Cool News
VAN HELSING - A $200 Million Dollar TROMA Film' Read On!
Hey folks, Harry here... UNIVERSAL and Stephen Sommers recently screened the completed print of VAN HELSING in New York City and I've only received 3 reviews so far. 2 Negatives and 1 Positive -- and personally - I believe the Positive review simply because ... well, you'll have to read it for yourself.
Yeah, i just got back from the "2nd ever screening of Van Helsing"( says Stephen Sommers). This is complete bullshit, but I did get in the door just 10 minutes before writing this. I felt, "Screw what i was told, i need to tell the world about Van Helsing."
This movie is hilariously bad. I ate dinner before going, got a water at the theater and was hitting my head with the water bottle at parts. This movie is funnier when it isn't supposed to be then when it is.
So, heres the good, the bad, and the ugly...
The Good:
a) Allen Daviau's cinematography. This was the only thing that i truly liked about this movie. This caliber of cinematography would be oscar-worthy in another movie. However, in this crap-fest, its really put to waste. He still manages to make the best of it though. Seriously, if you see this movie, really watch the pictures, forget about the bad acting and lackluster plot.
b) Alan Silvestri's score. The only other good thing about this movie. Seriously, if you took out the dialogue, this movie would be a whole lot better. Just let the music and the pictures do the talking.
The Bad:
a) Hugh Jackman/Kate Beckinsale/David Wenham: They all try their best here, but Stephen Sommers laughably bad script just limits their performances.
b) The Monsters: Its fun to see Universal return to their roots. I just wish they could've used them better.
c) The Visual Effects: Not as bad as the 1000 Agent Smith battle in that other shitfest Matrix:Reloaded, but still, ive seen much better and would expect much better from the movie Universal is relying on doing well this summer.
The Action Sequences: Some were fun. Some were laughable. Some were just plain annoying and boring. When seeing this, watch for the Carriage sequence, and the masquerade ball. Those are fun to watch. The others are just ehh..
The Ugly:
Richard Roxburgh and his Vampire Clan: Holy shit. For anyone who saw Underworld, this guy is overacting more than the guy who played Kraven (the head of the vamps. Wow, Kate Beckinsale sure does love movies with vampires.). And his three brides, the best comedic trio since the three stooges and the Marx Brothers. Seriously, when you watch them, feel free to crack up, most of the audience at the screening did...
Stephen Sommers- What can i say? He can't write for shit and he's a fairly poor director as well.
The Runtime- It should've ended about 30 minutes before it actually did.
Overall, this movie was maybe like a 4/10. Go see it if you must, but if you're not sure, don't. Just remember when these characters were actually in classic movies...
If you post this, i am Kashavarniscus!!!!Ouch... and let's see how that first screening went....
Dear Ainitcool,
I went to an advanced screening last night of Universal's Van Helsing.The advanced screening was at the Sony Lincoln Square theatre in NYC, Stephen Sommers introduced the picture and said it was the first time an audience was watching a finished print of the film. I admit, amongst my group of three other friends I was the odd man out. I was the only one who thought this was a truly terrible movie.
I won't bore you with a synopsis and I won't ruin any plot points with spoilers. The movie starts off with promise; we get a black and white tribute to the old horror films of old.
Van Helsing starts off pretty badass. I was a little surprised at the sight of blood in his first battle. It's a neat surprise who you see him fight FIRST, so I won't ruin it. I'll just say it's not one of the films main movie monsters. But after that, he seemed to put away his cool spinning blades and becomes really tame. And this is where everything falls apart.
The performances are where this movie really begins to fall into itself. Jackman was good, no complaints from him. Dracula, played by Richard Roxburgh, was a truly terrible casting decision. I suppose maybe they were trying to go for the campy Dracula of old but every time he tried to be funny or over the top it came out terribly. Even worse than him are his three vampire brides. They seemed to live for far too long in this movie, and every ounce of screen time they take up caused me physical pain. You don't just cringe at their Transylvanian accents you want to get up in there and kill them yourself. Going with models instead of actors with these parts really killed the feel of the film. It went from campy-fun to campy-embarrassing. And the beautiful Kate Beckinsale, what does she bring to this film? The same deadpan poor excuse for acting that she gave us in Underworld. Her accent being the worst of the bunch. Again, terrible choice for this film. With all these terrible performances it was hard to focus on the pretty neat action scenes or the always-cool Hugh Jackman.
The special effects are not very good. And I'm the kind of person that never complains about FX shots in films. I understand not everything can look very real all the time, but that stupid mouth stretch all the vampires do is just another aspect of the film that I felt looked more ridiculous than menacing or cool. And for those who remember the CGI monster fight at the end of Mortal Kombat Annihilation and prayed this would never be attempted again, well it's back and yes two giant CGI monsters fighting each other is still boring and as unbelievable as ever. I couldn't shake off the feeling that none of this is meant to be as funny as it is. Plot devices were in full effect, and you could predict what things they are setting up for later in the film. The ending I must say, isn't as cookie cutter as the rest of the film, but an off-beat ending can't make up for this awful awful film. Where do I place most of the blame? Cast and Acting. Everything else was up to par with a Stephen Sommers adventure action flick. Whatever that means. I enjoyed the Mummy films as much as anyone else, but this I just can’t bring myself to give a recommendation.
The movie at times seemed to be going for intentional campiness such as with Igor, Dr. Frankenstein’s sidekick. Another comic relief character was Carl played by David Wenman. It was sad to see the man who gave us Farramir, reduced to this sidekick one note character. The Wolfman is used mostly for action scenes and is given really little meaning in the film. The Frankenstein Monster has the only depth you'll find, and if you feel for ANYONE in this movie, he's the one I'd bet my money on. And as I said with Dracula and his brides, since they take up most of this film, they completely ruin whatever chance this film had at being fun. Instead it's a compilation of terrible acting and clichéd set pieces.
I was very disappointed. You were warned.
Ouch again... From those very first test screenings in Colorado up until this point, we haven't received a single positive review for this movie. Everyone hates Dracula in the film. Everyone seemed to dislike the CG overkill. And everyone has thought the film was ridiculously awful, but... BUT... I hear that the studio testing for this film is actually quite high, and that aside from the cynical few, that most had a great time... Well, why haven't they written in? Well here's the first of that other side of the coin, the folks that loved it. Here ya go...
Hi,
I had the chance to catch Van Helsing yesterday in NYC for an advance screening.
Stephen Sommers introduced the movie, saying to us that we were the first audience to see the movie fully completed, in its definitive version (i'm a lucky motherfucker ;). I liked the fact that he didn't say : "I'm the director of that movie". I think it's humble from him. My roommate, with who I was, didn't know he was the director until I told him after the movie.
By the way, excuse my poor english, cause I'm french.
That movie fucking rocks !
Forget bad reviews you've read, if you're in the mood for a big summer blockbuster movie, Van Helsing has definitely all you can expect from that and more.
Usually, I would never send a review from an advance screening, because I don't want to be a part of that big Hollywood marketing crap. But that movie totally blew me away, and I feel it needs support, because that's what Hollywood movies should always be like.
I'm currently doing an internship at Troma (that 30 year old independent movie studio that brought you movies like The Toxic Avenger, Tromeo & Juliet, or Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD), so needless to say that I usually hate those big blockbuster Hollywood movies that don't care at all for their audience but only for money.
But I totally felt Van Helsing was a big Troma movie (what a Troma movie would be with millions and millions of dollars): non-stop action, real love for movie-making from the director and crew and care for audience. Plus a lot of humor and a little horror (only sex is missing from Troma movies).
Definitely, The Lord of the Rings already shows its influence in newer movies, and you can say that Stephen Sommers must be a huge fan of that movie, because all the references. There's also plenty of references to other movies (good movies, like Blade II), all in good taste, and not bad rip-off.
I don't want to enter into the plot, you'll discover it in theatres. It's not very complex, but it's not that kind of movie. It's just pure entertainment, without cynicism at all.
