Cool News
The Mighty Hallenbeck & Prof. Moriarty are at odds over little Simon Birch
The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck takes on the cunning Professor Moriarty over the impish
Simon Birch. The greats are at odds in their reviews of this once "small miracile" movie.
Now we here at Geek Headquarters are caught between these titans of criticism. I
(Father Geek) have also seen the film in question and while I enjoyed it, I fear it is one of
those motion pictures that is not for all tastes, thus our reviewers seperate points of view,
but enough of me, on to the mighty one...
STOP!!! Drop those stones and let Moriarty live, damn you! The Mighty
Joe commands you!!!
You must understand, the man wasn't thinking clearly when he wrote the
review to Simon Birch. He let his personal beliefs and love of the novel
get in the way of his noggin'. He followed his heart instead of
listening to his head. He's just hurt by the fact that Johnson chose to
take many liberties with the original novel. He's also hurt because he
didn't get the oppurtunity to make the adaptation to his favorite book
of all time. I would feel the same way if someone like Dwight H. Little
made a shitty adaptation to GREEN EGGS AND HAM. When his hatred for
Johnson and his vision of Owen Meaney(aka Simon Birch) simmers down,
he'll realize that it's not the most wretched piece of shit movie of the
year(that honor belongs to Godzilla, Species 2...among many others).
He's a wise and intelligent man. His reviews are pretty right on the
money (although, I thought Zorro was just ok). Cut him some slack. If
you wanna bitch at someone...bitch at The Mighty Pimp Daddy. You know
I'm your favorite punching bag.
By no means is Simon Birch one of the best films of the year. However,
it's not a piece of shit either. It is, at it's best, a good, cute
little film. It doesn't belong down there with the likes of the
aforementioned flicks above...and Moriarty knows that. He went
"Hallenbeck" there for a few moments, but as soon as he opens that
narrow-mind of his, he'll see the error of his ways.
Well, since I'm on the subject of Simon, I'll take a brief look at this
film.
I saw Simon Birch many, many moons ago. The reason why I'm just now
writing a review for this flick is because it didn't effect me one way
or another. It's not a "BLAH" flick(a movie you forget the instant it's
over), it was just a good little film...NOTHING SPECTACULAR. I'm not
familiar with the book, nor do I care to be(as you can tell I'm still
reading the classics by the DOC). I never compare the movie to the book
because 10 out of 10 times (yes, the numbers are supposed to be that
way) the movie can't hold a candle to the written page(Reason: you are
the director, actors, composer, art director, cinematographer, caterer,
etc....). No matter how good the movie is, it ain't never gonna live up
to your imagination. To compare the two is a waste of braincells. It's
also like comparing the screenwriter's first draft to the final product
on screen. Most of the time the film ain't nearly as good as that first
draft. To bitch about that fact is pointless.
Anyways, as for Simon, I must say, it is a cute little film. I have
conversed with many people who have seen this movie and all(including
Harry) truly like it...if not LOVE it. You may not like the adaptation
of it(hell, even Irving made them change it to "Inspired BY" on the
credits), but a person of average intelligence can't deny the fact this
movie has some charm to it. The only thing that drove me nuts about this
movie was Jim as the Narrator. It seemed so out of place and completely
unnecessary. To think that Joeseph Mazzello grew up to become Jim Carrey
just didn't sit right with me. Otherwise, I thought the film is a nice
little outing. Here's why:
1. The cast - Everyone, from Smith to Platt, did a hell of a job with
their parts. The two leads, Mazzello and Ian Smith, had really good
chemistry. I never doubted for a second they weren't friends...and
that's an amazing feat considering how shallow the talent pool is when
it comes to child actors(is it me or don't you just wanna kill every
single brat you see on screen? You know they gotta be the producer's son
or daughter because no casting agent in their right mind would cast an
obnoxious, ugly little shit like most of the kids we see acting today).
To make this movie work, these two kids had to be believable...their
friendship not just a manufactured one on page. They accomplished just
that. The way they played off each other and the adults around them was
refreshing to see. It didn't seem phoney. It was natural. That's one of
the strengths of this flick.
2. The setting - this is the other strength of this flick. I loved the
time and place this film was set in. I'm a sucker for small town flicks
and this one did a mighty good job of reeling in this City Slicker. I
never once doubted I was in an innocent, hick town in the 1970's...One
where everyone knows everyone else's secrets.
The rest of the movie(ie story and direction) is were the problems lie.
Most of the time, the story had a nice, magical, small town feel to it.
