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Enterprise 3.1 FAQ

An “Enterprise” review? When was the last time Coax posted one of these?

Not unrecently. Though we were hinder-deep in Buffy Bash planning at the time, we still found time to dissect “Regeneration” (2.23), the installment about unfrozen Borg.

What’s tonight’s called?

“The Xindi.”

Who’s responsible?

Teleplay is credited to series creators Rick Berman and Brannon Braga (“The Expanse”).

What does TV Guide say?

“The third season opens with a new action-oriented style as the Enterprise hunts the Xindi who attacked Earth. But Archer and Trip's zeal to capture a Xindi leads them into a trap. This episode marks the debut of the MACOs, Enterprise's elite surface troops. Alien Forman: Stephen McHattie. Xindi Humanoid: Tucker Smallwood. Degra: Randy Oglesby.”

So did they trade “Faith of the Heart” for a more palatable theme song?

They did not. But they do offer a more up-tempo arrangement of the ditty, which shortens (or at least seems to shorten) the title sequence.

Has the title changed to "Star Trek: Enterprise" (as hinted in the promos)?

Nope!

The big news?

Jolene Blalock’s eyebrows, Herc believes, have been altered to make them appear less human. The actress has at last been Vulcanized, if you will, beyond her ears.

The far bigger news?

Remember the second-season opener, in which communications officer Hoshi Sato had to cavort toplessly, clutching her breastal region? We get to see the exact same thing tonight with another female member of the bridge crew!

“Another female member of the bridge crew”? But the only other female member of the bridge crew …

T’Pol! T’Pol gets topless in the final minutes of 3.1, (ensuring a better-than-average tune-in for this largely snoozy opener)!

How soon do we get to see T’Pol in her groovy new blue “Forbidden Planet” number?

About halfway through the opener. She’s also spends a sizeable portion of the hour in what looks like a salmon (or orange, or pink, depending on how your set is adjusted) velour catsuit.

What’s the big news that has nothing to do with the sexy, sexy T’Pol?

FutureGuy lied! Or was, at minimum, mistaken. We learn in the closing minutes of 3.1 that if the Xindi attacked Earth in 2.26, it wasn’t because they feared Earthers would destroy their planet 400 years hence.

Do we learn by episode’s end the real reason Florida was attacked in 2.26?

Not so much.

Does anybody get turned inside-out, like that rhesus monkey in “The Fly”?

Not this week. The Delphic Expanse is, however, generating all manner of violent poltergeisty weirdness in an Enterprise cargo bay. It’s mentioned that the ship has encountered a number of other “anomalies” since entering the region six weeks earlier, but they were all fairly quick to dissipate.

What about those new MACOs? Are they the coolest?

They’re mighty handy with rayguns, but not yet a terribly interesting dramatic force. (Certainly they’re in no danger of making us forget about Jim Cameron’s space marines in “Aliens.”) There’s a watery subplot about Reed feeling a bit outclassed, but it’s too generic by half.

Any other key changes for the new season?

There’s what appears to be a new permanent set. A ship storage bay has been retrofitted into a “command center” that looks suspiciously like a well-wired conference room.

What’s good?

The enjoyable bits include the brief (if logically suspect) Vulcan nakedness, the brief Jedi roundtable-esque segments that bookend the episode, Trip’s decidedly “T2”-ish dream sequence, and McHattie’s portrayal of a wily, weezy mine foreman.

What’s not so good?

The fun is far too fleeting. This is easily the most mundane and haphazardly constructed of the “Enterprise” season openers. The bulk of tonight's deals with a fact-finding visit to a “trellium mine.” Archer finds himself detained (yet again) by hostile aliens and his crew must (yet again) mount a rescue. Beyond this, the episode’s overall lack of focus suggests there may at this point be too many cooks are in the Viacom kitchen, with the showrunners shoehorning too many of the tired and repetitive elements “suggested” by their corporate overlords. Either that, or everybody’s just completely out of ideas. With luck we’ll discover soon that the series’ “new direction” is more than just window-dressing, but there’s little encouragement to be found in “The Xindi” beyond a few nifty computer-generated extraterrestrials.

How does it end, spoiler-boy?

“Finish the weapon quickly! Or I’ll destroy the Earth ship, whether this council approves or not!”

Herc’s rating for “Enterprise” 3.1?

**1/2

The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:

  • ***** better than we deserve
  • **** better than most motion pictures
  • *** actually worth your valuable time
  • ** as horrible as most stuff on TV
  • * makes you quietly pray for bulletins

I am – Hercules!!





Looking for bumper stickers, plush toys and girls’ underwear covered with cartoon double-amputees? Visit The Herc Store!

Readers Talkback
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  • Sept. 10, 2003, 4:05 a.m. CST

    wow.

    by BRTick

    I can't believe we lost firefly and farscape and got left with this! I had such high hopes, too.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 4:19 a.m. CST

    FIRE Berman and Braga!

    by NicholasWolfwood

    Can't belive these two pigfuckers still have their hands in this franchise! They must sure know how to kiss corporate ass.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 4:22 a.m. CST

    Berman and Braga must go...

    by xeeds

    I am sure that it must be hard to come up with new ideas for a show that is this old and has alrready been through so many different incarnations, but if anyone is going to turn Trek around it won't bew these guys. They have had long enough, why oh why does Paramont let them go on. You read reviews from these jokers and they really think they are doing something fresh and exciting. MACOs? WTF? How about a captain like Kirk who can either fight, think, or charm his way out of almost any situation on his own (with the occasional help of a good science officer, security chief, or engineer).

