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A Different Type Of Review of VAN HELSING!!!
Hey folks, Harry here... I'm not sure what this review says, but it could very well be a wildly positive review of VAN HELSING. However, due to my thoroughly American education, I can barely understand the English language much less one of the romantic tongues. However, whilst scanning the review trying desperately to understand Fuck Helsing's intention I did notice words that stood out to possibly give an indication of the writer's intent... Like: "Terribilmente" or "Ridicoli" which I believe probably mean "Super Genius" or "Astonishing," but I could be wrong. Here ya go...
Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), un cacciatore di mostri al guinzaglio del Vaticano
di fine diciannovesimo secolo, combatte contro Dracula, Frankenstein, l’uomo
lupo e altre creature orrende, perché deve… Ok, lo ammetto: non ho capito la
trama. Anzi, forse l’ho capita ed è inesistente.
Comunque sia, mettiamola così: c’è un tizio che ammazza i mostri.
Stare a guardare ‘Van Helsing’ è come vedere una brutta cartolina creata per
rappresentare l’Italia (o una qualsiasi altra nazione) intera; immaginate che
orrore: la Torre di Pisa piantata all’interno del Colosseo circondato dai
faraglioni di Capri con il Duomo di Milano sullo sfondo coperto dalla cupola di
San Pietro. Il tutto, appoggiato su un’enorme pizza margherita.
Ecco, questa è la sensazione che si prova nel vedere quest’accozzaglia di mostri
e miti del cinema e della letteratura dell’orrore ammucchiati l’uno sull’altro,
una baracconata patetica che rende volgari le creature più celebri dell’horror
classico fino a trasformarle in pupazzi senz’anima.
Non si salva nessuno: l’uomo lupo, Dracula, il dottor Jekyll, la creatura di
Frankenstein, lo stesso scienziato pazzo e il servitore Igor (si pronuncerÃ
forse “Aigor”?). Tutti nello stesso, sterile calderone di pressappochismo
regolato dalla logica dell’accumulo, una serie infinita (e noiosissima:
nonostante il frastuono assordante ho rischiato di addormentarmi per almeno
quattro volte) di inquadrature vorticose che invece di stupire suscitano
soltanto smarrimento e generano insofferenza: già dopo venti minuti non ne
potevo più di vedere gente volare appesa per i piedi.
Prevedibile e terribilmente ripetitivo nel suo essere spettacolare a tutti i
costi e ad ogni istante, ‘Van Helsing’ sfoggia uno degli script più ridicoli che
la storia recente del cinema ad alto budget ricordi, con dialoghi talmente
risibili da giustificare chi decidesse di vedere questo film con carta e penna a
portata di mano, per poter tramandare ai posteri l’incredibile sequela di
stronzate che vengono dette.
Le lievi tracce di autoironia suonano false, forzate e si manifestano sempre
quando ormai è troppo tardi.
E dire che per sapere come scrivere con successo una sceneggiatura basata su una
“war of the monsters” sarebbe stato sufficiente vedere ‘Freddy Vs. Jason’…
Per quanto i due protagonisti siano ok, a rendere ancora più insopportabile il
film ci pensa Richard Roxburgh (Dracula), con un’interpretazione talmente sopra
le righe e gigionesca che fa venire voglia di suicidarsi piantandosi in petto un
paletto di frassino. Un vero peccato per un attore che si era distinto come
ottimo caratterista in film come ‘Moulin Rouge’ (era il nobile malvagio) e
‘Mission: Impossible II’ (lo scagnozzo del cattivo).
Il personaggio caratterizzato (ma questa volta l’attore non c’entra nulla) nella
maniera più cialtronesca è senza dubbio la creatura di Frankenstein, con un
volto somigliante al Peter Boyle di ‘Frankenstein Junior’ e talmente pieno di
lucette colorate e scariche elettriche da sembrare un pupazzo.
Kate Beckinsale si limita – saggiamente – ad essere bona e a mostrare
fugacemente due chiappe favolose fasciate da un paio di pantaloni che sembrano
esserle stati dipinti addosso.
Hugh Jackman si salva dalla catastrofe grazie al ricordo ancora fresco di ‘X-Men
2’ (questo tizio è nato per essere Wolverine), e con equità riuscirà a far
accelerare il polso di qualche donzella mostrandosi a petto nudo in una scena in
cui sembra interpretare Tarzan.
La regia di Stephen Sommers è inetta come al solito; il regista sembra non aver
mosso un solo passo in avanti rispetto ai suoi film precedenti (‘La mummia’ e
‘La mummia – il ritorno’, che probabilmente saranno piaciuti a molti di voi ma
che a me hanno fatto ultra-schifo), e si appoggia – anche stavolta – a
scopiazzature irritanti di pellicole come ‘Blade 2’ (la bomba luminosa) e
‘Guerre stellari’ (guardate i piccoli aiutanti di Dracula e ditemi se non sono
dei cloni dei Javas di ‘Star Wars’!).
Chi mi conosce personalmente, poi, farà fatica a credere a quello che leggerÃ
nelle righe seguenti: il sonoro di ‘Van Helsing’ è esagerato e fastidioso.
Ebbene sì: nonostante io ami l’audio-bordello, gli effetti sonori a valanga e i
bassi che ti spaccano in due, stavolta sono uscito dal cinema completamente
rintronato da un continuo bombardamento auditivo, un fracasso insostenibile
lungo oltre due ore.
Da segnalare positivamente i sontuosi costumi dell’italiana premio Oscar
Gabriella Pescucci, le evocative ed elaborate scenografie di Allan Cameron, la
fotografia d’atmosfera di Allen Daviau e la musica di Alan Silvestri,
credenziali coreografiche che salvano il film dall’aggiudicarsi il minimo dei voti.
Gli effetti speciali – in gran parte realizzati dalla Industrial Light & Magic –
variano dall’ottimo al mediocre (sembrerà una battuta, ma è probabile che
durante la post-produzione di ‘Van Helsing’ i tre quarti dell’azienda stessero
lavorando a ‘Star Wars Episodio III’).
Un caciara-movie che potrà piacere soltanto ai ragazzini al di sotto dei 14
anni, come quello che in sala avevo seduto a fianco e che si è divertito come un
pazzo.
