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Quint's stony heart isn't exactly melted by HOUSE OF WAX!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with my opinion of the Paris Hilton epic HOUSE OF WAX... I see that bastard Knowles beat me to the punch... whoda thunk he'd actually review a movie? hehe
I keed! I keed!
I really don't know what to say that Harry didn't cover. I disliked the movie a little more than he did, but not by much. There are some really nifty and gleefully fucked up moments once Elisha Cuthbert and her boyfriend (Jared Padalecki) get to the House of Wax town. Good gore, great villain moments... but all spotted throughout a shitty movie. There's a scene involving super glue that'll make you smile, then one involving a small pair of wire cutters that'll have you grunt your approval before you remember how shitty the rest of the movie is.
Of course I knew going in that it was Dark Castle, perhaps one of the biggest missed opportunities for a production house ever... and this is coming from someone that kinda liked GOTHIKA (at least it tried to have something like atmosphere). HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL had some great character work, but the most interesting characters are in and out of the movie in a few scenes (Jeffrey Combs anyone?)... exchanged for some of the worst CG ever put to screen (right up there with that jibbering father of Jar Jar space monkey thing from LOST IN SPACE). GHOST SHIP was utterly horrible, with the exception of the big mass death scene... 13 GHOSTS... great setting, solid rules to follow... shitty ass execution and silly looking ghosts.
I'll say this... HOUSE OF WAX looks better than most flicks out of Dark Castle... The gore is much better... but getting to it will make you want to put a bullet in your brain.
I thought I'd have a lot to say about this flick, but I really can't think of much else... Harry covered the extreme overuse of nods to Paris Hilton's sex video... again and again and again... It really does get ridiculous.
The dialogue is offensively bad throughout most of the movie, Elisha Cuthbert tries, but doesn't have much to work with. The rest of the cast tries, too... none are too terrible, even Paris Hilton. Hold it! Hold it! This is not a praise. She still sucked a golf ball through a garden hose, but she wasn't any worse than an average bad actress in a badly written horror movie. Like in real life, her eyes were dull with no glimpse of personality or excitement or... a soul.
The effects were pretty decent. The wax people were creepy and I hold that this film, with it's basic structure, could have made a really damn good horror flick if it weren't for the crappy dialogue. The villain isn't bad... matter of fact I think Brian Van Holt does the best work of anyone in the movie, but then again he does have a piece of the one or two great moments in the movie, so... that might have some effect on why I liked his character.
I wouldn't throw my money away on this, even on DVD. Wait for cable is my suggestion and then only if there's no World Series of Poker rerun or interesting infomercial on. OK, I'm off to bed. I gotta get up for a screening of some indie flick, so I better hit the sack while the hittin's good.
-Quint
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I was going to go see this movie, but I've got a colonic appointment tomorrow.
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Finally caught it on terrestrial. Wasn't that bad. Although Dark Castle do seem to have a thing for breast slashing.
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That's so not hot.
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May 05, 2005 5:45:49 AM CDT
did you change the article name? I thought "blow torch" was som
by logofdoom
I'm not being a dick, I'm really unsure of what I saw earlier. The former article title seemed to say, "I'd eat my own shit before seeing this flick again". Am I just tripping out here or did you drastically soften the title?
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Jayzus, what is it with you guys? Whenever some uncreative yutz buys an old property, saying "The time is right for a remake", you just fall on yourselves, wondering if it'll be "up to the standards of the original" or somesuch. This is how we got the latest incarnations of Rollerball, Planet of the Apes, House on Haunted Hill, endless attempts at prequels to The Exorcist, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum. The damn films were got right the first time, but some people aren't making money off 'em NOW. In this case, the ONLY reason this was done was a desperate attempt to give that sorry, anorexic floozy some screen cred that didn't involve belittling people with less inherited wealth or blowing somebody. As soon as it was announced, I knew that there was no point in seeing it. Now, understand, I haven't got a problem with the remakes of Kong or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, because it looks as if they might be trying something different from the original. But remaking a damn near perfect film like House Of Wax with the sensibilities of a lumberjack on crack is only going to end in tears for everyone, so why even bother? Oh, that's right, because otherwise you wouldn't get your fringe-of-the-media freebies or get to thumb-wrestle with Quentin Tarantino's assistant nose-picker. How many reviews is this site going to devote to movies that we can tell months in advance are going to suck? The answer, unfortunately, is probably as many as there are movies that should never been greenlighted. (Greenlit?)
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I've seen the pictures and the video and....eeeewwww.
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At least I get paid for my suffering.
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monkeytennis? I'm not a guy (I'm actually a bi female, but whatever). If I had a dick, I wouldn't hit that. I wouldn't even hit that with a baseball bat. Oops, was that an idea for her next sex film?
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If she has a Wrong Turn-style bondage scene, this will be worth a rental at least.
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http://movieweb.com/news/news.php?id=7574
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...if I weren't married, I'd stalk you. Given your perspective on the Paris Hilton situation, I suspect we'd have very similar tastes in women. As for Monkeytennis? and his silly thesis about any straight male being unable to turn down the opportunity gratify Paris' well-used no-funhole, you might want to conduct an actual survey before making such a bold statistical assertion in the future. As I've said before, Paris is a pointy, hatchet-faced lap monkey who clearly didn't get enough of daddy's attention as a little girl and has consequently not developed the ability to discern good attention from bad. She will do whatever it takes to get everyone in the world to look at her, even if they're laughing at her, because she knows that if she didn't act out there would be no reason to give half a shit about her. She's an ugly (outside and in), vapid individual who... at least judging by her infamous tape... isn't even good in bed. I'll pass.
