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Clayton Bigsby on the new T&A extravaganza with Angelina Jolie called TAKING LIVES + a floater called ALONG CAME POLLY!
Hey folks, Harry here... I don't know about you, but I loved D.J. Caruso's last outing with THE SALTON SEA, but... following that film up with Ethan Hawke and Angelina Jolie... well, it's like getting laid with a tattoo saying EAT SHIT on your forehead... It could happen, just ain't easy. The films that Clayton Bigsby describes below are fairly awful sounding. TAKING LIVES is coming from Warner Brothers in late February... which again... isn't a good sign. And ALONG CAME POLLY is from the writer of the atrocious ZOOLANDER and is due out in January. Let's see how future reports go, but for now... BEWARE!!!
Clayton Bigsby here, back from a screening at the
Sherman Oaks Galleria. The film: TAKING LIVES.
The NRG guy let's us all know that we're the 'first
audience, anywhere' to see 'TAKING LIVES and that
they're going to be looking for people with audio and
video recording devices. They were searching bags at
the door and using detectors and there was even a
disclaimer on screen warning of prosecution for
recording the movie. People are pissed about this!!
Saw Mark Canton there too. He looked less than
impressed at the end.
Angelina Jolie is a FBI Profiler, who is hunting a
serial killer in Canada. Ethan Hawke is a witness, or
so we think at first, to a murder, that fits the
description of numerous unsolved murders in the area.
Keifer Sutherland is a character? Olivier Martinez is a french cop working
with Jolie. And the always awesome Tchecky
Karyo,though completely wasted, is another french cop.
Anyways, the plot is ludicrous. Nothing really makes
sense, and the script constantly thinks its clever
when its really not. The begining and the end feel
terribly disjointed.
There were two good things in this movie. First, and
foremost, ANGELINA JOLIE UNABASHEDLY SHOWS HER TITS IN
THIS MOVIE!!! She has a steamy sex scene with a fully
clothed Hawke (of course, men always keep their
clothes on in movie sex scenes!) and her amazing
ta-ta's are lovingly captured on screen NUMEROUS
times. She really is a hot as hell, though when was
she ever good in anything, honestly? GIA maybe.
The second strong point was Ethan Hawke, who despite a
floundering script, clearly had fun playing the
villian for the first time. He did a good job with
his character, and really impressed me with his
ability to be creepy. Its just too bad that he didn't
have a smarter script. After TRAINING DAY and this
movie, he has done some strong work of late.
The music we heard was all temp music, and it was just
atrocious. They kept on using the score for REQUIEM
FOR A DREAM and it just was terrible. In fact, the
song from REQUIEM that is used in the LOTR previews
was used during the sex scene, and produced some
howling from the audience. However, interestingly
enough, the NRG announcer stated at the beginning of
the movie that PHILIP GLASS would be doing the
original score to the film! I don't have any clue why
someone like Glass would want to score such a shit
burger like this, but whatever, he is a genius, and
maybe he can compose some creepy tunes to accompany
this train-wreck.
The ending is a mess, clearly not planned well at all.
The twist at the very end wants to be cool and smart
but just felt so stupid and obvious to me. But of
course, the audience loved it and rewarded the movie
with applause at the end. People are so stupid.
The movie was stylish at times. I credit director
D.J. Caruso (THE SALTON SEA) for at least trying to
spice the proceedings up a bit with some beautiful
extreme close ups and some generally arresting
visuals. But he fails misreably with the car chase at
the mid point of the movie, and everything that
happens plot wise feels so predetermined and routine
that it was all kind of boring. Jolie was average, as
was Mr. Hunk of the moment Martinez.
All in all, a bad movie. It won't do as bad as BEYOND
BORDERS, but its not gonna do much better I don't
think. BUT AGAIN, I REPEAT, ANGELINA JOLIE GRACIOUSLY
EXPOSES HER GORGEOUS MELONS MORE THAN ONCE in this
pile of shit.ALONG CAME POLLY
Clayton Bigsby here, back from a rally, with a review
for you. I caught a sneak in Sherman Oaks of ALONG
CAME POLLY last week but havent been compelled to
write anything because it sucked. But I was bored so
I thought I would give you a few words on it.
Yet another example of a bullshit, studio romantic
"comedy," ALONG CAME POLLY should be retitiled ALONG
CAME MY ASS CRACK.
Honestly, here we have Ben Stiller (who really needs
STARSKY AND HUTCH to open in like, 15 mintues) playing
another neurotiuc, self-loathing, "your dick is bigger
than my dick," priss of a guy who gets cheated on by
his outrageoulsy hot wife (in this case played by
Debra Messing, who really needs to get topless in
something) on their honeymoon. After a somewhat
amusing interlude with a nude (from the back side
only) scuba instructor played Hank Azaria, doing a
derivative charicature of a islander, Stiller finds
his wife getting banged by Azaria on his suba-diving
boat. Naturally, he flips out and heads back to New
York.
When Stiller gets back, he hooks up with his buddy,
played by Philip Seymour Hoffman (more on his
character in a minute) They go to a party and Stiller
re-connectes with an old girlfriend from middle school
named Polly, played by the outrageosuly hot Jenniffer
Anniston, who is a waitress at the party he is at.