Beato lui.
Fuck Helsing
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+ Expand All
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que?
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I was invited to a screening of this on Monday night as part of that stupid MTV Movie House show. It was incredibly cheesy and struggled to find that balance between horror and humor. It was campier than the MUMMY movies but not nearly as entertaining and that ridiculous CGI fight at the end was laughably bad. I figured that the next genre film I see couldn't be as bad, right? So I check out a preview screening of BLADE: TRINITY tonight and guess what? It sucks. It sucks HARD. Harry will probably get a review of that steaming pile before the week is out. Two lame Dracula's in one week is a little too much for me.
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That is all.
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Its "bloated il mucchio del turd cinematic"
Thanks -
Hey Harry
I translated it for you.
Excuse the ridiculousness of some it, I admit I used Babelfish translator. It makes for a funnier read!
Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), a hunter of monster to the leash of the Vatican of aim nineteenth century, fights against Dracula, Frankenstein, the man lupo and other creatures orrende, because it must... Ok, I admit it: I have not understood the weft. Perhaps indeed, I have understood it and is nonexistent. However it is, we put it therefore: there is a tizio that it kills the monster.
To be to watch ` Van Helsing' is like seeing one ugly created postcard in order to represent Italy (or one whichever other nation) entire; imagined that horror: the Tower of Pisa planted to the inside of the Colosseo encircled from the faraglioni of Goats with the Dome of Milan on the background covered from the cupola of Saint Peter. All, supported on an enormous peak daisy. Here, this is the feeling that test in seeing this accozzaglia of monster and myths of the cinema and the literature of the horror piles up one to you on the other, baracconata one pathetic that renders the creatures gross more celebrates of horror the classic until transforming them in pupazzi senz' spirit. Nobody is not saved: perhaps the man lupo, Dracula, dottor the Jekyll, the creature of Frankenstein, the same crazy scientist and the servitore Igor ("Aigor" will be pronounced). All in the same, sterile cauldron of pressappochismo regulated from logic of I accumulate, one the series infinite (and most annoying: although the deafening din I have risked to addormentarmi in order at least four times) of whirling inquadrature that instead astonishing provoke only loss and generate intolerance: already after twenty minuteren not of I could more than to see people to fly hanging for the feet.
Expectable and terribly repetitive in its spectacular being at all costs and constantly, ` Van Helsing' sfoggia one of the scripts more ridicules that the recent history of the cinema to high budget memories, with converses so risibili to justify who decided to see this film with paper and pen to hand capacity, for being able to hand on to the stronzate posteri the incredible one sequela of that they come said. The light traces of autoironia play false, forced and they always manifest when by now it is too much late. And to say that for knowing as to write with succeeding a scenario based on "war of the monsters" would have been sufficient to see ` Freddy Vs. Jason'...
For how much the two protagonists are ok, to render still more insopportabile the film Richard Roxburgh (Dracula thinks to us), with an interpretation so over the lines and gigionesca that ago to come wants to kill leaveing in chest a small pole of frassino. A true sin for an actor who had distinguished itself like optimal caratterista in film like ` Moulin Rouge' (was the nobleman malvagio) and ` Mission: Impossible II' (the scagnozzo of the bad one). The characterized personage (but this time the actor enters not there null) in the cialtronesca way is without doubt the creature of Frankenstein, with a somigliante to Peter Boyle of ` Frankenstein Junior' and so full face of lucette colorful and scariche electrical workers to seem a pupazzo. Kate Beckinsale is limited - saggiamente - to being bona and to show fugacemente two chiappe fabulous wrapped from a pair of pants that seem them are painted I lean. Hugh Jackman saves from the catastrophe thanks to the still fresh memory of ` X-Men 2' (this tizio is been born for being Wolverine), and with fairness it will succeed to make to accelerate the wrist of some donzella showing to chest knot in a scene in which it seems to interpret Tarzan.
The direction of Stephen Sommers is inept as usual; the director seems not to have moved a single step in ahead regarding its films previous (`La mummia' and ` mummia - the ritorno', than probably they will be piaciuti to many of you but that to me they have made ultra-schifo), and she supports - also stavolta - to annoying scopiazzature of films as ` Blade 2' (the luminous bomb) and ` Wars stellari' (watched the adjuvant small of Dracula and says to me if they are not of the cloni of the Javas of ` Star Wars'!). Who knows to me personally, then, will make hard work to believe to what she will read in the following lines: the sonorous one of ` Van Helsing' is exaggerated and annoying. Well yes: although I love the sonorous audio-brothel, effects headlong and the bottoms that crack to you in two, stavolta I am exited from the cinema completely rintronato from a continuous auditory strafing, an indefensible failure along beyond two hours.
To signal positively the sontuosi customs of the Italian prize Oscar Gabriella Pescucci, the evocative and elaborated scenografie of Allan Cameron, the atmosphere photography of Allen Daviau and music of Alan Silvestri, choreographic credentials that save the film adjudicating itself the minimum of the ballots. The special effects - in great part it realizes you from the Industrial Light & Magic - vary from the optimal one to the mediocre one (will seem one battered, but it is probable that during the post-production of ` Van Helsing' the three quarters of the company were working to ` Star Wars Episode III').
A caciara-movie that will be able only appeals to to the children under the 14 years, like what in it knows I had seated it to flank and that has been amused like a crazy one. Made happy he.
Fuck Helsing -
Since I use a Mac at work, I also have Sherlock as one of the apps I can use. While this program is terrible at translating anything other than a few words at a time, it's still helpful to get a general meaning of something - and the meaning behind this Italian review is that the movie sucks. One of the lines this guy says, translated, reads: "The direction of Stephen Sommers is inept as usual; the director seems not to have moved a single step ahead in regards to his previous films." The reviewer also makes a point of slamming the special effects, and ends by saying this movie would only appeal to children under 14 years old, who wouldn't know any better. I gotta say, after all these bad reviews, I may also hold off on seeing this movie when it comes out.
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Hey Psyclops!!!!!!!!!!!!
More info, why does Blade:Trinity suck? Tell us more, without spoilers if possible. -
Apr 28, 2004 7:32:33 AM CDT
A translation (sort of) - Strongly implied negative review , I t
by shan
I ran this article through a machine translator at
www.worldlingo.com
not totally comprehensable but a few bits came out ...
quotes from translation ...