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 6:04 a.m. CST

    What is up with that Fucking Song??

    by Lennard

    Okay I just Finished Grabing the ep online at 12:30 AM Tuesday. And Im asking my self what is up with that cheesy arse theme song sounds like something the Back Door Boys put together?? =O They better fix this dren post haste and yeah the Comando's kicked space ass. NEKKID VULCAN LOVING YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • if i want to see blalock's tits i can easily find them in all their glory on the internet. i gave up on enterprise after 5 episodes of season 1 and nothing that i've seen has tempted me back. BORING!!

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 7:01 a.m. CST

    I actually like watchign the show... despite all it's shortcomin

    by LargoJr

    I just wish they would dump that fucking ANOYING opening credits song for what they used in the promos before the show started airing, and would stop with all the bullshit cheap ploys & attempts at drumming up viewership without actually having to develop decent or interresting stories. I guess what bothers me most is how, even in FUTURE based adventure shows, We still feel the need to impose and express our own ideas and concepts as superior, that we need to meddle in every fucking thing, and yet the show only involves women when a hottie is needed for window dressing, or the romantic counterpart for an amorous story or theme. I fear the ONLY thing keeping this show watched is the rare and fleeting yet somehow overused and tired 'time travel' aspect, who's card the producers will play one too many times, thus getting the show canceled thru sheer disgust and failed intrest in the viewers :(

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 8:29 a.m. CST

    I just wished they used THIS as their theme song for real

    by chanjumar

    http://www.brownfish.com/cgi-bin/films.pl?film="entalt"

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 8:56 a.m. CST

    DS9's "The Search" Sucked too though

    by Drath

    and it recovered with a decent third season--not great mind you, but decent; I don't know if that's enough for Ent though. Confidence in the writers is everything, and Trek doesn't have that now. Some people won't like *anything* they do, and I feel the pain because it sucks finding you've out grown fandom of something you once loved. But like I said, confidence is the key to happy fandom. Buffy had, then lost it. Angel has been uneven, and right now the jury's out. Next Gen had it, but looking back we all think we were nuts to like so many bad episodes(or maybe that's just me). DS9 was shakey at first, but earned it from those who didn't feel it's ideas and premise went against Roddenberry's vision. Voyager on the other hand had no clue where it was going, and everybody knew it. Now with Enterprise...well, I just don't know. There's a direction, but I'm not sure it's a worthwhile one. There's still much potential in it, and unlike Voyager at the start of season 3, it's recoverable. It's just too damned sedate. It's like they're inventing the wheel each week and we're supposed to be impressed. We'll see what they do this year. They keep up with the same old same old and this show won't see year seven like previous Trek spin-offs. ************* T'Pol didn't have Vulcan-enough eyebrows before? Good grief, she must have simitars pasted on her brow now!

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 8:58 a.m. CST

    Who cares about Enterprise? BRING BACK KIRK AND SPOCK

    by DARTH VOODOO

    Kirk and Spock are Star Trek nobody gives a shit about these new characters that's why Ds9,Voy and Ent have been such huge flops. Is it just a coincedence that everything ST has been a flop since Kirk and Spock left the series? I say bring Kirk and Spock back in a film with the TNG crew that would wrap up the first 35 years of the series and then give this tired franchise a 10 year break.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Okay, okay, T'Pol's boobies will lure me back to check out the o

    by TheWoodMan

    After that, these guys are on their own. Impress the hell out of me (and everyone else), and Berman and Braga have a future. Otherwise... well, let's just say I heard Circle K is hiring. Why do I have the feeling "Star Trek" is going to end as it began... with a series that lasts three seasons?

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 9:52 a.m. CST

    Chat server

    by Mad_Radhu

    I know it has been said many times before, but please e-mail the guys at FARK and ask them how to get a decent forum server up and running. Not only are the posts out of order, but I'd really like to be able to post pics (linked to an external image server, of course, so you don't have to waste your bandwidth) and add a little HTML and formatting to out posts. It really shouldn't be that hard, since everyone and his brother has websote forums that support these features.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 10:27 a.m. CST

    Only one thing can save Star Trek now...

    by MasterShake

    First, fire B&B, then recast the original crew with young actors, redo the sixties look with modern effects and production standards. Have the series start when Kirk takes over command of the Enterprise from Pike. Show the problems he has being the youngest Captain in Starfleet trying to integrate a new crew and alien first officer. Wow, drama! What a concept.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 10:28 a.m. CST

    Well, nice to know Berman and Braga fumbled the ball once again.

    by SpyGuy

    And when UPN doesn't renew ENTERPRISE for Season 4, I imagine B&B will still have their jobs no matter what. If they can't even fix something as simple as a theme song, how can they fix the actual show?

