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Mr. Sir catches the latest screening of... TROY!

Hey folks, Harry here... Well... I wanna see this one baaaaaaaaad! Wolfgang's set to kick asses with this one! Can't wait. Here's Mr. Sir...

Mr. Knowles!

I've been reading your reviews and articles forever but never had a reason to submit before. Tonight, though, I was part of a test screening in Sacramento, and thought you might be interested in what I saw. I'm not a great writer or anything, so please bear with me.

The movie was Troy. First of all, we didn't know what we were going to see until right before the screening. Me and my girlfriend were kind of scared it was going to be Scooby Poo 2 or something. When they announced it was Troy, everybody cheered.

Let me say from the outset, I'm not exactly unbiased. My all-time favorite movies are Spartacus and Ben-Hur, so I guess you could say I'm a fan of the genre. I've wanted to see this movie since I saw that trailer with the ten million ships or whatever, but still, you never know if Hollywood's gonna screw it up.

Well, they didn't. Certain things about this movie are freaking awesome, and certain things are a little off, but all in all, I'd have to see this is pretty close to a masterpiece.

If you know anything about the Trojan War, you know the story. Uh, Paris (Orlando Bloom) is the prince of Troy, and he falls in love with the queen of Sparta (I don't know her name but she's got the best body I've ever seen). So Paris steals her away to Troy, and then Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson, who freaking rocked in 28 Days Later and The General, great movie if you've never seen it), Helen's husband, starts a war to get her back. I've already had a couple beers and if I try to go through the whole plot I think I'll confuse things, but I think people already know the basic drift. So let's get to the movie.

First of all, the fight scenes are sick. I'm a loyal LOTR fan and I don't think any battle scenes will ever match Pelennor and Helm's Deep, but Troy is a whole different kettle of fish. This isn't humans vs. orcs, this is humans vs. humans, and the brutal bloodiness of real combat has never looked more real. I mean, Saving Private Ryan had some awesome moments, but for serious Bronze Age bloodshed, this was revelation. I don't think I ever thought of Brad Pitt as a badass before this (though he was pretty cool in Snatch), but in Troy he's the baddest motherf*er on the planet. I know, I know, all you guys out there are like, "Brad Pitt? Whatever," but trust me-- you don't want to mess with Achilles. He's decapitating Trojans left and right, he's willing to kill ANYONE, friend or foe, if they get in his way. This is not some sweet hero out of your typical flick. Achilles is one dark MF, he's got violence deep in him. Sometimes it seems like he wants to control these rages but he can't. At one point Agamemnon (Brian Cox, probably the best bad guy alive) says something like, "Achilles was born to end lives," and it's true. The man is a gifted killer and he seems to enjoy it.

What's really interesting about this movie is that you're not really told who to root for. Some people will be confused by that ("Hey, who's the good guy?") but I thought it worked. War isn't about heroes fighting villains, it's about a lot of mother's sons dying, and this movie showed that in spades. The most heroic character is probably Hector, played by Eric Bana, who ruled in Chopper (I couldn't even understand his accent half the time in that movie, but he was still the coolest psychopath gangster ever). Hector is a family man. He doesn't want to fight, but he's forced to, and the man is no pushover. His combat with Ajax-- Tyler Mane (Sabretooth in X-Men and Big Sky in pro wrestling!) is possibly the best mano-a-mano duel I've ever seen. No joke. I'm not into the wire-fu crap. I like my fights to look real, to look bloody, to look like two genuine psychos smacking each other down. I'd much rather watch Ultimate Fighting than the fricking Bulletproof Monk or some equivalent crap. Hector vs. Ajax is sheer kick out the jams ass whipping. Ajax just refuses to go down. You can stick a spear in his gut and he'll snap the spear in half and beat your ass with the shaft. You can impale him on a sword and he'll still keep cracking you in the face. I wish there was more Tyler Mane in this movie. He's only got really two scenes, and they're over way too quick.

The women in this movie are scary hot. Not only Helen, but also the slave girl that Achilles falls in love with, and Hector's wife-- yowza! Usually I'm the kind of guy who wants to watch the battle scenes and then snores through the romance stuff, but seeing Helen naked more than keeps my attention. Also, the slave girl is an awesome actress. According to the IMDB her name is Rose Byrne. Keep an eye out for her. I think she's one of the best discoveries to come along in a while.

Okay, I'm starting to drone. I know I didn't give a good summary of the movie or anything, but as I say, if you know the story, you know the basic structure. The visuals are pretty beautiful, I have to say. Costumes, sets, all that stuff, looks perfect.

So what didn't I like? Well, the music. Horrible. Painful. Worst score ever? In a movie that's so close to greatness, this was a weird flaw. But before they screened the flick they said a bunch of the stuff was not completed. Some of the special effects didn't look quite right yet, but I figured that was because they hadn't finished them yet. So maybe the music's crap because it's not the real music? I sure hope so. I almost never even notice movie music but this stuff was aggresively nauseating.

When Hector and Achilles finally fight, though, I forgot about the music. I forgot about the annoying wheezing guy sitting behind me, I forgot about my girlfriend, I forgot that I was ten days late on my credit card payment, I forgot my goddamn name. This is what movies can do when they're really, really good-- they take you out of your boring, annoying life and put you somewhere far more exciting for two hours.

Troy is really, really good. And without that crappy music it might even be great.

Anyway, sorry Harry, I'm not a real writer, but if you want to print this, call me Mr. Sir. And even if you don't, thanks for years of enjoyment on your kickass site.


Readers Talkback
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  • March 11, 2004, 8:04 a.m. CST

    I have nothing to say

    by Dolmes

    . . . . . . see.

  • March 11, 2004, 8:05 a.m. CST


    by pandamaster83

    will be quite good

  • March 11, 2004, 8:06 a.m. CST

    Yes, but where the hell is Bean?!?

    by JJforever

    Cannot be said enough.

