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SPECIES II
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you ever seen a movie that
hemoragges your brain? One that hurts you? Well, that's what happened when I saw
SPECIES the original. The film began with a pretty damn good start, but then... about the
time Natasha Henstridge first took the screen, began sucking as hard as a SUXOCLEAN 3000
Vacuum Cleaner! And as the original film progressed it became 10,000 times suckier.
So the reason I went to Species II was to see if it was going to be good for half and suck
for the other half like Species... OR would it take up where the last film ended... the pit of
hell, and continue to bore down to an even worse valley of crap.
Well... The Valley of Crap it was. First off the jokes you hear about FECES II are not
inaccurate. There is this dude with a secret space prick he acquired on Mars who must
screw Earth women, impregnating them with his space prick. The Earth woman will have
inflato-bellies that peel back like a Giger egg and spurt out Alien children. These mis-
gened kids grow fast. And the concept is he's gonna fuck the human race out of existence.
BUT we humans have a secret weapon, a cloned Sil named Eve. That's right it's that
space slut, who can sense what space prick is doing, and she wants space prick in her
space slit. If I sound a bit crude, that's because the film is that simple. This is a tits and
ass fest with some alien dick deep throating action going on, on the side. This is a bad
exploitation flick. Not a Jack Hill exploitation film, but one of those piece of shit crappy
dung ridden loads of excrement that cost a fortune and delivered one one-thousandth of
the pleasure of a COFFY.
In the genre of T & A Sci Fi, I recommend BARBARELLA, FLESH GORDON,
GALAXINA, 2069: A SEX ODYESSY and even the horrible FLESH GORDON AND
THE COSMIC CHEERLEADERS. For sure the women are hot, but the film sucks
soooo bad you feel embarrased to be in the theater. This is a paper sack movie, the sort of
film you cut holes in a brown paper sack, put it on your head before exiting your car, you
wear it to buy your ticket, watch the film, and you don't take it off till you get back to
your own house. SUCKO FILM!!!
So there you have it, the worst of modern sci-fi. Films that depend on effects, but have
nothing to back it. No thoughts, no brains, no intellect. Film devoid of coolness. Space
Pricks and bouncy cartoon monkies are not what Sci Fi is about. The effort that went into
these logs of processed food and corn are so absurd. Lost In Space cost a fortune and
what ailed the film didn't cost a penny. It needed a heart, an emotional anchor that rooted
the film in our hearts. The original TV series was no work of Shakespeare, it was a goofy
camp fun fest, but here that was devoid. There was no real menace, there was no levity, it
was quite simply stale. And Species II had a cool lenticular poster that is 10,000 times
better than the film itself.
The problem is there is no wonder. Sci Fi used to be something that the characters were
stunned by. When they saw an alien, they were shocked, they feared it. When they
looked back and saw the Earth eclipsing our sun, they would sigh a sigh of distance. Now
it's something that is common place. Sci Fi films should be made, but they should be
carefully crafted by filmmakers that can tell you exactly why FORBIDDEN PLANET was
cool, why WAR OF THE WORLDS kicked ass and why BOBA FETT is a phenom. They
should watch THEM and study how even with the suckiest paper-mache creatures (with
the noted exception of the Doug McClure creatures) around, they crafted a story that you
forget the effects, you love the STORY. A five-letter word that means more that the
number of effects shots, the number of breasts and the names of the stars.
You don't need Movie Stars in Sci Fi, you have aliens, cosmic events, and things that
make the audiences' eyes pop open and go ewwwwwwwwwww! These two films
followed the porno style of filmmaking. SEX SEX SEX words words words SEX SEX
SEX, but instead it was EFFECT EFFECT EFFECT words words words EFFECT
EFFECT EFFECT. Producers. Directors. Go back and read a bunch of AMAZING,
STARTLING, WONDER, PLANET pulps. Sniff their aged paper and marvel at the
stories. Read EC comics, see how simple it would be to turn out a great film. Stop being
Hacks!!!
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Try using a spellcheck - though your version of haemorrhages was the funniest i've seen for ages
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PG, that's why you spelled hemorrhage wrong too, jack ass.
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This ain't no spelling bee or English class.
I see this film and Harry and just two or three others happened to be there. And I have to say I liked it. I wasn't expect Oscar material. I was just out for a cheap thrill. It by no means is in the same league as any Carpenter or Chronenburg file but it was an enjoyable 90 minutes.
The best part is when the dude has this fit of guilt (like the Werewolf, a good man who known he cannot stop during evil) and takes a shotgun to his head. He very graphically blows he brains out (this ain't no movie for kids, parents!). But being the alien weirdness that he is, his brains and bones and tissue REASSEMBLE themselves back into his head in about 20 seconds. COOOL AS HELL EFFECT.
And the sexual angle was nice - kinda of vampirist. I wish is was X - but with the gore and violence, it should have been anyway. I would have like the sex to be as hot as violence - the American problem!
Peace,
Tangent Z -
And this talkback is so empty! If anyone ever vists here again, leave a message and I'll try and remember to pop back again in a year or so! As for the film... avoid like the plague. Even the sex scenes are boring.
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And Species 2 is still bad. Watched it again recently and it was slightly more fun than I remembered actually. But still bad.
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What up dawg?! Hit me back in a year or two.
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