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Uwe Boll strikes again! ALONE IN THE DARK another turd-tacular crapfest' Whoda thunk it!'!

Ahoy, squirts! Quint here... sigh... A couple years ago I saw HOUSE OF THE DEAD at the American Film Market and called it one of the 5 worst films I've ever seen in my life. Looks like Boll is trying quickly to fill in the other 4 spots and it seems he's shooting for the number one spot with ALONE IN THE DARK. The clips Boll has put online are laughable, the film, of course, doesn't seem to have a goddamn thing to do with the original game... I mean aliens? Huh? Was it not enough that HOUSE OF THE DEAD bombed? Was it not enough that HOTD cost over $12 million and looked like he spent $20 and a box of Cheerios on the casting/effects/screenplay budget? Why is this guy still allowed near a film camera? I suppose Paul WS Anderson should be bowing at this guy's feet because he is the only working director that makes Paul WS Anderson look like P. T. Anderson. "This is quite possibly the worst film I've seen period and I used to work for Troma." Jesus Christ. This is going to be painful...

 

Oh dear lord where do I begin.   

I just got back from a test screening of Alone in the Dark, the latest crap-fest from Uwe Boll.  This is quite possibly the worst film I've seen period and I used to work for Troma.  Now once again we have a video game movie that completely throws out everything that made the game great.  They take a game that was a very atmospheric story, and load it with guns, and Aliens style action.  I'm not going into what's wrong with the film cause that would take way too long, suffice as to say that everything is wrong with this film. This film was manic from point A to Z, it starts with a high action chase scene/kung fu fight, then it trys to be creepy and then into an Aliens style gun fest.  On top of that they randomly added zombies and aliens! Frankly that new Burger King ad with the guy in the Burger King costume is much more frightening, I'd be scared if I woke up with that staring at me. What's worse was that myself and a friend were selected for a focus group.  If you ever thought that a focus group was for making a flawed film better, flush that notion down the toilet, when they found out that we rated the film poor we were not allowed to take part in the focus group, the screening people then ran franticly around trying to find anyone who thought this movie was anything above fair.  On a lighter note Uwe Boll was in attendance, while we were waiting for my friends ride he exited the theater where we thanked him for that "piece of crap film" and for "killing our childhood".  

Stay away from this film at all costs!

Tromaboy



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  • Oct. 5, 2004, 7:39 a.m. CST

    Let me be the first to say...

    by badboymason

    its not much of a surprise that this sucks - there will never be a movie made of a videogame that is anything better than a popcorn flick. People slag off PWSA, but Resident Evil/Mortal Kombat are the only 2 half-decent vidgame flicks ever made...

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 7:42 a.m. CST

    "I'm gonna blow da dome"

    by vekt0r

    sorry

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 8:02 a.m. CST

    Oh Uwe...

    by BitterMan23

    untalented fuck, will you just STOP!!! Some games you play and say "this would make a good movie, they couldnt fuck it up much." and then Uwe will come along and prove me wrong. Heres hoping this films failure gets him fired from the Far Cry movie.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 8:03 a.m. CST

    And the MPAA worries about piracy killing the business...

    by Darksider

    When they should be worrying about all the shit movies that the studios put out. Why bother "adapting" shit if you change everything from the original? Just make something new or use what made the original work in the first place.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 8:05 a.m. CST

    re: video game movies

    by Soma Imp

    I disagree. Just because there are no good video game movies in existence doesnt justify Paul WS Andersons' lacklustre work. There just hasnt been a good one yet, I'm sure there will be - if I told you 2 years ago that a movie based on a theme park ride would be good, you wouldnt believe me, but we have pirates of the caribbean and whether it's your thing or not you can't deny that it was excellently shot, acted and paced. It can be done, it just hasnt yet because some executive chumps keep giving these projects to idiots like Paul Anderson and Uwe Boll.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 8:11 a.m. CST

    Uwe Boll's last box office numbers

    by vekt0r

    House of the Dead budget and marketing = $22 million. Worldwide gross = $13.8 million.

  • Let' face it. Video game movies are destined to suck!

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 8:13 a.m. CST

    BWAH HAHAHAHA!!!

    by JRo

    [quote] House of the Dead budget and marketing = $22 million. Worldwide gross = $13.8 million. [/quote] I dunno what's worse, that someone PAID 22 million to hav etha movie made, or that they didn't even break even!

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 8:34 a.m. CST

    Ben Kingsley to star in Bloodrayne????

    by vekt0r

    oh my shit. it's true. imdb.com. Boll is already greenlighted for 2 more video game movies after alone in the dark. WTF?????????

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 10:38 a.m. CST

    Plant!!

    by Blacklist

    not a terribly original view here, but who would look at the returns on HotD then ok Alone in the Dark AND Bloodrayne (jeez I hate typing that). And Boll's got Ben Kingsley and Udo Kier! HUH?! Not to mention all the other video game licences he's picked up. Do the people financing his movies know of diminishing returns? How about non-existant returns that put you further and further into the hole unless you wise the heck up!

