I am – Hercules!!
I got about a million emails over the summer from tough-talking AICN readers yelling at me about how they’re supposedly not watching “Lost” this season because it was such a wiener-tease in the season finale.
Yeah, it was a wiener-tease, but it was one of the best wiener-teases ever. Hurley’s hilariously disoriented reaction to Arzt’s bitching alone was worth the tune-in. And then … other stuff happened …
Anyway, you’re all big giant liars. Who’s not going to tune in to see what’s in that fucking hatch? I’m not strong enough and you’re not either, no matter how strenuously you posture.
Today, at least, we are all the bitches of the newly-minted Emmy-winner. Many thousands sat in the Oahu rain to watch the second-season premiere last Wednesday, and I think everybody there wrote in about it. 2.1 sounds way too good.
What follows is a giant set of spoilers for tonight’s episode, so toxic they had to be cloaked with double-secret invisotext. Do yourself a favor and don’t fucking read them. Don’t be a little bitch like me. Be a man and wait till tonight.
Here’s “JV,” who risked pneumonia to bring to you the most detailed summary of 2.1 posted to this site so far:
… The episode begins (after a recap) with a glowing green cursor (early
80's
green monochrome) with an odd K-shape, and of course we are immediately
reminded of The Matrix. We hear some typing on what sounds to be an
equally
ancient keyboard (sort of like the old IBM PC or Apple 2). Then some
music
starts to play, it's the chorus to Cass Eliot's (Mama of the Mamas &
Papas)
Make your own Kind of Music. Lyrics are here for those who want to
assign
meaning: http://www.casselliot.com/lyrics.htm. It's very retro, very
70's,
very out of place. Take a listen at Amazon and youll see.
… We see someone with blond long hair, fairly muscular, going through a
morning routine that includes lots of excercise? Is it Sawyer? Nope it
isn't, but we don't see a face. He’s surprised by a shaking explosion.
… Then we see him inject a drug intravenously, a liquid that is glowing
ominously. Then things seem to go in fast forward and the theme changes
away
from excerise to something more sinister, we hear creaking chains and
gears
similar to the black smoke monster, he gets a gunand then the camera
moves
upward and we see a shaft, it leads up, and of course ends at hatch
entrance
with Jack & Locke peering down like owls.
… It's dark at night, and with torches, Locke, Jack, and Kate are looking
down
into the hatch, with Hurley standing back. The entire rest of the
episode
other than flashbacks will be dark because it all happens at night.
… Jack sees the broken ladder and announces their plan to hide everyone
won't
work. Locke & Kate ignore him and examine the bottom, dropping a rock,
and
hearing a splash, causing them to conclude there's a shallow water
puddle
about 40 feet down, Locke: 50 feet tops. Locke thinks they can rig a
harness
using cable from the fuselage, but Jack want to go back to the cave,
and so
does Hurley.
… Locke says 'we went through a lot to get here', but Jack is seriously
skeptical and impatient and announces that we are done and everyone's
heading back to the cave. He's almost itching for an argument with
Locke,
who thinks for a while, then surprisingly concedes defeat, but keeps
bugging
him and says: Why don't you want to go down there, Jack?
… Flash back to Jack's past. He has lots of hair and looks like a young
Tom
Cruise. He's in the ER, two patients from a car accident come in. One a
woman, another a man. Jack tends to the woman, and is in cool control,
as we
hear the other patient dying, as Jack clearly hears but continues
working.
There's a long back story where this of course is his fiancée/wife to
be,
“Sarah” (Julie Bowen from last season). But the first thing he hears is
the
woman whisper tragically that she has to dance at her wedding, so she's
already engaged to someone else at this point.
… Back at camp in the caves, Charlie and the survivors are arguing about
the
french woman and his skepticism of her claim that the Others are coming
to
kill them all. Shannon comes in stressed, and is looking for the dog,
the
only thing really entrusted to her: i lost the damn dog.
… Meanwhile the hatch crew are about to walk back, and Hurley is arguing
with
Locke! Whoa he’s really mad! Hurley's really mad at Locke for lighting
the
fuse as Hurley was running toward the hatching shouting don't do it.
