Logo

Cool News

A Trinity of BLADE Reviews! Including Neill Cumpston

Published at:  Jul 21, 2004 2:25:35 PM CDT

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...



They’re starting to really test the heck out of this one, and I hope David Goyer’s using these screenings to tweak the heck out of the film. Reactions seem to range from “loved it” to “hated it” with all sorts of degrees in between so far. By and large, it sounds like he’s put together a cool film that could use a little trimming, and he’s got plenty of time to make the final adjustments that could make this thing really work.



First up today, we’ve got a bit of a mixed reaction:



Hi Harry,

Was in attendance at a Blade Trinity screening last night with Mr. Goyer in crowd... we were told we were among the first to see this film, which must be for crowd-pleasing, because I know they screened it a few months ago as well. Effects were almost there (a few wires still showing) and it had a completely temporary soundtrack of electronica faves.

Roger Ebert had a really good statement in his review of Underwold about porn films walking down streets, loading weapons, getting out of cars, opening doors, loading their iPod...

Now I'd say there are spoilers ahead, but there's really no story or big build-up, so what's the point? If you've watched vampire movies, and checked out the cool brit series ULTRAVIOLET, then the plot and sub-plots are completely old hat.

Let's talk about disappointments, because I love the character, and I really enjoyed the first movie, and even liked the second one (light going around corners bothered me, but oh well), so I was hoping to really enjoy this finale.

So Whistler's back, and he's there as Blade's moral compass... "You're gettin' sloppy...", "Killing humans is messy...", so OK more on that in a sec) and Whistler picks up a shotgun and starts blasting FBI guys left and right. Uh... what happened to not killing humans?

So earlier, Blade gets "set up" and shoots a familiar, which the vampires capture on video to frame him and get the feds involved. Ok... but remember in the FIRST FILM, when they're going to the Asian vampire club, and Blade is asked how he can tell who's a vampire and who's not -- "The way they move... the way they smell." OK, so how the hell does he watch someone get out of a car and start running away from him and NOT tell that he's not a vampire? Sigh.

The movie is full of contradictions like the two above that just weaken the characters.

Then there's the "new" crew that joins Blade. The main guy is cool, has an interesting story that could have been developed (used to be a vampire, turned back, now hunts them) but was played mostly for comedy which kills the pace, especially in an interrogation scene that just pulls you out of the film completely.

Whistler's daughter is nice to look at, even referred to as "hottie" by one of the other crew, but shooting arrows at 300fps (paintball gun speeds! ooh!) and taking long ponderous showers to wash off blood doesn't make for character building. She doesn't even mourn the loss of her father... but man, does she love iTunes.

The rest of the crew isn't worth mentioning, except for one -- the blind scientist. So at one point in the film, things go bad, and Dracula shows up and starts killing everyone off. So here's the blind scientist, with her daughter, in this big complex they have... and she acts like she doesn't know her way around it, and she's a complete blubbery coward that can't defend herself or her child. What an insult. I believe that most blind people have amazingly acute hearing and sense of smell, which is heightened because their body tries to make up for lack of vision in other ways... but not here.

Instead of having the blind woman put up a cool fight, able to track Dracula by smell / hearing, putting him on the defensive, all the while snarling at him about not taking her child, she blubbers and then dies. Talk about wasting an opportunity for a cool reversal and a kick-ass fight scene...

So let me mention security for a minute... remember how locked down Blade's places of operation were in the first 2 movies? Well here, although both Blade and the Nightstalkers (whatever) are equipped and high-tech with weapons and retro-virus production equipment, and THEY HAVE NO SECURITY. Not even a backup generator when power is cut... huh?

The vampires, led by Parker Posey, who I love in all the Guffman/Show/Wind productions, is just not right for a head vampire, or perhaps the script was just unkind to her character, but either way, the vampires come off as comic, bumbling, clowns -- Deacon Frost from the first film would have drained them all and been done with it. If the message was that Blade had killed off most of the vampires that had any sense, tact, and skill, then OK I can buy that these guys are in charge... of about 20 other vampires.

