Batman & Robin. The review many of you have been waiting for. As always, I won't


spoil the plot, and I won't give away any secrets, but I will tell you how it felt to watch


this fil... thing.

No big drama involved with getting the tickets this time, I secured them from the coolest


cat (yes, I am kissing ass) in town. He scored them from someone who is in the know.


The mix of things if you will. The typical secret envelope with my name on it, and a pass


for Batman & Robin.

Flash forward to 5am this morning. I get an email from a Brit making me aware of the


GQ article on me. I howl with laughter of the thought of me, Harry Knowles, mentioned


in GENTLEMEN'S QUARTERLY. Somewhere, someone is screaming. I fall asleep


excited about the oncoming coolness, or lack thereof, to come in a mere 14 hours. I sleep


for 5 of those hours. I wake up, check the net, and go for drinks. The drink of choice


was Dr Pepper. I show my father the GQ article, and we howl together in laughter. Me?


A Gentlemen? "They don't know me too well dood they?" We pick up my sister and eat


pizza. Alot of pizza. When I get home, my email box alerts me that I am now on MTV's


site. Turns out they are comparing me favorably to Walter Winchell and Edward R


Murrow. Two gods of mine, I'm just a kid in a back bedroom somewhere trying to let the


world in on film, not battling the mafia or Nazis by unveiling their horror for what it is. Of


course I am unveiling Batman & Robin. Beyond that the comparison to those giants is


near blasphemy. I do appreciate the praise though, it did bring a dose of the big head for


about 10 minutes or so.

Then it was time to go to the theater. The journey to the theater was uneventful. We


were the first to arrive, and we staked our claim at the front of the line. I'm excited,


beyond all the bad press I've given the film, there is still the eternal optimist harboring the


hope that the 100 or so terrible reviews I have received were false. That Variety's charge


of a BLAND Batman film was ill placed. Afterall, no film could be as bad as SPEED 2


and be shown to me within a week, right? RIGHT?

The line turned into a mob. All semblance of order was brushed aside by the chaos of the


film before us. A seemingly endless crowd pushed and shoved. Yet when they let us in,


the theater was only 2/3s full for a FREE SNEAK of BATMAN & ROBIN. Hell, last


week SPEED 2 was packed, and that was a larger auditorium. T-shirts, posters, frisbees,


keychains and CDs were hurled violently at the excited crowd. People leaping, screaming,


clawing and grabbing. It is a vicious scene. I'm laughing. I'm having a blast. This is what


I wanted. People excited, people that didn't know, didn't know what they were about to


see.

The trailers began.

WILD AMERICA - a truly scary film, that seems to be telling the youth of America and


the world to tell your parents to screw off, and take your younger siblings out into the


wilderness, military testing zones, all for the sake of filming snakes, horses and a bear.


Please make it go away.

GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE - a trailer that seems to have lost all momentum from that


short trailer that was just images cut to the song. As my friend, Glen, groaned in agony


next to me, I said, "You did hear they were going to do a DUDLEY DO-RIGHT


feature?" If he had had food in his stomach, the girl in front of him would have looked


like a Carmen Miranda but with slimy digested food oozing from her hair. He looks ill.

SIMPLE WISH - My God, they are getting worse. I formulate a theory that Warners is


trying to brainwash the audience with terrible trailers, in order to make BATMAN &


ROBIN look good. Glen howls in laughter. We're in a good mood. By the way, man this


one looks reeeaaaalllll bad.

CONSPIRACY THEORY - Ahh, I hadn't seen this trailer yet! I'm all smiling, but as the


trailer begins I realize that I understand why it moved from AIR FORCE ONE's playdate.


The trailer starts off looking bad, and pulls it together to make for a halfway interesting


film. I'll see it, but personally I think SNEAKERS will be the better film.

CONTACT - I love this trailer. The stillness of the audience. The complete focus upon


the screen, the actors, the sounds. I'm there. I want to be watching that movie right this


second. Everyone and everything about the project looks right based on the script. The


movie will be great.

THEN THE GENERAL CINEMA'S SELF CANABALIZING SNACKS watch a


SNACK BAND play, this the mystical lens floats into the sky emblazoned with a magical


General Cinema symbol. Pretentious spot, long and tedious. I wanna see the BAT!!!

THE THX TRAILER - the "Mario" one, you know the jetpack guy. I love this one.


Also, ahhhhhhhhhhhh, that digital THX sound. Fantastic. Well, I'm certainly going to


hear this movie.

Now for the film, the feature presentation. As the opening titles begin, it is as if every


description of every screening I have heard of, were true. Extreme excitement. Shouting,


Cheering, Celebrating. Then JOEL SHUMACHER's name falls upon the screen, and the


sounds of BOOS fill the theater. Not one came from me or my friends. This came from


the theater. As if some sort of cosmic Harry-spore had been injected into them. BOOS


for the director, I'm not familiar with this phenomenon. Has this happened before?

Folks, I'm going to tell you to do something hideious, something against my better


judgement, but I simply have to tell you to see BATMAN & ROBIN. Why? After all my


screams of agony, of pain, or mistrust of Joel Schumacher? Because no matter how bad


you have heard this film is, nothing can prepare you for the sheer glorius travesty of the


200-megaton bomb of a film this is. This film is so bad, so awful, so vanity ridden with


horrible over the top performances, that nothing I can say, can prepare you for it. You


don't have to see it this weekend, in fact it's probably best if you didn't, but I suggest you


see it during the week at some early matinee, or better yet a midnight show. Yes, this is a


midnight movie. The sort of flick that cries out for vengence. Joel Schumacher should


not under any possible circumstances direct another one. This film will fill you with


disbelief and rage if you are a long standing BATMAN fan, if you aren't, you'll be bored.


