Cool News
AICN-Downunder: Latauro on Baz Luhrmann's next flick and... Hungarian Lesbian Dalek Porn???
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. This entry from Latauro's regular Downunder column speaks for itself, so that's what I'll let it do. Enjoy!
I'm a level five vegan. I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.
AICN-DOWNUNDER
I think it's a safe assumption that guys who write internet articles about film are geeks. Even beyond the actual articles we put up, it's pretty obvious that we all have deep, dark secrets relating to hidden geekiness. For instance, when I was in high school, I edited ten bi-monthly editions of a fanzine called "Eternity" that was devoted to "Doctor Who" and other televisual science fiction and fantasy. My friends and I were fifteen, and whilst it was fairly amateurish (particularly in the beginning), we were pretty well received. In fact, I've recently had my "Doctor Who" obsession re-ignited, first by the ABC then by the new Russel T Davies series. Yes, I am a big fan. And "The Christmas Invasion" (the first proper episode with David Tennant as the Tenth Doctor) is probably the finest episode of "Who" ever produced.
So you know where I'm coming from when I tell you that a few months ago, I did the geekiest thing I've ever done in my life.
A friend had sent me a link to a trailer. It was, he told me, a trailer for a porn film, but one I absolutely had to watch. Now, I'm not a huge fan of porn. I don't have anything against it, I just find it really boring and curiously un-sexy. I'm in that small percentile of guys who don't own porn of any kind, and while I wonder if sometimes it makes me look like a bit of a prude, I don't spend that much time thinking about it. So I click on this link and a video starts up. It's four blondes in a car speaking really bad lines in really bad English. For some reason their car breaks down and they have to walk through the forest in skimpy outfits.
So, just as I'm beginning to wonder why I've been direct to the link, one of the girls disappears. She reappears, naked, on a ship, and just as we hear "Extermine! Exterminate!", we pull back to reveal Daleks advancing on her. Then the title: ABDUCTED BY THE DALEKS!
It was Hungarian Lesbian Dalek Porn, and I had to own it.
Immediately, my housemate and I jumped on the net and begun searching for copies. The BBC had jumped all over this, forbidding sites to sell copies. The makers had vainly changed the title to ABDUCTED BY THE DALOIDS, but even this wasn't good enough. The BBC was forbidding anyone from selling any copies, regardless of what the title was.
A lot of searching led us to a site selling the DALOIDS version. While it was essentially the same movie, we both agreed that the whole point of tracking it down was to get *Dalek* porn. I eventually gave up, but the next day he came across a copy of the original DALEK version. Only a thousand ever made. After a brief debate over which one of us wanted it more, we decided to get two copies. This was too great a talking point, too irrestible a collector's item to not shell out the AUS$45 required. Each.
Why is this the geekiest thing I've ever done? Because it's the first porn I've ever bought, and I didn't get it for the girls; I got it for the Daleks.
We finally watched the film the other night, once we'd gathered a small portion of the hundreds of people who'd told us they'd wanted to watch it. The film itself was unsurprisingly awful, but it's the sort of thing you can really get a kick out of if you're watching with a group of beer-fuelled friends. If you do manage to track it down, make sure you're getting it for the Daleks: there's no actual sex anywhere in the film.
Can you compete with this? Is this so pathetically ungeeky that you can top it with six geekier things you did before breakfast? Tell us below!
NEWS
Baz Luhrmann's epic, which is being curiously referred to as PROJECT OKLAHOMA (though I maintain had the working title TEN THOUSAND HORSES nary a few months ago), will start rolling around July/August. Described as an Australian GONE WITH THE WIND, Our Nic and Their Russ will re-team after their disastrous pre-production stint on EUCALYPTUS. The WWII-set epic will be shot in Western Australia, and will be co-written with Stuart Beattie.
After playing a straight man who has a gay relationship, Heath Ledger will do a one-eighty and play a gay man who has a straight relationship. There's a minor amount of talk that Ledger will play Rock Hudson in a film that shows his relationship with his secretary, Phyllis Gates. Gates, who apparently died about a month ago, claimed that she had no idea Hudson was gay. She later claimed their marriage was a publicity stunt. Of course, Ledger playing a gay man he looks nothing like is a very easy rumour to start, so you can probably chalk this one up as something we'll never hear again.
