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VAN HELSING screening - shout proclaiming, 'This Movie Sucks Nuts!' Ouch - Can it be THAT bad'

Hey folks, Harry here... I'm dying to see VAN HELSING... These reviews that scream about the inhuman torture that this film unleashes upon the human brain... it's like being told about a rollercoaster that somebody shit themselves on... Ya just gotta go see if you shit too. Can't wait to hear what gets screamed out at my audience...

Harry,

Last time I wrote a review for your website I was accused of being a plant. I don't think that's going to be a problem this time.

I read on your website how you've gotten a lot of negative reviews for Van Helsing and only one good one. You wrote that you heard people liked this movie and wondered why there weren't more good reviews being sent in. I can tell you why. This isn't a good movie and people don't like it. Whoever told you that the screen audiences were mainly positive lied to you, straight-out lied. There wasn't a single person at the screening I went to who like this movie. I'm not exaggerating. The biggest laugh came at the supposedly emotional finally that had all the subtly of a sledgehammer. The point at which the audience cheered the loudest during the movie was when someone in the back shouted 'THIS MOVIE SUCKS NUTS!" That's a word for word quote too.

This is just an awful, awful movie. At the beginning I had hope, it seemed like other than the vampires it might be an entertaining movie. A little over the top but potentially fun. That hope died quickly. The opening scene has Van Helsing fighting Mr. Hyde in Notre Dame. I can only take my hat off to Alan Moore, who has seemingly made every one forgot that Hyde was a little ugly guy who wasn't strong or brave. Here he's a giant monkey man, a computer generated one. 75% of this movie is computer generated and it gets boring fast. CGI characters fighting and swing on cables repeatedly is just tedious. The big final fight is a repeat of everything you've already seen just with a different background. The dialogue is mostly just laughable and when added to dreadful Romanian accents its even worse. The plot is so silly and stupid that its not even worth going into. Something about Dracula needing electricity to bring the babies that he had with his bride to life. But for some reason only electricity that flows through Frankenstein monster will do the job. The vampires are just terrible and they're most of the movie. There's no real explanation for why the werewolves is there, just that Dracula uses them as lackeys even though they're the only ones that can kill him. Oh yeah, and Dracula has midget henchmen. Frankenstein's monster is a lumbering joke who somehow knows the entire plot and gets to explain it to everyone else. Someone needs to explain to the director that a creature that's slow moving with a limp doesn't make a good action star either.

Then there were elements of the script that were just so obviously put in so that the director could force a scene to take place that it was painful. Vampires can come out during the day as long as the suns behind the clouds, the werewolves stop being werewolves when the moon goes behind the clouds and Dracula has a hidden lair that has a one-way entrance but he seems to get back and forth just fine. The most laughably ridiculous part has a werewolf magically setting a carriage on fire by crashing into it.

Poor Hugh Jackman, he hasn't made a good movie other than the Xmen. Here he's stuck playing a crappy wolverine knockoff. That's right, Van Helsing (who has no relation to the character from the Stroker Novel. His name is Gabriel, not Abraham) has no memory of his past and is seemingly immortal. Nothing much about his past is even revealed during the movie, other than what's blatantly obvious. Clearly, its being saved for the sequel but I won't be showing up to find out, that's for sure.

The best example I can give of how bad this movie is is this: As we were walking out of the free screening my girlfriend turned to me and said, "I want my money back. I want my life back."

I can only stress that people avoid this movie like the plague and hopefully Universal won't consider making a sequel.

Call me The Van Helsing Slayer.

And if you want confirmation about an audience member screaming out, "This Movie Sucks Nuts!" well... here you have it. Continue to be wary of spoilers... though from the sound of it, it arrived to the theater reeking of spoilt cinema...

Harry,  

Julius here.  I saw the Friday screening of Van Helsing in NYC.  But since I knew I wouldn't be able to write until today, and there were screenings wed and thurs too, I thought you'd have been inundated with reviews.  You say you want more, so I'll add my two cents.   

Perhaps this anecdote sums up the movie best.  Near the end, when things got even more ludicrous in this cheeseball wrapped in cotton candy fun house of a movie, some audience member in the packed screening yelled out "This movie sucks nuts!"  Appreciative laughter ensued in the crowd. I turned to my neighbor and said "It looks like the audience is turning against this film". Then the most over the top scene happens (I won't give it away but it is meant to be poignant like something out a 50s religious epic, but it is mostly embarrasing) and the audience applauded.  It felt like ironic applause.  I think this is a film so awful it is actually quite entertaining.  To a point.  

The big problem is Sommers.  He takes good actors -I've seen Jackman, Beckinsale, Helnsley, Wenham, Roxborough all do far better work on screen and stage then the stale overbaked ham they are producing here- and gives them a script with such godawful dialog  that the only good lines are the ones that are so bad they are funny and must have been intended as such; but Sommers doesn't know how to direct these actors to pull off those lines as high (or low) camp.  You can see everyone straining to make these scenes play, but the movie veers from operatic overacting to wink wink nudge nudge line delivery, but never do the performances hit the mark.  A Peter Jackson, Tim Burton, or even Gore Verbinski would have been able to pull this off - known how to calibrate the over the top action, horror, humor and sentiment just so.  But Sommers evidently does not. So a film that starts promising veers more and more off course until what you are watching is a train wreck of spectacular proportions.  The plotting, dialog and acting in the Mummy movies is Shakespeare compared to what is on screen here.  And I like these actors.  

By the way, did you know Hugh Jackman was discovered by the X-men folks when he performed Curly in the musical revival of Oklahoma in London?  Guess who was Judd, the "villain" in that production?  Shuler Hensley, Frankenstein's monster in Van Helsing.  I wonder if the two of them would reminiscently sing "Surrey with a Fringe on Top" while hanging on wires together on the Van Helsing set.