On the page before people mentioned Clockwork Orange and Max Headroom references,


well there is even a BARBARELLA reference in here too. Do they cause a smile? More


like a smirk. However, the most shocking cameo I saw was something I couldn't believe.


Did you ever see FLESH GORDON? No, not FLESH GORDON AND THE COSMIC


CHEERLEADERS, but the original film, which I kinda like? Well, the spaceship that


looks like a curved dildo that sparks away from the planet? I swear to god, that that is


FREEZE's ship. My friend, and battle companion Glen, recognized it instantly and we


turned and in unison said, "That's Flesh Gordon's Spaceship!!!" We smiled, shook our


heads and continued to watch.

Who are the survivors of this, the worst Batman film? George Clooney manages to


weather the storm with minor cuts and bruises. Michael Gough seems to look like he


actually is acting, despite the film around him. Everyone else is absolutely the worst they


have ever been. Arnold has never been in a film this bad and inconsistant in tone.


HERCULES GOES BANANAS is at least somewhat balanced in tone. His performance


if you could call it that, was TERRIBLE. He was the best of the TERRIBLE


performances though. UMA was so bad, so awful, my friend and I literally grabbed vainly


in front off us, as if in some desperate hope to rip her violently off the screen. Get her out


of the film, she is HORRENDOUS. Is it all her fault oooooooooh


nooooooooooooooooo. Eliot Goldenthal (with Schumacher's insistence I'm sure) came


up with the BRILLIANT idea to put sleazy saxophone music as her theme. You know,


did you see THE SPECIALIST? You know the shower scene, where Stallone and Stone


begin making love and out of nowhere comes hurtling at our ears the terrible waning of


out of tune saxophones screaming out. Well, they used saxophones much better in that,


than in this. Her theme hurt not only an already terrible performance, but contaminates


the rest of film too.

Ok, enough enough harping on the film, you want here what the audience did? Without


some sort of speech from me, or a sign beneath the film saying RUN HOME RUN NOW!!


They did that exactly. In almost perfect 5 minute intervals beginning at the 15 minute


mark of the film they began their exodus. First unrelated individuals, then couples, then


families. My friend Glen pleaded, cried into my shoulder, "DAMMIT LET ME THE


FUCK OUT HERE, I CAN'T HANDLE ANY MORE OF THIS!!" Oh no, it wasn't


gonna be that easy for him. He doesn't even think it's a bomb in the watchable sense, but


then he hadn't seen SPEED 2 the week before.

To me, this is Star Trek 5. But let me explain that. This is a much worse film for the


following reasons. Shatner had the budget cut by 40% during the course of filmmaking,


Schumacher had the entire sources of one of the best studios behind him. He had a good


script. He had the right cast. He destroyed this film. He directed the normally fun and


enjoyable actors to act as if they were pumped up on amphetimines and chased it with


exotic hallucinagens. These people are lost. Only Clooney, Gough, and possibly


O'Donnell (though he stunk up the room pretty bad) seem somewhat immune. Alicia,


well, she's Alicia.

Kids were not excited by this film, often times SCREAMING could be heard. You know


the sound a kid makes when a parent is forcing them to STAY IN THEIR SEAT. Hey


what type of movie makes you wanna get out of your seat? When I was kid, watching


those SUPERMAN films you couldn't pry me from my seat. In fact nothing could remove


me from the theater. Even the worst of that series, doesn't begin to compare. Mr


Fingernails would kick Arnold's ass any day of the week. As for female villians URSA and


Catwoman would whoop IVY's rear (description of rear deleted for fear of offending


those with less than adequate toned butts)!!!

This film has that, oh how do I do this? Ok, here I go. "Oh WOW that's kinda.. AWW


MAN THAT SUCKS!!!" You see what I'm getting at? You almost get the thought out


that something you glimpsed on screen was cool, then instantly without reason that


coolness is jerked away and replaced with a hidieous wormy Uma voice. Her voice.


Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. This voice could scare men out of the trenches in


a war. The defense department should study it. The voice would make a straight guy go


gay, I heard that after the screening from an anonymous source.

Speaking of after the film, the casualty victims, the audience, stood in front of the theater


with stunned looks of disbelief. You know that look on people's faces in ATOMIC


CAFE? The survivors of Hiroshima? I saw that stare again. The pain. The agony. The


wish to make it all go away. The masochist in me loved it. I had attended a train wreck


and sat third row center. Far more effective than the one in THE FUGITIVE this is what


I saw. This is honest. I love Batman, I was even wearing a BATMAN & ROBIN tie to


the screening. I didn't try to convince anyone this film was going to be awful. Instead I


was like WANG in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA. You know, "I've got a real


positive feeling about this." I did, it's true. I had resolved myself to watching the 60's


Adam West Batman series brought to life with the full cooperation of Hollywood. What I


saw, can not be explained. Why do people make ugly things? Is it stupidity, is it


ignorance I don't know. Maybe this film is beautiful in a Ed Wood way. Maybe


Schumacher is like that kindergarten child with fingerpaints doing portraits of mommy and


daddy. When you see those fingerpaints you say, ooooh Joel, that's nice, but inside you


look at the indiscenable mixtures of colors forming vague shapes and wonder what the hell


your kid was thinking. You put it on the fridge, and then one day it's in the closet being


eaten by roaches and rats. This is that film. The one that gathers dust and fades away.


Let it fade.