It's a very good coming of age story about two friends(one a
bastard...the other a freak) that, unfortunately at times, took on some
meaty philosophical issues that didn't quite pay off. The main problem I
had with the flick was that fact I never
believed that Mazzello/Carrey believed in God. He says right in the
beginning of the movie that Simon Birch is the reason why he believes in
God, yet I never understood why. Sure, Simon wanted to prove something
to himself and to everyone in town that he's on this Earth for a reason,
but when he finally does so it ain't all that magical(or powerful). I
never cried or cheered at the proceedings...a fact, which is
unfortunate, because I really wanted to(I bet I would've if I read the
book). That's my major beef with the flick.
My minor beef with the flick (besides that whole Sweet Hereafter "Bus
Thing") lies in the directing. At times, I thought I was watching a
good, but second rate knock off version of Stand By Me. Other times, I
felt as if I was watching the Little Rascals. The tone of the movie is
all over the place. It's very funny in some parts(the play)...cute in
others(what's in the bag?). Then, tragedy hits(no spoilers here). I felt
like Sybil...my emotions were all over the place, but not in a good way.
It was too schizo for its own good. It tried to find its tone, but I'm
afraid it was lost for good.
Simon Birch, while it has its faults, is a good movie. It's most
certainly not the most wretchedly awful piece of shit movie Moriarty
proclaimed it to be. Like I was with H20, Moriarty was hurt that the
filmmakers trashed a favorite of his(I still think H20 sucks, but it's
not the worst film I've seen this year, as my review basically stated.
My love of the Halloween movies got the better of me...but the movie
still bites!).
Is Simon worth seeing? -- Considering what's out now and what's coming
out, the answer is...YES!!!
Full price? -- Why not? Are you gonna spend $8 bucks to go see a POS
like Holy Man, or are going to spend that dough on a movie that is, at
it's worst, a decent little flick?
Like I with H20, Moriarty will see the error of his ways. He'll realize
he was much too harsh on this film. He'll still hate it, but he'll be
man enough to admit it's not a fuckin piece of shit he originally stated
it was.
How about that...I only said fuck once during the review? Fuck...I said
it twice! Fuck, FUCK...I said it three...no, make that 5 times! I'm such
an insensitive fuckin prick! Fuck, there I go again! I better fuckin'
stop this before...FUCK, I said it again.
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
hallenbeck69@hotmail.com
PS I'll be reviewing The Mighty in the very near future. To give you a
clue as to what I thought of this movie, go back and read my Very Bad
Things Review.
-
+ Expand All
-
I'm reprinting my original message that I just added to the Hallenbeck/Rosebud Soldier non-debate for two reasons, one) that was three days or so ago and adding to the thread now was probably pretty pointless in retrospect as most would have been there and done that by now, two) that Hallenbeck makes the same mistake above that he always does, he is again of the opinion that someone elses view is less valid...even if he is being nicer about it than normal. So here goes, and I'll be interested to see the feedback.
Okay, just thought I'd state just where I stand on this whole thing as just about everyone else and their dog has. In short I think Hallenbecks reviews stink, and I'll tell you why. It's not the macho posturing or level of prophanity, it's not that he rips into just about every film that he reviews, or that he has questionable taste (in my opinion)...as far as I'm concerned none of this particularly bothers me, everyone has a right to their opinions, no matter what anyone else thinks of them. No, what really gets to me is when he presents his views as facts, and belittles anyone with a different opinion than his. This to me is the surest sign that his reviews aren't worth the time it takes to read them. I'm all for personal opinions, and I don't care how much I personally happen to agree or disagree with anyone elses, but when someone tells me that their opinion is law, and that what they say are the facts and anything that I might think on the subject isn't worth a pinch of shit, well that's where I draw the line, and that is what Hallenbeck does. Saying that you don't like a film is one thing, outright ripping it to shreds is fine if you feel that strongly about it's lack of worth, but don't lecture anyone else on how your opinions are right and theirs are wrong, because that just doesn't fly. All it does is make you look like an egotistical asshole. As far as I'm concerned Joe can continue to review films as he sees fit, just so long as he doesn't assume that his word is the only word that matters on the subject. I'll still go and see Soldier because I like Russell, and I think it might be a cool film. Afterwards I might love that film, I might hate it, but whatever thoughts I have about it I'll tell anyone who asks, I may even have heated debates over it's merits with other film fans, but I won't try to convince anyone who disagrees with my opinion that they are wrong or stupid for having a different viewpoint, I'll have my opinion and they will have theirs and thats the way it should be. My advice to Joe Hallenbeck is to learn the difference between presenting something as a personal opinion and presenting something as a fact, there's nothing wrong with having opinions, just don't presume to tell me mine. Oh, and just because someone can quote John C. McGinley from Platoon ("excuses are like assholes, everybody's got one...") doesn't make them king reviewer of the universe, but hell...that's just my opinion.
