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Another Furious VAN HELSING Review! Does ANYONE Like This Film'!
Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
I just got back from Virgin on Sunset, where I bought that giant Universal Monsters Legacy DVD set with the handpainted Sideshow Toys busts and all the movies about Dracula and Frankenstein and the Wolf Man, and I’m so fucking stoked about working my way through it next week. But the one thing that grinds me is that Stephen Sommers is evidently on the discs, tying in these classic films to his big summer blockbuster. I don’t mind the timing of the release, but did you have to actually put him on the discs? It just seems so cheap.
Especially when you read a review like this one:
Harry,
Oh boy, Harry , Harry, Harry, you say you want to see Van Helsing? I say why? Why put yourself through the torture? Every review I've seen has told the truth about this VERY LARGE and NOT AT ALL in charge piece of BIG budget shit. I saw this turd in the sky last week in the Mid-West area. With not too many people in the theatre, NONE were impressed with it. Getting into the story over and over again is pointless to point of boredom.
Lets just say, with all the money in the world spent on this movie, one
would think that ANY script might be a good place to start, this where the whole thing just doesn't come close to working AT ALL. You have to give some props to Jackman and Beckinsale, they try to give this movie some hope, but they are just TOO SERIOUS for everthing else that is going on. The guy who plays Dracula, good GOD, why Lord, why do Studios hire these people, they suck so bad sometimes. They have to see the dailies, and this guy is SO OVERTHE TOP, it makes you wish for William Shatner to show up, at least he's fun to watch. The opening 30 minutes is not too bad, when Van Helsing goes to Transalvania, to shoot down the Shedevils that Dracula unleashes upon the village, ONE would think a semi-auto Cross bow, that shoots a dozen arrows a second you could HIT something( CHEWBACCA would get all kinds of ass at the end of the night if he had this thing). However once this scene is over, the
movie pretty much goes with it. Even with this scene, there really is not ONE GREAT standout scene in the entire film. Nothing we haven't seen before, it's really a shame, to see this movie turn out to be nothing anyone will want to see EVER again.
Now there have been worse movies (TIMELINE,anyone?), but let's get serious, why Hugh Jackman did this movie based on the script used, or I mean napkin it was written on, sorry, is really beyond me. This shit is getting old, for every HELLBOY we enjoy, we get The Punisher and Van Helsing to send us right back to the bathrooms with the runs, its some cruel shit the studios turn out these days isn' it?
I don't mean to drift away from the review, the movie really is nothing
though, the special effects are nice and the best scene is the opening of the movie with Frankinstein running to the same windmill used in the Army of Darkness, to get away from the towns people only to get blown up by people throwing torches on it. It just does this type of crap over and over, for two hours and five minutes, after an hour you are sure that the pain will be over in 30 minutes, but no you still get one more dreadfilled hour, before you can kill some one in the lobby for selling you the ticket in the first place. Even if the studio gives you $10.00 to watch this, think about this before you go in, ITS LESS PAINLESS TO POKE YOURSELF IN THE EYE FOR 2hrs and 5mins, than to put yourself through this HORSESHIT, DOGCRAP, SHIT INFESTED, MY MOMS POOP DOESN'T SMELL THIS BAD,WATCHING MY DOG LICKS ITS ASS AIN'T NOTHING, I'D RATHER KICK MYSELF IN THE JUNK, I'D RATHER STICK THIS MOVIE UP THE STUDIOS ASS. Get the point Harry, just like NANCY REAGAN used to say "
Just say NO". STICK IT TO THE MAN, DO NOT SEE THIS FILM FOR QUALITY
REASONS. You have been warned, if you have the guts to put this up on the site, to save people from it, CALL ME
The JLK DudeUmmmmm… ouch.
"Moriarty" out.
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Nobody like firsters either...And thus, I have spoken! - - - George, The 7th Chicken!!!!
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Harry, did you GET FREE STUFF, or a FREE TRIP, or what?!?
Hope you get one more good review so you can believe it... -
Apr 27, 2004 5:53:26 AM CDT
He lost me when he made the comparison to what he thinks is a go
by vikingkitty
Credibility flew out the window at that point.
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So what you're all saying is that in "the village" there is going to be some sort of a twist?
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...coz DEEP RISING was the best fun I had had watchin a movie in a long time when I saw it a few years back...
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It's Frankenstein's monster.
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This sounds like a wretched dog fuck of mythic proportions!
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Obvious this guy is a studio plant. He wants us to see the movie so badly just to prove it's not as bad as he makes out. Obvious. Well, I'm not fooled!
