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A Less-Than-Stellar Review For AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS!!

Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...

Yikes.

Hi Harry,

I'm a long time reader of the site and now, a first time poster.

I recently had the scarring experience of seeing 'Around the World in 80 days'. It wasn't a screening - let's just say I 'happened' upon a copy of it. Sorry i can't be more descriptive but i have a job to keep! Anyway the film had some unfinished effects but otherwise it was pretty much completed.

It stars Steve Coogan ('24 Hour Party People') and Jackie (The Man) Chan as well as a pile of cameos from anybody and everybody.

The story doesn't exactly follow Verne's book but what did you expect? Phileas Fogg (Steve Coogan) inventor and adventurer, makes a bet with the evil moustache twirling Lord Kelvin (Jim Broadbent) who is the Chairman of the Royal Geographic society - that he and his loyal manservant Passepartout(Chan) can travel around the world within 80 days. Unbeknown to Fogg, Passepartout has actually just robbed the Bank of England and has stolen a precious Jade Buddha and the law is out for his ass.

Turns out, this Jade Buddha is actually a precious idol that sits in pride of place in his beloved village back home in China and needs to be returned to restore fortune, peace and love (and the general happy clappy shit) back to the village. (Sankara stones anyone?) So Passepartout decides to use Fogg's bet to get back home to China as quickly as he possibly can.

So off Fogg and Passepartout go, meeting a saucy, (although utterly superfluous) french lass in the process named Monique (Cecile De France)who accompanies them on their journey. They meet Prince Hapi (Arnold Schwarzenegger???) a narcissistic Turkish prince who attempts to keep Monique as his wife. Coogan and Chan do the best they can with what they have - but sadly with this script, they never stood a chance.

Just seeing Arnold's wig is enough to condemn this film's negative to some deep sea vault. With the exception of John Wayne's cameo in 'The greatest story ever told' - Arnold's is the worst. It is magnificent in its shitness. Although he was quite convincing as a monstrous narcissist who hits on defenceless women....(ok, cheap shot!)

Owen and Luke Wilson pop up later on in the film being laconic and improvising a lot (Wow! that's fresh!) John Cleese gives a one line cameo as a wacky policeman, Mark (Full Monty) Addy does a turn, Maci Gray appears in a non speaking role (?) & 'Waterboy' alumni Kathy Bates and Rob Schneider drift past the cameras in an attempt to stir up audience interest. Sadly not even Jesus drifting past the camera would save this film.

This ultra expensive abortion is directed by Frank Coraci (Waterboy, The Wedding Singer) and frankly he should be fucked and burnt for what amounts to 90 minutes of utter rubbish. It's not funny, it's not a good adventure, it's not remotely engaging on any level. The script is apallingly predictable and it'll probably do really well at the U.S box office.

Harry - if you decide to use this review, call me 'Brundlefly'

cheers

Half-man, half-fly, all irritated by what sounds like a bloated mess. Of course, this is just one opinion, but that trailer didn’t exactly fill me with confidence. Guess we’ll have to wait and see...

"Moriarty" out.





Readers Talkback
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  • March 16, 2004, 9:20 p.m. CST

    FUCK THIS -- IT'S ALL ABOUT DAWN OF THE DEAD!

    by Dwayne Benzy

    Who wants to watch a pair of fucking Victorian faggots fly around in a balloon when you could be watching the undead rip the shit out of people, munching on their flesh and tearing their guts out? Fuck yeah! This movie will be the fucking shiznit. Fuck 80 days, it's obviously going to be a pile of shit.

  • March 16, 2004, 9:34 p.m. CST

    surprise of the century... this film is crap!

    by jackburtonlives

    jackie chan playing an 19th century french butler ? brilliant... arnie as a turkish prince? why not call this flick MASKED AND ANONYMOUS 2 ?

  • March 16, 2004, 9:48 p.m. CST

    GAME OVER FOR AROUND THE WORLD

    by hollermonkey

    AT LAST AN HONEST REVIEW! At least this is not a plant. If any suit tries to plant something you'll end up like this wanker. http://www.slushfactory.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2921&perpage=20&pagenumber=1

  • March 16, 2004, 10:10 p.m. CST

    rat race anyone.......

    by jedielf

    sorry, just got flashbacks of losing 2 hours of my life..... just got back from starsky and hutch though, too bad that wilson boy has to make appearances in shitty movies..... that kid's GOLD baby, PURE GOLD!

  • March 16, 2004, 10:11 p.m. CST

    Speaking of Zombies

    by tequilaworm

    If you fuck a hot zombie girl, is that Necrophilia??? Hhmmm?...CHEERS Amigos!

