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Massawyrm gets stuck in mud and wails about DOOM!

Hey folks, Harry here... One of the things I love about AICN is when two people that are friends can attend the exact same screening but see two movies incredibly different from one another. Massawyrm's review is on the exact opposite end of the spectrum from mine, which is going up momentarily. Is he wrong? No, he just approached the film from a different point of view that I did. Of the two of us, he's the one that's met and kiss assed with The Rock. But even that didn't give him wood during this film. But know - if you go to see DOOM, there's a chance this is how you'll react.

Hola all. Massawyrm here. Doom. Oh dear god, where do I start? I guess the fact that the film opened with the trailer for Jarhead and its jarring tagline ‘Welcome to the suck’ should have been a sign. Suck indeed. This movie belongs in a very special category of suck reserved for such classics as Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Alien Versus Predator and Blade Trinity. I mean, why they didn’t just hand this project over wholesale to Paul W.S. Anderson is beyond me. It would have been the same fucking film. That’s how amazingly craptastic this film was. Hell, I guess Universal felt one Paul W.S. Anderson and one Uwe Boll in the world wasn’t enough. They needed one more. Ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you the new man tearing apart your favorite video games – Andrzej Bartowiak, a director with such masterpiece works of filmmaking under his belt as Romeo Must Die, Exit Wounds and Cradle 2 the Grave.

Now I can’t take Andrzej Bartowiak completely to the mat. As a cinematographer he did a masterful job on such films as 13 Days, Devil’s Advocate and Falling Down, as well as lensing a whole slew of really good (and yes a few bad) films. But as a director, he has joined the ranks of that special group of people that should have stayed cinematographers.

Doom isn’t so much a bad film as it is a pathetic film. It’s just sad. The character development is dismally weak, the storyline is but a retread of a retread of a retread and the dialog is so bad it gets yours eyes rolling often enough to induce vertigo. But you don’t care about that, do you? You want action. You want aliens and zombies exploding in fantastic fashion and you don’t give a flaying rats ass about any of that bullshit. Well, good fucking luck my friend, because the action here is some of the lamest, overdone, guitar driven drivel to grace the screen in recent years. Weighed down by its own attempts at being cute, it throws any and every reference to the video game humanly possible at you, trying to convince you that it is its own original concept. Of course, it does so as it begins to descend into a hellish pit of cliché that doesn’t just seem to blatantly rip off other films, it almost parodies them.

Now discussing this film without talking about Aliens is virtually impossible. Let’s face it – Doom, Halo, Resident Evil – they’re all video game adaptations of James Cameron’s masterpiece of a Sci/fi sequel. Someone has discovered/created something that could make a powerful weapon, it’s gotten loose in a facility, killed everyone there and it’s up to highly trained, heavily armed “Marines” to go in and neutralize the threat. As videogames, this concept, while derivative, works. But when translating those concepts back to film you have to know that you are simply remaking one of the greatest science fiction films ever made, and if you’re going to make it, god damnit, you better make it better. You’ve got almost 20 years of technology on Cameron’s effort, surely you can make something at least vaguely comparable. But no. Once again Aliens has been remade, and this time it sucks the hair right off my sack – strand by fucking strand.

Sure, they give it the old college try. The writers really try to ratchet up the tension by throwing some interesting character twists at the audience and going places films of this type rarely, if ever, go – and I’ll give them a smidge of credit for that. Unfortunately their interesting ideas are marred by their inability to develop interesting characters and their disastrous attempts at dialog. “Semper Fi, Mother fucker?” “Now that’s a big fucking gun?” Oh Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker. What I would have given to be put down myself as this film dragged on to its incredibly dull conclusion.

And did I mention how boring it is? Dear god, this movie tries to jump right into the action, only to deliver the most unimaginative shot structure, set design and a pace that takes tedium to a whole new level. You don’t care one iota about a single character, hell you barely get to know anything but their names (ingeniously relayed to us by the talking guns that serve to try to convince us that they’re not the same exact fucking guns from Aliens), and there’s zero reason to ever be interested. Interesting characters? Zero. Interesting kills? Zero. Interesting monsters? Zero. Interesting situations? One. Interesting development of said situations? Zero. Never was I intrigued, never did I care, never did I want to see anything developed that they presented. And despite how loud the soundtrack was, despite the rapid gunfire, despite the alt/rock guitars kicking in with all the utility of a 70’s wah-wah detective show guitar, all I wanted to do was sleep. I wanted to curl up and sleep through this mindless foray into been-there-done-that, but I couldn’t. I mean, it couldn’t continue to get worse, could it? Oh yes. It could, and it did.