Ana Kokkinos's THE BOOK OF REVELATION has been sold to twenty-two "territories" (I think that means countries), despite the fact that it hasn't been played to an audience yet. This is good news for Kokkinos, whose last film HEAD ON had its fair share of critical praise.
Finally, the trailer for AQUAMARINE was pointed out to us from TheWrongGuy, who had this to say: "Why is this important? Well, it isn't. But it was shot in Australia and, oddly enough, it seems to have a lot of Aussies attached to it. For starters it has Claudia Karvan in it, complete with godawful American accent. And the equally-godawful Tammin 'Home and (why-don't-you-go) Away' Sursok (I didn't spot her in the trailer, but I'm assuming she's godawful). And also Roy Billings, that bald guy who I don't have anything against but who seems to be in every other Aussie TV show and movie that I come across. Most importantly, though, it has Shaun Micallef in it, who created the greatest comedy series of all time (No exaggeration; I'm quite serious) with his ABC show, The Micallef Program. I think that's the only reason anything to do with this movie is interesting. Mind you, he's not in the trailer, but judging by the quality of what IS in the trailer (they always show the 'best' bits, don't they?)I'm going to assume he's probably actually going to be pretty funny, and that they edited him out of the trailer on the grounds he actually promised something slightly entertaining. And they wouldn't want the viewer to get the wrong impression, would they? But seriously, what a waste of talent. And what a crappy movie this will be." The AQUAMARINE trailer can be found on the Apple website.
AWARDS AND FESTIVALS
TROPFEST 2006
The sixteen finalists were announced, and needless to say, you weren't one of them. To watch and bitch about the undeserving bastards who did get in, go to one of the big outdoor screenings held in whichever capital city you're nearest on February 26.
ACADEMY AWARDS
Anthony Lucas (director, THE MYSTERIOUS EXPLORATIONS OF JASPER MORELLO), Nikki Gooley (makeup, NARNIA), Dion Beebe (cinematographer, MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA) and Heath Ledger (actor, "Home and Away") were all nominated for Oscardemy Awards.
BOX OFFICE
See what Oscar season makes people do? It makes them go see BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE 2. I kid; whilst I know it's the glamour of the Oscars that attracts people to these films, it's still nice to see such a pretigious lineup. And GEISHA.
1. WALK THE LINE
2. MUNICH
3. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
4. BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE 2
5. MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
RELEASED IN THE PERIOD BETWEEN AICN-DOWNUNDERS
Tom Welling proves that the actors-who-potray-Superman curse is true, snow + dreams = snowdreams, a poorly-researched documentary team sets out to interview a subject who's been dead for over two hundred and fourteen years, Jake affixes a jarhead to his brokeback, Chris Klein applies for welfare, Charlize sticks it to the man, and someone finally has the balls to name a musician's biopic after one of their songs.
THE FOG
FIRST DESCENT
IN SEARCH OF MOZART
JARHEAD
JUST FRIENDS
NORTH COUNTRY
WALK THE LINE
REVIEWS
TRANSAMERICA
If, like me, you're a big fan of Felicity Huffman, and will see a film based purely on the accolades her performance receives, you'll probably still spend the first twenty minutes of the film waiting for her to turn up. This is despite the fact that the camera rarely leaves her face.
Every positive adjective you can think of to praise a peformance can be applied to Huffman. She gives one of the most honest, believable, and *brave* performances I've ever seen, and if she isn't given a gold statue in a few weeks time, she'll definitely be given a make-up one in a couple of years for a minor role in some well-received action thriller.
I have no problem saying this is Huffman's film, as she lifted a fairly ordinary film into greatness by virtue of her performance alone. Kevin Zegers and Graham Greene are both excellent, but everything else leaves a lot to be desired.
For starters, the script isn't quite sure what it wants to be. It begins as an interesting character study, but quickly falls into the cliche of the "get to know each other on a cross-country road trip". The road trip device isn't a problem in itself, but the contrivances that get them there are really, well, contrived.