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 11:03 a.m. CST

    SPOILER!! - Obviously the attack on Floriduh was set in motion b

    by BannthisUcommies

    socialist dweebs by the millions. In the end the only thing that can save the future is T-Pol's massive TITS! Top that Berman!

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 11:32 a.m. CST

    If they could work in Hoshi and T'Pol clutching each other's bre

    by Big Bad Clone

    This show sucks but it is so much better than Voyager

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 11:35 a.m. CST

    I agree! Bring back the original Star Trek cast!

    by rev_skarekroe

    I mean, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher aren't doing much. It'll be hard to convince Harrison Ford to return, though. sk

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 12:08 p.m. CST

    maybe Trek is just...

    by Cory849

    ...done.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 1:20 p.m. CST

    I can tell you in two words what Enterprise needs:

    by GenericGeek

    Joss. Whedon.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 1:22 p.m. CST

    slightly off topic, but.....

    by MisterGrimloch

    its important we all know that there are very SEVERE compression issues on the new "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life" DVD, resulting in a massive amount of video problems. read reviews on this disc, and you will be horrified. Universal is a mess, and since the sale of the company is pending, their dvd product is shit. Here's hoping the Battlestar Galactica set doesn't go down the toilet, due to poor mastering. on topic, Enterprise is lovely, and its very wrong to ever question how lovely it is.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 1:30 p.m. CST

    Enterprise Bashing

    by Real Deal

    Well kids ( and I don't use that term lightly ) here we go again. How many of you have acctually seen this episode? How many season openers can you say have been the best that season has to offer? Also bring back Kirk, Spock etc. ? Sure they'll use their walkers and wheelable oxygen tanks on the bridge. The idea of recasting and redoing the old show is just awful. Why don't you just put new special effects into it? That would be the only point. Look I loved the old show and probably watched it a long time before most of you. I agree that Enterprise could benifit from better writers but maybe that's coming also. B & B seem to be listening and making changes now. Shut up, give it a chance. I have no respect for the ones who didn't watch something and feel they can comment on it.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 1:52 p.m. CST

    re: Generic Geek

    by Bob X

    Joss Whedon would almost be too good after they fucked this show up so bad for two seasons. That'd be like Spielberg directing a sequel to Gigli. But I hear David Kemper (showrunner of the OTHER great canceled sci-fi show) is currently looking for work. Just get rid of Berman. Hell, the show might be better off with the writers completely on their own...I have to admit the season finale DID make me a little curious, though. Just a little.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 2:03 p.m. CST

    I always thought it'd be cool..

    by Kid Z

    ... if Sisco was "Future Guy". But then Berman & Braga's overlords, the Paramount suits, would never allow that, so... oh well... We only have to wait until January for the ratings on this thing to tank far enough for UPN to finally yank it.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 2:04 p.m. CST

    Real nudity...

    by Gislef_crow

    ...wouldn't help the show or bring in more viewers right now. And more people see HBO then probably get UPN these days - why do they think near-nudity is going to sway folks on this show. You can see Linda Park in FHM for instance displaying more skin then you're ever going to see on Enterprise (and her description of what she does in the way of simulated sex acts in her upcoming movie sounds...interesting).

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 2:13 p.m. CST

    part of the reason the show doesn't work

    by KazamaSmokers

    is the LOOK of the show. It's TOO high tech. It makes the whole prequel concept into a joke. They should have had the guts to go with a Daedalus-class starship and made the show look primitive. They should have brought back the TOS green bitch music and the ripped velour shirts and the two-fisted forearm-to-the-back fight move. They choked and now they're paying the price.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 2:20 p.m. CST

    I'm giving it a chance

    by Real Deal

    I always thought it'd be cool.. Comment: -------------------------------- " We only have to wait until January for the ratings on this thing to tank far enough for UPN to finally yank it. " -------------------------------- You guys have been singing this song for quite awhile now. I don't think Enterprise is great but, it could be if B & B get proper motivation. That's seems to be happening now. I think most people don't read the joke posts. They just gloss over them. Shut up sit back and watch. If by January this show hasn't improved I'll be on your side.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 2:20 p.m. CST

    Can't wait

    by Blok Narpin

    I liked season one, and I loved season two. They have my attention.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 2:27 p.m. CST

    Re: The Look

    by Real Deal

    Well this show takes place 150 years from now. If anything I think they're underestimating the look of how advanced things will be. This is the reason going back to the old ST look wouldn't work. It would look silly. This is one reason why I didn't warm up to Firefly. Cowboys and rust buckets in space. Sure I'll buy that........and that swampland in Florida also.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 2:33 p.m. CST