Now every negative review is gonna say it and I’ve got to contest it here – the first person sequence, the four minutes this film will go down in history for, turns out not to be like watching one of your buddies play Doom on his PS2. On the contrary, I’ve had fun watching my buddies play Doom on their PS2. This was retarded. Absolutely retarded. More akin to sitting on a tram taking you through a mechanical haunted house, the audience is treated to a series of seemingly animatronic monsters popping out of nowhere to be blown apart by our seemingly soulless hero. Yes, it’s there for homage, yes it’s there give much love to the medium that spawned the film - but that doesn’t make it a good idea. While certainly not as bad as it may seem, it becomes the movies most pathetic moment. It’s one of those sequences that could have been pointed to as the moment the film went off the rails, had it ever been on the rails to begin with.

Let’s face it. Videogame movies are stuck in the same age that superhero films were in the 90’s. They just ain’t working. Until they begin handing these franchises over to film makers who understand the medium and share an equal profound love and understanding of both film making and the videogames themselves, it’s just going to continue not to work. Keep handing it to guys who make schlock, and you’re going to get schlock. And that’s what Doom is – pure, unadulterated schlock. If schlock is your thing, rejoice! If you will giggle maniacally at the mere appearance of the BFG 9000 and the idea of Duane Johnson uttering “That’s a big fucking gun” then you’ll be in hog heaven. Doom will fit nicely in-between you’re Resident Evil Box set and your copy of Ewe Boll’s Alone in the Dark. Otherwise, it ain’t worth your time. It’s a mind numbing frontal lobotomy for the videogame nuts who desire nothing more than to say “Hu-yuk! The Rock done blown that monster up real good! You get ‘em sarge!”

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.

Massawyrm

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Readers Talkback
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  • Oct. 19, 2005, 6:47 a.m. CST

    Hes aware...

    by Ridge

    That Doom wasn't even ON the ps2 isn't he? I mean call it a pissy point but...

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 6:50 a.m. CST

    This is a surprise???

    by LargoJr

    I posted ALL of this in a former talback about this movie a month or so ago... same guns as Aliens, terrible dialogue, shitty acting... OF COURSE it's going to suck... it stars Dwayne Johnson.. the gay wrestler turned 'action hero'.. SMELL WHAT I'M COOKIN BROTHER!!??

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 6:50 a.m. CST

    Whoa...I just got to the office...

    by Blue_Demon

    Oh well.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 7:27 a.m. CST

    Character Development?? Bwahahahahaha

    by EvilMonkey01

    "The character development is dismally weak" With that one statement his review lost all credibility for me. Who in the hell is expecting 'character development' in this movie??

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 7:27 a.m. CST

    I have to admit

    by Ridge

    It sounds like Mass went to this movie expecting way too much. Did he ever play the original game? Plot? Character development? Screw that, I just want shit to blow up!

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 7:47 a.m. CST

    Laugh your ass off!

    by The Colonel

    http://www.intrepidmedia.com/column.asp?id=2352

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8 a.m. CST

    PLEASE HELP ME!!!

    by IAmMrMonkey

    I've run out of shelf space and I'm not sure if this WILL fit between my Resident Evil boxset and my copy of Alone In The Dark. Please send me a shelf so I can add it to my collection. I mean, my House Of The Dead DVD is lying on top of my tv because there's no room for that either...

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:04 a.m. CST

    As it's DOOM there's a small possibility I'll like i

    by Lone Fox

    But it stars a wrestler. Named after a piece of earth. I've accepted it's going to be entirely unengaging, but I could be swayed by big fucking monsters tearing shit up. Ah well... at least it's not Vin Diesel

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:06 a.m. CST

    Does anyone else pronounce "homage" with the "H" sound?

    by Mahaloth

    Just me, I guess.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:14 a.m. CST

    Okay, nobody expected that

    by moviemaniac-7

    A videogame movie that sucks. Well... Onto another remark early in the review. I know Blade III isn't much liked over here, but I thought it was an enjoyable movie. It isn't a match to the first and second Blade movies, but it surely has its moments. And don't start bitching that it was one long iPod commercial, cause if a guy like Tarantino would have done the exact same thing in his Kill Bill movies, everybody would have been raving about it. I thought Blade III was an enjoyable flick, unlike the other crap mentioned with it.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:28 a.m. CST

    this movie would work with some street racing...

    by jig98

    if these people think the rock looks like vin diesel so freaking much, how about an homage?