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 12:17 p.m. CST

    Re: The Burger King in your bed

    by PushTheButton

    That truely is horror right there! Ju-on made me afraid to look under my blankets at night, now i can't roll over in the morning!

  • Seriously, there are a lot of movies out there that are a hell of a lot worse. House of the Dead is just an average low-budget straight-to-video horror flick that happened to be made for too much money and given a wide release. It gives you what you should expect from one of these things: a little gore (not enough, unfortunately), a couple of tits, and plenty of time to grab something from the fridge during the slow parts. It could have been a lot worse.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 1:38 p.m. CST

    I laughed so hard at that Burger King commercial, I almost wet m

    by Big Bad Clone

    after I picked up my jaw off the floor. Holy shit ! That is one fucked up commercial.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 3:21 p.m. CST

    How to get started in Hollywood ...

    by godoffireinhell

    One worl: fellatio. You have to really good at sucking cock. That's really all that is required and Uwe Boll excells at it. Mist strong German jaw and muscular throat have worked many a cumstained miracle in studio offices and so he will continue to get work.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 3:50 p.m. CST

    UWE BOLL YOU ARE ONE BIG TIME MOTHERFUCKER

    by JimmyRabbit

    PLEASEEEEE don't let this shithead near a camera again PLEASSSEEEEEE I swear to fucking God if anyone is going to see this movie I will kill him personally. BEN KINGSLEY WTF ARE YOU THINKING WORKING WITH THIS FUCKER????!!!!! Uwe Boll I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS......in interviews he's saying The Matrix Reloaded and Van Helsing are bad movies, and Paul Anderson is a hack according to this shithead. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK freaking German fuckmook. Just donate your budget for Bloodrayne to charity for God's sakes. You are destroying the possibility that they will ever make awesome movies of Metal Gear Solid and Halo. IF I READ ONE STORY, ONE STORY about you wanna buy the rights to HALO I swear to fucking GOD I WILL SNIPE YOUR ASS

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 4:08 p.m. CST

    that damn burger king ad....

    by cherrycola

    No doubt put together by the same ad agency that put up www.subservientchicken.com. While that's a brilliant site with an off the wall concept, the commercial with the dude in the kings outfit scares the shit out of me. First it was that herb dude, then it was that weird "sometimes you gotta break the rules" tag line, and now this. I swear to god burger king is like the andy kaufman of burger joints.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 4:17 p.m. CST

    When I heard he was being allowed near Bloodrayne I wanted to cr

    by SCYTHEOFLUNA

    Even with Kingsley in it. Kristanna Loken has been cast as Rayne, which isn't so bad, but the story takes place before the games in the (1700s) and even contradicts the game story. Michael Madsen and Michelle Rodriguez are also in the film. Really though can anyone see Madsen in a brokade frock coat armed with a flintlock? Can either of them pull off a 1600s era accent? Boll is a fool and he will ruin every film he gets his paws on. The film has virtually nothing to do with the game aside from lifting character names and locales.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 5:05 p.m. CST

    the burger king ad

    by JackDonkey

    is what it was intended to be, why do you think the king puts his hand on the dudes knee at the end. The kind is obviously supposed to scare the shit out of that guy and that's what makes it funny. It's not a mistake the king is so freaky.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 5:21 p.m. CST

    Burger King versus the freaky Quizno's Spongemonkeys!

    by Bregalad_

    Dude. So obvious. The Spongemonkeys would royally own BK's ass. Look at what they got: They are capable of strumming a guitar and waxing poetic about their sandwiches, while wearing the finest haberdashery. Seems the King can't do much else but sit there, mute, offering up a plate, trying to play up a cheap homophobic sight gag. Let the record stand: The Spongemonkeys rock the universe.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 6:07 p.m. CST

    House Of The Dead was GREAT!

    by Flash McThrash

    House of the Dead was hilarious! One of the most enjoyable films I've ever seen at the cinema and certainly the cheesiest. Romance from nowhere, plot incoherence, stupid (but funny) matrix effects, spanish prisoner backstory??? This film has all the ingredients of a good night out. I saw it at the Horrorthon in Dublin last Halloween and most people there were laughing too. In fact the film got a round of applause for the crazy kissy-bit in the middle! I went with 7 people and they loved it too. I mean sure it isn't because the film was a "good" film, but its the best "So-bad its good" film I've ever seen. I find it strange that the film wasn't viewed with this in mind as it just revels in its crazy crappiness without ever pretending to be of good quality. UWE BOLL RULES!