Anyhoo, the CGI is fun, but never convincing, except, in my opinion, when the Vampires open their mouths wide as snakes - interestingly that's the effect another writer thought was the worst.  The action scenes are at first fun in a James Bond, Video games sort of way and finally go way over the top.  The James Bond rip off is clever, but the Spider Man rip off at the end is just begging for dirision.  Even in a film of this nature there is only so much disbelief I can suspend before I start laughing at the screen.  But if we're supposed to be laughing at the movie, it needs to be more surefooted in its comedy.  And more fun and less cringeworthy in its operatic melodramatic outbursts.  

I didn't come out of the theatre hating the experience.  As I said, there was something entertaining about a movie so spectacularly awful. But unfortunately it wasn't spectacularly awful on its own terms.  Unlike the Mummy movies, which whatever you think of them, do seem to reflect a specific directorial vision, Van Helsing seems to have slipped out of Sommers' control.  He tried something bigger, weirder, scarier, more operatic and funnier here and it all became overwrought, a big gawdy dumb disaster.  

So, see it with your expectations calibrated accordingly, and some fun can still be had.  

Julius

Readers Talkback
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  • April 26, 2004, 6:44 a.m. CST

    Van helsing was better when it was called "The Monster Squad"

    by The Data

    Prove me wrong hugh jacko, prove me wrong.

  • April 26, 2004, 6:45 a.m. CST

    Plant!!!

    by Conan_the_Humble

    Always wanted to accuse somebody of that. I may be first too. Cheers

  • April 26, 2004, 6:46 a.m. CST

    Damn, 2nd!!!

    by Conan_the_Humble

    Still like that plant line though, he, he, he... Cheers.

  • April 26, 2004, 6:53 a.m. CST

    i cant wait for the directors commentary

    by The Data

    jacko looks like a gay indiana jones in this movie, and this movie just looks like that backstreet boys video (backstreets back) where all the backstreet boys are different universal movie monsters. Though i would pay to see a gay indiana jones killing off the backstreet boys dressed as monsters.

  • April 26, 2004, 6:53 a.m. CST

    Wolfmans got nards!!!

    by pogo on my own

    I think Harry wrote both of these reviews hoping that people will turn thier back on this movie in order to see Kill Bill 2. He just coordinated the "This Movie Sucks Balls" to make the reviews seem to come from different people. We are onto you Harry just so you know. That and Monster Squad kicks ass.

  • April 26, 2004, 7:06 a.m. CST

    Who green light's these movies?

    by Bcphil

    Or is the problem in the casting itself. A bloke I know is telling me he has seen this and the gentleman cast as the Vampire comes off like Adam West on PcP.

  • April 26, 2004, 7:15 a.m. CST

    we knew it was coming

    by MichaelNotMoore

    The only moment I thought VAN HELSING was a good idea is 2 years ago when they start talking about the idea... but since we got the first pictures & the first teaser, we knew it will be crap... still as it's the first summer movie released it will crash the 100 M$ barrier quick enough to get a sequel, but it sounds like this year's LXG, AVENGERS, BATMAN & ROBIN,...

  • April 26, 2004, 7:22 a.m. CST

    yeah, The Monster Squad was great!!!

    by CuervoJones

    that werewolf in pieces rocked!

  • April 26, 2004, 7:40 a.m. CST

    Midget henchmen! The Mummy Returns Again!

    by SalvatoreGravano

    By the way, Jackman was in one good movie - Paperback Hero. *And* he had a good performance in an awful movie (X-Men) - perhaps this is repeated in Vomit Hellsink

  • April 26, 2004, 7:47 a.m. CST

    Then and Than are different

    by misterhappy

    If you won't want to look stupider THAN this film THEN learn the difference and get with the program.

  • April 26, 2004, 8:18 a.m. CST

    This movie has VAMPIRES and WEREWOLVES! How can harry not like i

    by Judge Doom

    Woah, and if you read sometime this week on AICN "SHAUN OF THE DEAD IS NOT THAT GOOD AFTER ALL" you can all prepare to the end of the world as we know it Donnie Darko Style!

  • April 26, 2004, 8:31 a.m. CST

    won't and don't are different too....

    by willywompa

    SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM!

  • April 26, 2004, 8:59 a.m. CST

    It looks like fun though?? Right?

    by Jon E Cin

    I know its not a "good" movie..but is it a fun movie at least?

  • April 26, 2004, 9:02 a.m. CST

    Troy and Harry Potter are the two films rival studios should wor

    by Gere's AssGerbil

    Not Van Helsing. Have you seen the latest TV spots for Troy? OMFG it looks good. Harry Potter is going to be huge simply because EVERYONE has now read the books. Even my 70-year-old grandfather has read them and he usually hates fantasy stuff. Van Helsing is just the appetizer for the real summer movies that come later.

  • April 26, 2004, 9:05 a.m. CST

    Spelling

    by The Editor

    It's finale not finally - someone read through these reviews just once - it would stop me being a pedantic git for a start. That said, the poster for this film didn't bode well - a bit too much leather and smoking crossbows for my liking.

  • April 26, 2004, 9:57 a.m. CST

    A one-sentence review sure to strike fear in the hearts of the U

    by Lance Rock

  • April 26, 2004, 10:05 a.m. CST

    i went to the screening thursday

    by jon-e-blaze

    There is absolutley nothing to the plot or script.i swear you get about 2 to 3 minutes of dialogue,before you and the characters are thrown into action sequence after action sequence.The Dracula character does suck,plain old,campy,bad acting.I did enjoy the opening of the film,the look of the werewolf,most of the action sequences.About 40% of the special effects seem a bit off.Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale do their best with what they have.in the end scale of 1-10 a 7

  • April 26, 2004, 10:06 a.m. CST

    Dumb...but where is the fun?

    by I_See_Monsters

    The only reason that The Mummy and its sequel survived is that they were predictable and dumb but enjoyable enough to distract attention away from those characteristics. It seems that S.S. has forgotten to include the fun this time around. It wouldn't surprise me to find that the CGI is sub-standard... thats all that ILM can manage these days.

