the revolution.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:30 p.m. CST

    Is Dean Jones In It?

    by Jonas Grumpy

    Wasn't the original "Shaggy Dog" about a teenager, with the '70s-era sequel about the same guy, but grown (played by Dean Jones this time)? I remember seeing "The Shaggy D.A." in the theater as a kid, but being totally lost because I hadn't seen the original. Just like I hadn't seen the first 5 "Leonard" films, so I couldn't get into "Part 6." Don't get me started on Apollos 1-12.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:32 p.m. CST

    Jonas Grumpy - or for that matter

    by Massawyrm 1

    Malcolms I-IX.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:43 p.m. CST

    Cool for kids

    by Jellylover

    I loved the old Disney films as a kid. They should remake all of the old Kurt Russell films.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:47 p.m. CST

    Yeah, why not a teen?

    by BeeDub

    Why couldn't this movie have been about a teenage kid (like the original) rather than the rather long-in-the-tooth Tim Allen? It's not like Disney has any shortage of flavor-of-the-week starlets to choose from. Tim Allen could have played the kid in the sequel... which could have been called "The Shaggy D.A."... which Massawyrm says this movie already is... aw, hell.

  • March 8, 2006, 7:53 p.m. CST

    Fuck kids.

    by JohnnyLazarus

    Kids are stupid. Anything that doesn't have butt jokes, farting or that God awful Who Let The Dogs Out shit in it isn't worth their time. My girlfriend has kids and let me tell ya...if there isn't flashing lights or grating pop music involved, then they won't have any of it. Fucking ADD generation.

  • March 8, 2006, 8:08 p.m. CST

    The Budget of Hyung Rae-Shim's D-WAR...

    by Harry Weinstein

    ...is rumored to be between 150 and 200 million dollars. Yes, American dollars. Dinosaurs strapped with laser cannons laying waste to ancient Korea and modern-day Los Angeles is the stuff cool family films are made of. That, in other words, is Cool News. This, on the other hand, is a review of a live-action Tim Allen Disney movie. I saw the preview - after only 30 seconds, it felt like someone vomited in my mouth, like Amy Yip did to Stephen Chow in THE MAGNIFICENT SCOUNDRELS. So, since the name of this website is a question, I guess the answer here would be a definite "No". It ain't.

  • March 8, 2006, 8:12 p.m. CST

    Damn enter key...

    by Harry Weinstein

    To conclude, kids deserve better than most of what Disney has been scraping off the bottom of its shoe lately. The Walden Media films (the criminally underrated AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS remake, NARNIA) are a notable exception.

  • March 8, 2006, 8:22 p.m. CST

    uh, there's no way i was gonna read all that

    by newc0253

    here's a suggestion: any AICN review longer than 500 words should come with its own summary for those of us who don't have an entire evening to read every post at length.

  • March 8, 2006, 8:23 p.m. CST

    I was never that stupid as a kid.

    by I Dunno

    My first movie was a re-release of Jaws when I was 3 and I never looked back. So don't tell me that you need stupid, infantile humor to entertain kids. Kids just need to man up.

  • March 8, 2006, 8:25 p.m. CST

    Massawyrm 1

    by Jonas Grumpy

    Were there ever plans for a "Capricorn Two"? Or a "Menace III Society"? Or "13 Angry Men"? Or "Stalag 18"? Or "Ei8ht"?

  • March 8, 2006, 8:26 p.m. CST

    Thanks Massawyrm...

    by Wungolioth

    When my daughter mentioned wanting to see this movie recently, I just quietly cringed, but now I actually look forward to watching it. I have to say, people who complain what their kids are into only have themselves to blame for being lazy. My 11 yr old daughter likes all the poppy crap on Disney Channel, but I've recently gotten her into some cool music like Led Zeppelin, for instance. She likes these Disney movies, but she's also into Lord of the Rings, Monty Python, and we watched Mirror Mask this weekend and she loved it. You really have to make an effort to broaden their horizons or you may as well stop bitching.

  • March 8, 2006, 8:46 p.m. CST

    I went and saw Aliens at the cinema when I was 12.

    by Shan

    Best cinema going experience ever but I sat really close to the door as the cinema was almost empty. You know, being 12 and all.

  • March 8, 2006, 8:47 p.m. CST

    Once you have kids, you'll understand

    by Terry_1978

    And at that young age where we all say that our kids will never like this drivel, they will. Trust me. I don't care how much you try to instill coolness into them. That said, I may give this a look, as the cast alone is actually pretty impressive.

  • March 8, 2006, 8:58 p.m. CST

    Thanks!

    by FrankCobretti

    I'll take my 5-yr-old to see this on Saturday. Thanks for the review!

