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Wacky Lesbianic 24 "News"!!

I am – Hercules!!

Okay, in our little summary of the “24” third season premiere earlier this week, we had a little fun suggesting that Kim’s new love interest might not necessarily be a dude -- but we were just kidding! In the script we read, Kim’s new love interest is all man.

This story made me run back to the script to check the gender of the pronouns. Nope, they’re masculine alright. But -- maybe they switched them to “she” and “her” when we weren’t looking! (For the record, Kim’s love interest this season has a not-very-gender-specific first name.) Nope. All my sources indicate they cast a feller as Kim’s new stud-muffin.

But! The news is from CBS 47 in Jacksonville! And there’re quote marks around the info! So it has to be right, right? Oh, wait. Where’s the byline?

I am – Hercules!!





Readers Talkback
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  • Aug. 7, 2003, 1:54 a.m. CST

    Wow this is amazing and I can't wait to...zzzzzzz

    by howardroark

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 1:59 a.m. CST

    Thanks For Clearing Things Up Herc

    by TFMinistry

    Every freaking 24 message-board I went to was buzzing with this rumour of Kim and lesbian escapades and NakedMandy... It got more absurd from each message board to the next. Thank you for finally putting an end to the rumour.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 1:59 a.m. CST

    I heard the new girlfriend is...

    by PlantBoy!

    ...Mila Kunis from That 70s Show. Apparently the Maxim shots of those two together gave the 24 writers the idea. That will single-handedly (pun intended) raise (another pun intended) the viewership 100%.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 2:18 a.m. CST

    She should go Lesbo

    by Darth Melkor

    Her last two boyfriends have wound up imprisoned and peg legged.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 2:28 a.m. CST

    Her love interest

    by Virtual Satyr

    is Jack Bauer. The Jack and Kim Bauer Incest Power Hour. Okay, I just creeped myself out typing that.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 3:15 a.m. CST

    Maybe Kimmy can get frisky with a female cougar!

    by jules windex

    Think about it. 24 can be the first show on network TV to bring beastiality into our homes.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 3:30 a.m. CST

    I now know the main plot

    by Virtual Satyr

    Yes Kim is a lebian. Jack finds out and vows to do whatever he can to change her back. The solution. Ben Affleck. But Jack only has 24 hours to convince Ben to seduce Kim, before Ben marries J.LO. My name is Jack Bauer and today is the longest day of Ben Affleck's life.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 4:01 a.m. CST

    It's late and my head is a bit fuzzy..

    by Adus

    so I'm admittedly a bit confused but where exactly is the "news" here? If I understand this "scoop" you're saying Kim is NOT a lesbian correct? Wow, I mean to quote Al Pacino in the underrated masterpiece "Heat" "I am fucking overwhelmed!" That's great stuff. What a bullshit waste of space. Sorry maybe I'm just grumpy. I think I'll just go to bed.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 4:43 a.m. CST

    Come on. It's obviously Tony.

    by Zod_Is_Back

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 5:12 a.m. CST

    Click on "This story"

    by Virtual Satyr

    to read the article about Kim being a lesbian.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 6:20 a.m. CST

    Going Lesbo is seriously going to impact the amount of white stu

    by vikingkitty

    She needs to stay on the same heterosexual team as Rachel Leigh Cook, Alicia Silverstone, and Felicia Fox, so as to maximize the amount of white stuff on her face.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 6:38 a.m. CST

    what ?!?!

    by punto

    if kim's not dating a girl, then who's gonna be the big bad of the 3rd season?!?! Nothing makes sense anymore!!

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 6:58 a.m. CST

    Why god invented girls with chemical imbalances

    by ChickenGeorgeVII

    catfights and shower scenes! Catfights And Shower Scenes!!!! CATFIGHTS AND SHOWER SCENES!!! CATFIGHTS AND SHOWER SCENES!!!!!!! CATFIGHTS AND SHOWER SCENES!!!!!!!!! CATFIGHTS AND SHOWER SCENES!!!!!!!!!!!!!....And thus, meow! - - - George, The 7th Chicken!!!!

