Hey folks, Harry here... I can already see a trend here... Better than expected, but still not that fantastic. Blaming screenwriter Michael France for these paper thin characters and plot isn't apt at all. Had they shot Michael France's screenplay - I'd be a happy camper - it was, the bomb. Problem is like on all of his Marvel scripts - after he hands in a draft that should just be shot as is - they go in and hand the script to a whole group of folks without a clue what to do with the characters. Seriously - you find his PUNISHER draft and it's jaw-droppingly cool. You read his HULK and it is extremely true to exactly what you wanted from that film. His FANTASTIC FOUR - pretty damn close to being dead on. I really dislike the whole Dr. Doom as Donald Trump thing. And the script they did shoot had wonderful 'moments' but dammit, I don't want a partial. I wanted them to nail this one. I don't want an O.K. FOUR - I wanted THE FANTASTIC FOUR. We got 3 reviews here - the most positive one is the last one - and he says it is at the low-end of a 7 out of 10. Beware of spoilers... nuff said..

I don’t think it is as bad as we all feared, but it is certainly far from “Fantastic.” Just got back from an advanced screening of “Fantastic Four,” and it had the crowd cheering at the end. This is a crowd that also cheered for “Ice Age 2” and “Big Momma’s House 2,” and about thirty other FOX sequel trailers that played before the feature. About ten percent of them might have known who the Fantastic Four are, and most of the rest probably saw the words free on a piece of paper and thought it was the perfect place to drag their annoying kids to. The other five rows were Execs and so forth, and I’m pretty sure Tim Story was sitting dead center in the theater.

When your script is from the writer of “Punisher,” “The Hulk,” and… “Cliffhanger” I’d say you’ve gotten yourself in some deep shit. Weak writing is what heroes in a lot of these comic book adaptations are really battling against, and they’re losing. Even “Batman Begins,” which overall I loved, has most of it problems in the script. I know there are talented writers out there that could do a hell of a job with any superhero, maybe even Aquaman, but most of what has been coming out seems like it was written by a room full of monkeys chained to typewriters.

I’ll try to keep it spoiler-free at first, before I get into it. It’s better than “Punisher,” “Hulk,” “Daredevil,” “Electra,” and Roger Corman’s “Fantastic Four. I guess that’s not saying much.

It doesn’t spend much time on character like “Spider-man” and “Batman Begins” did, and even less on logic. The movie goes by fast. One second Reed and Ben, who really has no purpose being there, are trying to convince Reed’s old college pal, good ol’ Vic Von Doom, to finance him some money and a space station for his space experiment that will cure cancer or something. We don’t even see the iconic shuttle launch that is in every Fantastic Four origin, Ultimate excluded, and we just skip right to the shuttle. Guess it wasn’t in the budget. Then there’s the cosmic rays, and right back to Earth we go. Probably in the span of ten minutes. If you’re one of those people who said “why do we have to wait an hour to see Batman,” you might be more pleased with this. We don’t really know much at all about the characters, except from the tired “their character matches their powers” thing. “Always stretching,” “You don’t pay any attention to me,” “What a hothead,” “You’re a real tough, solid guy,” “The guy’s so vain he has a statue of himself.” Yeah, we get it. It’s been done in the comics, but the writers really beat it to death here. Reed is bankrupt. Ben for some reason just follows Reed around and Susan is the hottest scientist, I guess that’s what she was, you’ll ever see.

There just isn’t much dimension to any character in the movie, which works if you’re a hothead, a word oft said in the movie, who wants fame, riches, and women. Chris Evans probably found that part he was born to play, and he gets the best material in the movie. Though if you’ve seen the trailers, you’ve seen pretty much everything he does. Evans I can believe in his character. Everyone else though, not so much.

Ben Grimm spends most of the movie trying to pick things up and breaking them, or sitting on things and breaking them, or trying to pick up small things with his big rock fingers. One gag after another inbetween the “you turned me into a monster! Argh!” stuff. I didn’t really belong to either the “Thing must be CGI!” or “CGI is bad!” crowd. The suit could have been done better. You’ve all seen it. In the movie there are a few times you catch someone touch what should be solid rock and you see it move like it is foam. Sometimes when he moves and you hear a gravelly kind of sound, and then sometimes there’s not. Sometimes when he walks everything shakes like if a giant boulder kept being lifted and dropped, then sometimes not. It’s rather inconsistent. Personally I would have gone for a mixture of CGI and prosthetics. At least they could have made him bigger that way. A Chiklis size Thing is hardly imposing. He does look good in the fedora and trenchcoat. I like Chiklis and he is competent enough with what he is given.

