This might very well be my second most hated film I’ve seen in history.

My first would be, that abortion of a DVD special edition of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD that Russo vomited into existence.

That film, you could almost forgive – under the pretense that a group of delusional mental midgets had a tiny sum of money and were desperate to re-establish copyright over the property. Of course that GREED was their primary motivation and utter ignorance their creative tool… can not be forgiven.

But here… With the remake of THE FOG, they had a budget. Now it certainly didn’t help that for some reason this film was rushed into production with a script by Cooper Layne that must have been obvious to all was a steaming pile of shit. I mean – folks – you have NO IDEA how excruciatingly awful this script is. At every point – it just breathlessly sucks the will to live from your mind.

In fact, I bet if I showed any of you Carpenter’s original FOG twice, then a month later said to you, “You have 1 day to write from memory a remake of THE FOG,” that you’d come up with something that made more sense, had more atmosphere and would be scarier. Never mind actually having 3 months with a professional screenwriter not named Cooper Layne.

But still… I have to imagine that had ANY of you been given this EXACT script to work with and HALF the budget of this film, you would have made 10 times the film.

Rupert Wainwright may be suffering from Head Trauma. The pipes in his kitchen may have a high lead content. He may, in fact, be a soulless automaton with no emotional basis for human interaction. I’m not sure what his problem is, but he is not a film director. Not close. He can not create atmosphere, he can not create a scary moment, he can not coax a genuine emotion from even the one “FANTASTIC” actress in the cast, much less a convincing cardboard performance from the others. Uwe Boll did a vastly superior job with that second piece of crap he directed.

This is just… horrifyingly awful.

I think, perhaps the reason why I reacted this badly was… Well, I love John Carpenter’s THE FOG. The other day I got sent the new DVD – which is essentially the exact same DVD as the last edition but with new cover art – btw. And I watched it about 5 times in a row. Now, the film isn’t the greatest damn horror film ever made… but it is a ghost story that comes from the spirit of my fave horror works… E.C. Comics. The cadaverous ghoulish creations that are back, pissed off and seeking revenge. The original film is attempting to be the greatest ghost yarn ever spun. From the John Houseman story to the top of the lighthouse tower – the film reeks of creeps.

Having said that, watching the film, you get the idea that the movie was rushed, underfinanced and half explored. BUT – for what is there, it is pretty fucking great. For one, the casting was just perfect. Tom Atkins, Jamie Lee Curtis, Janet Leigh, Adrienne Barbeau, Hal Holbrook, John Houseman, Charles Cyphers. They all looked like a film cast.

In this new piece of shit you sure have a lot of vacuous mannequins masquerading as human beings.

Tom Welling? Oh yeah, he looks like a seaman. Perfectly manicured, shaved and doted over. Only thing he may have done near the sea was lay on a beach waxing a surfboard while talking about how someday he’d take it out for some wicked waves.

DeRay Davis – this “actor” plays Welling’s “Gilligan” afro-American jive-smack-hip-hop homie on da boat. “Why I gots to do all da work?” I SHIT YOU NOT. Later you’ll see him make off with a boat and a pair of “White wimmins” to shoot a reality tv program he wants to call “BUNS ON DA BOAT” This is a fisherman? A sailor? I know his character claims to be from Chicago, but what on Earth is a refugee from BARBERSHOP doing in a small ALL WHITE fishing community working under the Prom King? This is one of the most embarrassing racist characters I’ve seen in a horror film that isn’t going for parody.

Adrian Hough – Father Malone. Ok – remember Hal Holbrook? Now, imagine someone at the exact opposite extreme of talent. Devoid of any quality whatsoever. Primary acting talent is to STARE AT THE GROUND AWAITING A DIRECTOR TO SAY, “CUT!”

Jonathon Young – Dan the Weather Man. They literally cast someone that at the time he got this part, his most recent role was, “Bachelor Party Guy” from A GUY THING. There is ZERO charisma here. Terrible.

Maggie Grace – The Jamie Lee Curtis character. Ok, she’s beautiful. I’ll give ya that. But 9/10ths of what is required of her is to stand staring off into the distance… waiting desperately for the merciful edit that will eventually lead to a ridiculous flashback to random seafaring leper footage – which is actually a relief from the staring, but is without purpose or direction, only to be randomly interrupted by Maggie’s continual staring – before after 2-3 seconds someone touches her shoulder and she moves off camera.

Selma Blair – I love Selma Blair. I do. This is an actress with so much going on (in other films) and whom I always can’t wait to see on screen (usually) but in this… with one exception… is just completely flat. She’s playing the Adrienne Barbeau role of Stevie Wayne. First off – the music she plays SUCKS UNWIPED ASS! But – there’s no real difference between RADIO Stevie and MOTHER Stevie. Remember how this character was a great strong female protagonist? Remember how she stayed at the Lighthouse to update the town on where the FOG was going – so people would be warned? Remember how she needed NOBODY to save her? Remember how she never left the Light House and at the end was atop the thing fighting a losing battle with the undead in one of the scariest most tense fucking scenes in cinema history? Ok – NONE OF THAT IS HERE! Selma Blair’s character abandons her post to run off to save her disobedient brat. She’s continually needing and wanting protection. And has a terrible RADIO voice. AND – She’s the best thing in the film, though it is the worst part and performance of her career.

The predator ghosts are lame, the actual make-up on the ghouls themselves aren’t bad, but because it’s transparent – it doesn’t scare like Rob Bottin’s Wormface. Instead of the HOOK hand – we get a back of a cane. Ahem. All of this is just dreadful.

The Fog. CG- Fog sucks. Sorry, it does. I never liked the long shots of the Fog in Carpenter’s original, but they’re so much better than this shit. At least John had the fog just kinda hang there in the long shots. Here, it’s moving really really fast… So, like in 20 seconds it would have enveloped the entire town – and they’d all be fucked. Think of this as EXTREME Fog. UGH! Just terrible.

There wasn’t one moment of satisfaction with this film. Not one jump scare. Not a single genuine scary moment. Nothing worked. The Love Scene? Laugh out loud clumsy and dreadful.

One of the most incompetent worthless wastes of time, talent, energy and money. Without a single redeeming feature. Remember all those 90’s WB style Teen Horror films? This is far more terrible than ANY of those.