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Mr. Beaks
Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
I’ve been out of town for the last week, so it’s nice to return and find the mailbox full of all sorts of goodies. Too bad I couldn’t sneak into tonight’s VAN HELSING screening with Beaks, but at least he has a full report for us. Doesn’t sound too optimistic, either...
THIS COLUMN HAS NO NAME, BUT IF IT DID IT WOULDN’T BE “NOTES FROM THE HOLLYWOOD UNDERGROUND” BECAUSE THAT’S PRETENTIOUS AND MISLEADING, VOL. 2
Sorry for missing last week. I’ve been wracked with guilt over letting y’all down. Of course, I received a missive from Yolanda excoriating me for my thoughtless dereliction, which I won’t reprint here as I suspect it might include hidden signals to Al Qaeda sleeper cells. These are dangerous times, and I am a very cautious, if deeply sexy man. I will, however, share with you this email from Producer and Hotelier Merv Griffin:
Dear Mr. Beaks,
When I said Mark Goodson could “suck my dick” the other day at lunch, I didn’t mean it in a faggy way. I think you understood that, but I just want to be sure. See you Wednesday night for poker. I hope my money is still good after last week’s unfortunate debacle. (Seriously, I’ve been gambling for most of my life, and I’ve never *once* come light to the table. Honest.)
Bro’s Before Ho’s,
M.G.
I thought that was sweet of him. Anyway, on with the show. WHITE ON WHITE
Being a rebel in a small town situated on a barren Icelandic fjord is a lot of wasted energy, a fact that tragically eludes the titular young albino in Dagur Kari’s modestly quirky coming-of-age tale, NOI. But it’s hard to blame the kid for acting out, especially when his father’s a feckless drunk prone to warbling “In the Ghetto”, his grandmother’s idea of an alarm clock is firing off a rifle out of his bedroom window, the landscape has the soul-deadening consistency of his skin pigmentation, and there isn’t an attractive girl in sight.
Fortunately for Noi (played to understated, smartass perfection by Tomas Lemarquis), prospects have suddenly improved in that last regard with the arrival of Iris (Elin Hansdottir), the attractive niece of the village’s curmudgeonly bookseller. Iris is from the city, which, in any rural vernacular, is another way of saying “trouble”, and Noi sees in her a kindred restless spirit. But Noi is still dissatisfied with his icebound lot; he yearns to quit the fjord for the drastically sunnier climes of Hawaii, which he gazes at through the lens of a viewfinder. Getting out, however, is the trick, and it’s highly unlikely that his academic record will afford him a chance to attend university. So Noi rages futilely – shooting out icicles hanging from a nearby mountain, firing rocks at a far-off rainbow (in an unsubtle symbolic _expression of revolt), and generally pissing off everyone around him, friend or foe.
NOI is a pretty nifty deadpan comedy until its jarring, straight-outta-Hawthorne final twist, which is by turns heartbreaking and darkly amusing. Kari, one of a number of emerging Icelandic filmmakers, is a confident visual storyteller with a nice sense of the absurd (I loved the bookseller’s “New York Fucking City” T-shirt), and, even in the cataclysmic finale, he’s careful not to overreach or fall back on the genre’s more cloyingly sappy clichés. Though he’s working against an oppressively bleak canvas (ably shot by Rasmus Videbaek), the tone is consistently light and engaging.
But Kari’s most valuable asset is newcomer Lemarquis, whose sardonic inexpressiveness is a perfect complement to the snowy milieu. He anchors the film with a conspiratorial charm, easily winning over the audience’s affections as he rages against this frozen void. Also excellent is Throstur Leo Gunnarsson as his alcoholic father, who is obviously the sad sack Noi will become if he fails to escape the fjord.
Granted, April 9th is a crowded weekend, but for those with a taste for the offbeat, NOI is well worth seeking out. It’s already playing in New York City, and starts Friday in Los Angeles. BURYING THE LEAD, AND EXHUMING MONSTERS
It’s possible that Stephen Sommers’s has crafted the biggest, loudest, most action-packed summer spectacle of all time with VAN HELSING, but it’s for absolute certain that he has delivered the most relentlessly assaultive major studio tentpole flick since his own THE MUMMY RETURNS. From reel one to reel one-too-many, the movie piles on one set-piece after another with little regard to pacing or narrative coherency, stranding the viewer in lots of wild situations with poorly developed characters. The result is a film of epic tedium that never quiets down enough to allow for a proper nap.
