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Mr Beaks' PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN review - plus live in Austin' Got kids' Wanna see THE pirate movie this Saturday
Hey folks, Harry here... Before I get into introducing Beaks' piece on PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN (not Carribean as Beaks would lead you to believe), I wanted to alert you local film geeks in the Austin and surrounding area with kids to a screening I'm doing this Saturday at Alamo Drafthouse. It's free if you bring kids. I'm talking about my Noon screening of CAPTAIN BLOOD starring Errol Flynn. Generally considered the greatest Pirate film of all time, though I dearly love SEA HAWK and THE BLACK SWAN, it will be presented in a gorgeous 35mm print. I scheduled it, because I specifically wanted to show kids a REAL pirate movie before Disney got their rodent teeth sunk in. So wrangle the kids and meet me down there, I'll provide an introduction to the genre, do door prizes and you'll get a cool film!
Ok, onto Mr Beaks now, let's see what my verbose thesaurus reading buddy has to say about Bruckheimer's swashbuckler...
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL (d. Gore Verbinski, w. Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio and Jay Wolpert)
THE ISLAND. THE PIRATE MOVIE. THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE (1983, featuring Linda Ronstadt!) PIRATES. CUTTHROAT ISLAND. The last few decades have been downright Bobby Brown rough to the pirate film, and that’s without discussing the sorry misfires in which these peg-legged bastards play a significant role (e.g. HOOK and SIX DAYS, SEVEN NIGHTS). As of late, running the skull-and-bones up on a major studio production has been to strike terror in the hearts of filmgoers the world over, most of whom have probably never partaken of the genre’s best from back when it was really cooking (make mine Curtiz’s CAPTAIN BLOOD). But as we near the twentieth anniversary of cinema’s last great swashbuckling adventure – THE ICE PIRATES, of course – that scurvied cur Jerry Bruckheimer has seen fit to test his sea legs with a $100 million-plus production based on the most sure-fire source material at his disposal: an amusement park ride.
This should be a highly dubious proposition, but ever since THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE (“Out of the garbage pail and into your heart!”), moviegoers have been on notice that any media property or product is fair game for the filming. And since Disney is hurting for commercially viable live-action fodder, playing on the nostalgia for an attraction that’s been entertaining families for over thirty years is a smart move all around. But while there’s little surprise that this picture came to pass, what about its entertainment value? Given the studio’s suspect track record of cannibalizing their most lucrative and well-known properties (101 DALMATIONS, FLUBBER and THAT DARN CAT), is there any reason to expect that something so crassly commercial in its conception should be any good?
Working from a passable script from the wholly average team of Elliott & Rossio, director Gore Verbinski has certainly done his part, imbuing PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN with a suitably epic sweep enhanced by a touch of the quiet menace he brought to THE RING. From the outset, via an eerie, fog-drenched opening in which a British Naval vessel discovers a young boy adrift on wreckage from a ship of mysterious origin, Verbinski puts the audience on notice that he’s not simply hacking about revitalizing one of Disney’s prized properties. He’s making a real movie here, and it’s been designed and shot to the briny, sea-faring nines. The rather convoluted story concerns the legend of the Black Pearl, a phantom pirate ship comprised literally of a skeleton crew damned for all eternity for having made off with a cursed treasure of gold medallions intended as a gift for the Spanish Conquistador, Cortez. To undo this curse, they need to find the one missing medallion, which was given to the child of “Bootstrap” Turner – an honorable pirate who opposed the spending of the loot – and spill his heir’s blood. That medallion, however, has inadvertently passed into the possession of Elizabeth Swann (your “Sexiest Tomboy Beanpole”, Ms. Keira Knightley), the recalcitrant daughter of Governor Swann (Jonathan Pryce), who oversees a small British colony in the Carribean. It was taken by Elizabeth many years ago to protect its rightful owner, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), the boy from the prologue, from being discovered as the descendant of pirates. When Elizabeth clumsily reintroduces the medallion to the ocean’s depths, the Black Pearl is signaled, and the undead pirates return to claim the totem of their salvation, which involves kidnapping the bonny lass when she claims to be the true descendant of “Bootstrap” Turner.
