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German Fantasy FilmFest: Reviews of THE DESCENT & THE BIG WHITE!!!
Hey folks, Harry here... and look... Robin Williams is in another small quality genre film. With FINAL CUT & ONE HOUR PHOTO - Robin has been taking very good parts in very small films - and doing a great job with them. Looks like he's made another great one. Actually both of these movies have great reputations and sterling word of mouth. LIONS GATE picked up THE DESCENT and I haven't yet heard a release date on that one... Meanwhile THE BIG WHITE doesn't even have a U.S. distributor yet. This is a shame, sounds fantastic!
Hi Harry and AICN staff.
Here are my last two reviews from the German FantasyFilmfest in Frankfurt and i'm not sure if you're interested or if you're going to use it because you had already some reviews of The Descent. But i'll send it to you anyway and i'll make it short this time.
"The Big White"
Directed by Mark Mylod this film sets in a small village in Alaska where the financially troubled travel agent Paul (played by Robin Williams) tries to get a big insurance policy for his missing brother but it's being refused 'cause either the brother should be missed for at least seven years to be signified as dead or the dead body should be presented as a proof. 1 Million Dollars could be his big chance to leave Alaska with his wife (played by Holly Hunter) and to begin a new life in a more warm and sunny place. This chance comes when he founds a frozen dead body in a garbage container. His idea is to show this body as the corpse of his own brother and cash the 1 Mill. $. He prepares this body and let it falls down a cliff. Everything looks very cheap but the reported police comes to the result that he must be killed by a wolf.
The insurance agent played by Giovanni Ribisi is very suspicious about all that and starts to investigate and suspects that the body is not Paul's brother. All the disputes between him and Paul ends in a funny argument in the insurance company but the insurance agent can't really proof anything. Now the insurance company is not the only one who is interested in Paul and the corpse. First there are the two guys (one is played by Tim Blake Nelson and the other big guy i don't know) who hid the body in the garbage container and want the body back.They find a little piece of meat of the body in Paul's old ice box and they take Paul's wife as a hostage until they get the body back. Paul lies to them that he gets 100.000 $ from the insurance company and the two hostage-takers want the half. The only thing what Paul has to do is to get the money and take back the buried body from the graveyard after receiving the insurance money. In that whole time his wife has to spend the time with the two stupid hostage-takers and she drives them crazy. Paul's wife suffers from the Tourette syndrome and Holly Hunter gives a hilariously and quirky performance in cursing them and repeating all kind of funny expressions in a very fast way and you can't help but laugh all the time. Here the Tourette-Syndrome is not really presented as a hard sickness but as a character element of Holly Hunter (combined with her distinctive voice!) to make her very likable. All the time when i saw her on the screen i just wanted to hug her 'cause she was so cute. She's reason enough to watch this one. After reading the newspaper that he's killed by a wolf Paul's REAL brother (played by Woody Harrelson) appears in a fucking mad mood and wants half of the money. This time Paul lies that he gets (only) 50.000$. Now the whole film is about Ribisi who tries to proof that Paul is a fraud (and tries to save his relationship with his girlfriend), Woody Harrelson who's enraged about Robin William's action and the two hostage-takers who wait for the dead corpse and are peeved about Holly Hunter and her very funny Tourette syndrome swearings. In all that between is Robin Williams who has to hurry to get the money and solve all the problems.
Robin Williams is again in his element and i'm really surprised what kind of roles he took in the past years. And i associate all the latest films with the color white. Don't ask me why but movies like Insomnia, One Hour Photo and The Big White have many settings where you see much of white. White walls, white rooms or white snow and so on. This film begins with a wide white landscape (with Holly Hunter in her pyjamas running in the snow) as Robin Williams wants to gives us a wink "Hey guys i made a film with my favourite color white again". Yeah i know it's just a coincidence and my brain is driving me crazy. I really don't know if this film is going to be succesful in the box office but i really hope so. It has few beautiful shots of the white landscape and the film reminded me a little bit on Fargo but this one had more funny and comical moments. It's a comedy with it's own fingerprint by Mark Mylod and i'm sure i'm gonna buy the DVD. I just hope this film doesn't go under like other small movies (The Machinist last year or The Simple Plan from the 90s which i recall right now). I really recommend this one and i'm sure you'll have a good time with strong performances by Holly Hunter (MUST SEE...i'd say oscar worthy) Robin Williams and Woody Harrelson. Giovanni Ribisi and Tim Blake Nelson are perfectly casted. Ribisi and Williams are great together especially in the insurance office where they both try to proof to the director that they're right and start teasing eachother. Just great.
"The Descent"
Before i write about The Descent let me tell you how i thought about Dog Soldiers, the early film by the same director Neil Marshall. It was a boring piece of sh*t which was perhaps only good for TV or direct-to-video but definitely a no-no for the theater.
I yawned so much in that film that i only wished this would end as soon as possible. It was so predictable and had so many stupid and dumb moments...just awful. And the way it was shot and the music...just everything was so bold simple and strikingly stupid that i thought what the hell did the director thought to make such a movie??? And moments like this one: This soldier walks in the forest and suddenly the werewolf appears and his goddamn machine gun doesn't work??? Hello? Am i stupid or what? So the whole movie ran that way and i thought how lazy you must be to write such a boring film. The whole fucking movie was full of lazy movie cliches. And a low-budget is not an excuse for all that. It had nothing which was fun or really gory or humour or frightening or somewhere you'd just cringe (ok ok, i cringed when this guy had the sword between his teeth) and whatever. (and please don't compare this shit to AnAmericanWerewolfInLondon) So as you can imagine i had a low low low expectation on The Descent and wasn't really hyped from all the early reviews from aicn because i thought that those guys must have loved DogSoldiers so all of them didn't mean anything to me.
