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Spawn review
SPAWN... As usual let me set you up with my mental mind set in advance of the film,
that way you will know where my head was during the film.
The anticipation for this film began a LOOOOONG time ago. When SPAWN 1 came out,
I picked it up and read it through and through (hey I dug it), then my baby sister did the
same, and fell in love with the book. Since that day, I and my father have been on quest
after quest to get the magical Spawn comics, cards, toys, t-shirts and etc.
We have done battle with evil toy scum guys, etc. It's been tough, but every time my
sister's face lit up, well it was worth it.
At Christmas I used every source and contact I had to find the SPAWN script to give to
her. I also managed to get the first pics of Spawn and the Violater to go inside the script
for her. I had it bound, and we read it.
It was the script we wanted. Solid, emotional, action packed. Then those trailers began.
My sister began spontaneously salivating on the front porch, I slipped and hurt my back.
We were a family of SPAWN geeks.
Then Sunday night (as in like 4 days ago) I received a phone call telling me I could get
into a press screening of Spawn Monday morning. I'm a night person, so I for go
updating the page, to get the proper sleep to wake up and see SPAWN. I couldn't sleep.
After 4 hours of shut eye, my nervous can't wait to see it energy woke me. I began
pacing. I'm fat so I don't do this often. I woke up my dad and said, "Let's go get some
coffee and read the paper." After that we head over to the theater, which is still 45
minutes from showing it. So we head into the book store, Barnes & Noble to be precise.
And I see the new Variety, I comment to Dad, "Hey, I think there is suppose to be
something in here on me."
Dad responds, "That's right," and grabs one and heads for the table I'm at. I look at the
front page, and there is my damn name.
"Holy shit Dad, I'm on the cover of VARIETY!!!"
Now I know what all of you are probably thinking. Big damn deal. Well to me, this is a
realization of a life long dream. When I was a wee tyke, I saw YANKEE DOODLE
DANDY, you know James Cagney whupping up the ol heart strings as George M Cohan?
Well, at the end where he is sitting in his front yard and is reading Variety and the
Jitterbug kids (that's what I call them) ask about the headline. Then begin singing that
"Crix nix pix flix..." over and over again. I wanted to be in that, I thought. For the rest of
the day I had this goofy damn (life satisfying) smile on my face.
Then the screening was canceled. I didn't care, I was on Variety. I was so pleased that at
10pm that night I had cheek cramps from all the smiling I was doing. Then I got THE
CALL.
A certain phone call alerting me to another screening that night of SPAWN. Well I load
up the family and we head out. We get in and get the seats we like. Then we sit there
awaiting the film to begin. 1am comes along and then Imperial agents ask us to leave.
Rather than start a scene, we do.
(Hmmm those studios must really be passing that pic of me around, I think)
I'm pissed. I'm tired. I sleep. Too late in fact for the press screening the next morning.
But I remember where Radio Station passes are being given out. We head out, and begin
a quest for over an hour trying to find SPAWN passes. I got all the facts wrong. All of
em. So we go to PICTURE PERFECT Tuesday night. And there... are my fellow LINE
PEOPLE.
Instantly the trading and working of the line begins. One line person gives me an extra
Conspiracy Theory pass, we then begin giving out MIMIC passes, then a SPAWN pass
finds it's way into our hands via one last trade. The Conspiracy Theory pass for SPAWN.
Deal.
When it all comes to it, the LINE PEOPLE take care of their own. We know, we are the
LINE PEOPLE.
So that brings us to today. Lots of interviews (on account of that dang VARIETY cover
story) and I find out my Rolling Stone issue is out. Coooooool, I'm on the same page
with Charlize Theron. Wowowowowow!!! Coooool!!!!
The day went well.
Then we were in line, with THE LINE PEOPLE. We begin discussing Saturday Morning
Cartoons with a passion. I begin singing the themes, and talking like the maniac head
geek that I am. Probably my impersonation of the Reefer Madness "FASTER" dude
scared many. heh heh heeeeeh. Meanwhile a maelstorm begins plowing down from the
sky. The tap was opened.. I know the power is going to get knocked out and I'd be out
of luck for seeing SPAWN. I believe I'm cursed. The power doesn't go out, but the line
goes in.
We get Spawn Balloons, tatoos and a button. Cooooool.
Then the trailers come on. Actually trailer to be precise. The new Chris Rock and Charlie
Sheen trailer. This ummm... actually looked good to me. I loved Chris in FIFTH ELEMENT, and Charlie Sheen
can do a good movie, if the movie and Charlie lets him. Oh yeah, I believe I remember the guy doing this is doing that
Jackie Chan flick, Rush Hour.
Then SPAWN...
Let me qualify this. Almost everyone in the theater seemed to truly enjoy the film.
Clapping occuring frequently during the film and after. I clapped. But I wasn't quite
sated.