I can understand the complaints about little character development, but there's enough for that kind of movie. It's not Lord of the Rings, nor Hellboy. It's not meant to be a deep movie, but to just give audience pure pleasure without thinking to much, but not taking them for stupid dumb-asses.
Stephen Sommers really love movies, and manage to share that love with the audience. He's not a pretentious asshole, and he really cares about his movies.
I see him as part of that bunch of new Hollywood directors that really love movies and care for their audiences, like Peter Jackson, Sam Raimi, Guillermo Del Toro... They are the future of Hollywood, and I hope they take over that whole actual Hollywood crap and continue to bring us movies with intelligence and heart, and in the process make people think different about movies.
I realize that I didn't really speak about Van Helsing, but you just have to see it for yourself. I can't wait for Spiderman 2, and with Van Helsing and Hellboy, I think we have a pretty good year in terms of Hollywood blockbusters.
But, I feel like Hellboy is going to age way better than Van Helsing, because of its depth, what Van Helsing lacks.
fAtquickOk - so fAtquick believes that VAN HELSING is a $200 Million Dollar TROMA film minus the sex! For some reason that has me laughing so hard. The idea of walking into the theater thinking... this is a $200 Million Dollar TROMA film tickles me to death. And somehow, I think that will be the single most accurate perception of VAN HELSING anywhere. I've only read the script and seen the trailers... but I think that statement is going to be incredibly accurate. And I can't wait!
-
+ Expand All
-
More like a $2.00 PLANT!
-
The positive review was so clearly and transparently a plant...
-
Man...I'll tell you what....when I saw that preview in the theaters and the horse drawn buggy jumping the bridge that was out....I screamed...HOLY SHIT!!! THIS IS A GOD DAMN SEXY FILM!!!...I HAVE NOT SEEN BRILLIANCE LIKE THAT SINCE "HOOPER"!!!!! BURT REYNOLDS ROCKS!!!!! BETTER THAN EVIL KENEVIL!!!!!....And thus, I hope it has wire fu too! - - - George, The 7th Chicken!!!!
-
...but that positive review would give Swamp Thing a boner.
-
Who cares about this Van Halen reunion, what matters is that Shaun of the Dead is Number 1 at the UK box office. Have a banana!
-
and that was the SAG-award winning Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid!!! A movie of that caliber could only be made from a budget such as that. The great Tibor Feldman, timeless as "Fat Guy", had a well-deserved asking price of at least $30 Million....
-
Because, by the sound of it, those that did like the film are too busy mailing Santa Claus their Christmas lists via snail mail.
-
Yeah, im Kashavarniscus as well. Wow, but this movie really did suck. That guy has to be a plant. The whole audience was laughing when it wasnt supposed to be. Oh, and in my screening (the second one), he introduced himself as the director, and made himself feel important. Harry, just wait till you see the film. Or maybe they'll pay him off like Moriarty and The Real Cancun.
-
That both the negative reviews that Harry doesn't believe complain about the same exact things. I cracked up anyitme Dracula or his brides came on screen. And the FX were pretty crappy.
-
Apr 23, 2004 8:09:39 AM CDT
hhmmm, let's see....two intelligent reviews vs. one fanboy revie
by maxwell's hammer
...well, even though the first two reviews were intelligently written and made informed critique, and even though the second review didn't say anything specific about the movie, I'm going side with the fawning fanboy, because he said TROMA!! For the love of Pete, can we get sensible for just a few seconds Harry?
-
I think that say's it all regrading this guy's positive review
-
i am also cannot speaking the english so good. because of zis, ze dialog een this film sounded very superior to my tin ear.
oh well - such shameless lying is always quite funny. stephen sommers though - jesus, nothing funny about that guy, nothing funny at all. -
Yes it is first, our favorite movie magazine over here in Britain, Empire, is taking credit for putting it there but i feel you guys deserve an equal share, fuck Scooby Doo, fuck him in his stupid little doggy ass. Anyway maybe they should let Stephen Sommers direct Superman, he would probably do a fairly good job.
-
Christ, this must be the worst movie ever made.
-
And Woody, I'm going to bang your girlfriend Kelly.
-
Everyone forgets Zeppo.
Wow, an expensive Troma film. So seeing as how I never watch Troma films, why should I watch an expensive one? -
...was number 1 for TUE/WED NIGHT ONLY,THAT MEANS FUCK ALL YOU DUMB CUNTS!Van Helsing looks like great fun,take your heads out of your arseholes for once in a while and ENJOY something.Something like Punisher,which was FUN!Unlike Vol 2,which was UTTER SHITE and you all know it!
-
Not in the Donnie Darko/Fight Club way, but in the "I can't believe they go there, this movie is crap, but damn is it entertaining" kinda way.
I don't think that TROMA gets enough credit for what they do. They know what they make is crap, it's meant to be, it is meant to be low rent, pulp film making. I would never rate a TROMA film on my top 50 list, but everyone that I have seen (and I have seen quite a few) have entertained me. They appeal to that part of the human brain that slows down to look at car crashes, likes to look at medical abnormalities (read: Freaks) and gory horror films.
I have met Lloyd Kauffman (sp?) on many occasions, and the man is a genius. He make act like a jester for the camera, but beneath that jocular exterior lies the heart of a shrewd businessman and highly intelligent class act.
So, don't go knocking TROMA. If you appreciate South Park then you would appreciate them. THey are accomplishing the same thing and have so for over 30 years.
As far as Van Helsing goes, I knew it would be crap from day one. The CGI looks ridiculous, especially the shots where the "vamps" stretch their jaws---it looks like some paper mask being put over their real mouths.
And Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsdale seem to be "hamming it up". Now this is meant to be a "serious" horror/action movie and it is coming off campy and cheezy IN ALL OF THE BAD WAYS.
I won't even waste the price of a rental on this turd. -
Jeers to letting the guy who gave us the Mummy movies be in charge. sk
-
We all know this movie is going to be a mindless summer blockbuster like Tomb Raider and The Mummy, and it will make it's money because as was shown, people out there LOVE simple minded dumb shit action films with little dialogue and character development. They just wanna see COOL SHIT.
so it'll make money , and i'll be forced to take my girl
sigh... -
And Blade 2 sucked. Sorry. But there it is.
-
Why do most action movies have to be so cheesy nowadays? You can have action and FX and still be an intelligent film that doesn't insult the audience. Even ones with a far out premise like Van Helsing. The two aren't mutually exlusive. And Troma movies suck. It doesn't take any budget at all to have half way decent acting and writing.
-
'I've never called "PLANT!" before...
...but that positive review would give Swamp Thing a boner.' Crackula
Instant classic. -
Apr 23, 2004 9:51:57 AM CDT
Sounds like Stephen Sommers's got himself a crap-a-thon. Hugh Ja
by screenplaywriter
I mean from the trailers this looks like a great action-packed, popcorn-infested movie, but because of these reviews I'm believing I really don't want to see this movie. I mean Harry was way off on "THE PUNISHER", way, WAY OFF. That movie had intelligence, action, sympathy, hilarity, and comic-book movie written all over it. Idk...Maybe this reviews are just a ploy to make people not see the film (which it is doing, maybe not.) Maybe this film is what Universal has been looking to go to the bank with ever since "HULK" didn't prove too well, along with "2 Fast 2 Furious." I just thought from the trailers this looked awesome except Dracula looked even more fruitier than he did in "BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA." I mean Gary Oldman ruled that movie after he lost the ridiculous wig that looked like he over-shampooed his head. The Wolfman scenes looked awesome and I think if they just did a remake of the Wolfman with using the CGI here, but also using some animatronics I think Stephen could've just used that as his next film instead. And I thought Hugh Jackman could've had another winner, instead of zinger, but then maybe that tells him he needs to move onto another film franchise (a.k.a. James Bond)
And hey maybe Kate Beckingsale should just run away from films, or go star in a romantic comedy, or stick to "UNDERWORLD" or some other lump of dung, but I hope and pray this movie gets better of reviews so that it'll least be halfway decent to see, but hey maybe I should just stop rambling on and just go see the movie when it comes out and see what I think because that's what a good movie-goer does. -
Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Gummo, and Zeppo. Look it up...
