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Mr. Beaks rips THE LONGEST YARD to itty-bitty shreds before urinating on it. I wonder if he liked it'
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with a vicious little review from our main man with a dictionary in his hand, Mr. Beaks. He's usually a little bit of a coquette with good lookin' gents like Adam Sandler... but then again, I think it's easy to see why Beaks is so loyal to the original... No one beats Burt Reynolds in his heyday. No one. He is the sweatiest of all Gods and it's easy to see why there's an orgasmic twinkle in Beaks' eyes whenever you bring up WHITE LIGHTNING or DELIVERANCE. Enjoy the review!
Memo to Brad Grey and the other newly anointed muckety-mucks at Paramount: you’re going to make mayhem on Memorial Day weekend this year with your Adam Sandler toplining remake of THE LONGEST YARD. The young, multi-cultural audience with which I saw the film last Friday received the film as if it was the defining motion picture of their lifetime. They laughed, they cheered… hell, I even heard some phenomenally sorry sap whimpering during the burial of one of the picture’s supporting characters. Considering that the biggest laughs are all in the trailer, you would appear to have that crucial 19-35 demographic on lockdown, with only the second weekend of EPISODE III: SCARY HAPPENIN’S and Dreamworks Animation’s latest likely abomination, MADAGASCAR, to siphon off customers. Provided you don’t shank the marketing, a $60 million four-day should be well within reach.
I’m conceding all of the above just to let *you* know that *I* know it doesn’t matter what I say about this stubbornly unimaginative piece of shit. No matter how offended I am that you closely hewed to Sheldon V. Turner’s cut-and-paste job of Tracy Keenan Wynn’s screenplay that I eviscerated RIGHT HERE a year ago, it was pretty obvious even then that this was never intended to appeal to anyone with a fondness for Robert Aldrich’s original. Rather, it’s a movie made by a very rich and very powerful movie star who wanted to make believe he’s Burt Reynolds on the studio’s dime, and didn’t want to work too terribly hard to tailor the project to his sensibility. To that end, all is triumph.
That said, though Sandler’s popular sensibility may owe a great deal to the rowdy and vulgar sports flicks of the 70’s like THE LONGEST YARD, SLAP SHOT and CADDYSHACK, this is the first time I can recall that anyone has had the temerity to remake one of these classics with such lazy slavishness (thankfully, the opposite is being done on Richard Linklater’s very promising THE BAD NEWS BEARS). While I’ll assume Sandler’s heart was in the right place – it must’ve been, since he finagled the participation of surly old Burt Reynolds, who’s now in the Michael Conrad role – what he’s done here is dishonest. At least Gus Van Sant was attempting some misguided postmodern gesture with his shot-for-shot PSYCHO retread; Sandler and company are brazenly gambling that most of today’s teenagers and twentysomethings haven’t even heard of the Aldrich flick; thus, allowing them to purloin each memorable bit with impunity, their looming box office windfall assuaging their guilty consciences.
The greatest surprise is how successfully Sandler’s indomitable affableness counteracts the preposterousness of his playing an ex-NFL stud quarterback. This is the meager, but valuable virtue that keeps the film from tumbling toward true debacle status. A bit beefier than normal, Sandler imbues his Paul Crewe with the same shuffling, head-down, half-grinning charm that’s been his bread-and-butter over the last several movies, and it works given the unremitting burden of shame that’s dogged Crewe since he earned a lifetime ban from the league for throwing a game several years earlier. Fed up with his social climbing girlfriend (a Courtney Cox cameo notable for a cleavage shot so egregious, I bet it was storyboarded), Crewe takes a drunken, GTA-esque spin through downtown San Diego which leads to his improbable incarceration in a Texas penitentiary, where he’s bribed by the football obsessed warden into coaching an inmates’ team in a scrimmage against the guards.
The casting of James Cromwell as the warden is a curious choice; he’s got a wicked height advantage on Sandler that leads to plenty of awkward framing and makes it impossible for the star to appear intimidating in the manner Reynolds was to Eddie Albert. The guards are well-cast, however, with William Fichtner calling the shots, backed up by a mixture of football and wrestling greats including Bill Romanowski, Kevin Nash, Steve Austin and the only name that really matters, Brian Bosworth. They all get their licks in on Sandler, who absorbs their worst with superhuman resilience.