They flirt and start going out. They fight a little
bit, they get mad at each other, and then there is a
scene with Stiller running in slow motion at the last
minute to get to Anniston before she skips town.
Messing's slutty wife predictably appears at the
begining of the second act, somewhat complicating
matters. But its a for gone conclusion that Stiller
and Aniston are going to be together in the end. It
doenst matter that I am spoiling it in this summary,
everyone knows it.
Man, did this film suck. It completely wastes
Hoffman, who seems to be riffing his own recent work
in PUNCH DRUNK LOVE. He now needs to be careful that
he he doesnt take these type of throwaway roles in
tons of studio movies. I love Hoffman and have for
years. I saw him on Broadway when he and John C
Reiley were in TRUE WEST. He is awesome. But here,
he is the worst he's ever been. The audience was in
dead slience during scenes that must have seemed funny
to the actors and filmmakers when they were filming.
He just yells and acts disgusting. Dont get me wrong,
I love stupid humor. I am totally immature and I love
sophomorinc antics. And there is, truth be told, one
hilarious line in the movie delivered by Hoffman. But
for such a funny and awesome actor to be wasted like
this, it's a crime.
I am now officially sick of Ben Stiller I think. I
mean, Derek Zoolander is one of the best characters in
film history, and Greg Focker had his moments, but
Stiller is begining to irk me. I like him when he is
surrounded with other morns who egg him on, because
when he acts like an ass, he's fantastic. Here, he is
painfully restricted, and reduced to gags and
situational comedy that is now so played out. For
instance, Stiller's characters has a disease called
IBS, or Irritible Bowel Syndrome. After eating out
with Anniston at a nasty ethnic restaurant in the
movie, hsi character proceeds to get the shits at her
apartment and then flood the toilet and get caught
with his pants around his ankles, and so on and so
son. After DUPLEX and the shelved ENVY (I have head
DISASTROUS things about this movie), Stiller needs a
shot in the arm.
Aniston has been good once (THE GOOD GIRL) and
serviceable everything other time. She is fucking
hot though, and sports a sexy tatoo right abover her
ass and is seen in skimpy shorts in a few scenes. She
is such a piece of ass that I forgive her for not
seeming very into the film in some sequences. At
times, she seemed like she was phoning in her scenes
from her trailer.
I was moderatley entertained by this movie. There is
a one great comedic scene, in which Stiller and
Anniston have sex. It's the funniest scene I have
seen in a long time, and is worth seeking out when
ALONG CAME POLLY hits HBO. The voiceover that Stiller
gives when he is getting it on with Anniston is
PRICELESS. But beyond that, this movie was a waste of
time and talent.
ALONG CAME POLLY was directed by John Hamburg, one of
the co-writers of MEET THE PARENTS and ZOOLANDER, two
vastly better comedies. Hamburg lacks any sense of
directoral panache and imbues the film with no sort of
visual personality. His DP, Seamus McGarvey, brings
nothing to the table. McGravey has done solid studio
work for years (THE HOURS and HIGH FIDELITY) so I was
kind of surprised at how pedestrian the whole movie
seemed. Doesn't anyone watch dailies? Hamburgs script
is cliche beyond belief and relies on so many over
used bits, that it definitley begins to feel like this
was an early effort in his career and now that he got
some clout with the success of PARENTS, he got to
direct this piece of shit.
So, did I like it? ALONG CAME POLLY was like watching
shit that had been smeared on film stock and then run
through a dim-bulbed projector.
--Clayton Bigsby
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+ Expand All
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I'm freakin' THERE man.
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I'm there too.... Damn too many hotties.
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These are not reviews they are synopis's. On the off chance I actually wanted to see on of these films it would have been nice not to have been the entire fucking story. Thanks for the SPOILER warning there Harry.
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When I think of Angelina
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Please don't kill me or ban me....I got a little out of control....I promise to clean up the mess later.....And thus, I made a mess! - - - George, The 7th Chicken!!!!
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...prefer Angelina Jolie for their first potential lesbian experience almost 3:1 versus all other leading first lesbian experience candidates. Ohhh to be a woman (or a man). *friendswithbenefits.com*
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Nov 17, 2003 9:54:28 AM CST
You guys seen that video online where Jolie gets her big butthol
by deathstroke
Me neither. Damn shame.
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Nov 17, 2003 10:00:44 AM CST
JUST BECAUSE HE THINKS IT BLOWS DOESN"T EXCUSE THE LACK OF SPOIL
by fish tank
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Nice body, perhaps, but that face is frightening. It's like having a mound of delicious french-vanilla ice cream topped with a fresh, steaming dog turd. Icky. Hey, I like tits as much as the next guy, but seeing that frightening face covered with sweat whilst in the throes of passion would instantly scare away any possibility of an orgasm.