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 7:25 a.m. CST

    And the nomination for best catfight and shower scene goes to ..

    by FrankCobretti

    Undercover Brother. As if there was any doubt.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 9:40 a.m. CST

    The love interest is...

    by rev_skarekroe

    ...Julia Sweeney in a triumphant return as "Pat"! It's about time. sk

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 9:41 a.m. CST

    Actually...

    by zer0cool2k2

    Kim's new love interest is being played by Amber Benson. She's being added to the cast because she has a lovely singing voice,and there's a musical episode planned for November sweeps. (Can't wait to hear Prez Palmer's version of "Mandy"). She's only signed for 18 episodes, so rumor is they plan to kill her character off violently, sending Kim off on rampage where she tries to destroy the world by starting WW III, and at the same time sparking a torrent of protest by lesbian 24 fans. Hey, no such thing as bad publicity.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 10:34 a.m. CST

    "Wacky Lesbianic 24 "News"!!"

    by DarthCorleone

    What a headline.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 1:05 p.m. CST

    Tony samples the menu

    by PlantBoy!

    He's doing Kim AND Michelle (AND Mandy, now that he's chosen to be this season's mole). Let's elect Tony as governor of California!

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 1:11 p.m. CST

    by KazamaSmokers

    What's this I hear about the Cyprus recordings being fakes?

  • The last poor bastard lost his leg! What will the next one lose!? Would a lesbian lover be any safer or would she be as doomed as Tara on Buffy?! I don't know, but they seem to have taken AICN's own TB suggestion of Kim becoming a CTU employee, so maybe they'll take the lesbian shower scene advice too. Mandy's even back! I swear to you, they make this show for AICN Talkbackers.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 1:41 p.m. CST

    THANK YOU GOD...

    by LiLBauer

    WOOO HOOO KIM & NINA MUD WRESTLING FOR JACK'S attention..... WOWZA

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 2:07 p.m. CST

    Real Hetros don't look like most movie stars

    by DupinLives

    Oh and Portia de Rossi is lesbian.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 3:21 p.m. CST

    Lesbionic action! Yeah!

    by Dlhstar

    A Secret Service agent fired for being lesbian is nearly killed by a car bomb planted by her superiors to prevent her from suing. She's rebuilt by a cabal of engineers from GALA's R&D division and turned into: The Lesbionic Woman! I can't wait for this character on 24! Oh, wait, it's LESBIANIC. Sorry

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 6:08 p.m. CST

    new plots...new characters...

    by ChickenGeorgeVII

    yeah yeah yeah...so we have hot steamy network tv female sudsy action......but the real selling point to this upcoming season will lie when Jack Bauer finally says "The entire state of California could get wiped out, Governor Coleman."....And thus, I have kept up with the times! - - - George, The 7th Chicken!!!!

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 6:54 p.m. CST

    Kim's love interest isn't a feller...it's a feline

    by HavokJD

    The cougar from the previous season returns, and Kim, always one to live a life of danger and make edgy decisions, decides to date the feline predator. They both retire to the California wlderness used in most CHIPS episodes and have a litter of kittens.

  • Aug. 7, 2003, 11:58 p.m. CST

    not to mention...

    by SkiffyPup

    I forget her name, but the hot brunette Baywatch gal has an identical twin sister who is lesbian. One straight one and one lesbian one! Fantasies for EVERYONE! BTW: The gay twin is a SF Firefighter and Stanford Grad. She wrote a book about it.

  • Aug. 8, 2003, 9:12 a.m. CST

    Absolutely fascinating.

    by film_editor17

    No, really. I'm riveted.

  • Aug. 8, 2003, 6:57 p.m. CST

    MOUSTACHE PETES

    by TomVee

    "They either look like guys or Ellen DeGeneres...If lesbians are attracted to women, why do they all look like men?" Good question. We all watch porn tapes or read magazines where extremely attractive women get it on with one another. But then we watch the news where NOW or GLAD officials are talking, or read the paper about some lesbos adopting a Korean kid, and they all look like Cheech Marin! What's with that?

