Cool News
Dark Piranha Has Seen SUPER BOWL XXXIX!!!!
SPOILER ALERT !!
This has to be one of the cooler scoops Coaxial News has ever gotten. Sorry I waited so long to post it, but I had to call my bookie first. But check it: “Dark Pirahna” has seen the entire Super Bowl a full three days before it airs!!!
BEWARE GIGANTIC SPOILAGE!!!
Hey Herc, Dark Piranha here. Long time first time. (Actually that’s not true.. back in 1998 I posted a spoiler about The Phantom Menace and no one believed me and I got flamed really bad but I was vindicated because my sources were real and accurate, but that’s another story.) (but you don’t have to put that link in there if you post this story.)
Hey Herc, Dark Piranha here. Long time, first time, etc.
I haven’t seen it posted on your site or anywhere else yet, so I thought I’d chime in with the first review of the rough cut of the Superbowl that will be airing this Sunday.
The short take, it’s awesome! They’ve learned from previous Superbowls and have made this one filled with tension almost from beginning to end. However, they still have a lot of work to do before it airs this weekend. In the tradition of your usual reviews, I’ll go into a longer take as follows.
Super Bowl 39.1 FAQ
What’s it called?
Superbowl XXXIX “Patriots vs Eagles”
Who’s responsible?
Fox Sports
What does TV Guide say?
“It’s a football game.”
Is there another “wardrobe malfunction?”
Unfortunately not this year. However, if you look closely in the background during the post-game interviews from the Eagles locker room, you can see what looks mysteriously like a shiny white butt.
Is the game any good?
Yes! It’s one of the most exciting games in recent memory, Superbowl or otherwise. A grand total of EIGHTY-TWO points is scored, with the winner being decided by three points!
Three points?!?
Yes! It’s a field goal… in overtime!
What’s good?
Terrell Owens catching three touchdowns, including the game-tying touchdown as regulation time came to an end. Also good is Corey Dillon breaking the record for rushing yards in a Superbowl with 245 yards. Also, there were only two punts the entire game, and one turnover (Tom Brady threw an interception late in the fourth quarter that allowed the Eagles one last chance to tie the game).
What’s not so good?
Wide Receiver Freddie Mitchell knocked out and knocked out of the game on the Eagles’ first series. However, this was good in the end because it forced T.O. to play a bit more than he was initially intending. Also not good was Paul McCartney’s microphone feedback during the halftime show.
What’s left to be done before it airs?
There were still a lot of unfinished effects, especially the yellow first down lines. They only had those completed through the first quarter. There are also a few continuity errors that need to be fixed, such as Deion Branch catching the ball from one angle, and when the camera switches, it’s David Givens running for the first down. Also, a few errors where the down markers or yard line indicators don’t match up from scene to scene. But most importantly, there needs to be a lot of tightening in the editing over the last quarter. There’s a LOT of action in the fourth quarter, and at times it gets very confusing who’s doing what. But it’s all stuff that can easily be fixed before airtime.
How was the halftime show?
If you need to ask, you have no business calling yourself a geek. More precisely, if you WATCHED the halftime show, you have no business calling yourself a geek. (okay.. so we watched to see if Gretchen Wilson would have a wardrobe malfunction… but no luck)
How does it end, spoiler-boy?
Eagles 42, Patriots 39 in overtime.
“Dark Pirahna’s rating for “Super Bowl” XXXIX?
*****
The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:
***** better than we deserve
**** better than most motion pictures
*** actually worth your valuable time
** as horrible as most stuff on TV
* makes you quietly pray for bulletins 5:30 p.m. Sunday. Fox.
Looking for bumper stickers, plush toys and girls’ underwear covered with cute cartoon double-amputees? Visit The Herc Store!
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Can you imagine what would happen if this actually turned out to be true? Hopefully Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd will set things right.
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I got this off of bittorrent back in October and it wasn't so great. Herc, you should change the name of this site to Ain't It Old News, because it JUMPED THE SHARK!!! LOL! Don't got there! Talk to the hand! Too much information!
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The Patriots are down by seven points in the last quarter, and then, Hulk Hogan comes out and scores a touchdown!!!!
