Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with my thoughts on FANTASTIC FOUR.

First things first. I grew up on Marvel comics. Even though I dipped into Batman and Superman every once in a while I never really got into DC. "Make mine, Marvel!" That's me. X-Men and Spider-Man were my favorite books, the books that I had subscriptions to. I did read Fantastic Four, but it wasn't one I kept up with issue to issue. However, I always loved the characters more than just about any other Marvel characters. The friendships, the relationships, the family feuds, the teamwork... and the villains. Doom is iconic and mysterious... the little glimpse of scar tissue around his eyes... I loved the way they handled him in the mid-80s books back on down the line to the '60s.

That being said, I probably picked up more copies of What If? than I did Fantastic Four books. My biggest exposure to the FF was when they dipped into Amazing Spider-Man, so I'm no expert on the book, nor do I know every single twist and turn in the backstory of each of the Four. I may not know each book by heart, but I can tell you that this film doesn't do justice to any aspect of the original material. Even the very small bits they get right in the movie seem half-assed.

Harry was able to find something to grab on to, something to make him enjoy the film even just a little bit. I wish I could have done that. My reaction to the trailers wasn't "This is godawful," but more "Meh." I didn't feel any excitement in the previews, I didn't see the actors becoming these characters, I didn't see any visual effects that made me go, "Oh, wow!" I was hoping that the film would have more to it than what is shown in the trailers, that Fox and Marvel were saving the money shots for the big screen.

So, my immediate reaction as the credits rolled was the movie was just as mediocre/bad as I was expecting... but that's not exactly true. It was as full of ill-executed special effects, emotionless characters, bland line delivery, enough modern references, slang and music to make SHREK blush and boring villain work as I was expecting it to be, but there were no great money shots or action sequences that I was hoping they were hiding from me. Matter of fact, if you've seen the main trailers and any one of the TV spots running right now you've seen 95% of the action in the film. No shit.

The movie has no energy whatsoever until the last 15 minutes and even then we get a climax that feels like it'd be a throw away bit of first act action in any other superhero movie.

I could nitpick this movie to death, but I'll steer clear of that stuff. There are plenty of major mistakes that I don't need to delve into the small wrongs. Although I will say ask yourself why all the characters that needed to be on the bridge just happen to be there... or how The Thing gets from the Baxter building to Doom's office all the way across New York in about a minute and a half... Or just how convenient it is that Doom has those masks in his office... Gah! I better stop or this'll just turn into a list of all the little shit that pile up to make the film the massive turd it is...

Characters:

Ioan Gruffudd as Reed Richards (aka Mr. Fantastic). I don't believe Mr. Gruffudd is a bad actor and I'm sure he can do great work, but he's so dull in this movie. Mr. Fantastic has always been a brain, but he's also been extremely likable, at least in the exposure I've had of him in comics. Gruffudd has a couple moments in the film where he isn't boring (the "date" with Sue and the restraining of Ben Grimm to be specific), but overall he was just bland and lifeless. He also gets the worst of the effects for his character. The CGI on Mr. Fantastic is ass that looks like it belongs in 1990.

Jessica Alba as Sue Storm (aka Invisible GIRL). Yes, GIRL. They even have a joke about her being the Invisible GIRL in the movie. She's gorgeous, no doubt. I thought she was beautiful starting back in the IDLE HANDS days... in many ways I'd say she hasn't been hotter than when she was in that angel outfit. However, no matter how pretty she is, there is no heart to her performance at all. That might be because the script calls for her to Ms. Bitch for the majority of the film, but it really felt like Alba was doing the bare minimum to put her character onto the screen.

I think they terribly miscast Reed and Sue. They’re too young. That might sound nitpicky, but in all honesty it's a big deal. It changes the dynamic of the Fantastic Four. Instead of being the matriarch of the group, she's now the little girl. The bickering between her and her brother (Johnny Storm) now comes off as just plain childish and annoying. I never felt that she loved Reed in the film, which is also a big dynamic of the group missed in exchange for some ridiculous love triangle story line involving Doom.