To me Spawn is like after wandering through the desert for a year you come to a shade
tree, a sign saying 15 miles to town, and a big ice cold water bottle. In otherwords, this
isn't the greatest SUPERHERO film of all time, but it's pointing the right way, and will fill
your thirst till we get there.
There are moments of true super coolness, there are moments of ewww. The VARIETY
review of yesterday, hit right on how I felt. Coming into this summer there were TWO
movies I was dying to see. CONTACT and SPAWN. I loved Contact. I enjoyed Spawn.
There is quite a bit of room for improvement.
The effects? Well there are some fantastic images in this film, but they were so about
pushing the envelope, that I think on a couple of scenes, well the effect didn't seem like it
was quite possible yet. Really nice looking, but not right yet.
The Cape, The Violater are awesome. THE CLOWN is mind blowning. There have been
3 Superhero Comic Characters in film that I completely believe. Christopher Reeve's
Clark Kent/Superman, Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman, and now John Leguizamo's
CLOWN. Everything that an over the top comic book villian is suppose to be, smart
dialogue and jokes. Very cool character, and amazing make up.
There are several things that bugged me about the film, but I'm not going to discuss them
here now. Perhaps in the forum late next week. But I can't say because alot of it has to
do with an earlier script draft I fell in love with. Same with my sister. My father enjoyed
it immensely, as did the 16 & 17 year old guys next to him.
Go see SPAWN, it's not a great film, but if you want Hollywood headed in the right
direction, well this is how to tell them. FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR better than
that other caped crusader film this summer. And you are not ready for the CLOWN, he is
FANTASTIC in my opinion, worth the price of admission twice. My number one problem
is a lack of character development, at 87 minutes in this type of action film, there wasn't
much room and it shows.
Also I didn't hear an SDDS screening, it was THX though. Couldn't really detect the
score.
Kickass visuals on the most part. Cool as hell bad guys. Really cool swipes. That cape,
those chains. If only there had been more heart. I'll tell ya about that next week in the
Forum. I'll be seeing the Mimic screening Friday morning. Can't wait. Dying to see it.
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+ Expand All
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After reading the comics, buying the graphic novels, getting so psyched for this movie that I was wetting myself frequently, there was no way this film could be a dissapointment.
This film was the biggest disapointmnet in my life. The story of Spawn is so dark and sooo cool and they trashed it. I was bored half way through this film and I was so ready to say I enjoyed this film but I couldnt, I just couldn't. It was boring, it made the story boring and that made me sick. Clown isn't a big enough enemy for one film, he's the fiend that Spawn cuts his teeth on, and that should happen 45 mins in, not as the last battle. Billy Kinciad should of been in this film, they should of follwed the narrative of the first comics. -
May 12, 2005 3:05:55 AM CDT
I'd just like to point out the search engine is a pain in the as
by gheorghe zamfir
I swear to Christ!
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the first search seems to turn up every single article!
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muggle muggle
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May 12, 2005 3:07:15 AM CDT
"Seems a little redundant with the TV's bounty hunter episode"
by gheorghe zamfir
heh, cached talk back subjects
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or not, reports seem to be conlficting.
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Bill Murray still rules!
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in retrospect, I bet it was.
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May 12, 2005 3:09:35 AM CDT
Forgot what Priscilla does to your impression of Agent Smith
by gheorghe zamfir
You will kneel before Zod.
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Meh.
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Seriously look at coaxial, the Amazon lists are longer than the actual article sometimes.
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May 12, 2005 3:11:18 AM CDT
Hmmm, really need some raves and overwhelming positive reviews
by gheorghe zamfir
Still haven't seen Kingdom of Heaven, probably won't until DVD.
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for real yo.
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That's Robert Rodriguez, must have cleared my cache cause these are all pretty recent, either that or I have the memory of an elephant.
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Still do, can't wait for Serenity!
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no idea
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I thought season 6 and season 7 were useless, and no, its not because I don't understand "darkness." Its not that they were dark so much as they were empty.
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May 12, 2005 3:15:07 AM CDT
I'd just like to point out the search engine is a pain in the as
by gheorghe zamfir
Hey, I just made that one!
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snotty ass.
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Can't wait for Harry Potter either, weird how I hated the first film and have become a Potter head after the 3rd film. And I think Potter head needs to be the offical geek term for Harry Potter fans.
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May 12, 2005 3:17:27 AM CDT
I'm glad they're trying to do it with physical effects
by gheorghe zamfir
Whoops, almost skipped Superman's flying.
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Total Recall and Minority Report were seperate and independant short stories.
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a merMAN!!!
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May 12, 2005 3:19:33 AM CDT
Just out of boredom I rented the sequels the other day
by gheorghe zamfir
And I caught Animatrix a few weeks back, some great stuff in there.
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I still love Hoop Dreams though.
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The Fincher produced series is still the best.
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hmmm
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Timothy Dalton or Patrick Stewart!
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And I'm still not sure, some say yay, some say nay, one even said both. Must not have made up their minds yet and are testing it out in these pre-screenings. STICK WITH THE NO SOUND IN SPACE!!!