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Feb 04, 2005 2:52:26 AM CST
If the Patriots are playing, you can bet the game can be predict
by jules windex
I hate Tom Brady. Shtooping Bridget Moynahan, more super bowls rings than Marino, Tarkenton, Favre, McNair and Manning combined. Not fair!
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...and cheats on Nicollette Sheridan.
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assholes.
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Anthony Hopkins? Edward-James Olmos? Bruce Campbell? WHO??? DAMMIT!!!!!!
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Feb 04, 2005 4:12:39 AM CST
Wait, how can you have two scores 3 points apart that add up to
by zeroc
This review is full of lies!
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Feb 04, 2005 4:30:07 AM CST
Seriously, the 20 seconds of my life it took me to skim that stu
by grabthars_hammer
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to make a comment about a warbrobe malfunction involving hopping Mrs McCartney.Ok I won't do it then(you know bad karma and all that).
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Feb 04, 2005 7:57:43 AM CST
Isn't this already available for download on Bittorrent?
by prof. pop-cult
What's the big deal?
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This article was totally sent in by the studio. Fox is so shameless. I'd they'd have given "Firefly" this much attention, it'd never been cancelled, the bastards. JOSH WHELDON ROOLZ!!!!!!111
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...kinda stole your joke and ran with it there.
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I am leaving work right now to take out my life savings and head to Vegas. This is a sucker's bet, and I will make tons of money if the ending stays true to form, I hope the director stays true to form and does not tinker with the ending.
Also, I heard that Jack Bauer is the referee to stop the terrorist like attack that will happen if the Eagles actually win. The city of brotherly love will burn in an Iraqi type celebration. Like in the Last Boyscout, he will start shooting during play. Aint life a bitch? -
And most importantly, is Hulk Hogan starring in it?
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Feb 04, 2005 9:26:47 AM CST
Somebody needs to check their math. 42+39 doesn't equal 82.
by chastain-86
Entertaining nonetheless. And I'm probably one of only a handful of nerdos that come here that's actually going to watch the game. The rest of you will be downloading hentai and watching for Budweiser commercials out of the corner of one eye.
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What questions are still unanswered after 39 Superbowls? The original was great but damn has this franchise been run into the ground. I mean really, how many times do we need to see them run up and down the field? It gets repetitive people. The only thing keeping this thing on the air is the merchandising money brings in. Tail wagging the dog if you ask me. Give it a rest for five years and then come back with somthing new and fresh, not the same old same old.
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great comedy like this is always appreciated
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Sorry, had to add to the AICN cliches.
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Don't you mean wooden leg malfunction?
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What with the tape delaying and all.
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Those of us in New England already knew this, because NESN showed the game last night. It was broadcast directly from Bill Belichick's brain.
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Feb 04, 2005 11:37:36 AM CST
Just to keep the nerdfest going... what do they award .5 points
by diskatopia
I mean, since the score will be 42.5 to 39.5 ... .
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Good one Herc.
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Feb 04, 2005 12:06:07 PM CST
Keep a look out for the moment when Travolta's career officially
by mortsleam
You'll know it when you see it. And when you do, you can blame your friendly neighborhood Walrus. As the halftime show's former songwriting partner used to say, Goo-Goo g'Joob, muthafuckas.
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What's Andy Reid directed that's any good? I heard they had to get Carrie Fisher to punch up the play calling. The suits look just like the ones the Patriots wore in their last Superbowl. I heard Jennifer Garner is setting the point spread! She's not Jimmy the Greek... Why can't they just make it exactly like the regular season, yet offer something new and not conform too slavishly to the regular season's rules? Plus I think Belichik is gay, so he'll use mostly gay players (who will also be too
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what I was saying... (.....too young for the SUPERbowl). I'm the world's biggest fan of the Superbowl, but I know for a fact that this will suck. Why can't the NFL come up with something original instead? I'll still watch it though, and buy all the action figures.
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Terrell limps off the field after one quarter... Patriots absolutely demolish the Eagles.
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That was actually pretty funny.
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Because if it was ... Fox would cancel the Super Bowl midway through the third quarter because of low ratings and fans would be forced to wait three years for the Super Bowl Movie to have all the loose ends tied up.