    Lack of vision

    by Electric_Monk

    You know folks, what is at the core of all this arguing is writing. Since Voyager, the franchise has taken on a dangerous corporate utopian view of things, thusly becoming more and more conservative in political views -like both Braga abd Berman didn't realize Enterprise's new "direction" was not born from the horrors of 9/11. The writing has become very simplistic, black and white, good and evil, right and wrong. The shades of gray that sometimes filled TNG and took hold in DS9, have been replaced by mundane stories that go nowhere, with the Temporal Reset Button hit 30 seconds before the show ends. Berman and Braga (who I once thought was a brilliant writer - I mean Parallels was a wonderful story) seem misunderstand what viewers want, and who they are actually appealing to. Maybe UPN and the overlords at CBS think that sex is the only thing that matters, with well written stories being only half as important as showing T'Pol or Hoshi half naked. But as we seen over the many decades of TV, the written word -and the writer - have been hijacked by producers who think they have a better pulse on the viewing audience. And one may ask why the producers don't go back and get some the writers that helped both TNG and DS9 achieve so much praise. Obviously, some cost more than others, but I would hazard the guess that these writers have a bolder vision for Trek, one were characterization and evolution of the series is more important than seeing the female characters strutted around like whores for a small fraction of fans who like that stuff. Plus, I'm also sure, these writers are one who ask questions and won't become yes people just to make a buck. Enterprise writers and producers, like Voyagers before them, are all yes men and women, unable to see that a proud franchise has fallen down a hole of a utopian world where the only progress is no progress. George Bush would be proud.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 2:33 p.m. CST

    I saw the feed! I was Impressed!

    by JulieCarrigon

    Actually, I was shocked. I was so ready to give up on this series. The premiere is excellent! The opening and ending sequences with the new alien species are wonderful. I loved the new aliens! The fight scenes were also excellent. They were much more violent than any of the other newer trek series. The addition of the commandos was the right choice for this series. What they've done with the show is take it back to the original, except they've upped the violence, added a bit of skin. But it works. Give it a chance, guys, I really was impressed.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 2:58 p.m. CST

    Man I miss B5 and Farscape

    by Russman

    And sadly enough, right now this is the best Sci-Fi show kind of out there. Sci-Fi Channel is just a fucking mess these days. They're airing the Flintstones this week!! And if GE buys Vivendi then you know everything is really going to get fucked up with that channel. (sigh)

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 3:29 p.m. CST

    kill the fuckin' thing

    by kabong

    There is so much that could be done in the pre-Kirk period, mining the history and with fidelity to the continuity established in other Trek series and in the books. For example: Robert April and Captain Garth of Izar building Starfleet. But the network assholes and their B & B bum boys know they've got three million Trekkies locked in and so they put no effort into scripts.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 3:39 p.m. CST

    T'Pol's Boobs... The FINAL Frontier... Prior to Cancellation...

    by Pizza The Hut

    I had to say it :-)

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 3:47 p.m. CST

    The third season opens with a new action-oriented style

    by cooper2000

    If they cant figure out that we want great drama and good characters instead of Action, this show will never get any better.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 6:10 p.m. CST

    "Kirk and Spock are Star Trek nobody gives a shit about these ne

    by Voice O. Reason

    Not I'm sure if I'd rather attack you logic or your sentence structure. TNG didn't have Kirk and Spock either, and look at how well it did.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 6:12 p.m. CST

    My own sentence structure was messed up, too.

    by Voice O. Reason

    How ironic.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 6:16 p.m. CST

    "if i want to see blalock's tits i can easily find them in all t

    by Voice O. Reason

    WHERE?!?!??!?!?!?

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 7:15 p.m. CST

    This show finished 101st in the ratings last year...

    by Captain Decker

    ...so why is Herc even talking about it? Ain't It Cool? Not even close.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 7:22 p.m. CST

    I've Said It Before

    by Barron34

    Most recently on the previous Star Trek talkback I stated my opinion (titled "Berman And Braga And All Good Things Must End"). To boil it down: the simple fact is that there will be no fundamental changes to Star Trek while Berman and Braga continue to produce, and Berman and Braga will continue indefinitely because so many fans will tune in regardless of the quality of the shows. Paramount thinks that fans will swallow whatever shit they crank out, so they make no real changes. And the truth is, too many fans WILL continue to watch sub-standard or shitty Star Trek in the vain hopes that it will somehow magically transform into a good or even great show. Newsflash: this is not going to happen. There has been NO decent Star Trek on TV since before Voyager. Berman and Braga have been cranking out crappy Star Trek TV for YEARS AND YEARS. They are not going to suddenly transfrom into innovative producers and give us good Star Trek. Thye have contempt for the audience, and some of us deserve it because we hang on to these shows long after they have been bad, for years and years. Any little changes like changing the theme music or stripping T'Pol down are minor and inconsequential changes. Stop arguing about them; they are pointless. The only way we are going to get good Star Trek is if there is a regime change and Berman and Braga go. This will only happen if we do one thing: STOP WATCHING. If we keep watching and continue to give these mediocre shows ratings, they will continue to crank this crud out like sausage links. Berman and Brag have had YEARS AND YEARS to do something with these shows, and the results have been completely abysmal. They have had their chance and have made their money. They must be replaced, preferably by good writers from the older series, like Ron Moore, Ira Stephen Behr, and Michael Piller. This will not happen while we continue to give Berman and Braga produced Star Trek ratings. Stop doing so; Stop watching. Simple. It will send a message to Paramount that fans will no longer tolerate bad Star Trek. We have had years and years of it. It is time to stop taking this abuse and stop hoping in vain that Star Trek will miraculously improve under this regime. Don't be suckers; STOP WATCHING. Then they will get the message, and maybe the people at Paramount will develop a modicum of respect for the audience of Star Trek to counter the obvious contempt with which they treat us. Stop Watching. Stone Cold Boycott. Simple. The End.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 7:52 p.m. CST

    I would like to second the Blalock tits request.

    by FluffyUnbound

    You can't say something like that and then not link, man! Think!