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Serenity trailer blurb.
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And its still a damn shame they chased Milius off this project. I don't wanna see any Conan movie except King Conan directed by Milius.
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I said something to you.
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meh.
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and he is! Spoiler.
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May 12, 2005 3:26:57 AM CDT
So tired of hearing TPM wasn't bad because it was "necessary"
by gheorghe zamfir
sorry folks, its not a defense its an excuse.
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Spidey has no secret identity anymore!
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after seeing it again maybe it was, I still think its the young lad playing teenage Clark though, just cause they're wearing the same clothes.
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Batmobile stock car.
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May 12, 2005 3:29:38 AM CDT
The new villain might be saner, smarter, and more dangerous
by gheorghe zamfir
Jubal Early, he's a bad motha...
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May 12, 2005 3:30:05 AM CDT
There's been a Knight Rider movie "in the works" for ages
by gheorghe zamfir
and KITT was on Boy Meets World.
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Ron scares easy.
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Serenity is gonna make another change, Paramount doesn't know what to do with this flick.
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and Veronica Mar's last episode cut out too, just like every episode this entire god damned season!!!
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crapped out, cut out, whatever. And I meant Universal where I typed Paramount two posts above.
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guess I will.
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for serious yo.
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I guess people dig it though, so nevermind.
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Hugh Jackman just ain't Superman's daddy.
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I still dig it bunches.
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May 12, 2005 3:35:43 AM CDT
Yes, Shakespeare carries the stigma of one of history's great wr
by gheorghe zamfir
that was sarcasm by the way, there's a million reasons to not compare Shakespeare and Whedon, and not one of those reasons has to do with the (well earned) critical "stigma" Shakespeare has.
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No Z's, but that's from a baseball message board, cause I'm that big of a geek.
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as long as I'm using the baseball posts...
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do it.
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a year ago, don't count on him doing it this year either.
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low average and low OBP.
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Yup.
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and they were
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easy
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good trade
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Holds.
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Gagne's coming back.
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or maybe not.
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Think it was 11?
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and they don't.
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Too much.
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so he's off to a bit of a slow start.
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.300 batters are generally pretty consistent.
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some like to work location.
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yup.
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20 win season won't happen again.
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good player though.
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different J Santana than Minnesota's Johan.
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he wasn't very good at it.
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two games in a row, ouch.
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that day at least.
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Blue Jays aren't a contender this year.
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he's no Smoltz.
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this doesn't look like it'll be a great year for the catcher.
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he's a stud this year.
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so the pitcher was ejected.
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over some other combo.
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still not sure.
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Crazy White Sox closer situation.
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not ready to think he's got a comeback season in him this year.
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Think he's in for a good year.
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Just a gut feeling.
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More Pierre talk.
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Don't like him.
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Damn it all.
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Think it ended at 12 too.
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Barring injury he'll end the year as a top 10 2B no prob.
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in case you didn't know.
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No idea.
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Top ten 3B maybe, but not a top 10 player.
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White Sox look great this year.
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and one of your fantasy players is the only player to have not gotten a piece of the pie.
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well, do you?
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Slight back injury, nothing to worry about.
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I wouldn't do it.
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Bases loaded situation, accounts for save in spite of big lead.
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maybe.
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Hope he can keep up the good numbers.
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Good closer pickup early in the year if you got him.
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So don't discount the guy.
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May 13, 2005 5:54:39 PM CDT
And the year before that Pierre had 65 and Pods had 43
by gheorghe zamfir
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The guy hasn't been lights out in the closer role like he was as a reliever.
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Turnbow has been looking good.
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Yep.
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asshole
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bitch
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cunt rag
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dick head
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erectile dysfunction
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fucktard
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god damn
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hump buddy
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I'm not creative enough to do this
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jack off
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kunt rag
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Lorena Bobbit
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mother fucker
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nookie
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oysters
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pearl necklace
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queef
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Rim job
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screwnicorns
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taco flavored kisses
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up with people
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vagina!
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wanker
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x fuck
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Why? Because I love you.
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Zanadu
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'Cinch it up nice and snug, sir. I can take it.'
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May 18, 2005 4:28:39 AM CDT
"This is a two-part question. 1. What does Lisa look like naked?
by gheorghe zamfir
"Believe it or not Dave, you're NOT Joseph Stalin and this ISN'T Elizabethan England."
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May 18, 2005 4:29:06 AM CDT
"Are you challenging my constitutional right to make nude phone
by gheorghe zamfir
"Wuzzup y'all! Bill McNeal saying there's a party all up in here and you need to get with the flow... Oh yeah!!! Rocketfuel Malt Liquor's got the heavy weight power when you got tha eods to rip it up to some fat bootie beast... or just chill with the honies... so get on the rocket and see the stars... Rocketfuel Malt Liquor... DAMN!!!"
