Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with a few impression of this year's over 24 hours of film and excitement otherwise known as Butt-Numb-A-Thon. By now you've read the line-up and the special events held this year, so I won't go over every trailer shown, every bit of swag received or even every movie that was played. If you don't know what was at BNAT this year, then scroll on down as the reports from my fellow BNATers document the entire event down to very specific detail.

After such a bang-up event last year with Mel Gibson popping up out of nowhere with THE PASSION a few months early and Jackson gracing the audience with ROTK a week or two early, I'm really happy that Knowles programmed this follow-up fest, which stood no chance in hell of topping the noteriety of last year's program, much like he did the original two BNATs.

This year wasn't about the huge film, the big guests, but about the magic of film. It was for true film lovers, not star-fuckers or premiere hounds. While I love seeing films like LOTR and PASSION with super guests, I can't tell you how much I flipped for Marlene Dietrich in THE BLONDE VENUS, shown on a pristine archive 35mm print, or how beautiful Hawaii looked in 3D in the stunning color print of MISS SADIE THOMPSON.

When ROTK showed last year, it was a big deal, but it was really only a week or so before I could see it at any theater in the world. This year LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and PHANTOM OF THE OPERA share that same slot, of films that the audience is seeing only a week early. That's why I think this year really succeeded in the vintage flicks shown. No way in hell the first Rankin/Bass WILLY MCBEAN AND HIS MAGIC MACHINE is going to be on DVD any time soon, you can't find THE BLONDE VENUS on DVD, the Alamo is one of only six theaters in the world that is set up to play that print of MISS SADIE THOMPSON, who the hell would think of seeing THE MUTATIONS... That is the real joy of discovery. None of those films can be seen next week, especially in a theater. And you haven't lived until you've seen TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN with an audience. That's part of the shared experience of BNAT that makes it wonderful and something to look forward to every year.

My favorite bits of new stuff this year was the HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY slideshow. We didn't really see anything big and the stuff that was new didn't mean much to me because I've never read the books (although I just bought that leather-bound collection of all of Adams' HITCHHIKER's books), but the imagination and humor that are going into this movie really have me excited. Especially since I'm a recent convert to the genius of THE OFFICE, I can't wait to see Martin Freeman strut his stuff with Sam Rockwell and John Malkovich.

It was also amazing to see the short, but sweet video taped "Hello" from Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise on the set of WAR OF THE WORLDS to introduce the trailer. Fuck me... Steven Spielberg said Ain't It Cool, what the fuck world am I living in?

As opposed to what some dipshits who don't know what they're talking about have been saying in talkback, KUNG FU HUSTLE isn't out on DVD or bootlegged anywhere on the net, so that's still the only true super early sneak peek at the fest this year and boy is it a doosey. I met Stephen Chow at Comic-Con a few years back, back when Miramax was just beginning to fuck up SHAOLIN SOCCER and he's a super cool guy, but goddamn if he isn't King Cock on Dick Mountain in KUNG FU HUSTLE. His brand of absurd comedy is a breath of fresh air.

Anyway, congratulations to Harry for putting on a helluva show and good vibes go out to those friends who made it out. I'm gonna now turn the tables over to some other folks to relate their experiences and opinions. The first up is my buddy, Kraken. When his father died a year or two ago, BNAT is something that helped him get through it and gave him something to look forward to. He loves this fest more than just about everybody I know, except Harry, of course... but he doesn't count!

Fear and Loathing in Butt Numb A Thon 6

So, it's 1:33 AM on Monday morning. I haven't slept since Saturday morning 8:42am. This will be an interesting write up. I think I'm trying to see how far I can take my mind before it will break. I'm sure it will happen at some point in the next hour or so ... I also can't tell you how difficult it is to write this piece on a keyboard with keys that have transmogrified into spiders.

So I'm going to try and touch on all the movies that played at this BNAT. If I get them in the wrong order, please don't hex me in some strange way. For me, every Butt-Bumb-A-Thon is like a giant 26 hour epic film, written by Satan and directed by Terry Gilliam.

