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Pyul grinds GRIND to the forgettable dust that it deserves to be ground to...
Hey folks, Harry here with a film for Foywonder to enjoy... hehehe... The mysterious Pyul MacTackle incinerates GRIND, which at today's screening of THIRTEEN that I attended, I was told... "sucked puppy balls" - whew. Here ya go...
Hey Harry,
Wish I could have made Camp Hack'N'Slash, but alas my boss is a total prick. Unfortunately for me not only doesn God hate me, but God REALLY hates me, replacing the chance to see Freddy Vs. Jason with chance to see Warner Brothers piece of shit attempt at winning over teens, GRIND.
Well, it was inevitible. Almost every major studio had to take a gigantic shit this summer and send it to theatres if only to make their other films look better by comparison. MGM sqeezed out Legally Blonde 2, Fox huffed and puffed over LXG, Paramount grunted out Tomb Raider 2, Sony/Revolution splashed out Gigli, New Line had a case of the runs with How to Deal, Disney sprayed the bowl with the Lizzie Maguire Movie and Universal Splattered out both 2 Fast 2 Furious and American Wedding. So it was only fitting that Warner Brothers threw their hat into the flushing arena with potentially the worst of the bunch, Grind.
Now what many of the aforementioned films had was some kind of potential, or at least a previously entertaining film to draw an audience from. Grind was obviously retarded from birth. This film has nothing, no I literally mean nothing, going for it. Written by a first time writer (but long time music supervisor) this film fails to have anything resembling a decent, coherant script to work from. This movie meanders from cliche to cliche without a single piece of funny material to carry it and manages not to simply borrow, but STEAL from films dozens of times better than this. Then take a first time director (and producer of at least a few good movies, including Donnie Darko) and give him this vapid, uninteresting script and let the pain begin. I expect both to return to their previous jobs next Monday morning.
I hope to God this film isn't the product of the Alan Horn era, but rather a misguided relic of the Lorenzo era at Warners, otherwise they are in some SERIOUS trouble. This is one of those films that you simply can't wait to end. In the immortal words of R. Lee Ermy "I didn't know they piled shit that high."
What really makes this film a cut above the rest in the summer race for the Razzies is it's actors. Oh lord how this cast sucks. I swear the Transpo for this movie had to be done with a short bus.
Most offensive is Joey Kern who has proven himself in his short career to actually have a bit of talent. Playing the funny as hell blonde stoner pulled over in Super Troopers and turning out a good performance in Cabin Fever, someone decided that rather than creating a character of his own for Grind, Joey should play Matthew McConaughey's brilliant character David Wooderson from Linklater's classic Dazed and Confused. Note for Note. Line for line. I shit you not. There's dialog in here pirated straight out of Dazed and Confused. He even tries to nail the delivery of McConaughey but fails miserably.
Then there's Vince Vieluf, who was quite amusing as Seth green's brother in Rat Race. Well, here he proves that it was most likely working around the likes of Seth Green that made him LOOK funny rather than actually being funny himself. Much like Grind itself, he plays a big, dumb brick who thinks he's funny but ultimately isn't.
Then there's Mike Vogel, who if he isn't any better in the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre then he'll soon be working at a fast food restaurant near you and you can thank him personally for the pain his acting inflicted upon me. The same can also be said of Adam Brody who, while having a nice TV career including a stint on Gilmore Girls, will probably be back on TV fairly quickly.
And then there's Jason London. The other white London. Together with his twin brother Jeremy I think one might be able to milk enough talent to start a car, but that may be stretching it a bit. Now when you put one of the London brothers in the roll of the "ultra-cool" figure which the main characters are trying to impress, well frankly you've got bigger problems than just a bad script and a talentless director. You've got something that screams Direct to Video.