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 7:57 p.m. CST

    "So I downloaded the first couple of Farscape eps...............

    by El_Barstardo

    Keep downloading, cos the series doesn't start hitting it's stride until halfway through season 1. The first dozen episodes are just really establishing who the characters are, once thats done it begins developing and changing them. Farscape was, for me, by far the series that DEVELOPED it's characters the most, it never hit the reset button. That's what made it great, characters changed as the series progressed so it always stayed fresh and interesting. If you liked the first few episodes keep watching, because you aint seen nothing yet.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 8:36 p.m. CST

    Majors shouldn't call Lieutenants "Sir"...

    by Voice O. Reason

    ...since a major is the same thing as a Lt. Cmdr. Is there ANYONE familiar with actually military protocal writing for this show???? Of course, T'Pol probably outranks EVERYONE. Gentlemen, there's nothing sexier than getting a blowjob from a woman you have to salute in the morning.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 8:57 p.m. CST

    If the Jedi learn what we're planning to build, we're doomed!

    by Voice O. Reason

    Which one of those guys at the end was the Trade Federation representative?

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 8:58 p.m. CST

    The Ants Have Escaped from the Ant Farm!!!

    by The Giant Skunk

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 9:05 p.m. CST

    RE: I've said it before

    by Real Deal

    Well one small point that you're missing is that not everybody agrees that Enterprise is bad. I can think of much worse like the reality show drival or the stupid sitcoms or the supposed serious drama depicting real events ( lets talk about that model show ) that we are subjected to every week with other shows. I think it's become fashionable to bash Star Trek now. I find that a little more than disgusting. I liked Farscape. It was ok not great. The only recent TV show that comes close to great in the last ten years in my opinion was B5. But that's gone now. So I have hope that Enterprise will follow the pattern of other B & B shows and come into it's own in the 3rd year. I'll say it again if TNG was just starting now it would be bashed just like Enterprise because the first two years had some real stinkers in them. So I hope Enterprise bcomes what it should be. Otherwise TV will become even more dull and not worth my time ( or yours ). Give it a chance.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 9:16 p.m. CST

    SW ripoff!

    by ChrisPC24

    Voice O. Reason, I totally agree, it was a bad SW ripoff! Not only the whole Geonosis scene, but the whole "there was a planet here" scene, give me a break! What's next, "That's not a moon, it's a space station!"?

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 9:19 p.m. CST

    AS USUAL, GUYS...

    by Weasel

    ...I use any Trek talkback I can get my hands on to call for a total moratorium on all things "Star Trek." I'm seeing a lot of stuff on the internet and in the mainstream press lately, asking "Can 'Enterprise' Be Saved?" No. It can't. Seriously. Bland writing. Bland sets. And characters so thin and unaffecting they might as well be a part of the damn scenery. You can make fun all you want of William Shatner (especially nowadays since he's become a bloated parody of his former self), but his Captain Kirk was a real leader possessed of a ballsy charisma. I'd follow Kirk straight to Hell if he asked. Captain Archer? Please! I wouldn't follow Archer to the ship's toilets if I had just come down with a case of projectile diarrhea. The only way to save this series, I'm afraid, is to put it out of its misery once and for all and then lock the whole damn franchise away for twenty - yes, TWENTY years - in order for the TV-watching public to finally get the bad taste of Trek out of its mouth. And then, after two Trek-free decades, start fast and fresh with the basic framework of the Star Trek universe but this time with writers/producers who (a) are passionate about the newly-resurrected franchise, (b) respect the Trek mythos, (c) respect the fan base and for Kirk's sake, (d) know how to write science fiction. That last one is a special pet peeve of mine. If you read stuff like Greg Egan's "Diaspora," Alistair Reynolds', "Redemption Ark" or John C. Wright's excellent and inventive "The Golden Age" or "The Phoenix Exultant" you will come to understand how utterly lacking in imagination the Trek franchise really is. It's completely devoid of any sense of wonder or signifigant "wow" factor. Watching this generic garbage every week is like watching a once beloved relative, now a former shell of what he/she once was, die in slow agony. All you can do is stand there and watch in frustration as they waste away and you weep helplessly. It's time for this cash cow to finally, mercifully be put down. Moratorium, boys. Now!