  • March 11, 2004, 8:09 a.m. CST


    by IndustryKiller

    Probably not but I wouildn't rule it out. I dunno about this one. I feel like I know exactly what I'm getting here before I get it. Not just like I know what's gonna happen in the movie, but more frame for frame what to expect. It also feels more like an ego pic than an actual ensemble film.

  • March 11, 2004, 8:09 a.m. CST


    by Travis Pickle

    Yup, this guy writes like an asshole. When it comes to not being a writer, not ever writing to the site, not knowing how to review shit, the Lady Doth Protest Too Much. Fuck this marketing exec. But I'm gonna see it anyway.

  • The Iliad is older than the New Testament, so it's not like that's a spoiler, right? Right? What are Sean's opinions about outliving Orly in this movie?

  • March 11, 2004, 8:16 a.m. CST


    by PacinoHatersGoHo

    This is obviously a plant! And just to be sure, the guy who wrote the article is going to post in the talkback, insisting that he REALLY isn't a plant! Plant plant plant! This review is horrible!

  • March 11, 2004, 8:19 a.m. CST

    This is the tale of the wrath of Achilles

    by wrathofAchilles

    f@#k Sean Bean and his stupid f@#king horse. THIS IS MY STORY!!!

  • March 11, 2004, 8:35 a.m. CST

    Pitt wasn't a bada$$ in Fight Club?

    by Drath

    Geez, tough jury. Or heck, even in Legends of the Fall or that one about the gay vampires he had his psycho moments. But hey, everyone's entitled to their opinion, even if they sound like a plant. Not that a rave has to be a Plant every time--it just seems that way a lot. I still would like to see this one. I hope that was sarcasm about not knowing Helen of Troy's name. Plant or no plant, that would be sad.

  • March 11, 2004, 8:37 a.m. CST

    the ending

    by jil

    Hey JTyler. Sean Bean should have no opinion on outliving Orlando since Paris doesn't die in this version. Or so a previous AICN report mentioned.....

  • March 11, 2004, 8:45 a.m. CST

    Brad Pitt is this generations Chuck Norris

    by Bcphil

    With a better looking wife

  • March 11, 2004, 8:53 a.m. CST


    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    Now *this* is a plant.

  • March 11, 2004, 9:25 a.m. CST

    the film isn't finished yet. so, yes, plant

    by mda

  • March 11, 2004, 9:29 a.m. CST

    marketing blurb

    by DE

    Come on AICN, less of the marketing copy! That tells us nothing, or at least nothing discerning or credibly critical.

  • March 11, 2004, 9:58 a.m. CST

    I don't know....

    by studio planter

    This one may or may not be of my ilk, the writing is synonomous with that of a degenerate college student but at the same time, the boundless praise is somewhat off-putting.

  • March 11, 2004, 10:02 a.m. CST

    "...he falls in love with the queen of Sparta (I don't know her

    by Skyway Moaters

    Is this guy for real? He says he's a fan of the genre but he can't identify "Helen of Troy"?! Unbelievable.

  • March 11, 2004, 10:09 a.m. CST

    *Sheepish Grin* Never mind, I see now that he was referring to t

    by Skyway Moaters


  • March 11, 2004, 10:10 a.m. CST

    Just because he liked it doesn't mean he's a plant

    by Cherub Rock

    Seriously, you people have the most predicatble knee-jerk reactions to everything However, it's a bit suss that he says he doesn't know Helen's name at the start of the review then mentions "Helen" halway down the page...might just mean idiot rather than a leafy growing thing

  • March 11, 2004, 10:13 a.m. CST


    by Recognizer

    Besides the omission of any mention of Bean or Peter O'Toole, the guy doesn't seem to recall Brad Pitt being the Badass o' Badasses in MEET JOE BLACK. WTF? *That* guy was born to end lives. Awesome movie. Shit, I meant FIGHT CLUB. Brad Pitt was plenty tough there. He had a big old rubber glove, remember?

  • March 11, 2004, 10:14 a.m. CST

    People here are way too quick to claim "Plant!"...

    by mysteryperfecta

    but there's something about this review that leads me to agree with them. It's trying hard to write casually, but comments on the movie and the setting seem well researched ("Bronze-Age bloodshed") for writing this review the night of the screening...trying to look incomplete while being complete...trying to criticize but making those criticisms conditional...clunky use of current slang without swearing...trying to convince us he's a poor writer, without misspellings and with correct sentence structure and punctuation. In conclusion: plant.

  • March 11, 2004, 10:30 a.m. CST

    I want a Neal Cumpston Review!!!

    by 0101010

    I want to know if this movie will "kick my ass with a boot of burning meat"

  • March 11, 2004, 10:37 a.m. CST

    What's the worst movie music ever?

    by 0101010

    For me... it's a tie... "Ladyhawke" which I enjoy greatly but really wish I could add my own soundtrack or "Dune" with Toto (cue the electric guitar as they rise triumphantly upon the back of Shai'hulud *blech*)

  • March 11, 2004, 10:38 a.m. CST

    I hate to be one of those guys yelling "plant," but

    by FrankCobretti

    Plant. Planty plant plant plant.

  • March 11, 2004, 10:48 a.m. CST

    One time, I wrote a drunken review...

    by HarvardsMyBackUp

    ...and the FBI came to my house and arrested me for word misusage.

  • March 11, 2004, 10:56 a.m. CST

    I can't believe they cut Tom Bombadil out of the movie!

    by dillene

    Seriously, is this guy implying that Hector kills Ajax?!? Am I going to have to get all purist on this movie?

  • March 11, 2004, 11 a.m. CST


    by Captain Comet

    my GOD hes only the coolest character in all of Greek myth. How does Sean Bean do in his portrayal? is he as brilliant and pragmatic as i've been craving to see?

