Quint meets Uwe Boll and sees BLOODRAYNE! What a night...
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. Ah, what a night. Quint and Uwe Boll have touched. Does that mean a phone call has gone out to each of the four horsemen?
I did indeed speak to Dr. Boll. I asked him for an autograph on an Austin Film Festival comment card. He signed it, then asked me what my name was while he started writing, "For..." I said, "Quint." He looked up sharply, sized me up for half a second then said, "Quint. My first enemy!" then finished it "For Quint" with a double underline. Strangely enough, no fist fights broke out, but he did try to plead a case with me, saying that he wasn't Michael Bay and that he doesn't have a studio backing him up. (To me that sounds like he has more creative freedom) He spent 6 years getting his budget for his first movie, too.
I told him that he would make someone a helluva producer. Consider that he gets these huge budgets (huge for the indie world like ALONE IN THE DARK's $20 million or BLOODRAYNE's $17 million, and huge for anything with DUNGEON SEIGE's $65 million), consider that he's attaching some real talent to a lot of these movies. He never got a chance to respond to that because we were interrupted by a guy that wanted to give Boll his director's reel. I shook Boll's hand and left.
You know, I give the guy a lot of shit on this site and while I don't take back one word I have said (and won't take back the words that follow in the review of his newest movie), this never really has been about anything personal. Okay, maybe a little... I've joked around at his expense, but he has done likewise to me. I didn't take it personally. I think he's wasting properties and talent that in other filmmakers' hands would be successful. Unfortunately, when his projects bomb they shed a negative light on all genre film, not just video game movies. It's another failed R-rated horror movie to studios, which result in more crap like THE FOG remake.
Boll in person seems like a nice enough guy. I've heard both Freddie Prinze Jr. and Paul WS Anderson are super cool people to hang out with, too, but that doesn't help me enjoy their work.
So we're to it. What'd I think of BLOODRAYNE? In short, it's more of the same. I'd put BLOODRAYNE on the same level as ALONE IN THE DARK, however I can say that the production design of ALONE IN THE DARK is much better and the overall quality of acting is better (believe it or not).
I actually thought in the first 3 or 4 minutes that Boll was going to make me eat crow because the film starts with some solid CG work and a not terrible credits sequence, however it only had me worried I had pegged Boll wrong until someone opened their mouth and uttered a line of dialogue.
The acting in this film is bad, all across the board. There's not one actor that turns in a good performance, but there are one or two that coast on just being cool themselves.
Kirstanna Loken as Bloodrayne. The red hair is a good look for her. She should never open her mouth. Ever. She's gorgeous and, as we see in a really awkward sex scene, has perfect breasts, but the girl can not deliver a line of dialogue. She just can't. I've seen better lead acting in high school productions of LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS.
Michael Madsen. He can be bad. Really, really, really bad. I guess I was surprised that he only sucked in the movie and wasn't godawful. He plays the mentor character, the last leader of the sect that fights against the vampires.
Michelle Rodriguez. Oh boy. If you thought she was playing to a cliche in RESIDENT EVIL then watch BLOODRAYNE to see how bad she really can be. Rodriguez, while always only playing the tough chick role, can be really enjoyable to watch. She's abysmally bad in this movie as the treacherous right hand of Madsen's character.
Ben Kingsley. He's bored through the whole movie. If he wasn't, then that's a testament to his acting skills because he looked like he didn't give a rats ass about what he was doing. Still, he turns in the best performance in the movie. When coasting and indifferent Kingsley was still 10 times better than anyone else in the flick. Hope that mortgage payment was worth it.
Billy Zane. He's hardly in the movie, playing Michelle Rodriguez's father (hoo-what!?). He has about a page of dialogue and me remembering what he said and repeating it right now, a day later, would be only slightly worse than what he did on the screen. I like Billy Zane. He was in CRITTERS, man. But I wish he wasn't releasing the film with this new fangled distribution company he has. It's bad news for him and for his partners/investors if this is their flagship movie.
Udo Kier. He's not in the movie long. He plays a priest that is helping to guard one of the relics that the "the moooossttt pooowwweeeeerrrrrrfffulll vampire" (see Meatloaf below) is attempting to find. He's one of the cast that I mentioned above that coasts on his coolness. He's always Udo and he's playing Udo in a bad movie here.
Meatloaf. After the movie, myself, Harry and some friends ate at Trudy's (great tex mex) and Harry was telling me how much he loved Meatloaf in BLOODRAYNE. I was baffled. His is easily one of the worst small performances ever put to film, indie or no. I said, "But he was terrible." Harry said, "I know! That's what was great about it!" So, if you like watching Meatloaf suck a nut, you'll love his 3 minutes in this movie, I guess. The above-mentioned "poowwweeerrrrfffuullll...' moment is really in the movie. It is fun to see Meatloaf surrounded by a bunch of naked Romanian whores, but that didn't distract me from his nails on a chalkboard delivery.