Though the sin of shoehorning in an old device can be forgiven, I became less willing to forgive once the film reached its third act. Or, as I choose to call it, "Everybody Loves Bree". This is where the film completely loses itself and admits it has no idea what it wants to be. The scenes and characters are right out of a B-grade sitcom, which is unfortunate, as it really undermines what came beforehand. Similar is the random and shoe-horned speech that Zegers's character gives about why LORD OF THE RINGS is gay. Surely this belongs in a film by someone trying badly to imitate Tarantino or Kevin Smith.
But far worse than this are the stolen lines. Did writer/director Duncan Tucker realise he was ripping other material off shamelessly? Or had a friend of his quoted lines to him, claiming them as their own, and was then too embarrassed to admit the truth when Tucker asked permission to use them? Either way, the line "I'm a level four vegan. I don't eat anything that casts a shadow" is only one word off a line from "The Simpsons" episode "Lisa The Tree Hugger". It may seem like a petty thing to pick up on, but stealing something so obviously should be a cardinal sin in cinema (oo! A cardinal cinema... that could be a Next Week joke), and, I feel, must be pointed out. There are other moments as well (Graham Greene discussing what each hat tilt means is painfully familiar, but my memory isn't good enough to tell me exactly what it may or may not be from), and far too many moments reek of lazy writing.
I certainly give him credit for tackling such a difficult subject, and for centering it around a character such as Bree, but if I recommend the film, I recommend it for Felicity Huffman. Huffman's the reason I struggled through the first three episodes of "Desperate Housewives", but here she's so central, so believable, so watchable, I feel like I can easily recommend the film based on her and her alone.
NEXT WEEK
- Tim Robbins to play a clergyman who accidentally gets cast in a soft-core porn film in CARDINAL CINEMA
- Ice Cube to star in an adaptation of "The Diary of Anne Frank", ARE WE AT WAR YET?
- Lasse Hallstrom signs on to the multi-language Italian/Spanish/English bullfighting/rockclimbing-themed biopic LA TAURO ROCKS!
Peace out,
Latauro
email: Email the head of the Aussie Posse here!!
-
+ Expand All
-
Give it up man.
-
....the premiere appearance of AICN-Siberia with exclusively reviews of Attack of the Clones and Spiderman plus exclusive news copied from the Siberian tabloids!
-
I don't generally consider myself a geek, but I guess that my mere presence here negates any counter argument. I work in journalism and film and I meet actors and directors all the time but for some curious reason I really geeked out when I met Vincent Ward who was living around the corner (I now live around the corner from Ronny Yu but that's another story). Vincent was looking for casting suggestions for a new film at the time and all I could do was prod him about his work for Brandywine on Alien3. I couldn't even control the words coming out of my head it was insane. Luckily he was cool and we had a two hour chat about his work and the final product so I guess he wasn't scared too badly. Is that geeky enough for ya?
-
I took my 2nd semester book money Sophomore Year in college and bought a plane ticket to LA to see Michael Jackson open the American Music Awards. I got in through the Michael Jackson Fan Club because, that's right, I was a member (which makes me a MEMBER, I know, shut up.) Of course this may pale in comparison to the docu-comedy I'm releasing this year. Watch the trailer at valiens.com and see what NERD is really all about.
-
You run down some stairs.
Now a Dalek and R2-D2 getting it on would be erotic. -
Moulin Rouge was the most overrated piece of garbage I ever stopped watching after fifteen minutes. Why have good choreography when you can just edit everything so quickly that no one will know anyway? Why write good dialogue or music when we can just have Ewan MacGregor repeat the same line from an Elton John song twenty times? Baz shouldn't have a career, he sucks.
-
........not even worth giving up the bandwidth for via a torrent. I was a big fan of Doctor Who as a kid and really enjoy the new series. Like many fans, I had to see this movie. It has daleks and naked foreign birds (speaking in passable english, although the daleks are easier to understand). But the thing I don't get is this; Obviously the makers spent a bit of money, building daleks can't be cheap... unless they borrowed them, so why didn't they bother with either a decent script or adding some actual sex. What you end up with is a really amaterish movie that stretches a three minute story into an hour.