But what really mires this film in movie hell is all the cameos they throw at you in hopes of impressing you. Honestly, when was the last time you saw anything good that finished off the opening actor credits with "And Randy Quaid"? Well, how about a helping of Tom Green? Not enough for you, how about Bobcat Goldthwaite (looking more like an aging pre-op transexual than the comedian we all know and love) turing in his least funny performance yet? Wanna be really depressed, check out the angry dad coming to kick matthe..uh...Joey Kern's ass. I swear to god it's Kane Hodder. And if it really is, man, such a depressing turn to appear in this the same weekend that Freddy Vs. Jason opens. How the mighty has fallen. Throw in some nostalgia with Donald Gibb (Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds) and watch him actually, painfully, say "You want me to get rid of these NERDS?" and you've got the makings for some embarressing, painful movie experiences. But, lest we not forget, most of these appearances are uncredited. Maybe they had the sense to take a paycheck and ask to have their name removed. All of these people, Randy Quaid included (I can't believe I'm saying this), are much, much better than this.
Essentially four buddies decide to try and impress a world renown skater with their abilities. Too bad he's driving around the country on a national tour. You know what that means, right? Yes, Roadtrip cliche after roadtrip cliche in which everyone comes to grip with their problems that, well, many of which we aren't told about until they come to grips with them. I mean honestly, who would have guessed that one of the kids had parents in clown college and that his whole rebellion thing stems from that? Deep huh? And too bad one of the characters had to blow his college savings on the roadtrip right? All $750 of it. What college was he planning on going to? Jr. College is more expensive than that. Good thing everything works out in the end after all. That's literally the movie.
This movie fails to be funny at every joke it makes and continues to bore the audience through every last frame. The skating fails to be impressive and the soundtrack blows goats with the kind of music that just barely fails to make the cut at MTV. Even the studio rep walked out shaking his head. Expect this movie to die hard this weekend and never be heard from again. Except maybe at the Razzies. God, what a total waste of my time. And to think, with all the time I spent watching this garbage, I could have been hammering a nail into my skull. Sure it would have killed as many brain cells, but I don't think it would have hurt as much.
Painfully,
Pyul Mactackle
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Go team! sk
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Aug 12, 2003 2:34:17 PM CDT
This makes a person long for the days of Rad, Airborne, and Gymk
by declan_swartz
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Aug 12, 2003 2:41:17 PM CDT
I hope this movie and everyone in it feels some sort of pain
by uberspectre
This movie is one of those stupid used to be a trend movie's.... I hope this movie bombs so hard that no one in this movie works again... The trailers suck and Freddy vs. Jason will kick all ass, I am done
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The only problem with the review is the attempt to come up with several different ways a person can convey "took a shit". The rest is good. The commercials for the movie seemed really stupid (the funniest line they could come up with is "Somebody get the moron out of the pool!"?), and this review is the clincher. Someone must kill MTV!
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Aug 12, 2003 3:04:12 PM CDT
Driving a nail in your skull? Man, this guy felt the same way I
by angry man
Damn, that movie sucked ant balls!
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yeah right lol
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I will bet money that one day i'll be walking through the mall, and as I pass by a bunch of abercrombie clad, punk wannabe, teenagers i'll hear some dumbass guy tell some equally stupid girl that he represents the releasing the twins foundation. You'll know when it happens, the breaking news story on CNN will be 12 killed in vicious mall slaughter, killer claims it was "for the good of all", and that it was simply "thinning the herd".
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Actually, I've had this movie in my crosshairs for months. The real question is whether or not I'll be able to bring myself to watch MARCI X when it opens. And you can now read my much-delayed reviews of LXG and GIGLI at www.schlocktoberfest.com - the home of "Foyerism"
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"hehe heh"... Is this shit NECESSARY? Does Harry have to type this shit to indicate laughter?? Harry, you could just say, "That made me laugh." I'll bet even Richard Roeper doesn't write that kinda shit in his reviews.
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Just thought I'd get it out of the way.
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Isn't this the xtreme sportz comedy flick whose endlessly repeating TV commercials highlight the comedic stylings of the guy who passed Ross Gellar's paleontology class by saying he loved him? How could it fail?
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I feel that I have to actually DEFEND Gymkata. Gymkata is one of those "So bad I have to watch it" movies...An instant classic. There are so many funny parts of that movie, man, I don't know where to begin. Somebody out there has to agree with me...GYMKATA IS AN EXQUISITE FILM. Rent it and see.