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May 18, 2005 4:29:31 AM CDT
"Don't try to confuse the issue with half truths and gorilla dus
by gheorghe zamfir
"Have you ever heard the expression, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place'?"
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May 18, 2005 4:30:10 AM CDT
"Experience has taught me that every toothy grin hides an extra
by gheorghe zamfir
"...Now available in vanilla nut flavor. So for a tasty treat that good to eat, try Soylent Green. Soylent Green is people. Soylent Green. Made from the best stuff on Earth... People!"
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May 18, 2005 4:30:34 AM CDT
"I'm... well, I'm hurt... deep down... where I'm soft... like a
by gheorghe zamfir
"My stomach's much flatter since I've been doing the colon cleansing."
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May 18, 2005 4:31:15 AM CDT
"I'm a little busy right now... I'm helping the Captain find his
by gheorghe zamfir
"It wouldn't be the first time this voice has saved a life. Remember last summer that guy walked in front of a bus? 'LOOK OUT!!' Life saved, thank you..."
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May 18, 2005 4:31:40 AM CDT
"When love is unrequited, the whole world is a load of crap... D
by gheorghe zamfir
"My stomach's much flatter since I've been doing the colon cleansing."
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May 18, 2005 4:32:12 AM CDT
"Dave, parenting is something you can learn as you experience it
by gheorghe zamfir
"What I'm trying to communicate is that I'm willing to do nudity -- no extra charge!!"
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May 18, 2005 4:32:56 AM CDT
"The fact is, the woman wanted me. And the fact that she couldn'
by gheorghe zamfir
"I'm hurt... deep down... where I'm soft... like a woman."
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May 18, 2005 4:33:47 AM CDT
"There comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, I
by gheorghe zamfir
"I stand still, the conclusions jump to me."
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May 18, 2005 4:34:21 AM CDT
"Then again another wise man said, if you can get more money, sc
by gheorghe zamfir
BILL: "Women, can't live with them."
DAVE: Can't live without them?"
BILL: "I don't know about that part... especially when they're sneaking around behind your back.." -
May 18, 2005 4:34:58 AM CDT
"Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomicall
by gheorghe zamfir
"Say, Dave, maybe after work you'd like to go by the zoo and shoot goats."
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May 18, 2005 4:35:37 AM CDT
"If I want to be treated like a spoiled baby it's time I acted l
by gheorghe zamfir
"Why would she do it, Lisa.... why would she 'french' her daddy?"
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May 18, 2005 4:36:11 AM CDT
"Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman and I'll sho
by gheorghe zamfir
"Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition! And I'm a woman!"
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May 18, 2005 4:36:39 AM CDT
"Nobody cares how beautiful the souflette is when the appetizer
by gheorghe zamfir
"You're from Wisconsin... artificial light is fascinating to you."
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May 18, 2005 4:37:06 AM CDT
"Let me say to you what I told my brother last Thanksgiving, 'Gi
by gheorghe zamfir
"No, that is so fascinating I almost forgot you had presents."
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"Jimmy's as safe as a bug in a baby's bottom."
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May 18, 2005 4:38:31 AM CDT
"I remember one time in college we got this pledge drunk, locked
by gheorghe zamfir
"...you know what I have to make a phone call"
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May 18, 2005 4:39:57 AM CDT
"Then you snapped your legs shut like a well-oiled beartrap!"
by gheorghe zamfir
"When I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to another radio station as we broadcaster's sometimes do, what I heard shocked and saddened me. I heard a broadcaster, who will go unnamed, use the word penis on the air. At nine in the morning not just once but twice he said...that word...twice. Now as a broadcaster, freedom of speech is my bread and butter but I'm also a big fan of a little thing called decency - the meat in the broadcasting sandwich. I am personally outraged by the shock tactics our competitors are using in pursuit of the all mighty ratings. Freedom of speech is one thing, the word "penis" is another. I'm Bill McNeal with the McNeal perspective."
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May 18, 2005 4:40:38 AM CDT
"You know, my mother avoided all physical contact... something t
by gheorghe zamfir
"Sure, same thing happened when I was a kid... I was mouthin' off to my brother when we were getting ready for school... I'm telling you, he punched me so hard I was out for a half an hour. And when I came to I was on the school bus... completely nude of course... I remember one Christmas he stripped me naked and locked me out of the house jsut when the Carolers were arriving... Talk about a Merry Christmas... Good times..."
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May 18, 2005 4:41:16 AM CDT
"Well my mother made me wear a dress til I was 9, parents make m
by gheorghe zamfir
"I remember one time... my father came home from a night on the town which of course had turned into a week... and my Mother said, "John, is there anything you wont drink?"... and my father shot back, "Poison... I'm saving it for you." (Laughing) And I and my brother who is now an alcoholic himself... just about died laughing..."
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May 18, 2005 4:41:56 AM CDT
"When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child..
by gheorghe zamfir
"Another time I was cut from the highschool football team... and my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback but the McNeal's have gained a daughter"... and in front of the other players too... priceless!... good times... good times..."