As we’ve learned from the Warner Brothers BATMAN misfires, a preponderance of villains tends to overwhelm the protagonist, but that hasn’t stopped Sommers from dangling Universal’s horror library upside down and shaking out every last icon. Dracula, Frankenstein, the Werewolf… we’re but a Mummy and a Gill Man short of a Bobby “Boris” Pickett novelty hit. Sadly, Sommers hasn’t really bothered to invent a reason to bring these fellers together. The plot has Hugh Jackman’s Gabriel Van Helsing stomping off to Transylvania so that he can protect Anna Valerious, the last living heir of a family sworn to, um… protecting the world from evil. In other words, he’s protecting the protector because she’s a fucking skirt. Works for me. The last thing you need is evil incarnate protecting you from evil incarnate.
I’m being smug. That’s not really the whole picture. You see, there’s also been an uptick in devilry because Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) is hankerin’ to fuck his three voluptuous wives silly (you would, too, if they were Josie Maran, Silvia Colloca and the adorable Elena Anaya) in order to create a whole bunch of Baby Vampires that’ll fly around at night, bite the shit out of people, and probably give him the inside track to ruling the world. Oh, and he needs Frankenstein’s monster to shock these beasties out of their viscous sacs because… well, because.
It’s a shame that VAN HELSING is such a stinker. It actually comes roaring out of the gate rather thrillingly with a black-and-white prologue that revels in the tropes of the classic Universal monster movies, right down to turning the studio’s globe into the head of a flaming torch carried by an angry villager. But if Sommers truly loves these old movies, he doesn’t seem to have much affection for his assembled icons. Though the werewolf ends up figuring into the story rather crucially, the creature’s lore is pretty much tossed off; he’s just there for the marketing campaign. Frankenstein’s monster, while the most sympathetic of the trio, is given a poorly explained obsession with Christianity that winds up being little more than a cudgel-over-noggin symbol for his spiritual struggle. Underutilized actor Shuler Hensley struggles admirably under a ton of makeup to give the character some emotional depth, but he’s stymied by the script at every turn.
Worst of all, however, is Count Dracula, who Sommers has inexplicably imagined as a loudmouthed boob with fuzzily-conceived plans for world domination. Still, no matter how ineptly written the character, there can be no excuse for Roxburgh’s portrayal, which is probably the most heinous crime ever perpetrated on Bram Stoker’s beloved creation. He’s awful throughout, thundering out his lines like some third-rate community theater ham essaying Lear. Drunk. And possibly concussed from a tumble backstage. I mean, I’ve generally enjoyed Roxburgh’s work in the past, but this is an embarrassment, and he’s not helped by Sommers’s predilection for extreme close-ups that summon up the satiric specter of Dr. Evil.
To be fair, VAN HELSING isn’t as bad as THE MUMMY RETURNS; there’s one genuinely exciting action sequence concerning a runaway horse-drawn carriage that briefly jolts the film to life. Also, I found myself getting at least a smidgen involved in the grand finale, though I found myself tiring of the constant swooping and plummeting in which our heroes engage. (Seriously, there’s probably a drinking game to be created around the never-ending swooping and plummeting in this movie.) And while the f/x aren’t seamless, they’re a marked improvement from THE MUMMY RETURNS, with Dracula’s transformation and an ape-like Mr. Hyde standing out. The less said about the werewolf f/x in this movie, the better. (I should also note that the f/x weren’t complete in this print, but the stuff I’m singling out looked locked-in to me.)
It’s telling that Sommers’s most enjoyable film to date is also his least expensive, DEEP RISING. That film had a similar recklessness in its pacing, but it also knew when to pull back and let the audience get to know its characters. For all of my harsh criticisms, I really do think Sommers is a solid pulp filmmaker; he just needs to get back to storytelling basics and lay off the spectacle. Unfortunately, a huge opening weekend for VAN HELSING is inevitable, which, despite a probable sixty percent second week drop, will probably give way to a sequel (according to an LA TIMES article this week, there are also a few spin-offs planned). And, really, who could blame Sommers for proceeding with the same enervating methodology using the box office returns as proof of a job well done? CLOSING TIME
There’s scads more that I could be writing about tonight, but I’ve got a PINK PANTHER box set that needs reviewin’ for The DVD Journal, along with the recently arrived “Bootiest Edition” of BOOTY CALL that’s just aching for a spin. Keep your eyes peeled for a contest involving signed copies of Mike Judge and Don Hertzfeldt’s THE ANIMATION SHOW DVD, a review of KILL BILL in full, and interviews with Guy Maddin and Mark McKinney for THE SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD.
