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Neill Cumpston Makes Sweet, Sweet Love To SIN CITY!!

Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...

It’s been a while since Neill’s reviewed something for AICN, but SIN CITY is the perfect movie for him to finally return with, and he’s in fine form this evening. There are a few spoilers, but honestly... it's impossible to talk about this movie without talking about all the crazy-ass shit that's in it. You have to spoil it a little, and he manages not to ruin any of the truly great things you'll see. I’ll have my own review up for this tomorrow morning. For now, I don’t even want to try to compete with the poetry that is... Neill Cumpston. Take it away, man.

I totally camed in my pants.

I’m going to write a bunch more shit, but that’s what this movie sums up to. That’s my blurb, if EL MARIACHI guy is reading, also. If you use it on the poster, it’d be cool to draw a gun with a hard-on saying it. But put a “C in a circle” thingie next to the gun ‘cause I’m writing a movie about it (as a comedy). The title is BONER GUN.

SIN CITY is based on this bad-ass comic I haven’t read all the way through by the guy that did BATMAN ALL PISSED OFF back in the 80’s. The comics were all in black and white, except some of them have color, so that’s how this film is, too. It looks all drawn but also filmed at the same time. Usually it’s blood that has the color, except sometimes it’s red, and other times yellow, and a lot of times it looks like spooge or a milkshake or both. Which is okay ‘cuz at least there’s a lot of it.

Also, I guess it was a good idea to film it mostly just black and white ‘cuz that probably saved a bunch of money and that’s how they could afford the bad-ass cast they put together for it.

The first scene in the movie is that PEARL HARBOR boring guy and he comes out onto a balcony where there’s this hot chick wearing red (it’s the color red, which looks really cool; note: I wanted to fuck everything in this movie, especially the women)

Then that scene is over (there’s a surprise at the end) and then it’s Bruce Willis and the dad from FREE WILLY and they’re cops only Bruce Willis is about to retire (the whole audience is waiting for him to say, “I’m getting too old for this shit“ but he doesn’t and that’s a flaw) and he shoots the TERMINATOR 3 kid in the nuts to save a little girl. Then all of a sudden the movie switches to Mickey Rourke.

Also, this movie jumps all over the place with stories – the thing at the beginning with the PEARL HARBOR guy, and then a little bit of Bruce Willis, and then Mickey Rourke and then the British guy from KING ARTHUR and that hottie from 25th HOUR and then back to Willis. Also there’s a surprise at the end after that, but since everyone on this site fills their Pampers Pull-ups with beef stew about spoilers I won’t write anything here.

But the Mickey Rourke part is the best part of the movie ‘cuz it’s either someone getting a prison pounding on the screen or some hottie flashing boobs. Carla Gugino does a total nudie scene, first lying in bed and then walking around, and I was thinking that after this movie comes out, they should change the “PAUSE” button on DVD remote controls to read “CARLA GUGINO’S BOOBS”, which would be more accurate.

Fuck but this part of the movie cooks. There’s those three different levels of good movies, you know, where it starts out on:

LEVEL ONE: THE RUNDOWN = Taco Bell double-decker tacos

LEVEL TWO: XMEN 2 = That LOST IN TRANSLATION chick eating a double-decker taco slow

LEVEL THREE: DAWN OF THE DEAD (today version) = You eat a Taco Bell double-decker taco and you get to watch a dump truck crash into a Humvee full of jocks, and then the LOST IN TRANSLATION chick runs by naked

But now there’s a new level, and it’s this movie. SIN CITY is all of the above, plus after you watch the dump truck/Humvee crash you get to watch a fireman and a stripper with an alligator head have a hammer fight it’s that good.

What’s also good is the whole movie takes place at night. There’s no lame-ass daylight stuff like you see in Sandra Bullock and Steve Martin movies, where people are talking and trying to be funny and you’re like, someone hit someone with a fucking hammer already.

The KING ARTHUR guy’s story (this has the hot 25th HOUR chick in it, and she’s shooting guns and showing her belly so double splooge) is about how they need to keep this dude’s cut-off head from going back to the cops, or there’ll be a big war in Sin City or something. This story was the hardest for me to follow – there’s tar pits and Irish guys blowing shit up and at one point the dead, Cut-Off Head Guy talks (Quentin Tarantino directed the head-talking part, so even though it blows I think it’s brilliant). Oh, and the chick from UPTOWN GIRLS is in this part, and she cries a black tear and waves and knife around. Pretty cool.

