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Foywonder Reviews TIMECOP 2!!

Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...

Yikes. That’s all I can say most days I have a Foywonder review waiting in the mailbox. This guy just heaps the abuse on himself. I tried to watch Benigni’s PINOCCHIO recently, recalling his hilarious review for it at the start of the year, but I couldn’t do it. Ten minutes in, my brain actually crawled out of my skull and ran screaming from the room. Yet, somehow, amazingly, this guy takes direct hit after direct hit to the cinematic nuts and lives to tell the tale.

So what’s he up to this time? A direct to video masterpiece, according to him. I’ll let him explain it to you after he gets a little unsightly begging out of the way upfront...

SPOILER WARNING!!!

Before we begin, I have a cheap plug to get out of the way. Hey, I sat through PINOCCHIO and KANGAROO JACK for you people so dammit you can allow me a cheap plug! For those of you unaware, I am the organizer of a new bad movie film festival set to debut this fall.

SCHLOCKTOBERFEST 2003: SCHLOCK & AWE will take place Saturday, October 18th in Long Beach, Mississippi on the USM-Long Beach campus. From noon until sometime around 2 am, those that attend will be subjected to almost 14 non-stop hours of cinematic schlock all of which have been hand selected by yours truly.

The inaugural event’s line-up will include (courtesy of the fine folks at Something Weird Video) the world’s first and only jellyfish man movie STING OF DEATH. This obscure 1965 schlocker is about a lovesick were-jellyfish terrorizing a group of twenty-somethings in the Florida Everglades. It even features a dance sequence set to the tune of Paul Anka’s timeless classic “Do the Jellyfish.”

If that’s not enough, we will also be showing 1977’s YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY in which a 50-foot Oak Ridge Boy with the world’s largest mullet runs wild in downtown Toronto. Then there’s the 1965 horror comedy DEMON HUNTER: THE LEGEND OF BLOOD MOUNTAIN, which is in my humble opinion the absolute worst movie nobody has ever heard of. It will all culminate with the “Midnight Mystery Movie,” one final film whose identity will not be revealed in advance so you’ll just have to attend to find out.

Still not enough incentive for you? Well, we’ll also be giving away plenty of door prizes although I assure you that nobody who wins will feel like a winner. Much like the movies, I’m hand selecting these as well.

Be sure to check out the entire SCHLOCKTOBERFEST website while you’re at it. There you’ll also find more specifics on the festival itself as well as my regular web column “Foyeurism,” which this month features my long delayed reviews of LXG and GIGLI. And if you stop by be sure to check out my Summer Movie Quiz (It’s not what you think!) for a chance to win a DVD of something truly awful. Maybe you’ll even manage to find the “easter egg” on the front page that has eluded so many? For those bored out of their minds there’s even a Schlock Word Find game. Yes, there’s lots of fun and crap at Schlocktoberfest Dot Com. Hope to see you at SCHLOCKTOBERFEST 2003: SCHLOCK & AWE this October.

Now for some of you this is the part where you just skip right to the Talkback section to piss and moan about this article being too long or whatever else you’re angry about. For the rest of you…

Let’s talk about TIMECOP 2!

Actually, the full title is TIMECOP 2: THE BERLIN DECISION. I personally think that’s a terrible title but I suppose its better than calling it TIMECOP 2: THE RETURN, TIMECOP 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES, TIMECOP 2: THE QUICKENING, TIMECOP 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, or TIMECOP 2 AND THE CRADLE OF LIFE. And with a title like TIMECOP 2: THE BERLIN DECISION it’s rather obvious this film is going straight-to-video because if it was going to get a theatrical release you just know the marketing geniuses at Universal would have gone for something “catchier” like TIMECOP 2: OUT OF TIME, TIMECOP 2: TIME’S UP!, TIMECOP 2: TIMECOPS UNITED, or just simply TC2. Hey, everybody loves acronyms! Oddly enough, the actual opening credits display the title as simply TIMECOP: THE BERLIN DECISION so even the people making and distributing the movie were unable to agree on the title.

Now to be perfectly honest I really didn’t care for the original TIMECOP. For starters, the means by which they travel through time was both crappy and stupid. For those that don’t remember or don’t know, you get inside this big pod that’s set up like a crash test simulator and it goes zooming into a wall where it vanishes into some sort of temporal void. Then the time travelers step out of a temporal void with no sign of the pod they were seated and strapped into. To return to the future they need only push a button on the special gadget wristwatch they wear and suddenly they get sucked into a void and back into that pod that comes rolling out of the wall facing the other direction with no explanation ever given as to just where it goes and how it was able to turn around. Fortunately, the makers of TIMECOP 2 have modified this process just enough so that it’s still stupid but not as crappy looking.

The other thing that totally killed the original for me was that you had this great premise that allowed you to go anywhere throughout history and yet the movie was set primarily in 1994 and 2004. You make a movie about a time travelling police force and set the majority of the movie in the present instead of actually using the concept to its fullest? Ancient Egypt? No! The Crusades? No! The Ming Dynasty era? The Renaissance? The age of dinosaurs? No, no, and no! They have the majority of the movie take place in the same exact year it was released and it’s all about this corrupt Senator who travels back 10 years to plot his rise to power and, in the process, kills the hero’s wife so now the hero must stop him and save the missus. How lame is that? Now that I think about it, I hated TIMECOP! No imagination whatsoever! And Ron Silver as the bad guy? God, I hated that movie!

I won’t even mention that very short-lived TIMECOP TV series that ran on ABC for like 3 weeks.

Still, I decided to give TIMECOP 2: THE BERLIN DECISION a try. Now to answer your first question, Jean Claude Van Damme is not in the movie. He was too busy making some jungle prison movie with Ringo Lam and some “DIE HARD in a casino” movie called COVERPLAY to reprise his role as the high kicking, monosyllabic, Timecop pretty boy with a mullet. They don’t even kill off his character in the opening 10 minutes like they did at the beginning of KICKBOXER 2. Alas, TIMECOP 2 is 100% Van Dammeless.

However, to make up for the loss of a certain four-name actor they hired two three-name actors to star in the sequel - Jason Scott Lee and Thomas Ian Griffith. Jason Scott Lee and his “Farrah” hair replace the Muscles of Brussel’s mullet in lead as the film’s hero. Oddly enough, Jason Scott Lee seems to be building himself a nice little niche starring in direct-to-video sequels to theatrical movies that weren’t that good in the first place. In addition to starring in TIMECOP 2, he’s also the star of two DRACULA 2000 sequels and he’ll be seen in THE PROPHECY IV. I swear if he gets a role in the upcoming, made-for-video SPECIES 3 then he’ll have hit a Grand Slam of sorts. Thomas Ian Griffith plays the movie’s villain, an evil time historian. You may also remember Thomas Ian Griffith from some of his other roles like the evil vampire in JOHN CARPENTER’S VAMPIRES, the evil general in KULL THE CONQUEROR, and as the evil karate guru in THE KARATE KID PART III.

