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Neill Cumpston
Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
I feel bad. I was supposed to get Neill in to see LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN this summer, or maybe HULK, or something he could review early, but it’s hard to get Neill in to see movies. His disconcerting habit of screaming “FUCK, YEAH!” into the face of everybody he walks past in a movie theater lobby tends to make him a less-than-perfect candidate for being stealthy.
In fact, I haven’t talked to Neill in a while. I miss the crazy li’l fucker, and I was surprised and delighted to find the following review in my inbox when I got home tonight:
Wednesday night in Hollywood I got to go to the Giantdome Theater on Sunset and see the new movie, JACK BLACK: ROCK SCHOOL. It is a sequel to HIGH FIDEL-ITY, where he’s that Screaming Fat Guy.
Now he doesn’t work at the record store anymore in this movie. Now he’s actually trying to be in a band, but the band guys are all, Get the fuck out of our band ‘cuz you suck. And he tells them to kiss his ass and you’re all thinking, yeah, fuck you guys, ‘cuz he’s going to kick major ass. In real life, Jack Black is that guy in the White Stripes, so the irony is like an elephant cock it’s so big in this opening scene. Also, there’s irony because, think about it, “Black”, but he calls his band “White Stripes”, like he’s saying, I could give less of a shit. But this opening scene is like if some guys on a gay bus kicked Richard Simmons off because they want to be really super-gay but holy shit what’s super-gayer than Richard Simmons?
Before I get into the story and plot shit, let me say that this movie is ten times better than FIDEL-ITY, because no one is talking to the screen like a crazy homeless guy (in real life, a guy talking to a movie screen = guy staring off at nothing and talking and also he has pee-pants because crazy homeless people think there is an invisible bathroom in their pants). Also, there isn’t any gay bullshit like people whining about being in love or out of love. “Whaaaa! No one loves me boo-hoo” (Audience: Who gives a shit already somebody start yelling or shooting vampires or get on a jet ski that has guns on it and kill beach vampires)
So Jack Black ends up substituting teaching at this major strict prep school, and he’s got this class full of little rich snots, and they think he’s a fat drunk and he’s all, “Fuck you, I’m hung over and I’m eating a sandwich”. It is so fucking funny the way he’s always yelling at the kids to leave him alone, ‘cause the audience is all like, Why couldn’t my teachers have been all hung over and eating sandwiches instead of making me read lame-ass books?
Joan Cusack, also from FIDEL-ITY, her character has a new job as the principal of the school, and she’s super-strict. Later on in the movie Jack Black tricks her into going to get beers (she thinks they’re going to get coffee) and they sing a Stevie Nicks song together, and that’s funny because Jack Black flaps his arms like bird wings.
But the screenwriters must have gotten Final Draft with that Hilarity Ensues program on it because they click it into overdrive when the plot comes in. The plot is where Jack sees the kids in music class and realizes he can turn the kids into a rock band. So some of the kids play in the band, but he uses the other ones as roadies, and some doing the light show, and some as groupies. This super-snotty little girl named Summer is the band manager, and she’s really funny because she yells at Jack Black a lot.
The movie is really smart too because I so didn’t see the end coming. They keep hinting that Jack is actually a werewolf, and that he’s going to turn into a monster-demon and kill everyone, and that there’s going to be a hammer-fight between Jack Monster-Demon and some ninjas. Instead he and the band go to a Battle of the Bands contest and totally kick ass.
Spoiler alert: Everything works out great in the end.
This movie, which is going to make a hundred million, and now Jack Black will be in everything, and Thank Fucking God, ‘cause maybe there won’t be enough space for Will Smith and Ben Ass-fleck to be in movies ever again.
Also, after seeing the movie at the Giantdome I got this sticker thing that looked like one of those backstage passes you get at a rock show, except it had a picture of Jack Black on it and the movie title. And guess what? There was this big party down the street at the Hollywood Athletic Club, and some of the people that were in ROCK SCHOOL were at the party. They weren’t wearing their movie clothes, but there was all kinds of awesome food and booze, and I met Dave Grohl (from The Dave Matthews Band), Slash (from Poison), Jack Black (White Stripes, see above), and, coolest of all, “Crazy” Al Yankovic, all in like ten minutes. I took a sack-load of pics with my disposable camera but the flash didn’t work, so today I threw a shit fit at the Rite Aid in Whittier. Dude, it’s a pleasure to have you back, and I’m hoping there’s some way to get you into REVOLUTIONS early. I can only imagine the blood vessels you burst after seeing that beautiful new trailer earlier tonight...
"Moriarty" out.