Locke
doesn't give a damn, and almost amused, and carelessly dismissive.
Locke
claims he was just excited, everyone was excited right? Excited to get
inside!
… Jack corrects him: to get inside, to save everyone's life, or maybe it
was
just our destiny, right Locke? Tension. Kate also discovers the hatch
door,
which had blown off into the jungle. She calls everyone to look,
because it
says QUARANTINE on the inside!
… Back at the caves, Shannon is increasingly stressed about the dog and
explains to Sayid: watching the dog was the only thing anyone asked me
to
do! Sayid protests that she's too exhausted, but she is determined to
go
searching for Vincent out in the jungle in the middle of the night.
There’s
Vincent! Then dog runs off. She gets separated, falls, then hears
whispering, and the camera angle is from above her, as if something is
watching her. She gets up and sees... Walt (could be Michael, screen
was
dark) standing distressed in front of her, ghost like with arms down
and
palms out, much like Locke's old vision of bloody Boone. He looks
totally
solid.
… Sayid soon finds her, and the vision is gone, and she is very spooked.
Walking back to camp, Kate & Locke are now discussing the hatch, and he
tries to convince her that weird stuff is going on in the island,
because
everyone saw the black smoke. Locke says Jack saw it too, so how does
he
explain that? You can tell Kate is sympathetic.
… Meanwhile, Jack and Hurley are talking at length. These two talking so
deeply is unusual too. Hurley says Jack should be more chipper, then
Jack
confronts him on why Hurley ran in toward the dynamite saying the
numbers
are bad the numbers are bad! Hurley is reluctant, thinking Jack will
think
hes crazy, then begins with: well I was in this psych ward, and there
was
this guy repeating these numbers.
… He continues to relate his story about the lottery win and how his life
had
become cursed, and that the numbers and therefore the hatch are cursed.
Jack
is unimpressed, and Hurley is angry Jack doesn't believe him and tells
Jack
his sympathy sucks.
… Back to more flashback on the Jack's history with the patient, and how
he
tells her her back is hopelessly fractured, and that her chances for
walking
are pretty close to zero. His father soon talks to him and tells him
that
even in hopeless cases, he should give his patients hope, some hope.
Jack
says he's a realist, and that to give hope would be false hope. His dad
says
that's fine, because it's still hope.
… Back at the camp, Shannon is still spooked about the whispering and her
vision, and concludes that something happened to the boat party, and
Sayid
thinks she's just exhausted, and that the boat is fine. The hatch party
returns to the caves. Everyone crowds in to listen.
… Jack relates to the survivors that don't already know that there is in
fact
a hatch in the jungle, and they had just returned to open it to hide
everyone inside, and that the plan is now axed, and that Arzt didn't
make
it, and the survivor mob gets frenzied, asking about the Others.
Confusion.
… Jack shouts, leader style, and tells everyone that everythings going to
be
okay. They have four guns, they'll stay together, post lookouts, and
wait
for sunrise in three hours. He promises they'll be ok.
Jack then spots Locke getting cable to go back to the hatch. Jack tells
him
that's not smart. But Locke says that Jack is probably right, its
probably
safer to wait, wait for morning, wait for the raft people to get help,
wait
wait wait, etc, but that hes just tired of waiting. Hes going to do
things
himself.
… Jack & Kate start joking about the glass half full thing, (he tries a
joke:
there’s a glass?) then she announces what shes really trying to say:
shes
going to the hatch, and says she understands Jack has to stay. Kate
says
shes going to go help Locke in case Locke falls or gets in trouble.
Jack
says right.
… Back to flashback. Jack meets with the patients fiance, and tells him
how
bad it is. The fiance is really unhappy that she might not be able to
go the
bathroom herself, make love with him, and so forth. It's clear to Jack
that
the fiance will bail. Jack later meets with the patient, and they have
a
chat, and she lets him off the hook, he doesn’t mention the fiancé.