-
Apr 23, 2004 10:05:56 AM CDT
The positive review was a plant. However the two negative review
by bill maher
For anyone who doesn't have Downs Syndrome, it's obvious that Van Helsing is just a campy, silly movie that doesn't take itself seriously at all -like The Mummy or the Adam West Batman. Now a lot of 400-pound virgins have been goofed on for so long that they can't laugh at themselves and they take everything way too seriously. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke! And if Van Helsing is unintentionally hilarious like Showgirls or Steven Seagal movies, so much the better.
-
holy best name ever :)
-
Apr 23, 2004 10:06:44 AM CDT
This Flcik Will Only Make Money Because NBC/Universal Is Going T
by genro
...then it will drop by 60% the next weekend...Sommers is more suited for nonsense like Flash Gordon, he has no business being involved with the Classic Universal Monsters because he really doesn't give a shit about them...
-
Summers made The Mummy, which was awesome. Of course he also made Mummy Retruns, and that sucked. Deep Rising also sucked. Hmmm...This guy is one for three.
-
..says it all really doesnt it, think i'll give this one a miss
-
Hey, we all know that Sommers is a talentless turd, and that the Mummies movies were to two greatest piles of pig vomit ever to stain the silver screen. At the same time, they were hugely successful. Because people are idiots. Frenchie may not be a plant - he may just be a moron.
The fact that he's French backs up my theory. These are the people who think Jerry Lewis is a comic genius and showers are a waste of time. Who trust's their opinion? Besides Harry, I mean. -
It looks like someone was watching Moulin Rouge and thought "Good, but it needs more vampires & werewolves". Not that this is a bad thing, and we know Hugh Jackman is big with the musical theater. Maybe this was meant to be a musical? BTW, what's with the animation of Harry shitting a boulder? I know it's supposed to be Chicken Run or something, but come on people!
-
God, this movie looks like a piece of overproduced, CGI-crazy steampunk shit!
-
I swear, the more bad reviews I read, the more I can't wait to see this. Mindless? OK! Campy? OK! Cheesy? OK! With my craptastic job, I could use this escapism.
-
Apr 23, 2004 10:58:09 AM CDT
It's got werewolves and vampires, so Harry should automatically
by iamjacksuserid
-
The "positive review" is written in such industry marketing-speak that it seems obviously a plant. I've never posted before, I've always just been a reader, but I had to register and talkback simply to wonder why they'd post such an obvious sack of BS.
Seriously - look at the way it's written. It's like a NARC trying to fit in with the hip kids. Except we're ...not. -
...he
-
Otherwise I suspect there wouldn't be so many New Line and Sony praise. That being said, the review read like someone who has no idea how to write a review.
-
I have friends who saw screenings this week and said the movie was bad.
-
Apr 23, 2004 11:17:03 AM CDT
Hell, I cringe every fucking time I see in the commercials the
by wardog
That's got to be the STUPIDEST FUCKING STUNT I have seen in a fantasy movie in decades. Sommers added a lot of great things to The Mummy Returns, but also a lot of shit and revisions which made no goddamned sense. He must be the WORST WRITER/DIRECTOR in Hollywood. Thanks for the reviews, guys. I may still go see it with some friends who really want to, but I am NOT encouraged. They're too easy to entertain; whereas I hate wasting my time on bullshit and bad acting.
-
My cactus. It needs sunlight and a little bit of water to survive. Man, I wonder if anyone else knows that about cactuses.
-
especially taking into account Stephen Sommers other flicks which I thought were pure, regurgitated crap. Even from the beginning this looked bad and the trailers just verified it. This is just more mindless, over-blown, over-hyped Hollywood crap and I guess it'll be fine for the under 12 summer movie going crowd, but as for me, I'll just save my 10 bucks for something a bit more worthy. And as far as the Dracula Brides thing goes, NO ONE can ever beat Coppola's topless-Monica Bellucci-vision of them.
-
Apr 23, 2004 11:36:57 AM CDT
What, "Van Helsing" = dog vomit? Now, isn't that surprising!
by salvatoregravano
Almost as surprising as learning that the Superman flick made by that Charlie's Angels shitbag is awful, that Jonathansomething's Punisher is awful, and that Pitofrog's Catwoman is awful.
-
FEH. complete feh. this movie looks like absolute shit. jackman fighting vampires and monsters. beckinsale playing another vampire character. WTF? cut the shit guys. really. leave the vampire shit to the japanese animation studios and let's get some serious shit here in the us.
-
Apr 23, 2004 11:42:35 AM CDT
BTW, http://www.pavefrance.com/blog/ should add the above "revie
by salvatoregravano
Reason #598532: "The French liked the VAN HELSING flick"
-
Apr 23, 2004 11:55:17 AM CDT
The other two reviewers have posted on the talkbacks but the Tro
by the real mccoy
Seriously though. If Mr. Frenchie is not a plant, I challenge him to defend himself on this talkback. Oh yeah, and I just watched a screening of Mean Girls. That movie isn't half bad for a chick flick. Lindsay Lohan has quite the large rack.
-
...the most incompetent director in the west beside Roland Emmerich. Ah forget it, there's no death penalty in Germany, fuck!
But I think I know what's going on: THEY WANT TO DESTROY HOLLYWOOD!
And that's why you all should praise them.
-
The atmosphere in the trailer, the chick with the outrageous accent and massive cleavage suggested that they were aiming for a Hammer flick. Ending up with a Troma kind of falls a little short of that goal.
-
Reading that third review totally made me flash back....basic plot of Hollywood Ending: Woody Allen plays a director who goes psychosomatically blind and continues to direct his movie, which predictably bombs at US box offices, ***spoiler*** only to be released to rave reviews in France, with some calling his film the best thing to come out of Hollywood in years. Crazy Frenchies.
-
What other movie can boast a jet-ski chase through the corridors of an abandoned ocean liner? None I tell you! Maybe if Titanic would have had a jet-ski chase, it might have made some coin and not ruined Jim Cameron's career. I mean, shit, the guy hasn't worked since. (I don't count IMAX because it sucks). Van Helsing looks like it will be about as good as Van Wilder. LXG anyone?
-
Seems it has gore for adults and plot for children/retards.
-
Apr 23, 2004 12:23:09 PM CDT
THIS LOOKS LIKE IT WILL BE A HUGE CGI INFESTED TURD. SOMMERS MO
by goon bighead
-
funniest thing i've seen all year.
-
More like downhill beginning with Deep Rising.
Seriously, everyone saying the positive is a PLANT, but the negatives are GOSPEL.......yeah, right. No one would ever fake a negative review right? LOL. -
Gummo, who only performed with them in vaudeville and never made it into the movies. He'd usually get the part of the bully/heavy who terrorizes Harpo. But you're right, Zeppo gets no respect.
-
I don't know if this movie is any good or not. I haven't seen it, so I won't judge it until I do... if I do. But it sure as hell LOOKS like shit. I cannot believe that anyone would actually WANT to see this thing based on any of the trailers out there. The snippet where Jackman flips around in the air with two pistols to fire at a Wolfman leaping after him caused me to lower my head in shame... and then follow it with hysterical laughter. It's no surpirse that in later versions of trailers, that scene is cut down enough as to not allow potential audience members to dwell on the awfulness of that one shot. But, like I said, I won't judge it. For all I know it could be a goddamned masterpiece with a shitty CG werewolf. But I doubt it. It's probably a shitty movie with a shitty CG werewolf. More garbage that we've seen before in other peices of garbage like Blade II and Underworld.
-
Who unaccountably wandered into some plum directing gigs.
-
Apr 23, 2004 12:44:29 PM CDT
Figures that the only positive review would come from a Troma in
by durendal
I can guess what this movie would be like if it was like a big budget Troma film: Lots of blood and guts, awful acting, and a monstrous amount of corn that'll make the audience shit yellow corncobs for a month. If I go to see this movie, it's gonna be with a bunch of friends. Sounds like the next Vertical Limit: A nonstop MST3Kfest!