The love/hate relationship between Ben and Johnny works for the most part. Johnny has been retconned in the movie into being a pilot, like Ben, and Ben was his commanding officer when they were in the military. There are some good bits of pranking between the two.

Reed and Sue are just boring. There really isn’t any reason Sue should be interested in him, or Reed to be in love with her, other than she being hot. They’re the responsible parents types to Johnny and Ben.

The powers are pretty good. Flaming Torch again looks the best. A lot of stuff you’ll recognize from the comics, like Reed wrapping every which way around Ben to try and stop him. With Sue, we’ve had enough invisible man movies to get that down, and they already had Jean Grey doing force fields in “X-men” so it wasn’t that tough to pull off.

You seen “Spider-man”? I didn’t know Green Goblin was going to be in this one too. Victor Von Doom is essentially the same character as Norman Osborn was in “Spider-man” minus the son. Same big giant company who’s investors are cutting out or backing out. Same taking revenge on them. Same power leading to total madness. The both have lame, useless helmets. There’s certainly nothing scary about Doom in the movie, where instead of guy who uses his genius to get the Fantastic Four, Doom uses Electro’s powers.

Other characters from Ben Grimm’s wife to blind girl (to act blind you just make your eyes move all wacky) Alicia Masters are even less dimensional, though thankfully don’t have much screen time. Apparently Ben Grimm’s super hot wife was able to accept Michael Chiklis’ form, but one look at the Thing and the heartless bitch drops her wedding ring and runs off. I’m guessing there was more to Alicia Masters, since I recall set photos showing her gallery and statues of Ben, but it is nowhere to be found in the movie.

There are some entertaining action scenes. Popcorn movie this is. If you’re a diehard Fantastic Four fan, there will be some stuff for you to enjoy. I really can’t say much about Tim Story’s directing. I haven’t seen anything else he’s done. I mean he directed “Taxi” for fuck’s sake. With his filmography, and no real distinct style, it’s like he’s the black Brett Ratner. He does an alright job with the script he is given, but plug in any other run of the mill director and I doubt you would have ended up with much different.

From now on there are bigger spoilers.

Fantastic Four is often described as the celebrity superhero team. I recall reading something about Tim Story saying he wanted to make a part of the movie. But he takes it to really fucking stupid heights. Sulking about being orange, Thing ends up causing a huge pile up on the freeway. The other three show up and they save a few lives that they were responsible for endangering. BOOM! They are the most popular people around. Everyone knows them, dubs them The Fantastic Four. They really haven’t done much of anything. They aren’t a team. They don’t have the uniforms yet. But everyone’s applauding. They don’t even leave the Baxter building for the next fifteen minutes afterwards, but we keep hearing about the crowds of people outside who in two minutes have shown up with signs saying how hot Johnny is and the already have a merchandising section in the Baxter building. All this while Reed insists they not leave and concentrate on a cure. Come on. It’s just way over the top. They are like reality stars who somehow reach Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, or TomKat levels of publicity and paparazzi in a matter of seconds.

There is also a completely illogical scene for the sole purpose of having Jessica Alba take off her clothes. I’m all for having her take off her clothes, but have a reason. She turns invisible, and then suddenly she has her clothes back on, and somehow this has helped them save the day.

The movie keeps going with what is more like skits than scenes. Johnny blows some shit up. Reed falls asleep on his keyboard giving him a droopy face. Sue keeps turning invisible at inappropriate times. Ben breaks stuff. And Stan Lee is the friendliest mail man ever.

Reed spends a majority of the movie saying he’s trying to find a cure for Ben. Sue doesn’t really do anything but be the love interest. Johnny is anxious to get out there and meet his adoring public. Its all pretty much like a Reader’s Digest version of the comic book.

Anyone who was bitching about Doom not being the ruler of Latveria will be happy, or more likely annoyed to know there are a bunch of throw away references to the place, including the very end of the movie. Other people wont know what the fuck it is, or why it is mentioned. For some reason Latveria loved Victor so much that they gave him this trophy, which is actually the stupid mask he puts on. Like Osborn he seems to have a mask fetish. Who knows why he needs a metal mask when we can he see his entire body is made of metal now. So vain he covers his face with what is under his face.

