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A pair of VAN HELSING reviews... sadly - they aren't sunshine and roses...
Hey folks, Harry here... See, here we go... the first screening of VAN HELSING and the problem is? Tonal inconsistencies. This was evident from the beginning with the script. The big problem is that Universal is selling the film as a serious badass VAN HELSING flick, and what they're going to deliver is Velveeta. I like Velveeta - I prefer European Cheeses, but the plastic in Velveeta makes it look like a prettier grilled cheese sandwich, though I'm not real sure if there's any real cheese in it. That being said, this is early in the process, though not too early... the film is about a month and a half away, and the pacing concerns and tone issues... it might be too much to get a hold of in the spare amount of time left. And I have to say, Flying Vampire Mini-Babies might be the funniest fucked up movie concept of the year. Btw, Robogeek just asked me why they are Flying Vampire Mini-Babies... if they're smaller than regular Flying Vampire Babies... My thoughts... Maybe they are FLYING VAMPIRE FETUSES! THAT WOULD ROCK BALLS!!! Here ya go, minor spoilers follow...
H Harry,
I’m a long time reader, first time contributor. Tonight I attended what we were told was the first-ever test screening for Van Helsing. I must admit that I have been looking forward to this movie for some time, as monsters plus Hugh Jackman equals about as much of a sure-fire hit as you can get….right? Sorry to disappoint, but this one misses the mark. No real need to recap the story (Van Helsing hunting monsters) so here’s a MINOR SPOILER breakdown of what we saw:
A very promising start with a great black & white sequence that introduces Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster.
A fairly good color introduction to the Wolfman and the heroine Anna (Kate Beckinsale).
An acceptable Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) introduction with him dispatching a pretty lame Jekyll/Hyde.
Are you catching the downward trend here? But I digress, we also have:
Van Helsing swinging around on a trapeze above a costume ball, and no I’m not kidding.
Richard Roxburgh as a really good “human” Dracula – as opposed to the CG Dracula which was rather lame.
Evil midget henchmen – almost as retarded as the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns.
Cool werewolf transformations – check
Cool design for Frankenstein’s monster - check
Three hot vampire brides - check, check and check
Thousands of flying mini-vampire babies – almost as retarded as the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns.
The ending was positively frightful, but unfortunately not the way they wanted. Here’s the MAJOR SPOILER finale:
Frankenstein’s monster swinging on cables around Dracula’s castle for about five minutes.
Anna swinging around on the same cables for a few minutes later – one-handed of course while catching a needle of anti-werewolf juice.
Van Helsing with a mysterious backstory that is never really developed – i.e. Why does he not remember anything from his past? How did he end up at the church that took him in? Apparently Van Helsing knew Dracula back when he was human, does that mean Van Helsing is hundreds of years old too? I just saw the movie yet I have no idea…Major Spoilers - Highlight To Read! MAJOR SPOILERS!
Van Helsing getting bit by a werewolf and then becoming a werewolf himself – the only real twist in the film.
A truly ridiculous post-transformation nude shot of Van Helsing as he holds his dead sort-of-girlfriend – someone please raise the money to put some CG pants on Hugh.
About five minutes of sappy wrap-up with Van Helsing watching Anna and her dead family happily in heaven amid the clouds – almost as retarded as the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns.
To be fair, this was truly a work-in-progress as several major effects sequences were far from finished and the majority of the music was from The Lord of the Rings, so they thankfully still have time to make changes. Still, my advice is to adjust your expectations and you probably won’t get hurt too badly.
If you post this, call me Arizona Jones.
this is all echoed below in this review too...
Hey Harry,
Long time reader, well you know the rest. I just got back from seeing a screening of Universal's upcoming Van Helsing at Arizona Mills 24 in Tempe, Az. Oh and Stephen Sommers was in attendance as well.
I do not want to give too much away, so I'll try to give you the jist without spoilers. First off, the movie starts with a cool raiding scene at a castle by local villagers to kill the dreaded Monster created by Dr.Frankenstein, which by the way is an atmospheric black and white sequence. The rest of the film falls apart from there.
For some reason Van Helsing in the film is supposedly linked to Drac's past and the whole motivation by the character is never really revealed. Their is also a subplot with Kate Beckinsale's brother and father that is barely touched upon. Oh and there is a little sidekick by Faramir from LOTR, which was a cross between C-3PO and the monk from the 5th element.
Basically the movie felt choppy and we were told we were the first audience to ever see this movie. I really think Universal could have had a real gem on their hand if they had the right director. I also felt alot of shots were very reminiscent of Harry Potter and LOTR, hell they even used it as a temp track!I didn't buy the characters, the guy who played Drac was like the poor man's Gary Oldman, the plot is soooo convuluted beyond belief and the ending was extremely cheesy to boot!!