-
F**king Scoocby Shit arseholes! Cock their head and fuck their eyes. East holiday sucks because little kiddy winks end up in a theatre screwing Simon Pegg and co. out of a well deserved No.1 spot! BASTARDS! America stopping filming shite!
-
I'm telling I think this movie is going to suck. The CG looks like Spider Man crap fake nonsense. I just think the movie is going to be like the Mummy or something like that. Just my opinion. Still, I'll be there opening day. By the way, Harry was right- Punisher sucked. Oh, and let me reiterate that Kill Bill Vol.2 was oh so good. Instant classic. I can't wait to see it for a 3rd time.
-
I believe there were 5 (not 4) Marx Brothers: Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo, Gummo.
-
This is a mixed bag. Maybe good if I trun my brain off!
"2" 6/30/04
Kerry 2004 -
Apr 23, 2004 1:13:12 PM CDT
Could Van Helsing contain more unintentional humor than this tal
by stan the bat
You guys crack me up. "Dude- this movie will suck- they should have made it more like Blade 2." "Dude- Blade 2 was a pile- it was nowhere near as good as Hellboy." "Dude- Hellboy sucked- the CGI was even worse than the Spiderman 2 trailer." "Dude- the Spiderman 2 trailer is an undisputed masterpiece of American cinema..." It's like listening to a bunch of people (who think they sound like restaurant critics) arguing about whether Burger King food is better than McDonald's. Folks, if that's what you're having for lunch, then lay down your $1.99 and eat your tiny hamburger, but don't lose all perspective.
-
Anybody that compares Stephen Sommers to Peter Jackson, Sam Raimi, and Guillermo Del Toro has lost all credibility. The man doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as one of their bowel movements. The Mummy movies could have been decent but were complete crap because of the lame campiness and Van Helsing looks to be no different. I truly hate campiness more than anything. It's what hacks in Hollywood do when they don't have the talent to make something either truly funny or truly dramatic. Camp disguises bad writing, bad acting, and utter cheesiness as something that is supposed to be bad and cheesy and therefore allows people to wink at it and say "it doesn't take itself seriously". Stephen Sommers has truly mastered the art of merging camp, cheese, and crappy effects into a colorful package that dupes the average schmo into thinking they saw something fun until they really think about how intellectually insulting this shit is. Oh well, the best ride at Universal Studios in Orlando is based on The Mummy so at least some good came from it. Perhaps Van Helsing will be as lucky.
-
Apr 23, 2004 1:26:43 PM CDT
I'll ask you not to lump the Three Stooges in with the Marx Brot
by pardon_my_zinger
The Marx Brothers were still-unmatched genius comedic satire, anarchy for people who think. The Three Stooges were three idiots hitting each other. Painful - but not funny (btw Marx fans - if you didn't already know, nearly all of their later, post-Zeppo movies are finally being release on DVD Tuesday May 4th. Check Amazon)
-
Is there really any need to differentiate between a plant and a dumb, dirty French bastard? A coerced vapid review of a horrible film versus a self-inspired one? I think not.
-
That French guy with the positive review is not a plant... he is just a smelly, unshaven Frenchman, sweating in a wifebeater and smoking at a laptop trying to screw with Americans... "Zee stupid f*ckeen American sink I am 'le legume'." (Gutteral laugh) "Zay are such ass'oles!"
-
Apr 23, 2004 2:09:24 PM CDT
What the hell??? "I have to admit amongst my group of three othe
by big dumb ape
Sorry, but VAN HELSING leads of the summer blockbuster season and as a big fan of the Universal monsters I'm not taking anyone's word on this until I see it for myself. Then again, I would think most people as movie fans would feel that way anyway -- I mean, it's fine that AICN posts assorted "reviews" from fans, but it's not like the SAME people do it over and over and over so you get a sense of their tastes or review skills. So ANY negative or positive review I just take with a grain of salt. I can think of too many movies where people have said "It's great!" and it was a total shitfest, and conversely plenty where someone say "It blows!" and the movie turned out to be more than fine for simply getting out of the house and taking in a movie for a night out. Summer is when I have the most fun at the movies and I was never expecting VAN HELSING to be some sort of artsy story/acting laden drudge that cried out "Oscar seeker." All it's ever appeared to me is to be another Stephen Somers popcorn film ala DEEP RISING or the 2 MUMMY films, all of which I enjoyed. On the flip side, I see in this thread that "With Regards TH" takes claim for the second review but I love that he rags on the movie yet in the very same review casually tosses off that 3 of his friends apparently LIKED it. So 3 out of 4 liked it? I'd be more interested in that case in hearing THEIR reviews to at least contrast against his. Or "With Regards" since I figure you'll see my post here, why don't you add a post why 3 out of 4 DID like it or at least found it acceptable for a night out...
-
I don't understand what the hell is wrong with you assholes. How anyone can hate the Matrix films so much is beyond me. I guess its the undying attempt for angry nerds to try and be different so people like them. Anywho, in that first review its said that the effects are better than that "bad" Smith fight. If thats true, then Van Helsing will own ass. Leave the Matrix alone, fags.
-
Apr 23, 2004 2:22:18 PM CDT
fuck van helsing, fuck shaun of the dead, fuck the terminal, fuc
by zombiejesus666
fuck van helsing, fuck shaun of the dead, fuck the terminal, fuck hellboy twice, and fuck everything else: aicn hypes shitty movies
-
I like how he tries to throw us off with "I am French". Bullshit. Sommers would have gotten much better reviews if Josie Maran were naked during the whole picture.
-
...As soon as I heard the guy from "The Mummy" was doing this film I knew I'd be never seeing "Van Helsing". Both the Mummy movies sucked so horribly. And so does Harry for giving props to the most obvious plant review ever.
-
... you forget to take your meds or what?
-
Apr 23, 2004 3:23:15 PM CDT
yeah, whoever was asking for the reviews of the 3 friends has lo
by illegit
Come on, the very reason your average automaton won't write a review is the very same reason they like the worthless movie to begin with. Here's their review: "I liked it cause i could sit down, turn off my brain/ emotions/etc., let the images go in my eye and directly out my anus, and 2 hours later leave completely unaffected in any way, just grateful I wasn't engaged or challenged". Voila. That's the breakdown of any positive review you could possibly locate for this hunk of shit.
-
And the french invented the french kiss, which is gooood. So lay off. Heh maybe I should quit drinking so early.
-
Apr 23, 2004 3:48:01 PM CDT
OH GOD, Harry is schilling for another bad movie, anyone surpris
by chillzatl
We've heard nothing but bad shit about this movie... NOTHING BUT BAD SHIT.
But leave it to Harry to say that he believes the ONLY GOOD REVIEW ON THE INTERNET....
I wonder what he gets in kickbacks for being a schill for these shitfest movies...
OMG what was that? yes, harry knowles credibility flying out the window....again. -
Apr 23, 2004 3:57:53 PM CDT
I just saw the punisher, Harry's review is fucken CRIMINAL
by rcamacho2278
I swear his review made the Punisher make it seem like it was the worst shit to hit theatres this year. What a fucken MORONIC review, I mean I can practically see him sending a copy of that review to quentin tarantino with the Subject
"This should help you get #1 box office"
I SWEAR TO FUCKEN GOD that is HOW IT WENT DOWN cuz when you see the punisher, it's NOT THAT BAD!!!!!
-
IS THAT THE SO-CALLED POSITIVE REVIEW TRASHES THIS MOVIE MORE THAN ANY NEGATIVE REVIEW EVER COULD! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A TROMA FILM IT'S THE 4AM CINAMAX SPECIALTY!!! THE FACT THAT THIS IS A 200 MILLION DOLLAR TROMA FILM IS HILARIOUS THE ONLY REASON TO SEE THIS IS FOR UNINTENTIONAL LAUGHS. THE BOMB OF THE YEAR. UNFROUTUNATELY...TROMA CAN BE FUN BECAUSE THEY'RE MADE ON A BUDGET OF ABOUT 100K. SAD.