Other throwaway references include how they get their names and how they get their costumes, both having to do with Johnny getting all eXtreme. This scene will also make you really want a Pepsi.

There are some funny moments, mostly involving Ben and Johnny, like Johnny doing the ol’ shaving cream on the hand and having trouble tickling Ben’s rock face, or Ben making a ball out of Johnny’s Porsche, which he has somehow adorned with a vanity plate that says TORCH’D even though they haven’t had their powers long enough for him to go down to the DMV.

Eventually Victor Von Doom, becomes Dr. Doom. He must just keep a green cloak lying around the office. He comes up with the ingenious plan of freezing Mr. Fantastic, blowing up Johnny Storm, and turning the Thing back into Ben Grimm. Doom’s motive doesn’t really make much sense. He holds Reed responsible for what happened to him, both his transformation in to Metal man and the destruction of his company, but also seems happy with his new form and the power it gives him.

Of course there wouldn’t be room for a sequel if he succeeded. So, “It’s Clobbering Time!” The Fantastic Four join their powers together, Human Torch’s ability to make things hot, Invisible Girl’s ability to put a force field around things… and Thing’s ability to smash fire hydrants with Mr. Fantastic’s ability to turn into a human water slide, to defeat Dr. Doom by turning him in to a statue… Hey, just like the giant one of him in front of his office at the beginning! Isn’t that clever!?... Reed gets the girl. Johnny gets the girls. Ben gets the blind girl. Big 4 in the sky.

With a stronger script and a little more expansion on the characters and plot (the movie was only about 95 minutes long) it could have been closer to the “Fantastic Four” movie we all wanted to see. Like I mentioned before, it would seem there were entire plotlines taken out (Ben and Alicia). As it is, it’s a fast, cookie cut plot, thin character, popcorn fest, that is somewhat better than what Marvel has given us outside the X and Spidey franchises. I’m sure there are some that will have a good time with it. It’ll make money. Regardless of it’s quality, FOX will probably announce F4 Squared after opening weekend, and maybe it will have Galactus and the Ultimate Nullifier, which will spin-off into Silver Surfer. That’d be cool… maybe.

--Zod. AKA ZodsIllegitimateSon. AKA That Asshole.

Next we have DeuceX with a look at it. He seemed to just be bored to death by the film - only watching for Jessica Alba's cleavage. Here ya go...

The Fantastic Four, yeah I've seen it, now I'm gonna tell ya about it.

I've never been much on the Fab 4 books but I did know the story. I decided to take it from the point of view of the average joe who knows it's a comic adaptation and went to it anyway.

Heres what I learned about the world. Scientists are hot but stupid, rich people are evil and two dimentional and men don't have naughty bits.

I grew up in a family of physicists and have met several so I can say with certainty that in reality physicists hair cuts cost 5 bucks and look like it, if it's not jeans and a t-shirt it's the cheapest suit available that fits. If asked what Armani is the answer is “some new sub-atomic particle?” So when I met the swave, stylish and oh so clueless Reed Richards, decided to suspend disbelief and let it ride. It was a down hill ride.

I waited 5 minutes and ignored the rolling sillyness and was rewarded with Alba cleavage. “Yes,” I said to myself “I have their number.” Like pavlovs dog I waited for my next tossed bone and settled in for the invisible girl In underwear shots that I knew would be forthcoming and plentiful.

The big sequence where the storm hit worked well enough and it was good to see they didn't waste to much time and cleavage shots to get us there. The storm rolled in and everyone got zapped and then came the whiplash. Right when the storm was getting good, BAM, we're back on earth in a fancy hospital. Everyone is recovering nicely. I prey it was a projection screw up and not an edit because everyone in the theater thought it was a screw up by the projection guys. From what I know of how those things work it wasn't a screw up and it was SUCH A BAD EDITING DECISION THAT THE AUDIENCE THOUGHT IT WAS.

Now on to Jonny storms Wing Wing. Poor man must have lost it in the accident. He would “flame on” and there would go the clothes. As the man stood nekkid in a test chamber flames covering him and shooting out in a dassling display of CGI you could see his expressions, his eyes, mouth, ears, nostrils, corneas, fingers and I think even nipples, But no Mister Happy. Happly that didn't stop him from being a 2 bit babe hound. If you pay attention at the end you find out the same thing happened to Doc Doom too. Poor guys.