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:31 a.m. CST

    Frankly, I stopped giving a shit about a Doom movie

    by drjohnnyfever

    yeas ago. So whether it's good or it sucks really makes no difference to me.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:32 a.m. CST

    I'm puzzled...

    by Uncooked_Meat

    ... How do you go into a movie that is a) based on a video gmae and b) said video game has even LESS plot than the average game from back then... and then bitch about the absence of character development? That's just weird to me. Makes no sense. This isn't Pride and Prejudice, for fuck's sake.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:37 a.m. CST

    Re: Hes aware...

    by photoboy

    "That Doom wasn't even ON the ps2 isn't he? I mean call it a pissy point but..." by Ridge Yeah, I noticed that too. Maybe he meant that the film was as dull as watching your mate put the PC version of Doom 3 into his PS2 and try to play it. ;)

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:39 a.m. CST

    Don't forget Jan de Bont!!!

    by Strabo

    ...for the Director Hall of Suck. Massa is right...until we get some people making these movies who respect the sources they're adapting, video game movies are going to suck, much like comic book movies sucked (with the notable exceptions of Superman I & II) until the last few years. Perhaps Steven Spielberg's recently announced deal with EA to produce a couple games may have a chance of changing the perception in Hollywood that games can't have good narratives. Until that paradigm shifts, Hollywood better keep their stinking mother fucking hands OFF of Max Payne.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:42 a.m. CST

    oh yeah, I forgot...

    by Strabo

    I think I'm probably going to see this anyway...I happen to be making a trip to D.C. this weekend to see some friends (and Avery Brooks playing Othello) and we may go see this for the sheer MST3K heckling value. Oh, also...this isn't really to my credit, but I kind of have a soft spot for The Rock after The Rundown. That movie was fun. Fairly mindless, but fun.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:42 a.m. CST

    DOOM could've been good ...

    by MajorOcelot

    Despite the fact that the game didn't have much narrative, if anyone with a little bit of creativity would've worked on this it could've been one hell of a thriller. The fact that they added an ensamble cast and turned the demons into just another friggin science experiment gone wrong is all kinds of pussy. It is not a DOOM game or movie unless the protagonists, by way of a portal, go to hell and fight demons on their own turf. Were they afraid that Satanists would be offended that demons were being killed? WTF!?!?!?

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:52 a.m. CST

    moviemaniac-7 ...

    by MajorOcelot

    I kind of enjoyed Blade III as well, but if Tarantino featured an iPod in one of his movies like it was in that, I don't think people would be raving about it. Something like that would gain him the title of "Sell Out" for the rest of his career.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 9:02 a.m. CST

    It's a movie based on an idiotic plotless game, directed by

    by SalvatoreGravano

    And yet it appears to be even worse than I thought. My goodness. It will be a hit in USA and then in Macao.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 9:24 a.m. CST

    I don't know why this Massawyrm guy is bitching about stuff

    by DerLanghaarige

    Fuck, this is a film, basing on an EGOSHOOTER!!! I guess it will be b-movie funride like Resident Evil 1 & 2, including lots of "scary" scenes, that make you laugh and nothing but action, action, action and THAT'S what I wanna see, when I go to a film like this. If you wanna see characters in an actionfilm, watch Aliens or T2 again.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 9:50 a.m. CST

    DerLanghaarige, so sad.