-
[i]"For anyone who doesn't have Downs Syndrome, it's obvious that Van Helsing is just a campy, silly movie that doesn't take itself seriously at all -like The Mummy or the Adam West Batman."[/i]
Yeah which is why it is obvious that I won't be paying to see this fudge packed CGI piece of shit! -
Apr 23, 2004 4:19:37 PM CDT
Stewie Griffin is right about Monica Bellucci's knockers in Copp
by bill maher
Shemp was funnier than the Marx Bros, ASSHOLE! Joe Besser was funnier than those douchebags. =-=-=-=-=- Monica Bellucci's tit shot in Dracula made my Topless Ten list. Of course, Mel Gibson and the Wajackoffski Brothers are hacks who lick camel cock, so they didn't have her get naked.
-
Not Punisher. It is a piece of shit, and what's it clocking in at over at Rottentomatoes? Like 25%, about? I doubt 75% of working critics have any personal vendetta to help Tarantino succeed.
-
Apr 23, 2004 4:22:46 PM CDT
And which is why you have comic store nerd-nuts on your chin.
by bill maher
First some putz knocks the Stooges, now a worthless little fag is trying to put down the Adam West Batman -THE ONLY REAL BATMAN EVER MADE! Did they give retards the day off or something?
-
...but it is easy for motherfuckers like you to hide behind a fake ID and a talkback. If you have some real balls, you will reply personally (and son't act like you don't know how) and we can settle this on an intellectual scale or I can get "nigger" on you. Your call.
-
Universal, if you're going to hire a plant to write to AICN, please make it less obvious than 'Frenchy's' review. The guy isn't even French. If he was French, he would have seen how bad the movie was, saw that Troy was coming out the next week and just surrendered box office dominance right on the spot, waving his white flag in the air. This movie may actually set a record for biggest second week drop, because Troy comes out the next week, and that movie will own the rest of the month.
-
Apr 23, 2004 4:45:41 PM CDT
"I tend to believe the good review" ?? WTF?? Is it because Kill
by man w no name
Harry, the biggest, fattest plant out of them all. Feeding on choice cow shit fertilizer.
-
Karl.
-
Apr 23, 2004 4:55:22 PM CDT
We shall see... at least it doesn't look as pretentious or fake
by braine
-
I mean, there's probably more groundlings familar with that game than people who actually recall Van Hesling as being a vampire hunter in a 10 year old movie/100 year old book. I'll go see this, but I fully expect shit because Mummy Returns was shit but successful which always equals more shit. (Like how everyone bashes Batman & Robin. Yes, it was shit, but only because Batman Forever was successful shit. Why doesn't anyone rip on that shit-spawning turd? Because it had Jim Carrey?) At the very least this movie HAS to be better than Underworld. Right? How could it NOT be???
-
So Hmm..Let's see what do I have to do? Ok Hate everything committed to film except for my handpicked list of say 20 or so movies released in the entire history of cinema? Check. Have my list of about 3 movies that haven't been released yet that I would consider worthy enough for me to look forward to? Check. If anyone gets a review posted on this site of any movie that is NOT one of my handpicked 3 movies and the review is positive, call them a plant relentlessly because ONLY plants can like garbage that I hate right? Check. Have my rapier wit,motherload of cynicism, and hatred of everybody who doesn't share my opinion on my 20 movies released and 3 movies upcoming ready at all times for any post? Check. Total obsession for actresses in every industry( especially porn) and constantly fantasize about fucking them repeatedly while in actuality I would have no idea on how to please a real life woman( which scare me therefore I have no interest in them )?Check and double Check.
Awesome! I can be the coolest of the cool Talkbackers Now! Watch me use my talents on this movie! Van Helsing is going to blow fucking dog tits. I know this because I hate Steven Sommers. That positive french guy must have been sucking the studios dick for money for he's an OBVIOUS plant. All those people who liked Van Helsing obviously are mentally retarded and should get clymidia of the eyesocket. It certainly won't ever touch my beloved Lord of The Rings because that movie had something called What? Oh yes, AN ACTUAL REASON TO EXIST. I'd totally fuck Kate Beckinsale though. I'd go see this total and complete aborted fetus if they only would show her skeeter tits for 45 minutes. I'd like to split open Steven Sommer's face lengthwise, urinate on it, and step on it repeatedly with straw sandals because the Hagakure said the skin would come off.
Yay! I'm a REAL Talkbacker now!
-
I even think I sat to the right of the guy hitting himself in the head with his water bottle. Is it a perfect film.. Uhhhh... No not even close but does it suck Donkey Dick as some have posted .. no thats not right either. The French Poster is closer to the truth than most of the negitive reviews I have seen on this site. it really is a lot like a big budget Troma film. Lots of cuts, but not in an MTV kind of way. The acting can only be described as passible at best. Richard Roxburgh chews more scenery than any of the werewolves could have hoped to in a month let loose in the woods. Kate Beckinsale is still hot and always seems to look better in some kind of leather, but is much better off speaking as little as possible. Jackman was fine as the hero. But this was never going to be Shakespear, it is what it is big time popcorn movie. Its great to look, its funny, and at some points even a bit scary. Was it as good as those old Abbot and Castello movies on WPIX on sundays? Yeah and no but it stands as a pretty good opening to the big buget summer season. What more do you want from it?
-
Stephen Sommers...the worst Director in Hollywood?? Possibly, I dunno, is Uwe Boll technically working out of Hollywood? How 'bout Paul W.S. Anderson? No, Sommers has him beat, but Uwe Boll is definitely the worst thing to happen to the film industry since Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
-
My friend went and saw Van Hellsing and said it blows. He's usually incredibly accurate in pinpointing the crap movies from the greats. After reading some positive reviews Harry gave to some of the worst movies, I think I'm going to stay miles away from this crapfest.
-
Te quiero meter la verga por el culo y despues llenarte la cara con mecos mamasita...SALUD Amigos!
-
There's something, I don't know, a bad vibe, a gut feeling that this movie might suck. I am only going to see it because of Kate. I'm gonna catch the last show on a Wednesday night so I can see it with my pants down. Oh Kate! I would like to...translate obove post...CHEERS Amigos!
-
Those of you out there whining about how Harry's gotta be on Universal's payroll because he believes the "good" review are a bunch of fucking morons. If Harry really was shilling for Universal, don't you think they would expect the posting of only good reviews? Do you really think that these reviews and the subsequent talkback are good publicity for this movie? There is something seriously wrong with you people. I was at the screening last night and I've got bad news for you assholes-- it's going to be a big fucking hit and all the pissing and moaning from you nasty little shits ain't gonna change that one bit.
-
Hello to all in the movie world, my name is James Brown, and I love it in those flicks when someones big head gets crushed or they have their nuts smashed with a fucking hammer by some lunatic who holds a chainsaw, why doesn't he just use the chainsaw is he tired of it or does he just feel like its hammer time, sometimes I feel like its drinking time, like right now. So this movie is like those movies? Is that what people are saying, cause this has all these boogeymans in it and some pretty boy white dude with long hair and a hat, if I go to this thing then I am going to the Miracle theater on Grand and I am bringing plenty of High Lifes and porn, cause you never know.
-
Keep up the good work. You nailed it.
-
It's pretty much a unanimous opinion around here that Van Helsing looks to be campy, infested with BAD CG work, banal dialogue, and a train wreck of a plot, but anyone who thinks that this movie will not make $100 million in its first two weeks of release is kidding himself. The masses are going to eat this up just like they did The Mummy and The Mummy Returns if for no other reason than their perception of it as the first big movie of the summer. Everyone here might proclaim it the worst big release since Battlefield Earth, but that won't stop it from destroying every other movie at the box office on opening weekend.
-
Apr 23, 2004 7:59:07 PM CDT
Nintendo, why did you call Halle Berry a whore? Have you analyz
by kon-el
That's just mean.