Now when "The Descent" started i was worried in the first 10 or 20 minutes because with DogSoldiers on my mind i became horribly pedantic.
There is this woman who has this bad accident and i won't tell you what exactly happens but when it happens it was so fast and so early in the film that i was a little bit surprised. But hell, not really something which you haven't seen in other movies but with stronger impact. The first thing i noticed was that this film is shot like a real film for the cinema. Here you can see that the director made a big progress (or took a better DP or both) and the music feels like a real score and not this cheap shit you heard in DogSoldiers. One year later after the accident this woman and all her friends go cave diving in Achnapelle mountains. Hmmm wait a minute it was not Achnapelle. Apanachel...no Chappanapel...DaveChappelle...you know this well known forest/mountain area in the US which sounds like a name by the Native Americans. Apanache? Apanachel? Chanel? Jeeezzzz whatever, you guys in America definitely know what i'm talking about. So the group consists of 6 or 7 women and the leader of them is this Asian woman who has more experience then the others and is the errr strongest one to express it simple. This woman who had this accident has still nightmares and imagine things from the past and the audience gets a taste of it through a few shock moments which works actually pretty well and this was the first time when my brain told me: hmmmm perhaps this is going to be fun and not like this big poo which is called DogSoldiers. Now the group finds this big and deeeeeeeeep hole and starts to cave diving or whatever you call it. And they find all these little ramified and very very narrow holes they all crawl through and at this moment i thought: WHAT THE FUCK. THESE WOMEN DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE EVER DONE THIS BEFORE and they spend their fucking free time to crawl through this superblack darkness and think that this is fun? And this woman who had this accident a year ago and has nichtmares and imagines this voices of "i'm not gonna spoil" do this shit in the dark??? Very believable but hell, it's a Horror movie right?
SPOILER
And then all this shit happens around them when a few areas collapses and they got stucked. And then they find out that their leader/guide doesn't fucking know where they are. She wanted to discover this unexplored! cave system.
SPOILER END
Yeah fucking rrrrrright. Again one of this stupid tricks or excuses by the director/writer to let the participants fall into this bad fucking situation. SIGH
But then this film starts to fire the engine and MUTATES INTO AN INTENSE HORROR MOVIE. When they meet the first creatures all hell breaks out and they have to survive and escape this goddamn cave system. At this moment my brain just stopped to annoy me with all this shitty "omg Descent is going to be the same shit as DogSoldiers" because my senses were too engaged not to let me scare or cringe but they failed me many times and that's the good thing about this movie. While DogSoldiers was a boring crap this one is quite entertaining and has many "holy shit" moments and all the guys in England who have already seen it certainly know what i'm talking about. When you have seen many Horror films you just know from the feeling when the next shock moment will strike and often you can expect them here too but they're still so intense that i cringed a few times.(So be prepared when the music stops ok?)
There are moments where you're emmersed in an intense fight scene and it ends with something nobody in the theater expected.
POTENTIAL SPOILER
This happens with the Asian lady who fights against one of these creatures, turns around and...holy mother. I reacted with a loud "ooooooooh" at this moment.
POTENTIAL SPOILER END
The movie is full of it and you see every brutal moments in gory detail when the women and the creatures fights and tortures each other. And i even wished them to survive although i wanted them all die in the beginning of the film where they were in the house talking and chatting (yeah my thoughts were: I hope everyone of them are killed at the end of the film). And it has a beautiful and a little disturbing ending and the people in the theater just loved it. As i already said this movie is shot more professionally then DogSoldiers and there is this thing i noticed very often through the film how the shots are edited. (and it's different than in DogPoo errr Soldiers) There is a row of images which are all in a certain closer shots. And i don't remember having seen this kind of shot/editing technique so consequently where you have many many closer shots of the people in a certain movement and perspective. I can't explain it 'cause you have to see it by yourself but pay attention in the part where they are outside with their backpacks and walk to the cave.
It's absolutely intended where the senses of sensitive guys like me are in an alert mode which is a great way to prepare the audience for this kind of Horror film. And the music was fine too and supported the moments very well and the creatures were more frightening then these crappy werewolves in DogSoldiers (though i have to admit there was some oddness and strangeness about them) and although you see them many times you just don't get used to it completely. Nice makeup design. K, i'm sure you're fed up with my complainings about DogSoldiers but prepare for The Descent which is a very good and very bloody Horror flick.
If i had to rate this one i'd give it a B (with a BIG BIG) +
Your CurryIce
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+ Expand All
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For craps sake.
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Almost makes me miss the raptastic Star Wars stylings of Barry Egan....
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...take anyone seriously who didn't enjoy Dog Soldiers.
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Was a kick ass horror film. Miles better than Dog Soldiers. The poor UK box office due to the fact that the london bombings happened on opening week couple with the fact the the film was advertised on the side of the bus that blew up (photos of the destroyed bus actually showed the tagline of the film - 'SHEER TERROR' is very unfortunate. Go see it! Miles better than THE CAVE promises to be.