Once again I’m going to give the spoiler warning because there is simply no way to properly review this movie without dealing with spoilers. For some strange reason though I have the sneaking suspicion that more people are going to be interested in seeing the movie by the time I’m finished than would ever had been otherwise.

TIMECOP 2 opens with a very stilted voiceover, the only kind Jason Scott Lee seems capable of in this movie, by Ryan Chan (Jason Scott Lee, duh!) as he waxes philosophical about time travel and time itself. To beat us over the head even more so, Chan is always staring at this pocket watch that belonged to his father, a physics professor specializing in time travel theorem who died of a coronary in a restroom when Chan was just a small boy. Chan was in a stall when dad dropped dead and it’s obvious from the blurry flashbacks we’re shown that his dad didn’t die of natural causes but Chan doesn’t realize this because if he did there wouldn’t be much of a movie. We learn from this scene that Chan is very adamant about protecting history as he emphasizes how the past is important because the good and the bad shape who we are today. Besides, what’s past is past and the past isn’t meant to be tampered with. I wish he’d give that speech to some Hollywood executives before they greenlight some of the remakes and sequels they do. Also, if time gets altered only the Timecop involved would know for sure. I’m not entirely sure how that would work because you’d think if something happened that changed the course of the world it would affect everyone equally including the Timecop.

Now whereas the original was set in 2004, the sequel is set in 2025. Now that I think about it, We’re one year away from the futuristic vision portrayed in the original TIMECOP and I still don’t see anyone driving down the street in motorized, self-driving refrigerators.

In addition to the Time Enforcement Commission (TEC) there’s also this new group called the Society for Historical Authenticity or something like that. Since there have been so many “time breaches” and attempts to alter history this new division was created consisting of people who travel to specific times and places to observe how accurate these places are so they can spot differences just in case somebody alters something. I’m not entirely sure how this would work because if history gets altered why would you have a memory of something that never happened and records of that something would reflect the change accordingly.

Okay, it’s Berlin 1940, and Ryan Chan along with two other Timecops are on a mission but exactly what that mission is completely slipped past me or was simply never explained. What matters is that they meet up with meet up with two members of that Historical Authenticity group, Brandon Miller (Thomas Ian Griffith) and his much younger wife Sasha, at this Nazi shindig. Before you know it Miller and Sasha are preparing to change history by assassinating Hitler. The guy playing Hitler looked to me like Dan Aykroyd pretending to be Richard Nixon while made up to look like Adolph Hitler. Chan scuffles with Miller while Miller argues about all the good that could be done by erasing past mistakes and such. Actually, there are going to be about 4 or 5 different scenes in the movie where characters have this exact same argument. In the end, Chan has to shoot Sasha before she would have killed Der Fuhrer and thus altering history dramatically. Sasha is dead and a distraught Miller is arrested.

Back in 2025, Miller is found guilty of time crimes and incarcerated in some futuristic underground prison for the criminally insane. Chan feels guilty and is considering quitting the TEC.

For the first 10 minutes of the movie it seemed as if this might actually be a surprisingly good sequel with some actual ideas to go along with the action. It looked as if this movie was going to use the time travel concept for a plot more ambitious than just revenge or saving a loved one. Unfortunately, TIMECOP 2 is about 80 minutes long and the next 70 were going to get stupid. Really stupid! EXTREME OPS stupid! I know movies that involve time travel even the really well made ones almost always have some sort of paradoxes or things that just don’t quite add up but TIMECOP 2 takes things to a whole new level absurdity.

Long story short, Miller escapes from prison and begins travelling through time killing off the Timecops either when they were younger or before they were born. Yes, we’re in TERMINATOR territory. His plan is to eliminate all of the Timecops so there won’t be anyone to stop him when he travels through time changing history for what he believes will be the betterment of mankind. Okay. Sure. When a Timecop has been snuffed out in the past, they suddenly dissolve into CGI flakes and vanish in 2025. So why is it everyone still remembers that person even though technically their elimination from history should erase them from everyone’s memory?

His plan doesn’t make sense anyway. It’s not like the Terminator hunting down a particular person like Sarah Connor who will have a specific impact on the future. You’re killing off the people who work for a particular company. This movie wants you to believe that he’s literally eliminating the entire TEC division by wiping out the people currently on the payroll and these people are irreplaceable. Wiping out individuals on a company’s payroll is not the same as killing off a particular historical figure. If you eliminate Officer Smith from ever existing there’s still going to be an Office Jones to take his place.

Another example of the movie’s illogic comes when Chan travels back in time to that prison to prevent Miller from ever escaping. First of all, for no other reason than the producer’s feeling they needed to toss in a pointless action sequence, Chan gets into a seemingly endless and extremely pedestrian fight with this inmate he once busted but we’ve never seen before and couldn’t care less about. Finally he confronts Miller who proceeds to filibuster about why changing history is good and how he’s going to make Chan pay for killing his wife and then escapes by simply walking around the corner, for crying out loud! Chan returns to 2025 only to find changes have already taken place due to Miller altering history although I thought eliminating Chan and getting his wife back was top priority at least it was according to his speech. Chan gets them to send him back to the prison only even earlier than before. When he gets there he comes to find out that there is no Brandon Miller incarcerated there nor has there ever been. Meanwhile, a crazed Miller is traveling through time while still mourning his dead wife and vowing to bring her back.

Wait just a damn minute! If Miller was never in prison then that means that he wasn’t arrested back in Berlin and that should also mean that Sasha was never killed in the process so she should already be back alive. You can’t turn your brain off while watching this movie because it keeps saying and doing things that kick you in the head. TIMECOP 2 is just daring you to think about it all. It dares you to apply logic where there is none.

Oh, there’s also some hints as to a romance between Chan and this female doctor played by Mary Page Keller. Keller also happens to be Thomas Ian Griffith’s wife. No wonder Miller wants Chan dead so bad. He killed his movie wife and is romancing his real-life wife!

So Chan returns to 2025 yet again to find that everything has changed yet again. Because they are able to track temporal distortions they know that Miller is now in 1889 Texas and Chan says something about having family from 1889 Texas. At least the movie is smart enough to have another character ask how an Asian guy has ancestors living in 1889 Texas. Chan mumbles a response. I didn’t catch it and I didn’t bother to rewind the movie in order to hear it either. What’s past is past and the past isn’t meant to be tampered with, I say.