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Feb 04, 2005 12:57:57 PM CST
Very clever, but this is obviously the work of a plant. :- )
by darthcorleone
It's impossible for two teams to total 82 points and have a difference of three.
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I would've chosen the Kansas City Chiefs for the leading role and the Green Bay Packers as the hapless victims.
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Has a beer, cheats on a dead raped deer who is a PLANT that is the sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet named Hulk Hogan brother!
GFY -
The 2006 Oscars suck. The 2007 World series will blow your fucking minds!
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We all know this.
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Yeah, right! Except, those choking bums got thoroughly THRASHED at home AGAIN in the AFC Title game, by the soon-to-be-World-Champion Patriots! 15-1 = MEANINGLESS if ya can't close the deal!! Cowher = biggest choker since Marv Levy! Hahahahaha!!! Oh, and the "review" sucked. Why is Tom Brady throwing the ball late in the game with a 7-point lead?!? Not likely...
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...except for the whole "getting-their-asses-handed-to-them" thing in the AFC title game. Please. Not saying they're a bad team, but the better team is CLEARLY present here. Gonna be a helluva game. A helluva game. Mmmm... dynasty...
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the you shouln't be watching any sports at all
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Woof!!!!!
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Should we not embrace ALL geeks, of all colors and creeds, of all entertainment genres? Come one, come all, embrace your geekhood and that of others!! WHO'S WITH ME??!! ok, I need a drink.
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How are the commercials? And can anyone spare a brother a fifty. Mrfan has to place a bet.
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Duce Staley is sitting at home rather than playing with the NFC CHAMPS!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!!!! -
Third Ring, Coming right UP!!!
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My god, Adamn Sandler could pretty much have Rob Schneider suck HIS DOG'S dick at this point... I mean, would Schneider have even a little bit of the pathetic career he does have right now without Sandler??
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I saw this movie.
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Feb 04, 2005 7:56:21 PM CST
the axe-man choppeth, the axe-man taketh away. try 31-17 eagles
by dr.bulber
to...to, to, to, ... to,to.
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Feb 04, 2005 8:51:56 PM CST
Is it true there's still footage of NSYNC's cameo still in the f
by llghtst0rmer
And what about the part where Corey Dillon gets eaten by a bear? Can't wait to see that part!
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Everybody knows that AICN nerds don't watch anything remotely resembling sports. Much less actually play them. Come game time, I predict that 80% will be masturbating, 15% will be watching Starge SG1 reruns, and 5% will be doing both.
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If you want to call losing by 2 touchdowns "choking, getting your ass handed to you, etc." then I guess that's what the Steelers did to the Pats back on Halloween, ending their winning streak.
Let's see how many records did we set this year? Hmm..."Most Wins In Franchise History," "Most wins by a rookie quarterback," QB voted Rookie of the week for 9 weeks, "Rookie of the Year," and bring the only QB in NFL history to get back-to-back wins over two undefeated teams (New England and the NFC -
I was trying to think of a way to say that without it coming off as smarmy and couldn't. Maybe part of the reason is because I am smarmy, but in any case, I mean it as a compliment. I enjoyed reading this "scoop," so thanks Dark Pirahna.
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Yes. I have converted from leafy lettuce.
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Feb 05, 2005 12:23:11 AM CST
Yeah, because no other QBs in the Superbowl are overrated...
by ribbons
coughMcNabbcough
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I had to water it down,my first thought was that team P.M. will do anything to get his stash through customs but I thought that would be even worse.Sorry everyone.
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When will the torture end? Why oh why did they have to keep making more football?
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Feb 05, 2005 3:53:11 AM CST
There's actually an alternate ending they've kept under wraps...
by iamnicksaicnsn
In the last five minutes the 49ers come in and make up all their lost games by destorying both teams in a battle royale. With guns and swords. See you in '06 bitches!
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This site is not the place for sports. Seriously. I've seen you guys argue about the stupidest shit. None of which has ever had anything to do with sports. Geeks!!
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You stupid Americans with your happy endings. In my county the game would end with the quarterback dying of a heroin overdose and then capitalist blimp would crash into stands killing many bloated Americans. Roll credits.
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Will be played by Mos Def.