Every actor did the best they could do with the material, but in the end the movie just felt like a cool plane ride that never really got off the ground.
If you use this call me Gonickyourself!!!
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+ Expand All
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never been first before, just had to do it.
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but probably too cheezy in the end. Oh well/ nand yes, first!
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This is going to be shoit.
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It's just gonna be another cheese-fest, sugar-eye Sommers picture after all, huh? My expectations plummeted when I saw that awful weaponry. A ninja-star-crucifix-boomerang POV shot is not exactly what I'd call high art, or even just cool.
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Ah, and what were we expecting
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Then the film'll be a right stinker. Ain't going to stop me from seeing it though.
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Honestly... Seriously though, does anyone actually have the vaguest interest in this film? It's going to be dumb dumb dumb with an over-reliance on piss-poor CGI. Stephen Sommers, you are a hack and I claim my
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Seems like a totally campy fun ride. Whoo! The more they mess it up, the more I'll enjoy it.
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Yeah, he got it right. This movie is going to be mindless fun that will be worth a summer evening in front of the big screen. Worse just makes it all the better. Bring it on. Out.
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God bless the Japanese. I really wanted this movie to accomplish what it set its sites on, but as soon as I saw the trailer I knew it was just going to be a goofy, cheesy camp film. Worse still, not even a GOOD gooft, cheesy camp film. The Hammer films were campy, but more because of a poor budget and not altogether great scripts. So, the actors basically just had to have fun with it. This...abomination had a huge budget. And there's no reason they couldn't have had an excellent script. Of course, when you have some fuckwad talentless piece-of-shit director...well, you know you're basically fucked from the start. It's just going to be painful to watch. And if Hugh Jackman wasn't a given for doing X-Men 3, this movie could singlehandedly ruin his career. But as long as we get one more kickass Wolverine performance out of him, I think most of us will continue to support him and hope he gets cool roles in good movies. Anyway, back to my first comment. The whole collection of classic horror movie monsters will officially be fucked after this film. Sommers had to throw them all in the same steaming pot of shit, so we won't likely see a movie featuring any of these guys again for many years, till everything has died down and someone decides to do a Dracula/Frankenstein/Mummy/Wolfman remake. America botched it. We dropped the ball. We let Sommers take a massive dump on the idea. Fortunately, the Japanese have Vampire Hunter D. And, let's face it, this Van Helsing movie is really just a poor man's Vampire Hunter D/Castlevania movie. It COULD have been everything we ever wanted, but... So, yeah, there's always a chance the Japanese will make a live action Vampire Hunter D movie. And if you've been watching Asian cinema over the last few years, you've seen the leaps and bounds they've made in the art. In the past, I never would have believed them capable of pulling off the effects needed for any heavy FX feature, but today? They could fucking own Hollywood. And, quite frankly, I'd love to see them put out a kickass Vampire Hunter D movie that shames every peanut-clustered turd that's come out of Hollywood over the last few years. I want studios to start saying, "Man...this is an awesome idea...let's give it to the Japanese. We know THEY'RE competent." Made in America is just the kiss of death these days.
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The Mummy Returns was on t.v. the other night, I tried to watch it, but it was such an ordeal to sit through watching the messy acting, the messy cgi, the messy plot....thats what all Stephen Somers movies are MESSY!
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Mar 12, 2004 9:36:45 AM CST
In the words of "STAR WARS"- "I have a bad feeling about this...
by screenplaywriter
Okay, after the seeing the trailer I was very psyched and looking forward to putting this on my 2004 MUST SEE MOVIE LIST. Now, I'm afraid this is turning into one insane, trippy, "oh-my-god will this look good on film, or am I forced to sit through a crapfest of shit."