  • March 8, 2006, 9:52 p.m. CST

    hahahahah....

    by vinceklortho

    that was pretty funny, Massy. Geeks started flinging all the stuff you already called in your review. I knew there couldn't be a "And this is cool news?" talkback rant, but by god, low and behold! There actually was one! The first two as well. hilarious stuff. I guess you got to take your lumps to start reviewing with the big boys. Way to take one for the team.

  • March 8, 2006, 9:57 p.m. CST

    by Jaka

    Baaahahahaaa!!! Fuckin' classic! I agree, nice review. I could tell you genuinely like the film. And I agree that Disney is TRYING to make a comeback. I don't think they're quite there yet - but they are definitely trying (get Jobs in there is only going to help I think). And to be honest, I didn't think the ads (tv - never saw the trailer) were that horrible. Not great - but not horrible either. Admitedly though, I had just watched GalaxyQuest on cable and remembered how much I loved that movie and wished that Tim Allen would do something else I liked (because I really liked the first 27 seasons of Home Improvement - didn't like it so much near the end). There NEEDS to be a GQ sequel. Allen, Weaver and Rickman were all great in that movie.

  • March 8, 2006, 10:02 p.m. CST

    Crap

    by Jaka

  • March 8, 2006, 10:38 p.m. CST

    can't wait for a sequel wit a female ,The Shaggy Bitch!

    by Orionsangels

  • March 8, 2006, 11:10 p.m. CST

    Orionsangels, you are one sick puppy!

    by Uncapie

    Funny as hell, though!

  • March 8, 2006, 11:12 p.m. CST

    6 words...Who The Fuck Would See This?

    by Doom II

    Crapola to the highest degree. Torture would be to watch this movie, Big Momma's House and any Julia Roberts movie back-to-back.

  • March 8, 2006, 11:23 p.m. CST

    Uncapie

    by Orionsangels

    My 6th grade teacher called me a sick puppy in front of the whole class. so it's not the first time.

  • March 8, 2006, 11:29 p.m. CST

    Well, this is just silly...

    by TELF

    First Failure to Launch, now this. It doesn't bother me so much as confuse me. Sure some geeks have kids. But those geeks probably don't come here looking for kiddie-flick reviews. I, like most of you I imagine, have a girlfriend. But I don't come here hoping for "Seriously, it's not as bad as you think" type reviews for all the vanilla shite she tries to inflict on me. There's plenty of other review sites I can use to estimate the potential threat of such pish. I don't think I, or the others,are being assholes by pointing out that some movies just don't jibe with what this site is supposed to be about.

  • March 8, 2006, 11:47 p.m. CST

    slumps almost over...

    by Orionsangels

    no more movies with black men in drag, no romantic comedies. V for Vendetta will soon ring in the summer movie season. We can get back to the real movies!

  • March 9, 2006, 12:09 a.m. CST

    Waitaminute...Animaniacs was funny?

    by Osmosis Jones

  • March 9, 2006, 12:18 a.m. CST

    Brian Robbins directed this, right?

    by johnmikeoos

    Yeah, he's FAR from a great director, but he gets love from me for directing Varsity Blues (that's right, fuck y'all, Varsity Blues kicked ass). I mean, Good Burger and Ready to Rumble were irredeemable, but these days, at his worst, he directs well-intentioned "good tries" (The Perfect Score, Hardball), and at his best...you get something like Varsity Blues, which...you're too busy rooting for fuckin' Billy Bob to make that last touchdown to care that it's the same movie as All The Right Moves. So I'll definitely catch this on cable, even if he hasn't quite recaptured that alchemy of VB yet. Because every now and then, you still see flashes of it: the post-heist sequence in Perfect Score, the opening scene in Hardball...you give this guy a good script - a REALLY good script - then he'll turn it into a cult classic.

  • March 9, 2006, 12:19 a.m. CST

    You would compare FTL to this?

    by Jaka

    No way! Not even CLOSE to the same type of movie. And I don't care if y'all have kids or not. Not every movie has to be "geek chic" to be good. "Family" is a genre of films the same as slasher, fantasy, noir, etc, etc. Man, for a bunch of people that are supposed to be FILM experts y'all sure are short-sighted.

  • March 9, 2006, 12:22 a.m. CST

    id rather watch 5 hairy men have sex with a candybar

    by shalashaska

    than watch this movie

  • March 9, 2006, 1:01 a.m. CST

    Plant

    by Renholder

    Massawyrm always seems to pick films that he knows for sure that nobody will bother seeing and then pumps them up. He plants with the best of them. I wonder if the money is good...?

