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So, should you sail off to THE ISLAND this weekend'
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with a review to send you off to the multiplexes with this weekend. I was supposed to see THE ISLAND during Comic-Con, but it quickly became apparent that I could either see the movie or update my day's coverage for you folks and considering the movie was going into general release the week after the Con, I figured I'd get in line for it. We've gotten a few reviews in the last few weeks for the movie, but this one seems to sum up a fine middle ground that I've heard from friends who have seen it and those emails we've been getting, so I figured I'd send you off with this in mind. Enjoy!
Ahoy! I just got voted off “The Island” and I gotta tell you, I’ve got some soul searching to do. If Michael Bay was capable of making a film with a soul, this would be it. Note the giant IF. But first things first…
You Gotta hand it to Ewan and Scarlett and whoever the forces are that compelled Bay and his people to hire these awesome thespians for what is essentially a by the munbers actioner. If you’re like me, you believe there are movies and there are films, each with their own rules, their own brand of acting and seldom the twain shall meet (Quentin Tarantino, anyone?). Make no mistake, The Island is a MOVIE through and through…but somehow the lovely Ms. Johansson and the, let’s face it, equally lovely Mr. McGregor somehow managed to squeeze in some damn fine “film” acting in between shaky-cam car chases and the so-reminiscent-of-Bad Boys 2-I’m-not-convinced-they-weren’t-leftover-footage splosions. So come for the splosions, stay for the acting, I guess. Also of considerable note was Djimon Housoun, who brought a quiet dignity to a role that Colin Farrel wished he was playing in Minority Report, ie, the dedicated agent who’s unwittingly working for the bad guy (minus the fist pounding and scenery chewing.) Although in the world of Michael Bay, there’s no excuse for mistaking the bad guy as he’ll be the one in Armani sporting an accent and an I-just-stopped-using-that-ridiculous-face-cream-from-Catwoman scowl. (I think I just broke my hyphen button.) It’s obvious and over the top, but hey, it’s Michael Bay.
At any rate, there are a lot of cool future-gadgets throughout and the production value, as you might expect, was high. So high in fact, that at some points, I was reminded of the scene at the end of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure where Pee Wee was riding through the different soundstages on the Warners’ back lot because it seemed that every time our fugitive heroes burst through a warehouse door, they were in an entirely different music video complete with it’s own color palette. They escape the underground compound of Bryan Singer’s Logan’s Run and show up on the set of Janie’s Got a Gun (hey, that rhymed! I’m a poet and didn’t even realize). They burst through the door of an ultra modern train station, and you’re in a desert in front of a giant drive-in movie screen singing Blaze of Glory with Bon Jovi. Less jarring than McG’s Technicolor ejaculations, but still a little disjointed what with all the scenery changes. But then hey, it’s Michael Bay.
Armageddon alums Steve Buscemi and Michael Clarke Duncan both do a decent job, although, you have to wonder if Steve ever daydreams of playing a guy who doesn’t creep me the hell out. My guess is no. My guess is he doesn’t think about me often at all. There’s also your typical “hilarious” African American (read: black) featured extras, who cap off a dramatic scene with a well-timed attitude-laden joke that will inevitably, go one exactly one beat too long. Those wacky blacks, always crackin’ wise. Sure, it’s a little “least common denominator,” but hey, it’s Michael Bay.
