Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with my opinion of the Paris Hilton epic HOUSE OF WAX... I see that bastard Knowles beat me to the punch... whoda thunk he'd actually review a movie? hehe

I keed! I keed!

I really don't know what to say that Harry didn't cover. I disliked the movie a little more than he did, but not by much. There are some really nifty and gleefully fucked up moments once Elisha Cuthbert and her boyfriend (Jared Padalecki) get to the House of Wax town. Good gore, great villain moments... but all spotted throughout a shitty movie. There's a scene involving super glue that'll make you smile, then one involving a small pair of wire cutters that'll have you grunt your approval before you remember how shitty the rest of the movie is.

Of course I knew going in that it was Dark Castle, perhaps one of the biggest missed opportunities for a production house ever... and this is coming from someone that kinda liked GOTHIKA (at least it tried to have something like atmosphere). HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL had some great character work, but the most interesting characters are in and out of the movie in a few scenes (Jeffrey Combs anyone?)... exchanged for some of the worst CG ever put to screen (right up there with that jibbering father of Jar Jar space monkey thing from LOST IN SPACE). GHOST SHIP was utterly horrible, with the exception of the big mass death scene... 13 GHOSTS... great setting, solid rules to follow... shitty ass execution and silly looking ghosts.

I'll say this... HOUSE OF WAX looks better than most flicks out of Dark Castle... The gore is much better... but getting to it will make you want to put a bullet in your brain.

I thought I'd have a lot to say about this flick, but I really can't think of much else... Harry covered the extreme overuse of nods to Paris Hilton's sex video... again and again and again... It really does get ridiculous.

The dialogue is offensively bad throughout most of the movie, Elisha Cuthbert tries, but doesn't have much to work with. The rest of the cast tries, too... none are too terrible, even Paris Hilton. Hold it! Hold it! This is not a praise. She still sucked a golf ball through a garden hose, but she wasn't any worse than an average bad actress in a badly written horror movie. Like in real life, her eyes were dull with no glimpse of personality or excitement or... a soul.

The effects were pretty decent. The wax people were creepy and I hold that this film, with it's basic structure, could have made a really damn good horror flick if it weren't for the crappy dialogue. The villain isn't bad... matter of fact I think Brian Van Holt does the best work of anyone in the movie, but then again he does have a piece of the one or two great moments in the movie, so... that might have some effect on why I liked his character.

I wouldn't throw my money away on this, even on DVD. Wait for cable is my suggestion and then only if there's no World Series of Poker rerun or interesting infomercial on. OK, I'm off to bed. I gotta get up for a screening of some indie flick, so I better hit the sack while the hittin's good.

-Quint