First off (notice how I say this in the third paragraph) I'd like to say that this BNAT probably has to have been one of the most enjoyable for me since my first BNAT back in the new millennium. I've been to every BNAT since numero 2, and this one had that kind of magic feeling that can only be described as taking a Wonka style boat ride down the river of Harry Knowles's brain. We're all a little scared, and Harry sure looks strange in that top hat, but in the end, we know we're flowing on a river of liquid film chocolate and everything is groovy.

WILLY MCBEAN and his MAGIC MACHINE

This is a classic BNAT opener that I adored! How can you go wrong with a hero captive Mexican monkey, we know he's Mexican because he speaks with a speedy Gonzales accent (even though he was taught to speak by an evil genius with an English/American accent... but that's just how smart this Dr. Von Rotten guy is, he knows no one would buy a Mexican monkey that spoke with a proper English accent)  ... sweet Jesus look at that sentence. Where was I? Oh, anyway, the movie is about two time traveling heroes, a little boy named Willy McBean who is a 10 year old rocket scientist that hates history class, an escaped Mexican lab monkey (which took the plans for the magic time machine) that must thwart an evil plan to rewrite history with Dr. Von Rotten accomplishing all of history's major moments (like inventing fire, or discovering America, or being the fastest gun in the west). All done in stop motion animation. The best lessons from the film are... Latin monkeys are amazing lovers... if Columbus didn't discover America all we'd have are a bunch of trees and a few teepees and the big lesson... all an evil genius really needs is some good old fashion cave-man hugging to turn him to the light side (ahem, Mori.).

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

The kids are great, but Jim Carrey seems to be dipping back into his old "Ace Venture" and "The Mask" playbook. I found his performance good in some places where he was trying to do something new and subtle. But ultimately his over the top Carrey moments kind of distracted me from the flavor of the rest of the film. Overall, it didn't come close to ruining the movie, and I can't really think of anyone else that could have played the role of Count Olaf other than Carrey. It just seemed like too much at too many different places. I have a feeling it's going to make a big splash with the kiddos, and what I really love about it, is it doesn't talk down to children and doesn't over sap very traumatic events. It handles the reality of death in a very dignified way for these kids, and I think that'd be a good thing for any kids to see. Plus the biting baby and her pet snake rules!

THE BLACK SWAN

Probably my #2 favorite film of the festival. One of the reasons that I love BNAT is for a movie just like this. I'd probably have never thought to seek this film out (much like most of the classics - and yes I'm including the z movie stuff in that definition - that we get fed at these gatherings) but man, I'm glad I saw this film. To sit there and tease my wife during the overly roguish male chauvinistic pig moments of this film was so much fun. But I could tell she was loving every bit of the movie as I was. This is what swashbuckling is all about. I loved Pirates of the Caribbean, but I have to say that the crew of the Black Pearl would have their asses handed to them by captain Morgan and Captain Jamie boy! "You may lock me in a hole, you varmints, but you can't sit on me. Here's to you. Bottoms up!" If you haven't seen this movie yet.. GO NOW and find it.

HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY - slide presentation

Most of the slides shown have been on the net for a while. But the Vogons... MY GOD... amazing. The best way I can describe them is to take Peter Jackson's Bastards, and then... Jim Hensonize them (think Ninja Turtles one, not Muppets), and there you have it. They look fantastic. Hearing the producer talk and hearing the love in his voice for the story and for Adams himself makes me realize this film is in VERY good hands. They are doing original story details that Adams wrote JUST for the film, I can't wait!!!!

BLONDE VENUS

This movie was so much fun, just for the heated conversations it started afterwards between people. Marlene Deitrich's character is former club singer that has to go back to her old job to raise money to save her sick husband who needs treatment and take care of her 7 year old boy. Well, she falls for a rich playboy played by Carey Grant and ends up cheating on her husband while he's away being treated. She's caught when he comes home a month early, and when he discovers that she's been cheating on him... you can see that he is destroyed. He offers to pay back the money to her, and she accepts. But he also decides he's going to get custody of their son and take him away from her. She kidnaps her son, and runs all over the world singing at first, but then has to resort to selling her body to make money to take care of them both. Some people saw the husband as not worthy to be with her to begin with and ungrateful for what she had to do to help him. Other's saw the wife as a whore that enjoyed the fact that she cheated and ended up hurting a good man for no good reason (she could have earned the money without cheating, just not as fast). But you can tell a good film by how long people talk about it afterward, and even us that needed to take a leak like a race horse stuck around to defend our stances for quite a while.

ok... I can't stand it any longer. I have to go black out for a while now. I'll write more when I wake up.
 