But then again everybody in the movie has that over-dramatic... drawn... out... line delivery. I guess because there are castles and swords that means... you pause... every other... word... It's not just one actor. Everybody in the movie does it. You know what it really reminded me of? It was like those '70s dubbed chop-sockey movies where the original Cantonese took much longer for the actors to say than the English translations, so the voice actors had to draw out a sentence like, "His clan was attacked!" to fill about 10 seconds. That's what 98% of the line delivery in the movie was like.
The fight scenes were amateurish at best. The actors looked like children playing with tin foil swords in the backyard. The choreography was nonexistent, with the actors all looking afraid of getting hit, so they swung reeeaalllyyy slowly and anticipated every single blow. Sloppy and uninteresting.
There are a few beautiful shots of Romania, however they were all done in such blatant LORD OF THE RINGS rip-off helicopter shots that they got boring very quickly. None of the locations we were shown in the many, many helicopter shots had anything to do with where the characters needed to go. It was just people riding on horseback along a pretty mountainside... over and over again.
Not to be completely negative, I think Boll's standards for CGI have greatly increased from picture to picture. Some of the vampires in the town were really well done... they morph from human to vamps as Bloodrayne pass. He's also got a solid effects for the vamp death...
But before you think I'm giving the guy a free pass, I think his direction of the movie was sub-substandard. There's a main character's death at the end of the film that is handled like the death of Guard #4. You almost don't realize it happens. There was no weight given to the scene, not build up or tension. All of a sudden this character is being bitten by Vampires on his arms, then is stabbed through the heart by the main henchman. This all happens in maybe 10 seconds. And the love scene... the start of it has Bloodrayne going for the jugular of the dude who's supposed to be the main character, which I found odd because she said not 10 minutes before that she didn't thirst for human blood... This guy, Matt Davis, stops her, and pushes her face up to his so their nose to nose and says, "No..." in the most melodramatic way you can imagine, then roughly kisses her. An awkward lead-in to an awkward scene.
If Uwe really wants to be taken seriously at all he needs to learn one thing above all: Respect. He needs to learn how to respect film, respect the genre and respect the material he's adapting.
He said in the Q&A that the actors were all cast 2 weeks prior to shooting. This wasn't because he was forced to by circumstance or what have you, but this way he could get name actors easier. If, say, Ben Kingsley was considering a project that fell through and he had an offer to do a little vampire movie next week in Romania for a big salary, he was more likely to take it than if Boll had approached him 6 months before and he had a chance to look at his other options.
In this Q&A Boll also said it didn't matter who was in the movie as long as there was a name on the poster. "The characters don't matter." That's why your movies are reviled, dude. Your actor friend said that we "haters" are a "vocal minority." Look at the box office and tell me what majority loves Boll's films. And the reason for that is hidden in Boll's attitude about his films. "The characters don't matter." He thinks all movies are are boobs, blood and CG effects.
Boll has a strange power to get money (although that might be in jeopardy now that VIP Meidenfonds, who funded BLOODRAYNE and ALONE IN THE DARK has been shut down by the government for tax evasion). Respect is what he needs. If he really doesn't have any directorial talent, then he at the very least needs to respect the material and respect it enough to actually cast the roles instead of just lining up names that'd help sell the film to foreign territories.
We genre fans really aren't all that demanding. Hell, I enjoyed DOOM, a retarded movie that showcased the tone of the game in a fun way. But ultimately, I don't give a crap about these video games Boll is attached to now. I never played DUNGEON SEIGE, only played POSTAL a couple of times. It wasn't until Boll tried to get onboard of HALO that I really started sweating. I just wish he'd consider what made these games lasting and fun in the first place and not remove them so far from the original that they might as well be called something else.
Without any joking or me being shitty, I wish Boll would just stop and objectively look at his work. Don't put excuses on crappy actors (who hired them?) or shitty Romanian stunt people (ditto) or shitty writers and just look at your films as they stand. I don't want to hear about the millions ALONE IN THE DARK made on DVD (funny how that figure seems to jump around with a difference of about $15 million depending on who Boll is talking to). By everyone's account it's a failure. Why is that? If he's to grow as a filmmaker and even think about making a movie that isn't cable-movie quality, he's got to honestly look at himself. Find his weaknesses, admit to them and try to change them. That can start with respect.
If Boll hopes to someday make a good movie and get assholes like me off his back, he has to do that. Knowing how to sell the movie to South Africa and casting it well is not necessarily the same thing.