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it has sexy vampire babes and that SELLS
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The windmill that the Monster runs to is the one from that other movie, what was it called...ah, yes...Frankenstein.
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Apr 27, 2004 8:28:08 AM CDT
as soon as he compared hellboy to punisher I knew this guy was a
by rcamacho2278
I did'nt even read the rest of the review. the majority of the people who saw the punisher even AFTER the bad reviews admitted it was NOT that bad, it was fun with some minor forgiveable flaws.
so this guys' credibility went out the fucken window. -
Of course he sucks, he's a vampire! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Get it? Sucks, vampire). HAHAHAHAHA, Oh, good golly, I slay myself.
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I guess his pulp sensibility is fitting for something like Flash Gordon, but he'll probably fuck that up anyway. It'll be interesting to compare Flash Gordon to Rodriguez's John Carter.
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YSL wearing, rake thin, acne ridden boy racers in my town, who enjoy ANYTHING, all uttered exclamations of how dreadful this looks!!
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According to what I've read on Dark Horizons, Sommers hasn't decided if he'll direct Flash Gordon. I bet I know why he's not saying he'll do it with all this awful buzz surrounding his newest. I have got to see this Van Helsing mess for myself. I just don't get the Battlefield: Earth/Tomb Raider vibe from what I've seen. I'll be cautious, I'll only try a matinee, but I was unexpectedly entertained by The Scorpion King which DID give me those bad vibes, so I just don't know what I will like when it comes to Sommers. I wish he gave me more confidence about Flash though.
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Apr 27, 2004 10:36:36 AM CDT
It's because it's a commity movie. 10 men in suites with a view
by theginger twit
but I haven't seen it so who knows?
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From "Army of Darkness?"
It's from the original "Frankenstein", you fucking clod.
Harry, can there be some sort of movie trivia quiz people have to pass before they can post test-screening reviews? I'm sick of reading criticisms by idiots. -
Apr 27, 2004 11:25:25 AM CDT
I'd Like To Thank Moriarty For Stopping Me From Buying The New B
by genro
Sommers has no fucking right being on these discs in any capacity, especially when he says the classics characters cannot be sold in today's markets as horror films...fuck this hack...I'll keep my original releases.
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Apr 27, 2004 11:35:40 AM CDT
"ITS LESS PAINLESS TO POKE YOURSELF IN THE EYE FOR 2hrs and 5min
by mondo182
Tried the whole poking my eye thing for two hours and five minutes, now I can't wait to check out Van Helsing with my good eye to find out which is actually the "less painless" of the two! Watching crappy movies can be fun when you add some innovation to it.
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Apparently someone liked this movie enough to make a TV series out of it. I'm watching CNN right now and the crawl at the bottom of the screen says NBC is spinning off a "Van Helsing" series from this movie.
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holy shit...you know what...I said I would never see this movie but if someone pays...for shits and giggles I'd go just to make fun of the movie...but of course only if someone else pays...I'm nto spending my hard earned cash on this piece of shit..but for free I'd laugh at it for an hour and a half.
Why would you even accept this role jackman...you did x-men...your better then this... -
Since I haven't actually seen Van Helsing yet, here is my review of the review I just read:
"told the truth about this VERY LARGE and NOT AT ALL in charge piece of BIG budget shit."
So....the movie's not in charge? Or is 'large and in charge' a euphamism you're trying to pull off there? I would have went for 'this movie is NOT AT ALL that and a bag of chips'...
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"I saw this turd in the sky last week in the Mid-West area. "
Turd in the sky? That just doesn't work. And you saw it in 'the mid-west area'? Is that vague enough? I plan to see Kill Bill 2 in the western hemisphere sometime this weekend...
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the best scene is the opening of the movie with Frankinstein running to the same windmill used in the Army of Darkness, to get away from the towns people only to get blown up by people throwing torches on it.
When I read this sentence I actually heard the voice of Chris Farley reading it, followed by '...do you...you remember that?...that was cool'.
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"ITS LESS PAINLESS TO POKE YOURSELF IN THE EYE FOR 2hrs and 5mins"
I think you mean 'less painfull' there, buddy. Or 'more painless'. Either one would have worked. 'Less painless' is a double negative in the context of that sentence. It's like saying 'my gas tank is getting less empty with every mile I drive'. Less empty means more full. Less painless means more painfull.
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than to put yourself through this HORSESHIT, DOGCRAP, SHIT INFESTED, MY MOMS POOP DOESN'T SMELL THIS BAD,WATCHING MY DOG LICKS ITS ASS AIN'T NOTHING...