Now on to the story. I like to wonder what life would be like without marketing teams owning our very asses. Thanks to the trailer, you already know the hook of this flick and the truth about the Island. But I like to imagine what could’ve been if we didn’t. With some slight rearranging of the scenes, this story would’ve been a wondrous thing to see played out. We could’ve experienced all the emotion our poor clones feel as they discover everything they know is a lie. As it is, though, we know everything going in, so there’s a certain ennui that sets in while you’re waiting for your heroes to finally catch on. Imagine how you would’ve felt seeing Darth Maul light up that second blade for the first time if you didn’t already see it thousand times on TV, lunchboxes and Trapper Keepers. Imagine not knowing Ahnold was a good guy in T-2 when John Connor was trapped in that hallway with two opposing cyborgs closing in. *sigh* Well, back to reality. If you have seen the trailer, you could probably make up some story beats of your own and not be far off from what you’ll see this weekend, or whenever the hell this thing opens. But truthfully, for an actiony-popcorn flick, it’s really not bad at all. Quite entertaining actually. My only complaint is that you could probably piece the movie together at home from previous Michael Bay efforts, since the shots are pretty much composed the same as always. Low angle, dolly around the actor, blown out color and unmotivated lighting. Typical Bay fare. What’s great, though, is that somewhere toward the end of the second act, when the clones are becoming acquainted with the world of 2050 (or thereabouts) there are some well earned laughs and when they eventually come face to face with the reality of who and what they are, Bay manages to back off and let the actors do their thing and you almost—ALMOST—feel something for them. Almost. These quiet moments between Ewan and Scarlett are really the only thing that sets this flick just a notch apart from Bay’s previous efforts. Aside from the promising premise, too, I suppose. But these moments are really the only times you can feel for them as characters because during the rest of the flick, particularly that bit you see at the end of the trailers with them falling off the building inside the giant letter “R”, they prove to be basically invulnerable. I’m all for suspending disbelief (I bought Nichole Kidman as a human being in “Birth”), but DAMN. I mean DAMN! These kids cannot be touched. Things wrap up satisfactorily in the end, but several car chases, narrow escapes, and false endings later, I really needed a nap.
As a nit-picky side note, this movie has a real mad-on for product placement. I counted six name brands featured prominently on the screen, but feel free to tally your own count. It’ll be a fun little game. Also of note is that in the year 2050 (or thereabouts) Apple still hasn’t come up with a better computer than their G-5. Apparently, they went into cloning and called it a day on their personal computer race.
All in all, this is a movie that makes you, or at least me, question your very soul. Every time something happens that you wish was more clever, less dumbed down, or at least slightly different than what Bay gave you last time around, I though to myself, geez…what will it take to make me happy? Am I asking too much of Mr. Bay and the movie industry in general? Michael Bay never protested to be a maker of films! He makes MOVIES. Check your brain at the door and enjoy the pretty people and bright colors (woulda used the hyphen for that one, but it’s still busted) movies. So what if there’s an unmotivated camera-move here and there? So what if any solid material will explode in a blaze of hellfire if pelted with enough bullets? So what if for the briefest instant, I swear Ewan morphed into Sean Connery and said “I’m jusht borrowing your Humvee” during the requisite shut up and drive chase scene? Look around you in the theatre…the soccer mom’s having a good time. So’s the accountant. And your local grocer. Everyone’s having the time of their lives. Maybe these are the people these movies are for. I dunno. That’s what talkbacks are here to decide. I’m here to tell you that this movie is just fine. If you wanna nit-pick it to death, there’s plenty of ammo. If you are intent on having a good time, you won’t have a problem finding one. The Island is cool, sexy, safe and a little dumb. In the hands of another director, it probably could’ve been a sci fi classic, but as it stands, it’s your standard above-average action movie summer escapism. But hey, it’s Michael Bay.
Hope this wasn’t a waste of finger-movin’. If you use this, call me Fantasticles.
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La Isla es muy bueno.
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La Isla es muy bueno!
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Mr. O'Reilly told me to be pithy.
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Jul 22, 2005 3:25:22 AM CDT
Wasn't really planning on it at first but now I find myself
by spectrebeeyatch
It looks like a real summer movie. So I'm there in line tomorrow.
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Ich glaube, dass der Film recht unterhaltsam sein k
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i don't know if this movie is going to be bad or not, i've seen rottentomatoes gave it around a 40 or 50% but right now, i just want some huge ass explosions. we really haven't had a movie this summer that is "Michael Bay Explosions". im excited.
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Cause seriously, that was a pretty good review. I don't think I'll bother going to see the film though.
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Went from being a Jedi leading a clone army.... TO BEING A CLONE HIMSELF!!! Life is funny that way.
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It does seem like they're shooting their wad by revealing "the hook" in the marketing. Why not let it be a surprise to the audience? Did they think it would be spoiled ahead of time anyway? Anyway, I'm not paying to see it on opening weekend; maybe I'll sneak in sometime in the future...