But I've rambled enough. BLOODRAYNE is typical Boll. For the love of God, if he really got Billy Zane to release it on 2000 plus screenings in January, don't go out and support it. Boll claims to be trapped into making video game movies because somebody up on the money ladder somewhere makes a profit somehow. Let's stop that from happening, so Boll can do those non-genre movies he seems to want to do. What do you say we help the guy out?
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Oct. 25, 2005, 4:31 a.m. CST
by Cash Bailey
Call it 'car-crash mentality' but every word he utters, every movie he makes, every time he shows his head up in public we as fanboys swarm to hear about it.
Oct. 25, 2005, 4:34 a.m. CST
Oct. 25, 2005, 4:45 a.m. CST
Instant classic. That actually made me laugh out loud. And is that Quint's writing? You have bad fucking penmanship, man.
Oct. 25, 2005, 4:59 a.m. CST
That's Uwe. Nice one Quint.
Oct. 25, 2005, 5:01 a.m. CST
Oct. 25, 2005, 5:07 a.m. CST
by Tubbs Tattsyrup
Did you put the "1" in BEFORE you handed it to The Abominable Dr. Boll? Anyway i won't see this, though I have considered renting House of the Dead to see how shitty it is. I'm really worried about POSTAL, because I maintain that a cool movie could be made out of it - sort of like Falling Down, but more offensive maybe. I dunno. HALO will be infinitely better without Boll, hopefully Jackson can get a good director hired. As for BLOODRAYNE...I can't believe it's as bad as you say. I mean, i can, I just can't believe people make movies that badly. Boll is great though - if only for amusement. No matter how universally hated his films are, he still keeps at it.
Oct. 25, 2005, 5:37 a.m. CST
BOLL STAYS (2035) Mostly true account of Germany's legendary kasier of kitsch Uwe Boll, voted "Second Worst Director in Movie History". Boll, noted for his quirky resume of filmic video game interpretations financed with stolen Nazi gold and alleged encounters with former President Brad Pitt's first wife, Jennifer Aniston. Haley Joel Osment plays Citizen Uwe brilliantly right down to the thick accent and daffy "Bollisms" that were his trademark, and just the right dose of trisomy 21. Excellent, hilarious performances and charming nostalgia for the "Golden Age of Video Games" during the War on Terror era. The movie's fast edits and old console video game scenes convincingly recaptures the look and feel of 2000 console gaming technology, including some of the least convincing graphical effects in movie history. There are also running gags involving Boll's ability to write almost any piece of video game cutscene into almost any script. The sountrack ranges from classic Rammstein and Metallica, but also Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, In the Nursery, and Marilyn Manson. There's a wonderful scene depicting a fictional encounter between Uwe and Steven Spielberg as an exasperated Uwe turns to Spielberg for encouragement during his filming of Schindler's List 2 and gets it - along with the movie's funniest line of dialogue. The film is absurdist comedy of the finest sort, celebrating that movie and video game geek in all of us. Venerable Quint of "Ain't-It-Cool-News" calls it "A glorious homage to the power of film in general and one of Osment's funniest, finest moments, "If you love movies and video games, you've got a little Uwe Boll inside you."
Oct. 25, 2005, 5:41 a.m. CST
Funny, funny stuff there, dude.
Oct. 25, 2005, 5:44 a.m. CST
Oct. 25, 2005, 5:55 a.m. CST
Quint - should I see one of them just so that I can say I've seen one? And know what a truly bad film is like? :-)
Oct. 25, 2005, 6:15 a.m. CST
by Gungan Slayer
yes, I must say that this was a nice read. As for Boll--damnn it, I'm tired of talking about him so its best i keep my mouth shut.
Oct. 25, 2005, 6:17 a.m. CST
by Ra Ra Rasputin
And I hear that Gloria Estefan Is interested in Marrying him, sounds like an instant recipe for success. Their first feature together will be called DAS SVEPTAWAY (and will have German and spanish subtitles). HEE HEE HAW
Oct. 25, 2005, 6:36 a.m. CST
Is that everyone in the industry seems 'ok' about letting someone like this make movies. What about the rest of us that will probably never get that chance, and could make a movie better than Bol with our eyes shut and one hand behind our back? How does he get work, and can I have his agent?
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:03 a.m. CST
Uwe Boll has made some of the worst movies ever made and continues to make more and they don't make any money! How is this possible when Troy Duffy makes the Boondock Saints (regardless of how much you think he ripped off Tarantino it's still an excellent movie in my opinion) and he can't make any more movies? That can't be because he's supposedly an ass hole... So if I walk into Warner Bros. and am a nice guy, I get to make movies? Something doesn't add up here. With Uwe Boll and his track record he's being rewarded over time with more money and more trust in his filmmaking...I smell some sort of a foreign plot going on...Hey that could be the story for the next 24! LOVE THAT SHOW! Kiefer Sutherland could punch me in the face and in his voice yell I fucked your mother and I'd be like YES!