I mean the werewolf CGI looks super impressive, the vampires and Dracula look like the designs and concepts from Bram Stoker's "DRACULA", and anything with Hugh Jackman is a promising movie, but come on Van Helsing changing into a werewolf, Van Helsing knows Dracula as a human, Van Helsing is a thousand years old. What the hell is that shit?! What is Stephen Sommers doing? Bah, curses! I mean he's done great work such as "Huck Finn", "The Jungle Book", "The Mummy" and it's sub-par sequel "The Mummy Returns", and "Deep Rising" wasn't too bad, although it needed a stronger story, but if Sommers fucks this up than I'm sorry, but I'm trusting him again. I think for a man of his caliber and style who can make good adventure films of the past with blending in new technology, with humor, zany sidekicks, love, and action than why can't you deliver a film that has all that, but exceeds and goes beyond the lengths of what "THE MUMMY" achieved? I think if Sommers was smart he should've just made "THE MUMMY 3" and then gone to Van, but maybe I'm just overreacting and exaggerating things. Who knows maybe the film will be good and be a complete success. Here's hoping it is. -
Mar 12, 2004 9:55:48 AM CST
It's amazing how people pick and choose what's possibly a steami
by kampbell-kid
Nuff said... these worthless innane reviews are passing final judgement over incomplete work that studios shouldn't be showing to huge public screenings with mindless idiots that obviously arn't doing what the studio intended... put out early good word of mouth of the film. I can't believe they let in just anyone into these screenings. I think I need to lower my job standards and get a job at a megaplex theater again.
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Mar 12, 2004 9:56:35 AM CST
Dracula and van helsing know eachother when drac was human?
by movieplex
Sounds alot like vampire hunter D
when it turned out that he was drac's son! VH is obviously a rip off of VHD (even the first two intials are the same)and sommers is so talentless that he couldn't come up with an original spin to
create VH differently. Thank goodness for PJ and Sam Raimi because hacks like Paul WS anderson and "copycat" sommers
are n't welcome with fans of the cinema fantastical. -
Mar 12, 2004 9:56:54 AM CST
Sounds like The L.O.EX.G.... which wasn't too bad mind you.....
by theginger twit
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fuck stephen sommers. that's all
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I knew this movie would suck donkey, if vampires dont have BRAM STROKER in front of it then it aint worth SHIT.
I want LESBIAN Vampire Chicks MAN! -
Ok I've had enough. I looked through the reviews and alright at the mooment it may look bad but they were test screenings to help with shaping the film.
I'd like to point out though that Van Helsing is as old as he is due to him using Draculas blood to stay alive. Many of the modern adpations bringing Dracula into the 20th and 21st century have listed this to let Van Helsing follow Dracula through the different time frames. This is why he can be as old as he is and not age. READ YOUR DAMN LORE BEFORE COMMENTING IN FUTURE! -
I was marginally excited to see this film after watching the trailer months ago. Vampires, werewolves, and Frankenstein bore me to death most of the time, but the action sequences looked promising. Then a week ago I learned Stephen Sommers was directing the film, and the he was the same guy who'd made "The Mummy" movies. Now I know this movie will underwhelm and disappoint in almost every way. Those "Mummy" movies, especially "The Mummy Returns, were goddawful. Pure steaming piles of shit, in my opinion. "The Mummy Returns" was an insultingly stupid trainwreck of a film, and of course Stephen Sommers directed it. And now he's directed "Van Helsing." I'm thrilled.
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I can't wait to see how Entertainment Tonight will try to make Van Helsing look good. When I was younger, they could occasionally fool me. But the straw that broke the camel's back was Wild Wild West.
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...sorry Hugh but run back to X3
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Van Helsing may well turn out to be a shitefest, but it's difficult to take the opinion of someone who uses the word 'retarded' to describe something in a movie review seriously. That sounds like something a petulant 12 year old would say. "Yeah, like, whatever....that Van Helsing guy was so retarded. And Wolfman looked gay."
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but there was never any chance of this movie not turning out to be an absolute crapfest. There was clear evidence right from the start: The idea: One badass super hero character with futuristic weaponery against the hordes of darkness? Could've been cool, but definitly won't be when considering exhibit #2: The director of "The mummy returns", who already bastardized one monster, now taking on the rest of the pack. The cast: Jackman was cool as Wolverine, but apart from that? Kate Beckinsale? just one word: hype. But what convinced me that this flick was gonna be a stinker, was the hat he's wearing in one of the trailers: I've never seen anything as hilarious as that.
Oh, one more thing: Everyone who's claiming to have actually liked the FX in those trailers is a raving lunatic in my book. Or stoned. Or both.
And, last but not least: I hate catchphrases, but HARRY, FIX THE GODDAMN SITE! -
come on, how obvious can it be? these are two of those new EVIL PLANTS!!! that's right! negative reviews, formulated over weeks of sleepness nights in dark basements by rival hollywood studios, fighting over the all-important and godlike hearts of the fanboy talkbackers of Ain't It Cool News!! but HA!! all those thousands of dollars have been wasted, because i've found you out!!
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What a fucking piece of over-rated, incoherent, badly animated shite that is. Who in the name of Jim Caviezel would want to rip that off?
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fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!!!