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Remember all of those positive reviews? I think they WERE, in fact, plants. Look at the critical reviews for the film. All of them are calling it complete shit. Like every other loud and stupid Bay film. Maybe Dreamworks did run a huge conspiracy. Although Scarlett and Ewan are both running away from me on these AICN banners. I'm not accusing, but you guys start to look suspicious when ads pop up and you suddenly love the film. I'm sorry. Please God forgive me.
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That was by far one of the better reviews that's ever been posted on this site. It actually gave an idea of what the film is like, without just summing up the plot like most 'reviews' submitted to the site, or going off on some weird stream-of-consciousness rambling like Harry does.
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I remember him at some award show getting all surly about having to present something to ID4, drunkenly ranting about crappy summer blockbuster movies. Then later he called Nick Cage a sellout. Now he stars in a fucking Michael Bay movie. I guess everyone gots to get paid.
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Jul 22, 2005 7:46:56 AM CDT
Hey Harry, Quint and gang----hire this reviewer. Apparently you
by johnnytremaine
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If a film is bad enough to make it onto MST3K, it should not be remade.
"We're going to America... TODAY!" -
Jul 22, 2005 8:20:55 AM CDT
Bay admitted in Entertainment Weekly that they took big product
by frankdrebin
For advertisers, I guess it makes sense: instead of paying a million bucks for a tv commercial that people will see once and forget, pay a million to have your product seen over & over on cable tv, and maybe even become a permanent part of people's dvd collection. I just worry that these placements will spoil Bay's artistic integrity.
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Jul 22, 2005 8:51:09 AM CDT
On an Off Topic note, what in fricks sake is going on in London?
by johnnytremaine
It's sounding like Al Qaeda has declared war on the UK. Time for the British special forces SAS to spring to action and hunt these fuckers down.
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Was that sarcasm? It's hard to tell on typed print. I doubt anyone, least of all Bay himself, is worried about spoiling something he doesn't have anyway.
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Mikes nice explosions. Really nice.
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Post "Eyes Wide Shut," she's been botoxed into Stepford-dom.
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I was excited to see Ewan and Scarlett in an action movie with a great scifi concept (even if it obviously is a ripoff of some 70's classics). It's however sad when you realize that the action scenes come as a relief in a movie that otherwise feels so cheesy you will laugh at most of the dialogue. The special effects are truly spectacular but the rest of the movie is laced with cliches, implausible situations, and THE most obnoxious product placement I've ever seen. A big waste of talent and money but definetely good eye-candy for all the Michael Bay fans.
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Jul 22, 2005 1:03:10 PM CDT
So, how come this "movie" gets a pass as a popcorn flick and the
by cookylamoo
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You can't like an actor then not like him when he sells out. What are you, a hypocrite?
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Go watch aliens attack the world, die after breathing our air for a couple of days and how Cruise's entire family survives unscathed.
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Can we please institute a rule that whenever someone says this we're allowed to beat the shit out of them? The words movie and film are synonyms.
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I don't think it's getting a pass. Every movie will have it's fans who will support it. I think island will be held up to about the same line as FF-a cheezy summer flick with lots of whiz bang explosions for the eyes that lets the brain check out for a while.
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Jul 22, 2005 3:06:47 PM CDT
Talk about sellouts, a big indy star like Vince Chase doing AQUA
by cookylamoo
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When you go to see a 3-D movie you are issued 3-D glasses correct? Should'nt this be the case with 'popcorn" movies as popcorn is so expensive? If these guys are gonna suggest that theyre films need popcorn or some other stimulant to be enjoyed then it's only right that you are given some with the purchase of a ticket. It's not your fault that the movie can't stand on it's own merits. This should be the new standard as so many studios don't feel the need to strive for anything above "popcorn" fare.
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his best movie since The Rock. Acting was great, Sean Bean was savage, action was entertaining even though over-the-top, Scarlett was sexy... what else do you need? WHAT ELSE??? I mean, it wasn't genius... BUT WHAT ELSE???
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He's such an artist.
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I remember watching Armageddon and the Rock, the movies seemed to jump from scene to scene which killed it for me because there never seemed to be a pause inbetween. I think if anything that's Bay's weakest skill. If he could improve upon that, he might actually be a decent action director.