Dracula, who could have just been the coolest thing to walk the planet... was a beefcake. I kept hearing Cartman screaming in my head "beefcaaaaaake!" every time he appeared on screen. Perhaps the problem
with doing Dracula is that everyone's got their own impression of him they just fight for a while, then Dracula gets injected and that's it. There's even a mystery about why Drac "disappeared" at one point in time, but it's never taken anywhere and never develops into something important, which it could have.

Actually, I think that's the real problem they just do what they always do until the film ends.

Mr. Goyer looked nervous outside the theater after the flick, standing there with all the studio peeps, and I can't blame him. Most of the people around me were laughing about the film after it was over, making jokes and talking about how badly it needed editing, how bad dracula was, etc.

With some tight editing (it's 2 hrs as it stands, could be 90 mins and you wouldn't miss a thing) to pick up the pace and reduce the drawn-out humor and over-abundant slow mo and dragged out establishing shots, it could be good popcorn faire -- nothing that you'll remember 6 months later, but a decent matinee.

Sigh.

Socks

I’m not sure the BLADE films were ever meant to be more than good popcorn fare, but it sounds like once you start pulling this one apart, it becomes hard to stop. Want to read a totally different reaction? Want to read a NEILL CUMPSTON reaction? You know you do. To be fair, I should say that I’ve heard a rumor Neill appeared in this film, but by “appeared,” I mean crashed the set completely nude while high on rhino tranquilizer. Actually... I hope they left that part in...


Blade III: Non-Stop Fight Boner


I saw Blade III Monday night in Hollywood and I’m still punching things in my head, 2 days later. This movie is coming out in December, so even if you get dick-rot and a vegetable platter for Christmas there’s a present waiting for you in a theater. I wish there was a way to say “Fuck Yeah!” and see this movie at the same time. Wait, there is. Blade III is Cool Ranch Fuck.

Also, this is one of those cool movies where the Plot Scenes keep trying to come on screen and bore the shit out of you, but the Action Shit is all like, “See this?” (shows the Plot Scenes its fist) and before the Plot Scenes can say, “Yeah, it’s a…” the fist is suddenly mulching their nose and then cream corn is shooting out your poo-tunnel ‘cuz the movie is so good.

Here’s the plot:

1. The Vampires dig up Crunch Gym Dracula. The Vampires want to use Crunch Gym Dracula’s blood for something evil.

2. On the other side there’s these vampire killers called the Night Stalkers who want to use Dracula’s blood to make a potion that will kill all vampires.

3. And in the middle of it is Blade III, who puts on his foot-to-ass boots and kicks the chili-cooking fuck out of everything in sight.

Every single action sequence just fucking starts, and then midway through everyone takes a breather and explains why they’re kicking ass, and also why the ass-kicking’s going to go up a notch, and every time it does. There will be a lot of nerd masturbation happening during these scenes, so sit in the back of the theater.

And then, as if the director (who directed all 3, and actually wrote this one) decided to give the Blade fans a bonus for being cool, this film has two big gifts: a hottie chick, plus the hottie chick using bad-ass weapons which are so bad-ass they’re like hot chicks in themselves.

The Hottie Chick is played by Jessica Biel, who gave you a chubby you still have in TEXAS SWEATY HALF-T MASSACRE. And her new weapons are this laser bow that she slices vampires up with, plus a shoe knife, plus a bow and arrow which should get its own movie series. Like, different actors could show up in Steve Martin films and just shoot him with the arrows when he gets boring, which is all the time now. Jessica and her weapons are so hot that she not only gets a shower scene where she washes off blood, but also a scene where she’s suiting up with all her weapons, and I checked during both of these scenes and, yep, boners.

Plus, she shows her belly a lot. Hello freeze frame on the DVD. There should also be a bonus feature called Jessica’s Belly where you get to see all the shots they didn’t use.