Chris Rock heads up the inmates roster as Caretaker, and continues his string of alarmingly unfunny film performances spiked with tired adlibs. He’s outdone in the acting department by Reynolds, Michael Irving and (this is gonna hurt) Nelly, and demolished in the comedy department by Terry Crews as Cheeseburger Eddie, a scrounger with a magical flair for smuggling an unending supply of McDonalds into the joint. Tracy Morgan also turns up as the cross-dressing leader of the prison sisters, but aside from some uncomfortable innuendo with Nicholas Turturro, he’s not given much to do.
Director Peter Segal struggles throughout to strike a consistent tone, and he’s hamstrung by (I’m guessing) Sandler’s insistence to incorporate most of the major beats from the much rougher Aldrich film into what is otherwise your typically broad Adam Sandler comedy. These sensibilities do not mesh in the slightest. For example, in HAPPY GILMORE, the dispatching of Carl Weather’s mentor figure was played for mean-spirited laughs; in THE LONGEST YARD, a similar moment is played comparatively straight-faced, and it’s horribly incongruous.
As for the game, it’s brought off with suitable bone crunching intensity (hooray for second unit!), but it’s a depressing spectacle for anyone who knows and loves the original movie, particularly since this it’s a tame PG-13 reproduction with not a single f-bomb in earshot (though they did improve slightly on the script’s inane “I broke his freakin’ neck”, I must confess that “I think I made him shit himself” still isn’t all that funny despite my audience’s howled approval). There are embellishments – e.g. Chris Berman, teamed with a laconic Native American convict, broadcasts for ESPN – but they’re neither inventive nor funny; indeed, everyone seem too enamored of the original’s efficiency to bother messing with what’s worked once before. By the time the final walk to pick up the game ball is staged with predictable fidelity, the film’s failure of imagination is complete.
Though the studio and filmmakers are positioned to reap a small fortune with this picture, no one should be proud of this dubious, hopefully one-time accomplishment. The remake craze is already a pernicious manifestation of this town’s creative bankruptcy; there’s hardly a need to resort to outright theft. However, if y’all are in this make believe Burt Reynolds market for good, how’s about casting Ben Affleck in SHAMUS? Or Matthew McConaughey in W.W. AND THE DIXIE DANCEKINGS? Or Shawn Kemp in PATERNITY? Ridiculous notions, to be sure, but a perfect fit, I think, for such a contemptuous methodology.
Faithfully submitted,
P.S. While I’ve got your ear, I’d like to give a shout-out to a small, under-promoted indie called FABLED, which opens in Los Angeles today at the Beverly Center. After debuting at the 2002 Austin Film Festival, the picture struggled to get released despite a terrific central performance from Desmond Askew, probably best known as the scene stealing, Tantra practicing Simon from GO, and sharp visual composition from first-time filmmaker Ari Kirschenbaum. It’s moody, atmospheric stuff. Check it out.
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Endelig en fyr som siger sin mening. Tror filmen er sjov, men den tager nok ikke skade af en video/DVD seeing
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I think this is the second review of Longest Yard posted on the site. The first one was an all out rave and this one is the opposite. I guess I'll judge for myself. "The young, multi-cultural audience with which I saw the film last Friday received the film as if it was the defining motion picture of their lifetime. They laughed, they cheered
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Mar 11, 2005 6:12:01 AM CST
Come on Mr.Beaks, don't be shy, tell us what you really think.
by big_bubbaloola
Good god, talk about ripping into a movie!! The venom was almost pouring out of my screen!
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'Cuz you just *know* that Chris Rock in flames is gonna make for some pretty salty cussin'...
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You don't. But then, you don't see short out of shape 40ish men playing pro football either so I guess that is par for the course.
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That's a shock. Are we supposed to believe that Sandler is a former pro quarterback? I'm all about the willing suspension of disbelief, but this is kind of a stretch.