The worst thing is, the torrent I downloaded came with a special alternative version.... this version was the same movie, but showed all the fluffed lines and mistakes.... hilarious(insert sarcasm symbol here) For those who don't heed this advice, try any one of the popular torrent sites. Mine was a nice KVCD version that fits on a cd rom and has a menu screen. -
but didn't realise I was supposed to be entertained by it. So I turned it off. And good to see no one looking at that Aquamarine trailer. It's dreadful- STAY AWAY from it.
-
If you're serious I'm guessing you're American and are already annoyed and dismissive that you haven't heard because the U.S. is obviously the centre of the pop-culture universe (which it actually is). So never mind. You'd probably stick your nose up at it anyway.____________Lat, I'm still waiting for your exciting story from last time about that dog you saw down the street. ;)
-
Anyone who turns a film off 15 minutes in and condemns a whole film sucks. For the end of second and third acts of Moulin Rouge are VERY different to it's first act. It also got ripped at the oscars. fuck em.
-
The amount of Celebs I've met will put you all to shame. Except Harry. That fucker even gets calls from God!
-
Yes the editing and colours made you dizzy but what eludes Jimmy is that THAT was the POINT. It was the poet's introduction to the worls and his sensory overload. If Jimmy had stuck around he might have even discovered that for himself. Oh well. And while I wasn't in love with Strictly Ballroom, his Romeo and Juliet was great. Really great. One more thing, I thought it was pathetic and patronising of the academy to choose the goofiest clip in the movie (MR) to let her know YOU ARE NOT WINNING THE OSCAR THIS YEAR. Schmucks. She even covered her face and shook her head. Not the biggest 'our Nic' fan but geez.
-
Of course I meant world. Sorry. Warp 11, I'd pay to see that.
-
The dog was the one who showed me the Dalek porn link... did I leave that bit out?
-
Just doesn't have THAT impact on DVD, IMHO. Nice one again, Lat!
-
I'm from hungary, and this makes me so proud.
We're wee bit shity country, and we have one of the biggest porn industries in the world. We have former porn stars on TV, movies everywhere. We even had a porn star who became a member of the italian parlament.
Okay, I admit, on the long term, it's damn annoying. But if you walk on the street on Budapest, and you see an insanely hot girl, you can more or less bet your ass, she's done porn at one point or another.
-
People like to suggest Moulin Rouge is one of those films that 'polarise' opinion. However, i dont think any intelligent human being can switch off sufficiently to excuse that over-hyped wet drivel...
Moulin Rouge was a train wreck that only buckets of Murdoch money could market back out of the budget hole spent 'fixing' what was already a retarded musical with spastic editing, clunky dialogue, embarassing music, overdressed sets by his wife and as romantic as a cheap trinket. It should have been laughed out of the cinemas...
who gives a toss WHAT Lurhmann does!!!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz -
how does that relate to anything in the article? and why does every veggie always use that same line? "I DON'T EAT ANYTHING THAT CASTS A SHADOW...brrrr..
-
What, you don't think a plant is a living creature? Peoples preferances in their food is often similar to their preferances in religion. Cutting and pasting what they like and think is wrong. Some people don't eat red meat because thats bad meat, while fish and chicken is perfectly ok.... those creatures are all in abundance. Besides, have you ever known anyone who doesn't eat meat, dairy or anything. They're usually small, bald and very humourless. and oppinionated. Hope I haven't offended anyone. I just think we can eat anything we like. And I usually do. Except for cucumber. that shit is vile. and bananas don't like me at all.
-
Moulin Rouge was the perfect example of style over substance, which is the hallmark of a Baz Lurhmann film. My wife, who loves musicals, was the one who -suggested- we stop watching that wretched movie.
-
Dalek porn? So terrifying... yet so very awesome.
-
And so Lat steals another 5 minutes of your life. At this rate he will own you by 2009. Oh, wait, Lat already owns you...
-
This film has been around forever... the bbc tried to stop it, couldn't and that's what you've got... big deal.
-
Porn is not supposed to be hot and sexy like a true sexy erotic love story ...and quint's gay. Porn's not meant to be anything other than PORN. The story's are pointless on purpose, because people want to get to the point. The point being... well. nevermind.