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First, a huge spoiler in a movie I wasn't going to see anyway, but still. Then, an article about that most despicable of Hollywood products, the "uptight guy meets hippie chick who teaches him to mellow out, take a huge pay cut, and fire up a spliff for a change" movie. Why is corporate Hollywood so sold on this hippie romanticism? I always picture some guy in a Jaguar barking into is cell phone, "Hey, let's make another 'it's enlightened to be a slacker' movie! The great unwashed love that shit!"
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What about a little spoiler warning there, you cunts? For fuck's sake, i wanted to see Taking Lives. Salton Sea was absolutley great, too.
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Ben Stiller Rules!
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The movie looks funny, but Ben Stiller plays the same fucking oaf in every movie!
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or gay if you wouldn't want to bump uglies with Deb
http://www.usaweekend.com/99_issues/990919/990919gallery2.html -
Anybody who doesn't think the two of them are hot have serious issues....
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Nov 17, 2003 2:48:41 PM CST
Sigh, every new Angelina Jolie movie that comes out just makes m
by 007-11
I really hope "World of Tomorrow" is fantastic. I'm sick of reading these negative reviews for her movies. I can't say they don't deserve them though. It just kills me to see her talent wasted. I'm not just throwing some credit her way because she's one of the most fantastic looking women on the planet. She actually has the abilities to pull off a great performance, but all the movies she's in are terrible. She's been lucky so far, but "Beyond Borders" seems to have been too easy a target for critics. They used to refer to her as an under-utilized resource, but in "Beyond Borders" they trashed her. It's really unfortunate.
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...maybe two--it's not attractive to see a woman's RIBCAGE right below her COLLARBONES. You know what I mean? Bottom of the ribcage = good. TOP of the ribcage = sign of illness. A little too concentration-camp for my personal tastes. And judging by the linked photo, she needs to wash her feet. Also, her face is bumpy. I don't really have any opinion on this topic, though.
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BAD BOYS 2 must have killed more of your brain cells than I initially expected. ZOOLANDER is hilarious. Star/director Stiller rolled the dice on a Stephen Chow-esque comedy focusing on a character who isn't particularly likable, with lots of random, bizzare tangents like the gasoline fight and the mere presence of Billy Zane. Nobody was in the mood for this movie that soon after 9/11, though. Will Ferrell is great as Mugatu. Nice widescreen cinematography as well, all too rare in comedies. This movie isn't quite as underrated as FREDDY GOT FINGERED, but then again it didn't provoke the critical loathing of FGF, either. And MTV is still butchering VOLCANO HIGH and sending it straight to cable in the USA. Pass it on.
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Nov 17, 2003 4:30:21 PM CST
Forget the cracker, get Debra Messing some sammiches. Big, Dagwo
by big bad clone
Remeber her when she had some meat on her back on Ned and Stacy or her Seifeld guest spots? She was dead sexy.
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Now look, sure I agree that Angelina's primary appeal is her image as the hot girl who would eat your wife out while you give her a golden shower, but she's also a decent, sometimes very good, actress. Her work in "Girl Interrupted" was actually rather nuanced, thought admittedly it helps that she's already crazy. To call her Cuba Gooding, Jr. is flat out insulting - she'd make a horrible retard. The only thing she has in common with Marisa Tomei is the fact I've whacked off to images of both of them. Let's get real. And as for those who find Jennifer Aniston a "horse face" and Angelina "Grotesque", shut the fuck up. Unless you are Halle Berry or Pam Anderson, you've got no business making such ridiculous statements.
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Nov 17, 2003 5:37:31 PM CST
It is really sad when it gets to the point that some talkbackers
by tequilaworm
Her lips were made by the almighty himself...and what about her titties?!!! mmmmm niples. You fuckers are more sad than some watered down Tequila. The worm knows! CHEERS Amigos!
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maybe they can "carry" the movie eh? (nudge nudge) And Debra Messing is cute in the face, but someone give her a ham sandwich; she's as flat as a 10 year old boy.
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serial killer... in canada? is that possible? i heard they had a murder there a few years back, so i guess it is possible. angelina jolie as an FBI profiler??? uhhh... yeah, whatever.
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Nov 17, 2003 8:49:54 PM CST
Don't count on any nudity in the final cut--those scenes are jus
by frankdrebin
Remember that tantalizing AICN review of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos in ROLLERBALL? And what happened?
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now we know why ethan got dumped. thank you angelina, thank you for freeing up uma thurman so i can croon in a stalker-esque fashion outside her bedroom window, and not have an angry man come out with a shotgun this time.
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What steaming pile of crap ... those have to be the two worst-written reviews I've ever read in my mostly happy existence on this planet. I didn't realisethat constant self-contradiction had become a valid method of criticism. If that's the case then it seems that I too can become a film critic.
What a waste ... -
I mean, apart from being in the Simpsons, does he really have enough pull to get either Debra Messing or Catherine Zeta Jones?
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The movie was hilarious. The funniest scene in the film wasn't the sex scene, it was Hoffman's mad skillz baskeball player. "RAINDANCE", "WHITE CHOCOLATE", "OLD SCHOOL!" This is again why movies shouldn't be reviewed WHEN THEY'RE FUCKING SNEAK PEAKS THAT STILL HAVE SOME EDITING TO GO YET YOU MORONS!
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