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I saw a sneek preview tonight as well.The movie is everything for the kids and adults.Jack Black is simply the best comedian in films.Hell he's so multi-talented hes one of the best actor/comedian/muscians in films.
The film never stops also.Its a good sold 2 hours and thats long for a kids movie.But this aint no ordinary kids movie.I hope it makes 200 million,jack black rules. -
Sep 26, 2003 4:43:15 AM CDT
Outside of the White Stripes comment (which I'm not sure is a jo
by lenny nero
Props on the shout-outs at Rolling Stone and on Stern re: X2.
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I've never even had the desire to post in talkback before, but this review was so damn original and hilarious I just had to. This guy should review every movie.
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contrary to unpopular belief.
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contrary to unpopular belief.
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Sep 26, 2003 5:43:43 AM CDT
....Just to be a dick- -The movie's actually called "SCHOOL OF R
by deep blue sky
....Well it is =P
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Sep 26, 2003 6:21:14 AM CDT
spiderinside, you're damn right! This dude rocks! That Super-gay
by sackley whistle
Let this guy review something soon, he gives aicn a well-deserved shot in the arm...
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With all the celebrity deaths this year, I can't believe there wasn't one word on the recent passing of WKRP's Big Guy Gordon Jump posted. Tsk tsk tsk. For shame. As far as School Of Rock goes...the commercials look pretty funny, and I really like Jack Black, but this movie seems to be pretty cookie cutter happy ending fair. I'm looking more forward to the Tenatious D movie. Thank you for your time.
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Nice one. Almost lost it there.
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but this douchebag prompted me to write the following. Ahem...Dude, you are NOT FUCKING FUNNY SO STOP TRYING. That is all.
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This guy has the lamest schtick on the entire internet. The internet is a haven for bad schticks, which would make this guy some sort of odds-beater.
Please, no more. I realize that the thought process here was, but come on already, and give up on this lame Neill character. Last time you posted two of his "reviews" within a week of each other and people started ripping he and his act apart, and even his supporters admitted he was becoming lame with familiarity. So you wait, and wait, and wait, and have another review written in this character, expecting that there'll be enough turnover in the readership by now, and Neill will have decent shock value again. Wrong. It still sucks.
As for the movie, I'll see it. -
That was my favorite review!! He doesn't waste time with the facts.
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You're 5 years old.
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Alas, the problem with "Underworld" has been revealed. If only the undead had been of the coastal sort and the weaponry used against them had been mounted on watercraft. The imagination is inspired by the thought.
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I could not have articulted that sentiment better myself. I really do not understand the Jack Black phenomenon. This actor/comedian/musician/whatever,is just not funny. Obnoxious and outrageous behavior CAN be very amusing as long as it is done with a point. Black just seems to think outrageous behavior in itself is funny.
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You've been missed.
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David Cross of Mr. Show fame.
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At what point did this guy become entertaining? This stupid fat fuck Jack Black is the guy who constantly got beat up in school. It's the same stupid facial expresssions in EVERY SINGLE MOVIE, and in every single trailer FOR those movies.. he's a complete and total talent vacuum. The ONLY reason why he stands above Ben Afleck is because he doesnt bob his head in all the 'dramatic' scenes.
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As much as I loved this review, I found myself lovingitx10 when reading the dumbass fanboy reviews of review...who just don't get the joke.
a particular OC quote would fit nicely here -
I love you Neill. Thx for cummin back. And fuck yeah, Jack Black is DA BOMB. Jack for Supes please.
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School of Rock is no High Fidelity sequel. Jack Black's character in High Fidelity was named Barry, in Schol of Rock his name is Dewey Finn. Furthermore, H.F. based on the book by Nick Hornby and S.of R. was written by Mike White. It's not being billed as a sequel - or even related. Regardless of what character he's playing Jack Black is always playing Jack Black.
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whoever don't like Jack Black is fucken dumb.
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I didn't say that I don't like Jack Black. I think he's very talented and funny. I think Tenacious D is one of the greatest rock bands on the planet. I was merely advising Neill to get his freaking facts straight.
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Sep 26, 2003 10:41:56 AM CDT
Now he's ripping off Jackie Harvies "Outside Scoop" From The Oni
by slugworth
First the Real Ultimate Power ripp-off. Now The Onion. What next?
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You are the bomb. I don't give a shit about School of Rock but I read your review! Funny motherfucker!
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"Neil Cumpston is actually...
David Cross of Mr. Show fame."
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Sep 26, 2003 12:17:26 PM CDT
Why would AICN bring back the reviwer responsible for one of the
by atticus finch
Maybe some at AICN think this bigotry bullshit is funny, but guess what? It isn't.