  • March 11, 2004, 11:10 a.m. CST

    I was there. Same screening. Same comments.

    by tdibble1

    1) If this guys a plant then the theater was filled with about a thousand of them last night. (2) Troy is, hands down, the best movie I've seen this year. Not saying much, of course, but last night's screening absolutely blew me away. There were unfinished effects and a temp music score? They mentioned these things at the beginning, but, truth be told, the only thing that caught my eye were coloring being off (especially in the outside-Troy on the sand battles ... Hector v Achilles went wildly from bluish to nearly full yellow), and a bit of cellulite on Rose Byrne's thigh that, I'm sure, will be airbrushed away in the release (it would be daring for them and her to not airbrush it out, though). There were a few times when I had to tell myself to breath. It was absolutely incredible.

  • March 11, 2004, 11:12 a.m. CST

    This is the plantiest plant ever.

    by heywood jablomie

    I think this is the most boldfaced plant ever at AICN. Is the Big Man asleep at the wheel? Everything in this reads like ad copy written by a 50-year-old. This is supposed to be some random film geek who lives in Sacramento? Yet he knows the names of battle scenes in Lord of the Rings from memory and addresses one of Troy's "marketing challenges" head on ("Hey, who's the bad guy?") Silliness! If it doesn't feel like it was written by a sweaty masturbating morbidly obese 17-year-old....ya can't truss it!

  • March 11, 2004, 11:19 a.m. CST

    Oh, and Odysseus?

    by tdibble1

    In one of the previous Troy talkbacks (I went over them between getting my invite on Sunday for "A Historical Epic due out this Summer" which doesn't precisely fit Troy, but the NRG* dudette said it was being advertised now and that it had a "Very handsome leading man" by which my wife knew she had to be talking about Brad Pitt) someone said there couldn't be a "sequel" following the Odyssey because Odyseus was missing in this movie ... I don't know what movie that guy saw, but there's NO way you miss Mr O in this one! He's Achilles' "most respected king" and one of his few friends, and as someone else said here, HE COMES UP WITH THE FRIGGIN' HORSE IDEA! (I really don't think this is a spoiler for anyone who's gotten past sixth grade world literature). (* I don't think it was NRG putting this one on. The name on the sheet wasn't NRG, at least ... using that as a generic name for the screening company :) )

  • March 11, 2004, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Captain Comment: Bean was good.

    by tdibble1

    The whole cast was excellent in their roles. You won't get more from me (perhaps the original reviewer can go more into the details) ... When I watch a good movie all the actors *are* their characters, and no one really stands out as a "great actor" ... which IMHO is the definition of "great actor". It's been years since I've read Homer or Virgil, but the characters were certainly consistent with my views of them. Note that the "gods" angle is severely played down here: these are ordinary men doing extraordinary things, praying for help from their gods and idols but in the end only helping themselves. Achilles has a great line right at the outset where a boy says he's heard he's immortal; Achilles replies, "If I were, I wouldn't need my shield, would I?" ... IMHO, one of the defining lines of the movie. Back on topic: Bean is great here, as are Pitt and Bana and the others. They are written as "real people", not idealized heros from the distant past, and so we see from all of them both the good and the bad ... and I don't think there was any character that didn't properly come across as being fully human and fallable.

  • March 11, 2004, 11:40 a.m. CST

    Not the most blatant plant...

    by SPY-der

    That would be the schmuck who wrote in for THE GIRL NEXT DOOR. That guy was the single most blatant plant ever. I was on the fence about this TROY review being a plant, but noticed that the only thing he really sh*t on is the temp score. He loved everything else, and was very clear to hit all the right genre and geek references... a little too clear for my taste. I especially liked the IMDB nod. Nice touch. He worked a little too hard to plug Brad's performance as a bad-ass, which I found interesting because in the latest trailers that's the only thing I had a concern about. It's strange that I had no problem buying into his piker gypsy accent in SNATCH but that I cringed a little when I heard his Shakespearean-Greek accent in the TROY trailer. Did anyone else find it interesting that the "reviewer" plugged Bana from CHOPPER, which not a lot of people saw, but completely forgot HULK which was his best known role? This guy might well be a plant. At least they're making us work harder to figure it out, though. That dork from THE GIRL NEXT DOOR was just way too easy. -- SPYder, out.

  • March 11, 2004, 12:54 p.m. CST

    spartacus + ben hur = PLANT!

    by Pooter the Clown


  • March 11, 2004, 1:03 p.m. CST

    desconstructing a plant

    by young1

    "but Troy is a whole different kettle of fish." - this tells us that our plant is most likely an AFI student who likes to use quirky cliche metaphors to sound edgy. Probably wishes he was Charlie Kaufman. "I'm not a great writer or anything, so please bear with me. " - has had his scripts rejected so many times that being self depricating is his only solice. "I've already had a couple beers" -hates his job as a script reader for some horrible producer and is now drinking to get drunk. Wait a second, I think I know this guy... damn, it's me :-(

  • March 11, 2004, 1:24 p.m. CST

    I think Achilles should be played by Hulk Hogan

    by Judge Doom

    "Not in the heel... brother"

  • March 11, 2004, 1:34 p.m. CST

    I think Achilles should be played by Hulk Hogan

    by Judge Doom

    "Not in the heel... brother"

  • March 11, 2004, 1:47 p.m. CST

    "Anyway, sorry Harry, I'm not a real writer"

    by Agador

    I usually give submitters the benefit of the doubt, but even I have to call PLANT! on this one.

  • March 11, 2004, 1:48 p.m. CST


    by My Ass Smells

    Troy is a carbon copy of Gladiator except Brad Pitt is no fucking Russell Crowe!

  • March 11, 2004, 1:53 p.m. CST

    You people with your "plant" crap...

    by Krinkle

    How cynical are you undersexed motherfuckers? Just because A) the guy knows how to fucking spell and B) he actually LIKES the movie... why does that inspire such cynicism in you freaks? I'll tell you why: Because its far, far easy to be cynical, snide, and paranoid than to be hopefully or enthusiastic. I am 30 years old, and just because I know how to spell and I don't go negative on every studio film coming out... that doesn't make me "50" and that doesn't make me a plant. I tell you, the internet is sending this culture down a greased shit-shoot right back the aforementioned goddamn "Bronze Age" - "Aint It Cool" has given every small-minded, racist, homophobic, unimaginative, hateful, young white ineffectual shithead a forum for their backwards, illiterate, in-grown, and plain stupid rantings. I thank God daily that Hollywood doesn't actually read these talkbacks...