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 6:32 p.m. CST

    FLASH MCTRASH

    by JimmyRabbit

    Miserable fuck.......... In other news: Ed Wood was a bad director, but he LOVED making films, Uwe Boll (what a fucked up name btw) is only in it for the money.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 6:56 p.m. CST

    Okay, somebody please explain this to me. You're Ben Kingsley...

    by heywood jablomie

    ....They offer you an assload of money to be in an Uwe Boll Film, called BLOODRAYNE. An assload. Enough for coke, Cristal and hookers till the end of the Jenna Bush administration. Okay, we get that. And maybe Ben's agents were panting up and down, "Take the money! Take the money!" But wouldn't it strike SOMEBODY...probably Sir Kingsley...that it might be a good idea to rent HOUSE OF THE DEAD? And if he did, wouldn't he bug out of BLOOD RAYNE--even if he lost his mortgage, kids, wife, car, shoes, and was forced to wear a pickle barrel with rubber suspenders?

  • That was gold -- and it's funny because it's true.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 8:32 p.m. CST

    Hunter: the Reckoning, too! NOOOOO!

    by Vaebn

    He's also taking a brilliant game property by White Wolf (the people who made Vampire: the Masquerade) called 'Hunter: the Reckoning,' which was made into an okay Gauntlet-style video game, into a movie. Another wonderful idea he's TEARING TO PIECES. WHY CAN'T THIS FUCKTARD ACTUALLY WRITE HIS OWN SHIT TO RUIN INSTEAD OF STEALING OTHER PEOPLE'S POTENTIALLY GOOD STUFF AND SPOILING IT FOR OTHER DIRECTORS? HE IS THE *FUCKING ANTICHRIST*. There, I am done.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 8:35 p.m. CST

    "So bad it's good?"

    by Vaebn

    To all the people saying Uwe Boll is decent because he makes movies that are so bad/cheesy they're actually good: That would be perfectly peachy if he were TAKING HIS OWN STUFF. Instead, he takes serious material from other people and RUINS it. Other directors can't just turn around and make another Alone In The Dark movie, so he's basically SPOILED the entire property movie-wise. I want to see a SERIOUS Blood Rayne movie. I want to see a SERIOUS Hunter movie. But no, we're going to get Uwe Boll's fucking USELESS crap. GOD I HATE that man.

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 9:03 p.m. CST

    Please, oh please...

    by Blue_Demon

    Don't let that man anywhere near "Silent Hill."

  • Oct. 5, 2004, 10:56 p.m. CST

    The Quizno Rats should direct Bloodrayne

    by Press Lenox

    Well, it's good to know I'm not the only one creeped out by the "Burger King", he's obviously waiting for that guy to wake up...it seems like he slipped a little spanish fly into the guy's drink the night before. Poor bastard.

  • Oct. 6, 2004, 3:14 a.m. CST

    'Human urinal cake'. My new favourite saying.

    by Cash Bailey

    Hat's off to you, Sir.

  • Oct. 6, 2004, 5:55 a.m. CST

    UWE BOLL IS ON THIS BOARD

    by JimmyRabbit

    It cannot possibly be that someone has a positive opinion about House of The Dead and 'Dr' Boll (WAHAHAHAHAHAHA) rot in hell UWE BOLL

  • Oct. 6, 2004, 12:58 p.m. CST

    cannibal nun, ya twat

    by blue7

    What happened to all of your bullshit about all of the expensive vehicles you own, etc.? Maybe you forgot what you said you have, and don't want to slip up like Dick Cheney in last night's debate. And enough already with your schoolgirl-esque tittering about being so deliciously NAUGHTY as to sneak whiskey into a movie theater. Sounds like you didn't even have the sack to drink from your (airline-sized, I'm sure) bottle, as you've amended your mighty boast to make sure all know it was with Coke. How brave of you! How against-the-grain! Guess that explains how you could honestly think House of the Dead is better than Romero's Dawn of the Dead. Everyone knows Romero is far from perfect. Monkey Shines, the Dark Half, Bruiser, all meh at best to downright awful. Start slagging the best zombie movie ever made, though, especially while twittering on about how great some obvious nutty turd like House of the Dead is when you're so tipsy off Jim Beam and sodapop, and you have forever cemented your reputation as a stupid, lying cunt. Cheers!

  • Oct. 6, 2004, 2:50 p.m. CST

    YOU HAD A CHANCE TO SLUG BOLL AND YOU PASSED IT UP???

    by Durendal

    Oh, you fucking NINNY! I'd have charged that pustulent sack of shit, grabbed him by his neck and beat him in the face with my fist until his fucking head caved in.

  • Oct. 6, 2004, 6:21 p.m. CST

    I think it's quite clear

    by K|LLDOZER

    That Uwe Boll has some really DARK, EVIL shit on some higher-up in hollywood that can greenlight pictures. How else would you explain the total disregard for anything suspenseful, stylish or good AND blowing the returns on every pic he ever did? This career is based purely in politics, not artistic merit and knowledge.

  • Oct. 7, 2004, 9:39 p.m. CST

    Hey, you're right!

    by MyNameDoesn'tFit

    That Burger King ad IS scary.

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