  • Aug. 9, 2003, 10:57 p.m. CST

    A tip for Royal Tenenbaum

    by Some Dude

    If you want to see hot lesbians outside of the world of porn, go to NYC's Starlight on Sunday nights. Holy shit! It is straight guy heaven, if you can get in the door. Having lesbian friends on hand will help with the bouncers, but judging from your post, well, good luck trying. But I'm sure they'll let you in the rest of the week...

  • Aug. 10, 2003, 10:22 p.m. CST

    remember the episode

    by nealholman4ever

    where kim is still in high school and she sleeps with luke wilson? now THAT'S what i call a sticky situation.

  • Aug. 10, 2003, 11:27 p.m. CST

    Dammit Moriarty

    by Archduke_Chocula

    No mention of Futurama coming to an end? Blasphemy!

  • Aug. 11, 2003, 4:17 a.m. CST

    Finally...

    by earthworm

    ...I can look at 24 articles (It's just finished here in the UK -Jack Bauer can walk on walls. Cool.) Shame it's not a better article though.

  • Aug. 11, 2003, 3:17 p.m. CST

    Doc Brown solves the lesbian question

    by FranklinCobb

    "GREAT SCOTT, MARTY! Don't you see? We used 500 *GIGAWATTS* of power! We've caused a rift in the time continuum thanks to the flux capacitor!"---------"So Doc, wha...what...what are you saying?"----------"MARTY! Don't you see! Now all lesbians look like either Cheech Marin or k.d. lang!"---------"Whoa, Doc, this is HEAVY."------"Not as heavy as a 250 lb. lesbo! To the Delorean!"

  • Aug. 11, 2003, 6:06 p.m. CST

    Kiefer is so cool...

    by alvinsimadeer

    From TVGuide: Kiefer Sutherland has made a lifetime commitment to 24

  • Aug. 11, 2003, 10:21 p.m. CST

    All geeks look like Harry.

    by Sherlock_Holmes_

    Seriously, man- I don't want to get too into the details, but I can tell you that lesbians do not all look like Cheech Marin or KD Lang. Just like straight people, gay people come in several degrees of beauty. As for why there's an attraction for masculine lesbians, you have to understand that even in a homosexual relationship there's the butch and the femme, and very often the butch is more attracted to femmes, and the femmes are more attracted to butch (but not always). This applies to gay men and to lesbians, and bisexuals tend to lean toward androgynous figures rather than a completely butch or femme partner. There. Now go out and try to avoid saying anything else that sounds ignorantly homophobic.

  • Aug. 12, 2003, 10:29 a.m. CST

    In a perfect world!

    by Mandrake Falls

    Season 3... The Following takes place between 1 P.M and 2 P.M on the day the moon turned bad... President Palmers brother, Wayne has been kidnapped by Nina and taken into space where she'll enable her "Parsons Project" laser weapon (situated on the moon by the way) to destroy Canada, thus ending her on going feud with the Major Maple Syrup Industries. Special Agent Jack Bauer, with the help of his new sidekick, Robotic Sir Gary Coleman must go into space, save Wayne, destroy the weapon thus saving Canada and exact revenge on the evil wife killer Nina! Hmmmmm Norm Chomsky?

  • Aug. 14, 2003, 1:32 p.m. CST

    "The Butch and The Femme"

    by FranklinCobb

    Sounds like the name of a lesbionic western set to debut this fall on the Bravo Network. "Stay tuned after 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' for Bravo's new western billed by the Chicago Sun Times as 'The Man With No Name meets The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name'...'The Butch and the Femme!' Starring Cheech Marin and k.d. lang as two lesbians dealing with being in lust while being on the lam. See how the west was WILD as they use their outlaw skills to escape the zealously homophobic Dodge City Marshall (played by Emmy-winner Ed Asner). Rated TV-14 for sexual situations."

  • Aug. 16, 2003, 2:49 a.m. CST

    I'm sorry, I thought I heard someone say 'lesbian'...

    by CranialLeak