  • March 11, 2004, 1:54 p.m. CST

    krinkle, judge doom, and young1

    by perryfarrell

    you faggots!!!

  • March 11, 2004, 1:56 p.m. CST

    you just try connecting those three talkbackers!

    by perryfarrell

    go ahead! ha!

  • March 11, 2004, 1:56 p.m. CST

    "Plant" detectors and AICN ...

    by tdibble1

    Ah well, guess I'm a plant too. My point was that, being there amidst a full theater of screeners, who all seemed to have a smile on their face and talking excitedly while leaving the theater, I know Mr Sir wasn't the only one to enjoy last night's screening. "plant" or not ... you know, I personally believe that much of this plant phobia you all have amounts to little more than delusions of grandeur ... It is reassuring, though, to see a post I *know* was not a "plant" (or rather, that I know reflects a truly valid and legitimate view of this movie, one which I and the folks sitting on either side of me in the theater generally shared) being called such here. Reaffirms my faith in the uselessness of the "plant detector" contingent of talkbackers ...

  • March 11, 2004, 1:58 p.m. CST

    I gotta admit, That review Sure smells like a PLANT

    by Rcamacho2278

    I mean just everything about it, spells PLANT!

  • March 11, 2004, 2:01 p.m. CST


    by perryfarrell

    this is what we need in the world! more faith in the uselessness of things!

  • March 11, 2004, 2:14 p.m. CST

    Not a plant.

    by ILK

    I heard the wheezing guy, too. And there was a fat guy snoring. .... I was there. I was going to write in last night with a review but I was too tired. Some of the effects were not finished and the music DID seem like temp music in parts. Some was timed too well with what was happening on screen to be temp music. I agree with the review for the most part, but he leaves out a few important things. First of all, Peter O'Toole!!! He has some great moments in this film. Orlando Bloom is great as Paris, the man who started it all. I must point out that Brad Pitt's accent brought back some painful memories of Costner as Robin Hood. Yes, the accent. WHY?? Still a good performance. But the accent should have been canned after take 1. It just doesn't work. There are some newer faces in this film that perform well. Saffron (??something) as Helen was a standout. The action is filmed and choreographed well. The effects (most seemed finished) were great. The film does need some tightening up, notably Achilles' death seems to drag on like a master thespian skit on SNL. All in all, it was VERY good, and could be great with the right cuts. Just don't go cutting out Peter O'Toole's encounter with Achilles toward the end. What a great scene. If this film gets a pg-13, it'll be because a large amount of high grade cocain passed hands. There was nudity, dismemberment and lots of blood. And if they leave in the gore and cut the nudity I SWEAR I will.. I will... write a very terse letter to the MPAA.

  • March 11, 2004, 2:23 p.m. CST


    by perryfarrell

    is this some kind of joke?

  • March 11, 2004, 2:34 p.m. CST

    Achilles' death

    by tdibble1

    Yeah, I suppose that dragged on a little bit. But it made me goofy kinda happy that when he was dead the only remaining arrow was the one in his heel ... and thus a legend is born ... fit the central premise of the movie very well ...

  • March 11, 2004, 2:41 p.m. CST


    by tdibble1

    I forgot to reply to this ... FromBeyond wrote "Second, it's fucking March. Saying Troy was best this year ISN'T saying much." ... I WAS going to say it's the best movie I'd seen in more than a year, but I fear that then the LotR mob would string me up and burn me with coals until I recanted. But, truth be told, I enjoyed it more (even in its just-shy-of-finished state) than Return of the King, primarily because it had precisely one ending and didn't make me want to punch a snivelling hobbit ... But then again, I've always enjoyed the "real" mythology (meaning, the kind of stories people actually believed and lived by at one time) more than the JRR Tolkein fantasy worlds.

  • March 11, 2004, 2:45 p.m. CST

    Krinkle this, you a-hole.

    by FluffyUnbound

    If the article had been "Grimloch has seen Troy and loves it" then I would not think the guy is a plant. But when you show up with the "long time reader, never posted" routine, and you write a glowing review of something, people are going to call PLANT. The marketers are idiots. You want a glowing AICN review? Not from Harry or Drew? Here's what you do: Roll that id # back to 12000 or so. Go through the talkbacks until you find the movie that your new movie is copying / imitating / ripping off. Find the people in the talkback who really, really liked your movie and get all angry and personal about defending or advocating it. Send that guy an email, and tell him you want to send him a screener with your movie on it and you want him to write an AICN review. Voila! Instant GUARANTEED positive review from a user name no one will question. None of this "Hey, my name is Mr. Sir" shit.

  • March 11, 2004, 2:47 p.m. CST

    Rad own, Krinkle!

    by Raul Monkey

    What does a good non-plant review look like then, you ignomonious buttfuckers? ILK--that was hilarious, "I heard the wheezing guy too."

  • March 11, 2004, 2:49 p.m. CST

    Re: Rad own, Krinkle

    by Raul Monkey

    Although fluffy makes a decent point. At least he went to the trouble of putting some reasonable thought into his argument.

  • March 11, 2004, 3:05 p.m. CST

    Plant. Definitely a plant. (Notice how he sells the sex appeal

    by FrankDrebin

    And, for those of us who find Pitt a little too "girlyman", this Marketing Department grunt assures us of Pitt's badassness. I know I'm being unfair, but I gave up on this when I saw that laughable CGI scene of the 10,000 boats (which would mean, what, about 1,000,000 soldiers--probably the entire population of Europe back then). Like the overrated GLADIATOR, I'll bet they took out all the historical info and inserted flashy action scenes. Since Hollywood can't sell us the old Stallone/Segal formula action films anymore, they're just putting Rambo and Riggs in period costumes. Rant over. Resume talkback.

