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Batman & Robin review
Batman & Robin. The review many of you have been waiting for. As always, I won't
spoil the plot, and I won't give away any secrets, but I will tell you how it felt to watch
this fil... thing.
No big drama involved with getting the tickets this time, I secured them from the coolest
cat (yes, I am kissing ass) in town. He scored them from someone who is in the know.
The mix of things if you will. The typical secret envelope with my name on it, and a pass
for Batman & Robin.
Flash forward to 5am this morning. I get an email from a Brit making me aware of the
GQ article on me. I howl with laughter of the thought of me, Harry Knowles, mentioned
in GENTLEMEN'S QUARTERLY. Somewhere, someone is screaming. I fall asleep
excited about the oncoming coolness, or lack thereof, to come in a mere 14 hours. I sleep
for 5 of those hours. I wake up, check the net, and go for drinks. The drink of choice
was Dr Pepper. I show my father the GQ article, and we howl together in laughter. Me?
A Gentlemen? "They don't know me too well dood they?" We pick up my sister and eat
pizza. Alot of pizza. When I get home, my email box alerts me that I am now on MTV's
site. Turns out they are comparing me favorably to Walter Winchell and Edward R
Murrow. Two gods of mine, I'm just a kid in a back bedroom somewhere trying to let the
world in on film, not battling the mafia or Nazis by unveiling their horror for what it is. Of
course I am unveiling Batman & Robin. Beyond that the comparison to those giants is
near blasphemy. I do appreciate the praise though, it did bring a dose of the big head for
about 10 minutes or so.
Then it was time to go to the theater. The journey to the theater was uneventful. We
were the first to arrive, and we staked our claim at the front of the line. I'm excited,
beyond all the bad press I've given the film, there is still the eternal optimist harboring the
hope that the 100 or so terrible reviews I have received were false. That Variety's charge
of a BLAND Batman film was ill placed. Afterall, no film could be as bad as SPEED 2
and be shown to me within a week, right? RIGHT?
The line turned into a mob. All semblance of order was brushed aside by the chaos of the
film before us. A seemingly endless crowd pushed and shoved. Yet when they let us in,
the theater was only 2/3s full for a FREE SNEAK of BATMAN & ROBIN. Hell, last
week SPEED 2 was packed, and that was a larger auditorium. T-shirts, posters, frisbees,
keychains and CDs were hurled violently at the excited crowd. People leaping, screaming,
clawing and grabbing. It is a vicious scene. I'm laughing. I'm having a blast. This is what
I wanted. People excited, people that didn't know, didn't know what they were about to
see.
The trailers began.
WILD AMERICA - a truly scary film, that seems to be telling the youth of America and
the world to tell your parents to screw off, and take your younger siblings out into the
wilderness, military testing zones, all for the sake of filming snakes, horses and a bear.
Please make it go away.
GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE - a trailer that seems to have lost all momentum from that
short trailer that was just images cut to the song. As my friend, Glen, groaned in agony
next to me, I said, "You did hear they were going to do a DUDLEY DO-RIGHT
feature?" If he had had food in his stomach, the girl in front of him would have looked
like a Carmen Miranda but with slimy digested food oozing from her hair. He looks ill.
SIMPLE WISH - My God, they are getting worse. I formulate a theory that Warners is
trying to brainwash the audience with terrible trailers, in order to make BATMAN &
ROBIN look good. Glen howls in laughter. We're in a good mood. By the way, man this
one looks reeeaaaalllll bad.
CONSPIRACY THEORY - Ahh, I hadn't seen this trailer yet! I'm all smiling, but as the
trailer begins I realize that I understand why it moved from AIR FORCE ONE's playdate.
The trailer starts off looking bad, and pulls it together to make for a halfway interesting
film. I'll see it, but personally I think SNEAKERS will be the better film.
CONTACT - I love this trailer. The stillness of the audience. The complete focus upon
the screen, the actors, the sounds. I'm there. I want to be watching that movie right this
second. Everyone and everything about the project looks right based on the script. The
movie will be great.
THEN THE GENERAL CINEMA'S SELF CANABALIZING SNACKS watch a
SNACK BAND play, this the mystical lens floats into the sky emblazoned with a magical
General Cinema symbol. Pretentious spot, long and tedious. I wanna see the BAT!!!