Faithfully submitted,
Mr. BeaksI was at the same KILL BILL VOL. 2 screening that Beaks was, and I’ll have my review up immediately. In the meantime, good stuff, and thanks for the read, buddy.
"Moriarty" out.
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well one can only hope this movie delivers a little more than the mummy returns, but i still think spidey 2 will take some beating.
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am i the only one reading these "stories" any more? getting kinda lonely out here.... sort a like WAITING FOR GODOT... someone tell a Hulk Hogan joke..
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Geese, I was rather looking forward to this. Ah well, it sounded good on paper at any rate. Universal is once again proving that they haven't got a clue anymore. Remember the dreadful marketing of "Peter Pan," which sent that fine film straight to boxoffice ho-hum? However, this film will certainly make lots and lots of $$$$ - that's all. Oh, by the way, I do believe I'm first.
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Maybe I'll like this too--although the bad news about Dracula hurts. I hate the look they've given him, and the performance described is exactly how I feared it would be. How the hell do you RUIN Dracula? Francis Ford Coppola tried, but Gary Oldman still owned in that movie. That guy from the early 90s TV show "Dracula" would have been better than the sniveling Duke from Moulin Rouge!
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You people are indeed fast! I retract my earlier statement on being first. And another thing - isn't Kate B's accent absolutley ridiculous in this film?
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... the vibrations from Robert Louis Stephenson's gravebound revolutions are keeping the fine residents of Edinburgh awake at night...
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Seriously, you've supplanted Moriarty and Quint. You haven't steered me towards any ridiculous fanboy shit yet.
It's too bad about Van Helsing tho. Despite my better instincts, I was hoping that this movie would be decent. -
"Hellboy" was great at times, and shit at other times. Hopefully, "Van Helsing" will be more consistent, although from Beaks' review, it doesn't sound like it. Oh, well...bring on "Sprider-Man 2"!
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... please tell me that the vampire baby's don't become a reality at the end and swarm our heroes like the those pygmie creatures in The Mummy Returns. Those things were second only in suckitude to the CGI "The Rock" torso on a CGI scorpion body at the end. I'm pretty sure that was the worst CGI I've ever seen in a movie since that folding helicopter in Escape From L.A. And as another TB'er said on another thread, in this day and age where the quality of CGI can make awesomeness like Gollum a reality, why we are still getting movies with CGI that's only slightly better than a PS2 game. Especially one that cost like 200 million. Did the paycheck go all to Hugh Jackman? Heck, HELLBOY only cost 60 million and those Sammael creatures were amazing! I'm going to make myself swallow the bad CGI in this VH movie by viewing it as an live action anime with over-the-top/extreme cartoony monster design just because I love stuff like Castlevania and Vampire Hunter D which this obviously steals from in look and style. Still... The Mummy Returns had cool sets and matte paiting/CGI vistas of old and newer Egypt. Hopefully VH has similar.
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Apr 09, 2004 9:36:42 AM CDT
We don't need monster slayers (we just had 7 years of Buffy and
by frankdrebin
Godzilla movies, but using American monsters. And not like UNDERWORLD (vampires and werewolves shooting at each other--dullsville).
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She is so unbelievably hot, it hurts just to think about her. ... as for sommers, I'll stand by the original "Mummy." I thought that was great fun. "Mummy Returns" was an unbelievable bore, with a few good one-liners and some ridiculous stuff, i.e., Brendan Fraser OUTRACING THE SUN to save Rachel Weisz. "Returns" was a bloated, overlong mess in which he tried to pack as much crap in it as he could at the expense of good storytelling. Sounds like he's gone the same route. A shame.
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Better luck next time.
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...with ridiculous effects and Jerry Goldsmith's light, though still great-as-usual score. Too bad Sommers's other flicks look like dog's vomit. As for his "Gabriel" (gee, Gabriel Knight?) Van Helsing, I'll happily rewatch any minute of "Transylvania 6-5000" over this.