  • April 26, 2004, 10:09 a.m. CST

    the Strocker novel?

    by JackBristow

    I laughed my ass off when I read that. It's Stoker, Bram Stoker. Also, I've seen stories before when werewolves only become werewolves when the fll moon's not behind a big cloud. Cartoons mostly, but hey. And the part about the vamps that can come out when the sun's obscured? The vamps in Buffy-Angel were only effected by direct sunlight, although there never seemed to be any overcast days in California. Besdies, that's a hell of a lot better than vamps that can go outside if they wear sunscreen (Blade).

  • April 26, 2004, 10:16 a.m. CST

    Stroker Ace wrote Dracula?

    by IAmJacksUserID

    And didn't Dracula have midget henchmen in one of the Castlevania games?

  • April 26, 2004, 10:22 a.m. CST

    "The most laughably ridiculous part has a werewolf magically set

    by xavier masterson

    I think I'm feeling the urge to see this...wait, I was wrong.

  • April 26, 2004, 10:51 a.m. CST

    Pyrotechnic Werewolves...

    by Sabowan

    All of the reviews over the past couple of weeks have really turned me off from seeing this movie. BUT, when the reviewer talked about the werewolf "magically" setting the carriage aflame by crashing into it, I laughed so hard that Diet Coke came squirting out of my nose. For some reason, despite the fact that both of these reviews are also negative, I now want to see this movie. Call it the MST3K bug, but I just won't be able to take my eyes off of this train wreck.

  • April 26, 2004, 11:09 a.m. CST

    Send in the Segal..Now!!

    by BankyEdwards2309

    If any film in recent history has cried out for a real hero it's this one, but as 'voice over man' would say. " In a world of darkness, A man driven by desire,in a world torn apart by anger, they took away the only thing he loved. one man.. blah blah blah..Now it's personal" It's this one and what it needs is.. SEGAL. Sod Wolfman Jack or what ever his name is, Mr One Dimensional is who you need in this desperate hour, not some nancy boy Australian who appears in camp musicals in the west end of London. You need a real man, a man who will deliver the goods and look good wearing a chefs hat whilst surrounded by lots of hairy arsed seaman, a man who knows no fear when standing on top of a train fighting off "Insurgents". people we need Steven Segal. I rest my case.

  • April 26, 2004, 11:10 a.m. CST

    Oh! Oh! Oh! PLANT!!!

    by greyspecter

    well, why the h not? or do we only accuse the positive reviewers of plantation? which reminds me...nobody cried FOWL when the + LotR reviews came rolling in...

  • April 26, 2004, 11:15 a.m. CST

    The Problem Is Sommers

    by Jervis Tetch

    He's been promoted above his talent. He writes lousy scripts from classic material, and leans on CGI to do the rest. He's not a Spielberg, Burton, Raimi, or Jackson. In the old days, he'd been working at American International.

  • April 26, 2004, 11:15 a.m. CST

    splitting cgi hairs

    by 1 minute warning

    I'm certainly not defending anything in this apparent turd pile of a movie, but in the Stoker book Dracula isn't at all harmed by sunlight. He's just devoid of his powers during the day and vulnerable.

  • You're a pathetic excuse for a human being, Harry.

  • April 26, 2004, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Hahahahaaa..love Data's second post

    by llac3

    He hit the nail on the head. I actually think that the main characters in all of Sommer's action movies look gay. Don't waste your money on this junk. We got Troy and Harry Potter coming, bitches.

  • April 26, 2004, 11:37 a.m. CST

    As for these reviews

    by Renata

    No matter how bad these two reviews were, I have a stinking feeling the movie's still worse. Sommers is a disgrace to the craft of filmmaking -- a shameless hack. No wonder he's rich as hell.

  • April 26, 2004, 11:54 a.m. CST

    BTW, what happened to your Matrix Reloaded "review", Harry?

    by IAmJacksUserID

    It isn't in your review section but I found the link on my own website. http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=15192

  • April 26, 2004, 11:56 a.m. CST

    Harry, you may as well mention that he's doing Flash Gordon next

    by Terry_1978

    C'mon, post it!! It's already at "other" sites!

  • April 26, 2004, 12:05 p.m. CST

    the first review is one of the funniest things I've read in a lo

    by beamish13

    "The most laughably ridiculous part has a werewolf magically setting a carriage on fire by crashing into it. " LOL

  • April 26, 2004, 12:07 p.m. CST

    remember when Kate Beckinsale appeared in good films?

    by beamish13

    Like "Cold Comfort Farm" and "The Last Days of Disco"? This werewolf/vampire fetish of hers is ruining her career.

  • April 26, 2004, 12:11 p.m. CST

    Plant from a different studio

    by I Dunno

    It's just so obvious. It's a sad state of affairs where lame ass movie web sites become the battle ground for studio executives trying to sway public opinion by pretending to be acual human beings.

  • April 26, 2004, 12:22 p.m. CST

    I was the one who bellowed "This movie sucks nuts!"

    by NiceMarmot

    Well, not really. But I'll be happy to take credit for it. Plus, I did utter something similar when I saw the Van Helsing preview - "I've got better movies than this in my stool!"

  • April 26, 2004, 12:23 p.m. CST

    If only Coppola would go back to his planned Van Helsing Chronic

    by Sith Witch

    Or if some network would revive that Bram Stoker's Dracula series that was planned 6 yrs. ago, scripted by the original film's screenwriter, Jim V. Hart.

  • April 26, 2004, 12:42 p.m. CST

    What's your fave Stroker novel?

    by fitzcarraldo2

    I dunno, but I've got plenty of good stroker films on vhs hidden at the back of my wardrobe.