… Back at the hatch Kate catches up with Locke, she's surprised he isn't
down
there already. He proposes that he lower Kate on a cable. She's iffy,
but he
says she's lighter in weight. He lowers her down, his hands slip and
she
falls and drops her flashlight, but his now bloodied hands manage to
catch
the cable and arrest her fall.
… She's all right, and before she decides what to do, Locke lowers her
again,
and she shrugs her shoulders and says nothing as she goes deeper.
Looking
down, she can see the flashlight at the bottom of the shaft, and
there's
clearly a cave or passageway. It is horror movie spooky, and you expect
someone to pick up the flashlight. Right on cue there is a bright light
from
the cave leading to the shaft, and as Kate screams, Locke wonders what
to
do. Locke sees a blindingly bright light shoot out from the shaft and
the
cable is suddenly pulled hard, and his bloody hands can't stop it. The
chain
goes slack, and the light shuts off with a slam. He pulls up the cable
which
is empty, and there is no reply from the now dark shaft.
… This might be out of order, but there is more flashback. Jack is
running up
and down to all the steps of a huge stadium. He see someone else doing
the
same thing one section over, and he is driven to compete, and runs
harder,
as if punishing himself. Then Jack stumbles and falls. The other man
runs
over and they chat and decide it is a sprain. The other man has an
accent,
and says he was almost a doctor, his name is Desmond. Desmond is
training
for an event but he gets out of Jack that Jack seems to be punishing
himself
for something. Its weird he seems to see inside Jack's head and teases
him
that Jack seemed to be trying to compete with him, and on and on they
have a
double conversation about Jack and his promise he can't keep to his
patient,
or is it the story about his sprained ankle. Desmond says miracles can
happen. Hes almost talking like an evangelist. The other man offers
him
some water, and after more chatting, he leaves, saying very clearly,
see you
in the next life brother or something like that. Jack is bemused and
watches
him run off.
… After he returns to the hospital, he is still sweaty and Sarah mentions
that
he stinks as a joke. He says he was doing the stadium steps running
thing
and explains it when she doesn’t know the term for it. He starts to
cry and
says that he failed her and that the operation was a failure. He
couldn’t
fix her and that shell never walk again, shes paralyzed.
… She says, youre yanking my chain right doctor? Jack thinks that this
is
even more tragic, and is about to confirm that, indeed he is not joking
and
she will never walk again. But at that moment she says that Jack must
be
joking because she can wiggle her toes, watch! Jack watches in growing
disbelief as she can wiggle her toes, and he cries even more as he
gives
more doctor-like tests: can you feel this? he press on her leg again,
can
you feel this? this? It’s a miracle.
… Back at camp, Hurley is surprised that Jack has changed his mind and
has
decided to go back to the hatch. Jack finds the hatch area dark and
deserted, and he climbs down the cable. He seems a gloomy passageway
with
old containers of cement, a mysterious painting painted on the wall,
and
various lighted switches and pipes. He enters into a large domed
geodesic
like room with some ancient computers, its so silent and so weird! And
suddenly that Cass Eliot song from the beginning begins to play, really
loud. It's totally loud, totally out of place, and he's totally scared
as he
tries to stay calm. He sees the green computer cursor and is about to
touch
it, when you hear , I wouldn't do that. It's Locke. Locke has a gun to
his
head around a corner, and another voice says drop your gun or he dies.
Jack
doesn't seem to give a damn as he has been angry and suspicious of
Locke all
episode. The other guy comes into view and fires a shot into the
ceiling to
say he's serious, but Jack doesn't budge. He doesn’t trust Locke and is
willing to take the chance that Locke will get shot. Eventually we see
them
pointing guns at each other with the other guy holding Locke hostage.
His
face comes into view, and Jack's jaw drops. YOU!
… Its the guy from the stadium.
…
L O S T
Eeeee-wah eeeee-wah eeeee-wah …
9 p.m. Wednesday. ABC.
for just $129.99!! That’s like all 144 hours for – what? – 90 cents per hour!! A better Christmukkah gift is unimaginable!!!