Nursing a longstanding crush on the lovely Elizabeth, Will is determined to chase down the Black Pearl and rescue her. But standing in his way is the colony’s newly-appointed Commodore Norrington (Jack “Tom is Crushing Me” Davenport), to whom Elizabeth has been promised by her father. Thus, Will is forced into taking more drastic measures decidedly pirate-esque in nature. To this end, he’ll require the assistance of an actual pirate to pull it all off (at this stage, Will is not aware of his true origin). Unlucky for him, he’s stuck with Captain Jack Sparrow, whose reputation as the most incompetent pirate terrorizing the seven seas alights with him from a sinking dinghy as he arrives in the colony with the stated intention of stealing the fastest ship in the harbor. Perpetually drunk, and seemingly forever of the verge of collapse, Sparrow, it turns out, was the Captain of the Black Pearl until his men mutinied under the leadership of his nemesis Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush). Realizing they need each other to achieve their disparate ends, Will and Sparrow commandeer a ship, and take to the high seas to rescue Elizabeth.
Though Orlando Bloom is unquestionably one of the hottest male sex symbols going (I saw NED KELLY earlier this year, and was amused when Heath Ledger’s name was greeted with silence, while Orlando’s credit sent the women audibly atwitter), and a joy as Legolas, he’s a bit of a cipher in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN. Then again, he’s been saddled with the Luke Skywalker role. Depp, on the other hand, gets to play the scoundrel, and he responds with a shambling charisma that makes Sparrow the most dashing buccaneer the screen has seen in ages (then again, running back over that aforementioned list, that’s not necessarily the high praise that was intended). Sure, Rush is a hoot as the villainous Barbossa, and Knightley proves a spry damsel in distress, but they’re mere foils for Depp. He *is* the movie, managing to melt hearts even as he sports heavy black eyeliner and a smattering of rotten and gold teeth. In a way, his seductive turn as a gypsy in the otherwise dismal CHOCOLAT was a warm-up for Sparrow, and it’s a joy to watch such an engaging actor cast off the dour shackles of cheerless fare like FROM HELL to remind audiences why they fell for him in the first place.
Because, for all of the fun homage to the familiar scenes from the ride (and they’ve worked in a good deal of them), the seamless f/x (dig the way those pirates turn to skeletons in the moonlight), and the enjoyment of Verbinski’s excitingly-staged battle sequences, this would be just another random summer blockbuster without Depp. Though ostensibly an epic adventure buoyed by a romance between an unlikely pirate and his fair maiden, PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN unexpectedly works best as something else entirely. It’s a love story between a man and his boat. That this ends up being so oddly resonant is a testament to Depp’s brilliant work. Somewhere, in an alternate Hollywood that doesn’t venerate playing drunks and retards as the pinnacle of thespian achievement, they’d give Oscar nominations for a performance like this.
Faithfully submitted,
Mr. BeaksAlrighty then, I'm all excited to see this one! I've been a fan of Depp's since his Elm Street days. I love his work as a whole, and anyone whose inspiration was Lon Chaney Sr, is good people in my book! I wonder if there is any Pew or Merry in Depp's Sparrow? Hmmmm...
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+ Expand All
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I can watch Pirates through Him who gives me strength! I can't wait for this movie to hit! I never paid much attention to Depp until Don Juan deMarco. Now, I try not to miss any of his work. This guy is an honest-to-goodness movie star.
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can't wait! -
Jun 26, 2003 1:29:25 PM CDT
Legolas goes on a hot air balloon ride which is interrupted by t
by gypsytrobot
I'll leave Orlando for the younger set. Depp is ALL MINE ALL MINE HAHAHAHA!
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Great fuckin' line.
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Jun 26, 2003 1:51:15 PM CDT
Keira Knightley is the sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet!!
by jimmychitwood
Er....that just doesn't sound right anymore....
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Yeah, and I say it about a guy who, essentially, is playing a drunk. (Though I should note that we only see him getting soused once in the movie, which I had actually meant to comment on. Mostly, the characters refer to him as mad, rather than drunk.) I should've stuck with my original line about "an alternate Hollywood where they recognize the merits of great comedic acting." That, along with my dunderheaded mispelling of "Caribbean" = not my finest hour. But thanks for liking the line in theory, man.
