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Wildly positive reviews for VAN HELSING'
Hey folks, Harry here... The slagging on VAN HELSING has seemingly taken on gigantic levels of seeming joy by those that hate it... Whereas the "alleged" supporters dared not send in their reviews... Was it fear of confronting a hostile Talk Back, sharpening their teeth to feast upon the body of this film with glee? Possibly. I like the trailers for this movie... The "I AM HOLLOW" clip on Yahoo was beyond horrible, and the acting in the clips was awfully stiff. However, last night offered a new wrinkle.
First, The Hollywood Reporter's Kirk Honeycutt's wildly positive review... Then there's Variety's Todd McCarthy's so-so even-handed review! Taken in tandem, this paints a wildly divergent picture of VAN HELSING from the abyssmal mountain of mule dung, that seemingly every spy prior to this point in time has said. Todd mentions in his review that audiences will be fiercely divided in their love and hate for the film. Wildly diverging from established histories and mythologies with the characters and with the Universal Symbol itself... well, there is the potential for MASSIVE FAN BACKLASH.
Ok... What about Geeks, Fans, Folks like us... Can they like the film? The answer seems to be "Yes". Here's Bozo The Fucking Clown...
Harry --
I just wanted to write to you because I'm pissed as hell. I just got back from the premiere of Van Helsing. And I'm pissed for a reason your readers may not understand. It's not because the movie sucked... because it DIDN'T SUCK. I'm pissed because I expected it to suck. I had the words "This movie sucks balls" in my head for the first half of the movie. I'm pissed because all I've read is shitty, shitty reviews. I'm pissed because I actually let those reviews get to me. And I'm pissed that I spent half the movie wondering, "How could I actually be enjoying this... I'm not supposed to enjoy this... this movie sucks balls, right?"
I didn't plan on liking this movie. I didn't plan on PAYING for this movie. But I went, figuring, "What the hell... free premiere... free movie... free drinks." And, so, there I sat, expecting to sit through a piece of shit film and waiting for the gin & tonic at the end of the night. And I sat there thinking, "Here we go... get through this and you'll get to ogle some C-level starlettes soon enough."
But, I'll be damned... all of your fucking jaded-ass reviewers were wrong. I watched and I found myself jump at the scares. I found myself laughing at the jokes. And I found myself actually having a good time at the movies. I thought Dracula was pretty funny... I thought Kate Beckinsale was hot... I thought David Wenham was great... I though Hugh played a perfect pulp action hero. I don't give a shit how many people are now prepping to write in the talkbacks that say, "Planty, plant, plant... potted leafy thing... blah blah blah" Fuck them for being too scared of having a positive opinion. Fuck 'em all.
I've been reading the site for about 5 years now and I don't blame you, Harry, for cultivating this sense of negativism. I guess it is much easier to tear down a movie that seeks to entertain (even in the broadest sense) than to praise something that is the essence of going to the movies. But it's just so fucking sad that we all take shit way too seriously... I cop to it, too... I took the reviews of some half-wits with no sense of fun way too seriously.
This is a damned fun movie. I make no bones about it. And I'll continue to praise it. I'm a guy who always wanted to be a part of the movies and I suspect that it was all started by a trip to Universal Studios with my parents when I was 5. Yeah, I remember it. I've got a picture of me with Frankenstein (some guy who was probably paid nothing to wear a mask and scare 5 year olds). And, as I got older, I watched those classic monster movies. They're amazing. They're great. I love them. I continue to watch them occasionally. But that does not mean that I can't appreciate this one. No one has shit on my childhood here. It's a new generation. It's a new movie. It's a new age. And I'd be willing to bet that Tod Browning would use visual effects in HIS movie, if he could have.
So, that's it. It took a whole lot of bastards and a really fun movie to get me to write in to you. And I'll see it again - but this time I won't have the shit-stirring, piss-headed, fuck-for-brains, bastard-children reviews in my head -- and I'll sit back and enjoy a fucking fun ride.
Thanks for letting me vent. And, go ahead, amuse me... print this... and maybe someone will get a little motivation to not take all of this too seriously and to have the balls to admit that they appreciated it for what it is.
-- Bozo the Fucking Clown.Now - call me crazy... but that really doesn't sound like a plant. The day studios start paying guys named "Bozo The Fucking Clown" to vent and piss on a readership for having no spirit of fun, of being callous cynics that love to tear everything down... And seems to project a geniune sense of shock and amazement at his own sense of joy with the film... WELL... I believe this guy.