Oh, and deal with things that pertain to you, like society at large. Don't waste attention and energy on an incestuous culture that celebrates itself. -
You can't trash this film, and then embrace the CG in the Spider-Man 2 trailer. I watched that trailer for the first time, last night, and what they showed appeared even more cartoonish and unnatural than some of the shots in the first film, two years ago. Yes, I think CG creations should look better than they do, and I hate to ever cut Hollywood any slack for the crap they consistently put out. But, the general public doesn't seem to care about how the CG looks in movies. And, I'm reaching a point where I don't care about CG, anymore, either. The number one problem with movies, these days, is story. It's rare that I get caught up in a good story, anymore, because almost no one writes them. I'll gladly sacrifice natural-looking CG-work for a good story. VAN HELSING may or may not have one, but I'd rather save my ire for a bad story than bad special effects.
-
...fucken' talkbackers.
-
I mean come on.... there is like now way Harry actually thinks that "postive" review is well-written and informative. Clearly he's just playing a joke on your asses because of all the shit you guys have been talking about him and you guys are all dumb enough to fall for it. "I like its cause its like a 200 million TROMA movie"... give me a fucking break. good one Harry.
-
Enough said!!!
-
The Marx Brothers are to the Stooges what George Carlin is to Carrot Top. One is for the thinking person and one is for the crowd that doesn't want to bother with the thought process. Besser funnier than the Marx Brothers? Moronic statements like that prove the point. Moe didn't even want Besser in the Stooges. Columbia had him under contract and Moe was forced to take him on because Columbia told him what to do. The Stooges where a business owned by the studio. And you little kiddies that are crying about Van Helsing's look being stolen from Vampire Hunter D don't seem to realize that Mr. D's look was stolen from Solomon Kane. Read a little and do some research before you start pointing fingers. Boy Howdy!
-
Apr 23, 2004 11:16:40 PM CDT
From the number of posts here, there's a lot of interest in this
by frankdrebin
Anyhow, it's too bad that Sommers got diverted from that "Clash Of The Titans" thing he wanted to do (the golden fleece is found, and it's a gateway to Mount Olympus, where some adventurers meet mythological creatures). Oh, and #3's a plant, no question about it.
-
....is that so many people on this site actually believe that the general cinema going public gives a fuck about what some fuckwit nerd here thinks about the latest popcorn flick(of course,they haven`t seen it yet,but that`s not important).They just casually view the papers to see whats on that weekend.AICN has no bearing on B.O figures,so whining about a movie because it doesn`t fit into your neat list of"classic"film types(even though,again,you`ve never seen them,you just follow the sheep and quote from a set of titles fed to you!).The public don`t give a toss about the geeks who only show emotion when a)Their favourite comic book is being made into a film or (b)They pretend their life is over when some obscure actor they only heard of when Harry`s mentioned `em on here,dies!Come on,how many have you have REALLY watched Casablanca,Gone With The Wind,Nosferatu etc?Not many,I bet.So shut up whining about simple,pure,ENTERTAINMENT,no-one can hear you scream....
-
Apr 23, 2004 11:28:03 PM CDT
for 200 million Troma would Provide 400 Films, sex an a lifetime
by pobblenotoes
Really.
I'd rather watch 400 Troma films in the hope that one might actually be amusing than a single Van Helsing.
And Spending $400m on a Film when people are starving to death is evil. Not immoral or some such other euphemism. But EVIL. WRONG. BAD.
Cheap films are, obviously, Good.
Van Helsing, Being Good, Should be cheap. -
SCRATCH THIS ONE OFF THE LIST!!!
-
"And hey maybe Kate Beckingsale should just run away from films, or go star in a romantic comedy, or stick to "UNDERWORLD" or some other lump of dung" ***** The rumor I've heard is that she's been cast as the female lead in The Da Vinci Code.
-
Anybody that works for Troma should be beaten to death with fucking big sticks.
-
Every one of you bastards is going to love Van Helsing in 20 years, just like you love that campy schlock from the 80's. When you're in your late 40s-early 50s, you'll be playing VH on your holoplayers while pulling cheese puffs from your beards and wiping the crumbs off of your lemonade stained shirts. Some of you will even see fit to hook up your GeniStimulators and turn them up to level 10 whenever the brides are onscreen. A lovely fucking vision of the future...
-
Apr 24, 2004 2:31:09 AM CDT
Worst visual effects since the 1,000 agent smiths battle in matr
by eyegore
What a retarded statement. I can almost understand how some people dislike matrix2 and feel pity for you, but that particular visual effects scene was a modern masterpiece, comparable only to LOTR. I get so sick of you simpson's comic-guy-esque morons making your moronic proclamations of worst ever crap. You say Attack of the Clones had terrible FX! What are you on crack?? Mega space crack?? How can get your head that far up your ass to warp your perceptions so far from the truth? I thought people's problem with the matrix sequals was the story. Once you start dissing the effects as well you need to just sit down and STFU because you are clearly retarded and in no position to judge anything.
-
Hey Americans (and Brits)--GET OVER IT. And that Jerry Lewis line is so old it should have been retired a long time ago. Perhaps the French do have an odd affinity for Jerry Lewis and Mickey Rourke, but they also championed Alfred Hitchcock, Orson Welles and Samuel Fuller WAY before American film scholars truly appreciated their work. There are MANY others directors you can say this about. Why the fuck do you think Film Noir is called Film NOIR? Because the French recognized it first as art and gave the genre a name, whereas American studios were putting these films out as B-Movies and didn't hold them in high esteem. Take a look back at international cinema over the years, and you will see more great films out of France than any other country (besides the U.S., which unfortunately puts out a lot of shit as well). Perhaps they haven't been as good in recent years, but you still have people like Jeunet, Gaspar Noe, Daniel Ateuil, Leos Carax and others doing quality work. Before you slam French film tastes, try spending a summer there and see how many theatres are showing old films EVERY DAY. See the retrospectives of 10 different directors going on consecutively. See the mayor declare all showings of all films at all theatres for 3 Euros one weekend. These people LOVE film, more than anyone else in the world.
-
Some of these people are like villagers with torches and pitch forks.
This film might be good or it might be lame but its nothing to put the house on is it?.
-
Apr 24, 2004 8:03:25 AM CDT
What to make of this?? Well, I love the audience fun of 'The Mum
by theginger twit
-
Did you happen to notice the French guy didn't sound French, or at least his grammar and spelling, etc. wasn't too bad? I think saying he was French was a tipoff - think about the French appreciation of Jerry Lewis humor. Also think about how we American's despise the French arrogance. He's not a plant, he's a troll trying to incite us Talk Backers!
-
Apr 24, 2004 10:23:25 AM CDT
Eyegore-- while the FX shots in LOTR and Matrix 2 were amazing--
by dr. death
I hated every minute of that movie.
-
Is going to blow chunks. Don't get me wrong, she's a very hot girl but her choice of scripts are simply abysmal - Pearl Harbor, Underworld and now Van Helsing - need I say more.It doesn't help that she can't act to save her life, and she's now been typecast as the 'gothbabe'. As for Stephen Sommers - what a hack! The Mommy movies were simply laughable, and I'm starting to wonder whether he and Paul W.S Anderson are long lost brothers....
-
1. Matrix Reloaded and Attack of the Clones had some of the best FX ever. Say what you will about the plot, dialogue, etc, but the awesome visuals CANNOT be denied. 2. Has anyone given an opinion of Van Helsing that it isn't deliberately contradicting Harry's opinion. Is it good or not? - leave out the "I hate Harry" stuff, cause that bandwagon is getting tired. 3. Why do people respond to Nintendo's posts? He just says that crap for attention. Look, he's made me talk about him now! No!
-
interchangeable with Jennifer Garner. They're basically the same person. It would be nice to have both of them in my bed at the same time.
-
Universal has a dog on their hands. It will make a bank of money though. The Mummy was pretty terrible and look how it did. It looks like crap but I'll wait till I see it in October, on dvd.
-
I caught Van Helsing in an LA test screening about 2 weeks ago.
Here -
the wachowskis for superman, i mean look at the Neo/Smith fight at the end of Matrix 3
-
Apr 24, 2004 4:01:20 PM CDT
Is the irony lost that the only positive review is from a FRENCH
by sgt. black
That says it all.
