I am – Hercules!!

Harry Knowles, in his heart, loves these Cartoon Network diversions better than the movie prequels. Here’s what’s on deck:

Here's a blow by blow of the first episode of the new season of Clone Wars. Suffice to say - its amazing. If you post this, use my alias - Cru Jones.

The episode begins with quick shots of ARC Troopers on their Attack Gunship gearing up for war, Rambo style. They are undetected as they approach the droid perimeter. After throwing out a few bombs, they run over some Super Battle Droids, alerting the enemy to their presence. The troopers dismount, some with HUGE ASS guns that are more T2 or Doom than Star Wars, and walk in on Ki-Adi Mundi fighting General Grievous. They unload on Grievous with everything they have (including the Gunship) but, despite the reservations of Mundi, are forced to leave him to save the ailing Jedi (Shaak-Ti and Aayla Secura) These are the only two Jedi left from the Episode 20 massacre. Grievous picks up a lightsaber, puts it on his belt, and as the Troopers clear a path thru the droids to escape, Grievous warns them. “Run Jedi Run, you have only prolonged the inevitable.”

Next, we see Jake Lloyd age Anakin with Qui Gon. They have much the same discussion that Yoda and Luke have in Empire before going into the tree to face his fears. “Control you fear,” Qui Gon says, “You are The Chosen One.” The scene appears to be a Yoda’s dream and he’s not pleased.

Wipe to the Jedi Council talking about the threat of Grievous. “This General Grievous is changing the shape of the war,” Mace Windu says. Because of the huge loss of Jedi Knights, Obi Wan (now on the Council) suggests they forgo the Jedi trails and promote Anakin to Knight. This is met with mixed opinion from the Council as they debate the pros and cons of Anakin’s talents. All of your favorites are represented (Kit Fisto, Adi Gallia etc. Even a new crazy one that Yoda names but I definitely can’t spell.) Obi Wan presents a strong argument however and Yoda overrules. “Unorthodox young Skywalker’s career has been. So too will be his trials. Trust in the Force, I do. A Knight, he shall be”

We cut to Anakin walking among the masses in the streets of Coruscant. He’s being followed by a black hooded figure. A quick Jedi move and a flick of the lightsaber in a dark alley reveals the figure to be Padme. They kiss, “Across the Stars” plays. They discuss the problems their marriage poses. “We knew it would be like this, perhaps things can change after the war,” she says. Smooth pimp Ani says that she looks really good in the dark and they make out again. Their embrace is interrupted by the predictable ravings of C-3P0 who, surprise surprise, now has his gold plates. He shows them to Ani in an almost erotic scene. “In the service of a senator, one must be presentable,” he says. Anakin thinks it’s impressive. Most impressive. Obi Wan calls Anakin on behalf of the Council and he has to leave.

Unfortunately, he shows up late. Anakin, fed up with being called a boy says to Obi Wan, “As far as wisdom goes, you’re no Qui Gon Jinn.” Obi Wan is surprised but agrees. “Not a day goes by I don’t look to his guidance,” he says. The big surprise, however, is for Anakin.

Obi Wan scurries him into a dark room, which becomes illuminated by the lightsabers of the Jedi Council. He smiles. Yoda says, “By the right of the Council, by the will of The Force, dub thee I do, Jedi, Knight of the Republic” and chops off his Padawan tail. Wipe to 3P0 bringing the tail to Padme who places it in a box with the necklace Ani gave her in Episode 1 as a slight refrain from the Imperial March plays.

As a gift, Padme gives Ani R2D2, via hologram. R2 is loaded into Anakin’s Starfighter and he ascends away from Coruscant, “Across the Stars” swells again, and we cut.

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