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Apr 09, 2004 10:29:18 AM CDT
rachel weisz's acting in the Mummy was worse than any ol' CGI
by half vader
Hey IamLegless, one of the main reasons the Rock CGI sucked and looked so videogamey was that they had NO TIME to do it. Same with that balloon looking like a rock wrapped in paper. The morons in marketing thought they were brilliant to make the movie come out on EXACTLY the SAME date as the first flick. Wow! The dates match up! Genius! OF course no-one but a suit/marketing exec gives a flying fuck about anal shit like that. I bet they go "Keeeeewwl!" when their trip meter ticks over to a bunch of zeros. So of course the upshot was that ILM had nowhere near the time they needed to do the work properly.
______________Sometimes it just comes down to marketing morons. BTW, The main reason they're not using Harlan Ellison's I, Robot script has bugger-all to do with creativity and lots to do with suits. The Ellison draft was at Warners (correct me here if I'm wrong) all those years ago, and the new version is at Fox. Fox isn't gonna pay Warners out for an old script when the original book rights aren't even with them anymore. Besides which the Fox version started as Hard Wired by Jeff Vintar and I, Robot was grafted onto that.___________Yeah it's boring and stupid but that sort of thing happens all the time and can be as simple as Star A. doesn't like producer B. or vice-versa.____________________As for bad CGI, most of you stupid young fucks grew up with it and wouldn't know lousy traditional effects (of which there were heaps) if their wobbly animatronic jaws bit you on the arse. The more things change... -
I wasn't talking about you at the end there, Legless. Just wanted to make that clear. I was aiming it at all the martians who thought that "Old School" Yoda was a real live alien and had perfect lip-sync. I love the little green fucker too but come-ON.
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Man i wanted this to work. it just sounded cool. fighting the classic movie monsters. but i kinda liked the mummy movies so who knows what i'll think of this one. who wants to see another mummy sans the rock and shitty fx
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The sad part is I'll probably still go see it, but not until well after the first weekend. Bad CGI is really worse than anything.
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it's obvious
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They screen movies to people because they actually want real, non studio talking-head opinions, and then some jackass [Mr. Beaks] sends in a review from a screening where theres supposed to be confidentiality. It'll be a sad, sad day when this fanboyd laden site is gushing over Troy and Spider-man 2.
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Any movie that features Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, AND the Wolfman is absolutely pointless without including Abbot & Costello too. "Hey Bud, stop breat'in' down my neck. [reaches his hand over his shoulder, feel's the Wolfman's face] And when's da last time you shaved? Hu-wooo!" [from across the dark room] "I ain't breat'in' down your neck, Lou, now shut up and look for those monsters! Van Helsing needs our help!" "But if you ain't... [feeling up the Wolfman's face, who keeps standing there stoically] Then who... The wha... [finally turns all the way around] WHHOOAAA! [rapidly lifts hat up and down by brim with both hands, quickly about faces] HE-E-E-EY, ABBO-O-O-O-O-T!" [sprints face-first into Frankenstein's Monster's chest] ...I got yer summer tentpole, right here, Universal.
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Is it completely no go or what?
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I do rule!
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Yep, he hated it and he said "fuck." His story checks out.
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Apr 09, 2004 2:35:16 PM CDT
all you need to make a movie is kate beckinsale and some vampire
by cornstalkwalker
god is she getting typecast.
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Thats some funny stuff, Trav McGee. Fond memories from my childhood.
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the biggest, loudest, most action-packed summer spectacle of all time"
Van Helsing, on theaters NOW -
I never drink... Wine, Brother.
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Apr 09, 2004 6:32:37 PM CDT
Actually, Neill Cumpston = best review at this site. Beaks is 2n
by johnnybluejeans
Harry and Mori are 35th and 42nd, respectively
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Apr 09, 2004 7:44:49 PM CDT
Since there's still no FF talkback yet, here's a link to a scrip
by frankdrebin
http://www.latinoreview.com/scriptreviews/fantasticfour/script-review.html Basically, they turned him into Gideon, the sleazy businessman from FF34. No longer a monarch, or a gypsy, or a sorcerer. But he now owns the Baxter Building. And Alicia Masters is a goth barfly. Why, Avi Arad, why?!