I think this might be tending towards the negative ...
"To be to watch ` Van Helsing' is like seeing one ugly created postcard
in order to represent Italy"
"Expectable and terribly repetitive in its spectacular being at all
costs and constantly"
"The direction of Stephen Sommers is inept as usual; the director seems not to have ahead moved a single step in regarding
its previous films"
Full text below ...
Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), a hunter of monster to the leash of the Vatican of aim nineteenth
century, it fights against Dracula, Frankenstein, the man lupo and other creatures orrende, because it must... Ok, I admit: I have not understood the weft. Indeed, perhaps I have understood it and is nonexistent. However it is, we put it therefore: there is a tizio that it kills the monster.
To be to watch ` Van Helsing' is like seeing one ugly created postcard
in order to represent Italy (or one whichever other nation) entire; imagined that horror: the Tower of Pisa planted to the inside of the Colosseo encircled from
the faraglioni of Goats with the Dome of Milan on the background
covered from the cupola of Saint Peter. All, supported on an enormous peak daisy. Here, this is the feeling that test in seeing this accozzaglia of monster
and myths of the cinema and the literature of the horror piles up one
to you on the other, baracconata one pathetic that renders the creatures more gross
celebrates of horror the classic until transforming them in pupazzi
senz' spirit. Nobody is not saved: the man lupo, Dracula, dottor the Jekyll, the creature of Frankenstein, perhaps the same crazy scientist and the servitore Igor (will be
pronounced "Aigor"?). All in the same one, sterile cauldron of pressappochismo regulated from logic of I
accumulate, one the series infinite (and most annoying: although the deafening din I have risked to addormentarmi in order at
least four times) of whirling inquadrature that instead astonishing
provoke only loss and generate intolerance: already after twenty minuteren not of I could more than to see people
to fly hanging for the feet.
Expectable and terribly repetitive in its spectacular being at all
costs and constantly, ` Van Helsing' sfoggia one of the scripts more ridicules that the
recent history of the cinema to high budget memories, with it converses so risibili to justify who decided to see this film
with paper and pen to hand capacity, for being able to hand on to the stronzate posteri the incredible one
sequela of that they come said. The light traces of autoironia play false, forced and always manifest when by now it is too much late. And to say that for knowing as to write with succeeding a scenario
based on "war of the monsters" would have been sufficient to see `
Freddy Vs. Jason'...
For how much the two protagonists are ok, to render still more insopportabile the film Richard Roxburgh (Dracula
thinks to us), with an interpretation so over the lines and gigionesca that ago to
come wants to kill leaveing in chest a small pole of frassino. A true sin for an actor who had distinguished itself like optimal
caratterista in film like ` Moulin Rouge' (was the nobleman malvagio)
and ` Mission: Impossible II' (the scagnozzo of the bad one). The characterized personage (but this time the actor enters not there
null) in the cialtronesca way is without doubt the creature of
Frankenstein, with a somigliante to Peter Boyle of ` Frankenstein Junior' and so
full face of lucette colorful and scariche electrical workers to seem
a pupazzo. Kate Beckinsale is limited - saggiamente - to being bona and to show
fugacemente two chiappe fabulous wrapped from a pair of pants that
seem them are painted I lean. Hugh Jackman saves from the catastrophe thanks to the still fresh
memory of ` X-Men 2' (this tizio is been born for being Wolverine), and with fairness it will succeed to make to accelerate the wrist of
some donzella showing to chest knot in a scene in which it seems to
interpret Tarzan.
The direction of Stephen Sommers is inept as usual; the director seems not to have ahead moved a single step in regarding
its previous films (`La mummia' and ` mummia - the ritorno', that probably they will be piaciuti to many of you but that to me they
have made ultra-schifo), and it is leaned - also stavolta - to annoying scopiazzature of films
as ` Blade 2' (the luminous bomb) and ` Wars stellari' (watched the
adjuvant small of Dracula and says to me if they are not of the cloni
of the Javas of ` Star Wars'!). Who knows to me personally, then, it will make hard work to believe to what it will read in the
following lines: the sonorous one of ` Van Helsing' is exaggerated and annoying. Well yes: although I love the audio-brothel, the sonorous effects headlong and the bottoms that crack to you in
two, stavolta they are exited from the cinema completely rintronato from a
continuous auditory strafing, an indefensible failure along beyond two hours.
To signal positively the sontuosi customs of the Italian prize Oscar
Gabriella Pescucci, the evocative and elaborated scenografie of Allan Cameron, the atmosphere photography of Allen Daviau and music of Alan
Silvestri, choreographic credentials that save the film adjudicating itself the
minimum of the ballots. The special effects - in great part it realizes you from the
Industrial Light & Magic - vary from the optimal one to the mediocre
one (will seem one struck, but it is probable that during the post-production of ` Van Helsing'
the three quarters of the company were working to ` Star Wars Episode
III').
Un caciara-movie che potr -
Don't want to stray off topic but... let me just say that I loved the first BLADE, enjoyed the hell out of the second one and was very disappointed with this third one. The story was weak and involved a villain that had absolutely no menace to him at all. If you're going to introduce a character like Dracula in any movie (including Van Helsing) that isn't a broad comedy like LOVE AT FIRST BITE, can you at least try to make him scary? Van Helsing's Dracula is weak and non threatening while BLADE's Dracula is a character who isn't given much to work with (much like Nomak in the second film). He isn't as dark and menacing as he should have been. Also, B:T had a very low budget, almost direct-to-video feel with the lame fight sequences and weak villains. It's lacking in the style that made the first two work. Van Helsing at least had the right look and a decent enough cast to pull it off but failed to deliver because of the horrible script and campy dialogue. I don't know, I'd say skip both of these films or at least wait for them to hit the bargain theaters. Sorry for getting off topic.
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I will be upset to see that they've dropped the ball on this 3rd installment - LOVED the first (bar shoddy CG), LIKED the 2nd - was hoping the third would be of high standard to make this a solid trilogy.
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Am I the only person that still really wants to see this?