  • April 26, 2004, 12:46 p.m. CST

    Was the Word Ever GOOD On This Movie?!

    by Drath

    I still want to see it, but you know I don't think I've EVER heard terribly encouraging word of mouth for it, at least not reported on this site. Did movie geeks even WANT to give this movie a chance after the much-loathed but still successful Mummy movies or does it really honest to god suck of its own accord? I'll see for myself, but Stephen Sommers has never made a solid movie in my view. Deep Rising was a good "almost movie," and both Mummy movies had scenes and whole sequences that really didn't work. You could see he was shooting for a Spielbergian atmosphere but didn't set it up properly for lack of either time, talent, or both. I'd love for him to mature as a filmmaker, but I doubt he does it with this movie, and I don't know if he'll ever get there. Like I said, I'm still gonna give his newest (almost) movie a shot. If it fails to create any atmosphere then I gotta wonder what he liked about the original Universal Horror Movies, which were ALL atmosphere.

  • April 26, 2004, 12:53 p.m. CST

    Universal Monsters+Sommers=

    by uberman

    Shame on Universal for pimping their classic horror to such inempt and clumsy directors such as Sommers. 'Deep Rising', a Sommers movie, is in my opinion the worst movie of the last 15 years. The Mummy movies were too tounge in cheek to be relevant. Please do not see this new Sommers abomination. Universal needs someone with some class to treat the classic monsters and their superior stories with the respect and dignity they deserve. These were not thrill rides with bad CGI. They were actors and good scripts and incredible makeup that made them the icons they were and are. CGI can never do them justice, and the tone, acting and scripts that Sommers has made for them are among the worst -re-imaginings' ever concieved. Sommers should be regulated to doing Sat morning specials for kiddies. Good directors, top FX men such as Baker and Winston should do the monsters-or someone new with a fresh twist. CGI should be used sparingly at best. Any new treatment should be played with atmosphere and true scare-the-shit-out of you scripts that build in the horro and not rely on gimmicks. Shame on Universal. Lets just hope the words gets out quick and this movie gets the pan it deserves. I hope that Universal is more careful in how they handle their property in the future. If Sommers makes another, or, God Forbid, craps on the Creature from the Black LAgoon....

  • April 26, 2004, 12:56 p.m. CST

    Damn!

    by flossygomez

    I really enjoyed the Mummy. Thought bits of Mummy Returns were alright. I grew up watching House of Frankenstein on late night TV with the great John Carradine, so I was looking forward to this one. The great thing about the Mummy, was that it walked a fine line between horror/thriller and camp, but it worked ala Indiana Jones. The Mummy Returns took itself a little too seriously but had its standout scenes, like the hilarious bus scene. It sounds like the great chemistry between Frasier and Weisz is missing here. What a shame, cooked to well on the camp side.

  • April 26, 2004, 1:02 p.m. CST

    Spell check, anyone?

    by novasoy

    Why can't reviewers spell check their shit before they submit it? I mean, rilly, is it that haard?

  • April 26, 2004, 1:03 p.m. CST

    75% of this movie is GCI..........

    by Audets70

    Huh..........SO 75% of this movie is CGI and it got boring fast. I wonder then what your thought were on the LOTR triology. That was my biggest problem with those movies, as it was all effects, little acting/story elements. Million dollars says this guy loved LOTR movies, making him a complete hypocrite! I loved the Mummy movies, so will probably like this movie. I kindof wished they woudlve gone hard core though, not make it a popcorn flick. And dont know about the acting, but Kate B looks amazingly hot!

  • April 26, 2004, 1:06 p.m. CST

    His girlfriend wants her money back?!?

    by magusreno

    What is this, the nineties?

  • April 26, 2004, 1:13 p.m. CST

    Monster Squad...holy shit

    by Mel Garga

    Haven't heard this one referenced in a long time. Did anyone see Saturday the 14th with Jeffrey Tambor and Richard Benjamin? Talk about crap! My name is Horace! (pumps shotgun)

  • April 26, 2004, 1:17 p.m. CST

    NEW RULE: Anyone who uses the words "anyhoo" or "anywho" should

    by Bill Maher

    What, is "anyway" or "anyhow" difficult to spell or something, you dumb fucks? Van Helsing sounds more and more like a dumb fun classic. Not just bad, but hilarious bad. ANYWAY, I'll wait for HBO.

  • April 26, 2004, 1:21 p.m. CST

    Anybody that puts Frankenstein's creature in a movie should be r

    by James Hall

    He's not slow, he's not stupid, and he doesn't limp. Shelley goes to great lengths to describe how swift and cunning he is. Sorry, I know it is off topic, but its a real pet peeve of mine.

  • April 26, 2004, 1:49 p.m. CST

    Vampires can come out in sunlight....

    by emwolf

    Hey there - haven't seen any of this movie - but hey give us folks who haven't seen it a chance to see it and then decide for ourselves - if it's a turd then it's a turd. If it's anything at all like The Avengers or Batman & Robin then by god i'll happy agree with you ;) And on 'vampires can apparently come out in daylight' in the beginning of this review - in Bram Stoker's book vampires could actually come out in daytime if was overcast - they're just weaker - they did that in the FF Coppola flick - whole sunlight thing was invented in the original 'Nosferatu' - you learn something new everyday....

  • April 26, 2004, 2:05 p.m. CST

    I'll bet the carriage that sets said werebeast on fire when the

    by SalvatoreGravano

    ...is adorned with SILVER nails all around. Arf, arf! That would be a perfect example of Sommers's "intellect" and "creativity" at their "best".

  • April 26, 2004, 2:07 p.m. CST

    Actually, in the old days, Sommers would be making coffee for ex

    by SalvatoreGravano

    Then again, his coffee making skills are probably nonexistant, just as his writing, casting and directing ones.