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Hollywood no longer has to make actually engaging films, original projects or, frankly, good movies. It just doesn't matter - people will go see tham no matter what, obstensibly to escape for two hours from their miserable lives, and they're not interested in film as anything more than a entertainment product - a visual Toys'r'us that they're entitled to. So it becomes a simple financial equation for the studios - Judging by ticket reciepts they're not often wrong. Thankfully there are alternatives. Just not a a theatre near you.
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In that if you've never seen the original, you'll probably enjoy it. If you have seen it, you'll be like I was watching MM: too busy noticing the differences & groaning at the sheer laziness of the rest to actually enjoy it. Anyone know what (if any) special features the new "Lockdown" edition dvd of the original will have? I'd love to see or hear some of the old interviews/stories Burt tells about the filming of it. Saw him once years ago on Roy Firestone's old ESPN show talking for a solid 30 minutes just on that one subject. It was pure f'n gold & probably funnier than anything that will be in the new version.
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...just for comparison's sake, but I don't think there was any need to remake this movie for an American audience (the British remake I can understand if not condone, since Hollywood seems to feel compelled to remake any good foreign film that comes to its attention). The original is a classic. My friends and I used to watch it on HBO and then go outside and play guards vs. cons (it was much more fun than when we played Deliverance - I never got to be Burt). I imagine this is exactly what motivated Sandler to make this movie. He never got to be Burt, either. Glad Hollywood could help him work through that issue at the expense of making, perhaps, an original film for a change?
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He would surely do better by trying something new, more along the lines of "Punch Drunk Love", rather than profaning the memories of classics like "The Longest Yard" and (even more so) "Mr. Deeds Goes to Washington".
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Mar 11, 2005 12:08:40 PM CST
I can't wait till the "Smokey & the Bandit" remake. THE ROCK is
by orionsangels
Tom Arnold as Sheriff Buford T. Justice!
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Mar 11, 2005 12:35:38 PM CST
I think they should remake Deliverance with Hulk Hogan as a hill
by lord shatner
"Squeal like a pig, brother"
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Mar 11, 2005 2:15:00 PM CST
After watching this movie, I sent Chris Rock a check for $80.00
by headless roland
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Mar 11, 2005 3:38:29 PM CST
Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott in a remake of "Semi-Toug
by tar heel
Or not. Hey, that was another good, bawdy 70's sports flick.
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I quite enjoyed it. I never saw the original. And I have a hard time stomaching Burt Reynolds in ANY role. It's not a "Sandler" movie, so it doesn't work to compare it to other Sandler movies. That being said, it's way better than Mr Deeds, 50 First Dates and the stupid one where he adopted the kid.
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Mar 11, 2005 3:44:21 PM CST
Heads up for Palhaco: Mr. Deeds went to town, Mr. Smith went to
by barry egan
But your point is well taken.
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"Sandler
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Mar 11, 2005 4:57:47 PM CST
What is this mention of "Mean Machine"? That wasn't the name of
by iamjacksuserid
It was an alternate title and was the name on Burt's jersey, but that's it.
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"Right now, we are going through a stage verging on devoid of talent." That's the craziest thing I've read since Harry's review of Unleashed. Look, I sympathize with you, but you have to remember something: Just because The Longest Yard is remade, it doesn't mean the entire film industry is lacking in talent. Tons of bad movies have been released every year since movies have been made. It's just that the really awful ones have been forgotten. Since we're around for all these steaming turds, and often read about their progress on the Internet, it feels worse than it is. I've seen plenty of great movies over the past 5-10 years, so perhaps you should ignore all the shit and realize there IS stuff out there worth seeing.
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I wish I had made that comment. Ironically, this flick will probably hit and give Chris Rock the chance to receive many more $80 checks (and I am a fan of CR, except in movies).
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what a twit!!!!
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I had a witty, swarmy comment to make, but I don't. What's next...Guess who's coming to dinner...oh wait, now it's Guess Who and the roles have been reversed and made into a "comedy" instead of the serious poignet study the first was...I will see this for one reason, Romo, even if he is a twit, I gots to support my Raiders...how sad am I?
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Mar 11, 2005 8:59:20 PM CST
Chill, Beaks. It just reflects the evolving sensiblity of Adam
by tall_boy
Snoogans.