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.... except Batman Begins, Episode III, Cinderella Man, Kingdom of Heaven, War of the Worlds, and Rebound, oh wait what else did I see?
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I HATE IT.
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Jul 23, 2005 1:18:33 AM CDT
Just saw THE ISLAND and I've got questions (not that the mov
by frankdrebin
How does Clone Lincoln have Real Lincoln's memories? And instinctively know how to drive a car? If Real Lincoln has a genetic disease, wouldn't Clone Lincoln have it too? Why bother with a holographic panorama of a phoney earth when you can just tell people in the underground complex that the surface world is contaminated? Holograms don't produce heat, so why the giant fan? And have a switch that can crank it up to explosive rpm's? The underground complex isn't a secret, but surely a building inspector or somebody would have noticed the 2000+ forbidden clones walking around? Why does Clone Jordan immediately accept Clone Lincoln's lunatic ravings and run away with him, especially since she's been programmed from birth to accept the lies? Why would Clone Lincoln have been programmed with a memory of drowning? Why do trains and bikes hoover, but cars still have wheels? If trains hoover, why is there a truck loaded with train wheels? Did Clone Jordan PLAN to be recaptured? If so, why did she expect to be returned to the complex, when Djimon and his crew had been trying to kill her? Why is it that the Delta, Foxtrot and Gamma clones are more curious? Why would Steve Buscemi (or anybody other than the doctors) know the whole story of what's going on? So all the workers know the truth, and are going out to bars in town to get drunk, yet nobody's spilled the beans? Why did the surrogate mother have to be killed, when they could just tell her that only the kid can go to the island, keeping the mother around in case the sponsor wants more kids? How does the sponsor explain suddenly having a new kid at home? The complex isn't sealed to the outside world, yet there aren't any flies, ants, roaches or rats? Why bother educating and providing entertainment for the clones? Why does Sean Bean say he's conquered death when the best he can do is provide a compatible liver or lung? And so on...
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Using coincidences to move a plot along is just sloppy, uncreative writing, and this movie's loaded with 'em: The police car just HAPPENS to stop in the middle of an intersection EXACTLY in front of Djimon's oncoming truck? Michael Clarke Duncan just HAPPENS to shake off the anesthetic when Clone Lincoln just HAPPENS to be outside of the operating room? And Sean Bean just HAPPENS to be standing there when the surveillance tape is played, and just HAPPENS to spot Clone Lincoln hiding in the lower corner of ONE blurry frame of the tape? Djimon just HAPPENS to have a change of heart after he's already shot up half of downtown LA? Djimon, confused over which Lincoln is which, decides to shoot one of them, instead of just bringing them both back to the complex? There just HAPPENS to be an elaborate (yet pointless) net underneath the falling building logo (a net which wasn't visible in long shots of the building)? And Clone Lincoln just HAPPENED to be implanted with tiny transmitters right before he escaped (which, by the way, must have hurt like hell to piss out of his system--they were bigger than kidney stones)? Eh, you get the idea...
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First off, I love The Rock. I love Bad Boys 2, hell, I even think Armageddon has its moments. But this was rubbish. The product placement was way too blatant, especially the Calvin Klein bit with Scarlett Johottie. The chase scenes were ripped clean out of Bad Boys 2, only they were done better in that film. And the whole thing just reeked of Michael Bay's hands on everything... it was expected in a movie like BB2 where it's just wisecracks and shit blowing up, but here we had a somewhat serious concept and it was ruined by having the same style, lighting, and shots as every other Michael Bay movie. The performances were decent but Bay's inability to do anything he hadn't already done before sunk the movie.
Ugh. -
Jul 23, 2005 5:05:58 AM CDT
Hey, I read the script for Aquaman. It was actually pretty good!
by rylrci
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WTF? That is one huge pile of troll shit right there. I'm not belittling the subject, it is important, but why did you post that frikin ESSAY on a movie talkback? G'me a break. If you're that fired up about it, there are MANY political commentary sites on the web...go use one. Keep that off topic novel out of here.
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Finally, people are starting to get that Michael Bay is the biggest turd on earth.
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Thanks man, I'm glad you bothered to write this it was a good read.
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Crap, does this mean Michael Bay will go running back to Bruckheimer?
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