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Hulk Hogan as Van Helsing! And Mr. T as the Wolfman! "You're going down, brother!" "I pity the vampire hunter who try to mess with the Wolfman!"
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Hey Harry, I just ran that Italian review of Van Helsing through Babelfish (http://babel.altavista.com/translate.dyn). While it didn't translate everything, it gave enough to indicate this guy thought the film inhaled with vibrant gusto. Here is what I got:
Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), a hunter of monster to the leash of the Vatican of aim nineteenth century, fights against Dracula, Frankenstein, the man lupo and other creatures orrende, because it must... Ok, I admit it: I have not understood the weft. Perhaps indeed, I have understood it and is nonexistent. However it is, we put it therefore: there is a tizio that it kills the monster. To be to watch ` Van Helsing' is like seeing one ugly created postcard in order to represent Italy (or one whichever other nation) entire; imagined that horror: the Tower of Pisa planted to the inside of the Colosseo encircled from the faraglioni of Goats with the Dome of Milan on the background covered from the cupola of Saint Peter. All, supported on an enormous peak daisy. Here, this is the feeling that test in seeing this accozzaglia of monster and myths of the cinema and the literature of the horror piles up one to you on the other, baracconata one pathetic that renders the creatures gross more celebrates of horror the classic until transforming them in pupazzi senz' spirit. Nobody is not saved: perhaps the man lupo, Dracula, dottor the Jekyll, the creature of Frankenstein, the same crazy scientist and the servitore Igor ("Aigor" will be pronounced). All in the same, sterile cauldron of pressappochismo regulated from logic of I accumulate, one the series infinite (and most annoying: although the deafening din I have risked to addormentarmi in order at least four times) of whirling inquadrature that instead astonishing provoke only loss and generate intolerance: already after twenty minuteren not of I could more than to see people to fly hanging for the feet. Expectable and terribly repetitive in its spectacular being at all costs and constantly, ` Van Helsing' sfoggia one of the scripts more ridicules that the recent history of the cinema to high budget memories, with converses so risibili to justify who decided to see this film with paper and pen to hand capacity, for being able to hand on to the stronzate posteri the incredible one sequela of that they come said. The light traces of autoironia play false, forced and they always manifest when by now it is too much late. And to say that for knowing as to write with succeeding a scenario based on "war of the monsters" would have been sufficient to see ` Freddy Vs. Jason'... For how much the two protagonists are ok, to render still more insopportabile the film Richard Roxburgh (Dracula thinks to us), with an interpretation so over the lines and gigionesca that ago to come wants to kill leaveing in chest a small pole of frassino. A true sin for an actor who had distinguished itself like optimal caratterista in film like ` Moulin Rouge' (was the nobleman malvagio) and ` Mission: Impossible II' (the scagnozzo of the bad one). The characterized personage (but this time the actor enters not there null) in the cialtronesca way is without doubt the creature of Frankenstein, with a somigliante to Peter Boyle of ` Frankenstein Junior' and so full face of lucette colorful and scariche electrical workers to seem a pupazzo. Kate Beckinsale is limited - saggiamente - to being bona and to show fugacemente two chiappe fabulous wrapped from a pair of pants that seem them are painted I lean. Hugh Jackman saves from the catastrophe thanks to the still fresh memory of ` X-Men 2' (this tizio is been born for being Wolverine), and with fairness it will succeed to make to accelerate the wrist of some donzella showing to chest knot in a scene in which it seems to interpret Tarzan. The direction of Stephen Sommers is inept as usual; the director seems not to have moved a single step in ahead regarding its films previous (`La mummia' and ` mummia - the ritorno', than probably they will be piaciuti to many of you but that to me they have made ultra-schifo), and she supports - also stavolta - to annoying scopiazzature of films as ` Blade 2' (the luminous bomb) and ` Wars stellari' (watched the adjuvant small of Dracula and says to me if they are not of the cloni of the Javas of ` Star Wars'!). Who knows to me personally, then, will make hard work to believe to what she will read in the following lines: the sonorous one of ` Van Helsing' is exaggerated and annoying. Well yes: although I love the sonorous audio-brothel, effects headlong and the bottoms that crack to you in two, stavolta I am exited from the cinema completely rintronato from a continuous auditory strafing, an indefensible failure along beyond two hours. To signal positively the sontuosi customs of the Italian prize Oscar Gabriella Pescucci, the evocative and elaborated scenografie of Allan Cameron, the atmosphere photography of Allen Daviau and music of Alan Silvestri, choreographic credentials that save the film adjudicating itself the minimum of the ballots. The special effects - in great part it realizes you from the Industrial Light & Magic - vary from the optimal one to the mediocre one (will seem one battered, but it is probable that during the post-production of ` Van Helsing' the three quarters of the company were working to ` Star Wars Episode III'). A caciara-movie that will be able only appeals to to the children under the 14 years, like what in it knows I had seated it to flank and that has been amused like a crazy one. Made happy he. Fuck Helsing
Moonrunner -
I appreciate the desire to help, but enough is enough.
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For some strange reason, I read all these reviews of Van Helsing, and four words keep popping into my head: LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN. As that film turned out to be a 50 megaton bomb, it looks like this one if going to be a 150 megaton bomb! Why do they even bother making junk like this, Harry?!!!! WHY?!!!!
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En Italiano? Quien aqui entiende Italiano? Bueno, a mi se me hace que esta pelicula es un pedazo de mierda. Nadie a dicho algo bueno! Pobre Hugh Jackman. Se mira como un maricon con su pelo largo. You no lo quiero ver como un cazador de vampiros. Yo lo qiuero ver como Wolverine, lo quiero ver como Roland The Gunslinger, lo quiero ver desnudo...QUE DIGO??!!! NO! NO! Quiero decir..."Lo quiero ver como un rudo! Si, si! Eso es lo que dije. Un rudo de lucha libre! *whew* ( si, es un chiste! ) Jesus Harry...next time why not print a review in Swahili.
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Harry is right. Americans are stupid and should be taught all languages, or at least French, Spanish, Italian, Chinese, and maybe Portuguese as well. It would only require a few extra years of school and then they would be able to read reviews like this. You are brilliant as always, Harry!
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Thansk Harry... some of us DO understand Italian (and it's quite a good review too - slamming this crap to the ground).