THE THX TRAILER - the "Mario" one, you know the jetpack guy. I love this one.
Also, ahhhhhhhhhhhh, that digital THX sound. Fantastic. Well, I'm certainly going to
hear this movie.
Now for the film, the feature presentation. As the opening titles begin, it is as if every
description of every screening I have heard of, were true. Extreme excitement. Shouting,
Cheering, Celebrating. Then JOEL SHUMACHER's name falls upon the screen, and the
sounds of BOOS fill the theater. Not one came from me or my friends. This came from
the theater. As if some sort of cosmic Harry-spore had been injected into them. BOOS
for the director, I'm not familiar with this phenomenon. Has this happened before?
Folks, I'm going to tell you to do something hideious, something against my better
judgement, but I simply have to tell you to see BATMAN & ROBIN. Why? After all my
screams of agony, of pain, or mistrust of Joel Schumacher? Because no matter how bad
you have heard this film is, nothing can prepare you for the sheer glorius travesty of the
200-megaton bomb of a film this is. This film is so bad, so awful, so vanity ridden with
horrible over the top performances, that nothing I can say, can prepare you for it. You
don't have to see it this weekend, in fact it's probably best if you didn't, but I suggest you
see it during the week at some early matinee, or better yet a midnight show. Yes, this is a
midnight movie. The sort of flick that cries out for vengence. Joel Schumacher should
not under any possible circumstances direct another one. This film will fill you with
disbelief and rage if you are a long standing BATMAN fan, if you aren't, you'll be bored.
On the page before people mentioned Clockwork Orange and Max Headroom references,
well there is even a BARBARELLA reference in here too. Do they cause a smile? More
like a smirk. However, the most shocking cameo I saw was something I couldn't believe.
Did you ever see FLESH GORDON? No, not FLESH GORDON AND THE COSMIC
CHEERLEADERS, but the original film, which I kinda like? Well, the spaceship that
looks like a curved dildo that sparks away from the planet? I swear to god, that that is
FREEZE's ship. My friend, and battle companion Glen, recognized it instantly and we
turned and in unison said, "That's Flesh Gordon's Spaceship!!!" We smiled, shook our
heads and continued to watch.
Who are the survivors of this, the worst Batman film? George Clooney manages to
weather the storm with minor cuts and bruises. Michael Gough seems to look like he
actually is acting, despite the film around him. Everyone else is absolutely the worst they
have ever been. Arnold has never been in a film this bad and inconsistant in tone.
HERCULES GOES BANANAS is at least somewhat balanced in tone. His performance
if you could call it that, was TERRIBLE. He was the best of the TERRIBLE
performances though. UMA was so bad, so awful, my friend and I literally grabbed vainly
in front off us, as if in some desperate hope to rip her violently off the screen. Get her out
of the film, she is HORRENDOUS. Is it all her fault oooooooooh
nooooooooooooooooo. Eliot Goldenthal (with Schumacher's insistence I'm sure) came
up with the BRILLIANT idea to put sleazy saxophone music as her theme. You know,
did you see THE SPECIALIST? You know the shower scene, where Stallone and Stone
begin making love and out of nowhere comes hurtling at our ears the terrible waning of
out of tune saxophones screaming out. Well, they used saxophones much better in that,
than in this. Her theme hurt not only an already terrible performance, but contaminates
the rest of film too.
Ok, enough enough harping on the film, you want here what the audience did? Without
some sort of speech from me, or a sign beneath the film saying RUN HOME RUN NOW!!
They did that exactly. In almost perfect 5 minute intervals beginning at the 15 minute
mark of the film they began their exodus. First unrelated individuals, then couples, then
families. My friend Glen pleaded, cried into my shoulder, "DAMMIT LET ME THE
FUCK OUT HERE, I CAN'T HANDLE ANY MORE OF THIS!!" Oh no, it wasn't
gonna be that easy for him. He doesn't even think it's a bomb in the watchable sense, but
then he hadn't seen SPEED 2 the week before.