    by dr_dreadlocks

    "If you want a good film go watch a good film! If you want to watch a bad one, come join my shithead parade!" - If you don't find films like Resident Evil asinine and boring, than you just aren't ahead of (or even on) the curve, man. Every scene from Resident Evil, both films, is derived from another far better scene in other films. Yet you can watch it and enjoy it, why? You know where it's going and you know why. What, the tits? You can get them on your computer for free. The explosions are weak, the effects are bad, and the dialogue is recycled tripe that children find retarded. It's perfunctory and really boring. If you don't like to be surprised by a film, you're a sad soul and I pray for your children... if you're capable of having them. Also, to llac5, in Aliens a group of soldiers with guns go into a base and havoc ensues. It was the first time that had been done, and the gum-chewing tough guys were derivative from Wayne war films, sure, but they were done well. Resident Evil, Doom (this permutation) and Alien Vs. Predator (Another W.S. Anderson film) follow the EXACT same pattern. It's not inspiration, it's a black and white photocopy. Poorly done, full of blotches, and a completely useless cash-in. Please God don't tell me you enjoyed it if you're over the age of 15. It's juvenile and sad, and grow the fuck up. Please? Thank you. That's my rant for the day.

  • anyone going into this movie thinking such theamatic elements would be in this movie needs to go buy a clue.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 9:59 a.m. CST

    Guitar-driven Soundtrack?

    by www.valiens.com

    Everything else is forgivable. If you combine this review with the CHUD review it all makes perfect sense: Some of the cheesetasticness is on purpose and you either buy into it and go along for the ride or you want to fall asleep. Either way the movie is cheese--but at least it knows it. It's not trying to be anything else. That being said, MAN do I loathe the guitar-driven action movie. That might be the deal breaker for me.

  • riddle me that!

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 10:12 a.m. CST

    I like video games, but they will rarely if ever make good movie

    by Orbots Commander

    Why? Because there's no there, there. In other words, games, especially shooter games have no characters, plot, or a coherent pre-existing mythology as a springboard. The only reason these movies are being made is for the name value, in order to try to get the game's fans to buy movie tickets.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 10:40 a.m. CST

    Where'd your buddy get PS2 Doom?

    by TheDarkShape

    Seriously.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 10:45 a.m. CST

    DerLanghaarige

    by smackfu

    I of loving the action movie too, but charactering develop is many important of the movie making good.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 11:09 a.m. CST

    Star Wars Episode III will own your ass!

    by jesuschrist

    From the midichlorians to Jar Jar, it wil possess your hindquarters.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 11:10 a.m. CST

    Resident Evil - Where Did The House Go?

    by Mako

    My favorite thing about the first Resident Evil game was the house. The creepness factor. And I knew the movie was in trouble when the characters are only in the house for 2 minutes... and there's nothing creepy about it. ARGGG

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 11:10 a.m. CST

    There are two kinds of good Actionfilms:

    by DerLanghaarige

    The real good ones, with a great script and everything (like "ALiens"), and the dumb, but entertaining one ("XXX"). But this film is based on THE GAME NAMED DOOM! It never had characters, so why should the film have some? It was all about shooting stuff!

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 11:11 a.m. CST

    DOOM WAS NEVER ON PS2 SHITHEAD!

    by Alkohal

    If your gonna say something about the game KNOW YOUR DAMN FACTS! And as far expecting an OSCAR QUALITY MOVIE, You should be shot to death for such ludicris expectations! It's a video game movie based on a game about KILLING THINGS, what did you expect Lord Of The Rings. The whole point of the games was your a guy who goes from one dark hall to the next shooting things, doesnt sound much different than the movie, so I really wonder what you were expecting.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 11:13 a.m. CST

    PLANT!!!!

    by BRUTICUS

    or not

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 11:16 a.m. CST

    i completely agree

    by zombiefreak

    i caught the screening last night and it was baaaaaad. they should have just left out what attempted to be a plot and had 30-45 mins of killing. that would have been much better. btw - the BFG was affectionately known to those that played the games as the "big fucking gun".

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 11:30 a.m. CST

    In the same category as Blade: Trinity

    by Celicynd

    Oh, so it's better than the shit-fest that was Blade 2. :-p

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 12:13 p.m. CST

    Doom on PS2?

    by Akira'sCrow

    I knew people would jump on him for saying that, and rightly so considering this is a movie that primarily gamers are going to go see. However, the PS2 being backward compatible, one could play Final Doom (Doom and Doom 2) from their PS1 on their PS2. I somehow doubt that is what he's saying, but it IS possible.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 12:41 p.m. CST

    MajorOcelot

    by moviemaniac-7

    I don't think that he would have gotten the kind of shit that Blade III has gotten about it. Of course, QT wouldn't have used Jurassic 5 or Fluke, but some groovy 70s tune for it.