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The guy who ruined X2 by including major, unmarked spoilers is back! The guy who's "calling card" is to make funny mistakes like saying that School of Rock is a sequel to High Fidelity...he's back! The guy who says things like, "This movie eats your ass with butter AND syrup," is back! The amazing thing is that all you adolescents actually think this jerk-off is entertaining. Fuck it, Moriarty thinks he's entertaining. All ths Neill guy cares about is how many effects shots are in a movie...sorry buddy, there's a little more to it than that. What gets me is that this review didn't even have any of those (admittedly) funny lines like, "This movie eats your girlfriend out for you, so you're free to go bang her best friend and have a twinkie," and you're STILL sucking his dick. Harry, please put a little dignity back in your site and stop catering to the 14 year olds who visit.
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Sep 26, 2003 12:31:42 PM CDT
CUMPSTON IS THE ONLY GOOD REVIEWER ON THIS FUCKING SITE
by goon bighead
MORE! MORE! MORE!
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great review!
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Check it out! http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/news/story.jsp?floc=FF-APO-1110&idq=/ff/story/0001%2F20030926%2F075494207.htm&sc=1110
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http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/news/odd.jsp?floc=NW_4-L2
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Damn we need more of this guy! He is so funny! THis isn't as good as his "Blade Fucking II" review but still top notch.
Keep 'em coming Neil! -
Neill Cumpston is back.
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As AICN's official industry plant, I throw kudos to the humorless sacks of fun who are attempting to nitpick the above review for it's factual errors. The mere fact that you don't see the inherent humor is testament to the power that we in the movie industry have over your minds. ie. You wouldn't know a joke even if we dressed it up like Sarah Silverman, covered it in whipped cream and strawberries, and commissioned some retarded piano-playing homosexual mime chocolate maker to paint a mural of David Cross being run over by a subway train on the side. Clueless and dumb. That's how we like you. Now, go out and buy 2 Fast 2 Furious my mindless legions.
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Sep 26, 2003 2:23:54 PM CDT
Proof that, once freed from irrelevant things like "facts", movi
by rufus_t_firefly
Who gives a shit who really plays for the White Stripes, whether or not it's a sequel, or if Cusack suffers from mild schitzophrenia. This is the finest review I have ever read. Someone please prescribe some LSD to Roger Ebert.
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Ok, so Neil is trying to be the Filthy Critic, but we all know that Filthy is dead. And just in time too. It wasn't funny anymore.
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The beauty of this review is that it doesn't matter if any of the bullshit is intentional or not - it's brilliant either way.
My favority line: "They weren -
for about the first two lines. Then it gets old real fast. I don't really care much about spoilers in a Jack Black movie, I could kinda guess how it ends, but if this idiot reviewed anything where spoilers *would* be an issue I'd be some kinda pissed. Please let this lame one-joke act die and quit posting these poor excuses for reviews. All they do is remind me of the knuckle-dragging idiots in the audience who make me want to stay home and rent DVDs instead of going to the theater. "Fuck yeah!"
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As per titles, look at his Matrix Reloaded review -- Kingdom of Ass-Kicking. As well as his BLADE II review. He knows that School of Rock is not a sequel to Fidelity. It merely seems like the same character. Read into the vulgar language of such reviews. You may understand a joke when you see one next time.
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Sep 26, 2003 3:55:16 PM CDT
Homeless people have an invisible bathroom in their pants.
by fluffyunbound
Consider that stolen.
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Sep 26, 2003 4:08:02 PM CDT
You moron! Jack Black's not the guy from White Stripes!
by rev_skarekroe
He's the guy from the Pixies! Cripes... sk
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Those of you who think he is not, are wrong. And your posts saying that he is not funny, are in fact not funny. However, those of you who think that Neill Cumpston is actually being serious, you guys are beyond funny. You guys are crossing over into a new dimension of unintentional hilarity. And yes, MonkeyBytes' post is the funniest thing I've read all day. The word "watercraft" was never as funny as it was made by you, good sir.
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did anyone else notice that he basically reviewed the trailer? Who knows if he actually saw the movie ...
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I too have never felt the need to post anything before....but this dude BLOWS. Bro, your not funny or original....at all. It is actually painfull to read your review. Im positive my 12 year old sister could write a better review, with funnier jokes than "Jack Black who is really in the white stripes"...Kill yourself
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Because there weren't any smiley faces to tell me where the jokes were.
And duh, Jack White is in the White Stripes. Jack Black was in Black Flag. -
Sep 26, 2003 5:23:11 PM CDT
CUMPSTON MAKES PAULINE KAEL LOOK LIKE A DEAD.....UH...DUMB, NEW
by goon bighead
AND U IDIOTS TAKING HIR REVIEWS SERIOUSLY AND POINTING OUT ERRORS, HERES A NEWSFLASH: ITS SUPPOSED TO BE THAT WAY, HE IS SENDING UP MOVIE CRITICISM.....IDIOTS....