  • March 11, 2004, 3:16 p.m. CST

    big mistake

    by Penny Lane

    this dude claims he doesn't know the name of the girl paris kidnaps, but yet he says 'all of the women are scary hot, not just helen" come on, total plant

  • March 11, 2004, 3:17 p.m. CST

    ok well

    by Penny Lane

    ok well maybe he meant the actress not the character when he said he didn't know her name

  • March 11, 2004, 3:30 p.m. CST

    like I said..

    by ILK

    Not a plant. I was at the Sacramento screening. I'm not a studio plant, I'm a fucking pornographer. They wouldn't touch me with a 12 inch pole. His review is accurate. And I really did not only hear the wheezing guy.. I saw him. Many of you folks are plant-paranoid. Even if this guy WAS a plant, his review is still accurate. I may just be slightly, very slightly less enthusiastic. It was a "good flick". It wasn't a "great film", but it was a "good flick". .. you know it just dawned on me. How did Pitt do such a great accent in Snatch and such a bad one in this?

  • March 11, 2004, 3:30 p.m. CST

    Very good review; encouraging too

    by MyGlockYourMouth

    Ignore the people who just post to hate something other than their sad, eventless lives. "Achilles was born to end lives." I love that. Good job Beinoff(sp) proving that "25th Hour" was no fluke. Great review to. Keep them coming.

  • March 11, 2004, 3:53 p.m. CST


    by perryfarrell

    i don't believe you love it. not one bit.

  • March 11, 2004, 4:35 p.m. CST

    ILK !!!!! ***PLANTY-PLANT-PLANT*****

    by Zeunges

    you are such a plant! in fact, you are worse than a plant, you are a porno-plant!! i think you are secretly working for the studios, trying to dissuade these fellow talkbackers from being the spewing pessimistic dumbass, uber-fanboys that they are. LOL! these losers make me want to vomit. i swear it's like whenever somebody writes a positive review (GOD FORBID!) they all want to belittle it, even tho' they did not ACTUALLY SEE THE FILM!!! personally i liked TROY the way i saw it last night, at 2hrs 40mins, it is somewhat long, but the length is definatley justified. back in the 20's and earlier, ya'know, in the olden days of EPIC filmmaking, there were many good films that were quite long, like GREED and FOLISH WIVES, and my Personal favorite: BIRTH OF A NATION: the first TRUE CHRISTIAN MOVIE. So Close To Jesus, His Oedipal Mother Has Taken To Referring To Me as "That Woman," Z.

  • March 11, 2004, 4:39 p.m. CST


    by Zeunges

    oh, and the screening was ion roseville, you nick-picking AICN-ers ........So Close To Jesus, I'm # 3 On His Speed-Dial R.

  • March 11, 2004, 4:43 p.m. CST

    The fact that I think Troy will be really good does not change t

    by FluffyUnbound

    I am not trying to rain negativity down, or spew anything. I think the CGI in the ads is fine. I like Brad Pitt. I like the Trojan War. Naturally, I would have preferred to see a treatment that explored the real alien nature of the Homeric Greek psyche, relative to our own, maybe something out of Dodds, but that's just me and I realize that no one else would enjoy that. I will see this movie and encourage everyone else to do so. BUT WHEN YOU PLANT A PLANT REVIEW IN MY FACE, I CALL IT A PLANT. If this guy were any bigger a plant, he could be the foreman at the plant manufacturing plant. [That joke makes me laugh every time. I love stealing bad AICN jokes.]

  • March 11, 2004, 4:53 p.m. CST

    Understand WHY people are labeling the review a plant.

    by mysteryperfecta

    No one is saying that this reviewer wasn't at the screening. No one is saying this review is a plant because it's a good review. The way the review is written is not suspicious for any one reason, but for a combination of reasons, many of which are listed in this talkback. I've never accused a reviewer of being a plant, but this one seems fairly obvious, IMO.

  • March 11, 2004, 4:55 p.m. CST

    Troy may be good but I know a...

    by Lost Skeleton

    ...plant when I see one! Here is hoping Plant's right. "2" 7/2/04

  • March 11, 2004, 5:01 p.m. CST

    Supposed plants

    by Anomaly

    You know, why don't one of you who have claimed to have seen Troy quote some lines of dialogue that haven't appeared in trailers or describe how a certain fight scene plays out and then come back in a couple months and shove it in the face of the disbelievers?

  • March 11, 2004, 5:06 p.m. CST

    Achilles Will Pay When Bana Goes"Mean Green"

    by Driver8

  • March 11, 2004, 5:08 p.m. CST

    And Besides..

    by Driver8

    I',m waiting for "PassionII The Fashion Of The Christ"

  • March 11, 2004, 5:18 p.m. CST

    the only plant in this talkback..

    by ILK

    .. is Robert Plant. He's posting here under a pseudonym, in his underwear with his big fat classic rock GUT spilling over on to the chair and his hair looking like an unwashed midwest housewife, secretly planning on plagueing us with a Pay per view comeback special and wondering if he should start suing people for downloading the albums they've already purchased over 12 times in 4 formats.

  • March 11, 2004, 5:34 p.m. CST

    10,000 boats??

    by jbreen

    Someone actually counted all the boats in the CGI shot? Actually didn't look that many to me - the number was supposedly 1,000 ships and, since that is pretty much a very recognised part of the mythology (Helen, the face that launched a thousand ships etc.), I would reckon they would have been kinda stickler-ish about that. And a thousand ship shot? Looks about right to me.

  • March 11, 2004, 5:48 p.m. CST

    good honest review

    by Danger Mouse

    I can't wait. BTW, what about Sean Bean as Oddysius? I've heard nothing abooout him in this...

  • March 11, 2004, 5:53 p.m. CST

    Speaking as someone who has a heel

    by neobido999

    I love the way they incorporated all those Amazon links into the review: "If you liked <link> Saving Private Ryan</link> and <link> Gladiator </link>, then you'd be <link> Dumb and Dumber </link> to miss this <link> Epic </link> movie." I mean, talk about fearless, I mean shameless.