Chris Evans as Johnny Storm (aka The Human Torch). Of all the effects in the movie, I think Torch was handled the best and Chris Evans goes a long way to making him just as cocky, but likable as you want him to be. However, his character is slapped with the most dating dialogue, modern references, soundtrack and surroundings. The X-Games, the '00s rock soundtrack whenever he's onscreen... I think in another director's hands, with another script to work off of, Evans would have been a great Human Torch. As it stands he barely survives as being "pretty good."

Michael Chiklis as Ben Grimm (aka The Thing). Chiklis is the only one of the 4 that makes it through the film untainted. His Ben Grimm is perfect... tough, a bit of a smart-ass and loyal. His performance as The Thing (aka when he’s in orange costume) is equally great and the script is kindest to him in most respects. As great as he was in this film, I can only imagine how iconic he could have been if the film had actually been treated with a tiny bit of respect by the studio or the filmmakers.

Julian McMahon as Victor Von Doom (aka Dr. Doom). You know, reading interviews with McMahon I do get the feeling that he loves the character of Doom and I’m sure his heart was in the right place, but he's dreadful in the movie. I don't know how much of it to pin on his acting, though, since most of the reasons why Doom doesn't work is in the execution of a bad script idea. Instead of keeping with the dictator of Latveria angle (a bit absurd, but done right it could have been brilliant and radically different than any other super villain put to film yet) they decided the Green Goblin arc was more interesting.

He's now a businessman who ends up mutating into a metal man all the while his partners are undercutting him and taking his business. Instead of a pumpkin bomb on a balcony, it's a face off in an underground garage, but it all amounts to the same thing. His powers are ridiculous, his character 2 dimensional and worst of all... he's completely non-threatening and even boring. Visually, character-wise... just drab.

The pacing is almost nonexistent. The movie plods along and plods along and plods along. There is no excitement in the space station. There is a tiny bit of coolness to the Thing on the bridge, but then again... we've all seen the important bits of that scene for the last 6 months now... Thing blocks truck, pulls fire truck back over the edge... There was little new.

The Human Torch/Missile chase is good for the minute it takes, but there is no drama to the chase... It just kind of happens. Although I do like one moment when the Torch is able to temporarily decoy the missile away.

The end battle with the Four and Doom is short and not exciting in the least, with the exception of The Thing throwing a car and the Human Torch lobbing some good ol' fireballs.

The interaction between Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm is pretty great, but way underused. They have a couple good moments, the best being outside of the X-Games, but even those good scenes just peter out into nothingness, building to absolutely nada.

The score by John Ottman, who I really do like as a composer, is just like the movie: bland and overrun by shitty-ass modern rock music.

And yes... the outfits do look pretty good (although I can nitpick that, too... ask yourself why the Fantastic Four emblem isn't visible when Sue is invisible or doesn't burn off when Johnny Flames On), but if one of the best things a superhero movie has going for it are decent looking outfits, then it is in trouble.

I didn't want the film to end up being as bad or worse than I was expecting. I actually had some hope that I'd enjoy at least the spectacle of it, but the movie really does come up empty on all accounts. The characters are drab, uninspired and boring (with the exceptions of The Torch and The Thing). The spectacle is mishandled, the effects second rate at best. When you don't have a good script and can't even bring in the eye candy, then I don't know what to say.

Will you like it? I hope so. I certainly wanted to be wrong about the impressions the trailer gave me. I can't say how you'll react. I can just say that I have no desire to ever watch this movie again. It may not be as overall bad as CATWOMAN, but I somehow feel just as insulted by the movie, if that makes any sense?

Anyway, that's about it from me. I have a couple set reports to work on, but I'm afraid Comic-Con may arrive before I get ample time to work on 'em. Comic-Con is shaping up to be damn cool, so keep an eye out for my daily reports from San Diego starting next Thursday! 'Til then, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.

-Quint