  • April 26, 2004, 2:09 p.m. CST

    Dear God, it IS a plant...

    by SalvatoreGravano

    Well, just look at the proof below! http://tinyurl.com/35rjf

  • April 26, 2004, 2:18 p.m. CST

    PAUL ANDERSON CAN FINALLY SLEEP AT NIGHT

    by JimmyRabbit

    for another hack has surpassed him in hackishness. Stephen Sommers is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse than Anderson.

  • April 26, 2004, 2:52 p.m. CST

    Finally

    by johne5

    finally some Monster Squad appreciation. that is one of the coolest movies ever. wolfman's got nards

  • April 26, 2004, 3:06 p.m. CST

    The Mummy Returns > The Mummy > Deep Rising

    by AlwaysThere

    May 7th will determine Van Helsing's rank.

  • April 26, 2004, 3:09 p.m. CST

    You know what one of my all time biggest pet peeves is?

    by Manaqua

    It's when somebody in a film holds a weapon that just magically spins in their hands. I hate that shot in the trailer when VH has the blades spinning in his hand. That shit is fucking gay as hell and so damn cliche. It's a pedestrian and unskilled way to say "hey look, this guy has twirly blade thingys, he must be badass." Uuuugh. Cheese.

  • April 26, 2004, 3:14 p.m. CST

    I'll be there!

    by Durendal

    The Werewolf's gas tank exploding when he hit the carraige clinched it. I'm going with a bunch of buddies, and we're gonna blast this sucker like nothing else! From the sounds of it, this movie is shit, and not just your average shit. No, it's the incediary post-Mexican-and-beer-binge nuclear fallout shit. Should be a blast to MST3K! Probably the best movie for knocking since Vertical Limit!

  • April 26, 2004, 3:27 p.m. CST

    Do Torgo and Trumpy make cameos?

    by durhay

    Chili peppers burn my gut.

  • April 26, 2004, 3:37 p.m. CST

    The thing is everyone is going to see it , even tho it's BAD. ma

    by Rcamacho2278

    Did everyone who said the punisher was bad decide to go see that one too? I mean the more you support these HACK directors the more they will make movies because they prove to make a profit. Like the guy who did HOuse of the DEAD. that movie STILL made money and look! he's making more movies. I gaurantee theres plenty of other people out there who deserve funds to make a good movie other than the typical hacks who churn out the same shit every year and you people soak it up. So here's Van Helsing, everyone is telling you it SUCKS, and you guys SIMPLY MUST SEE it. makes no fucken sense Man, what really bugs me are the movies that actually deserve your money you come back on these talkbacks and talk MAD shit about it. go ahead, compare Hulk to Van Helsing. tell me how you like it and which one deserved the money

  • April 26, 2004, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Noteto self, rent monster Squad.....

    by Archduke_Chocula

    and Death Race 2000

  • April 26, 2004, 4:13 p.m. CST

    Well, I never meant it that way.....so fuck you.

    by llac3

    I'm not creaming my pants over them, but I'd rather see and maybe actually PAY to see Troy and Harry Potter- something that I definitely will NOT do with this piece of shit. I bet more than 90% of the people in the talkback WILL PAY to see this movie, even though they're bitching now and will bitch after they've seen it. That's what I meant with the term "bitches". I never said "Harry Potter and Troy will rule!"

  • April 26, 2004, 4:15 p.m. CST

    big, screen hyde

    by u.k. star

    sorry to disapoint all you guys who keep moaning about the monstrous hyde being ripped off from alan moore's league of ex gentlemen, but mr hyde has been a giant monstor on screen for years! here are some random and disperate examples. the ITV (u.k's itv channel number 3) productions of both jack the ripper (1988) and Jekyll & Hyde (1990)(with michael caine) the pagemaster, any 1940's or 1950's looney tunes cartoon you wanna think of where a character (usualy tweetie pie i think) drinks a hyde like potion and grows into an enormous monster! yep you remeber it now don't ya! sorry you might not like it but the vast majority of people are gonna have their understanding of Jekyll & Hydehyde from those toons or any number of the numerous other plays/movies/adaptations of the Jekyll & Hyde story. as for the movie myself and somwhere between $100m $150m worth of others will be going to see van helsing in the opening week. i, as they, hope it's a good movie. any ,admittedly slim, hopes i had that this might be a darker more serious movie have long since gone out of the window but my money is still on it being a hell of a lot of fun, check back nect thursday to see what i though if ya like, but people please, alan moore be praised but drop the hyde monster complaints there's nothing to see hear!

  • April 26, 2004, 4:28 p.m. CST

    Saturday the 14th

    by Silverhour

    I've seen it, but for the life of me can't remember anything about it. Monster Squad, THE single best Werewolf on film, period. If someone can name a more more convincing one, I'd like to know. As for VH, I'm still on the fence as to whether I'll see it or not. I really wanted to like this movie, but man are these reviews dissapointing.

  • April 26, 2004, 4:37 p.m. CST

    The First review is a PLANT!!!

    by PlantBoy!

    Yep, a plant from an exec at another studio. Believe it!

  • April 26, 2004, 4:50 p.m. CST

    and this was a SURPRISE to you people?

    by horseloverfat723

    Just what led you believe in any way shape or form that this was going to have anything good about it at all?

  • April 26, 2004, 4:54 p.m. CST

    I hope it flops...

    by UnChienAndalou

    ...so that Universal stops bankrolling Sommers' dreadful action potboilers. I'm sure lots of people say this about big-budget fx extravaganzas and 90% of the time they're lying, but believe me...BELIEVE ME...when I say that I will never see Van Helsing. Seriously. It looks like pure, unmitigated crap in the vein of both Mummy flicks and Deep Rising. I won't see VH at the multiplex or the $1$ theatre and I certainly won't rent it. If I stumble upon a dvd viewing of it someday--let's say for arguement's sake one of my friends is foolish enough to rent it or buy it--I'll do my best to tolerate it, but I won't be happy or amused. My prediction: a big opening (not as big as predicted, but big nonetheless)and a KBV2-esque plummet from the top spot followed by a quick, painful fade. Ergo, the aforementioned viewing that I could stumble upon could take place before September.