She and her group of Night Stalkers, which include the dude who played Van Wilder, want to team up with Blade III, but he’s all like, “I’m Blade”, and “Go fuck yourself”, but then he goes ahead and kicks ass with them anyway. He’s got some awesome new weapons, too, like this sword-on-a-rope that I wish I had when I’m at Six Flags and it’s crowded.

The Van Wilder guy plays Hannibal King, and he’s always saying funny shit, which I laughed at when he said it but now all I can think about is Jessica and that goddamn belly.

Plus there’s an awesome car chase, a bunch of motorcycle fights, vampire dogs, Goth fags getting killed, a wrestler vampire, a Parker Posey vampire, swordfights, electronic pistols that make DVDs of the people you kill with them, a super-nasty death in a shower, plus three sequences where Blade just walks through warehouse/offices, setting up dates between his foot and different dudes’ nutsacks. There’s also a dude from Best in Show, plus another dude from The Warriors, plus a little girl who says something super-creepy to Dracula.

Christmas came early, and so did I, on the left-over spooge still in my pants from Blade II (if New Line pulls quotes for the poster, there you go).

Why is it that every time I read a review by Neill, I hear the theme to THE SPY WHO LOVED ME in my head? Anyway... as positive as that one was, get ready for one seriously negative reaction...



Hey Harry,

I just got back from a screening of Blade: Trinity here in Los Angeles. Well I am a big fan of the Blade series and I really enjoyed Blade 2 since it had so much style to it. So I was really excited to see Blade 3. Although when I saw the trailer and the footage that was leaked to the web I was not as excited but still had my hopes up.

Unfortunately those hopes were dashed. This movie is just plain horrible. I tried so hard to like the film but it just wasn't going to be possible. To start off this is said to be a work in progress and that it doesn't come out until December 10th but I really dson't think that it will make much of a difference. Now I am going to go into some spoilers so if you don't want to hear about it then do not read on.

Well this is how the story of the film is. Parker Posey and her vampire henchmen go to Dracula's tomb and raise him from the depths of the tomb so to make a perfect race of vampires and to kill off Blade. Now the thing is, later in the movie they said they had a hard time finding Dracula, but come on it's a Mayan looking temple that looks an awful like the one at the end of From Dusk Til Dawn, and they mention it's in the middle of Iraq. Yeah that would be hard to find. So then the opening begins with actually showing Blade fighting some vamps during the opening credits of the film. Fight scene was ok but not spectacular. Blade ends up killing a familiar(human) and Parker Posey tapes it to frame Blade with the police. So Parker Posey turns the tape into the police dept. and they are after Blade. So the police follow Blade to his "secret" hideout with Whistler. The police break in, there is a fight and Whistler blows himself up as the police take Blade into headqurters to be interrogated. This whole sub-plot was horrible. They even had a psychiatrist that happened to be a familiar interrogating him. Then Parker Posey shows up and that is how we are introduce to Hannibal King and Whistler's daughter. Fighting ensues, bad plot ensues, bad action ensues, and so does bad acting(from Parker Posey who seems cannot stop hamming up the screen).

Now the thing with Ryan Reynolds is that he is good in this for the comedy stand point, but that is the problem, there is WAY too much comedy in this movie. They even have dogs that are made to be the vamps from Blade 2 because Parker Posey was trying out different strains of vampires to find the perfect vampire. So there are a Pommeranian and 2 Rottwielers that are vampires. Very stupid idea. It was played for comedy but fell on its face. Also Drake(which is Dracula) is not played menacing enough, he is pretty much the lackey of Parker Posey's character which is not the character trait of Drake. The fight scenes are bad, and for some god awful reason it seems that american directors have a hard time directing martial arts action. All of the shots are quick cuts, with being way too close, it was hard to find out who was fighting who.