  • March 11, 2004, 6:17 p.m. CST

    Okay let me say something original: PLANT !!

    by aphextwin

    Screw those who sceptinize the individuals who think this guy is a plant. Man, this is so obvious, that it's not funny anymore. "I mean, Saving Private Ryan had some awesome moments, but for serious Bronze Age bloodshed, this was revelation" Revelation!!?? What the fuck! "Well, they didn't. Certain things about this movie are freaking awesome, and certain things are a little off, but all in all, I'd have to see this is pretty close to a masterpiece" Masterpiece!!?? Common, what a load of turd. And oh yes let me say one thing: Brad Pitt needs to drop those terrible accents!

  • March 11, 2004, 7:58 p.m. CST

    Achilles loved Patroclus, according to Homer, is Hollywood turni

    by dragonfrog

    That's right, as Homer writes the story, (the Iliad anyone?) Achilles deeply love with the fellow soldier Patroclus and basically went on a suicide battle mission after Patroclus dies. Homer doesn't mention an erotic relationship explicately, but Aeschylus and other Greeks believe that's what he's describing. Even Shakespeare in 1600 managed to write openly about the man loving man relationship between Achiles and Patroclus in his Troy play "Troilus and Cressida". So when must Hollywood, Peterson and Pitt give Achiles a slave girl to fall in love with (according to Homer he does sleep with a slave girl, but fall in love with her?) does that mean they give Patroclus equal time in Achiles affections - or actually the dominant place in Achiles heart he held according to Homer (erotic or not) The reviewer makes no mention of Patroclus, but mentions the slave girl; so I suspect Peterson and Pitt wussed out on this one. If Achiles the homosexual is good enough for the ancient Greeks and Shakespeare, it better be good enough for Hollywood in 2004. What dishonest bullshit.

  • March 11, 2004, 8:26 p.m. CST

    wha... i don't get it... what are all these messages?

    by jackburtonlives

    look... i just came to amazon to get a copy of BULLETPROOF MONK. what are all these messages? Achilles who? where's my shopping cart? can someone help me here, please?

  • March 11, 2004, 8:58 p.m. CST

    Rose Byrne! - Aussie actress...

    by the_bad_mf

    FYI Rose Byrne is an australian actress. She's been in a few things like Episode II (Padme's handmaiden) and a bunch of Australian films like Two Hands with Heath Ledger.

  • March 11, 2004, 9:06 p.m. CST

    Actually, I don't think this guy is a plant.

    by Bill Maher

    Sure, plants are just trying to pimp their employer's movies. But they are also assholes. Let me be clear: They are first and foremost ASSHOLES! One sure selling point of a movie is whether or not some hot chick whips 'em out. Studio plants (with one exception) will not divulge this info because they are assholes. This guy says Diane Kruger will get naked and the battles are bloody and gory with zero wire-fu bullshit. Unless studios have stopped hiring smarmy little pricks to do plants, this one is for real. If he is, I'm goin' opening day because blood and tits are still the best special effects ever created and the Iliad is such a great story with great characters that someone would have to go out of his way to fuck it up.

  • March 11, 2004, 9:15 p.m. CST

    And repeated ad nauseum in the auditions in "Shakespeare in Love

    by Raul Monkey

    The 'thousand ships' line comes from Christopher Marlowe's play "Doctor Faustus" when Mephistophilis conjures up a ghostly image of Helen. Faustus examines it and says, "Was this the face that launched a thousand ships? / And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?" I'm not sure what it says in The Iliad itself, but this reference comes out of the Renaissance, not antiquity.

  • March 11, 2004, 9:33 p.m. CST

    Harry, the I, Robot trailer is online...where are you, brotha?

    by Terry_1978

    Just sayin', is all.

  • March 12, 2004, 1:22 a.m. CST

    I was a plant once

    by MrCere

    I wrote a glowing review of "Monsters Inc." and spelled an obvious word wrong while spelling the rest correctly. It was felt by the talk back that I couldn't have decent grammer and spelling but miss one word and be a real person. Therefore I was a "plant." I have no opinion on the "Troy" review but I don't think the studio needs to see this one to the geek contingent. Every one of you damn posters will see this movie the first week.

  • March 12, 2004, 1:56 a.m. CST

    I ate some plants once.

    by pizzatheface

    Wicked awesome.

  • March 12, 2004, 2:11 a.m. CST

    Did anyone else notice

    by MisterBlonde

    how many articles were posted at once just to get rid of the Batman Begins BS piece? AICN hasn't had that many posts at once since ever.

  • March 12, 2004, 2:11 a.m. CST

    Whats worse a plant or the Amazon?

    by sonicboom

    Enough with the Amazon links. Instead why don't you link the movies to netflix (in a new window), directly to the movie title. That way if I want to see a movie that is being referenced I can que it there. Fuck, at least link

  • March 12, 2004, 2:35 a.m. CST

    WTF? No Gay Robots?

    by Darth Phallus

    This looks CGI-rrific! Brad Pitt fuckin' rocks!

  • March 12, 2004, 3:50 a.m. CST

    as a former plant, i can assure you that this was a plant

    by johnny5alive

    yup, i posted a review for the hulk way back when (under another name, sadly, for those of you who want to rush back and find out which) before having even seen it, with a little coaxing from someone very, very low on the universal ladder the truth is, i don't regret it. i got paid a shit amount, and i wrote a shit review for a shit movie, but what the hell. far i don't have a point, really, but i think where i was going with this is that the people who paid me gave me some specific instructions that good old mr sir followed to a t. so without further adieu, and from experience, here are johnny5alive's quick ways to plantspot: 1) criticism of 'unfinished' or 'temp' score and visuals. i was told specifically to say that the music was not right in spots, and that sometimes, the visuals were "off." direct quotes 2) "it's a little uneven in spots." in spots and uneven are the plant's safehaven - abstract adjectives/nouns that you don't have to account for 3) "kickass" "badass" "amazing" "breathtaking" - people know well not to hyperbolize this badly for fear of being labelled plants. plants, however, haven't gotten the memo yet. i preferred "amazing" 4) obviously, references to established geek hits and misses. how else to tell you exactly what to expect? "spiderman, only better" were my instructions okay, well. i'm a bit drunk and tired so i'm going to stop before this becomes a harry-sized article about nothing. (oops. too late.) hope i was helpful. wish i could prove i'm telling the truth, but far too lazy to do so - trust your instincts. and bye bye.