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is the sexiest tomboy Carribeanpole on the planet...someone had to say it. TheSlimyMudhole.com...
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Jun 26, 2003 3:47:16 PM CDT
I think they should make "The Pirate Movie 2" with Hulk Hogan as
by mbaker
Avast there, you scalliwag brothers!
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Why don't they release that on DVD. On another note, it would be cool if the sexiest tomboy beanpole got some jug implants.
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"Whacha gonna do, when the Hulkster comes all over you??"
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I'm saying, man! Though Depp hasn't done much in the comedic genre, when he does ("Ed Wood", especially "Fear & Loathing") it's drop-dead great stuff. I, too, wish that Oscar would appreciate comedic acting. Steve Buscemi, Bill Murray, Steve Martin, Dominique Pinon, and that guy who played Momo in "Wasabi" would be multi-winners by now for sure. If only they would, I dunno, make some special category. Come to think of it, they should have categories for stuntmen and voice actors, too. Aw, hell, let's just some of us get together and have our own Oscars. I'll supply the interpretive dancing.
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Pirates are Gay, Ninjas Are totally sweet, and by sweet I mean Totally AWESOME!!!
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-Heath Ledger
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...is does the film feature a stirring rendition of "A Pirates Life For Me"...the song that made the ride? It damn well better.
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Jun 26, 2003 5:02:00 PM CDT
"playing drunks and retards as the pinnacle of thespian achievem
by miltonwaddams
hee hee, i usually want to punch mr. beaks in the throat, but that's funny. one thing i don't understand, during the trailers, they say "a film by gore verbinski", like he's scorsese or some shit. he directed mouse hunt and the mexican. nothing to be proud of, that's for damn sure.
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And you know it. Now its time to admit it.
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Brilliant....! Oh and one more thing: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES!
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would playing a drunk retard in a Nazi deathcamp be the ultimate ticket to an Oscar?
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Verbinski really surprised me with making The Ring actually worth seeing, so I'm hoping he'll work his magic with this one, too. BUT, if the movie sucks, it really won't bother me too much because Orlando and Johnny are so fucking hot! Geoffrey Rush and, of course, the sexy tomboy beanpole will be fun to watch too.
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Yes, I know this is stupid, but it just kind of bugs me. If we're going to refer at all to correct spelling in the talkbacks (which, after today, I will never bring it up), let's make the comment properly edited. Mr. Beaks, you misspelled "misspelling" in your reference to misspelling "Caribbean." I'm done now.
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fucking excellent film
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so PLANT this up your fa-king asses!
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The previews look slick. Can't wait to check it out!
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At least it's less laughable than 'Scooby Doo': A Raja Gosnell
Film. Glad to hear a decidedly non-plant's praise for this film, and especially glad to hear that Depp's performance is an enjoyable one and that ILM delivers seamless work. Call it ILM-backlash-backlash. All you WETA worshippers can shove it. By the way, Nicolas Cage would probably be a multi-winner if they had Oscars for Comedy, as well. Ahhh...good times, good times. -
The more I hear about this movie, the more intrigued I am. I guess part of it stems from the past years of watching the movies you looked forward to fade away like a popcorn fart, while seemingly trivial little "family" joints would just tear up shit and become the biggest earth-shakin', money-makin' heffers of that year. Anybody else ever feel that way? Once again, this film would be so easy to dismiss, but, Verbinski definately got people to sit up and take notice, and, as it has been mentioned, Depp is at his best when playing weird cats. This review was the fairest and most well-defined I've read yet, so I'll seriously keep it in mind and appreciate the info.
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Yay! I love it. Orlando Bloom is such a cutie, but my gosh, from those snippets we've gotten, anyone can tell that Johnny was the one you'd be focused on. He's amazing in those little bits we've seen, from the wink to the very exaggerated accent, I've loved it, and I'm so glad he's going to finally, even though he's never wanted it before, but finally, he'll have a big hit, and all eyes on him! He's the reason why I'm going, and mascara or not, dreads or not, Johnny is gorgeous! And a hella good actor.