Just as I believed the guy that claimed it was a $200 Million Dollar TROMA film and meant that in a good way. In talking to Beaks, he claimed that VAN HELSING was perhaps a hair better than MUMMY RETURNS... well, I fucking had a blast with MUMMY RETURNS. I had wished like hell that ILM had had an extra month or so to finish their work on the cg Scorpion King, but other than that... It was a crazy kitchen sink sort of film. I have such a love for Pygmy Vine-Swinging Mummies.... and Jules Verne style fantasy flying Blimp machines... and mysterious hawk messaging dude... and a tough and smart kid that geniunely was fun... and a much better story than in the first film.
I'll be seeing this tonight... I'm curious as hell. I've seen SO MANY Spiteful reviews of the film. Far more than I published, and I just haven't been getting any positives. 2 positives and TONS of negatives, but Kirk Honeycutt's review and the above Bozo The Fucking Clown's review give me hope. I'm going hoping to have fun... hoping to get an E-ticket ride through amphetimine nightmare in a Universal Sommers fashion.
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That`s the beauty of it. And if people don`t get that, well go watch The Ring and stop annoying the rest of us about it.
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YES!
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Well, that's going to show up in a lot of future Talkbacks. Shit Harry, why don't you just say "I LIKE LITTLE BOYZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" and send the TBers into such a frothing teezy that they die on their own foam? But of course, the real question is: would Matrix: Reloaded been better if there had been Pygmy Vine-Swinging Mummies?!?
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i enjpyed "The Mummy", it was fun, it had beena while since we I had seen that sort of theng...you know. The massive hype around "The Mummy Returns" was unavoidable and I got caught up in it. The actual movie itself was fun in it's own way, but more telling to me, at least, was the fact that when someone the next day asked me what I had done over the weekend, well, I couldn't tell them. I had forgotten i had watched it! It just didn't impact on me on any real sort of level. Van Helsing seems to me to look a bit the same. I just get the feeling that it will be like the Mummy, except with vampires and their respective hunters. Even with Kate Beckinsale being as hot as a really hot thing soaked in hot sauce I just can't get excited. I'll wait for word-of-mouth, methinks.
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May 04, 2004 6:28:05 AM CDT
MUMMY RETURNS WAS KINDA FLAT. SO THIS IS BETTER? I'LL GO SEE IT.
by el zar
Hope it's not monstrously idiotic.
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Potted plant to be sure, though, as Bozo still saw the movie for free (plus free drinks? -- doubly potted). Look, I may be pretty jaded, but I do like fun movies. The thing is, I still need the fun movies to be GOOD. That means I don't want to cringe at bad storytelling and lame jokes. Anytime I find myself slouching in my seat in embarassment for paying for a shitty movie is not a fun time. And I was slouching just watching the "VH" trailer (not to mention the TV spots where Helsing or another character is swinging on four different rope/vines in four seemingly different scenes/sets). Oh yeah, and I don't trust anyone who jumped at a "scare" in a Sommers movie. Unless the scare was Beckinsale's accent.
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whenever some idiot talks about people taking a movie too seriously, it always - ALWAYS means they know it's awful but for some reason won't admit it.
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May 04, 2004 8:00:17 AM CDT
Thought mummy returns was rather fake looking but this looks muc
by braine
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May 04, 2004 8:11:47 AM CDT
Fuck it...I'll say it...cause I ain't scared of no man!
by chickengeorgevii
Planty, plant, plant... potted leafy thing... blah blah blah....And thus, I have said it! - - - George, The 7th Chicken!!!!
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May 04, 2004 8:42:36 AM CDT
I'm positive...but I wish they had showcased the individual mons
by drath
I still want to see this, but watching the Legacy collection and being reminded how strong some of those old movies were (and how lame some others were) that I can't help but wish Sommers had first made a trilogy of movies that showcased each of the monsters, THEN done this Van Helsing team up that makes use of the combined mythology. Dracula could have been approached as a fatal attraction story with someone like Jude Law in the underused Jonathan Harker role and Ralph Fiennes as the young and old Dracula (and Michael Caine as Abraham Van Helsing!). The James Whale Frankenstein could have been remade but staged like Jaws, with Henri Frankenstien (John Malkovich) , his rival Victor, and the little girl's father making up the trio of monster hunters in the final act. Wolfman could have been a darker version of the prodical son, with Christian Bale as Larry Talbot and Ben Kingsley as his dad! Okay, nevermind, all that sucks like a studio exec board meeting. I'll go see Van Helsing instead. I hope I like it as much as Bozo the Fucking Clown. My god what a sad sentence.