"WATCHING MY DOG LICKS ITS ASS AIN'T NOTHING..."
What the fuck!?
There's just something generally off-putting about the way you word your insults. It reminds me of the russian exchange student I knew in highschool, where everytime he would try to insult someone they would end up cracking up instead because he worded it so poorly. "Your mother is smelling less fragrant then a flower my dog has pooped on many times"...
DO NOT SEE THIS FILM FOR QUALITY REASONS.
Yeah, no shit.
I'd like to see that as a critics quote on the movie poster.
"A Rockin' good time"
-Gene Shallit
"Do not see this film for quality reasons"
-Gortcha, the Russian Exchange Student
In fact, I think everyone should re-read his review of Van Helsing, only read it to yourself with a thick russian accent. It's much better that way.
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"You have been warned, if you have the guts to put this up on the site, to save people from it, CALL ME "
Hehe. I love the fact that he put 'CALL ME' in caps in an email to Harry of all people. Son, you don't know what you've just gotten yourself into...
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Apr 27, 2004 11:57:48 AM CDT
Congratulations Universal... with Van Helsing you've invented a
by carson dyle
I've seen the movie, and you just have to ask yourself: WHAT we're they thinking? Had "Van Helsing" been even halfway decent, the studio could have milked the concept for years and made BILLIONS of dollars. Instead, they bet the farm on a turkey and killed off their franchise before it was born. What a waste...
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The writing has been there for a while, ladies and gents. A PG-13 movie with the big 3 of the horror film cannon going up against Van Helsing? You can't expect this movie to be anything but mediocre, and with all of the mediocre movies this year, why is it any surprise to anyone?
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It's corporate synergy. Universal is merging with NBC and that's why a TV series from Van Helsing will be made.
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Apr 27, 2004 12:23:32 PM CDT
Oh my God. Omigod, omigod, omigod, omigodomigodomigodomigod. OH
by wardog
They used the same windmill used in the Army of Darkness??? I thought that looked familiar in the previews. Well, it's the local discount theaters for me with this movie, IF I still feel curious enough by that time. Fucking Hollywood. No goddamned talent to do anything right anymore. Or else those FUCKING ASSHOLE think we're all imbeciles who will plunk down our money to see any sewage they churn out. DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM!
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From the writer/director of "The Mummy" and "the Mummy Returns," afterall.
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Apr 27, 2004 2:03:50 PM CDT
The first thing that came to mind the first time I became aware
by yossarian
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NBC is probably thinking, hey, if it worked for Whedon.... Now watch them cast a wonderful but wildly inappropriate actor for the lead - like a Tim Daly or Timothy Busfield. You suppose they'll give him a team of ethnically diverse politically correct Scoobies too? I'd love to see some of the jaded minds here toss out some suggestions for the Van Helsing series.
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Over at yahoo they're showcasing 9 clips or so from the movie. Every single clip has potential but is ruined with either idiotic action clips or the horrible accent and overacting of the Dracula Character. He's Awful-plus the wire work is a killer-people flying through the air on ropes and doing back flips landing on their feet is just embarrassing to anyone over the age of 9 or wanting to see a good action movie. A tinker here a minor adjustment there and this movie could've been a good summer blockbuster.
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----------- 'I think you meant painfull'. Sorry, painful only has one 'l'.-------You put CALL ME at the end of a submission to Harry? Man you don't know what you're getting into. If you finished reading the review you would see the CALL ME is followed by 'The JLK Dude'.----- Also, is this post difficult to read? That's because I copied your style of reviewing reviews.-----So, in closing, learn to spell..... moran.
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Apr 27, 2004 7:54:20 PM CDT
The reason Van Helsing can't hit anything with his crossbow is t
by frankdrebin
That's why, in HELLBOY, you see three musuem guards hacked to bits, but there isn't a single drop of blood to be seen anywhere. Or, in THE MUMMY, where guys have their eyes and tongues pulled out, or they get eaten alive by carnivorous beetles, but again no blood. It's not violent acts that the ratings board objects to--it's the color red.
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WTF's a junk?. Is it the meat, or the veg?. I thought i was hip to all this jive talk but now I see I'm getting old! This movie sucks Junks?
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Apr 27, 2004 10:47:30 PM CDT
You have to love a movie where a werewolf causes a carriage to m
by osmosis jones
Or not. Only Alan Silvestri's score will emerge unscathed from this runaway train-wreck.