-
Why aren't I surprised that the reviewer doing the same-old slam-Hollywood-for-its-money schtick is French? Sure, they probably made a good move staying out of the Iraq war, but when they started pointing the finger at the U.S. with accusations of "greed" and stuff like that, it was downright laughable. Normandy Beach, anyone? Why do people who have no money think they can slam people that do and STILL think they should get all the jobs when, newsflash, it's the people WITH money who CREATE JOBS!
Anyway, this reviewer goes on to talk about how Hollywood blockbusters care more about money than their audience, which is kind of ridiculous to say because if their audience doesn't like the movie, then the studios aren't going to make much money, now are they?
I'm a beginning indie filmmaker (beginning in every sense of the word) with no money myself, but I am so tired of jealous little wannabes slamming the big studios just because they have more money to play with. A small budget doesn't make a movie good, and most low-budget movies I've seen and even more that I've heard about seem to be ALL dialogue, sarcasm and / or brooding along with being filled with ungrateful, spineless young characters who do nothing but complain and make fun of each other, and almost NO sign of a story, and a story takes real skill to tell well. If I'm wrong in my OVERALL generalization of low-budget movies, I don't particularly care. I'm fairly uninitiated when it comes to being a viewer of a lot of independent, low-budget films (they're not one-in-the-same, by the way), but I the kind of image these guys wind up projecting and most of the time, it rubs me the wrong way and makes me embarrassed to admit I want to be an independent filmmaker.
Then again, I guess that's my problem, just like the French person's jealousy of filmmakers with money is HIS / HER PROBLEM!
-
Saw them all, have them all, LOVE them all. Now my turn... I look at my DVD shelf, and I ask thee: have YOU seen "Ashes and Diamonds", "The Cabinet of Dr Caligari", "Knife in the Water", "M"?
-
There goes this guy's credibility...
-
Damn right you people. Matrix rules no matter what anyone says (Revolutions being the best) and the CGI is by far the best I have seen in ANY movie (with the exception of the awesome CG in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy). And to Nintendo, shut the fuck up, and go play the Gaycube of your namesake. Cheerio.
-
Apr 24, 2004 6:51:48 PM CDT
#1 Selling Point: Kate Beckinsale looks GORGEOUS. That's it. Sto
by jackburton2003
-
on the subject of CG nonsense, one of the most pathetic examples is Hulk and Matrix:Revolutions, if you wanna be precise. i hated AOTC too (not as much as PM) but the CG was not too over the top. i think of Daredevil and flinch, even now. oh and if you wanna see a movie that the scrumptious Beckinsale is halfway decent in (ie, she has minimal lines to botch and some other great actors carry the load) watch Much Ado About Nothing. it's Shakespeare with Branagh, Emma Thompson, Denzel, Keaton, and, well, keanureevesbutyoucanjustforgetabouthimsoignorethispart.
pax -
Apr 24, 2004 8:50:55 PM CDT
People who bash the French are big fat fags,but Lazarus Long is
by bill maher
-
Apr 24, 2004 9:12:54 PM CDT
People who bash the French are big fat fags,but Lazarus Long is
by bill maher
Were it not for the frogs, we Americans would still be oppressed by the British: We'd have to pay taxes, allow government stooges to enter our homes without a warrant, be deprived of life/ liberty/ property without due process. That's why I'm proud to be an American. I don't have to pay taxes, or be hassled by yhe government... WAIT JUST A GODDAMNED MINUTE! Compared to the shit we have to put up with now, George III doesn't look so bad. At least British kings (unlike the Bush family) go three generations before insanity and retardation set in. Fuck. At least we don't listen to Robbie "how much more can I steal from John Barry?" Williams. Thank the French for that, or you're not a good American. =-=-=-=-=- Not to say the frogs aren't without fault. Their "intellectuals" (from the French word for bullshit artist) make up crank theories that American retards believe and repeat to the boredom of those with at least double-digit IQs who know horseshit by the smell. It was a frog professor who started the industry of denying the Nazi Holocaust. Another frog invented "postmodernism", which told students that there's no such thing as facts ot truth and that instead of actually reading a book, they could pretend to learn all the important info from the one-paragraph bio on the dust jacket, then go smoke some weed. Then there was the idea that the "director as auteur" theory of moviemaking. David Selznick, Jack Warner and Louis Mayer would be amused that all the directors they hired (usually someone's brother-in-law) were the creative force in their movies. Then some crack-addled frog claimed that the dark, shadowy look of B-movie thrillers was the mark of true artistry -"FILM NOIR"! Actually, this is bullshit. Studio heads demanded that B-movies cost as little as possible and one way to pinch pennies was to cut off every light that wasn't absolutely necessary. Mayer used to actually send people out to the sets and shut off the lights. "film noir", like the "auteur" theory, postmodernism and denying the Nazi Holocaust are just a bunch of shit that French fuckwads make up to see how many stupid Americans will buy into it. It's just a big joke.
-
And none of them would ever fucking say "support this movie, because this is the type of movie we should be supporting". AND, if there ever were a frenchy bastard with enough nuts to stroll down to hells kitchen and work at TROMA he would promptly get his ass handed to him By Trent Haaga or Lloyd Kauffman. ANd you fucktards posting the political shit need to lay off. Nobody cares about your Neocon/Liberal, Nascar/NPR, Beer/Latte crap here. The talkback is supposed to be about fanboys acting superior and holier than thou while talking about movies. Not fooking politics.
-
No, no PLANTs of any kind here.
-
THEY LIKE JERRY LEWIS AND DON'T SHAVE THEIR ARMPITS!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!!!!!!!!!! P.S. I LIKE DICK
-
You think the average American is any more intelligent? The average American is a drooling moron/sheep who is easily led by the collar.
-
The French would have their asses handed to them by whom? The jackasses who dress up in costumes and dance outside of the AFM every year? I'M RICK JAMES BITCH!!!!!!!!!!
-
I think you have a future at the studios SON! You're absolutely right! The studios care VERY MUCH about their audience. The audience for studio tentpoles are morons. Endless focus groups and NRG screenings help them tailor movies to appeal to the widest group of morons - heaven help middle America if they had to think about what a movie meant. Keep up the good work making average shit bitch!!!
-
Apr 25, 2004 3:17:17 AM CDT
this film will be shite. and that good review is a plant. end of
by thethingfromthes
-
First of all, the auteur theory isn't even debatable. Make no mistake--artists like Hitchcock, Kubrick, Welles, John Ford, even John Carpenter are "auteurs" because they leave their own recognizable, personal stamp on each film they make. You could say that about Michael Bay too, I guess, but auteur refers to directors making good movies. It's interesting that Welles was quoted as having trashed Michael Curtiz (something about being the exception to the auteur theory), director of such greats as Casablanca and the Adventures of Robin Hood. But he's right, because there's no visual or thematic link between his films. As for film noir, yes, budget cuts made the atmosphere common with that genre. However, it was how certain directors USED that atmosphere that brought attention to film noir. You watch Touch of Evil and tell me that's not done for artistic effect. Also, films like The Third Man or Odd Man Out weren't done under some Hollywood studio stranglehold and were doing the same thing. When you talk about hired gun hacks for the studios, you forget that these guys were still allowed to get a lot of artistic leeway, sometimes without being noticed. In his brilliant documentary My Personal Journey Through American Movies, Martin Scorsese talks about the director as "smuggler", where one would subtlely slip many things under the noses of not only the censors, but the studio bosses themselves. Some of the most personal, artistic films have come from directors who rarely initiated a particular project. Go look at the filmography of Vincente Minnelli or Fritz Lang (his American work) and tell me those guys aren't expressing themselves more than most studio hires are able to these days.
-
About half of you armchair critics that are bashing 'Van Helsing' will go see it within two weeks of its release.