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:14 a.m. CST
and we dont like that crap here either... dont be dissin my country like dat! hehe
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:15 a.m. CST
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:21 a.m. CST
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:27 a.m. CST
by Childe Roland
I am going to become a Uwe Boll scholar. I've never watched one of his movies and have absolutely no reason to believe any of them will be enjoyable on a traditional level of cinematic appreciation. But after hearing everyone talk with such passion about how delightfully bad his stuff is and reading admissions from both Quint and Harry that the guy is some kind of twisted entreprenurial genius, I just have to see everything he's done and read everything he's written. I must know the Boll if I am to destroy the Boll... and, ultimately, become him.
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:28 a.m. CST
That's gold, baby. And he still signed it.
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:47 a.m. CST
Michael Bay emerged from his post-natal slumber to punch Uwe Boll in his mis-shapen face. An eye-witness reported Bay to have said, "the shit I took this morning is more artistic than the best thing you've ever done, cockfag."
Oct. 25, 2005, 10:01 a.m. CST
by Atticus Finch
Boll and Roth and their films seem like they have the exact same problems.
Oct. 25, 2005, 10:05 a.m. CST
why does he have to make films of videogames,and not even good ones,Bloodrayne??? take a bad game and make a worse film out of it,that image of the card is a diamond Quint.
Oct. 25, 2005, 10:08 a.m. CST
Eli Roth is a clever, twisted, and talented filmmaker. Boll is a fascinating but horribly incompetent tour de force. "This is perfection." -Christian Slater
Oct. 25, 2005, 10:27 a.m. CST
the Columbine massacre? Wasn't that supposed to be halfway passable? What happened? And Quint's right - there's NO respect for anything in his movies. Just because you make a George Romero reference in House of the Dead doesn't mean you respect the genre you're working in. Jesus.
Oct. 25, 2005, 10:27 a.m. CST
No offense to Harry, but THIS was the Bloodrayne review I was waiting for.
Oct. 25, 2005, 10:32 a.m. CST
Whose nose to whose nose? Their? Her? His?
Oct. 25, 2005, 10:41 a.m. CST
...on your newly chosen path of bollolo-...bollililo-...(fuck) bollallag-... becoming a bollologist.
Oct. 25, 2005, 10:45 a.m. CST
I've read Flicker. Excellent and ultimately horrifying novel about film. Beware the Orphans of the Storm!
Oct. 25, 2005, 10:53 a.m. CST
Oh and Mr Boll's financiers being shut down due to tax evasion!! It's all starting to make sense!
Oct. 25, 2005, 10:59 a.m. CST
punch Boll in the nuts? He had the perfect opportunity to pay him back for all of the crap he has given us. Quint, I am dissapointed in you.
Oct. 25, 2005, 11 a.m. CST
by white owl
uwebollology. say it as one word not as a name and it sounds hilarious, yet strangely enough like it could be an actual science. Uwebollology - the study of Nazi filmmaking!
Oct. 25, 2005, 11:11 a.m. CST
...like I admitted in the other TB, I find myself becoming a grudging admirer of Herr Doktor Boll. His movies are bad on an almost surreal level, but there's just something likeable about the guy and the bliss in which he seems to trundle along in his motion picture career. I doubt his atrocities are even a blip on the radar of Hollywood and thus can't really be doing much damage to the industry or the genre. They're certainly not making any mark or setting any type of standards of which I'm aware. The guy somehow manages to wrangle respectable amounts of cash and fairly big names for his films, which, dreadful though they may be, aren't as offensive or diabolical as the nu-horror abominations with "hip young casts" currently infecting popular culture. Those things are causing a hell of a lot more damage than Der Bollmeister. And let's be honest - are there any properties Boll's fucked up which more than a handful of people care about? It's not like Albert Pyun's anal molesting of Captain "Rubber-Ears" America.
Oct. 25, 2005, 11:15 a.m. CST
by Childe Roland
Having just ordered House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark via my online rental provider (and having well over a bottle and a half of $8 reisling at home), I feel I'm well on my way. Now if someone could just tell me where I could get my mitts on some Nazi gold...