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 9:22 p.m. CST

    that episode was SO CLOSE to being an extremely cool reboot. Bu

    by Tall_Boy

    I liked alot of stuff in this episode, I missed the opening teaser but I saw the end teaser and that council stuff was really cool. I'm loving these contsant "to be continued" endings that they might be going with. The "I'll destroy the Enterprise!" and cut to black by that big Xindi-Bug dude was funky as hell. The production design in the always-great looking ENTERPRISE got kicked up a notch - with the aliens looking actually alien for once. I loved the covered in floresent blue crap look that they were sporting. That dude weezing on his microphone was pretty neat, if somewhat predicatble. It could lead somewhere very cool -- the problem is its a step forward in an arcing plot and look - and a step nowhere in another captured-by-evil-aliens plot and a sexual scene that stuck out like a sore thumb. I think I speak for everyone here that IF I SEE ONE MORE CAPTURED BY ALIENS PLOT I'M GOING TO SNAP! Captured by evil aliens was old when TOS ran it into the ground in its 3rd season. Make the hurting stop. Please. The sexual scene between Trip and T'Pol was pointless. I rolled my eyes when she said "Its . . . intimate!" I'm not denying it was freakin hot when she practically had a Big O when she was getting a massage and there was some gratiutos nudity -- but the soft-core cinemax stuff just didn't fit with the overall plot. I'm all for soft core cinemaxing explotation of Jolene Balock, but try to squeeze it into the plotline somehow. It was freakin hot, sure, but it was completely disconnected from the episode and indeed both of thier characters. And ending on "take off your shirt!" was extremely cheese. (I did get a nice laugh out of Trip paternally patting T'Pol's thigh afterwards - Tinner rocks as always) So anyway, yeah, in sum - They are extremely close to making this show a very cool serialized sci-fi show but they have to drop the redoing cliches from the first two seasons. Just fully embrace this new direction and it'll keep us all hooked. And more of that big Bug Guy. Seriously. He looks cool.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 9:31 p.m. CST

    The day I said goodbye to Trek.

    by Rufus_T_Firefly

    So that's it, huh? The BOLD NEW DIRECTION consists of more Bakula hand-wringing... another contrived "prison break-out-story"... and yet another "sexy" vulcan chick tit-tease. Well, I'm done. And yes, the theme still sucks.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 10:16 p.m. CST

    get them intergalactic Tallyban!

    by Harold Spengler

    Depsite my hopes that a new massive mission and topical parallel would energize Enterprise, it was (naturally, unfortnately) a let down. Drugged acting, lame fight scenes and minimal development all made the opener go limp, even though the desperate T'pol toplessness was intended to make the fanboys grow/think otherwise. Might as well do some work or meditate this fall in that hour before West Wing is on.

  • Sept. 10, 2003, 11:14 p.m. CST

    So the Xinidi are like Darwins Turtles...

    by FNORDknt

    That's the feeling im getting, the Xindi seem like Darwins turtles of course 120 years cannot make such drastic changes in shape...But still, and by the way that guy did lie if that planet got all blowed up before the dead prison xindi was even born... This was a good first ep for a HUGE new arc...And they had to do the Prison escape thing (Hopefully for a while) to show off those spankin new Marines...

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 12:16 a.m. CST

    I'd rather have Patrick Stewart sitting in a white room doing no

    by Much Too Tall

    It's not about "action", fellas. I'm a huge ST: TNG fan and I haven't really watched the other shows. Gave Enterprise season 3 opener a chance and, ugh, what a mess. Won't be back, I'm afraid to say. They still don't seem to know how to tell a good story...Hire some people who know how to write and act. Just terrible.

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 12:18 a.m. CST

    ChrisPC24, you're not that far off!

    by Han Ol' Buddy

    I'm ashamed to admit it but I read some article with spoilers from the next episode and, yes, I believe that there are supposedly some "artificial moons" that feature prominently into the story. Something about radiation as well. Probably not a direct SW rip-off, but funny nonetheless. As for tonight's ep, I liked it. If you don't like Enterprise, don't watch it. Plus, these TBs are basically for people to bitch about everything and for people who disagree to make futile attempts at changing their minds. I didn't mind the episode. I thought some of the eps last season were stinkers, but all series have bad eps. Anyways. One other thing. About ripoffs, I was half expecting the Star Trek Marine sniper to start saying stuff like "Be not that far from me, for trouble is near; haste Thee to help me." and "Blessed be the Lord my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight." That would have been the bomb, yo!!! Later.

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 12:32 a.m. CST

    Problem with Trek

    by Oknight

    The fundemental problem with Trek is that they're not "boldly going where no one has gone before", they're boldly going where EVERYBODY has gone before. You can't swing a dead cat in Trek's universe without hitting 6 klingons, two Ferengi and a Borg. The Trek universe has shrunk to the size of Rhode Island. I get claustrophobic watching Enterprise. In Voyager they travelled to the other side of the galaxy and STILL ran into people they knew. Just let it die. Maybe we could have a fan letter campaign to get them to cancel it-- it seems only fair.

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 12:54 a.m. CST

    new theme song!! we need Warp 11!!!!

    by warp11

    The new theme was terrible. Someone hire Warp 11 right away. They will not mess it up. They are going to be so huge soon. www.warp11.com, I love that Star Trek Band, they can save Enterprise.