  • March 9, 2006, 2:17 a.m. CST

    TELF...and Renholder

    by Massawyrm 1

    I see the problem - you've misunderstood the site. AICN is a place for people who LOVE Movies, not just love the movies they love. You do realize Harry has a monthly screening on Staurday mornings where he shows kids films to kids, right? But yes, you are being assholes. And Renholder - somehow you've missed all of the films that I "picked" that no one else bothered to see that were total shit. Run a search. Far more of those than there are "green" smelling ones. I'm beginning to think that Renholder is a plant. He only shows up in talkbacks of mine which I talk up films playing opposite films put out by his company. See what I did just there? It's that easy. Plant.

  • March 9, 2006, 2:24 a.m. CST

    Oh for Pete's Fuck...

    by thelivingdoll

    Massawyrm, it doesn't matter if you pre-mock or post-mock us, this kind of news just really doesn't belong here. IMDB would be perfect, but there's much cool to talk about right now that this is just taking up VALUABLE space in a high rent district.

  • March 9, 2006, 3:45 a.m. CST

    Class all the way Massa....

    by TELF

    I think I understand the site perfectly well. I love the site and am grateful it exists. As I said, reviews like this one don't bother me, I just don't think they are consistent with the general vibe of the site. You know - Cool News. You clearly agree. Othewise you wouldn't feel the need to include your "Why review this movie" disclaimer in the piece. Whether or not Harry screens movies for kids has no real bearing on this debate, however I bet he screens cool kid's movies: Sky High, The Goonies, The Explorers, Labyrinth and such. There is a difference, however vague, between those flicks and the pandering, predictable and cynical fair Shaggy Dog would appear to represent. I guess I should have been more specific. It doesn't phase anyone when children's movies like Zathura and the HP flicks are reviewed here, nor should it. They fit. Shaggy Dog doesn't seem to, nor did Failure To Launch. That's all. But gee tough guy, call me an asshole again if you feel I'm being unfair.

  • March 9, 2006, 5:10 a.m. CST

    "...What this site is supposed to be about."

    by Triumph poops!

    Nice job, Massawyrm. I thought it was a nice review making some pretty solid points (and yes, Disney marketing ABSOLUTELY sucks ass), so thanks for taking the time to post it. Personally, I'm glad to see a variety of films reviewed here -- hell, I thought that was the whole POINT to a web site like this -- and I certainly have no problem seeing a film like SHAGGY DOG covered since it does still qualify as a "fantasy" film given its overall plot. And you're right about another notion: there ARE geek parents wanting to know if particular films are worth paying first run dollars for. And finally, to people like Telf above who brought up this whole notion that a film like SHAGGY doesn't even deserve a review because it's "not what this site is supposed to be about", I don't understand that at all. It's a movie site. Its purpose is to cover movies across the whole spectrum. So what's the big deal? If you're NOT interested in reading a review of something like SHAGGY DOG, here's a simple tip -- don't click on the link and move on. I'm sure there's plenty of other online news or gossip to read that's worth your time. I mean, come on, let's be honest: when you go to ANY other web site, what are the odds that you actually click on EVERY single link and read EVERY single story? Odds are pretty nil. You pick and choose. So people should just chill about "what" is covered here the same way. Pick and choose and move on. Anyway, nice review job again, Massawyrm. I loved the original as a kid and your review actually talked me into giving the remake a chance now...

  • March 9, 2006, 7:57 a.m. CST

    Why would Aintitcool waste time on this crap?

    by Trazadone

    Seriously, are there enough people who visit this site that actually give a shit about this? If so, there's a new Barbie doll out this week too.

  • March 9, 2006, 9:24 a.m. CST

    Your mother may have read this?!

    by AARONIUS

    Let's hope not. Unless she endorses blasphemous cartoons and foul language devoid of any coherent thought. A word of advice, try to lay off the profanity when reviewing a family film.It might actually help your credibility.

  • March 9, 2006, 9:29 a.m. CST

    I saw Robert Downey Jr in a clip last night

    by I Dunno

    He looked stones out of his mind. I doubt there was a two second clip of him in the whole film they could use in the marketing. And the clip consisted of him and Allen growling at each other. Comedy gold. I can't imagine being young enough or stupid enough to laugh at that.

  • March 9, 2006, 12:09 p.m. CST

    Talkbackers take the fucking cake..,..

    by Bootskin

    I love when you guys come on here and tell the reviewers who work for this site what the site is supposed to be about. You may come here for reviews of certain flciks, but that doesn't mean that's what the site is about. Cool news is a relative term. If you don't like the "Shaggy dog" don't read the review. Even better, don't waste your own time to comment about it in talkbak. You just make yourself look like a fucking imbecile. Hmm...maybe I'm on to something with that last line......