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Jun 26, 2003 9:07:06 PM CDT
Roman Polanski's Pirates/ Walter Matthau would kick Johnny Depp'
by watashiwadare
Roman Polanski's Pirates lives forever.
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..."Excellent, Smithers, excellent!"
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...unless they have the three pirates in jail trying to coax the dog outside to give them the keys.
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Come on, Harry. You can't tell me you thought that punk who got swallowed by the bed had any smidgen of the talent he's showed in stuff like Ed Wood. Are you still rooting for Greico to make it big?
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Beaks, you call these guys "average"??? If I recall correctly, they're the writers responsible for Shrek. I'd kill for that kind of "average". Also, these guys are generous towards struggling writers with their time and industry insights. www.wordplayer.com, arguably the best screenwriting website on the net, is a work of love, not commerce.
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I just found this new site called the Merryweather Jones Alliance. It was so weird, but the graphics were cool and the reviews were really entertaining.
Check it out www.merryweatherjones.com -
I weep for our future.
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Jun 26, 2003 11:41:01 PM CDT
HARRY, poking fun at someone else's misspelled word??!
by asimov's brain
now THAT'S a joke!
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First off, I am glad someone jumped to the defense of Elliot and Rossio. They are far from average. Check out the clever fun script for Zorro or their fun, cool script for Sandman (you might be able to get it online) and well, somebody already mentioned Shreck. Although it being a Bruckheimer movie, I am sure quite a few guys worked on it. I think Wolpert might get credit. Anyhow, I will see this movie for one reason: Verbinski. He is utterly underrated. He has a great eye and sensibilty. He gave an interview in Movieline a few years back that was insightful and informative. I am not surprised somebody at Dreamworks (and now Bruckheimer) recognized his talent and gave him the movies to prove it. They were wonderfully designed and shot. I think he's got a great career ahead. Of course we'll see how this goes. It might now be a great popcorn flick but it's tough subject matter. We'll see...the good reviews bode well.
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The workprint that caused such a stir lands this guy in prison: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20030626/ap_en_mo/hulk_bootleg_3
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...Yellow Beard ! Ouch. Like a jammed stick in the eye. It had Monty Python's Graham Chapman who must have been told at gun point to be unfunny. As annoying as a sour milk fart on a tortuously long elevator ride. I don't think I've actually sat through it in it's entirety while staying semi-awake. Makes Ice Pirates fucking brilliant by comparison. You've been warned.
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yadyadyadyadyadyodayadayadayada
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Burt Lancaster once said that doing a pirate comedy is much harder than doing "serious" stuff and if he doesnt know than nobody does....
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Jun 27, 2003 3:35:01 AM CDT
Jerry Bruckheimer re-invents pirate adventure...and it is SCARY
by jules windex
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oh man this movie is going SUCK big time! pirate movies are so f*cking lame. i cant even remember when was the last GOOD pirate movie i've seen.......
sh*t this will bomb so bad! -
Johnny Depp in an action movie!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA!!!! Incidentally Keira Knightly's "beans" seem to benefit from that corset, I'd rate them baby-potatoes at least, now. Ahem.
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They had better have that song in there somewhere! At least in a pub scene or something. It ain't the Pirates of the Carribean without it. nuf said.
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Does anybody remember the crapfest that was The Mexican? I couldn't finish that shite! Or the American remake of the Ring? It had better special effects but couldn't hold a candle to the Japanese theatrical version, much less the made for TV version that was actually adapted from the book! (The book is about a Male reporter, and Sadako is a Hermaphrodite who had an incestuous relationship with her father because no one else could love her for her. It also explores more of her psychic abilities that came out of hatred for her opressors. It was more a tale of morality and you end up sympathizing with Sadako. Yah. This was shown on Japanese TV.)
Back to Gore. That's a friggin Sick name, but his films haven't been all that great so farr. But Depp may just save this film from being as craptastic as his previous two. We'll see about that.
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...said the aspiring screenwriter between readings of his computer copied WordPlay columns.
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I was just at Disneyland and they are having the world premier there. they shut down tom sawyer island and put an imax-size screen on it. Then they put stadium style seating all around New Orleans Square. they were selling tickets to the public for 1500$.
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I liked Cutthroat Island. (I'm a sucker for any movie with pirates, however.)
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