I am – Hercules!!

“This is a secret,” Arnold Shapiro, the 64-year-old executive producer of “Big Brother 6,” told me Tuesday. “You can’t talk about it.”

And I’m still not 100-percent sure he wasn’t kidding. “This is a secret?” I asked. “Seriously?” I glanced back at the tiny publicist, Jen, who shadowed us Tuesday through the brand new “Big Brother” set. She’s nodded. Jen’s expression betrayed no mirth.

And it’s such an innocuous piece of misdirection! A really minor hoax, if that’s even the word, but one I’m told will be perpetrated upon the millions who will watch “Big Brother” all summer. Something many dozens of people, including many members of the working press, would have to know already.

I have no idea why Shapiro wants to keep it a secret, or if he just made this rule up arbitrarily, on the spot. But I will play ball. You will not find the secret cloaked in invisotext anywhere in this post. Because as one navigates the tempestuous waters of televised entertainment, CBS is not a boat one wants to rock. Neither is a show hosted by network chieftan Les Moonves’ superhot new wife, Julie Chen.

But Shapiro left me wondering. This hoax. Has it been perpetrated by the show and the network for seasons now? Or is it unique to this freshly minted “Big Brother” house, which has now made its permanent home on the old “King of Queens” set? (“Queens,” for those wondering how the two shows could co-exist in the same space over the summer, has fled to another soundstage. The area on which the old “BB” house once stood will soon be home to new offices for CBS’ local Los Angeles news personnel.)

This was my first visit to any “Big Brother” set, but I’ve wanted to visit one for at least half a decade now. After “Project Greenlight,” “Big Brother” is my favorite reality show ever. I’ve not only watched every episode, I subscribe every year to the live 24-7 Internet feed to watch the housemates flirt, scheme and bicker, day and night. If you want to learn why, click that “More On This Topic” button just above the talkback. This show blisses me out, and is the reason Ain’t It Cool: Coaxial News gets much, much quietier between July and September.

Another reason I’ve craved a set visit? I’ve lived about a block from that set since they built it. You know those planes that fly over the “BB” house with rude message-banners for the houseguests? I can read those messages, effortlessly, from my East-facing balcony.

Anyway, here are some secrets I believe I can reveal of “Big Brother 6”:

* The theme this year is “Summer of Secrets.”

* The new house is spectacular. And much bigger than the old one. The pool is bigger and deeper (though not by much), the hot tub is recessed, the “grass” is greener, the air is sweeter, the yard is huuuge, the HoH room looks like the best suite at the Four Seasons. I wish this house were mine. And perhaps one day it will be!

* There are 14 houseguests. But my tour of the house on Tuesday revealed there are only 10 beds: the “Head of Household” (HoH) bed on the upper floor and nine others below. When I asked Shapiro how 14 houseguests would fit into only 10 beds? He said only this: “Summer of Secrets. Summer of Secrets.”

* The nine beds on the ground floor? All packed into one tiny room. Also? About half of them look nicer than the other half.

* You heard me right. The new “BB” house is a split level. The upper level contains little more than the HofH suite. Which is much bigger this year, and features for the first time its own private potty and shower.

* There's foozball in the backyard.

* There will be video displays above the eviction keys instead of mere photographs.

* Every houseguest has a secret! Not just some! Quoth the press release:

For the first time, every houseguest will be entering the house and playing the game with a secret partner -- someone they know from the outside world. Friends, co-workers and significant others will play the Big Brother game as secret duos. The twist is that each secret team believes that they are the only pair in the house (pairings will be revealed to TV viewers during the first live broadcast on July 14). Each twosome knows that if they can keep their secret and end up being the last two people in the house, the winner will win $1,000,000, the biggest cash prize in Big Brother history, with the second place finisher winning $250,000. If a twosome does not make it to the final two, the winner will win $500,000.

* Even the new house has secrets! Press release again!

Like the contestants that will inhabit it, the new house is also full of secrets and surprises that will be unveiled throughout the summer.

* If you’re a houseguest who’s somehow escaped media quarantine and logged onto the Internet? Some tips: When you enter those thick doors on July 7, run to the right. That’s where the nine downstairs beds are. There’s not much else to right, but beds are important. Also to the right is the confessional (or whatever it is “BB” calls that private talk-to-the-cameras room) and the living room where they hold the eviction ceremonies. There's also a striking chrome basket-weave wall. There’s a lot more if you go left, but not much in the way of beddage. Go to the left and you’ll find only the very large and colorful kitchen, the entrance to the huge Astroturf yard, the staircase to the HoH level, the exercise room (which has a keypad lock, suggesting access to it may be limited), and the gigantic single-commode downstairs bathroom.

* If you’ve not yet hopped aboard this big “computer” craze all the kids seem to enjoy? Here’s when you are permitted to enjoy “Big Brother”:

BIG BROTHER 6 debuts on Thursday, July 7 (8:00-9:00 PM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. Following the premiere, BIG BROTHER 6 will be broadcast each week on Tuesdays (9:00-10:00 PM, ET/PT), Thursdays (8:00-9:00 PM, live ET/delayed PT) and Saturdays (8:00-9:00 PM, ET/PT). The Thursday broadcast, hosted by Julie Chen, will feature the live eviction of one of the houseguests.

* No geezers this year, at least in front of the camera. Not only are all of the 14 houseguests younger than Les Moonves, at least 12 of them are younger than the fabulous Julie.

* At least eight of the 14 appear to be young women. (Irvine graphic designer “Kaysar,” as it happens, appears to be a dude.)

* A whopping 12 of the 14 are single and, presumably, ready to mingle.

* This year’s contestants:

1) Maggie Ausburn, 26
Las Vegas, NV
Single
Emergency Room Nurse

2) Beau Beasley, 25
Pembroke Pines, FL
Single
Personal Shopper

3) Ivette Corredero, 25
Miami Beach, FL
Single
Waitress

4) Michael Donnellan, 28
Orange County, CA
Single
Artist

5) Ashlea Evans, 22
Plantation, FL
Single
Fashion Design Student

6) Howie Gordon, 34
Chicago, IL
Single
Meteorology Student

7) Sarah Hrejsa, 22
Chicago, IL
Single
Retail Manager

8) April Lewis, 30
Dallas, TX
Newlywed
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep.

9) Eric Littmann, 36
Boston, MA
Married Dad
Firefighter

10) Janelle Pierzina, 25
Miami Beach, FL
Single
VIP Cocktail Waitress

11) Rachel Plencner, 33
Parker, CO
Single
Horse Breeder

12) James Rhine, 29
Atlanta, GA
Single
Loss Prevention Manager

13) Kaysar Ridha, 24
Irvine, CA
Single
Graphic Designer

14) Jennifer Vasquez, 27
Plano, TX
Single
Arena Football League Dancer

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