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just watched the new Peter Pan, and god damn it Rufio would mop the floor with Petie any day of the week!
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is the loneliest number
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can be as bad as one, its the loneliest number since the number one
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is company
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is a crowd
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golden rings
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for old men playing knick knack on their sticks
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you're a movie of the week!
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the OCHO!
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is fine
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The number of the day, as brought to you by Count von Count. TEN!!! THERE ARE TEN NUMBERS!!! TEN!!
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May 21, 2005 5:41:38 PM CDT
Shit-eating son-of-a-bitch... bastard, douche-bag, twat, numb-nu
by gheorghe zamfir
what if I'm looking for a bathroom, I can't find one... and my bladder explodes?
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May 21, 2005 5:42:05 PM CDT
There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil
by gheorghe zamfir
Baby step to four o'clock. Baby step to four o'clock.
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May 21, 2005 5:43:43 PM CDT
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I
by gheorghe zamfir
It was an interesting morning, fruitful. But it lacked the intensity that you and I generate together, the sparks that we get one-on-one. We just gotta figure out a way to work around your schedule. Could we work afternoons? 2:00 to 4:00? 3:00 to 5:00? Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday?
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May 21, 2005 5:45:20 PM CDT
For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.
by gheorghe zamfir
Well I'm gonna to go then. And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this ashtray, and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.
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Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass.
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Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.
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The new phone book's here. The new phone book's here. This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now.
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I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.
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May 21, 2005 5:48:04 PM CDT
You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'
by gheorghe zamfir
"I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.
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May 21, 2005 5:48:30 PM CDT
First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. Y
by gheorghe zamfir
I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke.
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ah yes. I have my temporary driver's license - and - my astronaut application form... I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth.
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I don't care about losing all the money. It's losing all the stuff
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Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?
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May 21, 2005 5:52:06 PM CDT
Great... you shot the invisible swordsman. It's like living with
by gheorghe zamfir
I suppose you could say that everyone has an El Guapo. For some, shyness may be an El Guapo. For others, lack of education may be an El Guapo. But for us, El Guapo is a large ugly man who wants to kill us!
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Do you have anything here besides Mexican food?
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Not so fast El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!
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I'm Rick James, bitch!
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May 21, 2005 6:04:00 PM CDT
Hey, it's white boy, ok who ordered the pizza. Hey white boy fin
by gheorghe zamfir
I'm Rick James, bitch!
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May 21, 2005 6:04:17 PM CDT
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the fi
by gheorghe zamfir
I'm Rick James, bitch!
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May 21, 2005 6:04:40 PM CDT
What the fuck is up with the rainbow? I'm not feelin' the rainbo
by gheorghe zamfir
I'll put a band-aid on your face and make you my Nelly.
-
That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you.
-
May 21, 2005 6:05:46 PM CDT
...and that, kids, was the first time I sucked a cock for crack.
by gheorghe zamfir
Drugs is all around you kids. Look at that magic marker cap. What the hell you think that is, some kind of crayon? Take it off and sniff it and get high.
-
Who's there?
-
I'm Rick James!!!
-
You wanna know what dog food tastes like? Do you? It tastes just like it smells... DELICIOUS.
-
May 21, 2005 6:08:08 PM CDT
You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier. Look what
by gheorghe zamfir
I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy, it was an accident. I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce. The stickiest of the icky. You want to smoke with the old boy Rick James?
-
I'm Rick James, bitch. Enjoy yourself.
-
GOOD ****ING CHOICE MOTHER ******ER! SAMUEL JACKSON! MADE PAINSTAKINGLY BY ME, SAMUEL L. JACKSON! IT'LL GET YA DRUNK! YOU'LL BE ****ING FAT GIRLS IN NO TIME! YOU MIGHT EVEN FIGHT A NIGGA OR TWO! MMMM-MMMM BITCH!
-
May 21, 2005 6:10:50 PM CDT
Could you please stop yelling at me?NO, I CAN'T STOP YELLING, 'C
by gheorghe zamfir
NO, I CAN'T STOP YELLING, 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I TALK! HAVEN'T YOU SEEN MY MOVIES? 'JUICE', THAT WAS A GOOD ONE! DEEP BLUE SEA! THEY ATE ME! A MOTHER ****ING SHARK ATE ME! DRINK UP, BITCH!
-
fucked that one up its stupid ass.
-
May 21, 2005 6:13:28 PM CDT
So long fried rice, hello fried chicken. I love you Dad!
by gheorghe zamfir
I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best looking motherfuckers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch.
-
May 21, 2005 6:14:37 PM CDT
Negrodamus, will Arsenio Hall ever have a show again?
by gheorghe zamfir
Yes. Arsenio Hall will have a new show called "Good Morning, Black America". It will be played at noon throughout the country.