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A friend who worked at Univeral said they have a "go Team" mentality. Basically, everyone needs to get behind the project and say how great it is. Or you're not a team player. That's what happened with (barely a year old but already forgotten) Hulk. Sometimes, you need someone to go: "Dude, this sucks. Rework it." That's how Revolutions got made and Attack of the Clones. Sad, how studio interference can't ever come when it's needed. Sommers is Universal's boy. They LOVE him. And why wouldn't they? He made tons of money. Of ocurse they thought, hey give him Van Helsing. It's a great idea. It's just he HAS to take that campy tone. You wish someone would say...play it straight. No, really, STRAIGHT. Oh well...another huge bomb in the making. I'm sure Hugh will emerge unscathed. He's too cool. Sommers isn't all bad. He just has that fucking campy streak. Let it go. Raiders wasn't silly. And no one had redone that tone since '89 with Last Crusade. Just play it straight. Ah...I'm soooo bored at work. And Sommers is loaded and makes 180 million dollar movies. So wins this argument right?
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Apr 28, 2004 1:29:22 AM CDT
Example of being an IDIOT: "Frankinstein running to the same win
by big dumb ape
As Theta pointed out, gee, MAYBE the burning windmill is a tip of the hat to the original FRANKENSTEIN film. >GASP! EYES GO WIDE!GASP! SHOCK OF REALIZATION!< I swear, the I.Q. level of some people rushing to get their so-called weak ass reviews posted here truly is equivalent to a BB pellet rolling around in an empty tuna can. Worse, their knowledge of film and history is for utter shit. I know this is a "geek" fan site and people love to see their name in print, hence they rush home and type up a review just so they can say "Dude! I shitted on a movie online before it came out! Yay, me! Maybe I affected its box office so I can feel like I matter in this world instead of being the turd I am!" But seriously, some of you brainless clods SERIOUSLY need to learn HOW to review a movie and critique it -- let alone go back to school and learn HOW to compose proper grammatical sentences that actually make this little thing called "a point." And it would be nice if AICN "reviewers" would stop trying to sound 13 years old and quit trying overly hard to purposely create the next so-called "hip" line ("Chewbacca shooting ass with a crossbow") which only ends up being groan inducing. Yeah, great line. THAT tells us all so much in the review. So what we have here is yet again someone who didn't like the movie. Big deal. I'm still going opening day, and you bitches know you'll be there TOO for all your whining. Damn, why is it that everyone's adopted this "Let's get him!" mentality about Somers? What, you feel the need to bag on him because you can't get dates? What, you're just mad that he's getting to make movies and have fun while you're still living at home in your parents' basement? Why is it that it's BAD for Somers to get to live a dream, yet somehow we're supposed to cheer on (insert flavor of the month name here) for doing the same thing? In the end, PEOPLE (aka box office) gets to decide who gets to keep working and spending Hollywood's money. That's the way capitalism works, my friends, so wake up to reality. As for VAN HELSING I've liked all of Somers movies to date. Sure, they're campy but they're fun. So I can't imagine I'll like this one any less. Looks to be fun, so what's the big deal? Some of you SERIOUSLY need to take some chill pills. You don't want to go? Fine. Sit at home and yank off to Internet porn like you normally do. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be having fun watching the Universal monsters come to life again...
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good.
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Hey, how about they make Van Helsing and his love interest private eyes in Romania, and Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd can play the lead roles. Cybill's character can rag on Van Helsing about violence not solving anything, and she can help the vamps and wolvies through council sessions and group therapy. Dracula could go through a twelve step program and become their surly underworld informant. Emmanuelle Lewis could play a gay, black werewolf midget for comic relief, who drives around in K.I.T.T. from Knight-Rider after it falls through a portal opened by David Hasselhoff's use of the Necronomicon. Man, this movie is going to be one smoking, swarthy turd.
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Apr 28, 2004 3:49:47 AM CDT
The NBC spinoff series ISN'T a Van Helsing series per se...
by commando cody
A clarification about the show. From everything that's been released to the media, VAN HELSING (assuming it does well at the box office and generates a sequel) will continue on the big screen as a franchise starring Jackman and as a revenue generator for Universal Studios. Meanwhile, as a corporate partner now, NBC has announced that the TV show is tentatively titled TRANSLYVANIA and is more about the region and more monsters, etc. The TV show will have NEW characters played by NEW leads. But the lead character in the TV show WON'T be Van Helsing -- as I said, that's off to the side and reserved (for now) for Jackman to play on the big screen, so as not to cause confusion between the 2 properties.
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on the Rotten Tomato rating that this piece of bastardised ordure will get over at the titular site. I anticipate something in the high fifties, perhaps 57%.