  • March 9, 2006, 12:10 p.m. CST

    Talkbackers take the fucking cake..,..

    by Bootskin

    I love when you guys come on here and tell the reviewers who work for this site what the site is supposed to be about. You may come here for reviews of certain flciks, but that doesn't mean that's what the site is about. Cool news is a relative term. If you don't like the "Shaggy dog" don't read the review. Even better, don't waste your own time to comment about it in talkbak. You just make yourself look like a fucking imbecile. Hmm...maybe I'm on to something with that last line......

  • March 9, 2006, 12:12 p.m. CST

    sry for the double post...

    by Bootskin

    new delay has me all a flutter, I now leave you all to your righteous disgust of Massa's actually good review. Sorry some of you didn't have the attention span for the whole thing.

  • March 9, 2006, 12:51 p.m. CST

    once again, hilarious...

    by vinceklortho

    man, the talkbackers that come on and say how much they are NOT GOING TO SEE THIS MOVIE AND I'M GOING TO POST IT SO THAT EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I AM COOLER THAN A DISNEY MOVIE AND ONLY LIKE ACTION MOVIES THAT HAVE MATRIX STYLE SPECIAL EFFECTS is just becoming a hilarious running gag on this site. I still can't believe people actually keep saying it. Alright, we know you don't approve of it. You're cooler than the lot of us.

  • March 9, 2006, 1:05 p.m. CST

    stop fuckin' posting

    by the beef

    If you already have an unflinching view of whether or not you're going to see the movie, then why the fuck do you waste your time reading the review. Yes, to most who visit this site this probably isn't "cool news". But to those of us who LOVE the film medium this is very very very cool news if it holds to be true. Good family flicks are 10 times harder to come by these days than they have been in the past, so to hear about Disney getting something right and may possibly put them back on track to reign supreme atop the pantheon of great family fun once again is COOL AS SHIT!!! Now I don't know if Tim Allen can yet be described as a Don Knotts, however when it comes to family films nobody has put together a better resume than he for the past decade and I sincerely commend him for that. Yes he does put out shit too, but these aren't shit movies because he is in them, in fact if you put Don Knotts in any of the shit movies Tim Allen has done they would remain shit movies. A good actor can't save a bad movie. Put Tim Allen in a good movie and it will remain a good movie, put him in shit and it will remain shit but profitable shit because people love Tim Allen. Oh, good review by the way.

  • March 9, 2006, 1:47 p.m. CST

    Hey Mass, as a wise man once said...

    by Jaka

    ...fuck em! They don't matter anyway. lol

  • March 9, 2006, 4:24 p.m. CST

    this movie looks like it's > The Cat From Outer Space

    by durhay

    but < Swiss Family Robinson. And I loved both films as a kid.

  • March 9, 2006, 6:17 p.m. CST

    The trailer made me want to rent the dvd...

    by StudioPlant69

    Once it&#39;s in the cheapo rental section. This review looks a lot like a plant and now the animated gif on the site is a Shaggy Dog reference...you make the call! GFY

  • March 9, 2006, 6:48 p.m. CST

    Heh --

    by Massawyrm 1

    Nothing makes me smile broader than a talkbacker who thinks he&#39;s smart enough to sniff out a plant, but isn&#39;t actually smart enough to use the search function to find out if the review is from a longtime contributor or not. As an added bonus, this particular talkbacker hasn&#39;t been around long enough to know that if there&#39;s a Harryhead that matches a film opening that week, good or bad, he puts it in the corner. Self important, uninformed talkbacker...You make the call!

  • March 9, 2006, 7:48 p.m. CST

    harry&#39;s dog animation

    by 81666

    would&#39;ve been better if that last transformation was a chinese food take out container . . . ho ho so nice used it twice!!

  • March 9, 2006, 7:59 p.m. CST

    Blasphemous cartoon?

    by Meremoth

    I&#39;m lost. Is that a jibe at the Animaniacs? Well if so I wish more foul language into family film reviews. Ha take that

  • March 9, 2006, 10:43 p.m. CST

    Fair enough...

    by TELF

    Yeah, having slept on it clearly it makes no sense to be getting my knickers in a twist. Any reviews are ultimately better than no reviews. I guess it was just a bit of frustration at the rather dry spell the movies have been going thru recently. But now Massa has reviewed "Smoking" I take it all back. Totally excited about that one.