Then we’re back to the Bruce Willis story, and this is where Jessica Alba comes onscreen and makes your dick want to drive a chicken truck into a burning retard school. She doesn’t even ever get naked – just dances around in this cowgirl outfit, but even with clothes on she makes being naked seem gay. This is also one of those “time jump-around” parts, because we see an alive dude who shouldn’t be alive at this point. I think it’s explained during the talking, but I had my iPod on and there was this awesome Limp Bizkit song playing.

Fuck, I’m going to see this movie so many times when it comes out. And I hope it’s playing when STAR WARS 3: GEORGE LUCAS RENTS HIS POOPER TO ELDERLY ARMENIANS comes out – ‘cuz I’ll see this instead.

I totally camed in my pants.

If fanboy was a foreign language, then Neill would be the single most fluent person in it ever. That review was almost as much fun as the movie. You are not ready for April 1st... just remember that. And if Miramax is interested in pull-quotes from Neill’s review, I suggest the part about the DVD remotes and Carla Gugino’s boobs. Quality. That’s what that is.

"Moriarty" out.





Readers Talkback
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  • March 21, 2005, 1:14 a.m. CST

    Nice

    by Mr Bonefish

    Put my ass on the chicken truck...

  • March 21, 2005, 1:17 a.m. CST

    Cumpsten:Movie Reviews::Clapton::Guitar

    by docfalken

  • March 21, 2005, 1:22 a.m. CST

    Why isn't Neil on the payroll for the site?

    by Monkey Butler

    Seriously, make him a regular reviewer for all the event movies. Even though his Matrix Reloaded review ended up being completely wrong, I really wanna hear what he has to say about Batman, Hitchhiker's and Star Wars.

  • March 21, 2005, 1:22 a.m. CST

    A comic orgasm - first?

    by Messyjoe

    I just cannot wait for this after seeing the trailers. Jessica honey I love you.

  • March 21, 2005, 1:24 a.m. CST

    Moriarty writes these himself

    by HardcoreRocker

    There is no Neill Cumpston. Bah humbug.

  • March 21, 2005, 1:24 a.m. CST

    Good luck getting any of THESE quotes on the dvd cover

    by SilentBob X

    By the way, anyone who says 'first' in any form? Is gay. Thank you

  • March 21, 2005, 1:25 a.m. CST

    Especially if it's written nearly 10 minutes after the real firs

    by Monkey Butler

  • March 21, 2005, 1:26 a.m. CST

    Here's yet another of NC's reviews where it's clear he hasn't ac

    by FrankDrebin

    It's okay if AICN wants to branch out into fiction, but there should be a separate column for it.

  • March 21, 2005, 1:29 a.m. CST

    Wow....summary and minimal analysis

    by Sweeper887

    If I wasn't already strapped for time by several papers, I would write a slightly more articulate and readable review of Sin City and submit it to Harry and the gang. But, as my luck would have it, I honestly don't have the time. What disappoints me about this review is that it is primarily plot summary and description... it doesn't really say much about the film itself. After viewing Sin City in a Minneapolis suburb on St. Patrick's Day, I would have to say that Sin City is to 2005 as Citizen Kane was to 1941. Neither film was (or will be) praised for its plot -- while the plots of both films are great, they are not what actually makes the FILMS great. No, much like with Citizen Kane, the greatness of Sin City comes from its innovation in its visual style. This is the future of genre filmmaking, ladies and gentlemen! Robert Rodriguez has created a visual feast for the eyes and soul -- and for each viewer, the film will own both. No doubt about that. It was absolutely amazing.

  • March 21, 2005, 1:31 a.m. CST

    Rodriguez says he'd be willing to make a sequel (if this one doe

    by FrankDrebin

    http://www.comingsoon.net/news/topnews.php?id=8852

  • March 21, 2005, 1:33 a.m. CST

    I Pissed Myself

    by DoogieHowitzer

    This guy needs to put out a book of reviews - I would pay $20 no questions asked......too fucking funny for words. Also - can't WAIT to see this damned movie.