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Lovely pretension of "The".I hate this film.Now,the above reviewer is bang-on until he essentially says 'then monsters appear and its great'.Oh,boy.Talk about lazy fucking story and plot.Right,lets begin...***SLIGHT SPOILERS(DO NOT READ IF YOU DON@T WANT RUINED)*** the film starts,theses girls are EXTREME in their love of EXTREM sports ..YEAH!!!cue,shot of bad actress' fella and kid(unless they just kidnapped one)waving to her..(bet they aint gonna die,eh?...next,family driving along road..girl looks to guy,says 'whats wrong?' he gives her the filthiest look and turns the car into oncoming truck...BWHAHAHA..laugh in utter disbelief.Is this a comedy...Yup.But unintentional.Presumably the actor had read the script or generally couldn't stand the acting of his wife or her mates.It was EXTREME...anyway,as the reviewer above states perfectly..the go potholing and blatantly havent done so before..they get stuck,with no map and no tampons...the arguments begin..then they find remnants of other potholers THAT NEVER RETURNED!!God,this is extreme...n.b.The soundtrack is very reminisent of another soundtrack(surprise,sur-fucking-pris.Can't recall it right now)...they gradually wander about getting stressed,going knowhere and then..yup,gollum(who has had a slight facelift via-Remus)and his gollum pals start picking off the chicks one by one.They girls are now running..er,shouldnt they be crawling...about literally bleeding everywhere.Well..no tampies,told ya..They argue more,and anyone who has been out on a friday night and seen girls arguing knows it's fun for a minute then you think 'stupid cows',that's how you'll feel here.Except drunk tarts obviously have a better script....nameless and faceless extreme sports girls get taken down to be nibbled on by Gollum...then there a traitor in their midst..er,what?Yup,one girl tries to flee herself and blame the deaths on the others blah,blah..I'm with her.They discover a way out and head toward possible Ascent.There's only two left now..blah,blah..One hides from a Gollum and it crawls over here ..ITS BLIND!...It can't see her as it has sonar like a bat or something so if you dont move..blah,blah...oh,cue Predator moment..I think,I think..the girl speaks to herself in exposition about this(may be wrong)...the two girls meet and fight..the traitor is wounded and left to her fate,while the 'last girl'(thanks Laura Mulvey) is the wife who has ..cue drumrole....recovered from her grief,just as her friends had planned but AT.WHAT.COST?She has become one of the Gollums,an all fighting valkyrie,a battle scarred veteran,a Ripley for our times.Except..without the acting,looks,story,film..and on,and on...cue Bryan Adams song with wailing guitars as she crawls towards the light(I'm not kidding)...actually,I am kidding....but as she crawls towards the light over a mountain of the bones of dead extreme sports idiots,she slips or trips on a bone and falls back down banging her head.But this chick won't be beaten.She's FUCKING EXTREME!!She has a go again,struggling as she goes,moaning like a bitch,desperation mixed with orgasmic pleasure.SHE MAKES IT.She's out!!..and the twist is that a row of guys in suits await her and as she looks in disbelief they hold up cards with 9.9 written on each.She's a gold medalist.They celebrate.Corks off champagne.Last shot..a paused pic of her with gold medal,arm punching the air....Actually no,I made that last bit up.But it's better than what actually happens.A full 10 EXTREME marks for who can guess what happens as she crawls out into the wild daylight?..END OF SPOILERS**END OF SPOILER***................By the way,in Total Film this month the Director of this lukewarm messs(who,notably,has been a contributor to this mag for months untill the film came out(??Hmmmmmm...))returned to give another little bit of his diary/whatever and failed to notice the hypocricy in pointing out how weird it was to see a London bus with his fil advertised on the side "graced" with a quote from ..er..Total Film..saying "Outright Terror!"...I guess I'm a cynic.Anyway,I don't necessarily hate this film,its one of them that you rent that youve heard about and go home,watch it with mates and a beer and all of you start heckling the film as its it SOOOOooo shit.Total Film is usually a cool mag,I guess they couldn't really give it a bad review.But an awful lot of positve reviews are out for this.Its us Brits desperately trying to compete with a film that doesn't feature costumes or 18th Century setting.Fair enough.It's still not the saviour of modern horror.Go see it if you want but a modern monster classic?No FUCKING way but as a film it's a genuine example of an EXTREME waste of time.It was certainly a horrible waste of my time...You want horror,sit next to any female shopper with 10 Safeway bags on a sunny day on the Saturday no.91 bus from Holloway Road.Jesus...That is EXTREME!Whoa!
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Chill out man.
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I saw The Descent and loved every minute of it - 8/10. I got bored of your talkback in about 30 seconds and gave up reading it - 1/10.
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put up a photo on online so if I ever see you on it I can kick your bloody teeth out!
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..You're SOO the type I knew would like this.Kick my teeth out?Jesus,get a life.You definately don't belong in Crouch End.Piss off to Finsbury Park and kick someones teeth in there.Jesus,kick my teeth out?For what?Not liking this film?I've met plenty of loonies on that bus but never seen too much trouble.Ususally nice,but packed.You have in very few words given fuel to the people who think violence in film twists people.The last thing you need,kid is to see any more films like this.Absolutely appalling attitude.If anyone like this film..great..good.If I'ma sole voice amongst a crescendo of great talkback..so be it.Christ,at least I have an opinion.This IS a talkback!I come on here to voice and believ it or not..listen.Pooter,perhaps you should fuck off to one of the gay bashing or racist talkbacks that are becoming increasingly prevalent on this site.You'll kick my teeth out?You're the kind of person that displays everything wrong with this country.