-
Welles, Kubrick and other "auteurs" are also the writers and producers of their movies, or use the same partners over and over. Some have a distinctive look, but this is mostly the DP -unless the director is himself a super-DP like Ridley Scott. In the old days (when the "auteur" bullshit theory started) the screenwriter decided how the scene would be shot down to who would get what closeups and at what angle. The DP was allowed to make changes only if the shot didn't work and the "auteur" thanked his brother-in-law for finding him a job. There's a reason Tony Scott and Michael Bay movies look alike -they're working for Bruckheimer! When people ramble on about how the director is the creative force behind a movie, they remind me of my art teachers who went on and on about how Rembrandt's paintings are so distinctive because of the golden-hued light that appears in so many of them and the golden light was Rembrandt's signature and his love of sunlight, blah, blah, blah... Of course, there was no golden light, just layer after layer of varnish applied over the last 300 years. These people are bullshit artists.
-
So Hertz, you're saying Hitchcock isn't an auteur? Ever read the book of interviews Francois Truffaut conducted with him? You'll see how Truffaut uncovers all the threads prevalent through the work. And while Hitch may have selected many of his projects, he didn't write ANY of them. You can say the same thing about Spielberg, and despite the problems I have with many of his films, he IS an auteur. You've completely ignored my mention of Minnelli as well, who is one of the most repected of all studio "hacks". Watch Some Came Running, The Cobweb, Two Weeks In Another Town, The Clock, Bad and the Beautiful., Meet Me In St, Louis. Tell me the man isn't the driving artistic force behind those films. You DO have a valid point, because directors of great films like Victor Fleming, Michael Curtiz, George Cukor, and maybe even John Huston (who did initiate his own projects) aren't auteurs in the true sense. It's not like the Franch canonized every single director. They just elevated some people who stood out from the journeymen, including Anthony Mann and Nicholas Ray. To say that there's no basis for these claims disregards writings and studies by many scholars, critics, and other filmmakers.
-
Apr 25, 2004 5:49:56 PM CDT
"I can understand the complaints about little character developm
by waylayer
There was character development in Hellboy?! *friendswithbenefits.com*
-
ADMIT IT: When u saw MUMMY 2 in theaters you were having fun! This looks like it will knock MUMMY 2 down because it looks like this will have a much better story, a character who will become an action classic, and more. BRING ON VAN HELSING 5!
-
DAMN! that sucked ;(
-
Apr 26, 2004 12:45:40 AM CDT
But Hitchcock DID produce and had his writers who did as he told
by bill maher
I look at it like this: In the NFL, there are several different approaches to managing a team. For example, in Green Bay, Mike Sherman is the head coach and GM and personnel director. The owners (the city of Green Bay) leave him to do his thing. In Kansas City, the owner (Lamar Hunt) allows the GM (Carl Peterson) full control while Dick Vermeil is the coach. In Dallas, Jerry Jones is the owner and GM while Bill Parcells is the coach. And of course, Oakland has been owned and managed and ghost-coached by Al Davis for forty-plus years. George Halas owned, managed, coached and played for the Chicago Bears back in the 1920s. These different arrangements have arguments for and against them. But even the dumbest sportswriters (and sportswriters are below the civilized norm for human intelligence) know better than to give the puppet, er coach of the Raiders much credit or blame for how the team does. It's Al Davis' show all the way. They also know better than to give the city of Green Bay, WI credit or blame for the fortunes of the Packers. But thanks to the auteur nonsense, we have ignorant critics writing about Michael Bay's "technique", which is identical to Tony Scott's because they're both Jerry Bruckheimer's henchmen and are interchangeable with each other and a dozen others. Yes there are a few directors who have a distinctive style, but in most cases, it's the work of the editors and/ or cinematographers -not the director. I'm just amused that so many brothers-in-law are being given credit for being the creative force in movies. It's just like Rembrandt's Varnish.
-
If you like Troma films someone should take a greasy dump in your mouth
-
WOW...OMG I cannot believe they even considered making this movie the way they did. Van Helsing is SUCH a bad ass character in bram stokers dracula. They should of made it LIKE that. Fuck these gay ass high tech weapons he has. Good ole stake and cross works for me. Count me out on seeing this. I'll see this movie MAYBE when it hits TNT on tv.
-
Damn, can you please stop the American/French thing? We don't care, I only mentioned I was french to excuse my poor language.
And I am not a plant!
And, yes, the CGI aren't the best I've ever seen, but who cares if there not perfect? Sometimes, it seamed to me in purpose, like to let you have the feeling of watching an old movie with obvious special effects (let's say a Ray Harryhausen special effect : you know it's a special effect, but do you really care? Does it make you enjoy the movie less?) That's the type of special effects in that movie. Some of them are not great, but they do the job. And some of them are really great, and you don't even realize you're watching CGI.
And about the unrealistic parts, don't forget you're watching an action/fantasy/horror MOVIE. Don't you like seeing impossible stunts in movies? Especially in a fantasy movie! So you're like: OK, I don't have any problem believing in the monster of Frankestein, made of body parts and whose life whas given with just electricity, but seeing an improbable stunt really annoys me!
Don't forget why these types of movies are made (and why you watch them): bringing to you adventure and incredible things you'll never see in real life.
When I see that kind of movies, that's what I expect, and Van Helsing blew me away because it gave me more than I could have expected.
That's all for now, but i'm open to any question.
And the Jerry Lewis thing about frenchies is really weird. I mean, Americans believe we love him, but the fact is that it's David Hasselhoff that whe love. Or maybe it's just me. But I've heard Germans love him. Did you know that David Hasselhoff has released music records? -
May 05, 2004 11:10:12 PM CDT
YOU GUYS ARE PATHETIC NIPPLE NUZZLERS WHO NEED TO GROW UP AND NO
by kon-el
What's your problems? Every time this man writes a positive review each one of you degenerates into a rabid child. Why do you feel the need to insult him? Has he molested a child? Insulted your mothers? Burned a cross? Well, what is it? He enjoyed a film? A film that several of you have yet to see? But it must be terrible because Harry liked it. Leave this man alone and let him enjoy his movie! I can understand criticizing him for reviewing and promoting the work of his friends, but to debase a man out of envy and spite? Come on. We're all better than that. Be sensible. Be decent. Try to think with reason before you ejaculate such venom. Just try to be a little nicer. Please.
-
I can't understand the hostility against this movie. Most of the people ranting against it haven't even seen it. Haven't you people figured out yet that CGI always looks worse in the trailers than in the actual film? Character development? This isn't "Beaches", it's an action/horror/sc-fi flick. From what I've gathered reading the posts here, the only cool movies are either ones that have been recognized at Sundance or ones that cater to true geeks. My problem is that I'm not trendy enough to appreciate art films, but I'm not a NASCAR dad either. I fall somewhere in between. I hate the Stooges, but love Troma films. I thoroughly enjoyed all three LOTR pics, but the Punisher is my new fave. Some of you folks need to grow up and realize that there are people out in the real world with more varied tastes.
Readers Talkback
User Login
Top Talkbacks
- Whitney Houston 1963 - 2012 -- 419 total posts 209 posts
- WTF HOLLYWOOD: SOLARBABIES -- 131 total posts 129 posts
- Herc’s Seen Tonight’s Return Of THE WALKING DEAD!! Discuss Also DOWNTON ABBEY, FEAR FACTOR, PAN AM, ONCE, SIMPSONS, DYNAMITE, LUCK, SHAMELESS, BAIT CAR, THE GRAMMYS And More!! Sunday Is Sweeps Day 11!! -- 123 total posts 122 posts
- New JUDGE DREDD post production footage pops up -- 124 total posts 58 posts
- There's a STAR TREK video game that is going to lead into JJ's STAR TREK 2 apparently... -- 191 total posts 47 posts
- Avid Comic Reader Hercules Does Battle With Tedium During Kevin Smith’s COMIC BOOK MEN! -- 43 total posts 43 posts
- If the Behind the Scenes Pics of the Day drops her pen, pick it up, but don’t look at her legs or else it will be on your record. -- 60 total posts 42 posts
- I am The Behind the Scenes Pics of the Day! No, I’m the Behind the Scenes Pic of the Day! -- 27 total posts 27 posts
- To Commemorate The 3D Release Of STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE, George Lucas Wants You To Know...Greedo Shoots First!! -- 506 total posts 26 posts
- HANNA's Saoirse Ronan to boss around seven little people -- 77 total posts 24 posts