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 12:58 a.m. CST

    It's not supposed to look like OUR future...

    by Sherlock_Holmes_

    It's supposed to be the past in the Trek timeline. You have to remember that humanity was nearly blasted back to the stone age during the Eugenics Wars, and Khan's reign on earth didn't help much, either. B&B changed all that. They changed Zephram Cochrane into a human. They changed the techonology completely. The changed what Klingons looked like (and the reason they looked different in TOS is because the ones sent into Federation space were the FIRST EVER SEEN and they were genetically bred to look like humans so that they could infiltrate Starfleet, unfortunately, they didn't look enough like humans to pass the test, and so the Klingons abandoned this practice. The ridges are what they really look like, but humans never saw them like that until after Kirk's 5-year mission). They changed the WHOLE DAMN THING. At least they have Tellarites and Andorians on the show, but they share screen time with Ferengi (whom humans made FIRST CONTACT with in Picard's time!) and other "funny thing on their nose" aliens-of-the-week. It sucks. If B&B weren't so busy trying to undo everything Roddenberry ever did, they'd have a decent show. It's clear what the problem is- Paramount has got Star Trek in the hands of a couple of real assholes who don't give a shit about the history or the fans. Until Paramount fires B&B and gets someone more in-tune with Trek to head the franchise, I'm not interested. The fucked it all up, and the only way to get this Trek fan back would be to have the next series (or season of Enterprise) start with someone realizing that everything B&B did was a dream.

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 4:25 a.m. CST

    Klingon Make-up

    by DreadPirateRoberts

    To the guy posting about why Klingons looked different in the old series, you are yourself spouting revisionist crap while complaining about B&B revising things. Let's clear this up once more...When they decided to do the 1st movie, they came up with cooler make-up than they did in TOS. They had a bigger budget and felt it was silly the Klingons looked the same as humans. When asked at a convention what to make of the new look, Roddenberry himself said "You can assume Klingons always looked like this. We just had a smaller budget back then. You can also assume the Gorn do not move as stiff as they did in the tv show and that would be reflected if we ever brought them back as well." The contrived explanation about Klingon looks you are quoting was made up to explain the old look of Klingons in the DS9 episode about the Trouble with Tribbles. And if that was even true, it would not explain the Klingon commanders seen in TOS. Especially when they are seen with the modern look later in DS9.

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 6:50 a.m. CST

    Klingons

    by radio1_mike

    Who cares whether or not the Klingons look differently? If Roddenberry's vision of Klingons looks more like the new ones (meaning ST:MP+), fine. It was just budgetary constraints. But, I will say I hate when when things get turbo'd up for no good reason. Trek should be put to bed. As much as I like Scott Bakula- Enterprise sucks. As much as I liked Kate what's-her-name, Voyager sucked. As much as I liked the Avery-guy, DS9 was boring. TNG is enjoyable. And TOS is the best. Do you notice a trend? In a structured universe, as time passes, if you don't have brilliant writers, everything becomes dreck. I mean really what is Q, except Tremaine from TOS? No new races. No new challenges. Humans are so friggin' perfect 200yrs from now, they are boring. And humans are the crappy race, immature race? C'mon that's why TOS was so great, a starship captain who beds women and falls in love with some of them. You may have disdain for TOS, but you probably want to be friends and comrades with all the major characters on that ship than on any other ST series. The most human character on TNG was Data (why? he had a pet) and Worf (he gets really angry)... God. Let it rest. Or at least give some blood a shot, get Allen Dean Foster to write. What do I know?

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 8:17 a.m. CST

    Wheezing...

    by TQ

    I saw most of the episode last night. As far as those bad-ass soldier boys and girls go it's odd that none of them were wearing any kind of protective head gear. I kept saying over and over "where are their helmets?" until my wife told me to shut up. Perhaps heads are harder in the future. And while it was kind of cool to see that female grunt beat up on that alien fellow, how hard can it be to kick some asthmatic alien's ass?

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 8:18 a.m. CST

    I liked the theme song, but the shit they play now is the worst

    by Big Bad Clone

    And this Xindi shit is starting to sound alot like a new Marquee (I fucking hate that bullshit)

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 9:55 a.m. CST

    I'll let you all in on a little secret...

    by Major Truth

    No matter what is done, people aren't going to like it. Everything has been done. Has anyone that has watched Enterprise for a long period of time, went back and watched ST:TNG ? That thing is a joke now - a cartoon. The bright vibrant colors, laid back bridge, family type characters, Opening theme song, old CGI - its funny really. I watch Enterprise for its own entertainment, not for comparing it to the past, or for errors in continuity. Grow up fans, this isn't yesteryear's Trek fare. Accept if for what it is in this day and age of copies, remakes, and poorly written everything. I liked ST:TOS for its freshness and vision. Everything since that point has been too cerebral - lacking action and exploration. I think everyone has been spoiled by the mind drama and forgot what real SCI-FI is supposed to be. Enterprise is a throwback to that. First Contact was the pinnacle of this franshise, so how do you expect anyone to top that ? Just sit back and relax - watch the new Star Trek while you still have it, cause you will be all crying when it is gone. ;)

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 9:58 a.m. CST

    Hmmmmm

    by Major Truth

    I guess this forum doesn't keep paragraph breaks.

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 10:33 a.m. CST

    Theme song is worse!!`

    by fevriul

    Yep they managed to supass themselves and make the theme song even more crap than it was before. Jesus it sounds like an entry for a bad talent contest.