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Aug 17, 2005 8:56:28 AM CDT
I suppose at least I got 1/10 !! More orgasms than whore had tha
by the true priapic
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Aug 17, 2005 9:07:51 AM CDT
reading the descent review was like reading curious incident of
by devilsfoxes
but the descent really is genius, the most scary shit i'v seen in a long time. hope you guys get it released soon and uncut.
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I knew coming on a talkback with 'german' in the title was going to spell trouble.Two girlfriends down and I still don't learn.....Seriously,didn't you find that the husbands actions were funny?And the acting woeful?The story hackneyed?Am I on crazy pills?I suppose ultimately having different opinions are what puts the spice into talkbacks but ...I just don't get it.Somebody give me an impassioned review pointing out why I should like it!A counterpoint to mine.Some meat.And two veg.I found the film laughable.But I'm 35.Is this why?Perhaps going through the eighties and the video nasty stuff,endlessly looking for more and more gory films has just meant that I have the attitude of seen it all before.I don't know...Curious Incident of the Dog in the nbight time....read it,it was okay.Not half as funny as the reviewers make out.Hardly a classic but good enough to recommend to other tube travellers.
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Aug 17, 2005 9:50:56 AM CDT
Oh,and Pooter after what happened a couple weeks back on the 43
by the true priapic
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Someone critizised Dog Soldiers the same way a few years ago on another board. Maybe I check this, but...I don't care who he is (It's not personal). I LOVE DOG SOLDIERS!!!
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Stop laying into Dog Soldiers, you ignorant twat. The Descent's ok, not quite as good as the hype made out. Anyone who takes Dog Soldiers seriously, like the German person above, is a fucking idiot. And for fuck's sake, stop describing everything that happens in a film, and calling it a review.
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1. I never said I lived in crouch end. I just take the bus there. 2. I'm not racist, homophobic or violent. 3. your response was excalty what I wanted. You're 'so the 'type'. Chill the fuck out, kid.
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for me the scary stuff was the crawling under rocks and small spaces.the gollum dudes reminded me of rubber johnny.the whole blood soaked girl looking really pissed off is kinda lame,but ah well.it was kind of scary.i garuntee it'll be 10 times better than gay-hostel.
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now to abuse my power here goes my awesome batman begins review. let 300 years of terror begin!!!! Check out the PUBLISHED REVIEW AT: http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=20410 Hey Harry Long time reader first time reviewer. Yesterday on June 7th I got the best birthday news I could have ever asked for. At about 1pm I get a call from my buddy who does promotions for a popular urban chic Brooklyn magazine. He told me he had a surprise for me. All he told me was to show up at our local AMC River east multiplex in Chicago. When I get there he hands me a blue Warner Bros. ticket. On the other side it said ADMIT 2 for BATMAN BEGINS SCREENING!!!!!! I was so overwhelmed with joy I almost shed a tear-honestly. Warners
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"Do you know, I really wasnt sure that would work" Sorry everyone.
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Aug 17, 2005 1:19:34 PM CDT
Backpeddling,Pooter?Guess the reminder of the 73 murder woke you
by the true priapic
Anyone got anything in the way of a decent reason why I should watch this film again.Presumably I'm of a minority.And to be honest I doubt it is better than Dog Soldiers.On repeat viewing it was sort of okay in a very,very awful way.The bit with the dog and the intenstines is still Young Ones-esque and totally silly.Couple of half decent actors in it though.DOCMCOY..I agree about Hostel.I have a horrible feeling its going to be some young american dudes on the hunt for euro-pussy (sort of American Werewolf..)who get MORE THAN THEY BARGAINED FOR.I've seen enough of this crfap.I love how the writers,when asked,always say its an 'homage' to films like Werewolf and refuse to just admit its just a hack job.Then again,what am I expecting.I suppose at least the German reviewer above gave this an attempt at a review.I've yet to read anything to promote Hostel in the way of ....anything....other than masturbatory 'you gotta see this but I dont want to ruin it' shit.Put a spoiler on it.....Jeez.
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Aug 17, 2005 1:23:40 PM CDT
Bubastis...don't,dude.Ipolo is a fucking ass..never copy an
by the true priapic
And Batman Begins was great until he put Tom Wilkinson on the light to make a signal.Then it became just another stoopid superhero film with a stoopid machine for the baddie to use.Rubbish.If the Joker ends up using a fucking machine to poisen all of Gotham....oh,I give up..I think I just answered the 'what's the sequal gonna be about' question.