  • March 21, 2005, 1:38 a.m. CST

    Sweeper, you clueless tool.

    by Virgil Hilts

    Neil Cumpston is on of the funniest motherfuckers who ever lived.

  • March 21, 2005, 1:40 a.m. CST

    Tool?

    by Sweeper887

    Virgil, I guess that I would have to actually have one before being one, eh? Maybe I just appreciate a little bit about the film itself in clearly written language instead of 'that chick from 25th hour', etc. Not that I don't appreciate some good humor now and again, but this review says very little of substance about the film.

  • March 21, 2005, 1:49 a.m. CST

    Yes, you too can create a review like this..

    by NiceMarmot

    Simply eat a box of crayons and refer to the actors not by name, but by whatever other movies they have made - not once, not twice, but eighteen times. This guy is no Vern.

  • March 21, 2005, 1:52 a.m. CST

    Great. As a film reviewer I feel totally redudant. I tip my hat,

    by Latauro

  • March 21, 2005, 1:59 a.m. CST

    Folks, there's no need to fight. This isn't a review. It's an

    by FrankDrebin

    There's "very little of substance about the film" because this is nothing but a stand-up comedy act. He can't comment on the quality of the filmmaking, because he didn't see it. He says nothing about whether the music score is appropriate, whether there's a clever title sequence, whether the touches of color and cartoon effects are used continuously or just now and then, whether the digital backgrounds are convincing, whether the dialog captures the style of the books, whether the heavy makeup is distracting, whether any of the actors go overboard with their characters, whether it has an open ending that might lead to a sequel, etc. He's just pulling some of the plot points from other reviews and adding his masturbation jokes.

  • March 21, 2005, 2:05 a.m. CST

    Carla Gugino

    by jocutus

    I saw a cover of a recent Wonder Woman comic where the artist basically painted her as Carla wearing a red dress at a party or something. Is this woman in the running for the movie? She was real nice in Karen Sisco. Is there a DVD for that out yet? Also, I can't believe people are asking for serious film criticism from NC. His review for one of the LotR movies had me rolling - Rudy, Fredo and Magneto, etc. Good stuff.

  • March 21, 2005, 2:16 a.m. CST

    Answering Specific Questions

    by Sweeper887

    Maybe you are right, Frank. But, I can at least offer my own view on a few of your questions. There is a rather clever transition to the title of the film -- there is a shot of the cityscape, pulling back into the words Sin City, which quickly transform from buildings into the red colored font known so well to readers of the novels. The touches of color...well, I thought that they were rather appropriately done. On a technical note, the film was shot on color stock and the color was removed later (it's a HELL of a lot cheaper to remove the color than to put color into black and white film stock). A bit of color here and there just to emphasize the blood, a dress, someone's hair color, etc. worked quite effectively thoughout the film. The cartoon effects (or comic effects as I would probably refer to them) were used a bit more often than the colorization -- the film is, after all, a telling of a graphic novel, and I felt that the switching between live action and the comic effect enhanced the film -- it really felt like a live-action comic, sans the cheesiness of prior attempts at this style. Regarding the authencity of the dialogue, I am a bit ashamed to say that I have not read the source material, but the dialogue had a very film noir feel to it, while at the same time, adding a rather witty sense of humor to the film that is rarely found in any 'true' noir film. There were some great one-liners in the film. Without going into major spoilers, the ending itself is open-ended (as in there are many stories in Sin City), but I will say that there are a few characters that won't be coming back for a sequel, provided that the film doesn't tank and Rodriquez makes a second film. I hope that this answers a few of your questions.

  • March 21, 2005, 2:29 a.m. CST

    I will never, ever read a single word written by this goofball

    by AlwaysThere

    That kid needs to lay off the sugar. My God...let someone lock him up.

  • March 21, 2005, 3:49 a.m. CST

    Sweeper887

    by SPEEDRAZOR

    Dude, you do realise there was no actual film stock used on this movie right? what with it being a pioneering work for digital video and all. you know this right?

  • March 21, 2005, 4:19 a.m. CST

    The three levels will become a new standard for me personally

    by moviemaniac-7

    Brilliant. Write more!