Chan is going to go after him but first they give him this new super duper gadget wristwatch that will allow him to tag along Miller’s time wake (that little bit of distortion that appears in the air as they return) and follow him wherever he goes next. As it turns out, Miller doesn’t need this fancy shmancy pod to time travel because he has a super duper uber gadget wristwatch that allows him to travel anywhere throughout time by doing nothing more than typing in the date he wants to travel to.

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

There have been numerous scenes in this movie where we’ve been repeatedly told how dangerous and complex time travel is, how it can eventually lead to dementia, and how one mistake can lead to someone materializing in solid matter and so forth. Hell, one poor bastard in the movie explodes after his entire cellular structure becomes unstable during the process. Now all of a sudden we have a villain who doesn’t need this whole time pod thingamajig and can go anywhere he wants by just pushing some buttons on his wrist device? Where did this technology come from and why don’t all the Timecops use it since its shown to be easier and more stable than sitting in that contraption and being rocketed back in time? And where did these other wrist thingamajigs come from that allows you to ride someone else’s time stream? Why am I even bothering to ask at this point?

So back to 1889 he goes to confront Miller in a Wild West setting and from there they will head to the Roaring 20’s where we will come to learn once and for all that all Chinese people really do know kung fu. Then its back to the future as they end up in the 80’s so Chan can meet up with his parents before they were married and briefly pay homage to another certain time travel movie from that decade. Chan was told that the less there is of the other guy’s time wake when he tags along the further away he will be from him when he arrives at the destination. Yet Chan always arrives just a few yards away from Miller no matter how little of it he gets. And at one point somebody throws a knife into the wake and it goes through and arrives at the next time point so exactly why Chan needs this new special gadget wristwatch when all he or anyone else would really have to do is… I give up.

My God, TIMECOP 2 is so aggressively dopey that it could even make the most hardened anti-Semite throw his hands up in the air and yell “Oy vey!”

In the end, Miller travels back in time to the day Chan’s father died (Wow, I never saw that coming!) and shows up at the college where dad is conducting a class about the ethics of time travel and why altering history is a bad thing. Miller was also one of the students at the time and the young Miller is played by Thomas Ian Griffith in this mortifying bad, long-haired hippie wig. Sitting next to the worlds oldest, waviest graviest college student is Sasha who is played by the exact same actress who played her during the Berlin sequence so apparently the girl is an eternal twenty-something.

Even though Jean Claude Van Damme isn’t physically in the movie he is still there in spirit as the climax comes in the form of a kung fu battle in the college atrium. Apparently two men can beat the crap out of one another and destroy school property without ever having to worry about a single cop showing up or any other students for that matter. Must be one of those California party colleges I’ve heard about. Admittedly the final fight is pretty decent although Scott Leemage is no substitute for Van Dammage.

And then it happens; the movie’s single greatest moment, the moment that makes me realize that sitting through this silly little flick truly was worth it. In the middle of this life or death battle, from completely out of nowhere, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, Jason Scott Lee lets out this bloodcurdling scream as he rips his shirt off Hulk Hogan-style so he can fight the rest of the battle with his oiled up pecs exposed. It’s almost as if his shirt spontaneously exploded off his body and I damn near fell out my chair laughing. Oh my God, is that moment hysterical!

To the film’s credit the resolution to this mess didn’t play itself out exactly as I expected it to but the way it plays out still makes the Chan character look like a hypocrite when it comes to all his talk about not altering history. Oh well. At least he gets another scene where he stares at that pocket watch because God knows this movie didn’t have enough of those moments.

Honestly, I can’t decide whether to recommend the movie or not. I swear there are moments in this movie where you want to laugh and bang your head against the wall out of frustration at the same time. Not since GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH has a time travel movie made less sense and not since GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH has a nonsensical time travel movie proved so entertaining and headache inducing at the same time. It’s maddening I tell you! The more you think about it all the less sense it all makes and in my case it finally broke my brain causing me to just begin giggling like a madman at the absurdity of it all. I’m not exactly sure that’s a ringing endorsement.

TIMECOP 2 is supposed to be the first in a proposed trilogy of direct-to-video sequels to TIMECOP. Whether or not the next two get made is still up in the air but if they do I’d like to offer a few ideas. Team up Jason Scott Lee with a precocious kid who really wants to be a Timecop when he grows up and call it TIMECOP AND A HALF. No? Okay, how about a rock opera version and call it TIMECOP ROCK? Nope? What if you make the hero a cyborg and call it ROBOTIMECOP? Not interested? Hey, toss Chevy Chase in and you could make TIMECOPS & ROBBERSONS! I got a million of them and none of them would be any sillier than the movie I just reviewed.

The Foywonder

Remember when Jason Scott Lee was “the next big thing”? And we had all those articles about what a huge star he was going to be? Remember that? Reading the above review reminds me of why that never came true...

"Moriarty" out.





Readers Talkback
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  • Aug. 25, 2003, 7:25 a.m. CST

    TIMECOP was an ok movie

    by Sheamus

    One of VD's best. Why the persist on making sequels to VD movies without him the cast has always proved a mystery to me; perhaps the only good thing is that they make Jean-Claude's "work" appear more significant than it actually is. :)

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 7:29 a.m. CST

    The very first! ( from a little country called Iran! )

    by Mehrabi

    hope this movie is good, 'cause the first one sucked big time

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 7:31 a.m. CST

    second

    by Lil Ze

    That review was too darn long!

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 8:07 a.m. CST

    HSX AICN League

    by FrankCobretti

    First, the on-topic post: Foy, I will never read you at work again. It's just no fun chewing a hole through my hand so I don't laugh out loud. Second, the real reason for the post: I'm starting an AICN league over at Hollywood Stock Exchange. Click on my username and let me know if you want to sign up. Cheers.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 8:21 a.m. CST

    Goddamn it, Foywonder, where's your Gigli review!?

    by CoolDan989

    It would have been AWESOME to see you rip apart this movie limb from limb, but nooo, NOW you chicken out...oh well, it's too late now, so let's all just imagine what hilarious things Foywonder might have said...and your consider yourselves unlucky, B.Lo!