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now to abuse my power here goes my awesome batman begins review. let 300 years of terror begin!!!! Check out the PUBLISHED REVIEW AT: http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=20410 Hey Harry Long time reader first time reviewer. Yesterday on June 7th I got the best birthday news I could have ever asked for. At about 1pm I get a call from my buddy who does promotions for a popular urban chic Brooklyn magazine. He told me he had a surprise for me. All he told me was to show up at our local AMC River east multiplex in Chicago. When I get there he hands me a blue Warner Bros. ticket. On the other side it said ADMIT 2 for BATMAN BEGINS SCREENING!!!!!! I was so overwhelmed with joy I almost shed a tear-honestly. Warners
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Aug 17, 2005 1:48:45 PM CDT
I mean, anyone with an explanation for this, let me know. Anyone
by bubastis
now to abuse my power here goes my awesome batman begins review. let 300 years of terror begin!!!! Check out the PUBLISHED REVIEW AT: http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=20410 Hey Harry Long time reader first time reviewer. Yesterday on June 7th I got the best birthday news I could have ever asked for. At about 1pm I get a call from my buddy who does promotions for a popular urban chic Brooklyn magazine. He told me he had a surprise for me. All he told me was to show up at our local AMC River east multiplex in Chicago. When I get there he hands me a blue Warner Bros. ticket. On the other side it said ADMIT 2 for BATMAN BEGINS SCREENING!!!!!! I was so overwhelmed with joy I almost shed a tear-honestly. Warners
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If you hate The Descent and thought Batman was stupid I hate to think what you do like. Pray do tell? and pooters comment made me laugh out loud. It was a obvious joke and his attempt to rile you seems to have worked a treat. More to the point, what are you doing in here fighting with kids at the age of 35? instead of trying to be all righteous, you should be using that bus to get a life.
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...I didn't like The Decent and you just fucked the talkback.Good for THAT film then........
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now to abuse my power here goes my awesome batman begins review. let 300 years of terror begin!!!! Check out the PUBLISHED REVIEW AT: http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=20410 Hey Harry Long time reader first time reviewer. Yesterday on June 7th I got the best birthday news I could have ever asked for. At about 1pm I get a call from my buddy who does promotions for a popular urban chic Brooklyn magazine. He told me he had a surprise for me. All he told me was to show up at our local AMC River east multiplex in Chicago. When I get there he hands me a blue Warner Bros. ticket. On the other side it said ADMIT 2 for BATMAN BEGINS SCREENING!!!!!! I was so overwhelmed with joy I almost shed a tear-honestly. Warners
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Aug 17, 2005 1:55:12 PM CDT
For the record, the descent was one of my favourite films of the
by bubastis
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..at a guess I'd say you were either Pooter or Bubastis...I didn't say Bats was stupid..it was cool until about 40 mins(?)in...then it just became like any other superhero film.Shame really...I was riled as ..if you knew...there was a lad killed on the 43 the other week for standing up for himself and his girl against some fucking trash...so throw away comments like his is a sign of bad taste.I like the fact that just because I didn't like this film its angered so many.Still yet to have anyone try to argue or point out quite why Im wrong.Guess its called having an opinion.I lied about my age,I am priapic after all.
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I personally found the stringing up of Tom on the bat signal a nice original and cool moment for Bat fans. It's a Batman movie for Christ sake and the best one yet. Fact. The Descent - I'm not going try and convince you to watch The Descent again. It's obviously not for you. But to hack on it is a bit lame. I love many horror films (and many from the 80's era, some I'm sure you also love). If you didn't recognise that this was one of the 'good' ones. that's your problem. No need to vent your anger at people who did enjoy it. There is no science to it. They enjoyed the flick, dude. get over it.
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Aug 17, 2005 2:01:36 PM CDT
I'm neither. your posts inspired me to sign up and join in t
by the fake priapic
That's bad news, man. but does that mean nobody can ever mention bus and violence in the same sentence ever again. Or should he have waited a few years. Get off your high horse. You are just trying to be clever while looking for a fight on here. You should know better.
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Aug 17, 2005 2:06:28 PM CDT
Oh...Cheers!!Heres a nod to Bubastis then...a blast from the pas
by the true priapic
Batman & Robin. The review many of you have been waiting for. As always, I won't spoil the plot, and I won't give away any secrets, but I will tell you how it felt to watch this fil... thing.
No big drama involved with getting the tickets this time, I secured them from the coolest cat (yes, I am kissing ass) in town. He scored them from someone who is in the know. The mix of things if you will. The typical secret envelope with my name on it, and a pass for Batman & Robin.
Flash forward to 5am this morning. I get an email from a Brit making me aware of the GQ article on me. I howl with laughter of the thought of me, Harry Knowles, mentioned in GENTLEMEN'S QUARTERLY. Somewhere, someone is screaming. I fall asleep excited about the oncoming coolness, or lack thereof, to come in a mere 14 hours. I sleep for 5 of those hours. I wake up, check the net, and go for drinks. The drink of choice was Dr Pepper. I show my father the GQ article, and we howl together in laughter. Me? A Gentlemen? "They don't know me too well dood they?" We pick up my sister and eat pizza. Alot of pizza. When I get home, my email box alerts me that I am now on MTV's site. Turns out they are comparing me favorably to Walter Winchell and Edward R Murrow. Two gods of mine, I'm just a kid in a back bedroom somewhere trying to let the world in on film, not battling the mafia or Nazis by unveiling their horror for what it is. Of course I am unveiling Batman & Robin. Beyond that the comparison to those giants is near blasphemy. I do appreciate the praise though, it did bring a dose of the big head for about 10 minutes or so.
Then it was time to go to the theater. The journey to the theater was uneventful. We were the first to arrive, and we staked our claim at the front of the line. I'm excited, beyond all the bad press I've given the film, there is still the eternal optimist harboring the hope that the 100 or so terrible reviews I have received were false. That Variety's charge of a BLAND Batman film was ill placed. Afterall, no film could be as bad as SPEED 2 and be shown to me within a week, right? RIGHT?