So at the end they come up with this virus that will kill all of the vampires as long as they have Drake's blood, they shoot him with the virus and the virus becomes airborne, killing all of the vamps in the world except for Blade which it seems they were making him a bad guy at the end. It shows him getting up from an operating table(because he was knocked out during the fight with Drake) and he fights the doctors, then he looks like he is going to eat one of them when it has this awful voice over from Jessica Biel saying that Blade was asleep and then he walked out. So then we see Blade on a motorcycle and he drives off, the end.

There is more I could go on about this movie but I am tired and it was horrible. I would be shocked that if this movie stays in this state that it would make alot of money other than the fact it is riding on the name. I will definately not reccomend this movie to anyone.

If you post this, then call me Suicide Squirrel

So there you have it... the latest batch of reactions. I’m certainly curious to get a look at it myself, and I want to see what happens with the New Line panel at Comic-Con this weekend. They’ll be showing some footage and discussing the film, and hardcore comic fans will be getting their best first look there.



"Moriarty" out.








AddThis Social Bookmark Button
    + Expand All

    Readers Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 2:31:24 PM CDT

    As far as Neill Cumpston reviews go, that one's a disappointment

    by lenny nero

    I want to hear about ball kickage, vomit and cunnlingus, buddy.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 2:32:03 PM CDT

    Sounds like the first two movies but whatever I'll see it

    by spectrebeeyatch

    It might be fun watching this movie during the holiday season

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 2:39:15 PM CDT

    Thought the ending was...

    by kryptonslastson

    The Nightstalkers fighting werewolves.... Or did they change it?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 2:48:09 PM CDT

    That Neill Cumdumpster review was a bit dietetic...

    by lord_soth

    Even the positive review said uh-oh, so what are you smoking there in Texas, Mori?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 2:49:51 PM CDT

    So what kind of popcorn movie are we talking here?

    by ribbons

    Is it of the good variety or bad variety? I needs to know these things. Also, a popcorn movie's reach doesn't necessarily need to exceed its grasp, but consistency of character would be nice. On the other hand, I don't mind so much about the Dracula hubbub, nor am I all that phased by whether or not you can look at Parker Posey without thinking of Christopher Guest, so maybe I should take these reviews with a grain of salt (excluding Neill Cumpston, whose review you should take with a grain of salt for obvious reasons...damn set crashers).

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 2:55:53 PM CDT

    Tarantino wanna-be reviewers

    by harmonica man

    I've noticed that so many reviewers on this site think that it's so cool to use "fuck", "fuckin'", "shit" and other expletives throughout their reveiws, and other colourful phrases such as "blowing cream corn out of the poop chute" or something like that (there were so many I kinda forgot). So, is that the current style of "underground" writing, or is that just a way to cover up a lack of any real talent as a reviewer or writer. Just wonderin'.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 2:58:28 PM CDT

    Oh yeah...Wesley Snipes rules as Blade

    by ribbons

    I don't think we as a people say that enough around here. He owns that part. Interested in seeing how the new cast members perform in this one. ************** As for the "old" ending, which I can't quantify but won't spoil anyway just to be on the safe side, they may have re-shot it. If I remember correctly and have the correct information, SuperHeroHype! said that there were a couple of reshoots after the original bout of test screening that brought us all those reviews so many months back. Speaking of test screening, when are they gonna start testing 'Man Thing?' I want to know what's going on, man. I got my ear to the ground but I can't hear a sound. Jazz.....

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 3:17:51 PM CDT

    I think it might be difficult to know what Mori's smoking in Tex

    by lenny nero

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 3:23:46 PM CDT

    If they were gonna use a "beefcake" as Dracula...

    by eye_h8_u

    Why the hell didn't they get Hulk Hogan?! "I'll suck yer blood brother!"

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 3:34:30 PM CDT

    The guy who directed this directed BLADE III in all 3 movies? FU

    by wadew

    And he wrote this too??? SWEET!!!!!

    ..........

    And the first reviewer guy wanted to see a blind nurse fight a vampire?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 5:07:15 PM CDT

    Neill is Patton Oswalt

    by fistymcasshands

    Patton is in Blade 3 and he writes things a lot like this for the Bob and David website (http://www.bobanddavid.com) under the pseudonym Eric Blevins. They're always pretty funny so go and read them all or I'll "open up a Wal-Mart of ballstomp all over you."