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...No? How about Canteen Boy: The Motion Picture? What I'm saying is, Sandler is an annoying hack... Pan out.
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ROTS will kill it, among other things.
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Mar 11, 2005 11:37:40 PM CST
NEW RULE: Adam Sndler sucks. He's as funny as the gas chamber sc
by bill maher
Too bad it wasn't in a real prison, so someone could have shanked his sorry ass. Rappers, you have guns -USE THEM!
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I thought Burt's involvement suggested that the film would meet his approval. I really would love for Sandler to make a good comedy. I want to like him. I really do. Why does he make is so difficult?
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This was already in production before Brad Grey took over at Paramount, just to let you know.
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Sir, you are the target audience for this film! You've *never* seen the original? Did you wander on to this *movie* geek site by accident whilst surfing for "Jackass" out-takes?
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I agree that the quality of films has steadily declined. In his book "The Big Picture," William Goldman has a great arguement that pretty much proves that the films of the 50s were head and shoulders above the ones being cranked out today. One of the reasons people are complaining about he dullness of the Academy Awards and nominations in recent years is due to there being so few great films and performances that you can usually predict who will be nominated/win. There is no anticipation. And you are right to point out that the stars of today lack in comparison to the stars of the past. In fact, many of the actors and actresses who have made a commitment to making quality films or collaborating with quality filmmakers are routinely savaged on these talkbacks. However, I don't think it's fair to say that there are fewer talented people out there than there were in the 50s or the 70s. I think the problem is that those talented people are having more and more trouble breaking in to the industry. Most talented people are very creative and have a vision that the mainstream will have to catch up with. Think of the books and films that were flops in their day that do on to be lauded as classics now. There are probably thousands of actors/directors/writers with and exponentially greater amount of talent than Adam Sandler who are waiting tables or working at Starbucks right now. They can't catch a break. The 70s were some type of Bizzaro time where the studios let creative people run wild and look at the results. The cool thing about the 70s has always been that the audience went along for the ride. Would "The Godfather" be the box office smash today that is was in 1972, or would people complain that it was "slow" or "boring?" USA Today ran an interesting piece yesterday (3/11/05) about teenage girls flocking to see all these piece-of-shit horror films that have been forced on us in recent weeks. God help us when the majority of the films produced are geared around 14 year old girls. This would account for the lack of good films. This would account for Freddie Prinze, Jr and other non-talents making it in pictures while really talented people struggle to make a living. I'm astonished (and thankful) when a really talented actor like Paul Giamati can make it in the business despite being an average-looking guy. It's a shame that a guy like Sandler can't use his money and position to help boost the careers of people other than Rob Schneider and David Spade. Do you ever wonder if stars like Sandler even like movies in the first place? And if they do, what movies do they like?
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Mar 12, 2005 11:38:29 AM CST
Nerds get A life, or better yet build a Time machine and go back
by the founder
Seriously though, do some of you ever get tired? Who in their right frame of mind actually for even the breifest of a nano secong thought this movie was going to be a masterpiece??? Sandler has been out long enough and made enough movies that we all should know what type of movie to expect. The movie will be funny and forgetable, just like a lot of the 80's comedies that a lot of us grew up on, and guies what most them aren't classics and are forgotten.
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Mar 12, 2005 11:54:38 AM CST
What's up with all this love all of a sudden for Paul Giamatti??
by the founder
I've been noticing high praise of this man as of late on this site. Nothing against him, and he's a decent enough actor, but when did he become this oh so great actor all of a sudden? I finally saw the famed Sideways that a loot of people on this site b!tched about getting robbed at the Oscars, well guess what, the movie wasn't that d@mn good, in fact it was boring at times, with a few comedic moments in between. The only person who got robbed in that film of an Oscar was Thomas Haden Church for supporting actor. This man was the one who made the movie watchable, as well as the Asian chick. If you wanna b!tch about an actor that deserves a better career, then here's one, cause this guy has personality, is likable, funny, and can do drama. Giamatti isn't a huge star cause he not what Hollywood deems attractive, he's not a huge star cause he's boring. There are a few successful actors in hollywood that are just average looking guys, but they have personality or the american public connects with them, say like Adam Sandler or Chris Rock who also are average looking guys. Last i checked neither of them were on hollywood's list of hot and sexy celebrities and yet they have successful careers.