The line turned into a mob. All semblance of order was brushed aside by the chaos of the film before us. A seemingly endless crowd pushed and shoved. Yet when they let us in, the theater was only 2/3s full for a FREE SNEAK of BATMAN & ROBIN. Hell, last week SPEED 2 was packed, and that was a larger auditorium. T-shirts, posters, frisbees, keychains and CDs were hurled violently at the excited crowd. People leaping, screaming, clawing and grabbing. It is a vicious scene. I'm laughing. I'm having a blast. This is what I wanted. People excited, people that didn't know, didn't know what they were about to see.
The trailers began.
WILD AMERICA - a truly scary film, that seems to be telling the youth of America and the world to tell your parents to screw off, and take your younger siblings out into the wilderness, military testing zones, all for the sake of filming snakes, horses and a bear. Please make it go away.
GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE - a trailer that seems to have lost all momentum from that short trailer that was just images cut to the song. As my friend, Glen, groaned in agony next to me, I said, "You did hear they were going to do a DUDLEY DO-RIGHT feature?" If he had had food in his stomach, the girl in front of him would have looked like a Carmen Miranda but with slimy digested food oozing from her hair. He looks ill.
SIMPLE WISH - My God, they are getting worse. I formulate a theory that Warners is trying to brainwash the audience with terrible trailers, in order to make BATMAN & ROBIN look good. Glen howls in laughter. We're in a good mood. By the way, man this one looks reeeaaaalllll bad.
CONSPIRACY THEORY - Ahh, I hadn't seen this trailer yet! I'm all smiling, but as the trailer begins I realize that I understand why it moved from AIR FORCE ONE's playdate. The trailer starts off looking bad, and pulls it together to make for a halfway interesting film. I'll see it, but personally I think SNEAKERS will be the better film.
CONTACT - I love this trailer. The stillness of the audience. The complete focus upon the screen, the actors, the sounds. I'm there. I want to be watching that movie right this second. Everyone and everything about the project looks right based on the script. The movie will be great.
THEN THE GENERAL CINEMA'S SELF CANABALIZING SNACKS watch a SNACK BAND play, this the mystical lens floats into the sky emblazoned with a magical General Cinema symbol. Pretentious spot, long and tedious. I wanna see the BAT!!!
THE THX TRAILER - the "Mario" one, you know the jetpack guy. I love this one. Also, ahhhhhhhhhhhh, that digital THX sound. Fantastic. Well, I'm certainly going to hear this movie.
Now for the film, the feature presentation. As the opening titles begin, it is as if every description of every screening I have heard of, were true. Extreme excitement. Shouting, Cheering, Celebrating. Then JOEL SHUMACHER's name falls upon the screen, and the sounds of BOOS fill the theater. Not one came from me or my friends. This came from the theater. As if some sort of cosmic Harry-spore had been injected into them. BOOS for the director, I'm not familiar with this phenomenon. Has this happened before?
Folks, I'm going to tell you to do something hideious, something against my better judgement, but I simply have to tell you to see BATMAN & ROBIN. Why? After all my screams of agony, of pain, or mistrust of Joel Schumacher? Because no matter how bad you have heard this film is, nothing can prepare you for the sheer glorius travesty of the 200-megaton bomb of a film this is. This film is so bad, so awful, so vanity ridden with horrible over the top performances, that nothing I can say, can prepare you for it. You don't have to see it this weekend, in fact it's probably best if you didn't, but I suggest you see it during the week at some early matinee, or better yet a midnight show. Yes, this is a midnight movie. The sort of flick that cries out for vengence. Joel Schumacher should not under any possible circumstances direct another one. This film will fill you with disbelief and rage if you are a long standing BATMAN fan, if you aren't, you'll be bored. On the page before people mentioned Clockwork Orange and Max Headroom references, well there is even a BARBARELLA reference in here too. Do they cause a smile? More like a smirk. However, the most shocking cameo I saw was something I couldn't believe. Did you ever see FLESH GORDON? No, not FLESH GORDON AND THE COSMIC CHEERLEADERS, but the original film, which I kinda like? Well, the spaceship that looks like a curved dildo that sparks away from the planet? I swear to god, that that is FREEZE's ship. My friend, and battle companion Glen, recognized it instantly and we turned and in unison said, "That's Flesh Gordon's Spaceship!!!" We smiled, shook our heads and continued to watch.
Who are the survivors of this, the worst Batman film? George Clooney manages to weather the storm with minor cuts and bruises. Michael Gough seems to look like he actually is acting, despite the film around him. Everyone else is absolutely the worst they have ever been. Arnold has never been in a film this bad and inconsistant in tone. HERCULES GOES BANANAS is at least somewhat balanced in tone. His performance if you could call it that, was TERRIBLE. He was the best of the TERRIBLE performances though. UMA was so bad, so awful, my friend and I literally grabbed vainly in front off us, as if in some desperate hope to rip her violently off the screen. Get her out of the film, she is HORRENDOUS. Is it all her fault oooooooooh nooooooooooooooooo. Eliot Goldenthal (with Schumacher's insistence I'm sure) came up with the BRILLIANT idea to put sleazy saxophone music as her theme. You know, did you see THE SPECIALIST? You know the shower scene, where Stallone and Stone begin making love and out of nowhere comes hurtling at our ears the terrible waning of out of tune saxophones screaming out. Well, they used saxophones much better in that, than in this. Her theme hurt not only an already terrible performance, but contaminates the rest of film too.