I like the comment about Kate, "who limits herself to look hot showing off her lovely buttocks by wearing pants so tight it's as if they were drawn on to her..." I guess I'll be hiring the DVD after all! -
Hi guys, below an automatic translation with some "fast polish" from Italy ;-) Ejoy.
Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), a hunter of monsters of the Vatican of the nineteenth century, fights against Dracula, Frankenstein, the Werewolf and other terrible creatures, because it must... Ok, I admit it: I have not understood the story. Perhaps I have understood it and ther -
That way, we can talk to all the third world, socialist, and flat-out idiotic societies in their native tongue. It might help make them feel less inferior.
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That's what you get when you have a really slow connection. Believe me, I'm sure none of that was there when I started writing that post.
Oh well.
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Apr 28, 2004 8:50:13 AM CDT
Hi guys, I'm Fuck Helsing. Something get lost in translation, bu
by umorizmo
Regarding my review, the 'postcard' thing it's more or less like this: "watching Van Helsing is like looking at one of that horrible postcards that shows an entire nation; imagine the horror: the Statue of Liberty next to Mount Rushmore next to Grand Canyon next to the Empire State Building, all dominated by a giant BigMac". I made that sentence to summarize the feeling that I had watching Frankenstein's creature, Dracula, the wolf man and Jekyll on the same picture. I wasn't talking about the way the movie represent Italy (I don't give a shit about that). Anyway, Van Helsing is a big turd of a movie, in english, italian, chinese, french or every other language on the planet. Bye
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Hey Guys, if anyone wants to see them, there are nine clips from Van Helsing showing right now at Yahoo Movies
: http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&id=1808406421&cf=trailer
Just watching them alone is enough to show this film is a waste!
Moonrunner -
Busje Helsing (Hugh Jackman), een jager van monsters naar de lijn van het Vaticaan van fijne diciannovesimo eeuw, gevechten tegen Dracula, Frankenstein, l
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hE DIDNT TRANSLATE!
hey the last line says it all
FUCK HElSING
lol
lol
lo---------LOUD GODDAMIT! -
Questo luogo succhia le sfere fucking dell'asino. Harry
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Hello, I'm quite intersted in this review. Would anyone be able to post a translation? Thanks.
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Because they can take friggin DAYTRIPS to the countries that speak them! Its simple as that. Im in New England, if the state of Maryland spoke a different language Id probably know it somewhat.
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Apr 28, 2004 9:32:49 AM CDT
"Richard Roxburgh (Dracula thinks to us), with an interpretation
by xavier masterson
Jesus wept and his tears ran through the chiseled canyon of Hugh jackman's chest and fell into the deep crack of kate beckinsale's ass. Then the werewolf exploded. -
Apr 28, 2004 9:35:18 AM CDT
I'll not rest until this review is translated into Esperanto
by vikingkitty
Accompanied by an audio track with William Shatner.
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Apr 28, 2004 9:37:41 AM CDT
What is the source of Harry's personal animosity against this fi
by vikingkitty
I can understand why he tried his best to sink The Punisher, since he gets off thinking about Kill Bill Vol. 2. Is there some other release around the time of Van Helsing that arouses Harry as well?
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from italian to english to german .... hahha
Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), ein J -
now i dont realy care much for harry's intros to reviews, but that was a good one
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This movie is shtrooms!
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...apparently in addition to a tranquilizer and some intensive therapy, you need a rudimentary language lesson.
Now repeat after me: "I am... sofa king... we todd ed."
Say that fast five times, then go see this movie. I think you'll really enjoy it.
(All credit for above language lesson to BillyVoodooWitchDoctor.com). -
Apr 28, 2004 10:05:48 AM CDT
This is becoming like a bar joke: "A Frenchman, an Italian and t
by jim jam bongs
I predict critics in the media will soon re-christen this movie "Van Helstink".
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Kate Beckinsale is limited to being bona and to show fugacemente two chiappe fabulous wrapped from a pair of pants that seem them are painted I lean.
ALL YOUR FUGACEMENTE CHIAPPE ARE BELONG TO US!!! -
Look at what this review has done. I was expecting everyone to get on Harry's case for putting up a review in another language (which BTW is kinda silly, you have to admit). But its simply brought the talkbackers together in their common goal of translating it dozens of times. Brings a tear to my eye! Maybe there aren't any good reviews of Van Helsing on AICN because (a) no-one has sent in a positive review or (b) it really is that bad. The latter would seem to be correct, based on reviews at other sites.
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Instead of dull catchphrases, people are gonna translate revies and articles. Honestly, i haven't had that much fun reading this site since... uhm... well since those two reviews of VH were posted. This movie sucks nuts! Hehe, great stuff...
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seriously
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So the last five years I spent learning it can actually be put to good use.
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Apr 28, 2004 11:00:48 AM CDT
I DUB OLD MARTIAL ARTS MOVIES - I TRANSLATED THIS FOR YOU
by notchjohnson
Hi all, I used to dub old martial arts and "chop socky" films for a living. Remember the ones you used to watch on Saturday afternoons? Well, here is the translation of the "Van Helsing" review:
HE HAS BEEN WITH ME FOR YEARS. I HAVE BEEN TEACHING HIM KUNG-FU. HE IS REALLY GOOD AT IT NOW.......WILL HE FIGHT MASTER WANG?........OF COURSE, SILLY, HAHAHA, HE FEARS NO ONE, ESPECIALLY THAT OLD MAN!
There, there's your translation of all of that typing. Notch out. -
Calm gentlemen and ladies please. We all know the negative reviews are being generated by people who don't work for Universal worried that some small picture which is coming out soon, Spider - something, the name escapes me right now, is going to get trounced by the superior Van Helsing. The square jawed, handsome figure of a man that is Hugh Jackman will see this movie do spectacular business at the box office. Whilst the lithe, gorgeous, high-cheekboned, silky thighed, immaculately dressed, tousled haired, fair skinned, flight of foot figure that is, you guessed it, Richard Roxburgh, is a pefect foil for the dramatic tension required for this piece. All I can urge you to do is sit back and glaze.. er.. I mean gaze in wonder at this cinematic event. Yours Sincerely, H. Jackman
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Dear Vikingkitty, please do us all a favour and go back to the Rush Limbaugh message board from which you came. Didn't anyone tell you that Liberals don't have a sense of humour? P.S. Your "democratically" elected leader is a fuckwit and so are the people that voted for him. Cheers. BTW, Russia is only three minutes by plane from London.