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 8:26 a.m. CST

    Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah

    by zillabeast

    I bet Timecop didnt have an android as spiffy as the one in G vs. KG

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 9:42 a.m. CST

    Violence Never Solved Anything But Convoluted Time-Travel Plots

    by Van Damned

    I do remember when, after seeing 'Dragon: the Bruce Lee Story' we all thought Jason Scott Lee was, if not in reality, then at least in spirit the heir of Bruce Lee. Whether that would have led to some better movies is now acedemic. 'Timecop 2'. 'Soldier'. 'Jungle Book'. Gaaahhhhh. I'd almost rather he did some ethnic dramas for a while like 'Joy Luck Club' or such, if it would help him get back on track. Give him some more tools for acting. You know, depth. And it's true that not just any director can do time-travel. Why they think they can is beyond me (not really; paychecks are tempting). I say back off from this sub-genre for a while, and let some new ideas pop up which the studios can run into the ground. And Jason; do some indy work. Please. You'll thank me.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 9:43 a.m. CST

    If it ain't got Mia Sara...

    by OgieOglethorpe

    and her Oh So Amazing Breasts, count me the hell out.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 9:49 a.m. CST

    GladiatorTimeCop!

    by ELGordo

    Everyone loves men in loincloths and what could be better than men in loincloths with guns and kicking ass kung-Fu stylee. I'd pay to see that....well maybe not, at least not full price.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 9:50 a.m. CST

    Jean-Claude as Venom !

    by Mehrabi

    How about Jean-Claude as Venom in Spidey 3 ? who agrees ? what ? nobody ?! ok, forget i said !

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 10:02 a.m. CST

    I've heard Van Damme wants to remake "The Great Escape"...

    by Uga

    Now I've met the man before, and he seemed a decent enough chap. That won't stop me from hiring mercenaries to do the man serious harm, though, if he does remake my favorite movie of all time.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 10:06 a.m. CST

    I head Jean-Claude Van Damme was going to have a cameo, but he g

    by Chastain-86

    Chastain-86: Keeping tired cliches alive since 1996.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 10:23 a.m. CST

    Foywonder deserves a damn medal...

    by Lost Skeleton

    ...or a psy exam for the punishment he inflicts on himself. That was the funniest reviews ever. Keep the reviews of crap coming in Foy. Oh, and where is your Gili and Marci X review?

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 10:28 a.m. CST

    What did it remind you of Mori?

    by cockknocker

    I have only really seen lee in dragon which i thought he was good in, he could act better than most and had a talent for action too. He should have been a star. The only other movie i remember him from was that Rapa Nui flick and i cant recall if it was much cop, i think it was kinda ok. Anyway, its a shame lee hasn't got better roles because he sure as shit is/was better than a lot of todays so called "stars." Actually, i just remembered he did a voice for lilo and stich that movie ruled, that must be the last good movie he was in, and the last good disney movie for that matter.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 10:29 a.m. CST

    Mary Page Keller

    by Harrys Man Boobs

    I had such a crush on her when she was on "Duets". She was such the cutie pie. Flash forward a few year later for "Zoe, Duncan, Jack & Jane" and she had TOTALLY hit the wall. What a shame.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 11:01 a.m. CST

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

    by Karl Childers

    Oh, sorry! What was reviewed again?

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 11:14 a.m. CST

    wow... such a long review for a shitty movie.

    by Russman

    Dude, you get extra credit for the pain of watching it and then reliving it when writing this up.

  • Seriously, guys, we really need to congregate somewhere in secret and plan the comprehensive assassination of scores of movie studio execs! AND let's not forget the assholes who have been writing the sewage Whorywood has been troweling out the past two decades. What the fuck is it with those goddamned suits in the studios? Do they greenlight any shit just because their best coke-snorting buddy has written it? Oh well, got nothing more imaginative or original to produce and they have to justify they insane salaries, so they just crank out--I mean, PINCH OFF--another piece-of-crap sequel. JAY-ZUS!

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 12:07 p.m. CST

    Foywonder is so overrated.

    by John Travolta

    I don't see why everyone goes ape-shit over his mile long reviews. He rambles on and on TRYING to funny. "Hey, if a just keep pounding away at the keyboard, maybe, JUST maybe, something funny will come out of the pooper!" Seriously, open up notepad. Title it as "Timecop 2 Review". Now just start bashing the keyboard for an hour straight. I bet not only will it be as long as Foywonder's, but it will be much more entertaining. I wouldn't be surprised if some of his "groupies"(that come out of the woods ONLY when one of his reviews is posted) is actually foywonder himself using different names. Foywonder is like that kid in 5th grade that did something funny at the beginning of the year, but tries to remind everyone of what he did for the rest of it.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 1:17 p.m. CST

    the best part of Godzilla V.s King Ghiderah was...

    by guerillatokyo

    "this will make an excellent story to tell your son....MAJOR SPIELBERG!!!!!"

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 1:41 p.m. CST

    Midnight Mystery Movie should be The Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow

    by Regis Travolta

    TGODH is the best bad movie ever made, better/worse than Plan 9 from Outer Space. For pure bad movie entertainment you have to watch The Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow. Or Hillbillies In A Haunted House. Might I suggest a double feature? TGODH and HIAHH.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 1:45 p.m. CST

    sting of death

    by mag7man

    'Sting of Death' sounds like a great reason for a Mississippi road trip.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Timecop's One Redeeming Factor

    by septimus_p

    screw the two bad films---at least the craptastic TIMECOP tv series had the bodaciously buxom blonde Cristi Conaway. Yum!

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 1:52 p.m. CST

    "Now to be perfectly honest I really didn

    by Trav McGee

    Okay, that sentence alone cracked me the hell up. Maybe not as intended, but Jesus it was funny to read. "Now, to be perfectly honest I really didn't care for the original shitty movie."

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 2:19 p.m. CST

    When did they rename this site "Ain't it Shit News"?

    by Boris the Blade

    You cannot be serious. This site has sunk to a new freakin low by even devoting the time to cut and paste this review into the site. Look at the number of talkback responses on this item. How about some QC on the news stories, fuckos?

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 2:26 p.m. CST

    Where's my GIGLI review?

    by TheFoywonder

    My GIGLI review is at the Schlocktoberfest website. It was written during the period when Moriarty was sort of out of commission so I just saved it for my own regular FOYEURISM web column. I sort of said that in the early part when plugging the film festival. You'd think that would have been obvious seeing as how I most likely create new screen names just so I can post compliments to myself, at least that's what I most likely do according to John Travolta's scathing conspiracy theory. Black is white and white is black! Funny, I wasn't aware I had "groupies" who only posted when I did a review. The only unique screen names I ever see belong to the people who make a habit of bashing me for either the review being too long or not finding it amusing (assuming they ever even bother to read any of it to begin with). Then again, "John Travolta" is hardly a unique screen name. Hey, if I used words as big as Mr. Beaks then I would be like the 10th grader trying to be funny. Oops, I was trying to be funny again. Guess Mr. Travolta won't be coming to Schlocktoberfest then? Now I'm off to create more screen names so I can post more compliments to myself in a few days when my review of MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER gets posted. :)~

  • They do this a lot. So put the Timecop musings back in the coffin where it was and forget about the piece of crap.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 4:20 p.m. CST

    i think this guy is taking things a little to serious....

    by slade justice

    ..what the fuck do you expect from a film called TIMECOP 2:THE BERLIN DECISION????