Any takers -
If you enjoy that paint-by-the-numbers type of entertainment, then you will like this. If not, you won't. I think this film will be lame, but it will be worth downloading a divx rip at some point and FFing through it to watch the decent CGI. But I wouldn't pay to see it in any form whatsoever.
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Apr 28, 2004 11:53:46 AM CDT
Who wants to join in a little bet, a wager if you will... Sommer
by mr chuff
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Look, I understand where you're coming from -- if someone's sending you viruses for voicing your opinion, that's one thing. I'd hate 'em too. You should be able to come to a public forum and voice an opinion. BUT ON THE FLIP SIDE, you call Big Ape an asshole for...what? Because he voiced an opinion TOO? So let me get this straight: he's an asshole for having an opinion TOO, one that others share TOO, such as myself? So basically your way of thinking is "Agree with me or you're an asshole and I'll label you one publicly." Nice line in the sand you draw there. Ape was right about 2 things. Any casual observer visiting this site would notice there seems to be a real effort to just pile on VAN HELSING sight unseen. Why, I don't know. It's freakin' Stephen MUMMY Sommers. What kind of movie were you guys expecting VH to be? Besides, I don't mind if someones SEES it and THEN dumps a shit all over it (and by "see it" I mean watch it in the theater or catch it on DVD or cable or, hell, when it finally comes to broadcast TV). But at least SEE it and THEN discuss it intelligently. But this bullshit notion of people like yourself screaming "It sucks!" BEFORE you've seen it and BEFORE you have ANY ability to properly judge it shows just how tolerant and free thinking you are. When you start protesting and yelling about something sight unseen then YOU'RE the blind, ignorant sheep, Nintendo, that's just one of the pack. And secondly, Ape was right in his conclusion -- if you don't like the looks of VAN HELSING, then don't see it. Wow, that was tough to figure out, huh? Meanwhile, anyone who does want to see it can. Seems fair to me. From previous posts you've had, Nintendo, including this one, you continually go off on this rant about people being "sheep" simply because they like movies you don't. Hey, I agree DIE HARD was an example of a "smart" action movie. But just the same, something like an imported Hong Kong action movie might have a far less intriquing plot or far worse acting, but that doesn't mean I can't sit back, munch some popcorn and just ENJOY -- yes, "mindlessly" as you love to put it -- the choreographed fights or stunts or whatever and STILL have a good time and feel I got my money's worht. Bottom line, what some people enjoy when the lights go down and the movie rolls is up to each person. But just because they DON'T have the same tastes as you hardly makes them an "asshole." So lighten up and play nice in the community sandbox. When you take such a shrieking, confrontational, and certainly arrogant tone did you ever stop to wonder WHY people don't like you or send you viruses?
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Apr 29, 2004 2:00:23 AM CDT
Anyone seen those Carl's Jr. tie-in commercials? Gawdawful!
by truthseekr1488
I mean how stupid can Hollywood/Madison Ave. get. Don't answer that.
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All right, I'm going to see VAN HELSING, no matter what reviews I read here. I grew up with those monsters, and by god I'll have a look for myself. I just pray that the movie is mediocre; if so, then some good popcorn, a large soft drink, and it'll be an OK day.
I've given up just waiting for good movies to go see---I love movies too much for that---so bring them on! And if it's a dog...well...I don't have much of a life anyway...so no loss. -
I'm sure Stoker, Stephenson, Wells, Verne, Poe, Shelley and all the other great writers who had the vision to create such wonderfully gothic monsters and villians are just sooooo chuffed that a generation of inept film-makers have managed to undo all their good work, with turgid piles of pus such as this and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
My advice - spend the money you'd have paid to see these films on a copy of the books instead. -
The mummy movies were mindless shit. Great special effects, but the movie was crap. I saw it and wanted a good scary Mummy Movie, much like I am still waiting for a Good scary Werewolf movie. What I got was a movie that couldn't decide whether it wanted to be scary or funny.
Fortunately, I have free passes for Van Helsing next week and worst case scenario, I only have to worry about losing time, instead of my money.
Expecting a great movie from Mr. Sommers and Van Helsing will be you're first mistake. -
...those would have to be the NBA Playoffs commercials on TNT, which intercut Van Helsing footage with NBA highlights. Frankenstein's monster? Shaq. Flying vampire chick? Finley hanging on the rim. I can't make this up. Stupidest promo campaign OF ALL TIME. Repeat: IN THE BILLION-YEAR HISTORY OF EARTH, THE DUMBEST AD CAMPAIGN EVER.
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