  • March 16, 2004, 10:26 p.m. CST

    Around The World In 80 Days is as good as HELLBOY!

    by ABking

    I'm just kidding...relax. I hope this film turns out to be better than the review! Arnie as a turkish prince ha ha...that should be funny to watch. Arnie as a bad ass Nazi ala WITH WINGS AS EAGLES would be the right way to go. Maybe even Arnie as SGT.ROCK or DOC SAVAGE! Having Chan and Arnie in the same film (intended to be a comedy anyways) can't be all that bad. Now if only Stallone had a cameo in '80 DAYS', it would have had a great shot of outgrossing THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST at the box-office...relax, I'm still kidding ha ha.

  • March 16, 2004, 10:39 p.m. CST

    I'm predicting cult status in the vein of Showgirls...

    by CranialLeak

    OK, granted there's no nudity. But if this movie is as bad as the reviewer says it is, I'm a sucker for excruciatingly, shitty cinema like this. Bring it on, bitch!

  • March 16, 2004, 10:48 p.m. CST

    Angry Fly! My theory on that dude - what do you think?

    by FidelioMe

    Is it just me or did that dude who wrote the review seem like the opposite of a "studio plant"? Like someone from another studio who wants everyone to think the movie sucks. Dunno - I've only seen the trailer and thought it looked pretty funny - doesnt seem like you're supposed to take Arnie seriously in a movie like this anyway. I'm looking forward to it but --- Macy Gray?!!!!

  • March 16, 2004, 10:55 p.m. CST

    I'm still waiting for a Jackie Chan Adventures movie.

    by Osmosis Jones

    "One...more...thing!"

  • March 16, 2004, 11:24 p.m. CST

    YAAAWWWWWNnnnn

    by Lion Fire

    So when is Punsiher coming out again?

  • March 16, 2004, 11:37 p.m. CST

    I'd just like to point at you all and say just because a film ge

    by TheGinger Twit

  • March 17, 2004, 12:35 a.m. CST

    People remember the original 1956 movie as some kind of classic,

    by FrankDrebin

    And, believe me, "Maci Gray" and "non-speaking" are words that belong together. (Sorry to be so negative, but I'm bummed about Jackie Chan's downward spiral.)

  • March 17, 2004, 12:57 a.m. CST

    Lame Ass Review!!!

    by MrFinicky

    Guy, you need to tell us WHY you thought the movie sucked. All you told us was the plot and that everything blew. Not very helpful.

  • March 17, 2004, 1:06 a.m. CST

    "Fucked and burnt?" Gold. But...

    by Wesley Snipes

    .. This is a kid's movie. Any guy who says stuff like fucked & burnt and riffs on Ahnie's obnoxious ways is probably way past the target demographic.

  • March 17, 2004, 1:47 a.m. CST

    trailer was shit

    by vekt0r

    shit......not 'the' shit, or the shiznit.

  • March 17, 2004, 2:41 a.m. CST

    CECIL DE FRANCE IS BELGIAN!!!!! NOT FRENCH!!!!

    by Brainz

    ... and if you don't believe me... check out imdb.com

  • March 17, 2004, 3:47 a.m. CST

    When will people get it? jackie chan movies == the suck

    by SG7

    "The Medallion" anyone? The suck.

  • March 17, 2004, 4:18 a.m. CST

    This sounds absolutely fucking brilliant

    by Indiana Clones

    Screw the lot of you

  • March 17, 2004, 4:39 a.m. CST

    PLANT

    by Magic Milkmaid

    This guy is obviously a plant. Ha ha.

  • March 17, 2004, 5:46 a.m. CST

    Maci Gray

    by SoupDragon

    I can live with her being in this, keep her out of Spider-Man 2 and its a fair trade off.

  • March 17, 2004, 6:12 a.m. CST

    Is Cantinflas in this shit also?

    by Spacesheik

    How many times they have to remake this? The best one will always be Mike Todd's ultra epic made in the '50s with Davin Niven. I believe that flick was like 3 hours long and it even had Shirley Maclaine as an Indian Princess. That was a good one, all star cast also, and I don't mean Rob Schneider or Macy Gray quality I mean Frank Sinatra, Trevor Howard etc...I even remember the 80s miniseries with Pierce Brosnan and Eric Idle but that sucked...

  • March 17, 2004, 8:10 a.m. CST

    expected

    by ROBE

    I never expected a great work of art from this movie. Still it might be fun to watch.

  • March 17, 2004, 10:06 a.m. CST

    PLANT

    by Dolmes

    It's someone from an opposing studio COME ON WAKE UP!!! PLANT AHOY

  • March 17, 2004, 11:09 a.m. CST

    Brundlefly, do research before you shoot your mouth off...

    by IAmJacksUserID

    "...it'll probably do really well at the U.S box office." Nice little jab there, wanker. But did you know alot of shitty movies that do NOT do well in the U.S. do much better in the overseas box office? LXG comes directly to mind.