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 4:40 p.m. CST

    The Men Of Middlesex, England Were Gutted To Find Out It Was Not

    by Ed McBain

    This is not a review. The reviewer actually seems like a schizophrenic having a conversation with himself. It also displays what I like to call, "Knowlism". Witness: "Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!" People actually say stuff like that in reviews? Then of course "You make a movie about a time traveling police force and set the majority of the movie in the present instead of actually using the concept to its fullest? Ancient Egypt? No! The Crusades? No! The Ming Dynasty era? The Renaissance? The age of dinosaurs? No, no, and no!" This is CLASSIC Knowles, wanting something that isn't there. Dreaming about a what film would be like if they made it or something and then inserting that into his reviews to make him seem cinema literate. It doesn't. It's utmost retarded ness. And for your information, TIMECOP's budget was $35 million. You try making a film like you detailed with that doesn't look cheap. Then the reviewer goes on a fun filled 3-4 pages of SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS thinking it constitutes a review. Basically reciting the film scene-per-scene and saying how it hurts their geekdom. Even Ebert doesn't resort to this craptom. So in conclusion: HARRY WANNABES, stop trying to believe like Harry, you are not he and never will be. And even if you must rip off another person's style of writing reviews, try someone who writes great reviews.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 5 p.m. CST

    Sudden Death=Classic

    by UberSpectre

    I loved that movie I mean he fights a woman in a giant penguin outfit, I mean seriously that is just great!

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 5 p.m. CST

    And the award for the biggest fucking idiot of the year - Ed McB

    by TheFoywonder

    Sorry, I don't write reviews patterened after Harry Knowles or Roger Ebert. In fact, I've never even called what I do a traditional review. Technically, its a review but that is not exactly what I do. Yes, I go into details about SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS just as I have always done and just as I said I was going to do at the beginning of the review and again later on. What I said about what could have been done with the TIMECOP concept wasn't a matter of trying to seem cinema literate, it was a matter of pointing out how little imagination was put into making the movie even if it was only made for $35 million. But what do I know since I'm just a schizophrenic Harry wannabe, right? And Roger Ebert has never ever written a review criticizing a movie for what it could have done instead of what it actually did, right? God, I love talkbackers like you! "This is CLASSIC Knowles, wanting something that isn't there." And yet here you are pissing and moaning in the talkback section because I didn't write a traditional style of review of the variety that you like and proceeded to go into details even reciting whole lines of dialogue from the review to make your point. Oh, the irony! Hope I didn't hurt your geekdom, Mr. McBain!

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 5:03 p.m. CST

    A Movie For Schlocktoberfest

    by Ribbons

    Anybody see 'Bats' on USA the other day? That was one of the suckiest suck movies that ever sucked in recent history. I have an acute suspicion that the director hated himself during the entire production.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 5:04 p.m. CST

    As a sidenote

    by Ribbons

    I doubt that the movie was supposed to be intentionally funny a la 'Eight Legged Freaks,' but it blurs the line between Bad Genre Film and Parody of Genre.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 5:46 p.m. CST

    The Montipillers OF Gastlag Followed Suit In The Act Of Dominos.

    by Ed McBain

    No Sir, you are the idiot if you cannot defend yourself without resorting to such vulgarity and immaturity.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 5:53 p.m. CST

    Has to be a slow news day if we're talking about Timecop 2

    by Bong

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 6:09 p.m. CST

    Ed McBain, can you say "pompous windbag?"

    by TheFoywonder

    "I read a review for a review. Not a film analysis or a film breakdown. I want a review. I want to be told the general plot, the acting, the directing etc

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 6:21 p.m. CST

    And other thing... (Whoa! My English skills is inferiour!)

    by TheFoywonder

    "Even Ebert doesn't resort to this craptom." I don't think Ebert has ever used the word "craptom" in a review so spare us from the wrath of your superiority complex. And McBain, please don't bother replying with another long winded diatribe where you demonstrate your grammatical masterhood over a juvenile vulgarian like myself because nobody cares. Okay, now I'm done with you.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 6:40 p.m. CST

    Sunburns Are God's Curse For George Washington's Chopped Cherry

    by Ed McBain

    I

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 7 p.m. CST

    "I know you are, but what am I?"

    by John Travolta

    "I'm bored with you." Ah yes, the Pee Wee Herman aka Chicken-run defense. When you can't defend yourself, just run. You know what foywonder, I'll WRITE a response to Mcbain's post for you! I guy like you should not be wasting time responding to critics, run along and write a super duper 50 page review of GIGLI, I'll handle this sucker!! "Dear Mcbain, I'm sorry that you don't like my review of Timecop 2. However, you are wrong about me supposedly mock Harry Knowles in my writing style, I've actually developed my own writing style entitled Wonder Writing! What you do is explain every single scene of the movie, right down to the second. Why? It's hilarious! It's funny as hell! I'm laughing right now like a school girl just thinking about it! Here's an excerpt from the FULL timecop2 review I posted. It was a lot funnier, but Mori cut it down for some odd reason. It's funny as hell though, check it out!!!!!!!!.......... -1 second in, and I just hate how all movies start off with black. Don't you? Why not just use red or green? How bout rainbow colors? This is why the movie industry sucks balls. They start off with A BLACK FRIGGIN SCREEN! -2 seconds into timecop 2 but it's still black! Dammit, when is the movie gonna start!! -3 seconds into timecop 2 and the screen is still black! Man this movies already sucks more then the original timecop. 3 seconds of black screen???!? What are these idiots thinking!!!! -4 seconds in and SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS!!!!!! At the 4 second mark of timecop 2, the movie screen is black... Isn't it funny! Hahahaha I tell ya, I'm a genius! This writing style is going to not only make me rich, but I'll soon be able to get a job that doesnt involve chiseling crust off old peoples asses at the hospital. Oh man, I didn't mean to type that! Too bad I don't have a backspace key on my keyboard which would not only prevent me from revealing information about my sad life, but also prevent me from TYPING 5 PAGES BOOK REPORTS ON SHITTY MOVIES. The savior of AICN, Foywonder. The End."

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 7:12 p.m. CST

    "The award for funniest fucking post goes to - John Travolta!"

    by Southside Jim

    "-4 seconds in and SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS!!!!!! At the 4 second mark of timecop 2, the movie screen is black..." Major street cred to Johnny!