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I saw a rough cut of blade 3 last night, and it didn't suck. it is so hard to tell how a movie will be when you see a rough cut, what with the poor color, editing, effects etc. But one thing is for certain: Goyer is doing something totally different than the other Blade flicks. I mean, this movie is fawking hilarious, and it is supposed to be, not like Van Helsing, which is just laughable. And Jessica Biel has a shower scene all you meat slappers!!
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Hooheeha - actually, in all honesty I got a kick out of reading that hilariously mangled Italian tirade in all its barely comprehensible glory. Much more enjoyable than actually watching the movie, I'm sure. However, I won't be completely satisfied until I see it re-reviewed within the context of Inuit cosmology - complete with references to primordial killer whales, smelly, decomposing walrus blubber and pissing in igloos. And, yes, sadly this film WILL pull colossal box office despite its widely documented ineptitude and crassness. Most people are non-discerning idiots - nothing especially wrong with that, except that the entire motion picutre industry is now geared to satisfying their turgid sensibilities. The lunatics are running the asylum! I wouldn't give a rat's ass if there were a few more scraps of quality cinema spilling out of the trough. I personally decide to stop watching movies once they've been described as 'franchises' - an insidious, soul-sucking term which makes we want to scream gutturally at the moon, claw babies' faces off, and smear my body with vile excrement. Franchises are where you go to buy hamburgers. And not GOOD hamburgers either, the really shitty, plastic-tasting ones. Cinematic hamburger. Everything's just fucking hamburger these days. Fuck it all, I'm getting off the planet at the next stop. I can take just about anything - genocide, economic collapse, apocalyptic pandemics - as long as the movies are decent. Thanks for nothing, you carpet-bagging, malignant corporate asswipes!
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Dats right suckaz!! Im First!!
I'd love to run my fingers through Van Hesling's manly locks.
But in the meantime .....
FIRST FIRST FIRST FIRST FIRST!!!
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Oundsays ikelay Anvay Elsinghay ucksays.
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Hijo de la gran puta ingnorante.
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What's my name (in German)???!Neuk you, that's my name!!!
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'Nuff said.
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Obviously.
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QUESTO MOVIE SUCCHIA LE SFERE!
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All I really wanna know is if Wesley is still very much the star of the movie - and isn't sidelined by the dude from Van Wilder?
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...Americans who post stupid posts about how they are not stupid on this stupid board. Saracsm motherfuckers, do you speak it? Jesus.
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You're an asshole -- as always. As for the babelfish translation, that was the funniest thing I've read this month.
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Apr 28, 2004 12:20:23 PM CDT
I'm not sure what this says, but I know that there's still no ta
by cletus van damme
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First!!!
Van Helsing is going to be SUPPPER COOOL! Hugh Jackman is like a working man's Arnie... especially if that working man likes other working men! BY THE WAY.... I'M FIRST! -
Apr 28, 2004 12:35:14 PM CDT
Nice one Harry! Brought a chuckle to my face, that intro of your
by raw_bean
And it's been followed up by one of the funniest Talkbacks ever. In Yorkshire: "Eeee, this 'ere Van 'Elsing ain't nobbut bur'a pile'er shite!" :^)
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new record - a "firster" narrowly missing out after getting edged by...84 other people. in the words of bob uecker - "just a bit outside".
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...s that it makes surrender that much easier.
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Apr 28, 2004 12:49:39 PM CDT
Is it necessary to post reviews for this crap in other languages
by stewiegriffin
No, because no matter what language you put it in it still SUCKS. Hollywood needs to stop insulting the intelligence of the movie going audience and stop putting out mindless, rehashed, big budget turds like this. The whole premise of Van Helsing was complete crap from the begining ( didn't anyone think something was wrong when they riped-off the whole Vampire Hunter D look? ). Whoever greenlighted this project should be shot...or worse, be forced to watch this movie repeatedly.
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which is saying plenty!
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Dist. London to Paris= 213m(343km). Dist. London to Berlin= 581m(935km). Dist. London to Rome= 897m(1444km). Dist. New York to Altanta,Ga= 748m(1204km). Dist. New York to Los Angeles,Ca=
2462m(3961km). Dist. New York to countries in Europe>3400m. Get the subtle spatial and cultural differences hinted at there or are you really that dense? -
Mi nombre es VanHelsing. Vivo mi vida a la milla cuarta a la vez, bajo diez segundos si es posible. He venido aqu
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You dumb fuck you really dont get that I was pointing out that for you to go to another country, language and culture youd have to travel far less than I would to visit another state in my own country? Thus making it more necessary and easier for you to learn those other languages? While we're at it what languages other than douche-bag do you actually speak? I dont mean a few words to get around shit I can do that and Im American.
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seriously...funny shit Harry....lol
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Even if we needed other TBers to translate. Always glad to read the opinions of non-Americans about American movies since that is mainly how our culture is pushed on people. Yes, and as he compares Van Helsing to a really bad postcard featuring images of Italy as if THAT was what Italy was all about, then American movies also fall woefully short of conveying what America is all about. So Van Helsing sucks. Dracula sucks, and has sucked for untold generations before this film came out. I just want to know if Kate Beckinsale sucks, and if she would suck me?
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Now all we need is Mel to translate this review into Aramaic and Latin.
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you homophobic bastard
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that Stoopid has reverted to some form of primitive animal, based on the things he said in his last post. Oh dear.
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but I'm alright at the moment. I'm just concerned for your welfare, thats all. You sound stressed.
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this is strange. and i love strange things ...great harry!!!!!
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Essentially he said it looked cool, but it was a pile of horse turd, and thus would only attract children to really like it.
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Apr 28, 2004 1:34:46 PM CDT
Hey! For all you geeks out there! I've translating this review i
by master planner
101010110111100000110101001001100101010101010010101010100101001010101010100101010111000110001010101010101010101001010010101001010010101001100101010101010010110111000010101010100101010100101010101010101001010101010101010101010101010000011010011010011010101011001011010101010101001110100110100100010101010101001010101010101010101000101010101001010101010010101010100101010101101100011010010101001010101010101111
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But he has chosen the name of a cool Marvel character. Thus, I cannot remain angry at him.