  • March 12, 2004, 3:53 a.m. CST


    by johnny5alive

    wow, that was maddeningly incoherent. sorry folks! somehow i forgot that everything becomes a blob when it actually gets posted, despite my best efforts at spacing it rig---why am i still talking? bye bye.

  • March 12, 2004, 4:37 a.m. CST

    Mmm, hyberbole

    by CellarDoor

    As for the review, LOL,WhUTEVAR OMG11!!PSYCHO! This isn't a plant its just someone who has been over-stimulated to the point of incoherence. Big blockbusters can have that affect on teenagers but two days later they'll have forgotten the name of the film. OMG11!HELANWUZ HOT...AND NEKADLOLROFLBBQ!!11 I'll still see it though.

  • March 12, 2004, 5:13 a.m. CST

    i never thought PLANT before ... but ...

    by caipirina

    this is the first review i read that tries so hard to be good .. but not to be tooo good ... edgy, but not too much ... blaming flaws on temp music .. as if the reviewer never heard of temp music being used in previews (hey .. i have NEVER been to a preview .. only read it hear) .. tries so hard toi sound like a fan boy that even a non native american speaker can detect it ... i still hope the movie will be kinda cool .. though i like my tits with spaceshops and 'spolsions ... rather than leather clad guys and swords ...

  • March 12, 2004, 6:31 a.m. CST

    Still no mention of Odysseus

    by DannyOcean01

    Does this mean there's no Bean, or that they've cropped one of the best characters. Good to see Hector's multi-layered presence remains, but jesus, if the dialogue gets cheesy Bean is the man to bring it through. What the hell's going on???

  • March 12, 2004, 8:06 a.m. CST

    If you haven't got the balls to film "The Iliad"...

    by AliceInWonderlnd

    Despite the fact that a large factor in the action is that Achilles' male lovebunny is killed and this drives him nuts with rage and revenge, then... well, I don't know what to say. I agree with the other poster. If the rest of the classical literate world is okay with Achilles and Patroclus being more than friends, then what is the problem? It's like, "Oh, Achilles can't be bi, that would make him a wuss." Oh, grow up, you useless marketing-synergy-driven tossers. I think the same thing about "Alexander". Because the movie that I wanted to win the Oscars if it didn't happen for LOTR was Master and Commander. And I liked Master and Commander because it was a historical picture that didn't pussy out and try to render itself PC. You had child endangerment, drunkenness, vainglory, and superstition. And you got a flavour for life in those days which made the movie fascinating in its own right - it was alien and yet recognisable, and didn't pull its punches. Movies about the Greek Bronze Age could be really fucking cool. It's an alien culture. They did things differently there. Ah well. I know there's nothing you guys can do about it. I just wanted to rant.

  • March 12, 2004, 9:55 a.m. CST

    you call that a plant?

    by Hud

    in my day, we knew how to plant 'em. there was one young buck in my outfit, name of David Manning, greenest rookie you ever saw, but when we got done with him, that boy was a first-class, tendrils-and-stamen plant. Not like these pansies you got on the site nowadays.

  • March 12, 2004, 11:43 a.m. CST

    are all plants drunks?

    by young1

    hmmm.... johnny5alive and Mr. Sir, both plants, both refer to getting drunk, both apologizing for their writing, hmmm... how much you want to bet that they're the same person? Feeling disgraced, Mr. Sir? Trying to repent through johnny5alive? How about you just tell us what you really thought about Troy?

  • March 12, 2004, 11:55 a.m. CST

    Movie of 2004

    by ROBE

    Well this should be one hell of a movie. Then again I did read all that classical Greek stuff as a teenager so I am bias as well.

  • March 12, 2004, 12:01 p.m. CST


    by perryfarrell

    there's tons of other reasons, but when it comes down to it, fanboys like to cry "PLANT" for one all-encompassing reason: delusions of grandeur. kids, hate to break it to you, but the studios don't give one shit about what you think about this movie. they're not going to waste their time "planting" reviews at you. the world is not out to get you, because you're not special and you don't matter. you can break down fucking sentence structure all you want, but you have woefully misjudged what is and is not worth hollywood's million-dollar-a-minute time. the answer: not you.

  • March 12, 2004, 2:32 p.m. CST

    on plants and animals

    by johnny5alive

    whew.. I fail to see why a person who has been blatantly denying his roots would suddenly decide to reveal he has been a plant before. So no, I am not Mr. Sir. I couldn't tell you what I think of Troy because I haven't seen it, and I'm willing to bet that Mr. Sir hasn't either; I think that was the point of my last post. Cry plant about me all you like - I have been and would gladly be one again. P.S. All plants are drunks, but not all drunks are plants.

  • March 12, 2004, 3:41 p.m. CST

    I'd say Pitt playing the serial killer in Kalifornia was definit

    by Fatal Discharge

    Guess no-one saw that film but it was very well done. I guess you could say he was a white-trash badass serial killer. Plus it had my fave gal Juliette Lewis as his girl and David Duchovny as the hero. Check it out.

  • March 12, 2004, 3:47 p.m. CST

    What's all this about plants?

    by Avon

    This is a movie/geek website, not a fucking garden centre, right?

  • March 12, 2004, 6:16 p.m. CST


    by YojimboMonkey

    IMDB doesn't list Diomedes among the cast of characters. How the HELL are you going to do the battle of Troy without showing Diomedes freaking out and laying the smack down on men AND gods? Achilles was a pussy.