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 5:08:23 PM CDT

    Oh no, oh no.. Say it isn't so!!!

    by russman

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 5:48:08 PM CDT

    Duh-rected!

    by pair a'dice lost

    Goyer WROTE all 3, and is now directing his FIRST in the series.

    And this Neil Cumstain guy was in the movie!?!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 5:52:38 PM CDT

    okay, that cements it. He's gotta be Patton Oswalt.

    by spiffy-thedog

    Patton's in the movie, neill's in the movie, plus some other evidence that's been mentioned before. If neill IS patton that just makes him more awesome.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 6:24:35 PM CDT

    My favorite guess as to who Neill is would be David Cross.

    by lenny nero

    Look back on a few reviews, think about Mr. Show, I think it fits.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 6:38:13 PM CDT

    Blind People...

    by alfiemoon

    "What an insult. I believe that most blind people have amazingly acute hearing and sense of smell, which is heightened because their body tries to make up for lack of vision in other ways... but not here."---- Uh, no they don't. Not unless you're watching Daredevil. It's a common misconception, granted, but it's more insulting to some than making a movie in which a blind person (gasp!) can't see...

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 6:41:59 PM CDT

    Didn't see the last one, probably won't see this one.

    by fantomex

    Blade was an amazing movie, and one of the top 10 or even top 5 comic book movies of all time. Blade 2 was generice, tripe, unoriginal, and another whole host of adjectives I don't know that all mean "sucks". Now they add the chick from 7th heaven and the guy from Van Wilder and expect me not to laugh at the trailer. THIS IS FREAkIN' BLADE HERE.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 7:26:08 PM CDT

    They sould have given her some shorts and boots...

    by lambsilencer

    Tooo bead they didn't give Jessica Biel some short shirts and some hot knee-high boots to wear. Now THAT would have been a reason to have a hard-on through the movie... and a good reason to watch it over and over again!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 8:22:45 PM CDT

    What? A blad movie sucked? NO WAY!

    by sg7

    Seriously people, Blade II was ass. Blade was bearable. This sounds like ass+ delux.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 9:53:05 PM CDT

    I saw this movie where Eric Bogosian was a vampire once.

    by fluffyunbound

    He yelled at people who were calling in to this radio show and argued with Alec Baldwin a lot. // Neill has had better reviews. // Harmonica Man, when you come in late and ask stupid questions, nobody wins. // If Parker Posey is in this, it would be great if some of the cast of "Party Girl" showed up, acting like they were her friends, but she was all like "I'm a vampire, now, Falafel Man!" and bit their heads off. And right after that the raptors could show up. Fuck Yeah! That would be sweet.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 10:38:15 PM CDT

    Horrible writing? GOYER wrote BATMAT: BEGINS!

    by doghouse

    bah

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 21, 2004 10:54:43 PM CDT

    Used to be a big Parker Posey fan back in the days of HOUSE OF Y

    by frankdrebin

    ...but now it's like she's turned into Molly Shannon's Mary Katherine Gallagher. No subtlety, all yelling.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 12:02:09 AM CDT

    "and taking long ponderous showers to wash off blood..."

    by xavier masterson


    ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck yeah!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 12:42:44 AM CDT

    I believe that most blind people have amazingly acute hearing an

    by mimirogers3rdnip

    Many people make an effort to be amusing in their reviews. Now THAT was some funny shit! There is nothing more enjoyable than blatant ignorance. It's the purist form of comedy.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 1:23:32 AM CDT

    Simmer down, boys

    by ribbons

    Okay, that blind comment was a little wrong-headed. That doesn't mean it nullifies the entire review. "Oh, I want to agree with him, but he said that thing about heightened sensitivity that comes with blindness, so nothing he writes can ever be salient again." Please. Stop with the snickering. I thought most of the review was pretty well put-together, although he emulates Ebert a bit too much for my liking.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 1:49:08 AM CDT