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... is that, especially as Hopkins portrayed him, he's an uncompromising moralist. Best friend turns into a vampire? You don't waste a lot of time looking for some namby-pamby cure. You put a wooden stake in her heart and chop her head off. Why? Because vampires are evil. Period. He's a crackpot Steve-Ditko-style-Objectivist hero. He's never going to get the girl, because that would just get in the way of his fight against the Forces of Darkness. Sure, you'd never want to hang around with him socially, but when it comes down to getting the job done and offing a few Creatures of the Night, Van Helsing's your man. I think I'll write my own Young Van Helsing story. sk
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Yeah, who didn't think this would have the same campy tone as The Mummy. And of course the studio let him do it. It's the same tone the Mummy movies had and they were HUGE. Why? I will will never know. The first one had that great trailer. Then I saw the movie. I remember Rachel Weisz on that ladder at the beginning of the movie and I thought, uh oh, is the whole movie gonna be like this. Yep. And worse. But the audience loved it! Then the next one was huge. My friend tried to sell an action/horror script to the guys who made the Mummy and they were like, oh we want something more...tongue in cheek. When Hollywood learn? The audience WANTS to take it seriously. Otherwise they realize, it's just some dumb movie and they aren't transported. And look, Sommers has cool ideas but he always fucks it by taking that campy tone. So that's why they can cut a great trailer. But have a sucky movie. Too bad. Coulda been one of the all time greats. This thing could still be huge though. I woulda thought the Mummy flicks would bombs. Oh well...
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Good Lord, quit giving this TOTAL HACK big budgets and green lights! Please. His carreer is the pygmy mummy.
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Cool concept? Yes. Cool lead? Yep. But, for christ's sake, Stephen Sommers. He made the god awful Mummy movies (couldn't watch them, so bad). It all looked so good. Especially the initial production art, but my fears have come true... It stinks up to E.T.'s homeplanet.
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Had to be said.
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The sooner Hugh Jackman realizes the only way he'll work again is to play Wolverine for the rest of his natural life, the better.
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IT'S OBVIOUS THEY'RE PLANTS!!! READ IT FOLKS COME ON!!!!!!! WAKE UP PLANTS TREES BUSHES CONIFERS ROSES PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!!!!!!!
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hey FUCK YOU okay?
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That was a really nice touch! I am really impressed. So simple, and yet, wonderful. See, folks, it's the little things that you notice.
I'm not being sarcastic, by the way, that was really cool.
www.geocities.com/mondoirlando -
He's one of those rare actors who can elevate a movie just by his presence. I actually made it through Kate & Leopold because of his performance.
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... and that is the funniest movie out there! Never seen it? Rent it! Get some beer, press play on the dvd and get ready for some of the best laughs around. It surely is the funniest bad movie around. Because of that, I'm all for Van Helsing. Should be hilarious too. The more cheese the better! Good times for all!
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Mar 12, 2004 8:23:31 PM CST
Sounds pretty bad, eh? Check out my remake of Bram Stoker's Drac
by kylekrane
I just picked up the award for best picture at the santa barbara international film festival teen section for my remake of Dracula. You can watch the whole movie from a link on my website www.CRANEFILMS.com
E-mail me and lemmie know what you think!
-=brady crane=- -
Atleast we still have BLADE:TRINITY on the way, all signs point to fun with that movie.
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If this movie DOES single handedly ruin Hugh's acting career, then he will HAVE to sign on for X3 (and the 17 successive sequels that he and Bryan Singer will be doing for the rest of thier lives) just to ressurect it!... my plan is all falling into place, it began with Kate and Leopold and it unfolds with a steaming summer turd as I have forseen... brooohaaahaaahaaa... Jackman will be Wovlerine forever... HUZZAH!!! *BAMF*
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I still don't understand it. How on earth can the talkback order get messed up like it does? If the posts are listed in the sequential order they're posted, how can anything go wrong? Even with no sort, the talkback would display in the order posted, so how can a query suddenly spew them out in a messed up order? I'm seriously stumped by this. Anyone know?
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Anyone who would sign on to star in Kate & Leopold has very bad judgement when it comes to picking a project. That screenplay alone must have been horrible.
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I agree with someone above - nice work Harry on the spoiler text. Very nice touch.
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Mar 12, 2004 10:32:29 PM CST
Yes, I too got sucked in to see "The Mummy" by the cool trailer.
by johnny ahab
...and then twisted in my seat in pain at the unrelenting badness of that film. I don't want to see campy horror comedy, I want to see REAL GODDAMN MONSTER HORROR!!! But unfortunately, in Hollywood math, insane amounts of action + silliness = blockbuster. Let's hope the cascade of awful reviews rob this of a lot of cash. Doubtful, as this is kicking off the summer popcorn season. No thanks, I'll spend my $8.50 on seeing "HELLBOY" a second time, which looks like an all-out gas. And while Harry constantly dumps on Paul Anderson, I think Sommers is the worst hack in the business today.