To me, this is Star Trek 5. But let me explain that. This is a much worse film for the
following reasons. Shatner had the budget cut by 40% during the course of filmmaking,
Schumacher had the entire sources of one of the best studios behind him. He had a good
script. He had the right cast. He destroyed this film. He directed the normally fun and
enjoyable actors to act as if they were pumped up on amphetimines and chased it with
exotic hallucinagens. These people are lost. Only Clooney, Gough, and possibly
O'Donnell (though he stunk up the room pretty bad) seem somewhat immune. Alicia,
well, she's Alicia.
Kids were not excited by this film, often times SCREAMING could be heard. You know
the sound a kid makes when a parent is forcing them to STAY IN THEIR SEAT. Hey
what type of movie makes you wanna get out of your seat? When I was kid, watching
those SUPERMAN films you couldn't pry me from my seat. In fact nothing could remove
me from the theater. Even the worst of that series, doesn't begin to compare. Mr
Fingernails would kick Arnold's ass any day of the week. As for female villians URSA and
Catwoman would whoop IVY's rear (description of rear deleted for fear of offending
those with less than adequate toned butts)!!!
This film has that, oh how do I do this? Ok, here I go. "Oh WOW that's kinda.. AWW
MAN THAT SUCKS!!!" You see what I'm getting at? You almost get the thought out
that something you glimpsed on screen was cool, then instantly without reason that
coolness is jerked away and replaced with a hidieous wormy Uma voice. Her voice.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. This voice could scare men out of the trenches in
a war. The defense department should study it. The voice would make a straight guy go
gay, I heard that after the screening from an anonymous source.
Speaking of after the film, the casualty victims, the audience, stood in front of the theater
with stunned looks of disbelief. You know that look on people's faces in ATOMIC
CAFE? The survivors of Hiroshima? I saw that stare again. The pain. The agony. The
wish to make it all go away. The masochist in me loved it. I had attended a train wreck
and sat third row center. Far more effective than the one in THE FUGITIVE this is what
I saw. This is honest. I love Batman, I was even wearing a BATMAN & ROBIN tie to
the screening. I didn't try to convince anyone this film was going to be awful. Instead I
was like WANG in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA. You know, "I've got a real
positive feeling about this." I did, it's true. I had resolved myself to watching the 60's
Adam West Batman series brought to life with the full cooperation of Hollywood. What I
saw, can not be explained. Why do people make ugly things? Is it stupidity, is it
ignorance I don't know. Maybe this film is beautiful in a Ed Wood way. Maybe
Schumacher is like that kindergarten child with fingerpaints doing portraits of mommy and
daddy. When you see those fingerpaints you say, ooooh Joel, that's nice, but inside you
look at the indiscenable mixtures of colors forming vague shapes and wonder what the hell
your kid was thinking. You put it on the fridge, and then one day it's in the closet being
eaten by roaches and rats. This is that film. The one that gathers dust and fades away.
Let it fade.
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+ Expand All
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May 27, 2000 6:29:20 AM CDT
The worst movie ever is still "Plan 9 From Outer Space". This is
by andymation
That's right Harry, this film is a fucking mistake. After watching it Geroge Clooney called it "Batman On Ice". He was right. Damn it, Schumacher! You stole my money. I thought I was going to see the follow-up to "Batman Forever". This doesn't follow up at all! What a completely annoyingly wacky and just plain stupid script. The way Poison Ivy became Posion Ivy it's the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. Where the hell is the dark mood that was present in the other movies????? I can't believe that this film actually was made by the same guy who did "Falling Down"!!!!Now, Harry, I don't like you saying "Alicia. Well, she's just Alicia." OK, she stunk up the place in this one, but she was good in "The Crush". Don't even try top argue with me about that!!!! If the one who reads this haven't seen this movie. Don't! It's not even bad enough to be unwanted funny....