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This talkback is probably at least twice as entertaining as the movie will be (except for the lack of Samantha Beckinsale of course).
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Apr 28, 2004 1:54:02 PM CDT
Hey, Master Planner! Your fucking binary code stretched the god
by darthhomercles
Good job, douche!
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Apr 28, 2004 2:12:46 PM CDT
Saw it Last Night---THIS MOVIE IS REALLLLLLLLLY BAD! I mean Godz
by mentallymariah
Seriously I felt BRAIN-RAPED by this horrid piece of shit film! Oh Kate and Hugh..why have you done this to me? Beyond Cheesy and really all over the place Horridness! This is typical Hollywood at it's worst, I mean geez, you can't drive anywhere in LA without seeing this billboard, it's because they know they have a TURD on their hands and the marketing dept is trying EVERYTHING they can to lure the dumb fucks/fanboys in OPENING WEEKEND and BAM...You got Punked bitch!
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Apr 28, 2004 2:14:11 PM CDT
"Harry criticizes the American public education system for poor
by pip1345
Are you saying that conservatives criticize the American education system? Because that doesn't make sense. That's the liberal way, genius.
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fucking christ. can you please get forum software that ACTUALLY WORKS....
for a board that is so frequented, i fail to see the fucking problem. there are TONS of forum packages that can do a much better job than this piece of shit you have running.
fucking pathetic -
Chucky rocks.
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Along with this talkback becoming wildly polylingual, it's as wide as the Grand Canyon. Harry, what the hell is wrong with this site?! Trying to read this TB is like crossing the desert on a slow horse or, according to the reviews, sitting through a showing of Van Helsing.
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He's so fuckin' fat.
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Apr 28, 2004 4:20:44 PM CDT
Translation: "Expectable and terribly repetitive in its spectacu
by mysticgeek
That's part of the translation. Also: "The direction of Stephen Sommers? inept as usual; the director seems not to have ahead moved a single step in regarding its films previous". And: "To be to watch ` Van Helsing'? like seeing one ugly created postcard in order to represent Italy (or one whichever other nation) entire; imagined that horror: the Tower of Pisa planted to the inside of the Colosseo encircled from the faraglioni of Goats with the Dome of Milan on the background covered from the cupola of Saint Peter. All, supported on an enormous peak daisy. Here, this? the feeling that test in seeing this accozzaglia of monster and myths of the cinema and the literature of the horror piles up one to you on the other, baracconata one pathetic that renders the devout creatures gross?" I'm not sure I understand the total translation, but it's obvious the gist is bad. Very bad. Like, close your eyes and run away bad.
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But, as long as it already shat on this thread, we can do better:
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Apr 28, 2004 4:55:46 PM CDT
At least Harry's starting to have a sense of humor about his stu
by alchemist
Here's the problem with these Steven Sommers flicks, the reason they are worse cinemetic piles than your average hollow-wood feature: These are movies that have concepts that geeks should love. The Mummy should be a clever Indiana Jones-esque adventure starring Bruce Campbell, not a sanitized CGI fest with a goofy comic hero. Van Helsing should rock our socks off with vampire killing action. It actually should be Castlevania the movie! Harsh, bloody. Action packed. At least Blade had the attitude right.... This looks like a kids movie that kids wont enjoy.
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...I thought that was really funny. I actually laughed out loud at that.
Well played, Mr. Knowles. -
Is that the fat stupid fuck probably really doesnt know that English IS one of the "Romantic tongues".
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JUST KIDDING! I'm actually a quarter Italian so I shouldn't say that.
As for Harry's comment on 'the romantic tongues', you should be slapped for saying that. -
English is NOT a romance language. Romance Languages are Latin-based(the language of Rome, hence the name ROMANCE, not because they are romantic!) English is Germanic-based, not Latin based and therefore is a GERMANIC language.
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maybe you're the stupid fat fuck
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I suspect the review is negative.
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Fellow citizens! It must be made! Since Van Helsing will BY DEFAULT generate money, perhaps it is possible! Of course, if it just makes a DEFAULT amount of money solely because it was released (aka Batman & Robin, Wild Wild West, Matrix 3) it will kill the genre for exactly 3 years! It really upsets me that this movie, which probably IS a steamy turd on a greasy platter of shit, is pretty much what a Castlevania movie would be. That is, the action of Blade meets the style and sex of Bram Stoker's Dracula. So now that they've ruined C:TM's chances, can't they at least throw us a bone? I mean, have this Van Helsing spank-rag accidently whip a candle, or mutter "What a horrible night to have a curse" or SOMETHING! Sigh... We'll have to wait for the review written in hexidecimal to see for sure...
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Casi me cago en los pantalones con las chingaderas que escribiste. Estuvo bueno!!! Translation: Harry is fat.
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Babelfish can translate the page. And no they didnt like the movie either...