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to the guy who said DEEP RISING was "not bad"... ha hah MWAHAHAHAAA ! yeah right... i just hope sommers makes a ride of it, just like they're doing for the MUMMY. LIGHTS GO DOWN as you hear piped in voices from the film, "It does not kill you-- it drinks you". at the end of the ride you are puked out by a tentacle. GET Mori onto this right away! maybe he can "write" the blueprints for the ride.
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i should have known a reference to DEEP RISING would get you into this talkback! how about Hulk Hogan as the monster in DEEP RISING 2: "RGRGRAH... BROTHER!"
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Or at least the Bram Stoker Book version does...I don't know a ton about it, but I know that for sure. BUT- Vampire Hunter D (BOTH movies) kick assloads of ass, and the design of Sommer's film obviously cloned them. I wanna see an Abe Lincoln killing vampire babes movie.
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Mar 13, 2004 12:02:09 AM CST
Uhmmm...yeah, I'll just wait for this crap to come on cable...
by stewiegriffin
so I can change the channel.
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The only good thing about Deep Risinig was Famke Janssen. Is Sommers going to work off all the X-Men or what?
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Mar 13, 2004 3:09:45 AM CST
On the bright side, this may get Stephen "How am I any different
by jules windex
The sequel should co-star Dave Chappelle as Blacula. In fact, they should just do a new Blacula. Beckinsale can be in it. In this one he only bites white women.
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Has anyone seen the crappy toys they made! They didnt even try to make them look cool..its funny!
..yes..i collect toys..yes I am 30..hahah! get off my back! -
If you did not know that from the trailer(s), well, you fucking know it now. It's crap material, with crap actors, let the stink of cheese raise the dead. You know this to be true!
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Looks like this movie is going to be bad.
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Mar 13, 2004 6:05:07 AM CST
Pygmy mummies - the scale on which all stupidity is judged?
by archduke_chocula
Might as Well.
This sounds bad, too bad, I guess all the failures lead to the inevitable X3!!!!!! -
HAHAHAH yeah, but at least Peter Hyams did the wonderfully taut and rousing CAPRICORN ONE and OUTLAND. Beautifully edited and scored flicks by the master Jerry Goldsmith. But I think Hyams blew it with END OF DAYS. He was given a major star, a big action studio production, and he still shot the damn thing in his usual static-wide-screen-darkly-lit look.
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OK. So Hugh Jackman is awesome. But Hugh Jackman didn't write this movie or direct this movie, so why would anyone expect the summer's best film here?
Stephen Sommers is a curse word in the ocean of names that plays in Hollywood. He's not the worst of the names, there's always Roland Emmerich, (Oh yeah, btw, that Day After Tomorrow thing is gonna suck too. Let me just save you the suspence) but it's one of the worst. At its best modern day CGI inspires us to create a Peter Jackson telling of Lord Of The Rings. At its worst it inspires us to create The Mummy. Vapid empty films with no hearts or souls that paint pretty pictures on the big screen for the "I don't want to go see a movie to think" masses. Those masses are the one's that got a Mummy Returns made and keep the Sommers/Emmerich/American Woo machines pumping. Want a smarter action flick? Read the reviews for this, and when 85% of the reviewers say it sucks, DON'T GO SEE IT! Plenty of other decent fish in the summer sea. $ are our voices. $peak out! -
The man who made DEEP RISING and THE MUMMY movies brings you...more shit!
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If you ever get around to makking that young van helsing flick, you have to get Ditko to play the lead! tagline- "He draws the line between good and evil!"
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... did a lot of gay porn in the 70s.
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Richard Roxborough is marrying Sophia one of the 3 girls who play his vampire brides in the film.
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and I was recently at arizona mills. wish I could have caught this too.
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Leave the vampire hunting to blade.
Van Helsing can't remember his past? It's those memory blocks/ implants from the weapon X project. -
I always go to Friday's early matinee', it's half the price and I know there'll be something in this movie I'll like, even if it's just Hugh Jackman.
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Not only did Hyams craft a near-masterpiece in OUTLAND, he directed one of the best urban street chase sequences, featuring Mark Harmon, in the otherwise forgettable THE PRESIDIO. I was never fond of CAPRICORN ONE, maybe because of James "Call me a Wooden Indian" Brolin, although it has a pretty tense finale.
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