  • March 17, 2004, 11:49 a.m. CST

    All we really want to know is...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...will Steven Seagal's Casey Ryback be foiling the terrorists in the other balloon?

  • March 17, 2004, 1:28 p.m. CST

    Purist

    by Gene_Helpmann

    Surely the animated version with "Willy Fogg" is the definitive version.

  • March 17, 2004, 1:30 p.m. CST

    Sounds like a PLANT...

    by Jeditemple

    From another movie studio.

  • March 17, 2004, 1:30 p.m. CST

    by Gene_Helpmann

    Fogg, I'm the one who made the bet and I know we'll be exactly right on time Fogg is my name and I could play with my life in many ways - that's what they say Here I am Rigadon, I

  • March 17, 2004, 2:37 p.m. CST

    Hollermonkey, take your ad and shove it

    by DansLaLuna

    Up your ass. If I wanted advertisements, I would be watching freaking UPN.

  • March 17, 2004, 3:22 p.m. CST

    All-Star Cast?

    by Jervis Tetch

    The 1956 original may have been boredom-on-ice, but at least it had a real all-star cast: David Niven, Shirley MacLaine and popular Mexican Comedian Cantaflas in lead roles plus about 30 real names, including Frank Sinatra and Ronald Colman and Marlene Dietrich (remember them?) This new one gets Arnold (legitimate star, indeed) the Wilson Bros, Cleese and that's about it. "Wha' happen?" Face it, we can't do all-star casts anymore. Real stars are too expensive. It's like "Rat Race" a few years ago: "Mad, Mad, World" it wasn't.

  • March 17, 2004, 3:50 p.m. CST

    I am plant??

    by Brundlefly

    A plant? moi? Guys believe me this film is a pile of crap - i watched it a few days ago and these were my genuine thoughts. I love Jackie, I worship the fucking ground he walks on in 'Drunken Master 2' or 'police story' - I love Steve Coogan too but this film is not good. And it's certainly not that this is a kids film and that i am not in the target demographic - i've seen plenty of kids films that fucking ruled, this was not one of them. And why would a studio give enough of a shit about what we talkbackers have to say to actually bother to pour shit on a rival studio? Believe me no amount of marketing will save this turkey. Wait and see. I love you all my bastard devil children.

  • March 17, 2004, 4:18 p.m. CST

    Does this reviewer totally miss the fucking POINT of cameos or w

    by minderbinder

    Gee, that's great. Why don't you tell us the punchlines to all the jokes as well? Fucking loser.

  • Not like Gigli though.

  • ...for reviewing an obviously pilfered, unfinished cut of the film, a la "The Hulk." After all, it's only intellectual property if it belongs to an intellectual. Right Mori?

  • March 17, 2004, 8:42 p.m. CST

    PEE WEE GOES ROUND THE WORLD

    by TomVee

    The Niven version is excruciating to sit through. I saw it both in the theater when I was very young and on TV several times years later. It used to run on TV like THE WIZARD OF OZ AND THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. It was an annual TV rite for several years. The way CHRISTMAS STORY is today. It is a lot like THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. Big and noisy, in widescreen and colorful -- and boring as hell. A remake is not the worst idea, but it already was remade several years back for TV, if I am not mistaken. We surely do not need yet another remake. Sounds like straight to video in the U.S.

  • March 17, 2004, 8:48 p.m. CST

    COOGAN'S BLUFF

    by TomVee

    Also, what's up with the lead? We don't know him in the U.S. At all. A nonstar playing the lead in a big-name movie? This must be a no-budget movie.

  • March 17, 2004, 10:54 p.m. CST

    drunken police noon

    by ohiotrespassers

    jackie chan has NEVER! made a good american film, he should go back to HK and make classic, amazing films again, like drunken master 2 or police story. - www.ohiotrespassers.com (urban decay)

  • March 18, 2004, 7:27 a.m. CST

    steve coogan

    by andyrew

    steve coogan is the legend behind the second funniest british sitcom (david brent is the funniest)character of all time "alan partridge" the show ran for 3 series the first being a spoof chat show with alan partridge as the host,in which he failed badly, and the next two series followed the life of alan as he tried to get his life back together, a very funny character he was sometimes funnier then brent. check it out at www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/alanpartridge

  • March 18, 2004, 4:34 p.m. CST

    ah,cantinflas...

    by jaxdad

    ...grimace-inducing proof that comedy is not universal, but yet,still alive in spirit on my spanish language station. fred arnisen in the jackie chan part, now you may be on to something ("ai,de meeeeoooo..."

  • March 18, 2004, 5:32 p.m. CST

    Coogan is not my choice for a leading man

    by Bart of Darkness

    Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge, fair enough. Steve Coogan as Phileas Fogg? Naahh, sorry. And Macey Gray in a non-speaking role, well at least that show some good judgment by someone!