-
...reading about movies and movie-geeks around the globe. Makes me realize how much more geeked out we are in the US (and maybe the UK - but the US wins the geek war by far....wait...maybe that's not a good thing....shrug). So anyway, don't let the sandy vaginas get you down. However...you're a liar! roflol. All men think about porn "LIKE" subjects - it's called FANTASY!! And it has nothing to do with being gay or straight. If you're gay - you have gay fantasies, I suppose. lol. I did get a few laughs out of your right up of the Dalek flick though. Dude, can you say, REPRESSED? Come on, say it with us now, RE-PRESSED. Heh.
-
I've never heard this one before. It makes no sense especially if you use a broad definition of porn. If you are a hetero man, then how can seeing attractive, naked women be "unsexy"? I must discount the entire article based on this one statement that causes me to doubt the sanity of the writer.
-
So, if you see an attractive, naked female corpse, you'd find that sexy? It's all about context, buddy. That's why the ugly girl takes her glasses off at the end of the film and becomes pretty. The brilliance of porn is that it takes women who could otherwise be quite attractive, and shoots them in the most ugly, exhibitionistic way possible. Do you know how there are, like, five or six "positions" in porn? First they put in three minutes of a blow job, or five minutes of anal, or whatever? And it's the same every time? I often think that guys who are really turned on by porn think that sex is a checklist of half-a-dozen or so moves. How do you not find that boring? Sex is far sexier.
-
check out the classic 1970s film "Let My Puppets Come". It's clearly the influence for PJ's "Meet The Feebles". Or if you want to understand just how unsexy sex can be go to the Cross and see a live sex show, yeesh.
-
Porn is a private thing to me. Watching it with your friends, especially if they were all drunk, is kinda creepy. You got a a half erect boner and you do that ninja move where you brush your hand across your junk, but you catch someone noticing, and it's very awkward situation. You pretend to laugh and say haha this shit is funny to watch, but you're really bidding your time where you can steal the tape and go home and watch it in private.
-
Oh, I get it, your wife likes musicals, she didn't like MR, so everyone turn it off. Please. Baz is fantastic. MR may not be for everyone, but Strictly Ballroom is a wonderful, wonderful film.
-
Your column should have started with the "news" and ended with the box office list. The rest was unfunny, unnecessary crap. No-one gives a f*** about your Dr. Who porn fetish. When are ya gonna learn pal?
-
I can't believe I have to ask this every week, but dude: you read it. If you didn't give a "f***" (foal? four? flap?) about it, you wouldn't read it. But you DO give a f*** about it, and, by extension, ME! You LOVE me! You can't get enough of me! Pal, when are you going to learn that everyone laughs at guys like you who come back week after week after week to tell us that nobody reads our crap? See you next week!
-
Its Valentines day. Show Latauro some love. That veil of hotility isn't fooling anyone. We all know what's really happening here.
Readers Talkback
User Login
Top Talkbacks
- Quint sees some DJANGO UNCHAINED footage at CANNES!!! -- 257 total posts 257 posts
- A Fire Definitely Rises In The New DARK KNIGHT RISES One Sheet!! -- 179 total posts 178 posts
- "I Don't Remember An Episode." The Teaser For THE MASTER Is Here!! -- 143 total posts 143 posts
- "Some Men Are Coming To Kill Us. We're Going To Kill Them First." Teaser To SKYFALL! -- 239 total posts 122 posts
- Charlize Theron thinks it is pretty badass to be in a Ridley Scott Space Movie! PROMETHEUS featurette -- 79 total posts 79 posts
- UPDATED!!! TWO Teasers For ANCHORMAN 2 Are Online And On Top And Filled With Cream!! -- 85 total posts 73 posts
- Peter Weir Will Enter THE KEEP! -- 67 total posts 67 posts
- Tonight Brings The Last HOUSE Ever!! The NBC Premiere Of AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR!! More Stern On AGT!! And More!! THE LAST MONDAY OF SWEEPS!! -- 95 total posts 60 posts
- The Infamous Billy The Kidd Chats With Director Joe Carnahan About THE GREY And His Vision For DEATH WISH!! -- 57 total posts 57 posts
- Tom Cruise Saddles Up For A Remake Of THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN!! -- 59 total posts 57 posts