  • March 21, 2005, 4:47 a.m. CST

    Did somebody just walk on my grave?

    by Vern

    just got a weird feeling is all

  • March 21, 2005, 4:59 a.m. CST

    No surprise that RR is willing to do a sequel

    by Gheorghe Zamfir

    Has he made a film that has NOT had a sequel? But if there is a sequel what are the chances he could pull off a cast like this again?

  • March 21, 2005, 5:52 a.m. CST

    Well is seems pretty obvious

    by Fuzhi

    that if Sin City does well at the Box Office, Rodriguez will be able to get a great cast again - and will be interested in making a sequel. But if it tanks at the Box Office he will only be able to make it direct to dvd / or limited release, with mostly unknown cast, which he wont be intested in.

  • March 21, 2005, 6:07 a.m. CST

    QUIERO LA CABEZA DE ALFREDO GARCIA, Quentin...

    by CuervoJones

  • March 21, 2005, 7:19 a.m. CST

    Complaints are sooo Original

    by Redbox

    Look, we all know by now, this guy is an acquired taste. I read heavy duty film criticism and I think he's brilliant. Its just fucking funny shit! But for someone to complain about him, with all the other reviews for this movie on this site, and then use their complaints of this guy's review as a platform to try to pull attention to their own boring review, is just sad. It's sad in that "making love with your vacuum cleaner" kind of way. Send your reviews to Harry, or put them in the regular talkback, this isn't a place for you. And please, will you remember you don't like this guy so I don't have to read your boring opinion next time I read a Neil review. Cheers!

  • March 21, 2005, 7:34 a.m. CST

    This is why the internet sucks

    by Fearsme

    "Jessica Alba comes onscreen and makes your dick want to drive a chicken truck into a school of retards". This might be mildly amusing if it was just a dumbass writing a review, but this whole thing feels like a guy trying to sound like Maddox. I dont even know why i clicked this review. I was more interested in Sin City than Neil's sad attempt at sounding cool. It makes me miss the refinement of plant reviews.

  • March 21, 2005, 8:50 a.m. CST

    Neil: Need a Website?

    by GrammarPolice

    Dear Neil, I'm a web designer, and I think we could collectively "knock one out of the park" if we joined forces. I would love to create a website dedicated to humorous movie reviews, and I think you'd be the ultimate choice to head up these efforts. Imagine, getting press passes to SXSW, gaining access to the movie elite, and then asking them, "What was it like to bleed jizz?" Oh, and to all these Talkbackers who don't think he's funny, you need to check for a pulse. It may be a stand-up act, and it very well might be written by one of our esteemed AICN writers, but it is genius.

  • March 21, 2005, 8:53 a.m. CST

    Oh, and if you don't like Neil, you definitely won't get this:

    by GrammarPolice

    http://www.realultimatepower.net/

  • March 21, 2005, 8:59 a.m. CST

    Is this guy in middle school?

    by Nozoki

    Sure seems like it.

  • March 21, 2005, 8:59 a.m. CST

    That ninja site...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...is the funniest thing I've seen in ages.

  • March 21, 2005, 9:09 a.m. CST

    Real Ultimate Power

    by GrammarPolice

    Yeah, I pop in to read the hate mail every so often. He has another site that cracks me up, too: internetmammogram.net

  • March 21, 2005, 9:10 a.m. CST

    Digital film

    by Sweeper887

    I guess that my above comments make me look like a poser and quite a bit of an ass. I guess I will just have to deal with stupid comments that I made while being a little too 'high' and mighty at 1:30 AM. Oh well. I made an assumption about there actually being film stock, and since there is only one way to create that effect using actual film (flaking that digital filmmaking is the wave of the future), I spoke w/o thinking. But, that still doesn't change the fact that Rodriguez used every amazing trick in the book in order to give this film it's amazing feel and that it is visually what Citizen Kane was for 1941.

  • March 21, 2005, 9:11 a.m. CST

    Quite possibly the best reviewer you have on your site Harry!

    by Darth Sticky

    Neill:Awesome Reviews::Chelsea Charms:Outrageously Oversized Titties!! Fuckin' Shit man! Fuckin' Shit!

  • March 21, 2005, 9:32 a.m. CST

    NC RULES!

    by chrth

    Fuck stupid Mongo review. Get this man a job with the fat one (take your pick, doesn't anyone reviewing movies work out?)