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This is truly incredible. Nothing but complete dogshit reviews, yet Harry still scrambling to find positive things to say about this movie.
Then why even post the negative reviews you ask? Because Harry is AN EVIL GENIUS. He maintains his credibility by posting accurate reviews ("movie sucks nuts"), but still relentlessly shills the movie to increase ticket sales. He is doing his part to deliver a big opening weekend for reasons that can only be speculated upon (payola, S. Sommers blow job, just cuz he can). We've been burned many times before people: Poolhall Junkies, LXG, Daredevil - the list goes on. Relentless overcoverage on this site generally equals shitty movie. The only thing that surprises me is that we aren't being simultaneously flooded with negative reviews of New York Minute. -
Yeah, Van Helsing is fucking fun and entertaining!
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Sorry,
Somebody had to say it whether it's true or not. It may not.
VH looks terribly campy. Yes, that is what made other movies Mummy and Mummy returns so good, but I don't know about this one.
I think I'll just rent it and save my movie moolah for HP3 or Spidey 2: electric bugaloo! -
For a film that's been so pissed on (and I would venture to say where there's so much smoke, there is probably fire), it is not inconceivable that you would go in expecting to hate it and imagining something far worse than what actually appears, so you mihgt come out with an opinion like this guy's. That said, I still get a feeling of plantitude by his using of the apparent party line adopted by Universal's marketing department: this is for a new generation, blah blah, this is a FUN movie for the average moviegoer (who BTW does not give a FUCK whether it's Frankenstein or Frankenstein's Monster, whether the doctor who created him is Henry or Victor, etc). I do not agree with these claims, but hey, this movie is out to have its cake and eat it too by attracting morbidly curious fanboys going to see just how bad it could be, as well as yer average 16-18 year old. Bottom line...I do believe it will suck. I believe that the above is a more savvy plant than what we've seen before. I believe that Norrington doesn't give a crap what anybody here thinks, as this thing will clean up at the box office. Later...
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One hack equals another. My bad. Might as well add Simon West and Paul Anderson, too.
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One hack equals another. My bad. Might as well add Simon West and Paul Anderson, too.
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They're both lying mother f---ing sell-outs!!!. Harry you are such a f---ing sell-out. Why do you care so much about this project? What is your connection? Are you friends with the director? There has to be some connection between your undying efforts to make people think this movie should be seen and Mori's crap article on the new Mummy ride at Universal (worst article EVER). Where's the connection and why aren't you telling us??? This site and your words used to mean something. Traitor.
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This guy claims to know his classic monster movies, and yet he called Dr. Frankenstein's Creature, "Frankenstein"!?" Sure, I'll take his opinion anyday regarding this film...
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If this guy's a plant, he's the most brilliantly convincing plant ever. And we may as well stop trying to look for plants, because they're obviously a lot smarter and sneakier than we are. And I say this as someone who can't stand Stephen Sommers and remains convinced that Van Helsing will be a smelly turd. But you know what? There are probably those who disagree with me and are not paid to do so! Like the Hollywood Reporter and Variety, which I notice all the "PLANT!!!!" screamers are conveniently failing to mention! Hell, if I believed in plants and bribes operating on the level that the Talkbackers do, I'd have no choice but to believe Jeffrey Katzenberg bribed everyone in Hollywood into thinking "Shrek" was a good movie, which now that I think about it is the only explanation that makes sense. Good thing I'm not that paranoid.
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Why is it the good reviews are the reviews where every idiot goes PLANT. What happens if all the bad reviews were written by plants, people paid off by other studios? Or maybe all the people saying Plant all the time are actually plants themselves for other studios?
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For those too mentally-challenged to figure out the above title, I'm referring to the big-brained, know-it-all experts on this site who consider themselves the ultimate authorities on identifying PLANTS! Bozo is abolutely right about the cynical attitude here. It's slowly eating away any chance that AICN will ever have legitimate positive reviews in the future. Why would anyone go through the time and effort to compose a review of a film they liked when they know their efforts will be shit on by a bunch of losers who think they know so much about the movie and PR business that they can spot a studio shill a mile away? I recently saw "Appleseed" here in Japan and loved it. I even considered submitting a review to Harry. But I made the mistake of going through a few positive reviews that had been posted that day on AICN. After reading the Talkbacks I thought to myself, "Why bother, these jaded pricks will just piss on my review and call me a plant just because I had the nerve to actually like the movie and stayed awake in English class. If it were just a vocal minority that acted this way, I wouldn't have minded. But like a disease, this negative attitude is infecting everyone, or it's scaring normal folks away so only the assholes are left. Now some of you are going to be saying, "Ooh, the wuss is scared of us." No. I'd actually have to give a shit about your opinion in order to be scared of you. I don't. It's more about whether the people on this site are worth the effort. That I'm less sure about these days. The people here who make it a career of screaming "PLANT" are like those parasitic losers (we all know at least one) who always show up at parties thrown by OTHER people but who never bring anything to contribute, but are the first to criticize the quality of the food or drinks. When I find people like that, I eventually tell them to stay the fuck away from my house. Too bad Harry can't do the same.