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Engrish is the true romance language:
Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), a hunter of monster to the leash of the Vatican of aim nineteenth century, fights against Dracula, Frankenstein, the man lupo and other creatures orrende, because it must... Ok, I admit it: I have not understood the weft. Perhaps indeed, I have understood it and is nonexistent. However it is, we put it therefore: there is a tizio that it kills the monster. To be to watch ` Van Helsing' is like seeing one ugly created postcard in order to represent Italy (or one whichever other nation) entire; imagined that horror: the Tower of Pisa planted to the inside of the Colosseo encircled from the faraglioni of Goats with the Dome of Milan on the background covered from the cupola of Saint Peter. All, supported on an enormous peak daisy. Here, this is the feeling that test in seeing this accozzaglia of monster and myths of the cinema and the literature of the horror piles up one to you on the other, baracconata one pathetic that renders the creatures gross more celebrates of horror the classic until transforming them in pupazzi senz' spirit. Nobody is not saved: perhaps the man lupo, Dracula, dottor the Jekyll, the creature of Frankenstein, the same crazy scientist and the servitore Igor ("Aigor" will be pronounced). All in the same, sterile cauldron of pressappochismo regulated from logic of I accumulate, one the series infinite (and most annoying: although the deafening din I have risked to addormentarmi in order at least four times) of whirling inquadrature that instead astonishing provoke only loss and generate intolerance: already after twenty minuteren not of I could more than to see people to fly hanging for the feet. Expectable and terribly repetitive in its spectacular being at all costs and constantly, ` Van Helsing' sfoggia one of the scripts more ridicules that the recent history of the cinema to high budget memories, with converses so risibili to justify who decided to see this film with paper and pen to hand capacity, for being able to hand on to the stronzate posteri the incredible one sequela of that they come said. The light traces of autoironia play false, forced and they always manifest when by now it is too much late. And to say that for knowing as to write with succeeding a scenario based on "war of the monsters" would have been sufficient to see ` Freddy Vs. Jason'... For how much the two protagonists are ok, to render still more insopportabile the film Richard Roxburgh (Dracula thinks to us), with an interpretation so over the lines and gigionesca that ago to come wants to kill leaveing in chest a small pole of frassino. A true sin for an actor who had distinguished itself like optimal caratterista in film like ` Moulin Rouge' (was the nobleman malvagio) and ` Mission: Impossible II' (the scagnozzo of the bad one). The characterized personage (but this time the actor enters not there null) in the cialtronesca way is without doubt the creature of Frankenstein, with a somigliante to Peter Boyle of ` Frankenstein Junior' and so full face of lucette colorful and scariche electrical workers to seem a pupazzo. Kate Beckinsale is limited - saggiamente - to being bona and to show fugacemente two chiappe fabulous wrapped from a pair of pants that seem them are painted I lean. Hugh Jackman saves from the catastrophe thanks to the still fresh memory of ` X-Men 2' (this tizio is been born for being Wolverine), and with fairness it will succeed to make to accelerate the wrist of some donzella showing to chest knot in a scene in which it seems to interpret Tarzan. The direction of Stephen Sommers is inept as usual; the director seems not to have moved a single step in ahead regarding its films previous (`La mummia' and ` mummia - the ritorno', than probably they will be piaciuti to many of you but that to me they have made ultra-schifo), and she supports - also stavolta - to annoying scopiazzature of films as ` Blade 2' (the luminous bomb) and ` Wars stellari' (watched the adjuvant small of Dracula and says to me if they are not of the cloni of the Javas of ` Star Wars'!). Who knows to me personally, then, will make hard work to believe to what she will read in the following lines: the sonorous one of ` Van Helsing' is exaggerated and annoying. Well yes: although I love the sonorous audio-brothel, effects headlong and the bottoms that crack to you in two, stavolta I am exited from the cinema completely rintronato from a continuous auditory strafing, an indefensible failure along beyond two hours. To signal positively the sontuosi customs of the Italian prize Oscar Gabriella Pescucci, the evocative and elaborated scenografie of Allan Cameron, the atmosphere photography of Allen Daviau and music of Alan Silvestri, choreographic credentials that save the film adjudicating itself the minimum of the ballots. The special effects - in great part it realizes you from the Industrial Light & Magic - vary from the optimal one to the mediocre one (will seem one battered, but it is probable that during the post-production of ` Van Helsing' the three quarters of the company were working to ` Star Wars Episode III'). A caciara-movie that will be able only appeals to to the children under the 14 years, like what in it knows I had seated it to flank and that has been amused like a crazy one. Made happy he. Fuck Helsing -
i may have been 84th, but your 112th loser...
By the way, I'm gonna make like Van Helsing and put a stake in your heart ... of course by heart I mean bum and by a steak i mean my weiner.
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"Film itu Jelek amat ! Simpan uang anda dan boycottkan film itu."
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Apr 28, 2004 8:49:45 PM CDT
I found a review in French but i don't know what it means
by jackburtonlives
"Le film est absolumment nul. Pour citer Roger Ebert, 'Ca suce des couilles'".
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Apr 28, 2004 9:46:04 PM CDT
HINDI KO MAINTINDIHAN ANG REVIEW NA INILAGAY NIYO. AYUSIN NIYO A
by el zar
That's it.
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Marsly fargin snop lop nimbuxi frandslandex tarnisery hokim...and then! Poolclonston flernzie bish foskin daggers akimbo! Oskin breem lotoosho freent frop pol pol loon gradunzo freken slatch. And then she sat on a pumpkin! Monsters smelled her liturnzo and went apesmerd on her froond. I thought I'd plotz! I got my pants back on in time thank god!
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Maybe this movie would be more entertaining with subtitles. I think I'll see it in France. Kate with a french dubbing, how spastically delicious. In fact my pants just exploded.
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Harry,
Abi in malem crucem. -
Ce film est absolument nul
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Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), a hunter of monsters to the leash of the Vatican of fine diciannovesimo century, fights against Dracula, Frankenstein, l
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c'est pas aussi mauvais que ca. avec 'poilues', tu vas trop loin. 'sucer des couilles d'une ane lycanthrope', c'est sans doute plus juste.
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Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), ein J
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Whoever stretched the TB should have their open mouth placed on a curb and someone should jump on their head.
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Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), des chasseurs de monstre
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that was pretty funny.. and the talkback, too.
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.... and it's just like all the other reviews before his.... VAN HELSING STINKS!!!! If anyne is interested in a complete translation I can provide it but it would be just a waste of time, this movie sucks big time.
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Apr 29, 2004 2:53:28 AM CDT
FUCK YOU BITCHES! RETURN OF THE KING IS GONNA FUCKING OWN YOU AL
by bourne greyelf
YEAH!!!
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When do I get paid for watching this?
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Can't be arsed to translate it for free, but it opens with: "I had to surrender to the artistic vision of director Stephen Sommers...."
=P
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My first language is Spanish and I understood about 55% of the review but Harry posting this here is stupid funny!
Goddamn it if fucking funny! I agree that Mr. Overweight will post a Chinese-Mandarin, a Japanese and a Esperanto review! -
THE CON IS ON
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Is this meant as a joke? Well, since the French are involved in this particular conversation, "I fart in your general direction!"
Cheerio. -
Today, howard stern was saying that hes got a blog.
Is this it?
http://www.livejournal.com/users/soccer_mom56
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