    Ribbons, my man

    by mimirogers3rdnip

    I dont even remember if his review was positive or negative. I see all this shit eventually so dont really pay much attention as to who likes what. Deacon Frost was comical to me. A nobody mouthing off to higher ups about what they should do and what he's doing. Plop his funny ass into a mafia movie and watch him squeel. Is squeel a word? I dunno, but he'd do it. He's nothing. The second movie is nothing. And this movie will probably be nothing. But its all good fun. And a reviewer thinking blind people have super powers is even more amusing than the film. That's good stuff. Let me laugh.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 2:08:47 AM CDT

    I thought Whistler said in part 1

    by milleniumlance

    That a Vampire pretending to be a drifter killed his family...or was I listening to the wrong dialogue...

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 2:19:33 AM CDT

    Yes, whistler did say that his family had been killed in the fir

    by xavier masterson


    that doen't mean he couldn't have fathered another kid since then. So instead of being guilty of not telling the absolute truth about his family it's more likely that he's just guilty of a fuck and run. The nightstalkers have probably sought out whistler looking for child support payments.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 2:27:33 AM CDT

    Yeah, or maybe he THOUGHT his daughter was dead, and isn't.

    by lenny nero

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 4:11:00 AM CDT

    The middle of Iraq?

    by theginger twit

    that just kinda makes it seem shit right there. I mean, why Iraq?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 5:22:34 AM CDT

    "Non-Stop Fight Boner"

    by docpazuzu

    That's all I need to know about Blade 3. Count me in.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 6:00:14 AM CDT

    GingerTwit... I'll give you a hint why Iraq...

    by some dude

    It probably has something to do with Pazuzu.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 8:46:21 AM CDT

    See one pic here

    by gameraboy

    http://www.joblo.com/index.php?id=4841

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 8:53:16 AM CDT

    "Cream corn is shooting out your poo-tunnel"

    by jeditemple

    What a fag review... Geez, Harry. Can't you get someone who can review without getting so freakin' nasty?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 22, 2004 12:45:26 PM CDT

    Nintendo

    by ribbons

    When I heard that Abigail was gonna be Whistler's daughter, I thought the exact same thing. Unfortunately it's a bad habit of Goyer's to break the rules (or at least bend them) that he sets up in his own stories. I guess he could have fathered her after his family was killed, but it's nothing new. Like you said, he brought back Whistler after he already died because he "needed" him for a sequel. There's the whole thing about Blade being able to recognize vampires by the way they move yet he offs a normal person in this upcoming one because he mistakes them for a vampire. Also, this "Vampire Nation" always seems to be in flux. It's like Goyer never makes things concrete if he thinks it'll get in the way of the story he wants to tell, which bothers me. I don't have any old Nightstalker comics, but was Abigail even related to Whistler to begin with? I mean, why'd he have to make them father and daughter in the first place? To add more pathos? Whatever. Isn't the first time this has happened, but I've sort of become used to it. This is why I admire the first 'Blade' more than 'Blade II,' even though I liked the way it was shot. I mean, there's still some life in this old dog yet, although I don't like the news that the subplot of his thirst for blood is barely addressed in 'Trinity' either. We'll just have to wait and see.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Jul 23, 2004 11:16:44 AM CDT

    let's see a _tomb of dracula_ animated series!

    by duanejones

    scripts by marv "we settled amicably" wolfman, storyboards by gene colan and tom palmer. maybe get this guy wesley from michael jackson's "bad" (in a few senses) video to do the voice of this "blade" guy...very happy marvel FINALLY reprinted perhaps its best book of the 70's, although englehart's _dr. strange_, featuring the ineffable colan/palmer team, rocked pretty frigging hard, as well. end of the universe one issue, its re-creation the next...truly, giants strode the work-for-hire-verse then...

    Reply to Talkback

User Login

Forgot password? Retrieve it here

or register as new user

Quick Talkback Form

Please login to post talkback