Okay, I'm awake... although after blacking out around 2:30am, I had to get up 3 hours later to take Rav to the airport. So I still haven't slept solidly over 3 hours yet. I think I'm dieing a little.
 

MISS SADIE THOMPSON (in triple-D!!!)
 

This blew me away. One of the best 3d presentations I've ever seen. The Alamo's 3D projection system rivals that of Epcot center man! When I was a kid, I was always fascinated by the viewmaster toys. I would stare in a trance into my viewmaster for hours. But one of my favorite things I ever bought was something like that was in Hawaii as a child. We got these little cone toys that had a picture of the sandy beaches you could look at inside that was 3D. It made it seem like you were right back on that beach when you peered inside.
 

For me, Miss Sadie Thompson was a lot like that being in 3d. On top of being a great movie with a cast that you can't beat (Charles fucking Bronson??!!  with Rita "knockout" Hayworth?? IN 3d?? Really! Fuck me!) it transported me back to that time when I was a kid peering into those viewmasters. There was a sense that you were on that island with these characters. Plus the actual story hit home with me a lot because I am a person of faith. This movie was about both sides of having faith. The fanatical , and the people that truly understand what having faith and believing in something is really about. I think my favorite line from this movie was from the Doctor when he was talking to the "tv show evangelist" type character about hanging out with a prostitute ... "I don't think the founder of our religion would have been as squeamish"
 

Great movie, and I highly recommend seeing it , especially in today's climate.
 

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
 

Man, this movie had such a mixed reaction from people. I think the overall complaint I heard (and echoed my own feelings) was that the lead male actors seemed to be cast for their youthful good looks and not their acting or singing ability. Look, I didn't care for the  "look" of the Phantom either. But he did do well on the songs. I think ultimately the film wasn't sure if it wanted to be goofy and fun, or serious and dramatic. My wife and I love the original musical, I had a music box that played "music of the night" when I was younger.... but that is one of the problems with the movie. If I could have closed my eyes and just LISTENED to the scenes with the Phantom, I think I would have enjoyed it a lot more. But when he's singing "music of the night", my favorite song... his facial expressions are so laughably bad that it ruins the moment. He looks like he's trying to imitate Trey Parker from "Cannibal the Musical" with his pooched out quivering lips (and I think Trey could have done a much better job as the Phantom). If you go see this movie, I think you're going to enjoy a lot of it (if you like the original musical and its music). But, it's not solid enough to be a classic like Moulin Rouge or Chicago, and the male leads really ruin so much of the film. The girl that plays Christine is perfect, but she's never really allowed to shine because you can't concentrate on anything but how goofy that phantom looks at times (not to mention the fact that they left a few too many things in from the original musical,... like the candles coming out of the water). But like I said, there are still a lot of enjoyable moments. The opening 5 minutes literally gave me chill bumps! 
 

TOM CRUISE and STEPHEN SPIELBERG wish Harry a Happy Birthday! Holy Crap!! Quint was sitting right next to me and had his jaw on the floor. He looked over and said "Spielberg just said the words Aint it Cool!" Great moment! Now all we need is a set report from Quint in New Jersey. Although I think the geekasm that would happen with that encounter (no pun intended) might just rip open the fabric of space and time and destroy us all.  
 

THE MUTATIONS
 

HAHAHA! I FUCKING LOVED THIS MOVIE! Okay, I'm a sucker for any freaks movie, or movies where people get turned into monsters. Maybe that's why I loved Ninja Turtles so much when I was a kid (also, the first movie I ever saw as a child in a theater was The Beast Within). Why I loved the original FREAKS and still flip out for the comedy FREAKED. When we saw the trailer for the film before Phantom, I leaned over to my wife and said "I've gotta find that movie now!" Then when Harry said the next film we were about to watch was something we'd already seen a trailer for, I said a very loud prayer to the God of BNAT and shouted out MUTATIONS! Prayer answered!!! Flytrap monster rules, Donald Pleasence rules, Michael Dunn... man, I can't say enough about Dunn. He was a fantastic midget actor! He shows so much heart in this movie, a really fine performance. You almost forget (but why would you want to??) that you're watching a film that has a 10 foot venus fly trap man monster in it! Whoohooo!! Loved it! Oscar gold baby! This is the kind of movie I come to BNAT for!!! Honestly, it's this kind of film that you have NO idea is out there that makes you realize how awesome the world of film is.
 

TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN (and neither is this movie)
 

Oh boy! Wow! Old Boy prequel!!! Scary clown toys! This movie needs to be remade right now with a certain producer with a penchant for the Olsen's (who must have the lead role) in charge. Oh, I can't even start to think about the toys that would be made with the license! The only thing that disappointed me was that the toys didn't come to life at the end and go on a killing rampage for the lead girl Carrie style... and then of course a giant Babes in Toyland style orgy. Did I just say that, well,... if you're going to hell, might as well have front row seats! Well done Tim League.
 

LAYER CAKE
 

Great crime flick. Don't want to say too much about it because it's a movie you should really not know too much about going in. Very much in the style of SNATCH. But probably one of my top 3 favorites for the night.
 

2001 MANIACS (clip)
 

Looks like Tim Sullivan has been able to craft a real fun movie for us. Lots of gore and lots of cool looking characters. Hooray for another 70's/80's style horror flick coming out for all of us good horror geeks!!! Can't wait!
 

ONG - BAK
 

I can't tell you how well this movie hit with the audience! Cheers and more cheers roared though the drafthouse with every stunt man killed. That's right, you heard me... "Dead Stunt Men" should be the alternative American title for Ong Bak. I have figured out the Ong Bak code. If they show a hit twice... then the stunt man was sent to critical care. If they show the hit THREE times... well... that's a tribute to a dead man. I actually saw Ong Bak about a year and a half ago. I own it on DVD and flipped for it then. See, thing is though... I've never seen it with subtitles or any dubbing. So I watched the movie making up my own storyline with my friends at the time. It was nice to be able to see the story the filmmakers originally intended at BNAT. Even though I think our plot line involving the smoking man just wanting someone to love and wanted someone to have sex with his neck hole might have been a wee bit better. But all the same, this movie rocks with a good BNAT geek audience to share it with. Well done! Oh, and an ending SPOILER from the orginal DVD for my fellow BNAT'ers... GEORGE lives in the original filmed ending. He comes walking out of a hut in traction following Muay!
 
 

KUNG FU HUSTLE
 

My favorite film for BNAT!
 

I'm a HUGE fan of Shaolin Soccer, and absolutely love Stephen Chow. This guy is Bruce Lee incarnate. He has the style, the charisma, speed of Lee, and the talent for storytelling as well.
 

Hustle is such a fun film. I think it played perfectly as the last film, because this movie is a mind trip. I'm still not sure I saw what I saw. It's about a gang called the AXES that decided to take over their town and consolidate all the gangs into one powerful Kung Fu, axe wielding entity. The only people that can stop them are some retired Kung Fu masters, and a man that is a Kung Fu natural genius (Chow) but doesn't know it yet. As a matter of fact, he wants to join the AXES because as a child he tried his stint as a hero, and got pissed on for his troubles. But before he has his chance to turn evil, he realizes that it is his duty, his responsibility for the powers he has, to help those in need. He's reminded of this fact by a chance encounter with the grown version of the little girl he tried to help as a child. I can honestly say, I don't know if it was the lack of sleep, or the fact that I'm a big softy, but the scene with the sucker in the box and the girl had me tearing up.
 

Then the final showdown with Chow and THE BEAST is about the most amazing Kung Fu scene you'll ever see. This is the movie I wish the Matrix sequels would have been. A true super hero fighting for a real cause... truth, justice, and a girl that likes suckers!
 

Well, that's it for my BNAT ramblings! I have to say this year was a blast, it was good seeing all my BNAT friends again and being able to wish Harry a happy birthday. Thanks for inviting me to your party dude! It was a fun trip trying to survive the world that is in your head,... it was awesome getting to once again visit that colorful and warm place that is BNAT and have my geek soul renewed for another year.
 

-Kraken 

Next up is Saffy, she of chocolate and peppermint and the one who made Mel Gibson cry last year.