  • March 12, 2004, 9:17 p.m. CST

    Good review or a plant ?

    by bioforge

    Dunno , I'll see the movie nevertheless. But reviews like make me wary .

  • March 13, 2004, 2:07 a.m. CST


    by Laimbrane

    I hate to be jumping on the bandwagon, but I believe all signs point to a plant here. Johnny5alive gives some very good points, but I'll add one: no spoilers. Listen up, execs (assuming any are still reading): if you don't include spoilers, it's going to be suspect. Somebody that lays out the entire plot is not a plant - especially if there's a twist ending - because studios are so very wary of giving info away. This one even makes a lame excuse - "I've already had a couple beers and if I try to go through the whole plot I think I'll confuse things, but I think people already know the basic drift." While no review could divulge any secrets you can't get by reading Homer, if you're going to write a friggin' review - especially a prerelease review - it better not be so cookie-cutter, and it BETTER HAVE SPOILERS. Is this a plant? Probably. Either way, it's a crappy review and I wish that Harry could exercise a little better judgement in what he's throwing up on this site. Please, Harry, don't let first reviews be so suspect.

  • March 13, 2004, 6:44 a.m. CST

    "The fights were sick"

    by Archduke_Chocula

    Yeah....sure.........I bet the acting was off the hook as well.....bleh.

  • March 13, 2004, 7:30 p.m. CST


    by TomVee

    I seem to recall from my 40-plus years ago reading of THE ILIAD and AENIAD (spelling?) that ACHILLES is definitely the villain and Hector the hero. Made all the sadder and crueler by Achilles' slaying of Hector and terrible treatment of Hector's corpse.

  • March 14, 2004, 4:11 p.m. CST

    I just have one question...

    by Mithril

    do they have the f*cking cool Amazon warrior queen who has the final fight with Achilles in the myth in the movie? Or have they cut that part of the story out? I'm just asking, because that'd be cool. Especially since that's the only fight where Achilles is kinda flustered and not at his best.

  • March 14, 2004, 4:38 p.m. CST

    oh, and I'm nto saying...

    by Mithril

    that the Achilles vs. Penthesilesia fight is Achilles' last fight, but it is one of the last (apart from the fight with Memnon and Achilles' death). Which reminds me, is Memnon in the movie? God, Achilles has way too many duels (and, come to think of it, more than enough "that's it, I quit the war effort" moments as well) in this damn story...

  • March 15, 2004, 2:17 a.m. CST


    by el zar

    ..."PLANT!" But I hope the plant's not a plant. I hope this movie is great!

  • Oh the agony of de-feet

  • March 15, 2004, 5:23 a.m. CST


    by Bong


  • March 15, 2004, 7:29 a.m. CST

    For Whom the PLANT Tolls...

    by The_Lion

    This guys protests way too much. "I'm a noobie.... I'm a bad writer... I'm drunk..." Whatever. He doesn't give any fucking details. And the language seems like a guy trying to sound like a younger or cooler person. "First of all, the fight scenes are sick. I'm a loyal LOTR fan and I don't think any battle scenes will ever match Pelennor and Helm's Deep, but Troy is a whole different kettle of fish." Well, at least he used the word "sick" right, but who the fuck says "Kettle of fish"? And where are the cruse words? Also, this guy submits a review, but then doesn't come here to read it and defend himself??? I am a writer and I can tell you that whenever you write something and it gets published, you are checking that shit out right away, especially on the internet, when you can come to see instant reactions from people to your work. Mr Sir, where the fuck are you? Post here. We have some questions for you, unless you're a faggot-ass plant.

  • March 15, 2004, 1:48 p.m. CST

    what's a plant?

    by perryfarrell

    you are weird kids.

  • March 15, 2004, 8:37 p.m. CST

    Guy's a plant and this movie is a LOSER

    by Capt. Miller

    Clearly this is some weak-ass Warners marketing guy writing some lame review of their turd of a movie. Here's why this movie won't work: 1) Seen this "epic battle" shit too many times, too recently (LOTR, GLADIATOR)and done much better. 2) Brad Pitt is not an actor and is hard to accept in period. Anyone who says that LEGENDS OF THE FALL worked is wrong. Look at it again. 3) Hector is the best part. Read the Illiad. He's the guy with the dilema, crisis, who makes a fucking stand and he's played by a guy who is clearly not a movie star. Achilles is a spoiled brat who whines his way through the whole fucking story , bitching to his mom about how unfair life is. 4) Woflgang Peterson sucks. Any cocksucker who says THE PERFECT STORM is good has no taste. That movie is completely souless. It's a TV movie. DAS BOOT rules, and so does IN THE LINE OF FIRE. But it ends there. 5) Trailers confirm all of the above. Excuse the vitriol but hate when they try and insult our intelligence by posting a bullshit review. Biggest lie of all is likely that this guy has a girlfriend.

  • March 15, 2004, 11:12 p.m. CST

    <sigh> Sean Bean forgotten again....

    by EmilyQFan

    Totally forgotten in the LOTR movies although I think he gave one of the best performances. Now it seems totally forgotten in this movie too. It seem like it is all about the pretty boys

  • March 25, 2004, 6:40 p.m. CST

    what about orlando and sean

    by 23/11/1981

    what about orlando bloom and sean bean are they not in this film. although as a girl seeing orlando bloom and brad pit in a leather skirt oh cant wait. trailer is ace for it to one boat then it pans out to hundreds.

  • April 4, 2004, 12:25 a.m. CST

    Slave Chick

    by Flynner

    Rose Byrne.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

  • April 19, 2004, 8:01 a.m. CST

    mano a mano

    by the geat

    just a note mano a mano means : hand to hand (mano is hand) NOT man to man

  • April 24, 2004, 2:33 p.m. CST

    Get the wankstains outta your eyes

    by Hockenberry

    To all of you whiners: grow up or go play with your toys. The trailer looks very promising. Now for my ad: go and buy "ILIUM" by Dan Simmons if you like the Iliad or the movie. It