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Wow! people have imortalized their stupidity on this talkback. Time and place for serious discussion: not here! Coming back from work to read this.... well it's just the best. Thanks goes out to you all for your effort to entertain. Cheers! you silly, angry, fact checkers! Cheers!
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The movie played to a packed house of press & recruits last night in LA. Why no reviews??!? Here's a capsule:
THIS MOVIE FUCKING ROCKS!!! Quite possibly the best American horror film since ALIEN. Nonbelievers are gonna choke on it.... -
Sep 26, 2003 7:32:20 PM CDT
Reading the angry responses to Neill's reviews reminds me of jus
by mr. waturi
Redbox, are you really looking for a "serious discussion" of the Jack Black comedy "School of Rock?" Could you be more of a dork?
Keep up the good work, I can't wait to read your review of "Matrix: You Will Shit!" Bring it on, honkeytonk! -
If Jack Wilson from "Shane" played the principal. Jack Black could be in class playing his guitar really loud then Principal Wilson comes in and gives all the kids detention...(I.E. shoots them all in the head.) Then he sits in a chair eating an apple while making Jack Black dance a jig at gunpoint. ..........Then he fucks a toaster.
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FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU and your daddy for fucking your mom. BEEEATCH.
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Goddamn your assholes are tighter than a dolphin's blowhole. Lighten the fuck up and learn to take a joke. There's enough negativity on this site... it doesn't have to be Schindler's List-serious every waking minute. Re-friggin-lax, people! -Lino-
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Sep 27, 2003 1:00:38 AM CDT
Neils Reviews always seem like he just dashed into the room hold
by archduke_chocula
and god bless him for it.
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That movie and that piece of shit Saving Silverman also sucked nuggets... This movie will suck too mainly because, kids are stupid and annoying in movies... The jokes will be like fart jokes and dump shit... I love Jack Black and I really loved this review but I will avoid this movie
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First of all he got the damn movie title wrong. Second Jack Black's band is "Tenacious D" and they suck and are just as unfunny as he is. Sorry, Black tries hard but he's no Farley or Belushi. Shallow Hal is one of the worst "comedies" I've ever seen. Didn't even crack a smile let alone laugh....even once......BTW I don't like the White Stripes either, they're from Detroit, that's probably why...WAR Tigers 121 losses! OUT!!!
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I just saw the sneak preview at Downtown Disney here in the OC and even the Missus thought it was worth $9.50. A well made and fun flick. Where was KG?
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I saw a preview tonight and I have to say, it was good. A real crowd pleaser. It's the break out smash for Black that they thought "Shallow Hal" would be. He was hilarious and zany and the audience cracked up at all his antics. The supporting cast was also great -- especially Joan Cusack and the kids. Kids have a tendency to be cloying and mug for the camera but Richard Linklater was smart enough to let the kids be kids and let Jack do all the mugging. It worked. The script was written by Mike White who used to write for the brilliant show, "Freaks & Geeks" (one of the true masterpieces television ever created -- of course, it was canceled after one season). Also, those lil' tykes did their most of their own playing and singing and they were terrific. It kind of reminded me of The Commitments. When the movie ended only two people got up and left during the credits. Yep, it ROCKED!
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that review was funny -- apparently not everyone got the joke.
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I cannot stand people who enjoy being wrong. Its not that he says Jack Black's in the white stripes or slash is in Poison,its that he enjoys giving the wrong answer. Its worse than ignorance. It offends my sensibilities.
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Sep 28, 2003 12:28:38 PM CDT
GOOD GOD, SOME OF YOU MORONS DON'T REALIZE THIS REVIEW IS A JOKE
by iamjacksuserid
I salute the ones that were of at least normal common sense and understood the farcical nature of this review. But I cannot understand how those that did not get this were actually able to coordinate their limited brain function with their severly impaired motor skills and manage to intentionally press buttons on their jizz-stained keyboard to post on this site. You evolutionary bottom-feeders that whine how he made this mistake and screwed up that ARE SO FUCKING DOLTISH! IT WAS DELIBERATE! PLEASE EXTERMINATE YOURSELVES!
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Sep 28, 2003 3:36:09 PM CDT
If this generation's intelligence matched its wit, we'd be surro
by black rubber dog
As it stands, we're surrounded by idiocy.
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For those of you wondering about the KG cameo, he was the gym teacher in the lunchroom about whom Jack muttered the ever-popular, "Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym".
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He even knows proper grammar!
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