Oct. 25, 2005, 11:32 a.m. CST
by Josh Town
People, including you, must stop thinking they are going to get an epic, let alone good film out of Uwe Boll. Obviously it won't happen, and you're setting yourself up by thinking it will. If you go in knowing it will blow, the more fun you'll have. That is the genius in Uwe Boll. I hope he garners so much attention that one day he has a film that scores 25 million in box office revenue on the opening weekend, with the only attendees there, because they want to see a horrible film. Let this man bring back the midnight movie. If studios want to give him millions, so be it. Trust me, he will not ruin this for us all. Studios know a bad movie and director when they see one, they know who Uwe Boll is and what he's capable of. They know he's the Ed Wood reincarnte. He will ruin nothing, except for a few gaming franchises. This man is doing something right. He has all our attention. I'd bet 85% of the people on this boarding destroying his very existence will at some point see this movie. I know I will. Back to the trainwreck cliche, there is something oh so satisfying, watching somebody bring a capable movie down onto its knees. I look forward to every Boll film. Let's respect this guy for what he is, and a little bit of what he isn't, an entertainer. I don't know about you, but when I leave his movie I have a lot to talk about, a lot of smiles, and a lot of good laughs. In my book, plain and simple, that means I was entertained.
Oct. 25, 2005, 11:32 a.m. CST
I will forgive him for anything, thanks to his two-second "cowboy dance" in Demon Knight. One of the most hilariously rewatchable film moments ever.
Oct. 25, 2005, 11:38 a.m. CST
Chick photos were in Playboy, by cracky! Someone digs on her.
Oct. 25, 2005, 12:35 p.m. CST
I too, just like you, challenged myself and became a Boll scholar. I rented all of his movies, save for Sanctuary, which is impossible to find. Take care on your journey, son. You will need it, for the road ahead is wraught with peril.
Oct. 25, 2005, 1:10 p.m. CST
It's not just that he was an asshole, it's that he was a MEGA asshole who alienated every single person he ever spoke to. Go watch "Overnight" and you'll see why the guy will never work again. Whereas Uwe, on the other hand, seems like one unbelievably charming motherfucker. I've never even met the guy and even in weighted interviews where the interviewer is clearly just making fun of him, he seems to take it in stride with a knowing smile, and that gained from me a grudging respect. I got a grin on my face just from Quint describing Boll saying "My first enemy!" and STILL signing Quint's autograph with a flourish. He's a shit director living in delusions of competence, but you've got to admit, that's fucking classy. He doesn't seem to realize he's the worst, but he also knows he's not the best, and there's something to that. I too have decided to become a Boll scholar. Is there a support program for us?
Oct. 25, 2005, 1:13 p.m. CST
Uwe Boll vs Paul WS Anderson vs Pitof!!! "There can be only one."
Oct. 25, 2005, 1:23 p.m. CST
The one on Burnett, or the one south kinda off Ben White? Good Texmex. Try their Mexican Martini, its amazing.
Oct. 25, 2005, 1:43 p.m. CST
Don't worry, he doesn't know how to sell his films to South Africa - we've yet to get a single Uwe Boll film on the big screen over here (and we get almost everything). The SA distributors know very well that his films are crap. The real question, though, is how is this guy still getting work? I saw a pirate copy of HOUSE OF THE DEAD (natch) and it blew the big one!
Oct. 25, 2005, 1:58 p.m. CST
by Childe Roland
...on our path to Uwelightenment, vince. If, perchance, I come across Sanctuary, I'll let you know where it can be found. And, when next we meet, I may well call myself Childe Bolland. Long days and pleasant nights. My best to Zuul.
Oct. 25, 2005, 2:36 p.m. CST
by Bob of the Shire
The game anyway. Still, if done right the movie could have at least been amusing. A hot, well-endowed red-head running around killing Nazis? That could've seriously been some fun shit.
Oct. 25, 2005, 3:15 p.m. CST
by George Newman
IMDB can sometimes be full of false trash, but this is still terribly terrifying. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0462248/
Oct. 25, 2005, 3:18 p.m. CST
i just transferred into the University of Michigan Department of Uwebollology and wow is it exciting! my schedule: MWF 11-12 "History of Mind-Bafflingly Inappropriate Sex Scene Music," TTh 8-10 "Plagiarism 101" MW 2:30-4 "German Economics 232" MTWTh 10-11 "The Adverse Effects of Stephen Dorff on the Human Mind."
Oct. 25, 2005, 4:05 p.m. CST
by Childe Roland
...research in the field of Uwebollology has revealed some incredibly interesting facts. For instance, Boll's films apparently exude some sort of probability warping field that renders accurate averaging of viewer feedback impossible. If you look on the Blockbuster Video site, both House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark have a user rating of 2 stars. Yet, if you look at each of the reviews for these films, you'll see that nobody has actually given either more than one star. It is as if the films themselves defiantly resist any criticism.