  • April 26, 2004, 4:59 p.m. CST

    I'm definatly going to go see this movie...

    by DOGSOUP

    ..Drunk. That's right shitfaced fall down drunk. Even better..I'm going to drink in the theater! After reading every review I could find from all of the screenings, that seems to be the wisest course of action. You see, I don't know about you people(shit, some of you people I don't think even know about themselves), but when I go to a movie I like to enjoy myself. I can enjoy a craptacular movie too...when I'm drunk. It's a good thing Portland has theater pubs too...they let you guzzle down beer while watching the movie! It's great! And that's AFTER a trip to the bar and $25 worth of liquer in me! WooHoo this movie is going to rock! Then I get to puke afterwards! See people, it's all about perspective.....

  • April 26, 2004, 5:04 p.m. CST

    I can't wait to see this . . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . even though it will suck! I was at first super excited for it because of the cool premise. Then I immediately detested it from the previews. Now, once again, I'm super excited to see it, this time because of all these bad reviews. It looks like I'll be filing this under "Big Budget So Bad It's Good" along w/ Anaconda.

  • April 26, 2004, 5:07 p.m. CST

    Harry, you've got to hire Julius

    by sprewell

    I think that may be the first decently written review I've ever read on AICN. He even referenced previous reviews! If Harry were smart, he would hire this guy as a roving preview reviewer.

  • April 26, 2004, 5:41 p.m. CST

    Kate Beckinsale is the sexiest tomboy beanpole star of bad vampi

    by Funmazer

    This is/was a movie with a really cool premise, but, ug, it sounds like it took a dive off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down! The only thing worse than a BAD movie is a BAD movie that COULD have been so cool. Like Wild Wild West. It was a top-notch production, it just had a god-awful script. It's like they try to cover up the script with lots of expensive sets and FX and hope nobody can see it. The next worse thing about a bad movie is it kills the chances for other similar better movies. Of course I am speaking of "Castlevania - The Movie" and the game DID have annoying leaping midgets. I guess I'm mostly pissed because this is a movie I really wanted to see but now I probably won't even bother.

  • April 26, 2004, 6:02 p.m. CST

    sucks nuts

    by Kcir

    Hey, I like having my nuts sucked so i guess I will like this movie

  • April 26, 2004, 6:42 p.m. CST

    Van Helsing a classic like The Mummy

    by Captain DuMont

    I cannot believe all this negative energy swirling around Van Helsing ... it IS from those who gave us the CGI and plotless masterpiece, THE MUMMY --- so how can it be bad? Since when in the last few years has a movie needed a plot to make drones of bug-eyed film fanatics throw their money at the box-office and create yet another "HIT" movie that will be forgotten as quickly as it takes to read this wind-blowing, rambling paragraph. It's not like VAN HELSING is a rip-off of any real movie with substance, like say, VAMPIRE HUNTER D: BLOODLUST. (I don't know what in the HAT made me think of that) Gee, I think VAN HELSING can be perhaps as deep and thoughtful of a twisted adaptation as ANG LEE'S HULK, yet another masterpiece of plotless CGI cinema. It's not like movie goers are ever going to take a stand and not go to and support "COOL" movies such as VAN HELSING. Thus, embrace the badness!

  • April 26, 2004, 6:47 p.m. CST

    This movie looks cool

    by FelatioHornblowr

    And The Punisher kicked ass. And I liked The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. So fuck all of y'all. I hope you sons-a-bitches stay the fuck home so's I can prop up my feet on seat in front of me and shout obscenities in the theater.

  • April 26, 2004, 7:09 p.m. CST

    yeah, but will you be trashing this movie like you did to The Pu

    by super Cucaracha

    THE GANG HAS SPOKEN HARRY ( at least the majority of us ). Kill Bill 2 sucked donkey dick! It dropped at least 50% profits from last week. It came on 3rd this past weekend. Shit, even Jennifer Garner beat the shit out of the bride. Van Helsing did not open the same day KB2 opened and if it did, you would have dissed it like The Punisher. THE PUNISHER JUST HAPPENED TO BE AT THE WRONG PLACE AND AT THE WRONG TIME, RIGHT HOMIE? After watching volume 1 and thinking it was one of the coolest movies lately, Quentin lets loose one of the biggest piles of crap ever! AS A MATTER OF FACT, QT EVEN PROBABLY FELT THAT #2 WAS CRAP AND THAT'S WHY HE DECIDED TO SPLIT IT IN TO 2 MOVIES...that's embarrasing!

  • April 26, 2004, 7:23 p.m. CST

    to moriartyisahomo, I AGREE

    by Rcamacho2278

    I LOVED punisher, and I thought harrys review of the punisher plus with the way Tarantino behaved in the jimmy kimmel show, I can only picture harry sending a copy of his review to tarantino and them both laughing it up with the subject heading "this should make KB #1 Box office" I mean honestly EVERYONE who saw the punisher said the same thing, it was PRETTY damn good.

  • April 26, 2004, 7:48 p.m. CST

    These guys probably work for another studio

    by andrew coleman

    I mean the movie looks bad, duh. But it looks good bad, like a fun time. Isn't that what summer movies are for anyway? I'm seeing this one for sure because if things randomly explode, I'm there. Also when that guy yelled out the movie sucks balls or whatever, someone should have kicked his ass. I hate when people yell stupid shit during movies because it is not funny, just sad.

  • April 26, 2004, 7:50 p.m. CST

    To "iTylerDurden": If you want spoilers so you don't have to si

    by FrankDrebin

    Why is Mr Hyde in this? VH works for The Vatican, and they wouldn't care if some big goon was trampling prostitutes.