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Feb 05, 2005 7:56:27 AM CST
I wonder how many times Quint thinks the Patriots will get in th
by atticus finch
We all know Quint will only be watching the Super Bowl for the movie trailers.
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Someone had to say it.
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is who gets voted off each quarter. And who wins the immunity challenge.
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It's too bad. I heard Whedon and David Fury did a rewrite on the Eagles' playbook.
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Feb 05, 2005 2:19:18 PM CST
Cletus Van Damme... let's see, how many Super Bowls have the Ste
by tv casualty
Or played in? Oh... wait... that's right. None. Tell you what, you can keep your fuckin' records. I'll keep my Super Bowl titles, and hopefully Big Ben's records will keep warm and comfy tomorrow.
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Sorry, I'm not a patriots fan, but Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL, and the Patriots will win. Not that I care, Patriots have won too much, and the Eagles fans make me sick.
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I left out a record: "Best NFL Record of Any Team This Season."
Rest assured, when the Pats choke tomorrow, I'll be the first to rub your nose in it like you're trying to do to me. And yeah....those records do keep me warm, considering a ROOKIE has a 50% win ratio against the Pats and is only going to get better, as the only ingredient he's missing is experience. Oh, and 7 players heading to the Pro Bowl...so don't be afraid to suck on that too. -
Seems to me that Tom Brady had a 50% winning percentage (which is what I assume you mean when you say "ratio," which would really be 1:1) against the Rams, a.k.a. The Greatest Show on Earth (or Turf depending on your allegiances), in his rookie season too. Now the Pats, who according to you are just about ready for demolition by Roethelsomething and the Steelers, are this year's Rams. Seems to me like Pittsburgh is gonna be on the receiving end of a lot of unjustified hatred by people just like you, Cletus, if what you say is true. And they might get their shot; after all, Law's time with New England is running out and their two chief coordinators are leaving after the Superbowl, so maybe Big Ben'll get his shot as early as next year (for the record, I do think that he's got a lot of potential, but he's a little on the green side). Football's a hard game to predict though. Even if the Steelers establish themselves within the next year or so, some team you'd never even looked twice it could be knocking on their doors come 2007. It happens all the time; Brady and the Pats were the wunderkind of 2002. What makes the Steelers any more enduring? Oh, and for the record, the better AFC team IS in Jacksonville right now. When you put up 41 points against "the best team in football," you deserve to be in the Superbowl.
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Well, probably not but some very funny writing in the talkback contributions here, so it must be close. It's been very funny and like a collection of 'best of' jokes in the one talkback.
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I wasn't trying to run your nose in, simply prove that the best team is, in fact, in the Super Bowl. Anyway, the records are impressive, certainly. But the point of the NFL season is to make the Super Bowl. We did. You didn't. And let's not forget that the Pats were missing 2 VERY key players in the 1st Pitt game (Dillon, Branch), so... at full strength, they are the better team, as the AFC game proves, I think. OK, now I've gone too far. This is FAR too much sports talk for an AICN talkback.
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...let me just say, "Woulda shoulda coulda, see you next year." ;)
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... hopefully more than once again.
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There is no "we made it to the Super Bowl." A team of professional athletes did. Just because the athletes are nominally supposed to be from your city or area does not mean you've taken any real part in their successes or failures on the field. I know people *like* having things to believe in, but a sports team is one of the more pathetic ones. It's always amazed me that people will show intense attachment to a team composed of a group of players, most of whom probably aren't from one's area anyway. Take "my" home team, the St Louis Rams: I had nothing to do with their recent Super Bowl win; I've had nothing to do with their recent successes, or lack thereof, either. I did not feel any provincial patriotic pride when they win, and I feel no provincial embarrassment when they don't. The St Louis Rams' biggest connexion to the St Louis area is not through its team members or even its team owners, but solely through its legions of lemming-like fans who laughably feel that the Rams are "their" team somehow. (I feel even more pity for people not from St Louis who are Rams fans; there's not even the excuse of provincial pride to explain their absurd elysian fantasies of being part of "their" St Louis Rams.)
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Feb 06, 2005 1:45:09 AM CST
I can't believe this has turned into a legitimate football discu
by i hate movies
Come on, geeks. Can't we all start talking about which team's cheerleaders we'd rather date as if it were a choice we're gonna face one day?