-
The nominees are... Buck Nasty. Buck Nasty is nominated for getting his best friend's girlfriend pregnant, then tricking his best friend into raising the little motherfucker. The next nominee is... Pit Bull. Pit Bull is nominated for calling the cops on his drug-dealing neighbors, not because it was the right thing to do, but just 'cause he was jealous of all the money they was makin'. And the final nominee is... Silky Johnston. Silky Johnston is nominated for calling in a bomb threat at the Special Olympics.
-
May 21, 2005 6:17:15 PM CDT
My name's Leonard Washington. Where I'm from? A little town call
by gheorghe zamfir
There's times to be real, and there's times to be phony. That's right, I said it, phony! You think I'm this nice in real life? Fuck that, son! That's just 'cause I'm on TV. I'd pull my balls out right now... skeet skeet skeet skeet!
-
I wish I could say the same for you and your crew of flunkies. You guys want some grapes?... Bitches.
-
Man, fuck you son! I'm glad you think he's so gaddamn hilarious because he just walked off with your school clothes money. It's, isn't it? I'm broke nigga, I'm broke!
-
Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?
-
May 21, 2005 6:22:10 PM CDT
That was Beautiful. On the weekends, Beautiful does stunts for L
by gheorghe zamfir
Let's talk about Chinese people! With their kung-fu and their silly chang-chang-chong talk! We can't understand you! Go back to yer country! White power!
-
May 21, 2005 6:22:57 PM CDT
Are you sure you don't wanna see me have sex? I do a great doggy
by gheorghe zamfir
All right, you guys ain't working as a team. I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The only way I'll reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.
-
May 21, 2005 6:23:17 PM CDT
Mr. Chappelle, what would it take to convince you that R. Kelly
by gheorghe zamfir
Okay, I'd have to see a video of him singing "Pee On You," two forms of government ID, a police officer there to verify the whole thing, four or five of my buddies and Neal taking notes, and R. Kelly's grandma to confirm his identity.
-
"Honky" is a racial epithet. It was made popular in the 1970s by a man named George Jefferson. You see, he and his wife owned a dry-cleaning business, so they moved on up to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky. They finally got a piece of the pie.
-
You see, I think beer just brings out the animal in ya. Now, I know that beer companies sponsor the show - I ain't talking about them. *Them* shits is delicious.
-
Good evening, bitches.
-
No, man. He made "Thriller"...thriller.
-
May 21, 2005 6:26:45 PM CDT
Negrodamus, why do white people like Wayne Brady so much?
by gheorghe zamfir
White people like Wayne Brady because he makes Brian Gumbel look like Malcolm X.
-
Yo, you'd better watch your's, white boy, before I shove these 'gators up your ass and show your insides some style.
-
May 21, 2005 6:27:56 PM CDT
Negrodamus, why is President Bush convinced there are weapons of
by gheorghe zamfir
Because he has the receipt.
-
If I had it my way, I'd never work. I'd sit at home, watch "Scarface" fifty times, eat sandwiches, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at school. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait for somebody to sit in it. Hear it go squish. That's funny to me.
-
May 21, 2005 6:29:22 PM CDT
Are you aware that Robert Blake has been accused of murdering hi
by gheorghe zamfir
Oh yeah. Baretta did that shit.
-
He took us back inside and made us pancakes. Pancakes.
-
In the past few weeks, Clayton Bigsby accepted the fact that he is a black man. And three days ago, he filed for divorce from his wife. When we asked "Why after 19 years of marriage?" He responded, "Because she's a nigger lover."
-
So? Some people like their cucumbers pickled.
-
Huh?
-
Huh?
-
May 21, 2005 6:32:05 PM CDT
What if I told you that the accusers correctly described Michael
by gheorghe zamfir
Sir, I have never seen Michael's alleged penis, but I bet you that I can describe it all right? Let me guess... there's a head, a shaft, some balls, hair - maybe pressed, permed hair, with glitter sprinkled on it.
-
No, it's not unreasonable. We're talking about a justice system that had 500 people whose cases were overturned by DNA evidence. I seen a tape where five cops beat up a nigga and they said that they had a reasonable doubt. I got my doubts too! All right? How come they never found Biggie and Tupac's murderers, but they could arrest O.J. the next day. Nicole Simpson can't rap!
-
May 21, 2005 6:34:43 PM CDT
Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers, and Orange Stars: that
by gheorghe zamfir
R. Kelly was pissed. No punchline to that. Nigga was pissed. He was all, "How could you go and make a video about peeing on someone?" Nigga, how could YOU go making a video about peeing on somebody?
-
You suck.
-
You suck.
-
Howard Stern rules
-
If you can read this you are a dork
-
Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl
-
We need more complaint cards
-
Hey!