  • April 26, 2004, 7:56 p.m. CST

    To "BankyEdwards": Seen Steven Segal's commercial for 7/11? At

    by FrankDrebin

    So this will be the third sucky movie within a year with both vampires AND werewolves. Maybe I'll skip VH and put the money toward the Frankenstein dvd box.

  • April 26, 2004, 8:01 p.m. CST

    P2P's got Nards.....

    by High Grade 4 Eva

    Monster Squads out there on P2P, go on, you know u wanna! Cheaper than renting!!!

  • April 26, 2004, 8:03 p.m. CST

    van helsing

    by QT_nerd

    After reading these early reviews all i can say is that people have lost the spirit of summer at the movies.Van helsing is going to be a popcorn flick period,nothing more nothing less.Everybosy should expect this from the guy who directed the very fun mummy and mummy returns and even deep rising was boat loads of fun. This movie is the meaning of summer.Have fun.

  • April 26, 2004, 8:51 p.m. CST

    Vampire Hunter D.

    by john*wayne

    Will you people stop complaining about the look of Van Helsing being lifted from Vampire Hunter D. Please! If anything, Vampire Hunter D.'s look was lifted from Soloman Kane, a charecter created by Robert E. Howard, creator of Conan the Barbarian. Kane was a Witch Hunter that operated in New England a few hundred years ago, and was created in the 1930's.

  • April 26, 2004, 9 p.m. CST

    Off Topic, but it has to be said.

    by flossygomez

    Is anyone else here getting fucking tired off watching Harry crapping an egg? I for one want to tear my eyes out and eat them. Let's start a goddamn PETITION!!!!

  • April 26, 2004, 9:03 p.m. CST

    Van Helsing Action and Kane

    by Captain DuMont

    Plus, the fact VAN HELSING is being promoted as the year's first big ACTION movie says volumes ... when a movie about vampires, hunters, werewolves, monsters et al is qualified as a big action movie, that's trouble ... Solomon Kane, interesting, remind me what movie he is featured in? Since this is a discussion about films, I'd love to see it! Otherwise, VAN HELING (the movie) is ripping off the look of VAMPIRE HUNTER D (the movie), and its just not the look of the main characters, its a whole bunch of other things as well ... I'm sure there are many other characters similar in the past, but I'm just going with the film world.

  • April 26, 2004, 9:06 p.m. CST

    Come on, everyone knew the MOMENT those first publicity photos o

    by FluffyUnbound

    When you get that much advance warning no one should be surprised. Those photos were a publicity low point only equalled in wretchedness by the Catwoman costume. THERE ARE LIMITS TO HOW CHEESY THINGS CAN BE AND STILL SUCCEED. I mean, come on Universal - you've got a public with the lowest standards since the change to talkies, and you STILL underestimate people and overcheese shit? You losers deserve to lose your blouses, and on this POS you are certain to lose BIG. This film will be sharing a bin with The Alamo in a couple of months.

  • April 26, 2004, 9:27 p.m. CST

    Paying to see Vomit Hellsink? Har, har...

    by SalvatoreGravano

    I'm not even sure if I'll find it worth downloading when it's out, off Efnet or elsewhere... :-D

  • April 26, 2004, 9:39 p.m. CST

    Here's a Kill Bill House of the Blue Leaves flash game that's mo

    by Tall_Boy

    ok, this is my post about the KB flash game. But it gets pretty addictive after awhile for some reason

  • April 26, 2004, 9:53 p.m. CST

    Evrything about Vampire Hunter D. is borrowed

    by john*wayne

    Stolen is stolen. If you have a

  • April 26, 2004, 9:58 p.m. CST

    here we go again!

    by fanboyjm

    It's a shame to hear all this shit about a story w/ such promise. The "Monster Squad" reference was classic, loved that movie as a kid & it's still fun.I LOVE KATE BECKINSALE!!! She still won't sell this movie to me alone. Hugh should choose his next role aliitle more carefully. I will still go see it but, at least I know what to expect. Sommers can only make over the top movies. OH-WELL!

  • Come on. Stop this shit already. So you think Vampire Hunter D is unoriginal? Nothing really is 100% original. Does it suck like Van Hellsing? That's what matters.

  • April 26, 2004, 10:16 p.m. CST

    blah blah blah....

    by manwiththedogs

    I have 2 words for all the naysayers...Josie Maran has GREAT FUGGIN TITS!!! and thats enuff 4 me, Peace.

  • April 26, 2004, 10:50 p.m. CST

    If you really MUST see this movie...

    by Johnny Ahab

    ...please please please buy a ticket to some other deserving film, then sneak into "VAN HELSING". Cuz if this movie makes a shitload of money and you paid for it, you only have yourself to blame for Hollywood turning out more and more of this moronic shite. My God, this sounds worse than "WILD WILD WEST", "GODZILLA", "THE AVENGERS", "BATMAN & ROBIN" and "LXG" all rolled into one! You suck Sommers! (But exploding werewolves is pretty damn hilarious...)

  • April 26, 2004, 11:27 p.m. CST

    Im starting to get a little depressed here

    by Wildcarde1

    There seems to be very few movies this summer that im looking forward to now. I was hoping VH would be a good one. On a similar note... I LOVED Kill Bill Vol1 and I hated vol 2 there were 3 scenes that shouldnt have ever been in that movie and it was just disappointing, but funny enough i have also seen Punisher and I did think it was Good, I mean at least i enjoyed it. So heres hoping Troy, Harry Potter, Mindhunters, Shrek2, Dodgeball, Riddick or Spidey2 can save the summer for me, But im not counting on anything. Too bad July and August Look like a complete bust. See this is why US theaters should sell alcohol, deaden the pain and disappointment. What we need is for someone to make a good buddy, action pic with Jason Lee and Bruce campbell co-starring

  • April 27, 2004, 12:06 a.m. CST

    Hunter D

    by john*wayne

    I

  • April 27, 2004, 12:18 a.m. CST

    Sommers

    by Mafu

    I agree with the second reviewer that Stephen Sommers is a pathetic director. One of the worst ever, in my opinion. He makes poorly conceived, poorly written, poorly acted pieces of cinematic shit, and I hope "Van Helsing" tanks, thus exposing him for the fraud he is. In all honesty, I imagine he's probably a nice guy who works hard at his craft. Actors may like working for him. The problems are his finished products, and I find his lack of creativity and hamfisted production embarassing to the filmmaking community. At this point, I'm entirely indifferent to "Van Helsing."