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 7:27 p.m. CST

    Wow....

    by UberSpectre

    You guys enjoy making fun of each other and what not over a Time Cop 2 review? Save it for a review for maybe a bigger movie or at least a movie that will see movie screens

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 7:43 p.m. CST

    You are fucking right Boris!

    by super Cucaracha

    What the fuck happened with the real movie news beeeatches?!!!

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 7:45 p.m. CST

    Mr. Beaks, I think Ed McBain is after your crown

    by Ribbons

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 9:47 p.m. CST

    I guess I should be flattered that two guys like John Travolta a

    by TheFoywonder

    Nope. Still bored.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 9:59 p.m. CST

    When People Were Insects And Lived By The Stems Of Tulips

    by Ed McBain

    I always thought Travolta was cool. And I have been vindicated! Encomium to you Johnny! Funniest damn satire I've read in ages. If only The Simpson's had you as a writer.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 10:02 p.m. CST

    TIME OUT

    by TomVee

    In the not too distant past, there was a lengthy series of short stories about so-called Timecops that were then collected into a volume, or two, or three, now all sadly out of print. These were wonderful stories and might have made an entertaining movie. Just as there were numerous short stories about crearures called Fuzzies, also collected eventually into two or three volumes. Too bad Lucas didn't use some of the plots instead of just ripping off the characters to create his Ewoks.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 10:06 p.m. CST

    WHITE CASTLE

    by TomVee

    Here's one for you trivia-minded TBers: John Beck, who costars with Lee in TIMECOP2, played Frank Castle on one of the SPIDERMAN TV series. Frank Castle, as in THE PUNISHER.

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 10:57 p.m. CST

    This movie would be better if it had time-traveling werewolves.

    by Uncle Stan

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 11:39 p.m. CST

    by Sro100

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 11:41 p.m. CST

    Timecop 2

    by Sro100

    Excellent review. It certainly makes me want to see this; in a certain frame of mind. My favorite bad movie, so far, is "American Ninja 2: The Confrontation."

  • Aug. 25, 2003, 11:49 p.m. CST

    Give Foywonder a break...

    by Kanned_Food

    Christ! Who cares about the style of review that Foywonder uses! He reviews bad movies! No bad movie deserves a sophisticated or traditional review... none! The foywonder gives out so much detail just so we don't have to go out and suffer through the movies ourselves. I would much rather read the Foywonder's reviews than pay five dollars to waste my time with movies like Timecop 2. And guess what!? The Foywonder's reviews are funny! This, after many a review at AICN. Ed McBain and John Travolta may not realize it, and certainly don't act like it, but the Foywonder has posted many reviews before-- all of them have given my dorm buddies a great laugh. I don't think the Foywonder should change his style at all... My advice to talkbackers like Ed McBain and John Travolta is: Choose your battles wisely. Do you really think you are going to gain much by bashing this review? I mean, Timecop 2 is a terrible movie-- should we waste our time in ensuring it receives a traditional review, the likes of which that are found in newspapers? When it comes down to it, Timecop 2 will never get any attention by any newspaper. It will never receive a traditional review because no "sophisticated" critic wants to watch this rubbish. Only the Foywonder cares to abuse himself with such fodder, and because of this, I think he has earned the right to present his opinions and thoughts in any way he wants.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 12:01 a.m. CST

    I just don't get it

    by malador

    I mean McBain Travolta your obviously fairly smart guys, but I don't get your fascination with Foywonder. You appear to have a handle on his writing style and it's obviously not to your taste, so why plough through his admittedly long review/deconstruction of a movie you probably have no interest in seeing. Whats to gain guys if its style points for wit you get a 7/10 but why not put it to some constructive use eh. Oh and bitching about his bitching that the movie isn't how he would have made is a bit pointless. This is a movie geeks website and movie geeks always have ideas about how a movie should have been made. If thats not to your taste then find another one there's plenty out there.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 12:40 a.m. CST

    Hey Ed McBain...

    by AbleThought

    I could care less about Timecop 2 or getting involved in the age old verbal pissing contest between yourself, John Travolta (scientolo-GIST!!), and FoyWonder...but what John Travolta did was a PARODY, not a SATIRE. For someone who is "fairly smart" posting on a site dedicated to film, you should know that. Oh yeah, R.I.P. Wesley Willis: wesley willis rocked us with a head butt. he was a crazy rock machine. i liked him like milk on corn flakes. he was my favorite hellride artist. I liked the way he rocked. I liked the way he rolled. Cancer is a demon asshole. Rock over Lansing, Rock on Naples. Waffle House: America's place to Work, America's place to Eat.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 12:54 a.m. CST

    Encomium to you, Kanned Food!

    by Ribbons

    You hit the nail on the head, my laid-back friend! I have been vindicated! And no, being obnoxiously verbose does not necessarily make you more intelligent than your opponent. It's nothing more than a "Shock and Awe" campaign, as opposed to Foy's "Chicken Run" tactic that Ed McBain seems to scoff at. Oh yeah, and you used "encomium" incorrectly, you pretentious thesaurus-thumper.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 1:12 a.m. CST

    You must be on crack if you think $35 million is NOT MUCH OF A B

    by jackburton2003

    Christ, are you insane? Saying that $35 million isn't a lot of money? AS if it was some chump change? Christ sake, you retard, I know 100s of filmmakers who could make a GODDAMN MASTERPIECE out of 10-FRIGGIN-PERCENT of $35 million dollars!!! Ed McBain, you are officially a stupid douche bag.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 1:21 a.m. CST

    Ed Mcbain and John Travolta vs Ribbons and JackBurton?

    by Meleractor

    Who said tribal wars were eradicted with the advent of "civilization", eat your heart out Stephen Pinker, I've got front row seats!

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 1:25 a.m. CST

    Wait! wait! (raises sheild as he enters the fray) that's "eradic

    by Meleractor

    okay, continue.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 1:29 a.m. CST

    Christ!!! that's "shield" GRRRRRR!!

    by Meleractor

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 1:37 a.m. CST

    What would really happen if Van Damme was a Timecop?

    by RalphMaggio

    Destination #1, J.Lo's mansion ...Snuff out Asslik and tap that 'p*ssy from the block' hard. --#2- Madonna circa 92...go to work on her, just make sure she shaved that day.--- #3. Charlies Angels 2 set and a bag of Rohypnol. Although you probably wouldn't bother with Drew these days, but a Lui-Moore-Diaz sandwich would be tasty. ---#4- Boss gives you a message to stop f*cking around and get back to your TimeCop duties. ---#5-Go back a year, get your boss fired then steal his wife...for a night ---#6- Eat that suckaahz!!! i'm the baddest mofo on the planet... In this epoch or the next...i will have my poon-tang!