-
You will go on a journey, happy long time
-
Matthew is a moron
-
No I'm not
-
Yes you are
-
No I'm not infinity
-
Yes you are infinity plus one
-
which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City"
-
You got peanut butter in my chocolate
-
You got chocolate in my peanut butter
-
Together they taste like crap
-
May 26, 2005 5:51:04 AM CDT
Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I like it
by gheorghe zamfir
Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I like it
-
May 26, 2005 5:51:36 AM CDT
I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so
by gheorghe zamfir
I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor
-
May 26, 2005 5:51:56 AM CDT
Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the
by gheorghe zamfir
SHAFT!
-
which is actually kinda funny
-
You got what you wanted from Dave, right? And then you snapped your legs shut like a well-oiled bear trap.
-
Look, it's only a birthday present. It just means I'm glad you didn't die partway through the year.
-
May 26, 2005 5:54:22 AM CDT
Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives yo
by gheorghe zamfir
Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for?"
-
May 26, 2005 5:56:22 AM CDT
In the following circuit, the potential is _____ volts.
by gheorghe zamfir
I refuse to answer the question on the grounds that the design of this circuit is totally sucky.
-
May 26, 2005 5:57:28 AM CDT
Dave, why don't you just ask Mr. James to buy him a car, too?
by gheorghe zamfir
Look, I'm no etiquette expert, but I think when someone is generous enough to give you six sports cars, it's in bad form to ask for a seventh.
-
Thanks for what, Jim? Thanks for being man enough to bear up to the curse of my overpowering machismo?
-
You're welcome, my friend. You are welcome.
-
May 26, 2005 5:58:32 AM CDT
If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you?
by gheorghe zamfir
If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they'd probably just get together and push me.
-
I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street. Many days no business comes to my hut. Jimmy has fear? A thousand times no. I never doubted myself for a minute, for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo...dung.
-
Oh yeah? Where were you last night at 3 A.M. when I was watching Steel Magnolias and crying my eyes out?
-
May 26, 2005 6:00:25 AM CDT
Hey I have an idea. I'll give up coffee, if you give up cigarett
by gheorghe zamfir
But you should have to give up something of equal difficulty. Like going to the bathroom.
-
I cried because I had no desk, until I met a man with no feet, and the no feet guy told me there was this thing called a budget, and WNYX was way over it.
-
Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."
-
You're from Wisconsin. You think artificial lighting is fascinating.
-
Or sweat it out. Yes, I know, sir. I just love advice that rhymes.
-
May 26, 2005 6:03:34 AM CDT
Be careful, Beth, because the stock market can be a cruel mistre
by gheorghe zamfir
Well, so can I, but that's not how I want to make my money any more.
-
May 26, 2005 6:03:49 AM CDT
I got so many lawyers lined up to see me today, you'd think I ha
by gheorghe zamfir
I got so many lawyers lined up to see me today, you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants.
-
May 26, 2005 6:04:09 AM CDT
I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like
by gheorghe zamfir
I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
-
May 26, 2005 6:04:41 AM CDT
Bill, have you ever heard the expression "It's easier to catch f
by gheorghe zamfir
Dave, have you ever heard the expression "Only a hillbilly sits around and tries to figure out the best way to catch flies"?
-
May 26, 2005 6:05:04 AM CDT
When Bill and Lisa combine their energies, their powers of persu
by gheorghe zamfir
Well, Dave... really, I appreciate your Dungeons and Dragons approach to office management, but I left my twelve-sided dice at home so I'll, uh, I'll just tell 'em, alright?
-
May 26, 2005 6:05:26 AM CDT
You can't take something off the Internet. It's like taking pee
by gheorghe zamfir
You can't take something off the Internet. It's like taking pee out of a swimming pool.
-
Beautiful means pretty and tall.
-
Pretty with great hair.
-
Pretty with a big nose.
-
Pretty and fat.
-
Pretty and easy.
-
Ugly.
-
May 26, 2005 6:08:10 AM CDT
It wasn't funny "ha ha", it was more funny "boo hoo, that totall
by gheorghe zamfir
It wasn't funny "ha ha", it was more funny "boo hoo, that totally sucked."
-
May 26, 2005 6:08:39 AM CDT
You know what it's like? It's like taking your daughter to the f
by gheorghe zamfir
Well how could she do that to me, Lisa? How could she... french her daddy?
-
I don't know, but I do know this. If Henry Ford and John Chrysler'd been sleeping together, Hell we'd be... we'd all be traveling around in horse buggies.
-
Why don't we go to the zoo a little later and shoot goats?
-
I used to own a dishwashing detergent, "Dandy Clean". It had the name that everyone knew and trusted, and it always sold really well. Then that whole break-dancing fad hit, and my advisers told me to change the name to stay hip. The company went under in less than a year.
-
Break-dancing Detergent.
-
Under Siege?
-
Under Siege 2?
-
Under Siege 3?
-
I don't think they made Under Siege 3.
-
May 26, 2005 6:15:08 AM CDT
I really hate to say this, but it is the thought that counts.
by gheorghe zamfir
Yeah, and these are the result of a really cheap, crappy thought.