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I saw a screening of this last night. I actually thought it was cool. Hugh Jackman is enough to get me through a couple of hours of franchise romping. Roxburgh's Dracula was excellent. The downside I thought was the preponderance of CG. Not that it was bad (certainly not on the scale of the Scorpion King) but that there was so goddamn MUCH of it. And by the end I had a strong sense of monster over-kill (pardon the pun). But I have to say it scooted along and was fun. I'm sure it will make the powers that be a gazillion dollars. Just it it goes to sequel I realllllly hope this director lets go of his obsession with CGI.
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And I think it's all been rolling downhill ever since; I moderately enjoyed the first Mummy, really disliked the second. It really does seem like the more money he has, the less inventive he becomes. He just falls back on bigger special effects and wilder action sequences. Maybe he needs to pull a Schumacher, and make a couple of little low-budgets pieces to get his mojo back. He certainly needs to do something.
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Worst. Die Another Day Iceberg Parachute surf.
Best other than the stuff you don't even register, Hulk. The whole tank/cluster bomb sequence. -
Apr 10, 2004 7:33:19 AM CDT
Thanks, Nintendo. I didn't know that only blacks are allowed to
by frankdrebin
I drop a "g" to sound informal and you pitch a fit, with special guest appearances by Jesus, Hitler & Bush. How did you arrive at your diagnosis that I'm insecure? And why did you assume that I was trying to sound like a black man? You're saying erudite=white and colloqial=black? Well, if we're going to follow your rule that each race sticks to it's own list of words, then you'll have to prove that you're Asian to keep using "Nintendo".
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Apr 10, 2004 8:43:52 AM CDT
'Poorly developed characters' is a pretty silly objection to hav
by stan the bat
...I mean, which character had you hoped to see developed more fully- Dracula, Frankenstein's monster, or the Wolfman? "I know Godzilla is supposed to be angry about pollution, but I didn't feel I understood his motivation as he destroyed the buildings. Now, if the character had been more fully developed..."
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HAs anyone seen the Hellsing anime? Im mean the DVDs are extortionate but its definately worth a look, i loved them
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Apr 10, 2004 6:53:30 PM CDT
"It's better to buy the entire series on 1 or 2 DVDs than a fanc
by iamlegolas
In other words, put your money down for a bootleg. Good idea! (sarcasm)
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OF COURSE! I just can't understand that some of you seem to have expected something different...
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Gary oldman fucking owned in Dracula, and he is most definately the best dracula to date. Bram Stokers Drac could have been a perfect fucking 10 movie if it hadn't been for the horrible performances if Keanue Reeves, Winona Ryder, and the "actress" that played Lucy. Those three bring the movie down to a 6 1/5 unfortunately. and yes, fuck christopher lee.
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Well, everyone has an asshole... no, assholes are like... ah, fuck it. Opinions suck, don't they?
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But I'm not the standard hater. I'm going in with eyes wide open. I've seen too many raves on this site that sucked and too many pans that I liked.
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Who the fuck is "Hilter"? And since when is someone's name a pronoun? .......... and I'm all about the bush.
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are both at opposite ends of the spectrum. Mummy 1 is ok, a bit overacted at times, especially brendan fraser, especially when he salutes the dead guy in the sand and u just have to look around the room with a grin on your face and eyes kinda like jack nicholson in the shinning (ssh! Ya wanna get sued?!?) because its that bad. But at times it was great as a mindless action movie, and nothing more. I like it, and rank it in my top 50 at least. Mummy 2 however....well as a fan of the Rock, i was pumped to see it, only to be extremely disappointed to find he had about 2 minutes of screen time (i dont count the abomination of cgi at the end) and it went by too quickly and i wanted to kill that little fuck who played brendan fraser jr but at least the two main chicks were hot in it and there was a bikini knife fight...always good. But mummy 2 is just a big mess, which im happy to say i dont own. anyway, back on topic, i thought van helsing looked quite good. i might see it, but ill just get drunk beforehand and think its pre-weapon X/claws wolverine kickin suckulas ass. Big boobs.
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LemmiWinks, I haven't even seen the movie yet, but it sounds like that analogy is pretty spot on. At any rate, it was funny enough to make me want to put it in the subject line...
Too bad if this movie sucks as much ass as is claimed here. Between this and the abortion that is "The Punisher", our upcoming action flick prospects are growing dimmer. Thank God for Kill Bill 2. -
would of been a much better deal.
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