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Ya this movie looked bad the first time I saw the trailer. I think most poeple can see that this movie sucks balls, but Im sure quite a few skatter punks will go see this trash. From what I got from the trailer this movie was trying for some kind of JackAss movie, meets skatter movie, meets teen movie thing. Its so painfull when studios put out this kind of crap.
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it's obvious.
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Aug 12, 2003 4:10:34 PM CDT
hmmm...what kind of review would Billy Madison have gotten?
by purplemonkeydw
I have a feeling my cousin's in high school are going to looooooooooove this movie. Just like they loved Super Troopers...and I hated it. Except for the meow bit.
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Last night in the theatre my girlfriend turned to me and said that this movie looks good and will probably make alot of money. I dumped her. Dazed and Confused is one of the best movies of the 90's. a stroke of genious.
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My friends and I used to rent horrible movies in high school. We'd watch them at 2 in the morning when we were all sleepy-stoned. Sometimes, it would take three hours to view one, with the pants-shitting laughter and numerous rewindings factored in. Gymkata was a jem. We had seen it as little kids and thought it was awesome. Not so when we were older. My favourite scenes are "the convenient pummel-horse in the alley", and when Mr. Gymkata is trying to impress the girl by regailing her with what we deemed "clappy-flips." If anybody has seen any of these movies, let me know: Curse of the Blue Lights, The Satan Killer, War Bus Commando, One Man Force, or anything starring the dynamic team of Billy Blanks and Roddy Piper.
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Rad was a classic...but what about the skateboard equivalent Thrashin'? It's the best "skate" move ever made. You have top level pros (tony hawk, christian hasoi, etc.) and skate joisting....what more could you want.
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Aug 12, 2003 5:38:47 PM CDT
It's official...this is the worst summer in movie history.
by super cucaracha
I thought this summer was going to kick ass after X-Men 2. This movie looks so bad that I get pissed off when I see it advertised on TV. I am going back to porn beeeatches!
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They are to blame for this kind of shit being made. We need to cut their heads off and fuck'em with a broomstick..NWA was cool.
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gymkata...classic
my friends and i used to look forward to watching USA Up All Night...then, go rent the un-edited B-movies for ourselves (who could forget 'Getting Lucky')...good times great oldies...not the best written submission...i'm sorry...please forgive me...please... -
I was saying the same thing. I know I will see some juvenille shit saying the "Release the twins." line sooner than later and when that happends someone better call Bad Boys Bail Bonds, cause this fool is going out in a blaze of glory. To make matters worse I heard some 14 year old shits stealing the whole "You know what gets me? If Pluto and Goofy are both dogs, then why can't Pluto talk like Goofy, yadda yadda yadd, suck me."
Quick one bitch, it's not like anyone has ever thought of that before and I'm SURE the animators who thought it up laughed about it long before either he or I was born. Keep watching MTV kids, we need more stupid people in the world, it makes it easier for the rest of us to keep our jobs. What saddens me is that I've heard more shit talking about the Star Wars Prequels than this turd. Here I'll say it first, "At least the acting was better than in Star Wars." This place disgusts me!!! Yet I somehow return time after time... -
...because my parents won't pay for HBO.
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please? -
Freddy vs. Jason will butcher all of them. Open Range, Uptown Girls, and especially Grind. I'm watching the commercials for this and I'm starting to wonder if they were intentionally making a stupid movie. The producer isn't even doing his job in making this seem enjoyable. The people who emulate the stunts on Jackass are the same morons who are the type who would watch this movie. This is exactly why we need Jackass back on television, to get these idiots to start setting themselves on fire and getting hit by cars again.
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I have to review this thing for Purdue University's newspaper, and dammit I just want to die quickly and mercilessly. I'm sure aside from me being the only black dude in the entire theatre(not that it's bothered me before, mind you), it'll be chock full of wannabe skater bo1s and grrrls(pardon the vomit) that crack up at each and every PG-13 sex related scene in it. Purdue seriously needs to raise their standards when it comes to entertainment reviews.
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They keep making these movies. Yes Rad and Airborne are true classics filled with moments that still make me laugh. I would also like to add the Christian Slater coolness that IS Gleaming the Cube! Oh yeah and the North Shore! Still that chick in here looks cute. Loved the review. Also, although it is likely not in the same sub heading...I strongly reccomend Cool as Ice. Okay I don't have anything to say except somebody told me I would be seeing SWAT in an empty theatre in the SWAT review. Care to amend your statement? Sure, it could have been better. But did you see the rest of this summer! Had some cool stuff.