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 1:59 a.m. CST

    My Ears Are Reeling From My Overdose Of Spaghetti Sauce

    by Ed McBain

    For an action adventure sci-fi film about time traveling starring Van Damme at the peak of his stardom, it is.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 2:07 a.m. CST

    Pokemon? In My Day With Had Belts And I Didn't Hear Anyone Not C

    by Ed McBain

    No, it was completely satirical.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 7:43 a.m. CST

    If Van Damme became a timecop...

    by John Travolta

    The thought of Jean Claude running around in time makes me cringe. Can you imagine what type of destruction that doofus would cause to the timeline? If Van Damme became a timecop, the world would be ruled by raccoons. They would all sport a pony tail, talk in "van damme" language, and constantly do the splits between 2 chairs for no reason what-so ever.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 8:59 a.m. CST

    Schlock and awe....

    by gg

    That

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 9:40 a.m. CST

    gg

    by TheFoywonder

    That is the stupidest thing anyone has said in this talkback yet. Hell, that's one of the single stupidest things I've heard in my entire life. If "Schlock & Awe" offends you then you because you see it as some sort of endorsement of killing Arabs then you really, really, really need to get a life. And considering your email address starts with Satan44 I could turn around and ask you something equally stupid about offending people of faith just for some stupid geek email address. Wow, where do anal retentive idiots like you come from?

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 10:18 a.m. CST

    This is CLASSIC Knowles, wanting something that isn't there

    by RenoNevada2000

    Oh brother guys, give it up. I'll admit I thought Harry was a little off base with his MATRIX comments about vamps and werewolfs, but hey, to each their own. It's been the jerkwad TBers who have drug the whoile thing out way past the point of being funny straight into FRIENDS territory. As for complaining about a time-travel movie that didn't really utilize the time travel concept? Well that's a perfectly valid complaint in my eyes. It's the same as saying that characters were ill-defined or not given any rational motivation. If a plot or plot element that is the central conceit of the film is under-developed, of course it's going to affect the quality of the flick.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 11:18 a.m. CST

    Oh my!

    by gg

    Basically this was the last drop, and not so much a reaction to your particular use of military codenames for murder operations, to advert your product. I

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 11:31 a.m. CST

    Time cop was a great movie

    by flint1976

    I love time travel films and the whole concept of going back in time to change the future. It's too bad that Van Damme ruined his career becaused this film really was one of his best.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 12:30 p.m. CST

    gg, I'm sorry but it remains the dumbest thing I've heard in qui

    by TheFoywonder

    Dude, you have other issues with other people and you desperately want to argue with others about it. Go right ahead and bitch and moan and whine and complain and debate with anyone willing to acknowledge you and your politics. I don't come to Ain't It Cool News for political discussions so I'm not going to debate you. And if you don't think the mentioning of "Satan" would bother a lot of religious people then you are pretty clueless yourself. And if you think those relgious people are anal then you really need to listen to yourself for a few minutes. If you find "Schlock & Awe" in poor taste, well, that's your problem, not mine. You're the first person I've heard from who takes issue with it and I've heard from people all over the world.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 1:08 p.m. CST

    Memo to JSL: FIRE YOUR AGENT!

    by SPY-der

    Dude, seriously, you had such potential. I saw DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY, and you were really good in it. Wasted in SOLDIER, and that was probably the downturn for your entire career. Honestly, two DRACULA 2000 sequels? A you-know-its-gonna-suck PROPHECY IV? What's with all the direct-to-video stuff, Jason? I know it's a paycheck, but still... All those roles that everyone is building for the Rock right now, those could be yours, dude. You've got the looks, the bod, and the moves. No reason you ought to be consigned to d-t-v hell. Fire your agent. - SPYder, out.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 1:39 p.m. CST

    Well, at least you

    by gg

    You are probably right that I don

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 3:06 p.m. CST

    Timecop 3: Operation destroy the first two.

    by Dragonarm

    How about a movie about a guy who goes back in time to prevent these movies from ever being made.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 5:28 p.m. CST

    You were a bad guy in Timecop!

    by Filthy Fox

    Without timecop would ron silver be as funny as he was in heat vision and jack? Ron Silver was the best part about that show.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 8:14 p.m. CST

    Where'd all the creative trolls go?

    by Balaabaribibo

    All we're left with in here is some poor schmuck with a thesaurus & posts with titles generated by bad Surrealist writing techniques who keeps making vague accusations about Foywonder's reviews sounding like Harry's. I suppose this approach could theoretically work if done more subtly but then McBain pulls out the old "grammar/spelling nitpick" schtick. Sorry, but that simply doesn't fly on AICN, where no one expects sterling English from anyone not named Alexandra DuPont. A solid troll should aim to speak *directly* to his target audience, not merely make an offhand nitpick that doesn't go anywhere. Moreover, the entire premise that McBain is supposed to be coming off as trying to criticize a review of Timecop 2, of all films, for not being professional enough is too asinine to be called accomplished trolling. And then there's that John Travolta guy who actually doesn't realize that sarcasm, especially combined with the overuse of exclamation points, is only funny when used sparingly. Every newbie these days seems to be under the false impression that being mean-spirited in a pseudo-hip way (by employing the post-modern idea of putting 'quote-marks' around everything they say) automatically constitutes good trolling. This would've been fine if we were living in the immediate Kevin Smith/Williamson 90's where self-referential wink-winks & simplistic parodies ruled the Earth but for the modern troll quite pass

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 8:53 p.m. CST

    Dragon was disgraceful!

    by RalphMaggio

    JSL was good in Dragon, and Dragpn was a solid film... but he was not playing the real f****n Bruce Lee!! It was mini-series melodrama ,'look at how Bruce loves Linda so much' kinda shit. ---Hardly the story of the man who dedicated his life to becoming the Perfect Warrior, is it.---Jason Scot Lee is an asian actor without much of a gimmick, which is hardly enough for Hollywood...I mean look how long it took for Jackie Chan, Chow Yun Fat etc to get noticed. And now they're past their prime which sucks!

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 9:05 p.m. CST

    oh my gawd! Oh my gawd! Foy gets email from around the world!!

    by Southside Jim

    Thatz of the hizzle fo shizzle! I getz the same thing too, it's called spam!