  • March 9, 2006, 10:52 p.m. CST

    Finally!

    by Renholder

    I have been talking shit for months and only now have I finally gotten called out. Too bad it was for a live action Disney flick featuring Tim Allen, I would have prefered something a bit more high profile. In any case Massawyrm I was just giving you a hard time. There, I just planted friendship, see how that works?

  • March 9, 2006, 11:36 p.m. CST

    This is the worst movie ever

    by LaremyLegel

    I had to review it as well and it was the worst thing I&#39;ve seen in at least 5 years. I include the death of loved ones in that statement. Tim Allen catches a frisbee in him mouth like a dog, he runs on all fours like a dog. So, so bad.

  • March 10, 2006, 2:57 a.m. CST

    LaremyLegel

    by Massawyrm 1

    Yeah - that&#39;s the stupid human shtick that I hated. Those things totally didn&#39;t work for me either. But you&#39;re telling me you didn&#39;t laugh at all, or get enjoyment out of the other scenes - especially the stuff between Downey Jr. and his lackeys?

  • March 10, 2006, 3:02 a.m. CST

    Earliest "R" rated film memory...

    by Novaman5000

    Terminator 2 at age 6. I also loved Jurassic Park at age 8, but that was PG-13. Saw both in the theater. My dad had no qualms about taking me to those types of movies, which was awesome.

  • March 10, 2006, 3:08 a.m. CST

    Well...

    by LaremyLegel

    Nah, I hated Roberto Downey Jr in it.. way too simple a character maybe? It&#39;s like an evil, but a PG rated evil which bugged me. I usually try to see a kid&#39;s view because that&#39;s the main draw but on this one I didn&#39;t want kids involved. No slam on you, everyone sees different stuff in movies and no one is lying eh?

  • March 10, 2006, 12:19 p.m. CST

    Massawyrm 1, did I upset you?

    by StudioPlant69

    I said the review looks like a plant, looks, let me repeat that, looks like a plant. Not is a plant and there are several movies opening that Harry never has an animation for. Who cares if a review is from a long time contributor or not, that doesn&#39;t mean anything. Harry posts glowing reviews of bad films all the time. I&#39;m not going to mention them because most people know what they are. I can respect someone who provides a review based on their opinion. But you should respect my right to question the review and make my own opinion. I personally like Tim Allen, he has given some great performances. He has also made a boatload of crap. But as I stated the TRAILER made me not want to see it. But based on the NON-PLANT PLANT-LIKE review I will give the movie a chance and see it in the theater. So there you have it Massawyrm 1 1 StudioPlant 0 GFY

  • March 10, 2006, 1:33 p.m. CST

    Nope, Studioplant69

    by Massawyrm 1

    Just having fun rattling talkbacker cages with this one. But seriously, take my last paragraph to heart. This film isn&#39;t for everyone. If you have kids, take them. If not, you might end up like LaremyLegal.

  • March 10, 2006, 2:47 p.m. CST

    Yikes..

    by LaremyLegel

    And no one wins in that scenario! It&#39;s a fate worse than death, huddled in your cold shower holding yourself, looking for answers that never come.

  • March 11, 2006, 7:29 a.m. CST

    "Dispose of this for me - Ha! Accomplice!"

    by AnimeJune

    I just saw the Shaggy Dog yesterday, and it was much better than I expected, Massawyrm. Granted, I expected nothing, so anything&#39;s better than nothing, but there was something, so that&#39;s something. Er.... Anyhoo - Robert Downey Jr. was inspired. And, for ONCE there was a children&#39;s movie WITH NO FART OR POO JOKES. That alone is a step in the right direction if you ask me. The closest they came to dirty was the bum sniffing, and the dog peeing on the lawn.

  • March 11, 2006, 7:31 a.m. CST

    "My cellmate just sold me for three biscuits!"

    by AnimeJune

    Okay, and that joke was a little risque. But otherwise... I wanted to thank you Massawyrm. Without your review, I would have gone to this film with nothing but bad expectations. Now, I went to it empty of expectations (bad and good cancelled each other other), and had a good time.

  • March 11, 2006, 8:16 a.m. CST

    Some of my favorite movies

    by BDT

    I never would have seen if it weren&#39;t for the kids in my life. ET, The Iron Giant, Toy Story... to name a few. I have even seen a few kids movies that were not great movies, but very entertaining and fun. Kid humor is not all about farts n potty talk. I hate it that some adult screenwriters think that is the only way to make a kid laugh in a movie. Not creative. There are only two kid films I regretted taking kids to and they were : Elmo in Grouchland, and Mr. Magoo. BOTH gave me headaches it took 2 days to get over. I might just shell out for some matinee-priced tickets to see this.