I am – Hercules!!

My advice? Hop down to blockbuster and rent “Human Nature,” the laugh-out-loud hilarious ape-man satire Charlie Kaufman wrote around the same time he did “Being John Malkovich.”

Hercules The Strong Says:

Tarzan captured. Tarzan escape. Jane pretty! Tarzan meet Jane, sport wood! Tarzan captured. Tarzan escape. Tarzan captured. Tarzan escape. Tarzan dull! Herc interest wane! Herc, Tonto, Frankenstein watch “Alias” and “Carnivale”!

TV Guide says:

Acting talent has never been a prerequisite for playing Tarzan. Why start now?

The Hollywood Reporter, shockingly, expresses little enthusiasm:

… fills the screen with cool ambience and hot bodies, but if it's something deeper you want, anything beyond rippling muscles, martial arts moves and soulful gazes, better reach for the Edgar Rice Burroughs novel … Tarzan escapes so often and so easily that he could give lessons to David Copperfield. … [Travis Fimmel’s] dialogue rarely exceeds four-word sentences, but then, he wasn't tabbed for this role because of his way with Shakespeare. He handles longing stares just fine. … in this series, the priority doesn't seem to be on character development. ….

Variety says:

… infused with scads of potential but also some problematic underpinnings. … some of the best roof-scaling acrobatics since "Spider-Man" … Unless they develop something to explain his timely arrival an unnecessarily grim addition to the hour. … Because Tarzan isn't the talkative type, Callies will need to be someone to whom the WB's youthful femme audience can relate, and while she's pretty enough, the character doesn't spark here. … producers will need a firmer grip on the premise if they want to reach the higher branches.

USA Today gives it two stars (out of four) and says:

Him Tarzan, me bored. … This series has a jungle-full of problems, but we might as well start with the insolvable one: underwear-model-turned-actor Travis Fimmel as Tarzan. … the spell is broken when he moves or speaks. … Still, even with a better actor, Tarzan would be no more than precisely what it is: yet another bland WB attempt to replicate the success of Smallville. Once again, we get a variant on the formula Smallville borrowed from Buffy: an old genre and familiar hero with a younger cast and a modern sensibility. … It's sort of Beauty and the Beast, only this being WB, it's actually Beauty and the Beauty. And yes, that's just as dull as it sounds.

The Los Angeles Times says:

the opening minutes, as the half-seen jungle king makes his first escape from urban captivity, are fantastically well executed and gripping as, for that matter, are all the action sequences … does not have any elephants, or much humor, or a sense of the absurdity of its premise. … Notwithstanding that he was already famous in underwear-model-watching circles, it is entirely likely that Fimmel will be merely the latest in a long string of actors — Lara, Elmo Lincoln, Jock Mahoney, Lex Barker, Gordon Scott, Mike Henry, Miles O'Keefe, Ron Ely and Weissmuller, among, I am afraid to say, others — who will eventually be remembered only because they once played Tarzan. … Fimmel is not half bad. He holds the screen at least as well as Callies, who looks stunned a lot of the time. … It's almost too obvious that Tarzan would be made, as he will be here, a crime fighter. …

Herc’s rating for “Tarzan” 1.1?

*1/2