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Aug 12, 2003 7:05:22 PM CDT
FUCK these skater loving Jackass mtv watching Fuck heads!
by rcamacho2278
Stupidest generation ive ever seen. And making another special appearance is that fucken idiot who beats his Dumb as shit father on JACKASS. I swear these kids are the worst damn generation EVER,
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Aug 12, 2003 7:35:12 PM CDT
Grind's earnings will GRIND to a halt after the first weekend...
by doom ii
This movie looks like comedy gold. Right up there with The Water Boy and Not Another Teen Movie. Boy were those movies funny. I hope Grind has a nerd/virgin character and a fat guy that eats sandwiches through the whole movie.
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Jesus Christ, does Pyul only review blatant shit-fests, or has it just been a streak lately? Even this walloping turd didn't give him any material to make cool points with like LCTR:TCOL did. By the way, the longest acronym of the summer award goes to POTC:TCOTBP!
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Then they should just buy them all dimebags and get them laid. It's a hell of a lot cheaper, and I don't have to be subjected to previews and ads for shit like this or How To Deal.
I saw a preview for Grind when I went to see Pirates of The Caribbean.... and people actually laughed... and not at how horrible Grind looks.... I've never wished for a freak gasline explosion more in my life.... -
Aug 12, 2003 7:53:44 PM CDT
I saw Christopher McDonald at a screening of GREASE 2 a couple m
by beamish13
at the Nuart in L.A. Very cool guy, but I won't be shilling out money to see this dreck.
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These kids suck. It's like they were bred to be the antithesis to the WW2 generation.
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It was the video game that kept audiences away!!!! Yeah, that was it! The video game, I tells ya!!!!!!
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WOW! If the way movies are bombing right now, Freddy VS Jason could
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is a "Dirt Bike Kid" remake.
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Back in the 80's we had shit like My Tutor, Joy Sticks and Porky's 2:The Next Day. Yeah, so none of those three were Poochie the Rockin' Dog totally Xtreme faggotry like this here GRIND. Let's not split hairs. They were obviously marketed to the same audience - horndog teenagers anxious to find another outlet for their allowance than Galaga machines and Jolly Ranchers. I can predict, though, how many nubile teenybopper breasteses there will be in GRIND. Tee hee, a movie that uses the "releasing the twins" hilarity ad nauseam in its ads that everyone knows will feature absolutely NO TWINS ACTUALLY RELEASED AT ANY TIME. Sounds like a real piece of shit!
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Aug 13, 2003 4:25:15 AM CDT
SO WE ALL AGREE THEN? FUCK GRIND and FUCK the people who MADE th
by rcamacho2278
shit who said this website was going down? Where else can you voice your opinion so Greatly????
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Don't forget two other classic Gymkata sequences: "Man chops off own hand to show that he is insane, but then runs away in pain," and "parallel bar suspended between two buildings for no apparent reason."
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I'm coming out of the closet as a Gymkata lover, and I'm not looking back!
Gymkata is easily one of the worst fucking ideas turned into one of the most ridiculously watchable train wrecks ever. The star of that film(name escapes me)rules Dudikoff's ass with an iron fist!
Don't get me wrong I'm a fairly competent filmgoer w/ an equal taste for "highbrow" material, but I can't skimp on the comedy, and Gymkata is one of the funniest films ever made.
p.s., If you're into cheesy horror you HAVE to see "Patrick Still Lives"(unrated), great 70's euro-cheese with the most outrageous and mysoginistic impalement scene captured on film(w/ the exception of "Blood Sucking Freaks" midget masturbating w/ a woman's decapitated head.) -
if there are any aspiring screenwriters here, don't get mad if you can't even get someone to read your work. Because "Grind" apparently proves that first-time screenwriters aren't worth bothering with. It's better for everyone if you just stop writing forever and never again aspire to do anything creative. You probably shouldn't even go to the movies.
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It was my favorite movie as a kid... With the Tub tricks and everything... it was RAD :D
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