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the sewers belch me up
the heavens spit me out
from ethers tragic i am born again
and now i'm with you now
inside your world of wow
to move in desires made of deadly pretends
'til the end times begin
is it bright where you are
have the people changed
does it make you happy you're so strange
and in your darkest hour, i hold secrets flame
you can watch the world devoured in it's pain
strange
climb my ribcage to
the replays run for you
unhook my lights to peek behind the flash
for i am crystal chrome
i am shatter dome
i am kremlin king of angels avenged
to destroy the end
is it bright where you are
have the people changed
does it make you happy you're so strange
and in your darkest hour, i hold secrets flame
you can watch the world devoured in it's pain
the zeppelins rain upon us
the guns of love disastrous
a shadow lies amongst you
to defy the future cast
is it bright where you are
have the people changed
does it make you happy you're so strange
and in your darkest hour, i hold secrets flame
you can watch the world devoured in it's pain
strange
strange
-
send a heartbeat to the void that cries through you
relive the pictures that have come to pass
for now we stand alone
the world is lost and blown
and we are flesh and blood disintigrate
with no more to hate
is it bright where you are?
and have the people changed?
does it make you happy you're so strange?
and in your darkest hour, i hold secrets flame
we can watch the world devoured in its pain
delivered from the blast
the last of a line of lasts
the pale princess of a palace cracked
and now the kingdom comes
crashing down undone
and i am a master of a nothing place
of recoil and grace
is it bright where you are?
and have the people changed?
does it make you happy you're so strange?
and in your darkest hour, i hold secrets flame
we can watch the world devoured in its pain
time has stopped before us
the sky cannot ignore us
no one can separate us
for we are all that is left
the echo bounces off me
the shadow lost beside me
there's no more need to pretend
cause now i can begin again
is it bright where you are?
and have the people changed?
does it make you happy you're so strange?
and in your darkest hour, i hold secrets flame
we can watch the world devoured in its pain
strange
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Oct 30, 2000 1:01:13 AM CST
best part about this movie is when they play Smashing Pumpkins a
by tall_boy
2 Reasons: #1 The Smashing Pumpkins fucking rule. and #2 THE MOVIE IS OVER!!!
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Well I have to go because the Delorean is almost running out of Gas. But I will say this B&R was the worst Summer Movie Experience in my life the disturbing sexual innuendo between Batman and Robin and the Nipples on the Costume scarred me for life. And experience that will not be repeated until 3 years from now when the great "Battlefield Earth" hits the screen. And don't get me started on the marvel that will be the Summer of 2001.
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Dec 29, 2002 1:58:06 PM CST
Man, reading that review made me relive the horror of that cellu
by neofromthematrix
Batman & Robin makes Battlefield earth seem somewhat remotely watchable. Harry, you rule, you always have ruled, and even though you have turned into a major starfucker in recent times (not to mention the AOTC incident and the ongoing feud with Moriarty), you always shall continue to rule, in your own unsual way.
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The best part of this piece of crap, was when the credits rolled, and the screen went black and the house lights came up. I can't believe I lost two hours of my life to this pile of dog shit!
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Behold, I have returned. The flick is on CITY right now at 2 AM. Jesse the Body is in it to
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I was sixteen and I really, really enjoyed it...fast forward a year later to when I bought this on video...and I still liked it. A year on from that and my third viewing of the film made me realise that when I was younger..I was failed to understand the comedy potential of this movie which I now detest.
-
Mind you he wa the only thing good in this. And Alicia Silverstone sounded like she was having an orgasm on every take.
-
.....the summer of 2003 when J.Ho & Daredevil relesed the Terrible film entitled GIGLI!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
May 12, 2005 3:46:50 AM CDT
Heh, so this is the review that launched AICN into infamy
by gheorghe zamfir
I hope this review is brought back to our attention when Batman Begins comes out.
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Jun 17, 2005 5:19:01 AM CDT
After seeing Batman Begins, we need to thank this movie...
by blindambition238
If Batman and Robin wasn't (one of?) the worst things to be put on film, WB would of probably let the S-man get on with his "Batman Triumphant" and we would have had a subpar Batman franchise no possibilities for the ressurection that is the (relative) masterpiece of Batman Begins
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This movie is at the top of my all time worst film list, a total piece of SHIT!
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The first one was made in 1988 for (insert own god) sakes.It`s a great film,and Jack`s joker is heaven.The dark tone of it is the best way they could have gone,and fans have been crying for that ever since Batman Forever(horrible film) Batman Begins comes in at nr 4 on my list of Bat-films.1:Batman,2:Batman Returns,3:Batman The Movie,4:Batman Begins.
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