Oct. 25, 2005, 4:15 p.m. CST
As Quint said, he'd make an incredible producer because the man can raise capital unlike anyone else in the independent world. "Why" you ask? Because, very simply, he's German, and ze Germans have been a major funder of film projects. In other words, the man bypassed the studios to get to the same Pot O' Gold, (yes studios still rely on outside investors for large budgets). As Quint pointed out, ze German funds are about to go under because the government has begun closing the loopholes. This will have serious impact....and for what it's worth, I've worked with some Germans in the entertainment field, and they were just as arrogant, ignorant and hackish as Boll and Emmerich.
Oct. 25, 2005, 4:18 p.m. CST
imagine the emoting scenes in that movie...
Oct. 25, 2005, 4:26 p.m. CST
I swear I hate that fucking argument, but if you dare criticize Whedon or Lucas or any other "geek" director you get bitten with that question. Now why isn't anybody defending Boll? WHY I ASK??? WHY?
Oct. 25, 2005, 4:28 p.m. CST
I tried once and it was hard as shit and I got nowhere. Everybody told me the concept was brilliant, but it's not easy to make a movie. So fuck all you Boll haters. I love him b/c he can at least direct a movie, whereas....I can't :(
Oct. 25, 2005, 4:36 p.m. CST
by Childe Roland
...astoundingly enough, the analyzation of Boll's career and work really lends credence to the "don't like it, direct a better one" argument (which I usually loathe as well). I mean, here's a guy, obviously a film and videogame fan, with no discernible creative talent whatsoever, who managed to get the financing and star cooperation to make these apparent shitfest movies. If he can do it, there really is no excuse for the rest of us. We should all get out there and dare to be as shitty as he. Viva la Boll!
Oct. 25, 2005, 4:50 p.m. CST
We all know Boll is a modern day Ed Wood. Maybe this is his Plan 9 from Outer Space?
Oct. 25, 2005, 5:09 p.m. CST
Your arguement holds no weight. Even though I have never directed a movie and possible would not be a very good director, doesn't mean I don't have the knowledge to criticize another directors piss poor efforts. I openly admit that I could not direct a movie any better than Boll, but I also know that by comparing his work to other directors in the movie business, he is average at best, and possibly below average. He may be able to handle the logistics of making a movie, but his artistic value is low. Maybe he should become a producer and leave directing to someone more talented in that aspect. In conclusion, I still think Quint should have kicked Boll in the balls, and laughed at him.
Oct. 25, 2005, 5:11 p.m. CST
Oct. 25, 2005, 5:11 p.m. CST
My argument didn't state that Boll was a good director. In fact I had no argument. It was a question followed up with a statement that I can't direct movies.
Oct. 25, 2005, 5:17 p.m. CST
there is no god in a world where uwe boll makes feature films and people with talent struggle their whole lives and never break into the buisness. I will violently asault mr. boll if i ever see him. he boils my blood.
Oct. 25, 2005, 5:38 p.m. CST
If that company financed the Punisher where does that put the sequel?
Oct. 25, 2005, 6:49 p.m. CST
...but who would have thought we'd ever see the humble beginnings of a bonafide backlash against the Boll hate? Patience, angrykirby - in time, you too will come to love The Boll.
Oct. 25, 2005, 7:14 p.m. CST
...for aspiring Bollologists: www.house-of-the-dead.com/trailer/official_teaser_l.mov
Oct. 25, 2005, 7:19 p.m. CST
Oct. 25, 2005, 8:08 p.m. CST
That's hilarious, stuff of legends. Sorry to hear this one sucks. I'm still, I guess, happily a Boll virgin.
Oct. 25, 2005, 8:15 p.m. CST
Oct. 25, 2005, 8:27 p.m. CST
He's nice so therefore we should respect him even a little...Fuck that
Oct. 25, 2005, 8:33 p.m. CST
I just don't need to state, seriously, how much he sucks. He sucks so much that it has transformed into the realm of just simply exploring the possiblities of how this man gets movies made. It's more of a parody to be respecting him. It is an art and an intense method to understanding his madness. Take time in examining his movies and soon, he will corrupt you.
Oct. 25, 2005, 8:37 p.m. CST
for his fucked up efforts. House of the Dead?. I've seen better film on teeth
Oct. 25, 2005, 8:54 p.m. CST
I played the game once, and it wasn't set 500 hundred years ago in medieval Europe. It was vampires vs. nazis, which would have made a pretty cool movie. This looks like garbage, though. I have not seen any of Dr. Boll's films, and thank the gods every day for that. Besides, what is he a doctor of? Suckology? Heh. I'm 8.
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:08 p.m. CST
A good starting point could be www.smart-popcorn.com. They did a decent analysis of a number of Boll films, including the pre-House of the Dead films.
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:10 p.m. CST
soon to become an evil cult. He is a demon.