  • It wasn't in the 90s, but at least there was SOME sense of hope for that genre. Video Games are shit source material for movies! No good filmmaker will EVER be inspired to make a great movie from a Video Game...except in some really off the wall way. These are corporate movies made purely for greed.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 1:53 p.m. CST

    Character developement

    by lilsimm53

    You expect character development because it's a damn movie! Forget what it's based off of; Your movie isn't worth anything if the audience doesn't care about the hero. And besides that Massawyrm said that there would be people crying foul about it anyway...as he said, the action sequences are bad too. Don't get hung up on one line.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 1:53 p.m. CST

    Sadly, this could be a hit -- an action movie with all the gratu

    by FrankDrebin

    Once again, the porno industry has blazed the trail. Starting in the 90's, they ditched any pretense of telling stories, and just kept the money shots. No more cable guys, pizza delivery boys, randy doctors, shirtless hitchhikers, supermarket bagboys ...

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 2:38 p.m. CST

    RESIDENT EVIL 1 AND 2 ROCKED...

    by zathras34

    I am not a video gamer,,but I loved resident evil 1 and 2...I am praying there will be a third..nothing big,,,maybe direct to video... I didnt go see the first two at the theater's..saw them when they were released on dvd..(does anyone know if they are making a third?..I heard at one time they were) So I wont see doom till it gets released a few months down the road on dvd...by the way just watched "land of the dead"...and its not as bad as everyone said..so who knows, to each here own...

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 3:11 p.m. CST

    Doom on PS2

    by Duke of Hurl

    Doom 3 is on X Box, retards.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 5:51 p.m. CST

    "This movie belongs in a very special category of suck reserved

    by godoffireinhell

    Cool, I enjoyed the hell out of RE2 and BLADE 3 so I guess I'll have fun with DOOM as well.

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 7:16 p.m. CST

    Responses

    by Massawyrm 1

    1) Well, my buddy used to play Final Doom on his PS2 and as I played Doom 3 on my Xbox, I assumed it was crossplatform - turns out I was wrong. I bow to your super knowledge of platform compatibility. 2) Fim maker video game players. Lots of them. Lots. Rodgriguez always has a huge multiplayer Halo set up on his sets for him and his crew. Roger Avery and French filmmaker Gans are big video game nuts who are doing their own adaptation of Silent Hill. And I've talked to many, many other film makers, actors and writers who are as big, if not bigger, video game fans than even the screaming assholes who had to point out that Doom was not available on PS2. Trust me. It's just like when we said that real filmmakers would never like comic books. We were fucking wrong. 3) yes, if you liked Resident Evil and Blade 3, you're probably going to love this film. Seriously.

  • I laugh whenever I see this guy bring in a review to Harry. Harry's review of DOOM was spot on since that's what I expected DOOM to be in the first place. I wanna see carnage, soldiers fucking shit up, and the monsters. I don't really care much about this character development Massawyrm talks about because IT'S A MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEOGAME. What do you expect Massawyrm? Do you want to see the Rock fuck the alien babes and see what that backstory is? Shit, you have no intelligence in reviewing movies, Massawyrm. ___KNEEL___ before Z0D

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 8:26 p.m. CST

    Just because a movie's based on a videogame ...

    by Shan

    ... doesn't mean they can't try and create character development and a much more complex story. Maybe, just maybe the reviewer is suggesting that they should try for once. After all, they make movies from short stories, short outlines, comic books and in the case of Pirates of the Caribbean - a theme park ride. Like or hate that one, you have to admit they added a lot of depth onto the original concept/"story" ... At least you hope the people doing Half Life have learned from this after they see it ...

  • Oct. 19, 2005, 9:31 p.m. CST

    IF YOU PAY TO SEE THIS MOVIE YOU ARE ASKING FOR MORE STUPID SHIT

    by Nate Champion

  • Oct. 20, 2005, 2:10 p.m. CST

    Well Done Massawyrm!

    by monorail77

    Any review that begins with the words "Oh dear God, where do I start" gets my undying praise. Kudos to you, sir.