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 11:10 a.m. CST

    I promised

    by Larry Jay

    I promised in my last post to wait until I actually saw Voyager (er) ENTERPRISE to make a comment about the season opener. BLAH!!! Phasers on NUMB!!! a. The Music was mind numbingly horrible. I have to admit, the soft rock version of the theme of the 1st 2 seasons kinda grew on me over time but this GODAWFUL mismash of crap made the skin of my balls itch, I swear. b. Archer and (insert random crewmember name here) get kidnapped (again) BLAH!!!(OH, the SHOCK AND SURPRISE!!!) c. Space Marines (uninspired costuming but really cool pulse phasers) d. Naked T'Pol- I'm not 19, gratuitous exposure of female skin does not excite me. B&B need to check the demographics data of WHO WATCHES STAR TREK. E!! A MAJOR in the MARINEs (Space Marines or otherwise) does NOT repeat DOES NOT ask a fucking fleet lieutenant or beg his pardon or ask for his permission to do ANYTHING. In the current command structure of the US Military, a Major is an O-5 and a Navy Lieutenant (in the marines, army and air farce he would be "called" a captain) is an 0-4 the Major OUTRANKS the Lieutenant. Major marine sez "The captain needs rescuing? Sure, got any idea where he is? Ok, LT stand by and let me and my grunts go dig him out for you. You sit here and defend the ship like a good little squid." NUFF FUCKING SAID. B&B DO YOUR GODDAMN RESEARCH!!!!! Damn that pissed me off, after that exchange the rest of the episode was damaged. The only things worth noting about this episode: 1. TUCKER "Get them out of my SKY" SMALLWOOD!!! (If you don't understand the reference, turn in your geek card at the door) 2. The CGI mantis critter, fine work. Let's see some more of him. OSAMA BIN CRITTER. 3. Jake 2.0 rocked. My vote for best save. Bet money next week I'll be watching Smallville. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!!!

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 11:26 a.m. CST

    If only they would use the Kirk fight music....things would be g

    by Skullcrusher

    Use the music from the Kirk spock fight scenes all is right with the world...throwin a few kirk chops and flying body blocks and I will be happy

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 11:50 a.m. CST

    Well Hypnotoad

    by FluffyUnbound

    Maybe in the future the armed forces will have wised up and created a rule where all sea going bellhops rank BELOW even the lowest squid. Embyro Wesley Crusher is going to turn up on this show ordering these Space Marines around, and they will LIKE IT.

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 12:05 p.m. CST

    Well Fluffyunbound

    by Larry Jay

    Well, I just mean its not good story writing. The chain of command in any military organization MUST, IN PRACTICE, be rock solid. There cannot be any fuzzy areas where the chain of command is involved. That could lead to chaos. If the Captain is incapacitated, who leads? If the 1st Officer is decapitated who becomes exec? If Malcom gets killed who gets the keys to the armory and becomes WEPS? A smooth flow to the chain of command is not only a mission essential its also a HUMAN tradition. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!!!

  • Sept. 11, 2003, 8:34 p.m. CST

    no smartass no bs only longtime fans should read this

    by the maven

    OK: TNG sucked vacuum space during its first season and a half (or so). Heck, even Johnathon Frakes admitted that in an interview in "Cinefantastique" back then. But the show got better. A lot better. (And Frakes rightly pointed that out, too.)*****"Star Trek" was in the process of being relaunched at that time. Everyone involved deserves a break for screwing up every now and then at that point in the process. However, that, my friends, was in the mid '80s; Berman (I know, he wasn't the main guy at the start but he did get to be) has had over 20 years to get it right now. He was involved in DS9, one of the best series ever aired on teevee. This isn't a relaunch anymore; this is an established concept. Yet, in spite of a decent concept, good characters and a great cast, "Voyager" managed to be one of the most terrible and intellectually-offensive shows both for its core audience and any mainstream viewers who happened to wander in throughout its entire seven-year run. This after 20 years of experience. And "Enterprise" is following directly in VGR's mundane, condescending footsteps.*****If you hire a carpenter or a lawyer or whoever with two decades of experience, you expect them to know what they're doing. Following that logic, I can only believe that Berman, Braga and UPN are now simply cashing in and taking advantage of their audience.*****I don't mean to get too geekish about this--I moved out of my parents' basement two months ago (joke; I'm still living there)--but I grew up with "Star Trek"--I'm one of those fans who watched TOS faithfully in reruns throughout the '70s. I really, really like this show, and I am also really pissed off at what the franchise has become. We all deserve better.

  • Sept. 15, 2003, 1:44 p.m. CST

    Maven

    by Real Deal

    There's something you've forgotten to list. DS9 was borrrrrrrriiiiinnnnngggg the first couple of years. I know I've been collecting it on DVD. It wasn't until the 3rd year that it began to shine and found it's pace. All the Berman shows have been that way. Also it's pretty common knowlege that Roddenberry had limited involvement after the first year with TNG becuase of declining health. Enterprise I believe will follow this same pattern and become a very good show.

  • May 13, 2005, 9:20 p.m. CST

    What's wrong with this review?

    by symphy

    It's all tabby.