Ok, enough enough harping on the film, you want here what the audience did? Without some sort of speech from me, or a sign beneath the film saying RUN HOME RUN NOW!! They did that exactly. In almost perfect 5 minute intervals beginning at the 15 minute mark of the film they began their exodus. First unrelated individuals, then couples, then families. My friend Glen pleaded, cried into my shoulder, "DAMMIT LET ME THE FUCK OUT HERE, I CAN'T HANDLE ANY MORE OF THIS!!" Oh no, it wasn't gonna be that easy for him. He doesn't even think it's a bomb in the watchable sense, but then he hadn't seen SPEED 2 the week before.
To me, this is Star Trek 5. But let me explain that. This is a much worse film for the following reasons. Shatner had the budget cut by 40% during the course of filmmaking, Schumacher had the entire sources of one of the best studios behind him. He had a good script. He had the right cast. He destroyed this film. He directed the normally fun and enjoyable actors to act as if they were pumped up on amphetimines and chased it with exotic hallucinagens. These people are lost. Only Clooney, Gough, and possibly O'Donnell (though he stunk up the room pretty bad) seem somewhat immune. Alicia, well, she's Alicia.
Kids were not excited by this film, often times SCREAMING could be heard. You know the sound a kid makes when a parent is forcing them to STAY IN THEIR SEAT. Hey what type of movie makes you wanna get out of your seat? When I was kid, watching those SUPERMAN films you couldn't pry me from my seat. In fact nothing could remove me from the theater. Even the worst of that series, doesn't begin to compare. Mr Fingernails would kick Arnold's ass any day of the week. As for female villians URSA and Catwoman would whoop IVY's rear (description of rear deleted for fear of offending those with less than adequate toned butts)!!!
This film has that, oh how do I do this? Ok, here I go. "Oh WOW that's kinda.. AWW MAN THAT SUCKS!!!" You see what I'm getting at? You almost get the thought out that something you glimpsed on screen was cool, then instantly without reason that coolness is jerked away and replaced with a hidieous wormy Uma voice. Her voice. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. This voice could scare men out of the trenches in a war. The defense department should study it. The voice would make a straight guy go gay, I heard that after the screening from an anonymous source.
Speaking of after the film, the casualty victims, the audience, stood in front of the theater with stunned looks of disbelief. You know that look on people's faces in ATOMIC CAFE? The survivors of Hiroshima? I saw that stare again. The pain. The agony. The wish to make it all go away. The masochist in me loved it. I had attended a train wreck and sat third row center. Far more effective than the one in THE FUGITIVE this is what I saw. This is honest. I love Batman, I was even wearing a BATMAN & ROBIN tie to the screening. I didn't try to convince anyone this film was going to be awful. Instead I was like WANG in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA. You know, "I've got a real positive feeling about this." I did, it's true. I had resolved myself to watching the 60's Adam West Batman series brought to life with the full cooperation of Hollywood. What I saw, can not be explained. Why do people make ugly things? Is it stupidity, is it ignorance I don't know. Maybe this film is beautiful in a Ed Wood way. Maybe Schumacher is like that kindergarten child with fingerpaints doing portraits of mommy and daddy. When you see those fingerpaints you say, ooooh Joel, that's nice, but inside you look at the indiscenable mixtures of colors forming vague shapes and wonder what the hell your kid was thinking. You put it on the fridge, and then one day it's in the closet being eaten by roaches and rats. This is that film. The one that gathers dust and fades away. Let it fade.
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I did like the Wilkinson bit..it was from then on..(not ALL of it,just the direction..that bloody machine..the train)and I'm not looking for a fight,this is a talkback where people discuss,vent,make-up,yack and all that shit.I also came on here to read others opinions on Descent and if you notice I havent flames anyone for their opinions on the film.You're right,maybe not for me.But the idea I'm in the wrong for looking for THAT...fuck,maybe AICN really is changing.I'll forgive your newness to this site..its become more vile than anything I've ever said.Try any talkback about superman or politics..Jeez,the gay bashing and racism is...words..cant.....oh,and I wasn't trying to be clever.Anyone can say what they want about buses and such...Personally,anyone who travels on the london buses(especially at fucking night)knows what hell it can be.I think I started this about how awful it was on Saturday shopping time....ah,well...this talkback has been royally fucked.Bet no-one thought I'd be the one to say 'shame'........
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Aug 17, 2005 2:38:34 PM CDT
Yeah I noticed. There are some horrible buggers here. Let's
by the fake priapic
Nothing wrong with opinions, friend. Just no need for the aggressive manner. Forget it. Let's make up and be friends. We do after all have the same surname! So what have you enjoyed this year?
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Thanks for the review, CurryIce. I've heard "The Descent" is actually a decent horror film, so I'm happy you basically liked it too. Maybe I'll see it. Regarding "The Great White," I'm also glad to see Robin Williams taking roles in smaller, quirkier films. I'm not sure if I'll go see it in the theater, but I'll definitely rent or buy it on DVD. One more thing: to those posting ultralong, monolithic word clusters on this talkback, please stop it. You're entertaining yourselves, maybe, but no one else thinks it's funny or even gives a fuck. Write something concise if you have a blurb to share, but don't bore us with meaningless verbiage. Thank you.
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I know you're German but dear God man if you're gonna review something in English at least take the decency to learn the fucking language first.
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I only hope that people dont start copy-pasting garbage onto talkbacks all the time now. It could be the new first!!!!
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Aug 17, 2005 4:38:07 PM CDT
You know the real loser in all this? The big white. The movie th
by bubastis
As i'm sure everyone else did, as this tb is as far from relevant as i've ever seen. Ah well.