-
May 26, 2005 6:15:57 AM CDT
C'mon sir, you've gotta have a few skeletons in your closet
by gheorghe zamfir
Oh, I've got skeletons running around eating leftovers from the fridge, but that doesn't mean you'll find anything.
-
May 26, 2005 6:16:18 AM CDT
My name is Catherine with a C, Katherine with a K is a 2 bit bik
by gheorghe zamfir
Like that cheap hussy Katherine Hepburn.
-
What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist, why don't you go club a few beavers?
-
I don't need none of yo' tired ass country club, ya freak bitch!
-
May 26, 2005 4:40:29 PM CDT
...even it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up
by gheorghe zamfir
Nothing wrong with that.
-
May 26, 2005 4:40:51 PM CDT
Oh, Ive been in the film business for a while, but I just cant s
by gheorghe zamfir
It's out of context.
-
Tobias! You blowhard.
-
May 26, 2005 4:41:58 PM CDT
I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run,
by gheorghe zamfir
There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.
-
No! I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
-
May 26, 2005 4:44:21 PM CDT
We do not - not wag our genitals at one another to make a point.
by gheorghe zamfir
Chanukah can be spelled so many ways! Oh God!
-
May 26, 2005 4:45:33 PM CDT
Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold T-shaped pe
by gheorghe zamfir
That's a cross.
-
Across from where?
-
May 26, 2005 4:47:55 PM CDT
Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
by gheorghe zamfir
He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.
-
He's going to be all right.
-
There's no other way to take that.
-
May 26, 2005 4:49:58 PM CDT
That's a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting thi
by gheorghe zamfir
But you said he was all right.
-
May 26, 2005 4:50:17 PM CDT
Yes, he's lost his left hand. So he's going to be "all right."
by gheorghe zamfir
You son of a bitch! I hate this doctor!
-
May 26, 2005 4:51:06 PM CDT
I use them to pay off the other guys to stop them from hollering
by gheorghe zamfir
That's all I've ever wanted from you, Daddy- for you to spend money on me.
-
May 26, 2005 4:51:58 PM CDT
Time for me to take off my receptionist skirt and put on my Barb
by gheorghe zamfir
What the hell are you talking about?
-
May 26, 2005 4:53:21 PM CDT
Oh, George, I should have never doubted you. Even when you slept
by gheorghe zamfir
Got her to stop drinking, didn't it?
-
May 26, 2005 4:58:44 PM CDT
Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution
by gheorghe zamfir
The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne acqusition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.
-
May 26, 2005 5:02:12 PM CDT
What do you think of when you hear the name, "Sudden Valley"?
by gheorghe zamfir
Salad dressing. But I don't want to eat it.
-
Yeah... that's better. I can see myself marinating a chicken in that.
-
She's not that Mexican, Mom, she's my Mexican. And she's Colombian or something.
-
There has got to be a better way to say that.
-
...well, he's my twin brother, I'll show you!
-
Talk me off.
-
Oh, George Michael! I thought you were...when's that voice gonna drop? Put Kitty on the phone.
-
I *deceived* you. "Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
-
I can't even fake the death of a stripper.
-
I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.
-
It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you.
-
You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
-
Michael? Michael!
-
No, I'm my sister's brother.You're in love with me? Me.
-
My brother-in-law?
-
May 26, 2005 5:14:12 PM CDT
I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the arm
by gheorghe zamfir
To be with your brother?
-
If I wanted something your thumb touched I'd eat the inside of your ear!
-
Michael, a magician never reveals... I sunk it! At least I think I sunk it. I mean, I blew it up and I don't see it anywhere.
-
May 26, 2005 5:19:25 PM CDT
Michael, you have a chance to save this family. Please, do the r
by gheorghe zamfir
The solution to all our problems is staring you in the face and it can't even see you!
-
May 26, 2005 5:19:46 PM CDT
Say what you want about America - thirteen bucks can still get y
by gheorghe zamfir
Who said anything about America?
-
Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money.
-
May 26, 2005 5:21:11 PM CDT
Mom wanted me to tell you she doesn't care whether you live or d
by gheorghe zamfir
Dammit! I hate the blue sweater!
-
Dammit! She's right!
-
May 26, 2005 5:22:35 PM CDT
I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medi
by gheorghe zamfir
I'll be in the hospital bar.
-
Well, this is why people hate hospitals.
-
It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. I'm sick of playing second fiddle. I'm always third in line for everything. I'm tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.
-
May 26, 2005 5:28:33 PM CDT
What have we always said is the most important thing?
by gheorghe zamfir
Breakfast
-
Oh, right. Family. I thought you meant of the things you eat
-
I recently came into some money, but unfortunately, I cant say how or where my wedding ring is...
-
I'm a moonnnsstteeeerrr!!
-
A CUNT.
-
really. really.
-
and flagrant disregard for personal safety.
He put a lot of time into this. And he is wearing a funny hat.
Therefore it is art. -
post in 2006.
-
is the one I released back into the ocean after giving it a taste for mammal blood.
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