  • March 21, 2005, 9:34 a.m. CST

    now THAT'S a tagline!

    by Hud

    "I wanted to fuck everything in this movie

  • March 21, 2005, 9:37 a.m. CST

    "Camed" In His Pants

    by Karl Childers

    That's one picture I don't care to see.

  • March 21, 2005, 10:08 a.m. CST

    Yup.

    by Duck of Death

    Like the other guy said, Cumpston is funny if you've never read Maddox. Otherwise it's sort of like Maddox, if Maddox forgot how to be funny and compensated with poopy jokes.

  • March 21, 2005, 11:14 a.m. CST

    Cumpston Comes Alive

    by Boxcutter

    Leave the man/boy/mutant Neill alone. This is geek juice at its purest. Lovely, lovely stuff. And if it helps this movie make some $, why not? Danger is: this baby will die because of the release date and the poor conventional publicity they're peddling.

  • March 21, 2005, 11:27 a.m. CST

    So will this film only appeal to fanboys?

    by viola123

    Thanks for the review. It sounds like this is a movie that will be appreciated, but only by those who "get it". I suppose that's what fans want though. They don't want a watered-down version to appease the masses, but a faithful adaptation for the book's readers (or those familiar with the work or works like it). I don't know, just judging by the reviews, it is either something you get (really get) or you don't.

  • March 21, 2005, 11:51 a.m. CST

    I find it fascinating that there are still douchebags who feel t

    by Mr. Waturi

    This is Neill's 6th or 7th "review." If you don't like them, STOP READING THEM you humorless assholes.

  • March 21, 2005, 12:12 p.m. CST

    Sweeper:

    by Tacodave

    Nobody cares about your lame "this is like Citizen Kane" reference. You think your review is genius, we just think it's moronic. Stop posting.

  • March 21, 2005, 12:12 p.m. CST

    That was an awful review

    by InZodWeTrust

    I can't wait to see the movie though :) Rosario Dawson looks freakin good.

  • March 21, 2005, 12:24 p.m. CST

    Cumpston

    by Mafu

    Cumpston wrote, "What

  • March 21, 2005, 12:34 p.m. CST

    Neil Cumpston is Patton Oswalt people!!

    by nicola

    He let it slip once on his website when talking about Spiderman 2.

  • March 21, 2005, 12:50 p.m. CST

    You had me at "chicken truck"

    by Joe Cool #2

    That was over the top. You're a deranged human being, Cumpston. I like it.

  • March 21, 2005, 1:16 p.m. CST

    Neil should have his own website

    by Lost Skeleton

    Half the time...I don't understand a damn word he says but he has my read everytime "Matrix...kingdom of ass kicking!"

  • March 21, 2005, 1:40 p.m. CST

    Not Another PLANT!!!

    by cganimation

    Is this movie that BAD to have so many plants! Come on! This guy is trying so hard to come off like he's cool, it's so obvious a studio hack. Again and again, they keep missing the mark and underestimating the audience. Give me a break!

  • March 21, 2005, 2:13 p.m. CST

    Please Stop being so dull!!

    by Redbox

    Okay, fine. Those of you who have never read a Neill review: Go to the archive and read the others and get a feel for what he does. Notice his shtick. Realize this is done on purpose, whether or not he's as good as Mumford or whoever you read. Realize, that people who go back again and again to read his reviews think he's funny and don't care that you are a great reviewer or that you like Mannix more. Please God after all that realization sinks in, if you still feel the need to tell us how unsophisticated he is and how smart you are for noticing that he is dumb and potty mouthed, walk out of the rent's basement and go flag down the first large truck you see. Yes, that red one will do nicely. If he doesn't stop, don't take no for an answer, you get right out there and push that truck to a halt. If he does stop, lie down in front of the car and tell the driver something nice about his Mom. Either that or go back to your Hoover-loving, yer not appreciated here. Cheers! P.S. And try to limit the Orson Welles comparisons, we don't know that this is going to even slightly compare to Touch of Evil or The Lady from Shanghi or The Magnificent Andersons or Kane or even Carol Reed's The Third Man, which, in my opinion, is an even better film than Kane. Harry Lime is the best villain of all time!!