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There's probably a range of reasons for why people gravitate towards sports teams, but it is truly one of life's mysteries, especially in regards to how it can get some self-respecting people to paint and bare their flabby chests in freezing temperatures. The fanaticism on display in sporting events is actually so extreme at times that I'm amazed it's so easily accepted within our culture as opposed to, say, going to AICN, which would probably ostracize me from most of my peers if I made a to-do about it. There's probably a psychology for that, too, but a foolish one. A couple of years ago someone on TalkBack asked the question why sports fans are allowed to indulge their fetish in public (and indeed, even have competitions over which cities house "better fans") while film buffs are almost treated like social lepers. An answer came back looking something like this: "Because if you put twenty Star Trek fans and twenty football fans in a room together, the last ones standing would be the football fans, so they get to decide what's socially acceptable." That always stuck with me, partly because I'm a bitter film buff, but also partly because it's a smart answer. There's something very primal about the cult of sports, and maybe that's where the clanlike mentality comes from. Then again, fans vary from city to city. Speaking of which, you think dealing with psycho Rams fans is tough? Try living in Philadelphia. Ay caramba.
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Feb 06, 2005 11:01:11 AM CST
and this is why you should never start a conversation about spor
by tv casualty
HillaryLovesMe... ok, so you're not into sports. So you're not attached to the team that plays in your city. Let me ask you this: What about the Olympics? Is it ok to root for your country in the Olympics? Can you identify with those athletes? What's the difference? I grew up in Massachusetts, I enjoy watching sports, ergo I identify with the local sports teams. I like watching ball games, I like going to ball games. I also like John Carpenter movies, and playing video games. Don't tell me what I can and can't enjoy, what I can and can't identify with. Just because you're not into it, there's no need to belittle those of us who enjoy football AND movies. Get off your high horse. There's nothing pathetic about appreciating the skill and ability involved in sports, nor is there any shame in rooting for the team you grew up watching. I also grew up on horror movies and star wars. I feel a connection to those things as well, which is why I read this site and post in these talkbacks. But to judge those of us who enjoy a DIFFERENT form of entertainment is ridiculous.
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Much as I love the Pats, the Eagles cheerleaders are by FAR hotter. They basically wear lingerie. Egads. FFor some reason, they never respond to my letters though...
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What a fucking waste of time. To harry et.al: you suck, this is stupid,and I feel so fucking violated,that if it weren't for the funny ass talkbackers,I would be done with this site!!!! F-U!!!
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..hey, that rhymed. Yeah, the Eagles Cheerleaders are niiiiiiiice. You see their charity calendar?
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So, do you tend to also consider the movies you watch, and the video games you play, also "yours"? E.g.: "Yeah, I helped make that Carpenter movie, because I like it!" ********** That razor-sharp retort of mine aside, you failed to address my main point, which was not about rooting for a local sports team per se: It is truly pathetic to root for a team with little to no real, solid connexion to one's area! I would bet good money that most of the Rams players are not from St Louis, or have not lived here very long. The same is probably true, of course, of the Rams' big money owners. I see no problem in rooting for one of the local bush-league baseball teams, for instance; such a team is more likely to be composed of players from the same town as one. ****** You may now concede defeat. :)
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by all the people COMPLAINING about some actual intelligent sports comments. I invite you all to go read the Onions "Walking Sports Database Scorns Walking Sci-Fi Database."
p.s. Fox had the ending changed thanks to spoilers, so as a Pats fan, thanks!!! -
Congrats, man. NE played and played well!
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Big Ben will have MANY more opportunities. And Hillary... I gotta agree to disagree on this one. It's a pointless debate. I was raised in New England, I grew up here, I love it here. I love football. I love the Pats. Simple as that. I like watching football, and I like it even more when my home team wins. Obviously most of the players are from somewhere else. That's not the point - they play here now. And when/if they move to another city, I'll be sad, and always think of them when they play us, or when I see them. I know you think it's stupid and pathetic, and that's your right. It's too bad that you have such little respect for other people's enjoyment that you have to belittle it, but whatever. I guess that's the kind of person you are. Anyway, I'm sure Cletus understands, and any other sports fans reading this.
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