  • April 27, 2004, 12:40 a.m. CST

    some of you people truly DESERVE NUCLEAR WAR

    by horseloverfat723

    Ok, liking the Punisher and hating Kill Bill? You people have NO FUCKING TASTE, and clearly are A.D.D. Americans brainwashed by soulless blockbuster movie culture. How can you actually say that and keep a straight face? and the Punisher was HORRID, and was NOTHING like the comic book! The guy who played Frank Castle was fine, but the material was TERRIBLE. As an avid comic fan since childhood, that movie like almost every other comic book adaptation was insulting.

  • April 27, 2004, 3:09 a.m. CST

    Why do people keep grousing about the horses and carriage jumpin

    by Mosquito March

    Who cares? It's a fucking fantasy movie - all kinds of unbelievable shit happens in fantasy movies. I mean, the same trailer features a vampire-harpy-thing shrieking toward the hero. That shit can't happen, either! What I don't get is how people can rationalize trashing the impossibility of a stunt in one movie and not in another. Most of the action in the LORD OF THE RINGS movies is unbelievable, and nobody cares. Hell - most of the action in KILL BILL is unbelievable. And, nobody cares. Honestly, I shudder to think how you can handle sitting through an Indiana Jones film, if everything has to be absolutely real. Get over the horses and carriage jumping the canyon, man - it's not that big a deal.

  • April 27, 2004, 3:39 a.m. CST

    Transylvania 6-5000

    by pogo on my own

    Did that movie have a werewolf? I barely remember anything about it, just that is was not very good.

  • April 27, 2004, 4:43 a.m. CST

    Kate Bekinsale

    by pammybabe

    I agree with what others have said about Kate Beckinsale - she is a great actress but if she's not careful she is going to become the queen of bad summer blockbusters. I hate trashing films I havn't seen yet but on the whole this seems another example of how lazy Hollywood studio execs are getting these days. You can almost see the pitch Sommers gave to the studio - "It's got Dracula, Frankenstein, werewolves, plenty of CGI, Hugh Jackman and Kate Bekinsale. This thing practically writes itself so I won't need to waste time with a script! Those idiot teens will lap it up." Very sad.

  • April 27, 2004, 7:11 a.m. CST

    "This movie sucks nuts" - annonymous (2004)

    by themaestro

    Never forget this day my friends.

  • April 27, 2004, 11:58 a.m. CST

    You all know you LOVE this movie...

    by NightArrows

    Don't fucking lie! I think they should have cast Corky from Life Goes On as Van Helsing. Then instead of weapons he could use his handy-rage and toss those monsters around like sea monkeys in a typhoon! Kate Beckensale is hot and all, but why not cast Bea Arthur? And no clothes please, have her run around and mate with Corky and frolic like a sweaty naked prune in a paint can shaker! In fact, scratch all that, remake Love Story with above mentioned casting choices, keep the handy-rage, have Corky toss cars and people around and mate with Bea, and climb the Empire State building and put the One Ring on the top and end the film with a diatribe by Corky on how the Irish were responsible for that piece of shit Matrix Revolutions, he farts, then falls to his death. The End. Where's MY paycheck Mr. Sommers?

  • April 27, 2004, 12:13 p.m. CST

    You are another idiot who missed my point, John Wayne

    by llac3

    You can go eat the peanuts out of my shit now, pilgrim.

  • April 27, 2004, 12:17 p.m. CST

    You think this is funny now, just wait until NBC brings it to th

    by WarDog

    OMG, I just read that NBC has plans to bring a spin-off, er, RIP-OFF called Transylvania, based on Van Helsing. Some shithead suit got this bright idea before seeing the B.O. of Van Helsing, thought for sure it would be a monster hit and decided he wanted a piece of the monster movie pie, since he evidently is to FUCKING STUPID to come up with something original. But maybe we'll be spared that shit on TV if Van Helsing tanks in theaters. Let's all pray that happens.

  • April 27, 2004, 6:17 p.m. CST

    Kane owns Vampire Hunter D.

    by john*wayne

  • April 27, 2004, 7:59 p.m. CST

    NightArrows

    by monorail77

    Oh man, that was one of the funniest posts in ages. Thank you so much. I really REALLY want to see that Bea Arthur movie with the farting rage-infused guy and the one-ring. Funny funny stuff.

  • Read my other posts to see what other idiot I'm referring to. Get your hand out of your pants for a second and scroll up with your mouse. Did it ever cross your mind that the costume designer for VH stole the idea from Vampire Hunter D and not Kane? I hope the thought doesn't give you a seisure. I thought a genius tended to steal material and make something new (and really good) out of it anyway. Oh, and I just loved your Charlie Brown analogy. You should really consider writing scripts. Lord knows it takes tremendous talent to come up with stuff like that.

  • April 28, 2004, 3:18 a.m. CST

    nightarrows

    by thelurkerx

    Man, that was some funny shit. I laughed out loud. Bea makes everything funnier. Or more horrifying. Guess it depends on the context. Battlefield Earth forced me to come up with as many works for shit as Eskimoes have for snow. I think I'll skip V.H. and save the strain on my vocabulary.

  • April 28, 2004, 3:20 a.m. CST

    uhh, words.

    by thelurkerx

    Shit, I meant words, not works. What was that about spellcheck?

  • May 2, 2004, 8:30 p.m. CST

    Is Van Helsing like Castlevania??

    by staro4

    ?