The best part of the film in my opinion was the obligitory music video that showed everyone getting used to living with each other ala Real Life. Reed reaching across the hall for the shit tickets, Jessica Alba reaching for the towel and going invisible when reed walks in on her exiting the shower, etc.

Other bits? Chickless is a great actor but six inches of latex hides his skill rather thoroghly. Someone should have realized that the corporate back stabing stuff was done in Spiderman, and I mean the EXACT same stuff. The collapse of Grims merriage was glossed over and lame. Stan Lee had the most lines I've seen him do in a movie. Nice use of star power in that.

If you are going to it to see Alba cleavage Get the GQ, they did a better job. It wasn't utterly lame but it wasn't up to par with the other big budget comic adaptations we've been seeing. Well on par with Hulk and Punnisher.

Tomorrow night I see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Wish me luck.

DeuceX

And now there's Dr.No Is A Yes - and he likes it, giving it a low 7 out of 10. This is the most positive of the reviews...

Hey Harry and everyone else. As everyone usually says with these, first time writer and whatnot. Just got back from a screening for the Fantastic Four movie here in NYC and I have to say something about it. It was itching away at my brain like a cancerous tumor. Something I wouldn't think I would say.

I liked it. I actually liked it alot when you put it in context with the characters in this story. Everyone's been bragging about how terrible this film will be. Go and see it when it comes out. Give it a chance because I did and I was pleasantly surprised.

No spoilers but I'll delve into each player in the story. Ioan Gruffudd as Reed Richards/ Mr. Fantastic was a choice I didn't get all goo goo eyed for. But when I saw the pics starting to leak with the little gray in his hair, I was excited. He was the lame, science driven, oblivious nerd I grew up loving.

Jessica Alba as Sue Storm/ Invisible Girl was passable. She isn't bad in the role... just nothing special going on. She is a looker and she did look good throughout, so that's going to guarantee a bunch of horny boys running in to spank it. The relationship between Reed and herself is a little strained in the beginning... but the more they delve into it, the more it was believable.

Chris Evans is the embodiment of Johnny Storm/ The Human Torch. The wise cracking asshole of the group, he plays the part perfectly. He looks as if he's having a blast throughout the whole film. They threw in the typical teeny bopper 'EXTREME SPORTS!!' angle in there, which i could care less for, but I can see where they were going.

Michael Chicklis, who I've loved since The Commish and with The Shield is the anchor of the film. The Thing/Ben Grimm is the scapegoat, the one who got the worst part of these extraordinary powers and has to live with his difigurement everyday for the rest of his life. A line he says to Sue actually got the whole audience to give an "AWWWW" just for him. This is in regards to everyone having powers as well as problems.

"You know how badly I wish I could be invisible."

And Julian McMahon as Victor Von Doom/ Dr. Doom wasn't bad actually. Wasn't familiar with his other doctor work on Nip/Tuck, but he makes for a fun bad buy. Not scary, but fun. Getting changed like them, the little scar getting bigger and when he realizes the power he has, going made and just blasting holes through people. Very surprised to see that in a PG -13 movie. I just hated the fact that they made his outfit very GQish, but of course, I can get over that.

The special effects were very well done for each character. The stretching looked a little cheesy at points though, but in my head all I could keep saying was, "At least it isn't paper mache'. By far the Human Torch's parts looked best when he would be flying around and throwing fireballs at various things.

And to all the people badmouthing The Thing being non-CGI. Some peopel have pointed out that if Hellboy was CGI, it would've been a big pile of shit. I agree. This film would've looked ten times worse if he wasn't on screen with them all, interacting with the people and the objects around him. Trying to pick up a fork or crushing a glass in his hands looked like a man who has to learn all over again how it is to live a 'normal' life. The creases people keep talking about... yeah, I could see them, but thought of them as where his joints were. Yes, he's made of rock. He's a big pile of walking rubble. But I could tell they wanted to show him as a man who had a gift given to him at the wrong time, always sad now because his wife has left him because of the way he looks and the only person who sees his beauty is a blind woman. Isn't that always the way it is?

I'd give it a weak 7 out of 10. In the regions of a Daredevil/Hulk type film... where there is a lot of hope with a sequel. At least it isn't an Elektra. Or worse, a Catwoman. Or even worse, Man-Thing. And with most comic book movies, the end is never truly the end. Now to play more of the Fantastic Four game I bought today from a crackhead for 5 bucks. NYC can be great sometimes.

If you use this, call me Dr. No Is a Yes.