  • March 21, 2005, 2:40 p.m. CST

    I'm dying

    by Creflo A. Dollar

    makes your dick want to drive a chicken truck into a burning retard school. Totally twisted. I like the way this guy thinks.

  • March 21, 2005, 2:53 p.m. CST

    Impatiently waiting

    by Mr_Furious

    for Neill's online film theory course. Either that or him sitting across the aisle from Ebert. www.theletterd.blogspot.com

  • March 21, 2005, 2:58 p.m. CST

    Still laughing....

    by Ninja Nerd

    ...at this line in NC's review: "...a fireman and a stripper with an alligator head have a hammer fight..." I'd buy that for a dollar!

  • It's never rehashed and it's never boring.

  • March 21, 2005, 3:38 p.m. CST

    pathetic

    by the flashlight

    this was by far Cuntston's weakest effort. Nowhere near his first, and still best, review of X2.

  • March 21, 2005, 3:41 p.m. CST

    The phrase...

    by BlackBeltJones

    "makes your dick want to drive a chicken truck into a burning retard school" is the next "sexiest beanpole on the planet", "bomb in ribcage", "has a beer and cheats on his wife" phrase on AICN. Can't wait to see it worked into the rotation. Neil may not be the best reviewer, but damned if he get me into the seats after reading one of his reviews. Great stuff man, but you need to get out of the basement more often for reviews. The summer movies will be here soon, and I will need reviews to get me in the theater.

  • March 21, 2005, 6:59 p.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston's Identity

    by DAS JANKE

    is he Maddox? Has this been discussed? Cuz he reads like maddox (who loved the crap out of dawn of the dead)... eh. anyway, this movie is going to suck. like big time. i love robert rodriguez so much i almost wrote "love" as "luv" but decided not to in order to sound more like i was talking about his work, but i don't see this as being anything more than a second-tier league of extraordinary gentlesuck. of course, carla gugino's nipples will get me in that seat... but i like the lesbo makeout scene in center of the world anyway, so whatever.

  • Right On! Neill

  • March 21, 2005, 9:05 p.m. CST

    Well, it's not to say they read the SAME,

    by DAS JANKE

    but i think there are some definite similarities. http://maddox.xmission.com/

  • March 23, 2005, 1:04 a.m. CST

    click here to see carla gugino nude from 'sin city'

    by Snake Pliskin

    http://www.celebritymoviearchive.com/tour/movie.php/10662

  • March 23, 2005, 2:44 a.m. CST

    Neil Cumpston???

    by Blok Narpin

    Is Neil Cumpston really Patton Oswalt?? I kind of get the impression that it might be Patton Oswalt writing these reviews.

  • March 23, 2005, 8:33 a.m. CST

    I'm not sure which is funnier - the review, or you helpless lose

    by WeedyMcSmokey

    I don't care if it's Patton Oswalt, Moriarty or the Man in the Fucking Moon - that is inspired shit.

  • March 23, 2005, 8:45 a.m. CST

    Superiority??

    by Blok Narpin

    What the fuck are you talking about, Weedy? I asked if it's Patton Oswalt. I never said I was superior to him. That doesn't make any fucking sense.

  • March 23, 2005, 9:16 a.m. CST

    man oh man

    by lopan

    "batman all pissed off" man that review was fucking priceless just for that little tidbit. i pity the poor humorless fucks who can't just appreciate neill's reviews for being hilarious. who cares if he actually saw the movie? i;m laughing my arse off...

  • March 23, 2005, 12:37 p.m. CST

    this guy is henry miller as a sugary happy meal,

    by doc_manhattan

    and I mean it as a compliment! damn, only at aicn..

  • March 23, 2005, 4:13 p.m. CST

    Blok Narpin

    by WeedyMcSmokey

    I didn't mean you. But cheers for caring.

  • March 24, 2005, 11:57 a.m. CST

    You had me until the DAWN OF THE DEAD thing

    by geekzapoppin

    I still enjoy the hell out of a meaty Cumpston review, but anyone who thought that the heartless, scareless, mindless turd that was the recent DAWN OF THE DEAD was better than, well, anything save an advanced case of the clap needs his head examined. That being said, fine review as always.