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 9:55 p.m. CST

    I Was Made Of Glass And Could Fire Off A Hundred Rounds A Second

    by Ed McBain

    I pulled out no "grammar/spelling nitpick". I made a perfectly persuasive point that Foy could not comprehend what I had written and seeing as a MAJOR part of his rebuttal was based on something he didn't understand, I think I have an extremely valid point. And I am no newbie or troll, Sir. I have been here for over a year and have contributed many diligent posts. Apparently if you have a criticism against something, you are a troll.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 10:28 p.m. CST

    TIMECOP time travel made more sense T3 time travel

    by fAbs

    Seriously. If you really think about it, time travel in T3 made even less sense than TIMECOP. T1 was like 12 monkey, where trying to change the past only cause the present/future to be like it was (which makes perfect sense). T2 they think they've changed the future, but it is never proven, therefore we can still assume 12 monkeys style fate. T3, the war has been "delayed" (thus the future WAS changed) which completely screws everything up and we are left with our minds boggled if we think about its time travel problems too much. TIMECOP however just had plain 'we can change the present by altering the passed' time travel theory which has problems which we already know about (from the many other time travel movie) but havecome to accept.

  • Aug. 26, 2003, 11:46 p.m. CST

    the Vulcan Science Council has concluded that time travel is imp

    by Meleractor

  • Aug. 27, 2003, 12:11 a.m. CST

    Hey Mr.Glass

    by Ribbons

    Yeah, you. Would that be a mirror we're talking about, or are you so emotionally fragile that you have to bully an unprofessional critic over his writing style to avoid breaking? With all due respect, we're TALKING ABOUT TIMECOP 2! Reviews of abysmal films generally go in-detail when describing said film's awfulness, just for the reader to get a more visceral sense of just how bad it is. To say "there were plot holes up the wazoo, the plot was stupid and the characters unlovable and poorly-drawn, and the acting was awful" is quite the understatement. You've just described about 20 summer movies. I've surmised from your posts that you're not much of a fan of Ebert, but poring over any of the films he gave ZERO STARS to (case in point: 'Phantoms,' 'Patch Adams (which actually got, like, half a star),' and 'An Alan Smithee Film Burn Hollywood Burn') will give you similar parallels to our boy Foy, although the writing style is a tad less cringe-inducing. Maybe "real" movie buffs read someone else like Walter Chaw or Bill Chambers (who also "stoop" to the same technique at times), but I suppose I'm just not an erudite enough critic of erudite-enough critics. So there's that, not to mention the fact that it's impossible to ape Harry's writing style since he doesn't even have a writing style to begin with. Maybe if Foy wrote a sentence along the lines of "This movie isn't like a shit, it's like taking a shit, looking at the shit in your toilet bowl, taking a grainy, Polaroid picture of your shit and showing everybody a picture of that shit," I'd get a bit suspicious, but until that day comes, claims such as yours don't hold much water. This is AICN we're talking about; most reviews are unpolished and look like transcripts of drinking game conversations (drunkenness and all). Saying "whoa, whoa, whoa" doesn't merit the tag of "Fledgling Harry Knowles." I do agree with you that Foywonder shouldn't look for things that aren't there, but I can also see where he's coming from in this case. I'm fairly confident that a lot of film buffs share the same gripe over 'Timecop' as he does, and that he didn't deliberately search for something that he could complain didn't exist to be more like Harry. In closing, you might want to craft your oh-so diligent posts in regards to something that's actually, y'know, important. Do you even really give a shit about how bad his review is? Or do you want other people to know it's not up to your standards? A man who specializes in bad reviews makes no apologies for what he does, and I'm sure you would never allow yourself to see this movie in the first place. Your posts are a bigger waste of time than the review itself, and that's part of the reason you're still arguing over something that means nothing.

  • Aug. 27, 2003, 1:04 a.m. CST

    Whoa, Nelly!!!

    by Mophstymeo

    I truly don't understand the venom in some of the responses to this review. OK, so maybe it's more than a review -- but you should be well-aware of this fact since Foy has posted here many times before. You don't like his style? Don't read his work!!! For crying out loud, it really is THAT simple. There really is no point bitching and moaning about someone's writing abilities when you constantly subject yourself to the pain you so vociferously decry. It's like poking yourself in the eye and then complaining that your eye is hurting. C'mon! Use some common sense. I happen to have found the review/analysis hysterically funny. Does it matter that he gave so much info? NO! Did you honestly plan to see this movie?!? Were you all set and ready to run out and pay $14.95 at Target to buy this straight-to-DVD movie, but now that he's gone and "ruined" it, you're forced to sit at home and plan to purchase Gigli for your collection of all-time great American films? For the love God and all that is holy: He "ruined" the movie to spare us the pain! What *do* they teach in schools these days?!?

  • Aug. 27, 2003, 4:53 a.m. CST

    TIME COP WAS SHIT - The writers knew nothing of time travel - he

    by TheGinger Twit

    Hang around - There is a Time Travel film being produced in Australia that is going to kick every Time Travel film thus far in the balls.... Trust me!

  • Aug. 27, 2003, 8:24 a.m. CST

    Foywonder

    by Deas

    What a great review. Genuinely funny reviews of genuinely crap films. More of it please! The thing is, after reading that, I really want to watch it. I know he wasn't in it but have a look at the funniest Van Damme page I've ever seen at http://www.geocities.com/hollywood/academy/7928/films.html. Enjoy!

  • Aug. 31, 2003, 7:01 a.m. CST

    Let's Settle this, c'mon put up yer dukes, wise-guy!

    by The Pants

    The Lord Magnificent El Scotto de Foyo, great review. As is custom, I must go see this turd, on your advice. I still can't believe the sheer awful excruciating pain that was "Pinata: Survival Island." Oh god, the horror!!! Or "Dragon Fighter" (shutters). Your reviews are always a breath of fresh ass around in h'yah. As you called in the beginning and for the same reason I stopped posting over the last few months: The TBers bitched about the length of the review and then they resorted to Message Board Dick Measuring contests. AICN-TB is a lame pathetic joke. Anywho, to gg, I think the whole "Schlock and Awe" thing isn't necessarily degrading to the people who suffered as a result of the "Flightsuit-in-chief's" military strategy of mass murder to gain voter appeal, as much as it was a mockery of the Flightsuit-in-chief's decision to REALLY sell the ignorant Fox News Lovin' right-wing moronificent stuptacular portion of America on killing millions for fun and glory. Bush should be offended (and hung) not decent people like yourself. Secondly, or thirdly, I'm not counting, McBain, Travolta, Jesus Christo you guys got a frickin' bug up your asses. The Foywonder writes a nice little review and you have to bitch for hours about how he does his job? Mr. Foy doesn't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth and complain about your style of bj's. Shyt! But, bitches need to bitch so I've decided to leave you with a special activity puzzle. Enjoy nitpicking THIS grammar: I was gonna wach thiss hear muvie butt than the fooyWunder roat that revyou that sed the muvie was reely bad so I thinked I wuld insted sea maytrix relowdid insted cuz it better to and all so the revyou wuz way to long it hurt my hed tring to reed all them wurds. Hope you enjoyed, cia bella, um costra fave. The Pants.