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who posted fucking huge talkbacks on shit that had nothing to do with the above review, all the assholes who cut and pasted the whole thing - sometimes twice in a row - I hope you all get a fucking smack upside the scrote for generally being WANKS!!!!
Oh, and Dog Soldiers was good dumb fun, not scary but funny as fuck ("I hope I give you the runs you fuckin wimp!")and I fail to see how it was any kind of rip off of American Werewolf since the tone, story and view of the wolfs situation was totally different.
Descent was also great, plenty to make you squirm - even if it was mutant Gollums running around.
And for the record - many of the video nasties of the 80's were completely shit. Rose tint all you like but the acting, direction etc of most of those films made The Descent look like fucking Shakespeare directed by Scorcese!!! -
The Descent is in fact one of the best horror films I've seen in recent years. And I did enjoy Dog Soldiers as well. Nonetheless, this reviewer is way off on the reasons this film is so good. He loved the "oh shit" moments and totally missed out on the subtext and atmosphere. The fact of the matter is that The Descent is already one of the most intense horror films in recent memory even BEFORE the first glimpse of any sort of creature. It's so claustraphobic it made my stomach tighten from the moment they got into the cave system.
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probally hates Dog Soldiers because england beat germany 5:0 in the film ;) thing is england did beat germany 5:0 for real ....lmfao
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Aug 18, 2005 5:03:19 AM CDT
Dog Soldiers is one of the best Werewolf films ever made
by dookiescoopie
It's true. No, it's not better than An American Werewolf in London, but it is a great film. It features the best Werewolves ever filmed imo. The changing scene from An American Werewolf in London was incredible, and still hasn't been surpassed, but as regards fully changed Werewolves, Dog Soldiers' are the best.
The Descent was good, had some well timed scares, but it wasn't as enjoyable, or rewatchable, as Dog Soldiers. Also, the characters aren't half as likeable.
So there.
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If people like Descent ...great,good for them as they get their moneys worth.I didn't like it.I thought it was utter garbage.And Jarek..please enlighten me to the subtext.There was none.Absolutely none.Look up your film studies lectures(or use a google search),there is no subtext in this film.By the way,if someone has a different opinion than anyone elses on here,calling them morons or to try learning the english language first is an appalling indication of what an asshole you are.Bet the guy who told the german to learn the english language can barely read or write properly in his own language,how many languages can you speak.Fucking moron.Got to be a Brit.We excel ourselves at breeding fucktards like this.Eng-er-land,Eng-er-land!Eh?Yeah?Bet you're spotty,glasses,thin,pale and would never fucking say boo to a fly outside this talkback.I fucking hate twerps like this.
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I'd love to kick your fucking teeth out now! Give it a rest. You didn't like it, great. Why do we need to justify to you why we did?
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I also hate the type of English person you described but to be negative about our country means you haven't fully explored it. Get the fuck out of your trendy Camden flat, quit you dull job (which you should be doing while posting here). get out there and see the country you live in. It's not all doom and gloom. Plus, yes I knew about the stabbing on the bus, I even live near his girlfriends house where he was caught. What that has to do with me kicking your teeth out I have no idea. It could be on a back of a boat for all I care.
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You're a little kid.And presumably on summer holiday from 4th form.England is great apart from bottom feeders like you.You need to get out,travel,take an interest in life and the country you live in.You don't need to justify why you liked this film.I mean..this is a talkback on the film in question,what would you possible do on it apart from a)rave,b)rant or c) throw grenades hoping for someone to talk to.Go away.I do actually wish you luck,I've met plenty of people like you.Kid's with lots of pent up anger just needing to talk to someone.Let it out.Go and get help.The fact you don't see the connection between violence in print on talkbacks in relation to the sad state of morality and the lack of respect for life is genuinely upsetting.But,everyone fucks up in their teens.I guess you just have to act like a prick to realise what is ugly in society.Not allowing others to voice an opinion is a disturbing sign.Try and remeber where you are?Isn't that a form of hypocrisy?Always remeber,losing your temper in an argument or at someone else's differing views is a sign of losing said argument and weakness.Good Luck.
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Pot, kettle? If you notice, most of your posts have people telling you to chill out or stop being a prick. And everyone one is entitled to an opinion, but tell me, what's it like having one nobody is interested in?
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Aug 18, 2005 2:20:22 PM CDT
Don't read,answer or bother with them then.Very easy remedy.
by the true priapic
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Sent it in a week ago...
Much better than this one.. -
True Priapic, Chill out and stop being a prick! (see what I did there pooter?)
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now to abuse my power here goes my awesome batman begins review. let 300 years of terror begin!!!! Check out the PUBLISHED REVIEW AT: http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=20410 Hey Harry Long time reader first time reviewer. Yesterday on June 7th I got the best birthday news I could have ever asked for. At about 1pm I get a call from my buddy who does promotions for a popular urban chic Brooklyn magazine. He told me he had a surprise for me. All he told me was to show up at our local AMC River east multiplex in Chicago. When I get there he hands me a blue Warner Bros. ticket. On the other side it said ADMIT 2 for BATMAN BEGINS SCREENING!!!!!! I was so overwhelmed with joy I almost shed a tear-honestly. Warners
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I was going to make fun of this reviewer's third grade-level English, but he's probably German so I'll cut him some slack. That being said, reading these reviews gives me no indication whatsoever whether or not either of these movies is actually decent. I'll wait for more reviews.
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