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i bet van helsing is good. i haven't been lucky enough to see it yet but based on the geeks saying it sucked means it is good. you peole rip apart good movies all the time 'cause they dont live up to your geek standards. losers. enjoy a movie for the pure escapism and not critisize the little things. oh an get laid nerds.
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May 04, 2004 11:57:39 PM CDT
Ahem...Planty, plant, plant... potted leafy thing... yeah, fuck
by douglasah
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Get off your fucking high-horses...": This guy claims to know his classic monster movies, and yet he called Dr. Frankenstein's Creature, "Frankenstein"!?" Sure, I'll take his opinion anyday regarding this film..." The General public calls the Frankenstein Monster Frankenstein. Its just something you need to deal with. And technically the monster's name in the book was Adam. Fucktard.
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This reviewer is 100% legit, and I totally believe him. Van Helsing will be awesome, as long as you don't analyse the hell out of it. It's a Summer popcorn movie for heaven's sakes.
I swear, most of you deserve to be shot. Harry's not a dumbass and sees past the crappy reviews which are no doubt made by cynics who wouldn't know fun if they were sent into a coma by it. Harry's right on to post this review and side with the movie. How about you 10 year olds rack off and let people with brains get FAIR reviews of movies by people who know what they're on about.
Positive doesn't equal plant. -
Start with what you remember of The Mummy Returns. Now remove what little wit there was; disregard the entire history and mythos of monsters as you know them; cut out any attempts at characterization; disregard the laws of known physics; add 80% more CGI effects; amp up the speed so fast that your not sure if you're watching a movie or playing a video game, and you'll have a pretty good sense of what to expect from Van Helsing.
Trust me, you'll love it. Everyone in marketing is certain of that. -
May 05, 2004 2:51:23 AM CDT
You liked Mummy Returns but Hated MATRIX REVOLUTIONS?!?!
by rcamacho2278
I don't get it harry. What the fuck is going on in your head?
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Perhaps because The Mummy Returns was fun and The Matrix Revolutions was boring as hell?
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Even if it sucks, I am only contributing 2.50 to its gross. Actually, it will be 5 bucks, since I have to pay for the girlfriend. If anyone hears a guy yelling out his window; "This boring ass movie is making my girlfriend SUCK DEEZ NUTS!", it is me.
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I 've been goin to AICN for over five yrs now, and I must say that I've been coming here less and less because of idiots who post here either to berate the hell out of other posters or to continuosly bash films that they themselves have not seen. I mean c'mon do you people really get this much joy out of totaly destroying or ripping on a film makers work? I'm pretty sure all of you who do this only have the balls to do it on this faceless forum. If you were face to face with Sommers or whoever else you bitch about on these talkbacks you'd probably be kissing their asses off. I mean all of you have such poison coming out of your mouths its a wonder why you even come to this site or even watch movies. Oh yeah for the one who posted that only stupid people would watch this movie and the smart ones wont, If your expecting a deep smart philosophical movie involving a vampire, a werewolf, and a reanimated creature I dont know what crap your on but give me some of it. Also Harry didnt like Reloaded but loved Revolutions so give the red headed step child a break. Im done wasting my time you little pricks who act or are 12yr olds!
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This guy is STILL somewhat of an insider. And I too, am tired of the whole "leave your brain at the door and just have fun" mentality when it comes to making and reviewing film. That's fine when you're talking about low-budget Friday the 13th kind of shit, but I expect a-little more with big names and big studio money involved. I mean, I can "take something for what it is" as well as the next guy, but even if it's "meant to be silly and fun" it should still reach a certain level of 'good', or 'well-thought-out'(Lucas...hint). Shit doesn't always have to be stupid just because it's fantasy, as LOTR clearly demonstrates...nuff said P.S. 'The Mummy Returns' STILL sux
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May 06, 2004 1:20:57 AM CDT
These Plants are getting far more creative in sneaking in their
by ted striker
Stop watering them, Harry.
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Just kidding. Har !
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