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:11 p.m. CST
I mean, c'mon man, you sound like some 18 year old Subway employee in backwater USA. "Insane" or "crazy" would do. Hope you catch this.
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:39 p.m. CST
"retarded" is the only word that fits.
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:53 p.m. CST
This guy is secretly planning on being the Fourth Reich or something. He's gonna mind warp us with his films into killing all jews and bowing to his feet. The bastard. Someone needs to poison this dude before he takes on the world hitler style and slaughters everything we love. The bastard motherfucking asswipe cock-sucking pansey-ass sonofabitch Swastica prick. SOMEBODY CALL THE "JEWS IN SPACE" TO BLAST THIS GUY TO HELL WITH THE REST OF THE EVIL RACE!
Oct. 25, 2005, 9:58 p.m. CST
Some people on this site might call that BLASPHEMY!! And I would agree.
Oct. 25, 2005, 10:06 p.m. CST
by Lenny Nero
Sorry, just listened to "Bat out of Hell 2: Back into Hell," one of the best albums of the 90s. That is all. Good night.
Oct. 26, 2005, 12:53 a.m. CST
Fuck him in his ear....quint you asshole...i cant believe you actually SPOKE to him. What's wrong with you Q-man???
Oct. 26, 2005, 3:17 a.m. CST
by Some Dude
If you take offense to the word "retard" used as a pejorative, then the words "insane" and "crazy" should also be verboten. Unless you are a hypocritical retard.
Oct. 26, 2005, 4:03 a.m. CST
The reason why? Me and my buddies get together, get FUCKING SAUCED if possible and proceed to watch the latest uwe boll movie in full on MST3K mode. We try to do this in theaters, and we laugh our asses off and have a great time EACH time. Best of all, we can talk and laugh and scream as loud as we want to, cause we're the only ones in the damn theater! Even if it's opening weekend! In fact, such loud behavior is welcome in a uwe boll movie theater, cause if there actually is anyone else watching, they're making fun of the movie in the same loud and crazy manner as us! It's the most fun in theaters I get to have. I EXPECT a crappy movie from uwe boll, cause the crappier the movie, the funnier for me and my friends. I'll see you on opening day in the theaters with popcorn in one hand, a bloodrayne ticket in the other, and Jack Daniels under my coat! Long live MST3K
Oct. 26, 2005, 4:16 a.m. CST
I'm not an RPG fan but from everything I've read and/or seen about all the games I think it would make a decent fantasy (unless the aforementioned Boll-ster gets his dirty German hands on it) (I have some German in me so I can poke fun Nyah Nyah). The reason why no one has defended Boll with the whole "well have you ever directed a film" argument is simple ...BECAUSE A FUCKING INFANT COULD PUT MORE EMOTION BEHIND A SCENE OR MAKE A SCENE MAKE SENSE OVER MR. BOLL. Even Lucus at his worst in the prequels could make a simple acting scene work, it which case it is possible to work the scene but how well can you work it? Can you wring the word "classic" from the scene? That stands to be judged and everyone and anyone has their own set of merits to go by also depending on the actor chosen and their delivery. Uwe Boll has absolutely no eye for how a scene should flow (technically speaking of course, I guess it depends on whether or not you are a fan of Altman, but even where his scenes might feel unwieldy to a viewer not used to one of his movies, the scene still moves in a certain graceful manner). Besides, who in their right fucking mind would incorporate video game scenes into a movie a la House of the Dead? Regardless, and I really hate to say this, as far as Uwe Boll being this generation's Ed Wood, I can't help but be interested in seeing this train wreck. I know I'm a whore but you can bet I'll only be seeing this at the matinee (cheating him out of 2 or 3 dollars). My apologies if I sounded kinda vague in the post.
Oct. 26, 2005, 4:20 a.m. CST
Quint, I liked your review but I wish it had been a little longer with more slams (the more creative, the more funny, dude). It was mostly sad though, in the sense of trying to tell the brick-wall-in-waiting Mr. Boll why his movies suck royal donkey turd. It was so sad I almost want to compose a haiku about it....
Oct. 26, 2005, 7:16 a.m. CST
"Ikari Warriors" into a film.
Oct. 26, 2005, 9:54 a.m. CST
I came across this (House of the Dead) by accident, and saw Jurgen Prochnow so I stayed a bit. And regretted it deeply. Something interesting could have been with the plot, but sure as hell wasn't. What a load of kark. Quint, why you didn't harpoon that shit-shark is beyond me. You let us down, my man. How could you forget these words - "That's the thing about Uwe Boll, he's got dead eyes...lifeless eyes...like a doll's eyes. Like he isn't living at all...until you see one of his movies, and those black eyes roll over white..." Now, because of you, he's free to make "movies" again, instead of floating to the bottom of old briney with yer harpoon clean up his ass. Somewhere, Robert Shaw is scowling.