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I doubt it tastes like Dom Perignon. I'd rather go to the house of wax-off.
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May 05, 2005 11:33:18 AM CDT
Rhetorical question: If you were Juame Serra and just got your
by barry egan
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trust me, all yall paris haters -- CLICK HERE:
http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/one_lucky_fan -
When she first signed up for this movie she thought it was 'House of Wanks'.
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logofdoom- you probably saw the title for Harry's review of HOW, which contains the phrase "blow torch"...why the hell there are two reviews of a crap movie that say exactly the same thing on this site is beyond me, however.
That being said, I actually kinda liked The House On Haunted Hill. Fine, crucify me... -
...but she is a dim bulb. In sixty years she will look exactly like the wicked witch of the west.
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Elisha, Paris, nipples, wax...I'm there. I like Dark Castle stuff.
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...apparently I was too "unwise" to devine the extra bonus point of monkeytennis?'s defensive Paris post, even after he came out and identified his points as "1. Yes, she inherited a vast fortune and hasn't had to work for it, but jeez, is this a reason to wish her dead? 2. Like it or not, theres not one hetero male visiting this site that would turn her down if she offered to sit on your face." And here I thought I was doing such a great job reading for comprehension. I only took issue with your second statement (which I still maintain was idiotic), but I'll address your first one here. I don't think most of us wish Paris dead because she's rich. In fact, I'd warrant most of us just wish she weren't in front of our faces on TV and in every entertainment-industry publication every day. But if anyone does wish her dead, I suspect it's someone who's simply had enough of looking at her ugly, unfuckable hatchet face. Savvy?
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And that agent is me. And her first picture after I take the reigns is going to Teenage Creamsicles 5: Anal Revenge.
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I just coined a new phrase to define Paris Hilton! I guess it could apply to all talentless whores, too, i.e.:
"The new peep show employee finished his coffee, grabbed his spunk mop & got back to work"
"Paris Hilton is a spunk-mop"
I guess "spunk rag" would work too, but it's already pretty well defined & used, usually referring to an actual rag into which one wanks off.
I think "Spunk Mop" paints a more vivid picture in the mind...grabbing Paris, flipping her bony ass upside down & wiping your spunk off the floor with her hair.
Spread the word....SPUNK MOP!!! -
Highly underrated movie. Way better than HOHH. That nekkid bimbo ghost with the bloody fake chesticles was way more hardcore than I expected. In fact, it was all solid (in a goofy kind of way. If Quint had seen William Castle's original, he wouldn't be talking about the remake's "silly ghosts") except for the completely unnecessary black comic relief. "Aw, hell no. I ain't goin' in no haunted-ass house wit y'all crazy crackers. Y'all crackers is crazy." If I never see another black comic relief character as long as I live, I'll die a happy man. Penniless and alone, but happy.
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Aah, monkeytennis. Just because you have the desire to eat Paris Hilton's ass, doesn't mean the rest of us do. She's vacuous, untalented, overexposed and basically a nasty, skanky ho.
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I loved it cause it actually scared me with the freakishly horrifying ghosts. I also liked "House on Haunted Hill." Both were fun rides of movies. I however skipped the recent 3 films. Being "Ghost Ship", "Gothica", and "House of Wax." Oh, and I'm a heterosexual male who would pass up Paris Hilton. Sorry, I don't fuck corpses or skeletons, nor do I bang stupid bitches filled with air. Seriously fucking Paris Hilton is like fucking a blow-up doll. But interestingly enough the blow-up doll is more intelligent.
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...oh... it's just a movie...
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As I do not want to taste the four different flavors of semen inevitably oozing from of her disease-ridden, stretched-out twat. I would, however, poke her in the ass, shoot a load on her back, swipe a couple hundred bucks out of her purse and then call a cab...
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God, it never ceases to amaze me how pathetic, pitiful, and just sad the losers who live on this site truly are. All this negativity again Paris Hilton is stomach turning. Do you idiots not realise that without the rich, society as we know if could not function? If no one owned companies, where would the jobs come from? Whenever somebody roles the dice and becomes successful, that creates jobs you idiots. Of course all you pathetic no-lifes live with mommy and daddy so you have no idea how the world actualy works, but if and when you ever try to find a job you will be grateful for all the Hiltons in the world. Without them we would be at the tender mercy of the government, and anyone who has studied political science will atest that no one wants to live in a communist regime. I know that most of the people who come here are losers who girls ignore and the cool kids beat up and the fact that a lady as hot and pedigreed as Paris would laugh in your collective faces eats at you like cancer, but try to reign in the venom. It only makes you more pathetic than you already are.
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Awww come on. If white people (and black people) can't enjoy the fantastic expressions of terror that Black performers have added to the genre for the past seventy years, then I don't want to listen to any more jazz music either.
God, I love watching horror movies with a black audience. "Don't go in there, honey, he's hidin' behind the door." Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek. SHIT!! Man, that motherfucker be DEAD for sure. Whoooo." -
May 07, 2005 1:51:52 AM CDT
This is the First Full Length Motion Picture shot with the Stupi
by stevelandcleamer
South Park hit it on the head with this SKANK!
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May 07, 2005 7:38:10 AM CDT
Saw House of Wax yesterday, and it was not a pile of shyt. It ce
by the founder
Can't believe some of the sheep here. the movie was standard horror. a group of young people at the mercy of some crazy killers. it's a tried and true formula. HoW had some good moments, and was entertaining, no it's not a classic, and to my surprise hilton delivered her lines capably, but overall the script had some problems, but it got the job done.
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