-
Quint here. I saw Simon Birch a long while ago and I'd say that Joe has it right on the money. Like Joe, the only reason I didn't review the flick was that I didn't think I had anything unique to say. All the stuff Harry had gotten pretty much made a review by me nothin' new.
For the people who were bitching about Joe and wanting Harry to kick his egomanical ass out of AICN, well, you have nothing to say if you're reading this. If you're reading this, then you've willingly clicked onto another HALLENBECK header on the main page. I love Joe's reviews. When I read those crappy reviews in the paper, the ones that are always wrong, they don't entertain me while I'm reading something I don't agree with. Joe does that. He makes me roll with laughter. His Soldier review left me in stitches. And who else has the balls to tell Gary Busey to get back on the wagon because he was a better actor when drunk/high.
By the by, H20 still kicked ass, Joe. I'm glad you're slowly coming around. In time, you'll realize it was pretty damn good for what it was. Baby steps, Joe. Baby steps.
Well, that's enough from me..... for now. -
Aug 30, 1998 10:50:08 AM CDT
The Guy Insults Harry's Family, Yet Isn't Man Enough to Leave a
by crash davis
Boy, it could be so difficult to predict the age of the insulting little idiot above. Hmmm...twelve? Thirteen, perhaps? Hey genius...hasn't school started yet? Instead of throwing insults over the Internet, shouldn't you and Mommy be at the grocery store picking up school supplies? Hey, Tower Records has a new Monkees lunchbox on sale. With the insults you gave above, I'm willing to bet any amount that you're a die-hard AOL member. Your intelligence with spelling and word choices, let alone your pure aura of self-indulgent ignorance, proves that you are. PLEASE, PLEASE write me back...I'd love to rip you a new one. C'mon, I dare ya!
-
I meant off the wagon, not on the wagon. Sometimes I'm just stupid, stupid, stupid. Ow, it hurts when my head makes contact with a solid object.
Anyway, sorry about that everybody!
-Q -
harry, i think you need to filter out certain comments from idiots like "the husband" above. Unless of course they leave thier e-mail address.
-
It's nice that the quality of a movie is being debated, but Talk Back is now flooded with more Star Wars talk in one day than you'll ever see for Simon Birch.
Box office matters in Hollywood, so changes will be made in a movie's adaption to the big screen. No matter what Disney does, this will gross a mere $30 or $40 million at the most. Forrest grossed $300 million.
I predict that Rounders, Star Trek Insurrection, Rugrats, Enemy of The State and What Dreams May Come will all gross $100 million. -
First of all. I'm not an obsessed fan of Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Did you not read my review of BASEKETBALL? I said it was mediocre. It had some good moments, but all in all, it wasn't rib-crackingly hilarious, as Mighty Joe had previously said.
I do like South Park (by the way, I'm very NOT a jock. Think of Harry and subtract about 20 lbs), but I don't cry when I miss an episode. I've seen Orgazmo and thought it was pretty good. Nothing great, but entertaining. Pretty much Boogie Nights if it was a flat out comedy. My point being that if I say that most of Parker and Stone's movie ventures have been dissapointing, then how could I be an obssessed fan? Ponder that.
-Q
Readers Talkback
User Login
Top Talkbacks
- Whitney Houston 1963 - 2012 -- 209 total posts 207 posts
- AVENGERS enemy revealed as pink boardgame pieces... You might suffer some form of elation... SPOILERS!!! -- 160 total posts 97 posts
- There's a STAR TREK video game that is going to lead into JJ's STAR TREK 2 apparently... -- 144 total posts 77 posts
- Here's The Red Band Trailer For Drafthouse Films' THE FP! -- 68 total posts 68 posts
- New JUDGE DREDD post production footage pops up -- 67 total posts 67 posts
- Does ‘SNL’ Rhyme With ‘Deschanel’?? Learn Which SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Vet Hosts After Sexy Zooey!! -- 64 total posts 60 posts
- To Commemorate The 3D Release Of STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE, George Lucas Wants You To Know...Greedo Shoots First!! -- 480 total posts 55 posts
- HANNA's Saoirse Ronan to boss around seven little people -- 53 total posts 50 posts
- Friday Brings SWEEPS DAY NINE!! Gab Here About Tonight’s FRINGE!! Plus Einstein on TIM, Wiig On PORTLANDIA, MAHER, CLONE, GIFTED, GRIMM, SPARTACUS, SUPERNATURAL, GOLD RUSH And More!! -- 118 total posts 32 posts
- SPACE 2099!! -- 182 total posts 27 posts