Oct. 26, 2005, 11:22 a.m. CST
Boll is director #4.
Oct. 26, 2005, 11:55 a.m. CST
Oct. 26, 2005, 11:58 a.m. CST
Oct. 26, 2005, 1:36 p.m. CST
the movie INVINCIBLE that starred Billy Zane? I caught it on TV once and it ... is ... horrible. I'm assuming BLOODRAYNE is probably right around there in shittiness but I don't think anything, even done by Uwe, can be as bad as that movie.
Oct. 26, 2005, 1:38 p.m. CST
"Ikari Warriors" ... that brings back memories.
Oct. 26, 2005, 1:51 p.m. CST
I swear my 6 year old niece has better handwriting skills than him.
Oct. 27, 2005, 1:05 a.m. CST
by Chief Redcock
...i'll say it again, dr. boll's works are tailor made for discussion on this site. it's like a match made in heaven... i mean, boll is about seven degrees away from being a talkbacker himself. he also makes the type of films that i imagine most talkbackers would make if they actually got off their bitching asses and became filmmakers (HA, yeah right!). or maybe it's just that i always have rammstein going through my head as i read talkbacks... it's the sound of a constant onslaught. very appropriate.
Oct. 28, 2005, 3:42 a.m. CST
Just realize not every director is Stanley Kubrick. Yes his movies suck really bad. But hey man at least he's not costing the studio 150 million dollars. He's making movies on salaries of most A Listers and getting "known" names. Just realize he's building a legacy and somewhere down the line they'll be Uwe Boll collectors set to sit around and laugh at with friends. Uwe Boll is the new Ed Wood get used to it.
Oct. 28, 2005, 6:05 a.m. CST
Except when she's sucking on my hog.
Oct. 28, 2005, 1:18 p.m. CST
That alone is worth the price of admission. He gives Billy Ray Cyrus a run for his money.
Oct. 30, 2005, 3:57 a.m. CST
by John Rambo
One of the most difficult games of all time.
Oct. 30, 2005, 7:12 a.m. CST
I knew this would be a bad movie, but I didn't think it'd be THAT bad. I'd wait for it's release on DVD just to see how bad it is...but I don't want to even pay for the DVD..or even a rental fee! Not through fear of losing cash (I've bought plenty of terrible films) but I don't want to support Uwe in any way at all!
Oct. 31, 2005, 5:32 p.m. CST
by Childe Roland
...after having sat through Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead this past weekend. First, the A-list actors Boll gets really haven't been A-listers in quite some time. So I imagine they were all too happy to take part in these...films...so long as the checks cleared. Second, I don't think Uwe actually ever played either of these games. Third, the movies are bad if you're looking for them to faithfully adapt the source material, but thus far this is a pretty universal complaint about video game movies. As movies with oddly familiar titles, they aren't nearly as bad as everyone here says they are. Don't get me wrong. They're made-for-Sci-Fi Channel bad in terms of plot and dialogue, but the production values are actually pretty high in comparison. They're visually diverting and infused with just enough oddly inappropriate music to make them mildly interesting background noise. I actually watched these in the same Halloween marathon as Hellraiser 1 & 2, really hoping the latter films would wash what I assumed would be a bad cinematic taste from my mouth. But the Boll films merely left me apathetic and, because I'd made the curious mental note about their discrepancies from teh source material (two games I didn't care about) I found myself hypersensitized to the discrepancies in Hellraiser from its source material (the novella The Hellbound Heart, which is quite a good read if you haven't). Watching Boll actually decreased my appreciation for two films I otherwise enjoyed without really forming any strong opinion of his work itself. An odd phenomenon, to be sure, and more study is obvuiously needed before any real conclusions can be drawn. But is Boll possessed of some sort of movie de-magicker that, by the mere proximity of his films to others, can make movies in general seem wholly inadequate?
Nov. 3, 2005, 10:05 a.m. CST
How is it that Boll can get ample money to get shit like this made, yet it takes Ernie Cline 7 years to get his ingenious script for fanboys to get greenlit? I know Ernie, and Ewe Boll is no Ernie. Hell, he's no Paul W.S. Anderson.
Nov. 19, 2005, 5:12 p.m. CST
and if Quint can't work up enough scum in his blood to write a script about his conflicts with Boll (in my dreams, starring David Leisure as Uwe) then he should abandon all hopes of actually being part of the movie business, instead of taking potshots from the sidelines for the rest of his miserable life.
May 22, 2010, 12:52 a.m. CST
by 'Cholera's Ghost
I have <p>no opinion</p>
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