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Of course there was a fabled time when Michael Imperioli was Spider, period.
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This sounds utterly awful. How insulting to the legacy of a great film.
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I loved the original and will be seeing tyhis one. I don't hold the original in THAT much esteem that an update will make me a crying pussy...the only thing bugging me is the changing of the line "I think I broke his freakin' neck" that line WAS the original movie...meanwhile, I'll go give them my $8 and then come back here and laugh at the movie nerdlings pissing their pants about almost touching a girl's boob while they were camped out waiting for the next Star Wars abomination...
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Mar 12, 2005 6:29:09 PM CST
People tend to remember the good and forget aaaaallll the crap f
by reverendz
Yes there were some good movies in the 70's, but there was a LOT of junk. A LOT. Same holds true today, some great movies surrounded by all kinds of junk. Add to that fact that movie attendence is down due to DVD's and video games and it makes perfect sense. Studios can no longer afford to gamble on movies like they could when they were the only game in town.
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Does anybody really need to defend Paul Giamati at this point? If people are unfamiliar with his work, check out the following: "Private Parts," "Saving Private Ryan," "American Splendor," "Storytelling," "Man on the Moon," and "The Negotiator." He lends a touch of class to bad films like "Big Momma's House" and "Big Fat Liar." He is simply one of the best character actors working today. He was also robbed of an Oscar nomination for "Sideway." Furthermore, I really would question the taste of anybody who doesn't recognize "Sideways" for being the great film that it is. I think most moviegoers have been so badly bludgeoned by mind-numbing schlock that a simple story, well acted and well told is lost on them. As fars as the "good old days" are concerned, of course bad films have always been made and always will be made. The problem today is that the major studios have all been bought up by major corporations and are no longer run by creative people who understand the artistic process. (And yes, film is an art form.
Those who disagree should never visit a movie website again. Ever.) The studios want to make tentpole blockbusters that appeal to as many people as possible. They want to milk every dime they can out of a film that they view simply as product and nor art. I read this week that there are over 600 product lisences sold for the Fantastic Four movie alone. I saw "Be Cool" recenlty and it is the perfect example of product that is designed to appeal to every possible demographic and winds up appealing to nobody at all. Films have become so expensive to produce that the studios feel they can't risk making a film that doesn't appeal to the most people possible. The best films being made now are being made away from the reverse Midas touch of the big studios. I have no problem with big studio movies. When they are done well, they are a lot of fun and can be artistically enriching. Personally, I thought "Spider-Man 2" was one of the best films of the year and should have been nominated for Best Pictrue. Clearly, more great films were being made in decades past. -
Personally, I'd rather eat my shit than see a remake of "The Longest Yard" and I imagine the old Mad magazine parody is a helluva lot funnier. I hope they never do a remake of "North Dallas Forty" with Will Smith in the Nick Nolte role, but they probably will. Oh, and what's the big deal about "Sideways"? It was pretty damn boring and the Thomas Hayden Church was just a retard. Talk about over-hyped... at least it was good to see Virginia Madsen again.
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Mar 13, 2005 9:53:49 AM CST
G-man: States often lease prison space elsewhere. No law says yo
by frankdrebin
On the subject of decling film quality, I wish I could remember who recently said something like, "Quality costs money." The studios' goal is to get you into the theater, not create lasting art. They get better results putting their money into marketing than hiring the best. Also, when dumb teens flock to Adam Sandler films, then Adam Sandler is going to call the shots, and Adam Sandler wouldn't know Ernest Lehman from Ernest Saves Christmas.
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Mar 13, 2005 10:03:20 AM CST
A postscript to my last post (a postpostscript, if you will)
by frankdrebin
We're picking on Hollywood, but I don't think ANY industry isn't bottom-line oriented these days. Why does the food suck at the mall? Why won't HMO's give patients a full spectrum of tests? Why did Bruce Willis hire Florent Siri for "Hostage" instead of Ridley Scott? A:Quality costs money.
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In my native language, "decling"="declining". 'Scuzie!
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